Animals. (2016) s02e10 Episode Script
Dog
1 (man shouting orders) (helicopter buzzing) (indistinct police radio chatter) (guns cocking) (both speak indiscernibly) (breathes deeply) (beeps) Female voice: Mm-mm-mm! It's a damn shame she's not gonna make it out of that building alive.
But then again, no one will.
I loved her.
Sam well, The Reporter as you know her she wasn't my first owner or even my second.
See, I'm an old dog.
I've had many lives.
Some people gave me up because they had kids.
Some people just ran out of money.
Some people didn't want to deal with the, you know (farts) I mean, I get it.
I come with baggage.
You have to ball up a little bit of tissue to clean the gunk out of my eyes.
You gotta buy me the expensive food, because it's good for my bones.
Hell, sometimes I can't even walk up the stairs, child.
- (dogs barking) - But Sam, she saw something in me.
We clicked.
You know, when a dog feels that bond in a human, it feels good.
We feel it in our whole body.
Now sure, we may not be as smarts as you, but we feel just as much happiness, curiosity, fear, love, joy.
(sniffles) Yeah.
I'm gonna miss her.
(crying) Just gimme a second.
(sniffling) I'm all right.
(birds chirping) - Sit me in the way - (Phil crying) No, no.
- Motor on - Fucking blew it.
And drink you say? Fucking blew it, Philly.
They were all right.
I'm a goddamn loser.
And fucking Principal Leif fucking Principal Little Dick! Fail me outta senior year? I'll fail you outta senior year.
- (shouts) Ohh! - Whoa! Hello! - What up, dude? - Jesus Christ! - Fucking senior year over! (laughs) - (laughs) I know, yeah.
This is just like American Pie, right? - Yeah! Mikey, I'm gonna fuck your mom.
- (both laugh) Well all right.
I wouldn't do that.
- I'm sorry, man.
- All right, come on.
Get your cap on.
What are you doing? We're gonna be late.
No, just gimme a second.
- (coughs, sniffles) - What, are you crying? No, I'm not.
I'm just like it's a it's a big day, you know? Hey, bud, don't cry because it's over.
Smile because it happened.
You know? (burps) Like what girls say.
Like what girls say, yeah.
Plus we're going to college, dude.
(chuckles) Animation school in California? - Are you kidding me, dude? - (sobbing) I know! Plus, I hear they hand out condoms as soon as you walk into the dorm.
- They give you condoms? - Yes.
- For sex? - Exactly.
- That's so cool.
- It's fucking sick.
- Can I say something real quick? - Yeah, yeah.
- I don't have a dad.
You know that.
- I'm very familiar.
As soon as you sat down and you said, "Hey, bud.
" I was like, "Woop! You're my best friend.
" I'm I am honored to be your dad.
- You're not my dad, okay? See - What are you talking - No, I was opening up a little bit.
- You just said I was your dad.
Now you're making a joke out of it.
- You wanna go play catch? - Fuck off.
Let's fucking do it! Let's graduate! - Can't wait to get out of this dump.
- (chuckles nervously) Totally, man.
High school sucks.
College is gonna be so cool.
All right, boys, come on, big smile.
Okay, we're gonna start with my camera, and then Mr.
Luciano's camera.
- Come on, let me get my arm around ya.
- Mom: Big smiles, guys.
- Is that a gang sign? - No, Mom.
- (whispers) Rad boys for life, dude.
- Yeah.
- Here we go.
One, two - (camera clicks) - So proud.
- So proud.
So happy.
Hey, bud.
What's up? We should probably get going.
No, I just I want to tell you I'm so proud of you.
I know school wasn't always for you - Yeah.
(chuckles) - but you did it.
You are a high school graduate.
Well And I am as proud as a mother could ever be.
(crying) I'm sorry.
Can you just stop for a second? - Are you crying? - I'm not fucking crying.
I get it.
I'm crying too.
- (wails) - Okay.
- Is Mike here? - Yeah, he's - Did Mike see that? - I saw the whole thing.
- Fuck off, dude! - Hey.
I'm sorry for cursing, but I'm just like this is a lot.
- Shake it off.
Shake it off.
- Blah! (laughs) - I feel better now.
Come on, Mommy.
- Let's go.
- (burps) - (classical score plays) Leif: And of course, some of you are going off to college, others will be rooting around in garbage for the rest of your lives, but I am proud of each and every one of you rats.
But special recognition belongs to your class valedictorian.
Please welcome Mike Luciano.
(all cheering) - Oh, yay, Mike! Go, Mike! - Fucking number one! Thank you, Principal Leif.
Wow.
Can you believe we did it, guys? Man.
So crazy, so sick.
(snaps fingers) I want to thank my parents and parents everywhere.
- (cheers, applause) - Liz: That's my son! Honestly, we do it all for you, to make you proud.
I also want to thank Mark and Jay, my lacrosse co-captains.
(laughs) Yeah! La Pura Vida! (laughs, coughs) But, most of all, I want to thank my best friend, Phil.
What? - (whispers) Dude, Mike, shh! - Liz: All right, Phil! - Nino: Yeah, Phil! - Mom: I love you, Phil! (whispers) Mike, shut the fuck up, dude.
Sure, I'm valedictorian, and he barely passed, - but we're in this together.
- Shh! Wrap it up, dude.
I believe it was the poet laureate Billie Joe Armstrong who crooned, "It's something unpredictable, yet in the end it's right, and I hope you had the Mr.
Matarese, what are you doing here? Fuck me.
- What the hell's going on here? - Oh, wait.
You didn't tell anyone? (laughs) Oh, this is great.
What? What? What did he say? Ladies and gentlemen, a good life lesson is sitting right there.
(crowd whispering) If you don't do your homework, if you blow off all of your classes, if you refer to me as Principal Little Dick, if you spray-paint "Principal Little Dick" on my car, if you somehow beyond my comprehension legally change my name to "Principal Little Dick," then this is what happens you fail.
You fail senior year and you must repeat it.
Liz, what's going on? - That boy, Phil Matarese - (crowd gasps) is a failure.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Phil didn't graduate? He shouldn't even be here.
Security, escort him out, and don't spare the Tazer.
Um, I just wanna say that, Principal Leif (shouts) You suck! Fuck you, dude! - (laughs) - (male coughs) Wait.
Come on.
No one's laughing at that? - (crowd murmuring) - Fuck.
Mom: Oh, Phil, how could you not tell me? I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, Mommy.
(burps) Leif: Did he just call his mom "Mommy"? - (laughter) - Leif: You guys hear that? - Male: Woo! - Leif: All right, anyway, let's get these diplomas handed out and send these kids to their bright, promising futures.
- (cheering) - Leif: Yeah-ha! (ominous music plays) (men grunt, shout) (beeping) (indiscernible chatter) (shouting orders indiscernibly) (beeping) (shouts orders indiscernibly, grunts) - (hums) - (gasps) (shouts indiscernibly) - (hissing) - (men screaming) (doors rattling) (gasps) (beeping) (gasps, shouts) (man shouts orders) - (men yelp) - (whirs, thuds) (clanging) (grunts, shouts) (hums) (gunshot) - (mumbles) - (gun cocks) Hello again.
I want to introduce you to somebody, a good friend of mine, perhaps my best friend.
(mumbles) (spits, chuckles) I'm sorry.
This is Murphy the duck.
Say hello, Murphy.
(deep voice) Hello, my name is Murphy, and I'm a duck.
I like to fly and swim and poop on cars.
(normal voice) Murphy, do you mind that I chew you up? (deep voice) No, no.
If it makes you happy, it makes me happy.
And also, I have a little squeaker inside me that mimics the sound of an animal dying.
It's in your nature to want to destroy me! (normal voice) Murphy, may I hear the squeak? - (squeaks) - Very good, Murphy! Oh, that was good! You know I love you, right, Murphy.
You know that.
(deep voice) And I love you too.
- (normal voice, growls) Mmm.
- (squeaking) (thuds) You know, they say that animals can sense things you know, thunderstorms or when someone is sick.
We seem to be able to tap into an unseen plane of reality.
A peephole into eternity of sorts.
A glimpse into the hereafter.
It's true what they say, though.
All dogs do go to heaven.
But not all men.
Some are just born to be bad, angry that they're not God.
(sniffs) Tsk.
I feel something coming.
Something really bad.
(farts) That wasn't what I was talking about.
I mean something in addition to that is coming.
Something else really bad.
Not that.
(rock music playing) Woman: Could you turn the track up? - (subway car rattles) - (rats laughing) Mom: But, you know, I think another year could do him good.
Yeah.
Not everyone is ready for college right away.
I tell you, it's that Principal Leif, that son of a bitch.
- He always had it in for Phil.
- He did.
He did.
Really.
Yes.
I agree.
Leif has always been a dipshit.
- What a dick.
- What a jerk.
Thank you for the invitation.
It's a really incredible party.
- Delicious summer salad.
- You're welcome.
Hey, honey.
Hi, Mommy.
Come back and join the party.
- No.
- Come on, there's cheese puffs.
Can you get me a plate of baby carrots? You can come get your own plate of baby carrots.
It's just embarrassing that I'm at my graduation party and I didn't graduate, 'cause I'm a fucking idiot.
- You're not an idiot.
- I am an idiot.
I flunked out of senior year of fucking high school, and now I am able to just cry freely into this pool.
- Water to water.
- Okay, honey.
I love you.
I mean, I'm terribly disappointed, but I love you.
Yeah, no, that's the general theme of the day.
(clears throat) Hello, how do you do? I'm so glad to see you buttfucker.
There's my little Mikey.
Hey, boy, come here! - Hey, Auntie May, how's it going? - Aw, I love you.
- Gimme some sugar.
- Both: Mwah.
I flew all the way from South Jersey to have my goddamn picture taken.
- (both laugh) - (smacks) All right.
So, your friend the idiot, he won't be going with you to California, I'd imagine.
Uh, Phil? I mean, he's not really an idiot.
- No, he's just kinda - Oh, well, that's your opinion.
Well, I mean, he doesn't have a dad, so - Yeah, so? I don't either.
- All right.
I guess Look, come here.
I wanna give you some advice.
Oh.
Okay.
I'm serious about this.
You're a smart boy, and you'll do great things.
Don't let that homo hold you back.
- Wow.
- You're gay with him, aren't you? What? No, I'm not gay with Phil, okay? In fact, I actually crush pussy, so - Oh, you're a little bitch, Mike.
- What? - I said, "You're a little bitch, Mike.
" - Fuck you, Auntie May.
Fuck me? Well, that would be incest, although I've always said, "Incest is relative.
" - (laughs) - Ugh! You've always said that? Why? I didn't ask you to come here, okay? My mom asked you to come here! I think you fucking did ask me to come here.
Why would I ask for my Because you've always had a crush on me.
Everyone knows it.
All of South Jersey knows it! (rats gasp) - (sips) - Great seeing you, Auntie May.
Well, it wasn't great seeing you, you little twerp.
Woo! I'm fucking wasted.
Aren't you the cutest little thing? You're not my type.
- (sighs) - Mike: Hey, man.
- Oh, hey.
- I heard you wanted some baby carrots.
Oh, thank you for the carrots and the paper plate.
I love baby carrots.
Did you know they're just big carrots shaved down? - They're not actually small carrots.
- Really? Yeah.
I thought they grew little carrots and then grew No, it's ugly carrots that they can't sell in the stores, 'cause people, you know, they like visual aesthetics.
They shave them down into baby carrots.
- Wow.
- Yeah, but anyway, listen, I'm sorry about earlier today.
Oh.
Like lying about not graduating high school.
Don't worry about it.
I mean, it blows.
It fucking blows, dude.
I mean, here's the good news.
We'll still be able to stay in touch, You know, it'll be like I never left, basically.
Wait.
What are you talking about? I'm just saying when I'm in California, it's like with Facebook - and with - You're still going to California? (chuckles) Of course I'm still going.
It was my idea to go to the animation school, and you're gonna go without me? I showed you that.
What do you want, me to stay back here and repeat senior year with you? No, dude, but we were gonna be a team on this cartoon, man.
You didn't get your shit together.
What do you want me to say? - I didn't get my shit together? - It's not my I also don't have a fucking dad, okay, dude? So I'm dealing with a little bit less Fucking dad shit.
of a stacked deck than you are, all right, buddy? Well, that doesn't mean that I should nix my dreams to It's our fucking dream! In the 311 of this scenario, I'm Nick Hexum, and you're S.
A.
Martinez, and that's not a bad thing, but you just can't exist without Nick Hexum.
Got it? As per usual, you're making everything about yourself and 311, which is its own thing.
- You're fired.
- (chuckles) I'm sorry.
What? - You're fucking fired.
- You're fucking fired! - You're fired from my life! - You're fucking fired from my life! - You're fired.
You're fired.
- You're fired.
Fuck this, dude.
I'm quitting the Phil show.
I'll do my own shit.
(chuckles) Oh, and guess what.
- What? - 311's not even that good.
- What'd you say? - 311, the band that you so subscribed your entire life to isn't even that fucking good.
Sure, the one album, the self-titled is great.
I love it, of course, - but - (grunts) There's a line.
There's a fucking line and you fucking crossed it and you know it.
- Did you really just do that? - You were outta line.
(sputtering) - You gonna fucking drown me? - (shouts) I called it! They're gays together! I don't have a problem with it.
In fact, I'm sort of a gay icon.
It's a beautiful thing.
Shame on you for thinking otherwise! - (both grunting) - Hey, boys! Knock it off! You boys are best friends! Stop it! Get the fuck off me, Mike! Have fun in California, you piece of shit.
Yeah, I fucking will! You see that pussy sucker punch me, Cool Uncle Jeff? - (munches) - So cool.
(howling) (giggles) Sometimes I just like to be silly.
Well, our time here is almost done.
I'd like to leave you with some parting thoughts.
(footsteps) We all want love.
- To be loved.
- (clinks) - To give love.
- (zaps) To pet dogs.
To make our parents proud.
To make our children happy.
To make the world a better place for our brothers and sisters - to live with compassion - (thuds) and without fear.
To live brave.
- (door slams) - (gun cocks) You know what? Fuck you, Mike! And fuck you, Principal Little Dick! And fuck school, fuck graduation, dude, and fu fucking fuck 311, man.
- Just fuck everything, dude.
- Psst! - Huh? - Hey, Phil, it's me, Nick Hexum, from your favorite band, 311.
(gasps, whispers) Nick H-E-X-U-M.
Yup, that's me.
Hey, Phil, what's your favorite 311 album? Oh, shit, dude.
Putting me on the spot.
Well, I'd have to say it's a tie between Grassroots, 311, Music, Transistor, and Soundsystem.
(chuckles) Equal.
Oh, snap! No new stuff? Oh my God, it's S.
A.
Martinez! But it's not like that, dude.
I like all your stuff.
It's okay.
It's all right.
I'm just playing, man.
We're cool.
(laughs) So, Phil, do you remember a song off Soundsystem called "Life's Not a Race"? So hard to believe - Yeah, exactly.
No, do you ever - Part of me will fade In the mystery, in a future world - He gonna do the whole song? - Long ago Part feels for your love and lives to tell you so Wow, he's really going for it.
- We get it.
We know the song.
- You can't stop entropy - So why even try? - Okay, okay, stop right there.
"You can't stop entropy, so why even try?" Do you know what I meant by that? Yeah! It's like life is like it's a spiral and it's also kind of a staircase to heaven.
- Mmm, not quite.
(whispers) - Nick, I don't think he knows what "entropy" means, man.
Do you know what entropy means? What is this, fucking English class or something? Get off my back.
Jesus Christ.
See, Phil, entropy stems from thermodynamics.
It's a theory that all things have a gradual but inevitable decline into disorder, decomposition, collapse, et cetera, et cetera.
(whispers) Wait a minute.
From Chaos.
That's exactly right.
From Chaos.
And if you actually listened to that album, you'd hear me say, "From chaos comes clarity.
" See, Phil, you're only given a limited time on this wild ride called life, and while we sometimes can't control the things around us, we can make the most of our time here.
So, maybe if you spent more time actually drawing and honing your craft instead of jerking off, you might not have flunked out of school.
You could've gotten that art scholarship that you secretly wanted, Phil.
And as for Mike, he believes in you, dude.
You're a fucking asshole, and he remained your friend this whole time.
Mm-hmm.
I mean, me and S.
A.
fight every now and then, - but it's all good.
It's only natural.
- Fuck you.
- Just kidding.
- Oh.
Okay.
(grunts) - (knocks) - Oh, hey, Dad.
All right, I'll meet you outside.
(chuckles) Wow.
That was a great episode by Phil and Mike.
What am I do I'm a fucking asshole.
What time is it? I can still catch him.
- 311, thank you so much.
- We're here to help, man.
I love you guys so much.
I listen to you guys every day.
See you later, Nick.
See you, Phil.
- See you later, S.
A.
- Later, man.
- Tell P-Nut I said, "Wassup?" - You got it.
(door opens, closes) All right, man, so what do you wanna do now? - Uh, tacos? - Tacos.
So, I implore you live through love, be compelled by love, be motivated by love, be in awe of love.
Don't let the world swallow you.
Don't let negativity, ego, money, or accolades guide your life.
Love your neighbor.
Buy expensive dog food it tastes better.
Because, really, no matter what entropy will win out in the end.
Goodbye, y'all.
I love you.
(snoring) - (police radio chatter) - (helicopter buzzing) (dramatic music playing) - (beeps) - (humming) (clatters) (beeping) (birds chirping) - Hmm? - (beeps) - Hey.
- Huh? - (speaks indiscernibly) - (static) (people chattering) (speaking indiscernibly) (continues over speakers) (continues over microwave) (speaking indiscernibly) Please.
- Mmm.
- (beeps) - (alarm blaring) - (whirs, beeps) (beeps, clanking) (whooshes) (hissing) (people screaming) - (hissing continues) - (screams) (screaming) - (shouts) - (all screaming) Mike! Mike! Where the fuck is he? - Mikey, have a blast in California.
- I'm gonna miss him so much.
- Family hug! - Love you guys.
- Be safe.
- Bye, Mike.
Good luck.
Thanks, Mrs.
Matarese.
I'll come visit you in California.
(kisses) I'll write to you.
I promise.
- Liz: Bye! Love you.
- Nino: Bye, Mike.
Love you.
- Bye, Mike.
Good luck.
- Mike! - (pants) Mike! - Phil? (pants, coughs) Dude, uh - I just wanted to say, "Later.
" - (chuckles) You know? Oh.
Yeah.
All right, have fun, man.
- Bring it.
Bring it in, yeah.
- Cool, thanks, man.
(clears throat) - Text you when I get in.
- Yeah, text me in the morning - or something.
Peace.
- Cool.
Hey, man.
You want to, like, play video games or something? - Okay.
- Tight.
- I'm Phil.
- I'm Jonas.
I'm gonna call you Mike, if that's okay.
I don't see a problem.
Mike: Phil! Phil! Holy shit.
Everybody, get up here! - (rats murmuring) - Everybody, it sounds intense.
- He's "Lassie-ing" us.
- Mike, come on, hurry up.
Whoa.
Holy shit.
It's completely empty.
There are no humans in sight.
(wind blows) (animal noises) Phil: It's just animals now.
Mom: It's beautiful.
(rooster crows) Auntie May: Well, I'll be dipped in shit.
So, are you still gonna go to California? ("New York, New York" playing) No fucking way, dude.
The city is ours.
We can do whatever we want.
And fuck school.
We'll figure out a way to make the cartoon on our own.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Like in Final Cut or some shit, - screen it around town, build a buzz.
- Yeah, build a buzz! We're never gonna leave.
What do you say? (coughs) Start spreading the news - Mike! - I'm leaving today - No, he's not! - I want to be a part of it Both: New York, New York (Mike and Phil vocalizing) (door opens) Oh shit! A turtle! (dogs howling to melody) It's up to you, New York New York Phil: Whoa, dude! That sounded good.
- Mike: That sounded incredible.
- That was really good.
Hold on.
I'm trying to concentrate on the moves.
- Sure.
- Okay, and then a little tush.
- Great, we're all in sync.
- Let's keep it up.
It's going good.
Oh! The sign's down.
- Oh! There we go! - Both: There's a fire! Phil: Look! Clear the room! Just run! Run! - Oh God! - Mike: Oh! We will be gone But not forever Come on, let's try And know whatever we try We will be gone But not forever We will be gone But not forever Come on, let's try And know whatever we try We will be gone But not forever The real truth about it is There ain't no end To the desert I'll cross I've really known it all along Mama, here comes midnight With the dead moon in its jaws
But then again, no one will.
I loved her.
Sam well, The Reporter as you know her she wasn't my first owner or even my second.
See, I'm an old dog.
I've had many lives.
Some people gave me up because they had kids.
Some people just ran out of money.
Some people didn't want to deal with the, you know (farts) I mean, I get it.
I come with baggage.
You have to ball up a little bit of tissue to clean the gunk out of my eyes.
You gotta buy me the expensive food, because it's good for my bones.
Hell, sometimes I can't even walk up the stairs, child.
- (dogs barking) - But Sam, she saw something in me.
We clicked.
You know, when a dog feels that bond in a human, it feels good.
We feel it in our whole body.
Now sure, we may not be as smarts as you, but we feel just as much happiness, curiosity, fear, love, joy.
(sniffles) Yeah.
I'm gonna miss her.
(crying) Just gimme a second.
(sniffling) I'm all right.
(birds chirping) - Sit me in the way - (Phil crying) No, no.
- Motor on - Fucking blew it.
And drink you say? Fucking blew it, Philly.
They were all right.
I'm a goddamn loser.
And fucking Principal Leif fucking Principal Little Dick! Fail me outta senior year? I'll fail you outta senior year.
- (shouts) Ohh! - Whoa! Hello! - What up, dude? - Jesus Christ! - Fucking senior year over! (laughs) - (laughs) I know, yeah.
This is just like American Pie, right? - Yeah! Mikey, I'm gonna fuck your mom.
- (both laugh) Well all right.
I wouldn't do that.
- I'm sorry, man.
- All right, come on.
Get your cap on.
What are you doing? We're gonna be late.
No, just gimme a second.
- (coughs, sniffles) - What, are you crying? No, I'm not.
I'm just like it's a it's a big day, you know? Hey, bud, don't cry because it's over.
Smile because it happened.
You know? (burps) Like what girls say.
Like what girls say, yeah.
Plus we're going to college, dude.
(chuckles) Animation school in California? - Are you kidding me, dude? - (sobbing) I know! Plus, I hear they hand out condoms as soon as you walk into the dorm.
- They give you condoms? - Yes.
- For sex? - Exactly.
- That's so cool.
- It's fucking sick.
- Can I say something real quick? - Yeah, yeah.
- I don't have a dad.
You know that.
- I'm very familiar.
As soon as you sat down and you said, "Hey, bud.
" I was like, "Woop! You're my best friend.
" I'm I am honored to be your dad.
- You're not my dad, okay? See - What are you talking - No, I was opening up a little bit.
- You just said I was your dad.
Now you're making a joke out of it.
- You wanna go play catch? - Fuck off.
Let's fucking do it! Let's graduate! - Can't wait to get out of this dump.
- (chuckles nervously) Totally, man.
High school sucks.
College is gonna be so cool.
All right, boys, come on, big smile.
Okay, we're gonna start with my camera, and then Mr.
Luciano's camera.
- Come on, let me get my arm around ya.
- Mom: Big smiles, guys.
- Is that a gang sign? - No, Mom.
- (whispers) Rad boys for life, dude.
- Yeah.
- Here we go.
One, two - (camera clicks) - So proud.
- So proud.
So happy.
Hey, bud.
What's up? We should probably get going.
No, I just I want to tell you I'm so proud of you.
I know school wasn't always for you - Yeah.
(chuckles) - but you did it.
You are a high school graduate.
Well And I am as proud as a mother could ever be.
(crying) I'm sorry.
Can you just stop for a second? - Are you crying? - I'm not fucking crying.
I get it.
I'm crying too.
- (wails) - Okay.
- Is Mike here? - Yeah, he's - Did Mike see that? - I saw the whole thing.
- Fuck off, dude! - Hey.
I'm sorry for cursing, but I'm just like this is a lot.
- Shake it off.
Shake it off.
- Blah! (laughs) - I feel better now.
Come on, Mommy.
- Let's go.
- (burps) - (classical score plays) Leif: And of course, some of you are going off to college, others will be rooting around in garbage for the rest of your lives, but I am proud of each and every one of you rats.
But special recognition belongs to your class valedictorian.
Please welcome Mike Luciano.
(all cheering) - Oh, yay, Mike! Go, Mike! - Fucking number one! Thank you, Principal Leif.
Wow.
Can you believe we did it, guys? Man.
So crazy, so sick.
(snaps fingers) I want to thank my parents and parents everywhere.
- (cheers, applause) - Liz: That's my son! Honestly, we do it all for you, to make you proud.
I also want to thank Mark and Jay, my lacrosse co-captains.
(laughs) Yeah! La Pura Vida! (laughs, coughs) But, most of all, I want to thank my best friend, Phil.
What? - (whispers) Dude, Mike, shh! - Liz: All right, Phil! - Nino: Yeah, Phil! - Mom: I love you, Phil! (whispers) Mike, shut the fuck up, dude.
Sure, I'm valedictorian, and he barely passed, - but we're in this together.
- Shh! Wrap it up, dude.
I believe it was the poet laureate Billie Joe Armstrong who crooned, "It's something unpredictable, yet in the end it's right, and I hope you had the Mr.
Matarese, what are you doing here? Fuck me.
- What the hell's going on here? - Oh, wait.
You didn't tell anyone? (laughs) Oh, this is great.
What? What? What did he say? Ladies and gentlemen, a good life lesson is sitting right there.
(crowd whispering) If you don't do your homework, if you blow off all of your classes, if you refer to me as Principal Little Dick, if you spray-paint "Principal Little Dick" on my car, if you somehow beyond my comprehension legally change my name to "Principal Little Dick," then this is what happens you fail.
You fail senior year and you must repeat it.
Liz, what's going on? - That boy, Phil Matarese - (crowd gasps) is a failure.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Phil didn't graduate? He shouldn't even be here.
Security, escort him out, and don't spare the Tazer.
Um, I just wanna say that, Principal Leif (shouts) You suck! Fuck you, dude! - (laughs) - (male coughs) Wait.
Come on.
No one's laughing at that? - (crowd murmuring) - Fuck.
Mom: Oh, Phil, how could you not tell me? I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, Mommy.
(burps) Leif: Did he just call his mom "Mommy"? - (laughter) - Leif: You guys hear that? - Male: Woo! - Leif: All right, anyway, let's get these diplomas handed out and send these kids to their bright, promising futures.
- (cheering) - Leif: Yeah-ha! (ominous music plays) (men grunt, shout) (beeping) (indiscernible chatter) (shouting orders indiscernibly) (beeping) (shouts orders indiscernibly, grunts) - (hums) - (gasps) (shouts indiscernibly) - (hissing) - (men screaming) (doors rattling) (gasps) (beeping) (gasps, shouts) (man shouts orders) - (men yelp) - (whirs, thuds) (clanging) (grunts, shouts) (hums) (gunshot) - (mumbles) - (gun cocks) Hello again.
I want to introduce you to somebody, a good friend of mine, perhaps my best friend.
(mumbles) (spits, chuckles) I'm sorry.
This is Murphy the duck.
Say hello, Murphy.
(deep voice) Hello, my name is Murphy, and I'm a duck.
I like to fly and swim and poop on cars.
(normal voice) Murphy, do you mind that I chew you up? (deep voice) No, no.
If it makes you happy, it makes me happy.
And also, I have a little squeaker inside me that mimics the sound of an animal dying.
It's in your nature to want to destroy me! (normal voice) Murphy, may I hear the squeak? - (squeaks) - Very good, Murphy! Oh, that was good! You know I love you, right, Murphy.
You know that.
(deep voice) And I love you too.
- (normal voice, growls) Mmm.
- (squeaking) (thuds) You know, they say that animals can sense things you know, thunderstorms or when someone is sick.
We seem to be able to tap into an unseen plane of reality.
A peephole into eternity of sorts.
A glimpse into the hereafter.
It's true what they say, though.
All dogs do go to heaven.
But not all men.
Some are just born to be bad, angry that they're not God.
(sniffs) Tsk.
I feel something coming.
Something really bad.
(farts) That wasn't what I was talking about.
I mean something in addition to that is coming.
Something else really bad.
Not that.
(rock music playing) Woman: Could you turn the track up? - (subway car rattles) - (rats laughing) Mom: But, you know, I think another year could do him good.
Yeah.
Not everyone is ready for college right away.
I tell you, it's that Principal Leif, that son of a bitch.
- He always had it in for Phil.
- He did.
He did.
Really.
Yes.
I agree.
Leif has always been a dipshit.
- What a dick.
- What a jerk.
Thank you for the invitation.
It's a really incredible party.
- Delicious summer salad.
- You're welcome.
Hey, honey.
Hi, Mommy.
Come back and join the party.
- No.
- Come on, there's cheese puffs.
Can you get me a plate of baby carrots? You can come get your own plate of baby carrots.
It's just embarrassing that I'm at my graduation party and I didn't graduate, 'cause I'm a fucking idiot.
- You're not an idiot.
- I am an idiot.
I flunked out of senior year of fucking high school, and now I am able to just cry freely into this pool.
- Water to water.
- Okay, honey.
I love you.
I mean, I'm terribly disappointed, but I love you.
Yeah, no, that's the general theme of the day.
(clears throat) Hello, how do you do? I'm so glad to see you buttfucker.
There's my little Mikey.
Hey, boy, come here! - Hey, Auntie May, how's it going? - Aw, I love you.
- Gimme some sugar.
- Both: Mwah.
I flew all the way from South Jersey to have my goddamn picture taken.
- (both laugh) - (smacks) All right.
So, your friend the idiot, he won't be going with you to California, I'd imagine.
Uh, Phil? I mean, he's not really an idiot.
- No, he's just kinda - Oh, well, that's your opinion.
Well, I mean, he doesn't have a dad, so - Yeah, so? I don't either.
- All right.
I guess Look, come here.
I wanna give you some advice.
Oh.
Okay.
I'm serious about this.
You're a smart boy, and you'll do great things.
Don't let that homo hold you back.
- Wow.
- You're gay with him, aren't you? What? No, I'm not gay with Phil, okay? In fact, I actually crush pussy, so - Oh, you're a little bitch, Mike.
- What? - I said, "You're a little bitch, Mike.
" - Fuck you, Auntie May.
Fuck me? Well, that would be incest, although I've always said, "Incest is relative.
" - (laughs) - Ugh! You've always said that? Why? I didn't ask you to come here, okay? My mom asked you to come here! I think you fucking did ask me to come here.
Why would I ask for my Because you've always had a crush on me.
Everyone knows it.
All of South Jersey knows it! (rats gasp) - (sips) - Great seeing you, Auntie May.
Well, it wasn't great seeing you, you little twerp.
Woo! I'm fucking wasted.
Aren't you the cutest little thing? You're not my type.
- (sighs) - Mike: Hey, man.
- Oh, hey.
- I heard you wanted some baby carrots.
Oh, thank you for the carrots and the paper plate.
I love baby carrots.
Did you know they're just big carrots shaved down? - They're not actually small carrots.
- Really? Yeah.
I thought they grew little carrots and then grew No, it's ugly carrots that they can't sell in the stores, 'cause people, you know, they like visual aesthetics.
They shave them down into baby carrots.
- Wow.
- Yeah, but anyway, listen, I'm sorry about earlier today.
Oh.
Like lying about not graduating high school.
Don't worry about it.
I mean, it blows.
It fucking blows, dude.
I mean, here's the good news.
We'll still be able to stay in touch, You know, it'll be like I never left, basically.
Wait.
What are you talking about? I'm just saying when I'm in California, it's like with Facebook - and with - You're still going to California? (chuckles) Of course I'm still going.
It was my idea to go to the animation school, and you're gonna go without me? I showed you that.
What do you want, me to stay back here and repeat senior year with you? No, dude, but we were gonna be a team on this cartoon, man.
You didn't get your shit together.
What do you want me to say? - I didn't get my shit together? - It's not my I also don't have a fucking dad, okay, dude? So I'm dealing with a little bit less Fucking dad shit.
of a stacked deck than you are, all right, buddy? Well, that doesn't mean that I should nix my dreams to It's our fucking dream! In the 311 of this scenario, I'm Nick Hexum, and you're S.
A.
Martinez, and that's not a bad thing, but you just can't exist without Nick Hexum.
Got it? As per usual, you're making everything about yourself and 311, which is its own thing.
- You're fired.
- (chuckles) I'm sorry.
What? - You're fucking fired.
- You're fucking fired! - You're fired from my life! - You're fucking fired from my life! - You're fired.
You're fired.
- You're fired.
Fuck this, dude.
I'm quitting the Phil show.
I'll do my own shit.
(chuckles) Oh, and guess what.
- What? - 311's not even that good.
- What'd you say? - 311, the band that you so subscribed your entire life to isn't even that fucking good.
Sure, the one album, the self-titled is great.
I love it, of course, - but - (grunts) There's a line.
There's a fucking line and you fucking crossed it and you know it.
- Did you really just do that? - You were outta line.
(sputtering) - You gonna fucking drown me? - (shouts) I called it! They're gays together! I don't have a problem with it.
In fact, I'm sort of a gay icon.
It's a beautiful thing.
Shame on you for thinking otherwise! - (both grunting) - Hey, boys! Knock it off! You boys are best friends! Stop it! Get the fuck off me, Mike! Have fun in California, you piece of shit.
Yeah, I fucking will! You see that pussy sucker punch me, Cool Uncle Jeff? - (munches) - So cool.
(howling) (giggles) Sometimes I just like to be silly.
Well, our time here is almost done.
I'd like to leave you with some parting thoughts.
(footsteps) We all want love.
- To be loved.
- (clinks) - To give love.
- (zaps) To pet dogs.
To make our parents proud.
To make our children happy.
To make the world a better place for our brothers and sisters - to live with compassion - (thuds) and without fear.
To live brave.
- (door slams) - (gun cocks) You know what? Fuck you, Mike! And fuck you, Principal Little Dick! And fuck school, fuck graduation, dude, and fu fucking fuck 311, man.
- Just fuck everything, dude.
- Psst! - Huh? - Hey, Phil, it's me, Nick Hexum, from your favorite band, 311.
(gasps, whispers) Nick H-E-X-U-M.
Yup, that's me.
Hey, Phil, what's your favorite 311 album? Oh, shit, dude.
Putting me on the spot.
Well, I'd have to say it's a tie between Grassroots, 311, Music, Transistor, and Soundsystem.
(chuckles) Equal.
Oh, snap! No new stuff? Oh my God, it's S.
A.
Martinez! But it's not like that, dude.
I like all your stuff.
It's okay.
It's all right.
I'm just playing, man.
We're cool.
(laughs) So, Phil, do you remember a song off Soundsystem called "Life's Not a Race"? So hard to believe - Yeah, exactly.
No, do you ever - Part of me will fade In the mystery, in a future world - He gonna do the whole song? - Long ago Part feels for your love and lives to tell you so Wow, he's really going for it.
- We get it.
We know the song.
- You can't stop entropy - So why even try? - Okay, okay, stop right there.
"You can't stop entropy, so why even try?" Do you know what I meant by that? Yeah! It's like life is like it's a spiral and it's also kind of a staircase to heaven.
- Mmm, not quite.
(whispers) - Nick, I don't think he knows what "entropy" means, man.
Do you know what entropy means? What is this, fucking English class or something? Get off my back.
Jesus Christ.
See, Phil, entropy stems from thermodynamics.
It's a theory that all things have a gradual but inevitable decline into disorder, decomposition, collapse, et cetera, et cetera.
(whispers) Wait a minute.
From Chaos.
That's exactly right.
From Chaos.
And if you actually listened to that album, you'd hear me say, "From chaos comes clarity.
" See, Phil, you're only given a limited time on this wild ride called life, and while we sometimes can't control the things around us, we can make the most of our time here.
So, maybe if you spent more time actually drawing and honing your craft instead of jerking off, you might not have flunked out of school.
You could've gotten that art scholarship that you secretly wanted, Phil.
And as for Mike, he believes in you, dude.
You're a fucking asshole, and he remained your friend this whole time.
Mm-hmm.
I mean, me and S.
A.
fight every now and then, - but it's all good.
It's only natural.
- Fuck you.
- Just kidding.
- Oh.
Okay.
(grunts) - (knocks) - Oh, hey, Dad.
All right, I'll meet you outside.
(chuckles) Wow.
That was a great episode by Phil and Mike.
What am I do I'm a fucking asshole.
What time is it? I can still catch him.
- 311, thank you so much.
- We're here to help, man.
I love you guys so much.
I listen to you guys every day.
See you later, Nick.
See you, Phil.
- See you later, S.
A.
- Later, man.
- Tell P-Nut I said, "Wassup?" - You got it.
(door opens, closes) All right, man, so what do you wanna do now? - Uh, tacos? - Tacos.
So, I implore you live through love, be compelled by love, be motivated by love, be in awe of love.
Don't let the world swallow you.
Don't let negativity, ego, money, or accolades guide your life.
Love your neighbor.
Buy expensive dog food it tastes better.
Because, really, no matter what entropy will win out in the end.
Goodbye, y'all.
I love you.
(snoring) - (police radio chatter) - (helicopter buzzing) (dramatic music playing) - (beeps) - (humming) (clatters) (beeping) (birds chirping) - Hmm? - (beeps) - Hey.
- Huh? - (speaks indiscernibly) - (static) (people chattering) (speaking indiscernibly) (continues over speakers) (continues over microwave) (speaking indiscernibly) Please.
- Mmm.
- (beeps) - (alarm blaring) - (whirs, beeps) (beeps, clanking) (whooshes) (hissing) (people screaming) - (hissing continues) - (screams) (screaming) - (shouts) - (all screaming) Mike! Mike! Where the fuck is he? - Mikey, have a blast in California.
- I'm gonna miss him so much.
- Family hug! - Love you guys.
- Be safe.
- Bye, Mike.
Good luck.
Thanks, Mrs.
Matarese.
I'll come visit you in California.
(kisses) I'll write to you.
I promise.
- Liz: Bye! Love you.
- Nino: Bye, Mike.
Love you.
- Bye, Mike.
Good luck.
- Mike! - (pants) Mike! - Phil? (pants, coughs) Dude, uh - I just wanted to say, "Later.
" - (chuckles) You know? Oh.
Yeah.
All right, have fun, man.
- Bring it.
Bring it in, yeah.
- Cool, thanks, man.
(clears throat) - Text you when I get in.
- Yeah, text me in the morning - or something.
Peace.
- Cool.
Hey, man.
You want to, like, play video games or something? - Okay.
- Tight.
- I'm Phil.
- I'm Jonas.
I'm gonna call you Mike, if that's okay.
I don't see a problem.
Mike: Phil! Phil! Holy shit.
Everybody, get up here! - (rats murmuring) - Everybody, it sounds intense.
- He's "Lassie-ing" us.
- Mike, come on, hurry up.
Whoa.
Holy shit.
It's completely empty.
There are no humans in sight.
(wind blows) (animal noises) Phil: It's just animals now.
Mom: It's beautiful.
(rooster crows) Auntie May: Well, I'll be dipped in shit.
So, are you still gonna go to California? ("New York, New York" playing) No fucking way, dude.
The city is ours.
We can do whatever we want.
And fuck school.
We'll figure out a way to make the cartoon on our own.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Like in Final Cut or some shit, - screen it around town, build a buzz.
- Yeah, build a buzz! We're never gonna leave.
What do you say? (coughs) Start spreading the news - Mike! - I'm leaving today - No, he's not! - I want to be a part of it Both: New York, New York (Mike and Phil vocalizing) (door opens) Oh shit! A turtle! (dogs howling to melody) It's up to you, New York New York Phil: Whoa, dude! That sounded good.
- Mike: That sounded incredible.
- That was really good.
Hold on.
I'm trying to concentrate on the moves.
- Sure.
- Okay, and then a little tush.
- Great, we're all in sync.
- Let's keep it up.
It's going good.
Oh! The sign's down.
- Oh! There we go! - Both: There's a fire! Phil: Look! Clear the room! Just run! Run! - Oh God! - Mike: Oh! We will be gone But not forever Come on, let's try And know whatever we try We will be gone But not forever We will be gone But not forever Come on, let's try And know whatever we try We will be gone But not forever The real truth about it is There ain't no end To the desert I'll cross I've really known it all along Mama, here comes midnight With the dead moon in its jaws