Are We There Yet? (2010) s02e10 Episode Script

- Wait for it.
Wait for it.
Bam! - Oh, no! I can't be down! - Oh, well, somebody's down.
And ya better stay down, sucka fresh.
- Why is mom talking like an '80s rapper? - What are you talking about? She just cold crushed Kevin.
- You guys really are perfect for each other.
- Word.
- All right.
I am the game queen.
Y'all better recognize.
- Mom, I hope you know That you're crushing my spirit right now.
- Oh, I'm sorry, baby That you're a loser! - Why does she get to do that and I get in trouble for it? - Because Kevin is her creation, And she can destroy him if she wants.
- That was really fun, sweetie.
And I don't want you to feel bad.
You know, I thought that video games Might be out of my league, but I was wrong.
There is no game that I cannot conquer.
- Go, baby.
- What games did you play when you were younger? - We played spades.
And unlike video games, which are easy, Spades is a game of strategy, a game of heart.
- A game of trash-talking.
- You know what? I think it's time That I get you guys ready for the real world.
- Are we about to have the sex talk? - No.
- The drug talk? - No.
- The "you don't listen to me" talk? - No! I'm about to plan a game night.
- Oh, yeah.
- What are we gonna play, cards? - You laugh.
- Uh, yeah, I don't know how hard cards is, But it can't be harder than Wii boxing.
- All right, all right.
Well, then it's on like donkey Kong.
- Okay, well, you better bring an extra face, 'cause I’m a break that one.
- Oh! - Dad, you gonna let him talk to mom like that? - Yo, yo, yo, baby, I think this little man is trying to talk some trash.
- Well, the union's not on strike, And I'm taking the trash out.
So why don't we just make this a little more interesting? You know, put something on it? - Okay, mom, when I beat you at "cards" - Oh! - You have to stop bugging me About cleaning my room and taking a bath.
- Ooh.
- Oh, okay.
Well, how about when I beat you - Oh! - You got to take a bath.
- Ooh.
- Every day.
- Every day, son.
- For two weeks.
- Not one but two, kid.
- I got this.
- And not a pretend bath Where you just splash around in the water And dip the washrag.
- Ah, get ready to buff, boy! - All right, cool, cool, cool.
- Cool.
- Cool! - All right, we got 'em, baby.
- You see them? They all swag Right? I know.
- Just cards? Really? - Mom's gonna kick your butt.
- Good morning.
- Morning.
- What's all this? A new client? - No, I'm planning a game night.
- Sorry, girl, I'm busy.
- I didn't even say when it was.
- When is it? - Saturday.
- Sorry, girl, I'm busy.
- No, you're not.
- Well, I'm not coming.
- Why? - Because you are a game Nazi.
- I am not.
- Suzanne, when you play games, you're cruel.
You take no prisoners.
And you're not sending me home crying.
- That was one time.
And everybody knows en you play spades You don't cut on the first book.
- See? - All right, well There'll be other games.
You don't have to play with me.
- Who else is coming? - I know Nick asked Marilyn, Martin, Terrence, Oh, and thunder Clark from his job.
- The weatherman? - Mm-Hmm.
- All right, well, can I bring Jevonne? - Your cousin? - Yes.
- That depends.
Can she play cards? - Hey, did you guys invite your friends for game night? - Yeah, trey's coming.
- Does his mother know? - I don't know.
- Well, tell her.
The last thing I need Is a missing white boy being found in my house.
What about you? - I'm bringing my friend Kelly.
- Oh, Kelly's the one that giggles all the time? - No, that's Ashley.
- Kelly's the one with the dog in her purse.
- No, that's trina.
- Is she the one we're not supposed to know had a baby? - That's destiny.
She's in boarding school now.
- Then who's Kelly? - The one you haven't met.
- So what are you doing? Homework? - Oh, no, research.
I'm playing spades online.
That bathtub is about to have a lonely two weeks.
- Oh, since you're feeling so good about this, son, How about we make things a little more interesting? - Okay, cool, pops.
- Now, check this out.
If we win, you're gonna have to clean both bathrooms, Shower and tub, for two weeks.
And when I say "clean," I mean scrubbed.
- Okay, cool, but if I win, Mom has to make me whatever I want for dinner For two weeks, plus no baths.
- Oh-ho-ho, deal.
Remind me to buy you some little tiny rubber gloves.
- Okay, well, take those little tiny rubber gloves And pick me up two weeks' worth of chicken nuggets and hot dogs.
It's about to be a party up in here.
- Ooh, look at you.
You look like a big scrubbing bubble.
- Wha - Okay, honey, since we have the bet going, You, me, Kevin, and Troy, We'll be playing spades in the dining room.
Celebrity is in the kitchen, And truth or dare? Is here in the living room.
- Okay, I got this.
- Thank you, baby.
- Okay, okay.
- Hey, Troy.
- Hey, Troy.
- Mr.
Kingston-persons, Since I'm gonna be on Kevin's team tonight, No hard feelings when we beat you Like your last name's king.
- Kelly, true story? - True story, based on real life.
- Um, can I have those, please? No, really.
It's okay.
I won't hurt you.
Thank you.
Talk to each other.
This is not talking to each No, I'm serious.
Thank you.
- Knock, knock.
- Hey.
- Hey, what up, d? Hey, look, man.
I know I only RSVP'd for one person, But can I bring a guest? - Sure.
- Good.
Come on, man.
Oh, hey, everybody.
Meet the Vato.
Vato, this everybody.
- What's up? - Hi.
- Hey.
- Yo, this is a nice house.
- I told you.
- Oh, thank you.
Hi, Terrence.
- Hey, little sis.
- I'm the vato.
- Yes.
Yes, you are.
Terrence, why are you handcuffed to the vato? - Ah, no, he's in Witness Protection.
See, I thought I had the night off, But they called me in 'cause he got into a little situation.
I was gonna cancel, But I said, "yo, that would be rude, you know?" So I was like, "yo, let's go hang out at my sister house.
" He was cool with it.
- Really? So you brought a wanted gang banger into my house? - Oh, no, he's not a real gang banger.
- That's the identity they gave me.
I used to be an accountant.
- And then he witnessed a murder, So after he testified, I tatted him up, Put a beanie on him, shipped him out to east L.
A.
- Then I witnessed another murder.
- You witnessed two murders? What are the odds? - About 12,018,083 to 1.
- Give or take a decimal or two.
Come on.
- Hey! Where the party at? - Oh! - Hey, baby.
- Wow, who is that, and why is she so loud? - That is Gigi's cousin Jevonne.
She's kind of like a mix Between an Amazon and a megaphone.
- Hey, let's get this party started, okay? It's gonna be on till the break of dawn.
Whoo-Whoo! - If by "break of dawn," you mean 11:30, Then whoop-whoop! - Look at you, looking like Rambo, All dangerous, ooh.
- Well, you look like a bit of trouble yourself.
I'm gonna have to take you somewhere and interrogate you.
- Uh-uh.
Terrence! Nuh-uh, go.
- Hey, everybody, look.
Look.
It's thunder Clark.
- And in case you're interested, It's 57 degrees and not a cloud in the sky.
Back to you, Nick.
- Hey, thunderclap.
- Clark.
- Whatever.
You owe me a pair of suede boots.
Ah! Thank you, baby.
- You're welcome.
- And how is it exactly That I've come to be in debt to you? - Three months ago, You said it was gonna be sunny and mild With temps in the mid-50s.
- October 22nd.
- Whatever.
I wore a brand-new pair Of Stuart Weizmann boots.
- That's a fine boot.
- You better believe it.
I get outside, it's damn near a flash flood.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
Well, you know, the weather sometimes can be temperamental.
- And so can I.
That's size eight, mid-calf, three-inch heels, Brown suede.
Move.
- Oh, feisty.
What is her story? - She's my mother.
End of story.
- I think this book belongs to the king of spades.
Bam! - Bam! - Oh, I think your king just got aced in the face! Hit it! Go, go, go, Kevin no baths go, Kevin, no baths got aced in the face, got aced in the face got aced in the - Nick! - I thought you had the ace.
- If I had the ace, I would have played the ace, And shorty lump-lump over here and Tommy Lee Wouldn't be dancing in your face.
All right, quit it! Sit down and deal.
- All right, um Am I Beyonce? - You are so much prettier than Beyonce.
Come on.
- Am I Tyra? - You're my top model.
You're hotter.
Come on.
- I'm pretty sure this is not how we play.
- I'm bored.
You want something to drink? - Sure.
- All right, it's your turn.
Time's a-tickin'.
- Okay, am I the man of your dreams? Ugh, if by man of my dreams, you mean dead? Yes.
Time's up.
Lindsey, it's your turn.
- Okay.
Am I a woman? - No.
- Am I incredibly rich? - Yes.
- Do I own a golf course? - Now, who do you know owns a golf course? Your time is up.
All right, cards out.
- What is this? - Good, right? I hooked you up.
- All right, let's go.
Cards out.
- Okay, Terrence, truth or dare? - I'll take the truth.
- Okay, what government agency do you actually work for? - The post office.
- Are you saying you're a tactical Agent For the United States post office? In the black ops division, I'm guessing.
What, you expect us to believe that? - Nope, and neither do they.
It's all supposed to sound utterly ridiculous.
- Take us through this.
- Okay, most people think that the CIA, NSA, and the FBI Is there to protect you.
- Right.
- No, that's a big lie.
The reason the post office suck at delivering mail Is because it's a cover business.
The post office actually hires The most deadly and highly trained workforce In the country.
That's why when somebody go postal, You got a real problem on your hands, boy.
And it's all paid for by stamps.
- Stamps? Well, okay.
Thanks for that.
- What, you don't believe me? Who don't believe me? Huh? Huh? Y'all better believe me.
- Thunder, truth or dare? - Dare.
- Bam! Hit it.
- Nick! How could you renege on that hand? We could have had that one.
- My cards got stuck.
- Man, Troy, you have got to come to dinner next week.
I'm gonna be eating good all week, son.
Hey, mom, can I put in a special order for him? - Uh, no.
- But what about our bet? - The bet was about you taking a bath.
- I'm talking about the new bet that me and dad made.
- You made a new bet? - You know, I might have said something About you cooking him anything he wants For dinner if he wins For two weeks.
- Oh, I see.
Okay, sidebar, please, honey.
Come here.
Come here.
Why are you side betting on stuff I've got to do And then playing these hands Like you've been knocked unconscious? - I got caught up.
Look, how bad can it be? All he wants is chicken nuggets and hot dogs.
- Hey, mom, do you know how to slow-cook Memphis-style ribs? And could you get that favorite barbecue sauce I like? I just love how it tastes on my fingers.
- This kid talking about Memphis-style ribs.
Who does he think I am, Gordon ramsay up in this? Come on.
Let's make it happen.
- You can get him this time, baby.
- Full of optimism.
- Okay.
Kelly, it's your turn.
- My turn to what? - Your turn to take a turn.
- Oh? - What are we playing again? - I don't know.
Let's play "this is a what?" - Okay, good.
Here we go.
This is a what? - A cup.
- I know! - Come on, play the game already.
- I'm going with truth.
- Okay, thunder.
If you could spend the weekend with any celebrity, Who would it be? - Oh, I'd have to say Angela Bassett.
She is a grown and sexy woman.
- Okay, Mr.
Man.
- Yeah, I see you like a little coffee in your cream.
- Well, I prefer to think of it As a little cafe in my au lait.
You know, you remind me of February 13, 1984.
- Oh, lord.
- No, now, stay with me.
I was in tempe, Arizona.
It was a clear day around oh, I don't know 79 degrees.
A few clouds from the east.
Wind due west at around six Miles an hour.
And Lionel Richie released hello.
- I'm more of a dancing on the ceiling man myself.
- So? - It was a perfect day.
Damn.
- Yo, t, game recognize game.
- Man, put your fist down.
Please.
- What's so funny? - This doesn't look strange to you? - I know what looks good to me, baby.
Mm, looks good.
- Look.
- Boo-yah.
- My book.
- I need you.
- Ha-ha, on y'all.
- Get your bath towel ready, boy.
- Suzanne, I need you.
- Go on, now.
I'm on a roll.
Look, see? - Come on, player.
- I can see your cards.
- All right, guys, I'm gonna need A little more dare and a little less truth.
This is truth or dare? It's supposed to get weird.
- I dare you to dare me to do something.
- Okay.
- Swap out.
I need you.
- Why? - Now.
- What's up, honey bun? - Bite size, you can't do nothing for me.
Truth or dare? - Oh, see, that's the trouble with some black women.
- Hey, hey, thunder cloud, You getting a little too familiar.
I don't want to have to show you the exit, now.
- What do you know about black women anyway? - Well, I know that black women Are stuck in a rut, you know what I mean, Sitting home, waiting for that one good black man To sweep them off their feet.
- Hey, you looking at one good black man right now That can snap your neck in 2.
3 seconds.
But I won't, 'cause I'm a good black man.
But I might.
- Well, no offense, man, But if your brothers represented like they should, This fine black woman wouldn't be single.
- How do you know she don't want to be single? - I don't.
Mind your own business.
Go on.
- Look, all I'm saying is that if black women Would just tear down those walls, They would see that like attracts like.
- Water rises to its own level? - Mm-Hmm, and a secure, confident woman Will attract the same.
- Hey, y'all gonna just act like we're not here? - Pipe down, choke hold.
You're so busy looking for superman, You don't see Clark Kent standing right in front of you.
- Would you like to go grab a drink? - I'd love nothing more.
Uh, if you do find That good black man you were talking about, Tell him Marilyn's rolling with thunder.
- Just walk away.
- What does this look like to you? - Uh, that would be two drunk teenagers.
- So I'm not crazy.
- Oh, no, I've had my fair share of experience With drunk women.
I'd say they're about a 0.
03, Adjusting for weight, Though I am surprised They're not dancing on the table yet.
- Let's dance on the table.
- Let's do it! - Ix-nay on the dancing-day.
- Lindsey, have you been drinking? - Drinking what? - Alcohol.
- No.
Want to dance? - No, I don't want to dance, Lindsey.
This is serious.
What do you know about that girl Kelly? - Kelly! Where is Kelly? Kelly - Okay.
- You know who you remind me of? - If you say Robin Thicke, I swear to God - Who's Robin Thicke? - Yeah, that's what I always say.
Uh, Gigi, we almost done in there? - Yeah, okay.
Kelly, listen.
Come on.
You can dance in the room with Lindsey.
Why don't you stay in there with her, okay? Okay.
- Bye, Robin.
- Okay.
- You just make sure they stay in there, okay? - I will keep Lolita on lock down.
- Okay.
Suzanne.
- Shh.
- Play the card.
- What? - Play the card! Play the card, Nick.
Play the card.
You win.
Play the card.
Play the card! Okay, play the card.
- Whoo! We win, baby-baby! - Whoa! No, that's not right! Wait a second.
- Oh, you hear that sound? You hear that sound? That's your spirit being crushed.
- Explain.
Now.
- I'm sorry.
- I don't want an apology.
I want to know where the two of you got alcohol.
- What alcohol? - It was me.
I put vodka in our sodas.
It was only two little bottles.
- Kelly, do you realize how dangerous that is? - I just wanted us to have some fun.
- Oh, so you just snuck alcohol into my house And spiked my daughter's drink? That's not fun, Kelly.
That's stupid.
That's like showing up at Taylor swift's house With kanye west.
- I just wanted Lindsey to like me.
- I do like you, Kelly.
That's why I invited you over.
- Kelly, I'm not trying to raise you, So I'm gonna tell you how this is.
If you ever do anything like this again, You and me are gonna have a serious problem.
- Are you gonna tell my mom? - That's what you're worried about? You're an underage drinker.
You could get my daughter sick.
You contributed to the delinquency of a minor.
You're lucky I don't call the police.
Yes, I'm going to call your mother.
And you should be happy that that's all I'm doing.
- I'm sorry.
- Lindsey, honey, are you okay? - No.
- Bye, Nick.
- Bye, Gigi, bye.
All right, Jevonne, okay.
- All right, baby.
- Bye, mom.
- Love you.
- That was a great party, Nick.
Your mother is a beautiful woman.
I'm so glad I had a chance to meet her.
- Where are you two going? - To buy me some new boots.
- At this time of night? - That's what the Internet's for.
- Hey, there, trick.
- It's Nick.
- Hey, man, we had big fun, man.
It was a great gathering, but we got to go.
You know, this was somewhat of an unsanctioned visit.
- Take care.
- ¿que es eso? - What's that mean? - Oh, that mean, "what's that?" - Okay, honey, I'm gonna take Kelly home.
- What's wrong with her? - I'll explain it to you when I get back.
- Here, that's hers.
- Mm-Hmm.
Thank you.
- All right.
Troy, time for you to go home.
Kevin, go on upstairs and take your bath.
- I don't think so.
- Yeah, we'd like to file a protest.
Your partner left, so technically, we win.
It's called a forfeit.
- A forfeit.
So why don't you just call mom And tell her to pick us up some chicken nuggets? - And a lot of ketchup.
- Ketchup.
Go on.
- I think he's still there, man.
- Are you still here? - Go!