Batman s02e10 Episode Script

Here it is, gentlemen.
Enough "kaboom" to turn Gotham into the world's biggest pothole.
What say we start the bidding at 1 million? - One million.
- Two million.
- Three million.
- Five.
Gentlemen, please.
Don't insult me with nickel-and-dime bids.
The man who walks out with this bomb walks out with Gotham in his pocket.
Yours to pick clean or blow sky-high.
Your call.
What am I bid? How about nothing? Zero, zip, zilch, nada.
My personal check for bupkis drawn on the First National Bank of Squadoo.
Sorry, boys this lot is sold.
You really should loosen up, dear.
Have a laugh now and then.
Oh, that's so much more pleasant.
Alerting the public now would only cause a panic, commissioner.
But if that madman plans to use the bomb, we've got to clear the city.
I can't evacuate 10 million people on your suspicions.
We don't even know if the bomb's still in Gotham.
Keep me posted if you find anything.
The Joker will be extra cautious.
We'll have to think like him.
Or recruit someone who does.
Miss Quinn.
Don't you knock before entering a lady's boudoir? - I need help.
- Well, you've come to the right place.
I recommend a lobotomy.
The Joker's stolen a bomb.
If I can't get to him in time this city and everyone in it is going up in a mushroom cloud.
So you want me to turn squealer on Mr.
J.
Sorry, B-man, no deal.
I've talked to Gordon and Dr.
Bartholomew.
You help me find the Joker, and they'll write your ticket out of here.
If you promise no double-cross.
Shoot, take all the fun out of life.
I don't have time for jokes.
Okay, okay, I promise.
Shake? Oh, the irony of it.
The grim, stalwart Dark Knight and his greatest female adversary fighting together to save the city.
I sense a lack of trust.
Sure you don't need any help keeping zippy under control? I'm fine.
Besides, I need you to be ready if Gordon's men get any leads.
- I'll signal if there's trouble.
- You got it.
- I wanna listen to the radio.
- Don't! Listen, and listen good.
You don't touch anything, say anything or do anything unless I tell you! - Got it? - Yes, sir.
So far, Joker hasn't been seen at any of his old hideouts.
I want you to show me the last place he used when he escaped.
Okay.
This used to be our special love nest.
Have a look around while I slip into something more comfortable.
No tricks.
Hey, we have a deal, remember? I feel like a human being again.
Hi, babies! Mommy's home! Are you the sweetest babies? Yes, you are.
Yes, you are.
How do you like our hacienda? Charming.
Especially these monitors.
Between the cops, city hall and the mayor's office, Joker has the whole city wired.
He's a genius.
What's the attraction, Quinn? This sick infatuation with the Joker.
Look, Bats, when I was a doctor I was always listening to other people's problems.
Then I met Mr.
J.
, who listened to me for a change and made everything fun.
- You think it's funny when he hurts people? - It's just a joke.
Hope you're still laughing when it's your turn.
Meet us at the Apex novelty factory.
Quinn says it's an old hideout.
But the Joker may be using it again.
I'm on my way.
- Grab on.
- I can do it myself, thank you.
Sneak, sneak, sneak.
What do you mean: No one's been in this dump for years.
Hey, guys, look who I got.
Well, well.
If it ain't the big, bad Batman come to break up Boxy Bennett's little social club.
It's gonna cost you, freak, bigtime.
Hi, Boxy.
Long time no see.
Harley Quinn.
Last I heard, they tossed you in the squirrel farm and swallowed the key.
What you doing with the Bat? Oh, come on, you don't think I was working with Batman? I know you'd blow us both away if you thought that.
You thought right, sugar.
- So you ain't seen Mr.
J.
Around, have you? - Nope.
I never could figure what a cute number like yourself saw in a slob like the Joker.
Especially when there are suave guys like me around.
Now, Boxy.
Sure, my pudding's a little temperamental.
But, gee, what relationship doesn't have its ups and downs? A flat.
I never knew That our romance had ended Until you poisoned my food And I thought it was a lark When you kicked me in the park But now I think it was rude I never knew that you and I were finished Until that bottle hit my head Though I tried to be aloof When you pushed me off the roof I feel our romance is dead It wouldn't have been so bad If you had told me That someone had taken my place But no No, you didn't even scold me You just tried to disfigure my face You'll never know How this heart of mine is breaking It looks so hopeless But then life used to be so placid Won't you please put down that acid? And say that we're sweethearts again Yeah.
All right, baby! All right, B and R! Hey, ugly.
They're all working together.
Let's go, Quinn.
Quinn! Bombs away! Yes! Did you see the way I handled those creeps? Batgirl, eat your heart out.
What was she before she went bonkers? A clinical psychiatrist.
Figures.
- Any word on the Joker? - Nothing.
I even checked with Gordon again, and the mayor still refuses to let the cops evacuate the city.
Oh, it's brilliant.
Way to go, Mr.
J.
What are you saying? Oh, come on, Bats.
You've seen how my pudding keeps an eye on Gotham.
What better way to tie up the cops than to tie up the mayor? See, do I know how Mr.
J.
Thinks, or what? And here you thought I was just another bubble-headed, blond bimbo.
Well, the joke's on you.
I'm not even a real blond.
Good job.
Hey! - What gives? - I can't risk you warning the Joker.
Would I do a thing like that? Hey, let me out! Come on! Boy, you just can't trust some people.
Nothing like a moonlight dip, eh, Mr.
Mayor? Please, just make your ransom demands and get on with it.
Oh, no ransom this time, Hammy.
- You can't mean - Oh, yes, indeed-y do.
Instead of taking you, the cops and the Batman down separately I'm going to blast you all at once.
Send down the plane, boys.
We're blowing town.
Literally.
Yes, sir.
But all those innocent people.
Some joke on them, eh? Think of it as the ultimate punch line.
What? Hey! Gee, it's amazing what you find in people's glove compartments.
Harley? Hi, pudding.
Miss me? You clever little minx.
How did you escape from Arkham? Batman sprung me so I could find you.
Had me all locked up in his bad old car too.
Quinn, we had a deal! Deal's off, B-man.
No one ever said anything about hurting Mr.
J.
Ten-minute countdown sequence has been engaged.
Oh, my Lord.
Come, my dear.
We'll get to a safe altitude, then watch the fireworks.
It's lucky you were here, Harley.
The countdown sequence didn't leave Joker enough time to swing by Arkham and pick you up.
- Quiet, brat.
You were gonna come back for me, weren't you, pudding? Of course, pumpkin pie.
It's just that Well, here you are so I can save myself a trip.
But what about all our friends? Ivy and Two Face and hat guy and lizard man and puppet head and What about them? Don't forget your little pets.
The babies! We can't leave the babies! I'll buy you a goldfish.
- Let's go! - No! Why, you little You know, Bats, I got a crazy idea Mr.
J.
May not be the guy for me after all.
- Go around again! - But, boss - I said, do it! - Yes, sir.
Made it with time to spare.
That bomb's going off even if I go with it! Laugh this off, pudding! - Freeze, clown.
- Quinn, stop! He's mine, Bats.
You wouldn't dare.
You don't have the guts.
Not in a million years would you Baby, you're the greatest.