Better Off Ted (2009) s02e10 Episode Script
Lust in Translation
L up a couple notches.
That's when I need to stay especially calm, So my people will stay calm.
Hey, cats and kittens, what is going on With the multi-language translator device? Oh, my god.
Ted's overcompensating for his stress.
The project must be in huge trouble.
Our lives as we know them are over! Guys, it's all right, okay.
I just want to make sure We're on track with the translator.
The germans are gonna be here this afternoon.
They might want to see a demonstration.
Oh.
Well, we can do that.
What'd you come in here all calm for? A-and listen, the germans are worried About working with us, because, ironically, They think that veridian is ruthlessly efcient And bent on world domination.
Wow.
That's like when those irish auditors tught Our accounting department drank too much And wrote overly depressing poetry.
Well, maybe you could put away Some of your especially evil creations.
Uh, you know, in case they want to see the lab.
Evil? (laughs) (laughs) we don't create evil things.
Some might see this long-range people-skinning laser As evil-ish.
That was only designed So you could peel an orange in your kitchen While sitting comfortably in your living room.
Well, now it's used to peel enemy soldiers overseas, While you sit comfortably at the pentagon.
Well, what about this translator device? That's going to make it easier for people To talk to each other, and with the exception Of almost everything my wife ever says to me, Communication is always good.
Well, actually, the military is also gonna use it To interrogate prisoners.
Listen, just to be safe, Why don't we clear everything away, uh, Except the ficus? You mean the man-eating ficus? All right.
I'll just try to keep the germans upstairs.
Is everything we do down here evil? Well, that's crazy.
We make a lot of nice stuff, Like, uh Kills Slowly kills Quickly kills Helps shed unwanted pounds! But also kills.
Oh, my god.
Maybe we're evil scientists.
(laughs maniacally) I'm sorry.
I laugh like that when faced with an unpleasant truth.
That's why I got thrown out of that al gore movie.
(cell phone rings) (ring) Hey, excuse me.
This isn't a library.
You can't just leave your trash wherever you want.
(sighs) jeez.
Hey, brett, you see that awesome youtube video Of that goat that sounds like a man? He keeps yelling (imitating goat) "mark! Mark!" I love that goat.
He's all (imitating goat) "mark! Mark!" Do you mind? "mark!" "mark!" "mark!" "mark!" "mark!" That's the last time forward anything to you guys.
"mark!" (ted) worried about the deal with the germans, Veronica was also under a lot of stress.
We believe the multi-language translator Will create a furor in germany, A furor that will sweep across europe, Crushing No.
(thumping) (thumping) What's going on? Do you live here? Do all the cubicle workers have little hobbit holes like this? No, some of us nest in trees, others have underground warrens.
Actually, I just found this empty room, So I decorated a little, And come here occasionally to get a break From that corporate mosh pit out there.
Was that thumping noise The sound of you banging your head against the wall, You know, why don't you lay off? If you want.
I'm sorry.
It's just, I'm a little sensitive about the hobbit jokes, Because I think of myself as having big, floppy feet.
I know.
It's crazy, right? (laughs) Fine.
Don't reassure me about my giant feet-- Which I might be too sensitive about.
(laughs) Again, thank you.
Anyway, that thumping sound Was this game I came up with to blow off steam.
You take a bagel, you stand on this coffee stain, And you try to bounce it off that wall And into that air vent.
(thump) Ahh.
It's pretty tricky.
Mm Not for me, Because I'm good at everything I do.
I'm not bragging, Because bragging is the one thing I'm not good at.
Although, if I wanted to be, I'd be excellent at that, too, As I've just proved.
Really? You think you'd be better than me at linda bagel? Because, you know I'm linda.
And I'm veronica.
So bagel me.
Veronica is late for our big meeting With the germans, Who, of course, are right on time.
What? It's a positive stereotype.
Anyway, now I am stuck having to charm them All by myself.
(woman) â�la la la â�/i> Which suddenly, I am fine with.
Pots-damn! Hello, I'm ted crisp.
Guten tag, I'm hans muller.
This is carl hoffman Und our c.
E.
O.
Greta schulz.
Hello, I am being happy to meet you.
You and I Do it, I hope.
The coming together? Uh, o-okay.
I hope so, too.
Fraulein schulz is not fluent in english.
She means she hopes this deal between our two companies Will come together.
Thanks for the clarification, Herr buzzkill.
(thump) Hoo! Nothin' but vent! Do I look like a bus? 'cause I just took you to school.
Suck my big hobbit feet! Uhh, uhh Keep your flippers in your clown shoes, linda.
We're going again.
(exhales deeply) (thump) (thumping) The multiple language trslator device Will instantaneously translate any language (speaking german) Into any other.
(phi jusk this switch And turn this dial to the desired language.
(sighs) sorry I'm late.
There was an emergency With the dough-based projectile ventilation targeting system.
(speaking german) (veronica) please Continue.
Phil, who speaks fluent german, Will now speak into the device, Which will translate what he says into english.
(speaking german) (robotic voice) hello.
I am your friend.
Do not be afraid.
It's me! Phil! (speaking german) (whispers) I thought you guys were working on the voice.
We were, and we made it more awesome.
(chuckles) who wouldn't want to sound Li a 90-foot robot, you know? (phil continues speaking german) (robotic voice) our ships are hovering Above all your citie (speaks german) Oh, god.
We have unhappy germans.
Nothing good has ever come from that.
Um, okay, we will have this voice fixed In a couple days.
I-in the meantime, Why don't you relax? Maybe do some sightseeing? (speaking german) Yes, on us! Throw on some leather shorts, Dark shoes, socks up to the knees, And stomp around our fine city.
(continues speaking german) Perhaps ted can stomp me.
(whispers indistinctly) ah--stomp with me.
I not wish to die from ted's under-boot.
(laughs) (laughs) good, 'cause I just got new under-boots.
I'd hate to have to scrape you off them.
(speaking german) you know what? Don't translate that.
Just--just tell her I'd be happy to take her around.
(resumes speaking german) I saw what was going on in there Between you and fraulein cheekbones.
When you show her arnd town, Keep your hansels off her gretels.
I was just being friendly.
I'm serious, ted.
This deal is too important, And sex can screw things up.
Why do you think The three stooges went through so many curlys? Wow.
Look at her.
I can have a personal relationship And not screw up a business deal.
I'm nothing like the three stooges.
I have never spent the night in a mummy museum Or--or smuggled a chicken into the opera.
Hello, toad.
(laughs) Ted.
Eat me? Let's go to dinner.
*** Phil and lem couldn't stand the thought Of being evil scientists.
Maybe if we ca up with something that's pure good-- Something that the company couldn't possibly use for evil.
Or What if we invent something That's already pure evil? Then maybe the company will turn it into something goo Like a horrible device that drops heavy things on your feet And tells you the end of movies You really, really wanted to see.
I thought you saw "the sixth sense," And I told you I was setting down my end of the sofa.
Well, I hadn't, and my toe will never be the same.
How are glasses and mustache doing with the translator voice? First of all, Glasses and mustache are the same person.
And, uh, lem and phil need a little bit more time.
(sighs) the germans aren't going to like this.
Actually, they're in no hurry to leave town.
Oh, my god.
You're jackhammering gretel like she's the berlin wall.
It was a little more romantic than that.
Although There was a lot of cheering in german, Followed by heartfelt congratulations.
Ted, if something goes wrong, you could blow this whole deal.
But you think nothing will go wrong, Just because it's you.
I do not think that, Although nothing will go wrong.
It's me.
That's hubris, ted.
You're cocky.
You think you can't lose.
It's very self-destructive.
You should take a hard look at-- Linda, rematch in 30 minutes, And this time, there's no way I lose.
Okay, but I don't think you used my proper title.
Oh, queen linda the dainty-footed.
Anyway.
(sighs) You're gonna end up making a fool of yourself.
So why is veronica talking to you Like a waitress at medieval times? Wasn't it great? I made up this bagel toss game, And when she loses, I make her say stuff.
And she always loses.
Chick throws a bagel like the horse is still attached.
(laughs) that works better for horseshoes, But you get the point.
Look, veronica's got the better job, The better car, the better shoe size.
This is the only thing I'll evedo That I'm better at than she is.
And I'm telling myself it's the most important thing.
Well, I can see by the spittle flying out of your mouth That you're in a good place, but, uh, you should know, Veronica will strike back.
I don't care.
It's worth it, as long as I keep winning-- Which I will, because I am linda of linda bagel.
You know what that is? That's hubris.
You're cocky.
You think you can't lose.
It's very self-destructive.
(cell phone ringing) You should take a hard look at--ooh! It's greta.
We've got a date tonight.
It is gonna be awesome.
Here's a little extra work That requires your royal touch, queen linda.
Heavy is theead that wears the $10 haircut.
(sighs) no problem.
It's as easy as throwing a bagel through a vent.
Oh, I'm sorry.
For some people, that's practically impossible.
(speaking indistinctly) (laughs) In spite of not being able to speak very well, Greta and I were having no trouble communicating.
Oh! Hmm? It is here.
Herr muller bring for me.
Surprise.
I tell flem and the little bird man, "mach schnell.
I must speak with mein ted.
" Really? They fixed it.
That is fantastic.
(speaking german) (phil's voice) I really like you, ted.
You're a very special man.
Is that phil's voice? What's wrong? (phil's voice) die stimme Von diesen dingen ist mein freund phil.
I like this voice.
It's warm and friendly And almost gender-neutral.
The device works.
Our business deal will be a success.
Kiss me, ted.
Kiss me hard on the lips.
What? I thought you'd be happy we can finally Get to know each other on an emotional level.
Our relationship wasn't just about sex, was it? No.
(phil's voice) nein.
Then let's go into the bedroom, And we can make love and talk And make love and talk all night.
Yay.
Yay.
(sighs) Phil, why on earth would you use Your voice for the translator device? It was the fastest way to fix it, Sincwe already had my voice in the computer From that failed talking frying pan project.
Stupid thing wouldn't stop screamin When you put it on the burner.
Plus, it was very critical-- "you really need that much butter?" Screw you, frying pan.
Okay, fellas-- excuse us.
So here's the deal.
Greta and I are dating.
(gasps) But It's hard for me to fulfill my manly duties When phil keeps telling me how much I'm pleasuring him.
Oh, my god.
Yes.
You said that a lot last night.
Guys, I need your help.
I really like greta, And I don't want this thing between us to go south, Plusif it does, I-I could foul up this whole deal, And veronica's gonna kill me.
Recording and loading a new voice could take days.
Well, we still have those nixon tapes.
I guess we could pull from those.
I'm beginning to think you guys really are evil scientists.
Oh, hi, ted.
How are things going with greta? You screw that up yet? No, not at all.
We really like each other.
Plus, she is very happy with the new voice on the translator.
The guys just need a little time to tweak it.
It's close, it's close.
Ohh, it's so close.
Oh, man.
I have to go.
I need you to design me a perfect bagel.
Perfect but somehow evil? Like halfway down your throat, it triples in size Or tells you the end to "rocky iv"? No, just a dozen perfect, aerodynamically balanced bagels.
A perfect bagel-- There's no way that could be used for anything bad.
I'm using them to cheat.
Linda sucked me into this stupid game, And your super-bagels will help me destroy her.
And Boom.
We're back in the evil business.
Oh, and throw in a pint of cream cheese.
I don't care how evil you are-- You don't show up with bagels and no schmear.
Linda.
So if a guy asked you not to talk during sex, Would you be offended? No woman likes to be told to shut up during sex.
Wait.
Did paul from accounting tell you to ask me that? Because all we did was make out in his car, And all I said was, "get off my hair.
" paul from accounting? Really? (scoffs) no.
Gotcha.
Would you leave? I have a lot of work to do.
Yeah, what is all this? Veronica's retalting.
Why don't you just let her win? Wh-what are you afraid of? If you--if you throw a game, It's gonna keep you out of the time-wasters' hall of fame? No.
My position there is secure From getting my art history degree.
I just can't make myself lose.
I've tried, but it feels so good to beat her.
Well, then figure out a way to end the game without losing.
Like, when rose gets frustrated with checkers, She just flips the board over.
I once tried the same thing in vegas with a craptable.
Got it up just high enough to tear every muscle in my back.
Interesting.
Like when van gogh got so frustrated With his paintings, he ripped up his canvases.
That little factoid cost my parents $60,000 in tuition.
Mm.
Since I couldn't tell greta not to talk, I tried to make it so I couldn't hear.
(loud music playing) (speaking german) (phil's voice) ted, the music is so loud.
(speaking indistinctly) (phil's voice) ich weiss.
Ist es nicht erotisch? (music stops) I know your friend's voice bothers you, But isn't it worth it to hear my feelings And instructions About the best way to touch my breasts? Eh If we can't communicate, Then this is all just about sex, And that doesn't work for me.
Es ist nicht nur sex, phil-- greta.
Sehen sie das problem? Why don't you take that schnitzel you brought me And go home? Ich will das zu den schnitzel ast.
Den schnitzel macht dich glucklich.
That's because I thought the schnitzel meant something.
But I was wrong So wrong--about you and the schnitzel.
Good morning.
Fraulein schulz has decided that we do not want To partner with your company on the transtor device.
Good-bye.
Was much promising, but not true.
Damn it, ted.
You were much promising but not true, weren't you? She wanted to use the translator device With phil's voice during sex.
I don't care if she wanted to use phil during sex.
You screwed this up because you were so sure You were smarter than the three stooges.
You're right.
And I like greta.
I don't want it to end like this.
I'm gonna go talk to her.
Greta, wait.
Can we talk? (lem's voice) human be'! (speaks klingon) Damn it.
I told them not to put klingon on this thing.
Greta (phil's voice) warten sie, greta.
Konnen wir sprechen? You have one minute.
Veronica just called.
She's about to play another game with linda and wants us To bring the super-bagels so she can cheat.
We're completely corrupted now.
We're like michael corleone at the end of "the godfather.
" Damn it, lem! Well, you should watch a movie occasionally.
Look at them.
They're so beautiful.
Usinthem for wickedness would be like Beating a unicorn to death with a bag of rainbows.
Mm-hmm.
Maybe we should take a stand.
Maybe we should say This is the one thing that must not be used for evil.
Or maybe we say that the next thing we make Mustot be used for evil, but this one we're fine with.
And maybe the next one after that, too.
But someday, they will push us too far.
And then next time after that, we-- no.
The time is now Huh.
Maybe we should discuss this for another 20 minutes, And then commit to something.
Good.
You made it.
Go inside.
I'll be in in a minute.
Lem and phil are bringing me something.
It--it has nothing to do with the game.
It's a Lucky hat.
I may decide not to wear it.
So if I come in without a hat, don't give it a second thought.
I have devastating news.
Somehow, security found out about the room.
I don't know how.
Nobody does, and nobody ever will, So just drop that.
But they don't like people screwing around on company time, So they're coming right now to lock it up.
Ugh! No! It can't end until I win.
Fine, I'll play without my Whatever the hell I said I was waiting for.
Come on.
(phil's voice) okay, ted, I will give you another chance.
Lock the door and take me, and don't be gentle.
Aber konnten wir uber unsere gefuhl nicht gerade sprechen? Nein.
No.
And none of that silly foreplay this time.
Just go for it.
(objects clatter) Ha! I've tied it up.
Your turn, meat.
You gonna blow it? Huh, meat? You gonna choke? (gags) I'm linda.
I'm choking.
I've got a big chunk of pressure lodged in my throat.
It's like a chicken bone.
Come on, chicken bone.
Chicken bone.
Chicken bone.
I'm really gonna miss this.
Oh, ted.
That feels so good.
More, more.
Don't stop.
What the hell is that? What are phil and ted doing? Oh, is that distracting? Come on, chicken bone, focus.
Don't think about ted nailing phil.
You are so good with the sex, ted.
What?! Throw the bagel, chicken bone.
Throw it! Throw it! Throw it! Yes! This is it.
(kisses) This is for the world championship (slo-mo voice) of the world.
I did it! I beat you! Ha! Yeah, whatever.
Seriously, what is up with ted and phil? I have to get that bagel.
It's going in my trophy case.
Also, I have to get a trophy case.
Wow, it's way back there.
Are you sure we're doing the right thing? I've never been so sure About being unsure of anything in my life.
Good.
Then we're on the same page.
Let's do it.
Aah! Veronica, we've made a decision.
Maybe we should ask her why she just fell through the ceiling.
No.
No small talk.
These bagels are the one thing We will not allow to be used for evil.
I won.
Congratulations.
The deal with the germans just went through.
And congratulations to you for falling through the ceiling In a metal tube and winning that game.
That's gotta feel good.
You're gonna have to speak up.
I'm temporarily af in one ear.
As you may know, I fell through the ceiling in a metal tube.
But at least I won that game, and that feels good.
Hmm.
These super-bagels are terrible.
You can totally taste the high impact carbon.
That's because they're Whenever you go past 97%, it's hard to mask the taste.
(whoosh) (whoosh) (bagels whooshing) So I was able to navigate that tricky situation with greta, So you were wrong.
I am not like the three stooges.
Ow! Ooh! Ah, a couple of wise guys, eh? (phil whimpers)
That's when I need to stay especially calm, So my people will stay calm.
Hey, cats and kittens, what is going on With the multi-language translator device? Oh, my god.
Ted's overcompensating for his stress.
The project must be in huge trouble.
Our lives as we know them are over! Guys, it's all right, okay.
I just want to make sure We're on track with the translator.
The germans are gonna be here this afternoon.
They might want to see a demonstration.
Oh.
Well, we can do that.
What'd you come in here all calm for? A-and listen, the germans are worried About working with us, because, ironically, They think that veridian is ruthlessly efcient And bent on world domination.
Wow.
That's like when those irish auditors tught Our accounting department drank too much And wrote overly depressing poetry.
Well, maybe you could put away Some of your especially evil creations.
Uh, you know, in case they want to see the lab.
Evil? (laughs) (laughs) we don't create evil things.
Some might see this long-range people-skinning laser As evil-ish.
That was only designed So you could peel an orange in your kitchen While sitting comfortably in your living room.
Well, now it's used to peel enemy soldiers overseas, While you sit comfortably at the pentagon.
Well, what about this translator device? That's going to make it easier for people To talk to each other, and with the exception Of almost everything my wife ever says to me, Communication is always good.
Well, actually, the military is also gonna use it To interrogate prisoners.
Listen, just to be safe, Why don't we clear everything away, uh, Except the ficus? You mean the man-eating ficus? All right.
I'll just try to keep the germans upstairs.
Is everything we do down here evil? Well, that's crazy.
We make a lot of nice stuff, Like, uh Kills Slowly kills Quickly kills Helps shed unwanted pounds! But also kills.
Oh, my god.
Maybe we're evil scientists.
(laughs maniacally) I'm sorry.
I laugh like that when faced with an unpleasant truth.
That's why I got thrown out of that al gore movie.
(cell phone rings) (ring) Hey, excuse me.
This isn't a library.
You can't just leave your trash wherever you want.
(sighs) jeez.
Hey, brett, you see that awesome youtube video Of that goat that sounds like a man? He keeps yelling (imitating goat) "mark! Mark!" I love that goat.
He's all (imitating goat) "mark! Mark!" Do you mind? "mark!" "mark!" "mark!" "mark!" "mark!" That's the last time forward anything to you guys.
"mark!" (ted) worried about the deal with the germans, Veronica was also under a lot of stress.
We believe the multi-language translator Will create a furor in germany, A furor that will sweep across europe, Crushing No.
(thumping) (thumping) What's going on? Do you live here? Do all the cubicle workers have little hobbit holes like this? No, some of us nest in trees, others have underground warrens.
Actually, I just found this empty room, So I decorated a little, And come here occasionally to get a break From that corporate mosh pit out there.
Was that thumping noise The sound of you banging your head against the wall, You know, why don't you lay off? If you want.
I'm sorry.
It's just, I'm a little sensitive about the hobbit jokes, Because I think of myself as having big, floppy feet.
I know.
It's crazy, right? (laughs) Fine.
Don't reassure me about my giant feet-- Which I might be too sensitive about.
(laughs) Again, thank you.
Anyway, that thumping sound Was this game I came up with to blow off steam.
You take a bagel, you stand on this coffee stain, And you try to bounce it off that wall And into that air vent.
(thump) Ahh.
It's pretty tricky.
Mm Not for me, Because I'm good at everything I do.
I'm not bragging, Because bragging is the one thing I'm not good at.
Although, if I wanted to be, I'd be excellent at that, too, As I've just proved.
Really? You think you'd be better than me at linda bagel? Because, you know I'm linda.
And I'm veronica.
So bagel me.
Veronica is late for our big meeting With the germans, Who, of course, are right on time.
What? It's a positive stereotype.
Anyway, now I am stuck having to charm them All by myself.
(woman) â�la la la â�/i> Which suddenly, I am fine with.
Pots-damn! Hello, I'm ted crisp.
Guten tag, I'm hans muller.
This is carl hoffman Und our c.
E.
O.
Greta schulz.
Hello, I am being happy to meet you.
You and I Do it, I hope.
The coming together? Uh, o-okay.
I hope so, too.
Fraulein schulz is not fluent in english.
She means she hopes this deal between our two companies Will come together.
Thanks for the clarification, Herr buzzkill.
(thump) Hoo! Nothin' but vent! Do I look like a bus? 'cause I just took you to school.
Suck my big hobbit feet! Uhh, uhh Keep your flippers in your clown shoes, linda.
We're going again.
(exhales deeply) (thump) (thumping) The multiple language trslator device Will instantaneously translate any language (speaking german) Into any other.
(phi jusk this switch And turn this dial to the desired language.
(sighs) sorry I'm late.
There was an emergency With the dough-based projectile ventilation targeting system.
(speaking german) (veronica) please Continue.
Phil, who speaks fluent german, Will now speak into the device, Which will translate what he says into english.
(speaking german) (robotic voice) hello.
I am your friend.
Do not be afraid.
It's me! Phil! (speaking german) (whispers) I thought you guys were working on the voice.
We were, and we made it more awesome.
(chuckles) who wouldn't want to sound Li a 90-foot robot, you know? (phil continues speaking german) (robotic voice) our ships are hovering Above all your citie (speaks german) Oh, god.
We have unhappy germans.
Nothing good has ever come from that.
Um, okay, we will have this voice fixed In a couple days.
I-in the meantime, Why don't you relax? Maybe do some sightseeing? (speaking german) Yes, on us! Throw on some leather shorts, Dark shoes, socks up to the knees, And stomp around our fine city.
(continues speaking german) Perhaps ted can stomp me.
(whispers indistinctly) ah--stomp with me.
I not wish to die from ted's under-boot.
(laughs) (laughs) good, 'cause I just got new under-boots.
I'd hate to have to scrape you off them.
(speaking german) you know what? Don't translate that.
Just--just tell her I'd be happy to take her around.
(resumes speaking german) I saw what was going on in there Between you and fraulein cheekbones.
When you show her arnd town, Keep your hansels off her gretels.
I was just being friendly.
I'm serious, ted.
This deal is too important, And sex can screw things up.
Why do you think The three stooges went through so many curlys? Wow.
Look at her.
I can have a personal relationship And not screw up a business deal.
I'm nothing like the three stooges.
I have never spent the night in a mummy museum Or--or smuggled a chicken into the opera.
Hello, toad.
(laughs) Ted.
Eat me? Let's go to dinner.
*** Phil and lem couldn't stand the thought Of being evil scientists.
Maybe if we ca up with something that's pure good-- Something that the company couldn't possibly use for evil.
Or What if we invent something That's already pure evil? Then maybe the company will turn it into something goo Like a horrible device that drops heavy things on your feet And tells you the end of movies You really, really wanted to see.
I thought you saw "the sixth sense," And I told you I was setting down my end of the sofa.
Well, I hadn't, and my toe will never be the same.
How are glasses and mustache doing with the translator voice? First of all, Glasses and mustache are the same person.
And, uh, lem and phil need a little bit more time.
(sighs) the germans aren't going to like this.
Actually, they're in no hurry to leave town.
Oh, my god.
You're jackhammering gretel like she's the berlin wall.
It was a little more romantic than that.
Although There was a lot of cheering in german, Followed by heartfelt congratulations.
Ted, if something goes wrong, you could blow this whole deal.
But you think nothing will go wrong, Just because it's you.
I do not think that, Although nothing will go wrong.
It's me.
That's hubris, ted.
You're cocky.
You think you can't lose.
It's very self-destructive.
You should take a hard look at-- Linda, rematch in 30 minutes, And this time, there's no way I lose.
Okay, but I don't think you used my proper title.
Oh, queen linda the dainty-footed.
Anyway.
(sighs) You're gonna end up making a fool of yourself.
So why is veronica talking to you Like a waitress at medieval times? Wasn't it great? I made up this bagel toss game, And when she loses, I make her say stuff.
And she always loses.
Chick throws a bagel like the horse is still attached.
(laughs) that works better for horseshoes, But you get the point.
Look, veronica's got the better job, The better car, the better shoe size.
This is the only thing I'll evedo That I'm better at than she is.
And I'm telling myself it's the most important thing.
Well, I can see by the spittle flying out of your mouth That you're in a good place, but, uh, you should know, Veronica will strike back.
I don't care.
It's worth it, as long as I keep winning-- Which I will, because I am linda of linda bagel.
You know what that is? That's hubris.
You're cocky.
You think you can't lose.
It's very self-destructive.
(cell phone ringing) You should take a hard look at--ooh! It's greta.
We've got a date tonight.
It is gonna be awesome.
Here's a little extra work That requires your royal touch, queen linda.
Heavy is theead that wears the $10 haircut.
(sighs) no problem.
It's as easy as throwing a bagel through a vent.
Oh, I'm sorry.
For some people, that's practically impossible.
(speaking indistinctly) (laughs) In spite of not being able to speak very well, Greta and I were having no trouble communicating.
Oh! Hmm? It is here.
Herr muller bring for me.
Surprise.
I tell flem and the little bird man, "mach schnell.
I must speak with mein ted.
" Really? They fixed it.
That is fantastic.
(speaking german) (phil's voice) I really like you, ted.
You're a very special man.
Is that phil's voice? What's wrong? (phil's voice) die stimme Von diesen dingen ist mein freund phil.
I like this voice.
It's warm and friendly And almost gender-neutral.
The device works.
Our business deal will be a success.
Kiss me, ted.
Kiss me hard on the lips.
What? I thought you'd be happy we can finally Get to know each other on an emotional level.
Our relationship wasn't just about sex, was it? No.
(phil's voice) nein.
Then let's go into the bedroom, And we can make love and talk And make love and talk all night.
Yay.
Yay.
(sighs) Phil, why on earth would you use Your voice for the translator device? It was the fastest way to fix it, Sincwe already had my voice in the computer From that failed talking frying pan project.
Stupid thing wouldn't stop screamin When you put it on the burner.
Plus, it was very critical-- "you really need that much butter?" Screw you, frying pan.
Okay, fellas-- excuse us.
So here's the deal.
Greta and I are dating.
(gasps) But It's hard for me to fulfill my manly duties When phil keeps telling me how much I'm pleasuring him.
Oh, my god.
Yes.
You said that a lot last night.
Guys, I need your help.
I really like greta, And I don't want this thing between us to go south, Plusif it does, I-I could foul up this whole deal, And veronica's gonna kill me.
Recording and loading a new voice could take days.
Well, we still have those nixon tapes.
I guess we could pull from those.
I'm beginning to think you guys really are evil scientists.
Oh, hi, ted.
How are things going with greta? You screw that up yet? No, not at all.
We really like each other.
Plus, she is very happy with the new voice on the translator.
The guys just need a little time to tweak it.
It's close, it's close.
Ohh, it's so close.
Oh, man.
I have to go.
I need you to design me a perfect bagel.
Perfect but somehow evil? Like halfway down your throat, it triples in size Or tells you the end to "rocky iv"? No, just a dozen perfect, aerodynamically balanced bagels.
A perfect bagel-- There's no way that could be used for anything bad.
I'm using them to cheat.
Linda sucked me into this stupid game, And your super-bagels will help me destroy her.
And Boom.
We're back in the evil business.
Oh, and throw in a pint of cream cheese.
I don't care how evil you are-- You don't show up with bagels and no schmear.
Linda.
So if a guy asked you not to talk during sex, Would you be offended? No woman likes to be told to shut up during sex.
Wait.
Did paul from accounting tell you to ask me that? Because all we did was make out in his car, And all I said was, "get off my hair.
" paul from accounting? Really? (scoffs) no.
Gotcha.
Would you leave? I have a lot of work to do.
Yeah, what is all this? Veronica's retalting.
Why don't you just let her win? Wh-what are you afraid of? If you--if you throw a game, It's gonna keep you out of the time-wasters' hall of fame? No.
My position there is secure From getting my art history degree.
I just can't make myself lose.
I've tried, but it feels so good to beat her.
Well, then figure out a way to end the game without losing.
Like, when rose gets frustrated with checkers, She just flips the board over.
I once tried the same thing in vegas with a craptable.
Got it up just high enough to tear every muscle in my back.
Interesting.
Like when van gogh got so frustrated With his paintings, he ripped up his canvases.
That little factoid cost my parents $60,000 in tuition.
Mm.
Since I couldn't tell greta not to talk, I tried to make it so I couldn't hear.
(loud music playing) (speaking german) (phil's voice) ted, the music is so loud.
(speaking indistinctly) (phil's voice) ich weiss.
Ist es nicht erotisch? (music stops) I know your friend's voice bothers you, But isn't it worth it to hear my feelings And instructions About the best way to touch my breasts? Eh If we can't communicate, Then this is all just about sex, And that doesn't work for me.
Es ist nicht nur sex, phil-- greta.
Sehen sie das problem? Why don't you take that schnitzel you brought me And go home? Ich will das zu den schnitzel ast.
Den schnitzel macht dich glucklich.
That's because I thought the schnitzel meant something.
But I was wrong So wrong--about you and the schnitzel.
Good morning.
Fraulein schulz has decided that we do not want To partner with your company on the transtor device.
Good-bye.
Was much promising, but not true.
Damn it, ted.
You were much promising but not true, weren't you? She wanted to use the translator device With phil's voice during sex.
I don't care if she wanted to use phil during sex.
You screwed this up because you were so sure You were smarter than the three stooges.
You're right.
And I like greta.
I don't want it to end like this.
I'm gonna go talk to her.
Greta, wait.
Can we talk? (lem's voice) human be'! (speaks klingon) Damn it.
I told them not to put klingon on this thing.
Greta (phil's voice) warten sie, greta.
Konnen wir sprechen? You have one minute.
Veronica just called.
She's about to play another game with linda and wants us To bring the super-bagels so she can cheat.
We're completely corrupted now.
We're like michael corleone at the end of "the godfather.
" Damn it, lem! Well, you should watch a movie occasionally.
Look at them.
They're so beautiful.
Usinthem for wickedness would be like Beating a unicorn to death with a bag of rainbows.
Mm-hmm.
Maybe we should take a stand.
Maybe we should say This is the one thing that must not be used for evil.
Or maybe we say that the next thing we make Mustot be used for evil, but this one we're fine with.
And maybe the next one after that, too.
But someday, they will push us too far.
And then next time after that, we-- no.
The time is now Huh.
Maybe we should discuss this for another 20 minutes, And then commit to something.
Good.
You made it.
Go inside.
I'll be in in a minute.
Lem and phil are bringing me something.
It--it has nothing to do with the game.
It's a Lucky hat.
I may decide not to wear it.
So if I come in without a hat, don't give it a second thought.
I have devastating news.
Somehow, security found out about the room.
I don't know how.
Nobody does, and nobody ever will, So just drop that.
But they don't like people screwing around on company time, So they're coming right now to lock it up.
Ugh! No! It can't end until I win.
Fine, I'll play without my Whatever the hell I said I was waiting for.
Come on.
(phil's voice) okay, ted, I will give you another chance.
Lock the door and take me, and don't be gentle.
Aber konnten wir uber unsere gefuhl nicht gerade sprechen? Nein.
No.
And none of that silly foreplay this time.
Just go for it.
(objects clatter) Ha! I've tied it up.
Your turn, meat.
You gonna blow it? Huh, meat? You gonna choke? (gags) I'm linda.
I'm choking.
I've got a big chunk of pressure lodged in my throat.
It's like a chicken bone.
Come on, chicken bone.
Chicken bone.
Chicken bone.
I'm really gonna miss this.
Oh, ted.
That feels so good.
More, more.
Don't stop.
What the hell is that? What are phil and ted doing? Oh, is that distracting? Come on, chicken bone, focus.
Don't think about ted nailing phil.
You are so good with the sex, ted.
What?! Throw the bagel, chicken bone.
Throw it! Throw it! Throw it! Yes! This is it.
(kisses) This is for the world championship (slo-mo voice) of the world.
I did it! I beat you! Ha! Yeah, whatever.
Seriously, what is up with ted and phil? I have to get that bagel.
It's going in my trophy case.
Also, I have to get a trophy case.
Wow, it's way back there.
Are you sure we're doing the right thing? I've never been so sure About being unsure of anything in my life.
Good.
Then we're on the same page.
Let's do it.
Aah! Veronica, we've made a decision.
Maybe we should ask her why she just fell through the ceiling.
No.
No small talk.
These bagels are the one thing We will not allow to be used for evil.
I won.
Congratulations.
The deal with the germans just went through.
And congratulations to you for falling through the ceiling In a metal tube and winning that game.
That's gotta feel good.
You're gonna have to speak up.
I'm temporarily af in one ear.
As you may know, I fell through the ceiling in a metal tube.
But at least I won that game, and that feels good.
Hmm.
These super-bagels are terrible.
You can totally taste the high impact carbon.
That's because they're Whenever you go past 97%, it's hard to mask the taste.
(whoosh) (whoosh) (bagels whooshing) So I was able to navigate that tricky situation with greta, So you were wrong.
I am not like the three stooges.
Ow! Ooh! Ah, a couple of wise guys, eh? (phil whimpers)