Betty White's Off Their Rockers (2012) s02e10 Episode Script
February 26, 2013
Excuse me.
Could you help me for just a moment? I'm thinking of getting a breast lift, and I want to get implants.
And I'm trying to get an opinion about whether I should go one size up or two sizes up.
Now, I need a man's opinion.
What do you think? I think one size would be just fine.
Are you a boob man? I'm more of an ass guy.
Oh, are ya? Well, good.
Yeah.
Yeah, so, you think just one size up would work? 'Cause I'm a "D.
" It would be too much, wouldn't it? Right.
I think one one would be efficient.
One would be eff good.
Wonderful.
'Cause I have a date with a hot priest.
You know what I mean? He's kind of young.
I'm so excited.
Oh, okay.
- Thanks so much for your help! - Of course.
Bless you, hon! Nailed it.
No! Ooh! Oh, hi, there, and welcome to the show.
You probably already know this, but my friend Nick Cannon is not just the host of "America's Got Talent," an actor, rapper, manager, and producer, but now he's also a father of twins.
Oh, yeah.
Let me tell you, Miss Betty, those twins are double the trouble, but they're also double the fun.
I always wished I had a twin.
Y you know what? So did I.
You know, I always wanted someone to switch places with me when I had to take a test at school that I didn't want to take.
I always wanted somebody to frame in case they ever find the body.
- Well, hello, there.
- Hi.
- How are you? - Fine.
- Would you like to sit down? - Oh, yeah.
Isn't it a lovely day out here today? Yeah.
_ Yeah.
You know, it's even lovelier since I ran into you.
Oh, my goodness.
You're one of those male escorts, aren't you? I got about $43 with me.
What'll that get me? You're kidding.
No.
I know you probably can't make deals out here in the open like this.
- So, uh - Right.
Right.
Just give me a wink just one wink for yes.
Oh, there you go.
I saw it.
Okay, thank you.
Okay, I'll tell you what.
I'm gonna go get an energy drink.
- Okay.
- 'Cause I think I'm gonna need one.
All right.
I might not be here.
I'll see if there's an ATM inside.
Honey, I'm going to rock your world.
All right.
You want me to take a picture of y'all? - Sure.
- What do I do? You just, uh and then press this button.
- Oh.
- Okay? Oh, okay.
You have to say "cheese.
" Now you have a beautiful picture of me! I think they're gonna be wonderful pictures.
Okay, you got to say "cheese.
" Cheese.
No, wait.
I want to take one with you.
Wait.
Wait.
Wait.
I want to take one with you guys.
No.
No.
Right there.
Now.
Yes! Thank you! Thank you! I've learned a lot about being with men in my 90 years.
And if there are three tips I could pass down to the younger generations, it would be, one always hold on to your man with both hands, but losen the grip a little so he can breathe.
Two if you reach a curve in the road, just lean into it, and you'll both be better off.
And three always, always, always use protection.
I'm gonna go down to that bar on the corner.
You just keep riding that bronco, okay? Hey, do me a favor.
Keep putting quarters in the machine.
She was the first person to scale Mount Everest without oxygen and then snowboard down the other side.
She is the only person to ever pitch a no-hitter and bowl a perfect 300 at the same time.
She works part time at NASA as their on-site Mars rover repair specialist.
She is the most interesting Betty in the world.
I don't like to brag.
So it's a good thing Lou will do it for me.
This sucks.
Why don't you do some tricks? Ride backwards.
Yeah, there you go.
There you go.
Yeah! That's right.
I just noticed he was riding sideways, backwards? Yeah.
He's changing it up for me.
- Oh, that's dangerous.
- Dangerous? What kind of influence are you on this young man here? This is my grandchild.
- Grandchild? - Well, I wouldn't let him fall.
I'd catch him.
Let's all go get a beer.
Come on.
Where are we gonna go get a beer at? Right down there.
There's a nice place.
Right down here? All right.
- What kind of beer is it? - It's a topless place.
_ No.
No.
Just keep riding! Ooh.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Do you think it's gonna rain today? I'm kind of worried.
Well, I heard that it's going to.
- Oh, lord.
- I know.
Want a doughnut? - Oh, sure.
- Oh, great.
Wonderful.
Thanks.
- Oh, my gosh.
You know, I have a little confession to make.
- Mm-hmm.
- Every day, I tell my husband I'm going to the gym.
- Yeah? - But I don't go to the gym.
- Mm-hmm.
- You know, I come down here.
- Really? Yeah.
And I buy a bag of doughnuts.
And I eat 'em.
Yeah.
You know, that felt so good just saying that, you know? Yeah.
You got to do what you got to do.
- I know.
Confession's good for the soul, right? - Yeah.
Listen, I've got one other.
I've been embezzling money from my company.
- Oh, no.
- Yeah, for 25 years, I know.
And every day, now, I say I'm gonna pay it back.
- Yeah.
But you know what? Male escorts aren't cheap.
You know what I mean? Have a good day.
Hi.
What would you like today? How about popcorn? Medium? Okay.
There you go.
What else? Sure.
Coming up.
I'm sorry? Your teeth.
Oh, my God! That's my other set of teeth.
I've been looking everywhere for them.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
I'm so sorry.
I'll get you a coupon for a drink next time.
I'll be right back.
That's awful.
_ Heavy stuff! Heavy stuff! Get out of my way! Can you just do me a favor? See, you press this for it to start, and then press it for it to start.
We're just gonna go around.
And will you just time us? - We're trying to break the record.
- Yeah.
We had a record.
We're trying to break the record.
- Okay.
- You ready? - Tell us when to go.
- All right? Marks, get set, go.
Oh! Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! Wait.
Wait.
One more lap! One more lap! It's two times! Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! Whoa! Ah.
Ah.
Oh.
What did we do? What did we do? It stopped at 40:45.
Oh.
We've done it before.
- I got to find somebody else.
- Now we got to get someone else.
Come on.
Come on, please.
Excuse me, hon? Could you help me for just a second? I'm trying to find something in my bag, and I can't.
- Sure.
- Yeah.
Here.
Could you just hold that for me? I'm trying to dig through for a receipt.
Have you been here? - Where you going? - Yeah.
- I'm trying to find a store.
- Oh.
There you are! For heaven's sakes.
And you've got another boyfriend?! What is going on here? - Oh, no.
- Another boyfriend! I can't leave you alone for a minute.
Dottie, don't do this.
You're just jealous because I attract younger men.
I don't know why you start like this.
I can't help it.
I can't help it.
So, what are your intentions? Well, I nothing.
Nothing but the best intentions.
No, Dottie, please.
You know, you are a sweetheart.
- We so appreciate you.
- I try to be.
- Thank you.
- Now come along.
- Best of luck, ladies.
- Bye, hon.
I'll call you.
Bye-bye, sweet cheeks.
Well, he was nice.
But, I mean, come on.
Hi, there.
Nick and I were just in the middle of a very important argument.
You're wrong, Nick.
No, I am not.
Jay-Z put on Frank Ocean.
That whole "No church in the wild" track, that was Jay! I'm telling you, it was Kanye! B.
W.
, where are you getting your information, Tiger Beat? Look, H.
O.
V.
A.
is the one who made Rihanna a star, and he's in the know of all the up-and-comers.
- Oh, really? - Yeah.
Uh, Jay? It's Betty.
Was it you or Yeezy who recruited Frank for the "No church in the wild" track? Uh, Kanye, right? That's what I thought.
Oh.
Oh, just hanging out with a misinformed homey.
All right.
Holla! Mnh.
Told ya.
Excuse me.
There's no restroom around here.
Would you be my lookout for just a minute while I go - Oh, use the bathroom? - Yes.
- Sure.
- Thank you.
Hold that.
Thank you.
- Oh.
- Thank you.
Thank you.
I'll be right back.
Ooh! - _ - _ _ _ Ooh! I'll be I'll be right there.
Oh, keep it.
It's a present.
Oh, thank you.
_ No! You were so kind.
Ooh! - _ - _ Excuse me.
Just just a little help.
You're familiar with this Internet dating? - Kind of, yeah.
- All that, you know? Do you have a screen name? Yeah, I've done online dating.
So, I'm thinking if I got a name like "Size matters" What do you think? That can be a little scary.
- A little scary, huh? - Yeah.
"Black mamba of love.
" Funny will get you further than sexy, probably.
Funny will get you further than sexy? Okay, if you want funny, how about "Third leg"? That's pretty good.
Have a great day.
Come on, Junior.
You all right back there, baby? Let's go faster.
Faster for you.
Come on, Junior.
Let's go.
Yahoo! Baby Jean really loves the wind.
You know, sweetheart, I have to go.
I have got to Oh, I'm sorry.
- Do you want to sit down? - No, no.
You mustn't move.
He doesn't walk or talk, - so he won't bother you, I promise you.
- Okay.
- And I'll be back in just a minute, ok? - Okay.
Thank you so much.
Is she gone? - Yes.
- There's nothing wrong with me.
I've been faking this for three weeks.
It's the greatest thing.
Don't give it away when she comes back, you know? Just play this out as much as I can.
Oh, gee.
There you are, sweetheart.
I told you I'd bring you a surprise.
Now, I can help you drink it.
Okay, darling? You are so darling, sweetheart.
Remember there was a band down there.
- Thank you! - You're welcome.
Aaah! Aiiieeeyah! I know I don't have to snout anymore, but this way is more fun.
Come on, Betty! We got a seat for you right here! Let's go! - Let's have a good time! - It's time to go! We're waiting! Shh, shh, shh! I'll be right down.
I'm fine.
You need a cart, sir? Need a cart? There we go.
How about a mint? Would you like a mint? - Oh, no thanks.
- Okay.
Thank you.
A little something for the effort? A little gratuity, perhaps.
A little Something extra? I don't have not much.
- A dollar, huh? - Yeah.
It's tough being a valet, I'll tell you.
There we go.
Okay.
How about a little gratuity? No? I'll be here.
Oh, let me let me help you with that, sir.
How about how about a little a little tip, a little something.
Ohh.
_ Can I assist you with a cart? Just a dollar? No.
Ohh.
Ah.
Excuse me.
Is this the main lobby of the train station? Yes, it is.
Oh.
I haven't been here in years.
It's just so extraordinary.
Isn't it? I mean, just the history.
The history, I mean, I just love sitting here and looking at the ceiling.
_ Oh.
Great.
Oh.
Excuse me.
Hey.
Oh, sorry it took me so long.
I was just chatting with this guy.
He's hitting on me hard.
I don't know.
He keeps undressing me with his eyes.
I know, I know.
I don't know what he's thinking.
He's so not my standard, you know? Oh, yeah.
Yeah, I like them big and beefy.
Well.
Well, I've bagged better tush than this.
Out front? Yeah.
Okay.
Well, you gave it your best shot.
Better luck next time.
Hi, there.
Hi.
Can I help you? Is it okay if we leave our bags here? That's a good question.
"Ask again later.
" Oh! Sir? Sir? Excuse me.
Do you know where the art department is? I I'm modeling for the drawing class in the nude, and I'm really late.
Do you know where it could be? No idea.
You have no idea.
Well, they told me it was around someplace.
You know, it's gonna take them a long time to kind of get this body all painted.
I got to I got to go.
I'm sorry you don't know.
I'm sorry.
Thank you very much.
Thank you an awful lot.
_ _ Chelsea Miller writes, "Dear, Betty, I'm concerned about global warming.
Do you have any helpful tips for going green?" Well, I've taken some steps to reduce my energy use.
I replaced my light bulbs.
I put solar panels on my roof.
And lastly For crying out loud, Richard, keep pedaling! Sorry, Betty.
I feel if we all work together, we can solve anything.
Could you help me for just a moment? I'm thinking of getting a breast lift, and I want to get implants.
And I'm trying to get an opinion about whether I should go one size up or two sizes up.
Now, I need a man's opinion.
What do you think? I think one size would be just fine.
Are you a boob man? I'm more of an ass guy.
Oh, are ya? Well, good.
Yeah.
Yeah, so, you think just one size up would work? 'Cause I'm a "D.
" It would be too much, wouldn't it? Right.
I think one one would be efficient.
One would be eff good.
Wonderful.
'Cause I have a date with a hot priest.
You know what I mean? He's kind of young.
I'm so excited.
Oh, okay.
- Thanks so much for your help! - Of course.
Bless you, hon! Nailed it.
No! Ooh! Oh, hi, there, and welcome to the show.
You probably already know this, but my friend Nick Cannon is not just the host of "America's Got Talent," an actor, rapper, manager, and producer, but now he's also a father of twins.
Oh, yeah.
Let me tell you, Miss Betty, those twins are double the trouble, but they're also double the fun.
I always wished I had a twin.
Y you know what? So did I.
You know, I always wanted someone to switch places with me when I had to take a test at school that I didn't want to take.
I always wanted somebody to frame in case they ever find the body.
- Well, hello, there.
- Hi.
- How are you? - Fine.
- Would you like to sit down? - Oh, yeah.
Isn't it a lovely day out here today? Yeah.
_ Yeah.
You know, it's even lovelier since I ran into you.
Oh, my goodness.
You're one of those male escorts, aren't you? I got about $43 with me.
What'll that get me? You're kidding.
No.
I know you probably can't make deals out here in the open like this.
- So, uh - Right.
Right.
Just give me a wink just one wink for yes.
Oh, there you go.
I saw it.
Okay, thank you.
Okay, I'll tell you what.
I'm gonna go get an energy drink.
- Okay.
- 'Cause I think I'm gonna need one.
All right.
I might not be here.
I'll see if there's an ATM inside.
Honey, I'm going to rock your world.
All right.
You want me to take a picture of y'all? - Sure.
- What do I do? You just, uh and then press this button.
- Oh.
- Okay? Oh, okay.
You have to say "cheese.
" Now you have a beautiful picture of me! I think they're gonna be wonderful pictures.
Okay, you got to say "cheese.
" Cheese.
No, wait.
I want to take one with you.
Wait.
Wait.
Wait.
I want to take one with you guys.
No.
No.
Right there.
Now.
Yes! Thank you! Thank you! I've learned a lot about being with men in my 90 years.
And if there are three tips I could pass down to the younger generations, it would be, one always hold on to your man with both hands, but losen the grip a little so he can breathe.
Two if you reach a curve in the road, just lean into it, and you'll both be better off.
And three always, always, always use protection.
I'm gonna go down to that bar on the corner.
You just keep riding that bronco, okay? Hey, do me a favor.
Keep putting quarters in the machine.
She was the first person to scale Mount Everest without oxygen and then snowboard down the other side.
She is the only person to ever pitch a no-hitter and bowl a perfect 300 at the same time.
She works part time at NASA as their on-site Mars rover repair specialist.
She is the most interesting Betty in the world.
I don't like to brag.
So it's a good thing Lou will do it for me.
This sucks.
Why don't you do some tricks? Ride backwards.
Yeah, there you go.
There you go.
Yeah! That's right.
I just noticed he was riding sideways, backwards? Yeah.
He's changing it up for me.
- Oh, that's dangerous.
- Dangerous? What kind of influence are you on this young man here? This is my grandchild.
- Grandchild? - Well, I wouldn't let him fall.
I'd catch him.
Let's all go get a beer.
Come on.
Where are we gonna go get a beer at? Right down there.
There's a nice place.
Right down here? All right.
- What kind of beer is it? - It's a topless place.
_ No.
No.
Just keep riding! Ooh.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Do you think it's gonna rain today? I'm kind of worried.
Well, I heard that it's going to.
- Oh, lord.
- I know.
Want a doughnut? - Oh, sure.
- Oh, great.
Wonderful.
Thanks.
- Oh, my gosh.
You know, I have a little confession to make.
- Mm-hmm.
- Every day, I tell my husband I'm going to the gym.
- Yeah? - But I don't go to the gym.
- Mm-hmm.
- You know, I come down here.
- Really? Yeah.
And I buy a bag of doughnuts.
And I eat 'em.
Yeah.
You know, that felt so good just saying that, you know? Yeah.
You got to do what you got to do.
- I know.
Confession's good for the soul, right? - Yeah.
Listen, I've got one other.
I've been embezzling money from my company.
- Oh, no.
- Yeah, for 25 years, I know.
And every day, now, I say I'm gonna pay it back.
- Yeah.
But you know what? Male escorts aren't cheap.
You know what I mean? Have a good day.
Hi.
What would you like today? How about popcorn? Medium? Okay.
There you go.
What else? Sure.
Coming up.
I'm sorry? Your teeth.
Oh, my God! That's my other set of teeth.
I've been looking everywhere for them.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
I'm so sorry.
I'll get you a coupon for a drink next time.
I'll be right back.
That's awful.
_ Heavy stuff! Heavy stuff! Get out of my way! Can you just do me a favor? See, you press this for it to start, and then press it for it to start.
We're just gonna go around.
And will you just time us? - We're trying to break the record.
- Yeah.
We had a record.
We're trying to break the record.
- Okay.
- You ready? - Tell us when to go.
- All right? Marks, get set, go.
Oh! Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! Wait.
Wait.
One more lap! One more lap! It's two times! Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! Whoa! Ah.
Ah.
Oh.
What did we do? What did we do? It stopped at 40:45.
Oh.
We've done it before.
- I got to find somebody else.
- Now we got to get someone else.
Come on.
Come on, please.
Excuse me, hon? Could you help me for just a second? I'm trying to find something in my bag, and I can't.
- Sure.
- Yeah.
Here.
Could you just hold that for me? I'm trying to dig through for a receipt.
Have you been here? - Where you going? - Yeah.
- I'm trying to find a store.
- Oh.
There you are! For heaven's sakes.
And you've got another boyfriend?! What is going on here? - Oh, no.
- Another boyfriend! I can't leave you alone for a minute.
Dottie, don't do this.
You're just jealous because I attract younger men.
I don't know why you start like this.
I can't help it.
I can't help it.
So, what are your intentions? Well, I nothing.
Nothing but the best intentions.
No, Dottie, please.
You know, you are a sweetheart.
- We so appreciate you.
- I try to be.
- Thank you.
- Now come along.
- Best of luck, ladies.
- Bye, hon.
I'll call you.
Bye-bye, sweet cheeks.
Well, he was nice.
But, I mean, come on.
Hi, there.
Nick and I were just in the middle of a very important argument.
You're wrong, Nick.
No, I am not.
Jay-Z put on Frank Ocean.
That whole "No church in the wild" track, that was Jay! I'm telling you, it was Kanye! B.
W.
, where are you getting your information, Tiger Beat? Look, H.
O.
V.
A.
is the one who made Rihanna a star, and he's in the know of all the up-and-comers.
- Oh, really? - Yeah.
Uh, Jay? It's Betty.
Was it you or Yeezy who recruited Frank for the "No church in the wild" track? Uh, Kanye, right? That's what I thought.
Oh.
Oh, just hanging out with a misinformed homey.
All right.
Holla! Mnh.
Told ya.
Excuse me.
There's no restroom around here.
Would you be my lookout for just a minute while I go - Oh, use the bathroom? - Yes.
- Sure.
- Thank you.
Hold that.
Thank you.
- Oh.
- Thank you.
Thank you.
I'll be right back.
Ooh! - _ - _ _ _ Ooh! I'll be I'll be right there.
Oh, keep it.
It's a present.
Oh, thank you.
_ No! You were so kind.
Ooh! - _ - _ Excuse me.
Just just a little help.
You're familiar with this Internet dating? - Kind of, yeah.
- All that, you know? Do you have a screen name? Yeah, I've done online dating.
So, I'm thinking if I got a name like "Size matters" What do you think? That can be a little scary.
- A little scary, huh? - Yeah.
"Black mamba of love.
" Funny will get you further than sexy, probably.
Funny will get you further than sexy? Okay, if you want funny, how about "Third leg"? That's pretty good.
Have a great day.
Come on, Junior.
You all right back there, baby? Let's go faster.
Faster for you.
Come on, Junior.
Let's go.
Yahoo! Baby Jean really loves the wind.
You know, sweetheart, I have to go.
I have got to Oh, I'm sorry.
- Do you want to sit down? - No, no.
You mustn't move.
He doesn't walk or talk, - so he won't bother you, I promise you.
- Okay.
- And I'll be back in just a minute, ok? - Okay.
Thank you so much.
Is she gone? - Yes.
- There's nothing wrong with me.
I've been faking this for three weeks.
It's the greatest thing.
Don't give it away when she comes back, you know? Just play this out as much as I can.
Oh, gee.
There you are, sweetheart.
I told you I'd bring you a surprise.
Now, I can help you drink it.
Okay, darling? You are so darling, sweetheart.
Remember there was a band down there.
- Thank you! - You're welcome.
Aaah! Aiiieeeyah! I know I don't have to snout anymore, but this way is more fun.
Come on, Betty! We got a seat for you right here! Let's go! - Let's have a good time! - It's time to go! We're waiting! Shh, shh, shh! I'll be right down.
I'm fine.
You need a cart, sir? Need a cart? There we go.
How about a mint? Would you like a mint? - Oh, no thanks.
- Okay.
Thank you.
A little something for the effort? A little gratuity, perhaps.
A little Something extra? I don't have not much.
- A dollar, huh? - Yeah.
It's tough being a valet, I'll tell you.
There we go.
Okay.
How about a little gratuity? No? I'll be here.
Oh, let me let me help you with that, sir.
How about how about a little a little tip, a little something.
Ohh.
_ Can I assist you with a cart? Just a dollar? No.
Ohh.
Ah.
Excuse me.
Is this the main lobby of the train station? Yes, it is.
Oh.
I haven't been here in years.
It's just so extraordinary.
Isn't it? I mean, just the history.
The history, I mean, I just love sitting here and looking at the ceiling.
_ Oh.
Great.
Oh.
Excuse me.
Hey.
Oh, sorry it took me so long.
I was just chatting with this guy.
He's hitting on me hard.
I don't know.
He keeps undressing me with his eyes.
I know, I know.
I don't know what he's thinking.
He's so not my standard, you know? Oh, yeah.
Yeah, I like them big and beefy.
Well.
Well, I've bagged better tush than this.
Out front? Yeah.
Okay.
Well, you gave it your best shot.
Better luck next time.
Hi, there.
Hi.
Can I help you? Is it okay if we leave our bags here? That's a good question.
"Ask again later.
" Oh! Sir? Sir? Excuse me.
Do you know where the art department is? I I'm modeling for the drawing class in the nude, and I'm really late.
Do you know where it could be? No idea.
You have no idea.
Well, they told me it was around someplace.
You know, it's gonna take them a long time to kind of get this body all painted.
I got to I got to go.
I'm sorry you don't know.
I'm sorry.
Thank you very much.
Thank you an awful lot.
_ _ Chelsea Miller writes, "Dear, Betty, I'm concerned about global warming.
Do you have any helpful tips for going green?" Well, I've taken some steps to reduce my energy use.
I replaced my light bulbs.
I put solar panels on my roof.
And lastly For crying out loud, Richard, keep pedaling! Sorry, Betty.
I feel if we all work together, we can solve anything.