Black Jesus (2014) s02e10 Episode Script

1 I know you've missed me.
Mm, baby, you know my whole life has been absolutely terrible since we broke up.
- (cell phone rings) - Mm.
I got to take this.
- Okay, I'll be right back? - Mmm.
What'd you hear? The DA said what?! No.
No, I want them charged.
I've given this guy and his idiot friend way too many chances.
They're going to jail this time.
Come-come on.
Weed, a gun, delinquent child support and a parole violation? It's a crew of idiots.
Yeah.
(sighs) Mmm, are you ready for me? (moans) I'm about to rock your What? What is it, baby? Um, you know I want this to work, right? But what? And you you know I love you, right? (sighs) What is it, Jason? I just don't I don't think it's gonna work.
I mean, as-as long as you're a cop.
Sorry.
You are actually breaking up with me? Before we even got back together?! You no-good, jobless, bald-headed, brainwashed bitch! Damn.
(music playing on radio) Bernadette.
What? Turn the radio off.
(music stops) I don't care how long it takes.
We're gonna hide until she gets the (bleep) out of here.
- BERNADETTE: You think they're in there? - JESUS: Oh, I Oh, yeah.
They're definitely in there.
Lloyd! Jesus! I wish he'd go away for another 2,000 years.
Me and you gotta stick together.
We can't let this bitch come between us.
That's what I'm talking about.
Stick together.
- We got to show a united front.
- A united front! - Where you know Lloyd's janky ass from? - Oh, he's my husband.
Oh, I'm I apologize.
Did I say "janky"? I didn't Oh, that's okay.
That's okay.
Ex-husband.
We're trying to work it out, you know? Oh.
Oh, okay.
- Oh, y'all gettin' it back together, huh? - (chuckles) Yeah.
- Oh, I love love.
You know, I'm all for love.
- (laughs) - I'm, like, the ambassador of love.
- Oh, okay.
Lloyd, come on out here and get this love, boy! (chuckling): Hey.
Guys, hey, there you go.
Hey, guys, look, this is Lloyd's lovely lawfully wedded wife, man.
How about that? Did you know Lloyd was married, Vic? We know who she is.
Hey, Vic, you smell great, man.
Is that is that English Leather? You like starting trouble, don't you, nigga? Huh? Get out of here! LLOYD: A divorce? Well, we haven't been living as husband and wife in over a decade.
We might as well make it official.
I can't believe it.
Thank you, Bernadette! Aw, you're so sweet.
(laughs) Oh, okay.
Okay.
- You don't have to be that happy about it.
- Yeah.
Congratulations.
Let's celebrate.
Hit the Darby! I'm so proud of you, Fish.
After five long years, seconds away from freedom.
- Mm.
- Yeah, it's a big day right here.
All right, y'all, it's the last one, homies.
Five years to the day.
I've been good, though.
- I've been damn good.
- Yeah, relatively.
(chuckles) Thank you, Father.
"Have you been arrested in the last month?" Nope.
Miss me with that.
Swerve.
"Have you moved since your last probation meeting?" Nope.
Same crib.
Holla at your boy.
All right.
"Please wait.
" I can wait.
Ain't in no rush.
"Please take your ticket.
" All right, where my ticket? BOONIE: Yo, what's wrong, man? Let me see it.
"Please see attendant.
" Yeah, what does that mean? - They gonna piss me.
- BOONIE: Oh, shit.
They did the same thing to my cousin Manny.
Hit him with a last-day piss test.
What happened? He had herb in his system.
He violated his parole.
He had to serve his original sentence.
Four years.
Damn, he had to do four years for smoking a (bleep) joint? Calm down, calm down.
This ain't even a case, you know? - Just relax, just relax.
- So you gonna holla at Pops? - He can handle this for me? - No, see, 'cause-'cause Pops, see, you know, he kind of do his own thing Nigga, all my goddamn food you eat, and you can't holla at your pops to handle this? Fish, you know damn well how Pops get down, man.
His powers is infinite, but mine? Mine are limited, dawg.
I-I can only do what I can do.
Let me see it, man.
It say, "Please see attendant in the next 48 hours.
" Look, I went through this with Manny, man.
I know how to beat the test.
I know the science behind this.
I'm-a show you how to beat the game, baby.
Nigga, you can't even spell "science.
" Move, man.
So, he does that every night? Every night.
Well, come on.
Let's let him sleep.
Let him sleep.
Hey, come on, now.
- We can't do this.
- We can.
No, we can't.
It's adultery.
God knows Lloyd and I are through.
Look, we're talking paperwork, lawyers.
Me and Lloyd are still friends.
What you think he's gonna think about all this? He would be happy for us.
Lloyd doesn't want me anymore.
Come on now, baby.
You don't have to feel guilty at all.
Mmm.
Not at all.
(chuckles) (Vic chuckles) - (snoring) - VIC: Lord have mercy.
(Bernadette chuckles) (birds chirping) (sniffs) (grunts) (groans) Did it again.
Oh, man.
No, no.
JASON: Man, all I know is, all I kept hearing her talk about was locking people up.
And the sad part is, they sound just like us.
Man, that's just scary to me, man.
I don't know, bro.
Boonie, I know you better be right about this shit, man.
All this damn water I'm drinkin' You guys, none of this shit actually works.
You cannot pass a piss test in 48 hours.
I could if I had I don't know Jesus on my side.
Just sayin', bro.
Brah, me and Pops both on your side, brother.
I just know he wants you to face his music, man.
God knows I don't deserve to go to jail, man.
Especially for smoking no damn weed.
All the weed his son smoked.
Put my goddamn potato salad down.
Nigga, you didn't put in on that.
BOONIE: Hey, Fish, don't get in no serious relationship in jail, man.
They might get out before you.
You be heartbroke.
Boy, oh, what a long night.
Oh.
Have you seen Bernadette? I think she's in the bathroom.
Oh, man.
Let me tell you something, boy.
That Bernadette, that woman know how to party.
(whoops) Sure do.
I don't remember a thing about last night.
I do.
Sex.
Look at here.
Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! (laughs) Sex? I ain't have sex last night.
Not you.
Me! - You? - Yeah.
And who you have sex with? (laughing) Bernadette.
Bernadette.
(laughing): Oh.
There must be some mistake.
I mean, you was over here, she was over there, you know? - No way.
- Now I was passed out.
She wakes me up, on top of me, kissing me all over my face.
Then she started unbuttoning her blouse.
And pull out them tig old bitties.
Ooh! I did the old Lil Wayne move.
Put your foot up on the bathtub.
You'll be shaking like this.
I did it three or four times like that.
Eh! Eh! Eh! Eh! Eh! I don't want to hear no more of this shit, man.
I even used some of your dick pills.
That's enough! I'll pay you back.
Vic, where are you going? Bernadette! Bitch! Vic, have you lost your mind?! Who the hell you calling a bitch?! (quietly): Yeah.
LLOYD: Yeah, Vic.
I was calling Lloyd a bitch.
I got to pee real bad.
Don't forget.
- (Vic groaning) - Lawyer meeting at 2:00.
I'll be there.
(Vic groans loudly) Vic, you okay in there? - Vic?! - (loud groaning) I'm gonna make you a bowl of Pepto-Bismol and Darby.
Goddamn it! (rolling thunder) What's happening, Vic? Hey, I didn't mean to startle you, dawg.
I was just looking for the boy Fish, man.
- You seen him? - Hell no, I ain't seen Fish, man.
He's probably taking a bath with some Oil of Olay or some shit.
- (laughs) - (bleep) Fish, man.
Wait a minute.
Let me look at you.
Damn, Vic, you look stressed as (bleep), man.
You been getting enough sleep, brah? Nigga, I've been getting plenty of sleep.
It's not me, okay? It's Friend of mine's going through something.
Yeah, man, friends can put a lot on you, man.
That's Hey, man, get your hands off me, man! Friend made a big mistake.
Keeps on making the same mistake over and over.
Yeah.
You know, Vic, it ain't none of my business not at all, none of my business but if I was you, I'd tell that friend to take responsibility and remove himself from that situation that's causing him that temptation.
He tried to take responsibility, but no matter what he does, the problem just keeps getting worse and worse.
I know you'll do the right thing, pimp.
Hey, I'm not talking about me, okay? I'm talking about my friend, not me.
And in the future, keep your hands off me.
I be wearing tailor-made suits homie.
And your tailor is definitely not your friend, brah.
Vic, what's wrong? Why you been acting so strange? And why are we meeting in a parking lot? Maybe 'cause you had sex with me and Lloyd in the same night.
I never knew you'd be mad about that.
You never knew I would be mad about that? - No.
- Who wouldn't be mad about that? Vic, he's my husband.
I can't make love to you and not him.
That's disrespectful.
- Disrespectful? - Yeah.
What about adultery? What about going to hell? Vic, nobody really believes in hell.
I believe in hell.
And that's where we're both gonna go if we don't straighten this out fast.
Look, as soon as you get a divorce from Lloyd, I want you to marry me.
Oh, my God! Vic! You want me to marry you, Vic? Not exactly right now.
I mean, you know, I'm still kind of grossed out over what happened with you and Lloyd.
- Yes! Yes, yes, yes! - Yeah? - Oh, you Yes.
- Yeah, yeah.
You like that ring, huh? - I love this ring! Are you kidding me? - And I also heard you like getting freaky in cars.
Okay.
Come on, baby.
(indistinct chatter and laughter) Jason, I want to talk to you! Jason?! Hey! - Hi, Dianne! - Oh, Jesus! Where is he? - Huh? Jason, are you in there?! - Jay's not here right now, but I can tell you got trouble on your mind.
Share with your boy.
Come on.
That asshole told me he couldn't be with me because I'm a cop.
He lives in a truck with a vagrant, and he's too good for me?! What kind of shit is that? I think what Jason trying to say is, he afraid of you, girl.
He don't believe you gonna accept his homeboy.
- You see, me, Boonie, Fish - Uh-uh.
Jason think you gonna take us away.
Hey, but, look, though, in all the time you known Jay, have you ever once came and hung out with his homies and then did the type of stuff he liked? Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh! Have you ever did the type of stuff he like to do? One time? 'Cause I know he asked.
That's because all you guys do is get high, and I'm a cop, genius.
You ain't got to smoke.
Obama don't smoke with Michelle.
He do his thug things with his homies.
He just do his thing.
(door opening) - (sighs) - (indistinct voices on TV) (sighs) (dramatic music plays on TV) Hey, where you get this ring from? Oh, yeah, I've been meaning to tell you, Vic.
I know it's crazy, but Bernadette and I are about to get remarried.
- What?! - Yeah.
We want to renew our vows.
She bought me this beautiful ring.
But, you know, whatever happens, Vic, you and I are still cool.
- (groans) - Vic, what's wrong? What's wrong, Vic? Why is she trying to ruin my life? Who is trying to ruin your life? The Skipper is tough on Gilligan.
Come on! That's just mean! Oh! (knocking) Man, this dude is scared as (bleep), man.
He's shaking like a hooker in church.
Hey, why the hell is you knocking like the police, man? So, that's it, Fish? You just fitting to go AWOL, huh? Man, like I told you before, I ain't going back to jail for nobody, not even Pops.
JESUS: Look, Fish, this is a test, man.
This is a simple test of faith, and you're failing it right now.
I ain't trying to hear that right now, Jee.
If you got to check in, you got to check in, man.
Go on and face the music, man.
And if it's your last night of freedom on the streets, it is what it is, man.
Well, Pops got you.
But you might as well go ahead and function with the homies, the folks that love you.
You feel me? Come on, man.
Give me some, man.
You Man, get that stinking-ass Ebola blanket off of me, man.
Oh.
It's like that? Jason, pass me my Destiny's Child CD.
Oh, so you don't want this, uh stinking-ass blunt out this stinking-ass Ebola jacket, huh? Come on, man, stay for Lloyd's party.
It's about to be turnt up, homie.
- Let's turn up! - Man, y'all are stupid.
Give me the blunt, man.
Let me hear you sing! Let me hear you sing! DIANNE: Excuse me, excuse me.
Excuse me.
Hey.
It's Trayvon, right? - Yeah, that's me.
- Maggie? - Yeah.
You're Dianne, right? - Yeah, yeah.
Boonie.
Hey, I got a receipt for all this shit.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
I'm off duty tonight.
Oh, hey, what's up, baby girl? (laughs) Gotta (bleep) good.
Oh, maybe later, maybe later.
Um, where's Jason? I think he went to go try and save Fish or something.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
Oh, hey.
You want a drink? Oh, man, I'm kind of a lightweight.
- Come on.
- (laughs) Well, maybe one.
Maybe one.
- Just - Let's do it.
- Yeah.
Cheers.
- Yeah.
Cheers.
- Sorry, man.
- Cool.
It's okay.
- (laughs): Wow, slow down.
- (laughs) Bring it down now! Vic! I've been trying to call you.
What's wrong? You gave that nigga my ring.
Oh, Vic.
Come here.
I love you, Bernadette.
Time to celebrate Yeah! Time to celebrate - Dianne! - Hey! Hey.
Where's your drink? (laughs): Oh-ho-ho, no, not the Darby, no.
Come on, Dianne.
It's my wedding.
Come on.
- Have a little taste.
- Okay, okay.
- For Uncle Lloyd.
- Just a little bit.
Okay.
- Mm-hmm.
- No, no.
Second drink is easier.
Come on.
Let me show you how to do it, baby.
- There you go.
Uh-huh.
- Mm, mmm - Uh-huh.
- (laughs) Shake 'em, shake 'em Shake 'em, shake 'em Shake 'em, a-ass and titties Shake Ass and titties Shake Ass and titties Shake Ass and titties Shake Ass and titties Shake Ass and titties Shake Ass and titties Shake Ass and titties Shake Ass and titties Shake 'em, shake 'em Shake 'em, shake 'em, shake 'em A-A-Ass.
The man makes the music Well, if this is my last night of freedom, - we might as well do it big, right? - Hell yeah.
Yo.
Did you see Dianne? - Wait, is she here? - Uh Yo, she's wasted! Spend a little cash for a random piece of ass Bartender, I ain't trying to see the bottom of my glass Oh.
Hey, hey, hey, Jason, our bitch off the chain, boy! (laughs) Jason! Oh - Oh - Baby, what the baby! Mmm Oh, shh.
First of all, baby, first of all Aw, shit! I can't hear myself think! - JASON: Oh, shit.
- (woman screams) MAN: Oh, shit! She's trigger-happy! - Jason, get her, man! - Oh, hey, hey, hey! Hey, no worries! This isn't my service weapon.
No one will even know that happened.
As long as none - of you mother(bleep) snitch! - It's okay, it's okay.
- DIANNE: Huh? - WOMAN: Is everybody okay? Why are you so surprised, Jason, huh? (laughing): Isn't this what y'all do? Get drunk and high and tear shit up and get away with it over and over again? Baby, listen, listen.
Sit down, sit down.
You're not gonna remember none of this shit - in the morning.
- I don't want to live in the food truck, Jason.
Please don't make me live in the food truck.
You and and-and Boonie and Fish? I don't know if y'all are in a cult or just this (bleep) stupid on your own.
But y'all got to get your shit together and and get yourself some jobs.
Huh? Hey.
You take care of her, Jason.
You got yourself a good woman who will tell your dawg ass the truth.
She a beautiful girl, man.
- (retches, coughs) - Oh, wow.
- Come on, girl, come on.
- (kiss) All right, be safe on the way home, dawg.
JASON: Mm-hmm.
- (woman moaning) - MAN: Ah, yeah.
Open your legs wide.
Open your legs.
Open your legs.
- Excuse me, miss.
- (grunts) - Have you given consent for that sexual activity? - (woman screaming) Hey, that's you, con man? Turn that goddamn flashlight off, man.
(groans) Man, Vic, is this what you call taking responsibility? - With your drawers down? - Hey, man, I was trying to do the right thing, man I proposed marriage.
But she gave the ring to Lloyd.
Lloyd and Bernadette are insane.
Completely insane, brah.
You do not want to get yourself caught up in they nasty little love triangle.
Bernadette, I know you're a modern-day, sexually positive woman that like to get her freak on from time to time, but you're being selfish! Can't you see what you're doing to Vic and Lloyd's relationship? And who are you again? (exhales) BERNADETTE: Hey, Lloyd.
I have something to tell you.
LLOYD: Hey, uh, I'm in a hurry.
I got to go take a piss.
How y'all doing? Well, I was just thinking, uh, maybe we should just go along with that divorce anyway.
Yeah.
We can do that.
Okay.
I got to take a piss.
BERNADETTE: Thank you, Lloyd.
Your ass is going to hell.
- But I ain't.
- CHOIR: A Men Aw, don't even trip.
Come on, Fish, I'm proud of you, brah.
I mean, go on and piss in this cup, man.
'Cause even though you didn't get potty-trained till you was five years old, I know you can do it.
You're an excellent piss Man, shut up, Jesus! Man, just go on and piss in the cup, Fish.
God got you, brah.
Go on now.
(sighs) (quiet chuckle) Say, man, if you got something to say, just say it.
You failed the urine test.
You, uh actually tested positive for THC, and I'm talking about extremely high amount.
But that's not the reason why I asked you to check in anyways the reason why I asked you to check in is to let you know that you're no longer on parole.
What the hell you mean I'm no longer on parole? I mean you're no longer on parole.
Man, look I got the paperwork right here.
Bam.
It says right there five years.
- I know damn well I'm on parole.
- Oh, no, no, see, back up, man.
I know you can't read or write or nothing, but no, it says a "maximum" of five years.
It's right there in big, black, bold letters.
But, uh, no, you're good.
I mean, you seem upset about something that I'd be happy about.
So you mean to tell me I've been coming here for three extra years and ain't nobody told me shit? This paperwork was filled out incorrectly.
Therefore we couldn't find you, and because we can't find you or track you down, we weren't able to tell you that you are no longer on parole, my man.
We could, uh, put you back on parole if you want.
I mean, it's not a problem at all.
You did test positive for THC.
I can make that happen again right now.
It'd be good to see you.
I care about you, man, so You knew, didn't you? I swear, man, I didn't know nothing.
Man, it's crazy this whole time - I've been good for nothing.
- Well, you know, Pops got his reasons for doing shit the way he do.
The point is, man, he kept your ass out of trouble.
You feel me? - Yeah, for real.
- And Dianne right, man it's time to grow up, Fish.
You, too? (chuckling) You know it! Hey, you want to go get some ice cream? Hell yeah.
We got to get this mirror glued on, dawg.
They didn't have ice cream in Bethlehem, dawg, man.
We didn't even have ice.