Broad City (2014) s02e10 Episode Script

(Ilana) Ab, $12.
99 is such a splurge for wine.
You're spoiling me.
(Abbi) don't, it's your birthday, dude.
You deserve a bottle, not a box.
I made a reservation and everything and I cannot wait for you to open up this b-day gift.
Oh, I'm dying.
It's so good.
I don't know.
though, you know, like No.
allowed to be an alcoholic.
- 20, you lose your virginity.
- Right.
- See? - I guess.
mean, it's the year I met you.
Really? (Both screaming) Oh, my god.
Oh, my - Tree man.
- Oh, my damn god.
Every time he gets me, every time.
He needs a little bell.
Or like, a personal triangle he's playing all the time.
He could cause a heart attack.
For real, though, this wine, this like, pricey, high-class wine is setting up your entire year.
If we weren't going to this BYOB, I mean, this would be like, 30 bucks.
I know, I love a "BYOB".
I love a "BYOF" bring your own food, or a "BYOS" bring your own silverware.
I'd wash the dishes if they'd let me.
This is the exact opposite reason why restaurants exist at all.
I mean, why not just eat at home? I don't have a table.
(Man) You girls are so pretty.
You should smile.
Four and three and two and one-one (Ilana) So, I've been spending all morning writing out my will.
My dad said it's never too early, and I agree.
Ilana, you're only 23, dude.
Okay, you know what? My people plan for death, Abbi.
I'm Jewish too.
Okay, but you're a mainline Jew.
New York Jews wake up every day just thinking about how they're going to die.
(Scoffs) I think about death.
(Man) Sex, sex, sex, sex, sex.
Whoa, sex is right.
Oh, my goodness.
You wrote your will on a napkin? I made copies, obviously.
Come on.
I know, how have I never had I know! How has it ever it's always on the table.
Hold up you gave me power of attorney? I need you to be able to fight against my killer or whatever, and then option the rights.
I also am looking into a few mutual funds and I'm having some, um (Clearing throat) Valuables appraised.
Are you (Bleep) talking about the beanie babies? Don't! Stop, I can't even talk about this.
- They're - With the flamingo one? Dude, I can't even there is still some value there, especially in the ones that like, commemorate events, okay? It's cyclical, the market is cyclical.
Maybe you you don't know about the market.
But it's cyclical.
You're getting into like, the eBay beanie baby game? Yeah, baby, it's a whole other math game.
I've got a math head.
All right, listen.
Math mind.
I'm all for wills.
I think it's a good idea even though I think you're very young.
But people get crazy about material possessions and it's like, who even owns anything these days anyway? Can you please spare a dollar? - Yeah.
- I just wanna to get some food.
- Good luck.
- Thank you.
Yeah.
- Appreciate it.
- Bless.
I hope it helps.
Oh, my god, we are Can I get a buck? Oh, sorry.
But you just gave her a buck.
We can't give everyone on the block a dollar.
Well, actually, you could.
You just don't want to.
Actually, we couldn't, because we're going to the meat sack and it's a cash-only restaurant.
Wow, that must be nice.
Okay, we could bring you our leftovers, after.
I was gonna have them for lunch Oh, really? 'Cause that would be so generous of you.
Oh, it's no problem.
I'm glad we Okay, he's being sarcastic.
Oh.
Michelle, party of two.
Michelle, party of two.
Three, two, one.
Okay, you lose.
I have a reservation.
It's under, uh (Woman) You're my next two-top.
Great.
A'ight? Hope you're hungry.
Get the stomach stretched.
I cannot wait.
I love me some dumplings.
It's like a squirrel clutch with a meatball in it.
(Woman) Little Wayne, party of two.
(Muffled screaming) Oh, my god, Weezy's here.
He is so real.
No, that's us.
We are Little Wayne.
Oh, you are sweeping me off my feet.
Oh, yum.
Oh, my god.
You can get as many dumplings as you want, okay? Oh, my god! Oh, my god! Oh, my god! Wow! Yo, girlfriends.
Hey long time, no freakin' see.
Look at you two! Couple of Madonnas, huh? Oh, gosh, so fashion, baby.
(Woman) I love that! - How are you guys? - Yeah.
(Woman) When was the last time we saw you? I think it was at our show - Yeah.
- With Elliott.
- It was our show choir show.
- Yeah.
(Vocalizing) (Vocalizing) It was a long time ago.
Can I ask you, do you live in New York or did you move, because you never respond to any of my Facebook, uh, invites.
I get so confused on Facebook.
- Me too! - Like, how it works.
What are all the numbers and the things? - I know! - I don't know what they go with.
- It's kind of change - It changes fast, the interface.
- I'm afraid to click it.
- Yes.
You know, I'm actually, I'm really kind of sad that you guys missed my last solo performance.
Yeah.
We're so sorry that that happened.
We don't even know you guys that well.
Honestly, Chris, I feel like you should give them some of it.
You should show them a little bit.
Give them a little piece, a taste.
Oh, you don't have to do that.
- You don't have to.
- We're at dinner.
I was born the day the Challenger exploded.
(Woman) Honey, no.
No, no, no.
Do the ending, do the climax.
Do "Dear Uncle".
Um, please suspend your sense of disbelief, uh, as the lighting here is not good and it's not a theater, but all the world is a stage.
Here we go.
No, Uncle, please, don't! Okay, so he is on stage, he's fully naked, and he's maximum erect.
Uncle, please, don't do it, Uncle! Okay, he's standing on a shredded American flag, little pieces.
Uncle, Uncle Sam! - He ejaculates! - (Moaning) Into the flag.
Yes.
That's the twist.
- It's a bit of a statement.
- Yeah.
It's like, about currency and politics and government and all that.
Um, we can push your tables together and then maybe you can talk a little bit quieter.
(Whispering) No, please don't.
(Woman) Excuse me, Sir.
That's a great idea! - Yes! - Yes! - Here we go.
- Here we go.
Beep, beep, beep.
Honk-honk, honk-honk.
Beep, beep, beep.
Hi! This is a good group.
Oh, my holy (Bleep).
What the heck? What the (Bleep)? I'm such a klutz, we have to go.
Now we gotta go, is what it is.
We gotta we have to go.
- Gotta go, we gotta go.
- Oh, my god.
I can't be out.
I can't be out like this.
We have to go, that's sorry, everybody.
I should go home right now.
This is never gonna come out! Let's go.
Let's do it.
Here we go.
Wait, you can't leave with an open container.
Okay.
Okay.
We will not do that.
You guys know wine is heart healthy, so - Mm-hmm, and - Here we go.
Just do that.
Mmm! (Coughing) Oh oh, my god.
You have a good California, I can tell.
You have a good rest of your night.
Sayonara.
Bye, you guys.
See you guys.
I'm sorry, but they are too much.
Yeah.
Party of five? Scott Wolf? (Man) Oh, hey, hey! Where are the leftovers? It was honestly too annoying.
We didn't even order.
Wow, too annoying? Must be nice.
Must be nice.
Must be nice! Jeez.
I feel bad.
You know, runaway teens have it so tough.
He probably came out to his family, they kicked him out, so he hopped a boxcar from Oklahoma and now he's turning tricks on St.
Mark's.
You know, child sex trafficking is all around us.
(Gasping) Wigs! Ab, I gotta go get a wig, it's my birthday! All right, you go ahead.
I'm going to this Thai place and see if there's a wait.
Dope.
Everyone's like, "where's Christina, where's Christina?" I can't keep saying you're in the keys at your parents.
What do you want me to say? "Oh, my girlfriend moved out seven weeks ago and I'm falling apart and my dick doesn't work anymore, so " Dude.
Christina moved out? Oh.
What happened with the wigs? I got distracted by this business guido.
Oh All right.
I put our name in.
- 45 minutes, we're in.
- Whoo! (Man) Yeah! Ugh.
I feel like every city has a parrot dude.
You ever see the guy with the cat on his head? Yeah, wonder if it ever touches the ground.
If it does, that would be disgusting.
Imagine if those two guys met.
I think the parrot would win.
God, I have such a wig face.
It's not even funny.
This is the kind of wig you get buried in.
Why would you want to get buried in a wig? It's the last time people get to see you.
Yeah, exactly, I want to look dope as (Bleep) at my funeral.
It's my last party, you know? I even made a playlist already.
It's pretty much RuPaul's "Supermodel" on repeat and I need leather tissues.
I also want everyone I've ever hooked up with to just jerk off together.
That might bring me back to life.
Seriously.
Yo, you should be careful.
I just want like, a really nice funeral.
You know, like, like, on a hill.
You know, like everyone would be really sad, like hill funerals usually are? Yeah.
Everyone would be crying, maybe even hysterically, but then, then, everyone has to go to six flags, my treat.
That is genius! You can't be upset at six flags, you can't.
No, no.
You can even "Weekend at Bernie's" me, but Ilana, no log flume, for real.
How am I going to Bernie you if I'm already dead? No, I'm obviously dying first.
No, the husband always dies first.
First of all, we're not married.
Second of all, I'm the wife? You're the other husband.
All right, agree to disagree.
A to D.
Oh, my god.
I am definitely getting this.
I am a female and I love to inspect bodies.
Yeah, I think that's what that stands for.
Me too.
I'm getting this because I look like I've been stabbed.
I look like I'm mid-death.
Challah back, y'all.
Challah back, y'all.
All right, I'll take this and we'll take these.
Wigs are 10, shirts are a buck each.
Here you go.
Oh, I love St.
Mark's.
(Boy) I'm alone! Oh, so sad.
Been there.
All right, so we can eat as many dumplings as you want - Thank you.
- Whatever kind.
Dude.
Yo, yo, yo, that girl just did a tongue thing.
(Man) A tongue thing? Yeah! Hey, what'd you do? I don't know.
Yeah, it was like No, it wasn't.
I just, I was just like, cute You know, I'm not trying to start a whole conversation.
You are seriously beautiful, like, really, really beautiful.
No, you are.
(Man) Whoa! Holy (Bleep)! Hey! Ilana, your gift! (Bleep) Stop him, he took our bag! Drop the bag, you (Bleep).
When I catch you, I swear I'm going to rip out your disgusting little ball sack until you (Bleep) throw up your own dick! Damn it! Stop, we're the FBI, bitch! (Man) Hey, watch it! Stop that guy! Watch out, watch out! (Man) Hey, come on.
Hey! (Horn honking) My wig! Leave it, leave it! Market, market go! Split up! Oh! Ass(Bleep).
Go around, go around! Oh, (Bleep).
Where is he? Oh, my god.
He just (Bleep) ran down here, I Go, there, there! Drop it, you (Bleep) face, I swear I'll rip come on, (Bleep)hole! Ball sack! Jesus.
(Bleep).
All right, okay.
Yep.
Hopefully no one will take that.
- Okay.
- Oh, I have a lot in here.
Okay? Okay.
(Abbi) Dude, he's going into a house! - Come on! - All right.
Okay, he's getting away.
Okay, here we go, I need just one All right, you got it, and then I just straddled.
- This is uncomfortable.
- I know.
I don't feel like I wanna You know what? I'm gonna go back down through the kitchen, and I'm gonna be so fast, and it's gonna be so good, and we're gonna get the gift! (Doorbell chiming) Can I help you? A guy just ran in here.
We were chasing him 'cause he stole my gift.
He stole my bag.
Call the police.
He stole it right out of my hand.
He's in here, he's in your house.
Please, come in.
Okay, uh Timothy.
Can you please come down here? Timothy.
That boy lives here? Boy? He's 34 years old.
I had him when I was very young.
Timothy.
Timothy! Jesus Christ.
What, mother? Can you explain yourself? Did you just steal something from these girls? Yeah, it was a (Bleep) joke.
Chill out.
You chill out! Chill out! And get their stuff now.
Ugh! Now! I'm sorry.
Please, don't press charges.
No, it's gonna it's all right.
Ever since he dropped out of grad school, he's, uh, he's given me a lot of grief.
I don't know what to do throw him out, put him on the street.
He'd love that.
I'm so rude.
Uh, would you Oh.
Would you, uh, like a drink? No, no, no.
It's fine.
It's a soft gift, so it's okay.
Timothy! What is wrong with you? I don't know, mom.
Why don't you tell me? You're the psychiatrist.
Or do I need to make an appointment? Maybe you should.
But you can't afford me because you don't work.
You love this, don't you? You think I like this? My only son.
Having to lie to my friends about what my son does with his life? He's a loser, loser, loser, loser, loser, loser, loser, loser life.
Loser.
Right, 'cause you have to lie about me but not about anything in your perfect little life.
Not about the wine, the painkillers, my father.
Do I look like the son of a quarterback? I will I never asked to be born! Let me tell you something.
I'm a very good mother, it's just sometimes You get a dud! A (Bleep) dud! (Abbi) I'm just going to grab I'm sorry your son sucks so hard.
Thank you, thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
We're good, we're good, thanks so much.
Thank you so much.
- Have a great night.
- Appreciate it.
You look beautiful, and come back and see me.
- Will you come back and see me? - Yes.
Okay.
Whoo.
Jesus.
I wonder if they own or rent.
Dude, I need to do more cardio.
I'm like, sore already.
Jeez, you know Oh, my god! - Tree man.
- My wig! Oh, my god.
Thank you, tree man.
Thank you so much.
This is nice.
You're like the giving tree in real life.
(Horn honking) All right! Okay.
Hey, hey.
You (Bleep) piece of (Bleep).
I will (Bleep) car.
I will (Bleep).
I'm a tree, (Bleep) damn it.
I was here first, car.
I was here first! - Thanks for the wig.
- Thanks so much.
Have a good night.
This is the best gift ever! This is the most powerful and beautiful blanket since the AIDS quilt.
Good.
I love pizza, dude.
Me too.
It's a squirrel sleeping bag, unzipped.
Yes, it is.
All right, listen.
So, my family has a tradition on birthdays where we ask the b-day-ee a couple questions.
Are you ready? Ilana, 23-year-old.
What have you done this past year that you're proud of? And what are you gonna do this upcoming year? Go.
Okay, well I am proud of the time I saw something and said something.
Yeah.
I'm proud that I finally felt a prostate.
It's tricky.
Um I'm proud that I used a lemon successfully as antiperspirant.
(Sniffing) Whoo, yes I did, yes I did.
Mm-hmm, yeah.
And next year, I want to finish a book - reading, not writing.
- Mm-hmm.
I want to gradually lower my dosage of antidepressants.
And I want to join ancestry.
com.
Oh, I'm in.
- Dude.
- Let's do it.
Okay, how about you? Well, it's not my birthday.
Come on, it's I wanna hear it.
Okay.
So, this past year, I'm proud that I finally finished "Damages," so good.
I really think you need to reconsider TV.
- Nah.
- Um, what else? I pegged.
Like ow! Really outside of my comfort level.
You know.
Okay.
I finally masturbated above the covers without my eyes being closed.
That was a really big journal entry.
Um when I figured out my eyebrows.
They're sisters, they're not twins.
- Right.
- Need to be treated as such.
Overwhelming pride.
Okay, um, what about next year? All right.
I'm going to do one legit pull-up, for real this time.
And I really want to keep a plant alive for more than two weeks.
You know, I'm going to do that.
Ooh, I forgot one.
I want to see a mangina from behind.
I haven't in years.
What? A mangina is when a guy pulls his dick through his legs, it looks like a vagina.
I know, I know what a mangina is.
What do you mean from behind? Oh.
Oh, I don't know.
It's just, dick head and balls squishing back there.
It's so cute! Okay, I have another one.
I want to get one of those really painful massages where there's like, an old Russian woman who like, slaps huge leaves at you while you're like, completely naked.
I just feel like I need to feel more of life's pain.
I hate pain.
I love pleasure.