Buck Rogers in the 25th Century s02e10 Episode Script
Shgoratchx!
Admiral, I am ready to leave on patrol: Good morning, Hawk: We've picked up something very interesting: Looks like a derelict ship immobilized in Sector 5: We're closing now: She's coming into view, sir: [Gasps.]
It looks like a refugee from the interstellar junkyard: [Hawk.]
And drifting into the freight lanes: [Asimov.]
I've sent Crichton down to see if Buck wants to check it out: I'd like for you to postpone your patrol and join him: I shall prepare the shuttle: Good: If you're going to wake Captain Rogers, do it gently, do you understand? Will you, Crichton? He's been on his feet for almost two days: : : Before he went to bed less than two hours ago: Oh, very well, Doctor: What an irritation it must be to you humans: : : To be required to spend one-third of your life span: : : In a comatose condition: It predicates a hopelessly inadequate basic design: Yes, yes, yes: Thank you very much, dear boy: We've been over all this before, haven't we? Do go and wake the captain, will you? That's a good fellow: You are Goodfellow, Doctor, not l: Heavens above, I think he made a joke: [Chuckles.]
Oh, dear: How depressing: Now hear this! Your presence is requested on the hangar deck: Let us put a stop to this goldbricking: "Goldbricking"? A quaint expression from the century which spawned you, Captain: A perfectly dreadful century, I might add, highlighted by wars, women's lib and the holocaust: Leave me alone, will ya? I haven't had any sleep for three days: It was you, Captain, who asked to be alerted: : : If anything untoward happened: I cannot be responsible: : : For your physical or emotional state, Captain: Your presence is awaited in the launch bay: One of these days: One of these days: What's going on, Hawk? A derelict vessel in the shipping lanes: : : With the possibility of life-forms aboard: Mmm: What's he doing here? Crichton is here, as usual, to fill the gaps of human ignorance: Crichton, one of these days, you're gonna say: : : The wrong thing at the wrong time to the right person: They're gonna turn your knob: You know what I mean? Knob? Knob? I have no knobs: Well, you get into the ship right now, or I'll show you you have knobs in the most unexpected places: - Move: - Oh, very well, Captain: [Buck.]
The admiral was right: It's the worst pile ofjunk I've ever seen: [Hawk.]
It is hard to believe it has held together in such a state: [Buck.]
No marking or insignia of any kind to indicate where it's from either: [Man Narrating.]
In the year 1987, NASA launched the last of America's deep space probes: Aboard this compact starship, a lone astronaut, Captain William "Buck'"Rogers, was to experience cosmic forces beyond all comprehension: In a freak mishap, his life-support systems were frozen: : : By temperatures beyond imagination: Ranger 3 was blown out of its planned trajectory: : : Into an orbit 1,000 times more vast, an orbit which was to return Buck Rogers to Earth: : : Incredible: If there is life in here, I'm not sure I want to meet it: Not if it's as old as this ship seems to be: It is very quiet: Surely you're aware that "quiet" is a relative concept: Well, then be quiet, do your job and scan for life-forms, Crichton: [Creaking.]
There are life-forms of an inferior species aboard: How inferior? Warm-blooded, like humans: Now, that's funny, Crichton: Really funny: You mind finding them for us? Unnecessary: The life-forms have already found us: [All Shouting In Alien Dialect.]
[Shouting Continues.]
If the language resembled any reasonable tongue known in this galaxy, I would oblige: Unfortunately, it doesn't: Crichton, establish some kind of communication: It is unnecessary to establish communication: They are already established: We only speak Zeerdonian when irritated: Oh, well, that's-that's good to know: Um, my name is Captain Buck Rogers: This is Hawk: We're from the Earth ship Searcher: And we're from Zeerdonia: I am General Xces: - I am General Zoman: - I am General Yoomak: - I'm General Sothoz: - I'm General Kuzan: - I am General Towtuk: - And who are you? I am Private Zedht: Hmm: - Six chiefs and one Indian: - What is Indian? Um, your private here: Exactly: We give orders, he takes orders: Is that, uh, not confusing? It's not confusing: He never obeys: If he does not obey, what good does it do giving him orders? What good is it to be a general if you don't have someone to give orders to? Are you ready to give up? - We wish to know why you attacked us:! - Yes, yes! - We want a reason! Hold on: We didn't attack you: We thought you were a derelict: You were adrift in a shipping lane: You could cause an accident: Boarding without permission is an attack to Zeerdonians! Yes, yes, yes! You are indeed fortunate that our weapons didn't function: - How did that happen? - We don't know: They functioned perfectly when the Sarlons came aboard to pirate our cargo: - That was a long time ago: - A very long time: - Before our energy cells imploded: - That is why you are drifting? Yes: But someday, we'll repair the damages: After all, we've only been adrift for about - 200 years: - 300! - Or more: - Doesn't matter! What matters is we complete our mission: Yes, indeed: Complete the mission: Finish the job! - Serve the queen! - Do or die! Raise the flag:! What exactly is your mission? We are under orders to proceed to the distant side of star Sitof 43 and dispose of our cargo: If it's of any importance, Sitof 43 is a bomb disposal star: Wonderful: I'm almost afraid to ask you what your cargo is: Don't be afraid: They aren't: Our cargo is solar bombs: Solar bombs? How many? Only 1,000: That's enough to radioactivate this entire area: : : For over 50 million years: General, uh, where are they? All over: Some are here, safe and somewhat sound: Somewhat sound? Crichton, check 'em out: Extremely unstable: Exceptionally volatile: The deterioration rate is accelerating: Of course: Our stabilizing system destabilized when we lost our energy: Yes, well, we'll set up a magnet beam and take you on to Sitof 43: In the meantime, I'm sure that our commander would be more than happy to welcome you aboard our ship: Good: We accept: [All Shouting In Agreement.]
I have never quite seen anything like them: I have: I used to hang out with a very pretty lady named Snow White: Hmm? What a ship! What a stupendous ship! What a magnificent ship! What a stupendous, magnificent ship! This is unbelievable! It's incredible! - Take notes on the ship, Private: - Yes, sir! [Hawk.]
I must go on patrol: I leave our charming guests entirely in your hands: [Chuckles.]
Thanks a lot: I'm hungry! Yes, hungry: Famished! Very famished! Ravenous! Starving! Food! Yes, yes, yes! Crichton, would you go set up the relay coordinates for the magnetic tow, please? As you wish: Come on, gentlemen: I'll see what I can do: Yes, yes, yes! Engagement complete and locked: Our forward velocity must not exceed three-quarters speed: Well, why not? If we go to plasma drive, we'll make it to Sitof 43 a lot sooner: The destabilizing solar bombs aboard the Zeerdonian vessel: : : Cannot withstand the increase in kinetic energy: : : Which accompanies transfer to plasma drive: He means it's risky: [Chuckles.]
Yes, yes, that's quite right, Twiki: He does need a bit of translating now and again, doesn't he? Most impressive! Lots of pretty lights! If only we had a bridge like this! We would be the envy of the Zeerdonian fleet! Wilma, Dr: Goodfellow, Admiral, may I present General Xces and his crew: We're not crew! He's crew! - I'm the crew: - [All.]
We're generals! Yeah, well, at any rate, I'm gonna try and get some sleep: If you'll excuse me, I'll see you later: Look at this:! Yes, look:! Gentlemen, gentlemen, what a pleasure what a surprise: We've got lots to talk about, and the nicest Oh! What can I do for you gentlemen? - What are you? - Uh, well, I'm Colonel Wilma Deering: No, not rank: What are you? I think what they're trying to find out is, my dear, what kind of animal you are: I'm a woman: That's what: Woman? - What is woman? - What you're looking at: A-A female: She's no female: Couldn't be: - Look, she's got bumps: - Yes, bumps:! [Towtuk.]
Pretty bumps:! Uh, well, you'll have to excuse me: I'll arrange for your quarters: She's like no female I ever saw: And if you'd excuse me, I've got a few things to take care of: How does this work? Look at all those numbers! [Asimov.]
See here Wait a minute! Astounding:! Most impressive:! I wouldn't mind workin' on this! Hey, look! An audio-sensitizer energy control! I heard of these once: - Don't touch that control! - This control? [Crichton.]
Help:! Help:! Help:! [Man Over P: A:.]
Emergency:! Emergency:! All hands to quarters:! All hands to quarters:! Oh, my! Crichton's hurt: Somebody help him, please: The logarithmic function of a parametric equation: : : Is inversely proportional to the to the 10th power: - Admiral! Crichton! - [Crichton.]
Truth is an extract of the abstract: [Babbles, Indistinct.]
What happened? One of the generals began playing with the controls: Spearshake was a merchant of vendors: Check for damages, Colonel: [Crichton.]
Ilia was a lamb chop: Mary had a little lamb: What happened here? [Twiki.]
He hurt his head: He's dented:! And everywhere that Mary foaled, the lamb was lamb was You guys, grab him: Take him down to Dr: Goodfellow's lab: Lamb was Mary glow: Mary glow? Mary glow: Lamb was - What is a lamb? - What's a Mary? Who's "Glow"? How about it, Doctor? Is the damage irreparable? [Sighs.]
Looks quite serious, I'm afraid: It appears that the impact of the fall: : : Has created a depression in the positronic cortex: Will he be all right? Oh, Twiki, I don't know, but I'll do my best: You can fix him: I know you can: Dear me, there's a dent in the cortex, as I feared: It's quite a massive trauma: Mmm, mmm, mmm: I'll have to remove the brain for further examination: Take out his brain? That's terrible! Now, Twiki, let's not jump to conclusions: The positronic brain's a pretty durable apparatus: And yours has been functioning very well and for a very long time, Twiki: Yes, but nobody ever put a dent in my cortex: There, there, there: Now, then, I'll tell you what I'll do: I'll run an analysis and have a prognosis in a few minutes: Attention, all personnel: The Zeerdonian visitors have disappeared from the control room: - Please advise: - What do you mean, disappeared? We were monitoring the magnetic grid and just took our eyes off'em for a minute: - We turned around and they were gone: - Well, they couldn't have left the ship: They must be somewhere: The only place where visual scanners are nonfunctional is the magnetic power plant: [Mutters.]
Wonderful! Magnificent! Have you ever seen anything like this before? I hope all of you are absorbing what you see: This equipment is far superior to ours: No wonder: Ours is 2,000 years old: Yes, yes: And if we bring back samples of this transferral system, we'll be decorated as heroes: Take notes, Private Zedht: You bet! - I think their energizing patterns are behind this panel: - Yes, let's see: - Oh, look at that:! - That's interesting:! - Don't! [Zeerdonians Laughing, Clamoring.]
What the devil's going on here? Emergency power synthesizers: All stations, report damage: [Laughing, Clamoring Continues.]
What are you trying to do, kill yourselves? How can we be killed by something as harmless as that? Harmless? You could've gotten us all killed! Not us! That's right! We are naturally Grounded! Aren't you? [Wilma.]
Grounded? You mean electricity doesn't hurt you? [Man Over P: A:.]
Now hear this: Power failure: Collision imminent: I repeat: Collision imminent: All crew to stations: Secure for impact: I've gotta get to the bridge: Good luck: [All Laughing.]
Quiet down! Quiet! Enough! [Buck.]
What a mess: Can we help, Captain Rogers? [All Clamoring.]
No, you can't help Hold it! You've been helpful enough: Just stay put: Buck, whatever happened down there shorted out the tractor beam controls: They're locked, and the power flow's increasing: I'm going to have Dr: Goodfellow join you: Perhaps he can help repair the damage: Admiral, the tractor beam's pulling the Zeerdonian ship right into our aft section: How long until impact? Less than seven minutes: Activate deflector shields: Go to plasma drive: Admiral, the solar bombs will explode: I don't think that'll make much difference, Colonel: [Buck.]
Looks like electronic spaghetti to me: [Chuckles.]
Strange beings: They get upset over nothing: Yes, strange: They take the long way around every problem, don't they? Reminds me of generals: Present company excepted, of course: I must take it upon myself to redesign these systems one of these days: They're almost im Oh, good heavens! I found the little culprit: Look, look, look: You found it? Yes, indeed: The transducer wire has melted melted clean away: See? Look at that: Look at that: Can you see it? Yeah, well, I see it, Doctor: The problem is that in about two minutes, we're gonna collide with a ship: : : Loaded with unstable solar bombs: - What can we do about it? - Oh, dear: I don't quite know: I mean, we need jumper cables or splicers or something, and I'm afraid there isn't time: Wait a minute: Wait a minute: You guys were all volunteering to help a little while ago, weren't you? - Yes: - Let us help: - We're good helpers: We're excellent helpers: We like to help: Doctor, I, uh I think I may have found our jumper: It's not quite a cable, perhaps, but, uh All right, which one of you wants to volunteer? Generals don't act as jumper cables: Private Zedht, step forward and volunteer: Yes, do your duty:! Yes, sir! Whoa! No, no: Thank you for volunteering, Private: Step right this way: Grab a hold of those two wires: I was getting around to it, Captain: So, get: - This is fun! - I wish I'd volunteered:! Me too:! He's having too much fun:! Generals are supposed to have fun:! Admiral, we have power now: Unlock the retractor beam: We need somebody down here to splice a cable: Right away, Buck: We made it: Lieutenant Martin, reduce speed to warp three: Reestablish magnetic stabilizers: Yes, sir: Twiki, why don't we see how Crichton's doing? Oh, yes, please: It's funny: Now's the first time: : : Crichton ever needed us: - Am I through yet? - Not until that cable's spliced: Wilson, just in time: Did you bring everything? Yes, sir, Captain Rogers: As soon as you're free, Private Zedht, I'd love to talk to you, if I may: I have so many questions I'd like to ask you: I think I spark to that, Doctor: That's a pun:! Very good pun:! An excellent pun: I think we may create: : : Some truly electrifying moments together: Dr: Goodfellow, um, weren't you working on Crichton's brain before all this happened? Oh, good heavens! Of course I was: How could I have possibly forgotten? Dear me, I must get back immediately: You'll forgive me, of course: Doctor? I'm not sure anything can be done, but I'll I'll do my best: Come on, Twiki: We're not giving up hope: I'll look in on you later, okay? Thank you: [All Clamoring.]
Wilma! Gentlemen, please: Please, please, please: Wilma, I've just spoken to the admiral, and he says that from now on, the Zeerdonians are to be your personal responsibility: He asked that you try to keep them out of trouble: Me? Uh, has it occurred to our admiral: : : That their interest in me is slightly more than casual? Yes, well, I wouldn't know about that: In any case, I intend to get some sleep if it kills me: And the Zeerdonians are all yours: [Nervous Chuckle.]
Thanks: Gentlemen, I would ask you please to consider yourselves guests aboard this ship, not crew: Don't: : : Touch: : : Anything: Guests do as they please: What a great idea! We're all yours! Show us the rest of the ship! What's for dinner? Yeah, what's for dinner? [All Clamoring.]
Just go straight ahead, gentlemen: Hey, look at this! Wow! [All Clamoring.]
Gentlemen, can I have your attention, please? What? What? From here on, I'd like you to read, relax Do whatever it is you do, but here you must stay: : : Until this ship returns to some sort of normal business routine, all right? Okay: Thank you: Does that tell ya how to fix Crichton? No: Afraid not, Twiki: Unfortunately, for all its advantages, you know, the positronic brain has one fault: Once something really serious happens to it, no way we know of repairing it: Will Crichton be consigned to the compactor for recycling? No: We'll simply install a new brain when we reach the base: But it won't be Crichton: No, Twiki, it won't be Crichton: I'm sorry I was cross with you, son: Dr: Goodfellow did let me help to make you: What do we do now then? I'm bored: So am l: Let's find something to do: And something to eat: Yeah, something to eat: Well, let's get un-bored! Come on! Yeah! Humans are very gullible: Everybody, think about the lock: Off-think:! Off-think:! Off-think:! Off-think:! Off-think:! Off-think:! Off-think:! Off-think:! Yeah! Hey! Whatever! We're guests! Guests do what they want: Private Zedht, lead the way: Of course: After you, General: Thank you: [All Laughing.]
This is Colonel Deering: Entering asteroid belt A-64: Secure stations: Deflector shields engaged: Out: [Groaning.]
Ow! What Private Zedht, what are you doing in my bunk? Trying to get some sleep: Everybody on this ship is always running around in a dither: Doesn't anybody ever sleep? My friend, I have been trying to get some sleep: : : Since long before you and your peripatetic generals got here: I haven't closed my eyes in over 50 hours: Now, what is it with you guys anyway? You're worse than the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse: Can't you stay out of trouble for more than five minutes? I can: Generals can't: It's in the nature of generals to create havoc: You can say that again: - It's in the nature of generals - All right, all right, all right: Hey, wait a minute: Wait a minute: I thought that Colonel Deering had locked all you guys up in the lounge for safekeeping: - How'd you get out? - We walked: You did what? We walked: What do you mean, you walked? You couldn't have: It's impossible: It's an electronic lock: It's foolproof: Foolproof? Nothing is foolproof to Zeerdonians: We think things as we want them to be, and they happen: I don't understand: We off-think locks and lids and belts and catches: We on-think even better than we off-think: Are you telling me that all you have to do is think about something and it happens? You mean humans can't do these elementary things? No, we can't: You see, we don't consider: : : Unlocking a door by thinking about it elementary: It's easy if you know how: Off-think: See? That's a That's a nice trick: [Alarm Blaring.]
[Man Over P: A:.]
Battle stations:! Battle stations:! Battle stations? Keep your shirt on: My shirt is on! L-l Stay put, all right? I'll put on some clothes, and then we'll see what's going on, all right? Whatever you say, Captain: Why is it I have a feeling I'd be better off if they'd all been asleep in my bunk? What's the meaning of this? I gave no orders for firing: Now, who's responsible? I don't know, Admiral: Someone is manually controlling the lasers from the main weapons bay: I guarantee we all know who that someone is: How did they get out of that lounge? I'll do whatever I can, Admiral: Sorry: I really did lock them up: I know, I know: I'll tell you about it later: Good shooting! I got one too! I got another one:! Magnificent shooting:! Better than that:! It's perfect:! I'm gonna go for double! Isn't this fun? [All Laughing.]
Cease this insanity at once! At once! The defense shield is down! It's too late:! Hold on:! Are all of you crazy? Of course not: We were just having fun: Don't you people know better than to play with these weapons? You realize those lasers are effective at over 40,000 grids? What if you had had a ricochet off one of the asteroids and it hit your own ship? We never had a ricochet: On Zeerdonia, we used to practice like this all the time: [Man Over P: A:.]
Emergency:! Emergency:! Captain Rogers to the bridge, please: Try and do something with them, hmm? Oh, thanks a lot: Even if you have to tie them up: Tie us up? Why would you wanna tie us up? We were only having fun: Uh The bunch of you are acting like little children: How old are you anyway? Old: Very old: Very, very old: A thousand years: Or more: More than a thousand years old? [All.]
At least! [Chuckles.]
Well, do you have children? - Oh, yeah: - We do: - Sometimes: - In a way: - Well, then you have wives waiting for you at home: What's a "wive"? Uh, a female: A-A woman, like me: No, no wives: No females like you: [Nervous Chuckle.]
But Wait: You said you had children: How? - We attend: - The queen: - When she calls: - If we hear: - She hasn't called: - In a long time: She will: Oh, yes, she will: Well, then, your-your queen bears your children: No: She lays eggs: - Eggs? - Many eggs: - Seven eggs: - Us, in a shell: - In a shell? - In a shell: - But how do you [Chuckles.]
Oh, no: Oh, no, no, no, no: I'm not gonna get into that one: I'm going to the bridge: - And I certainly hope the lot of you will behave yourselves: - [Beeps.]
How did you do that? Uh [Nervous Chuckle.]
What are you doing? We must settle a question: Settle a-a question? About a woman: Yes: What is a woman? Oh, well, now, just a minute, all of you: [Yoomak.]
You claim to be a female: That is an impossibility: [Xces.]
No female looks like you: [Zedht.]
Correction: - No female looks as good as you: - Certainly not our queen: - She hasn't got bumps: - We must examine you: Examine? Now, wait a minute: What are you talking about? - Begin the off-think: - "Off-think"? - Off-think! Off-think! - You must be completely mad: - Off-think! - [Yells.]
Now, gentlemen: Gentlemen Off-think! Off-think:! Off-think:! Off-think:! Now, wait a minute! Wait a minute! Wait a minute: Wait a minute: Now, how dare you! We must examine: - For science: - No, no: Not on your life: It's all right: General Yoomak is a doctor: Off-think! Off-think! Off-think! Off-think:! Off-think:! Off-think:! Off-think:! There it is: The impact threw both the main and backup gyros out of equilibrium: And now, we're heading straight for the seventh sun of Khyphotak: It's hard to believe that such a small asteroid hit could cause so much damage: We can't reverse power or direction? We tried overpowering the gyros hydraulically: : : And shorted out the entire control system, including the leads to the power plant: Meaning we have no internal communications, huh? That's the picture: Not very pretty, is it? No, it isn't: I'm gonna round up Wilma and go find Dr: Goodfellow: I don't know what he can do, but he seems to be our last and best hope: [Wilma Screams.]
Whoa:! Stop it:! You're out of your heads:! Stop it:! Stop this instant! What's she so upset about? Stop! Maybe she has a blemish she doesn't want us to see: Wejust wanna check it out: Gentlemen:! Gentlemen [Chattering Continues.]
What is going on in here? They're-They're madmen: Absolutely insane: Lot of help you were, Captain: You could've made it a little sooner: All right, all of you in a group together behind me: I don't want you any more than a step behind me: You understand? We'd be delighted, Captain Rogers: We like you: Almost as much as we like Colonel Deering: No problem, dear boy, if we had time: But unfortunately, to reach the affected areas, it would be necessary: : : To tear down the entire control panel: That would take, I would say, at least four hours: Which we don't have, since we're due to impact: : : The seventh sun of Khyphotak in less than two: Does anybody know what's going on around here? It doesn't make any sense: It must make sense, just not good sense: There's gotta be another way to fix those leads: That type of repair capability was built into Crichton's construction: : : For just such an emergency: But with the poor fellow being hors de combat, I'm afraid we're as good as lost: I can make Crichton function: What did you say? I beg your pardon? I can make him work: I have a positronic brain too: Oh, I know it's not as good as Crichton's: He keeps telling me that: But it might work: What are you suggesting, Twiki? Well, Dr: Goodfellow could take my brain: : : And put it in Crichton's body: Then I could make his extensors work, and the ship could be fixed: Bless my soul: What an extraordinary idea: How very brave of you, Twiki, to suggest it: I am a robot, and by the first law of robotics, a robot may not permit a human being to come to harm if he can prevent it: You are all in danger: I must help: Forgive me, Twiki: Forgive me saying this, but Crichton's rather a more sophisticated robot than you: His more complex circuits might very well do irreparable damage to your little brain: Then there'll be no more Twiki: The alternative is no more you, no more any of us: There's not much time left, Doctor: We gotta get started: Buck, what do you say? Well, Doc, I'm afraid that Twiki's come up with the only possible solution: [Sighs.]
Well, my friend, Crichton may be more sophisticated than you are, but when it comes to guts, you got him beat hands down: Says you: I'm quaking in my boots: Come on, Doc: Are you ready, Twiki? I'm ready: You'll be all right, Twiki: I know you will: You'll be back with us in no time: Hang in there, big fella: We're all rootin' for you: I am robotic unit: : : T-W-K-E-4: Well, he's working: [Chuckling.]
Oh, thank goodness for that: I am governed by Dr: Issac Asimov's three immutable robotic laws: One: A robot may not injure a human being: : : Or through inaction, allow a human being to come to harm: Two: A robot must obey the orders given to it by human beings, except where such orders would conflict with the first law: Three: A robot must protect its own existence: : : As long as such protection does not conflict: : : With the first or second law: That's wonderful: Do you know what you've just heard? Those are the first words spoken by all articulate robots: : : Following the moment when the positronic brain is introduced to the servile mechanism: [Chuckles.]
T-W-K-E-4: Can you hear me? We have a problem: I am here to solve problems: Command me: Good: Oh, Buck, listen to me: The longer Twiki's brain is subjected to the strain of Crichton's superior circuits, the greater the risk that he will incur permanent damage: - Is there something we can do? - Well, you see, I had so little time, I'm afraid I had to cut some of the leads to Twiki's positronic cortex: Well, how can we help? You see, if you and Buck could isolate those leads Do you follow me and extend them to the same length as the uncut leads, it would save a great deal of time when I replace the brain: In fact, it could make all the difference: Consider it done, Doctor: We'll have those leads ready by the time you get back: Right: Listen, it's a matter of electro-timing, old boy, with our lives at stake here: I understand the problem: I will eliminate it: Well, you'd better hurry: We can't take much more of this heat: I shall begin at the main juncture of the gyro: Every second Every second counts: Serious problem here? It is done: Will somebody please try the controls? He did it! We're swinging back to course! [Applause.]
I am pleased to have been able to help: Attention, all hands: Impact with Khyphotak's seventh sun has been avoided: All systems are functioning: Emergency standby personnel may stand down: Thank you, Crichton: I am not Crichton: I am robotic unit: : : T-W-K-E-4: Crichton no longer functions: I know: If I understand the problem here, you wish Crichton to function again? But of course we do: Of course: But it's impossible: His brain's damaged: Nothing is impossible: Not for Zeerdonians: Come on: Let's go see what we can do: [Sighs.]
I wouldn't trust them not one centimeter: Do come along, T-W-K-E-4: We're gonna see if we can help Crichton: Ah! There: Thank goodness: He's back home, so to speak, in no further danger: I'll tell you what we'll do: We'll feed him energy very slowly: Then we wait a few minutes, and then we shall see: It's time to on-think the dented one: On-think! Yes! On-think! [All Shouting In Agreement.]
"On-think"? What on earth are you people talking about? Well, l-I think I know what they're talking about: You said you could fiix anything just by thinking about it: The way you unlocked the doors, and the way you, uh, examined Colonel Deering, hmm? Yes: That was off-think: But we can on-think even better than we off-think: But we must know the original shape and function of the brain: We all know the original shape, but how it functions, well Dr: Goodfellow? Well, I don't know: I suppose I know as much as anybody: : : About his composition and his synaptic and electromagnetic impulses: Time to on-think! Yes, it's time to on-think! We should all on-think! [All.]
Think about the brain:! Think about the brain:! Think about the brain! Think about the brain! Think about the brain! I am thinking! Think harder! Push! Shove! Ponder! Concentrate! Think about the brain! Think about the brain! Think about the brain! Think about the brain! Think about the brain! Think about the brain! Think about the brain! Think about the brain! [Wilma.]
Look, something is happening:! [All Cheering.]
You did it, Doctor! You did it! You got the dent out of Crichton's brain: I knew you could do it: They did it, all of them: They did it: Now, I'll tell you what to return Crichton's brain to its original cranial cavity: : : And see if both the brains function: Ah: Now, then: That's all right: Let's hope for the best, shall we say: Oh, please, let it be our old Twiki: I say, are you there, Twiki? [Wilma.]
Twiki, are you there? No response at all: [Xces.]
Time to on-think:! Yes, it's time to on-think:! [All Chattering.]
On-think:! On-think:! On-think:! On-think:! On-think:! On-think:! On-think:! Look! Twiki: I say, Twiki, dear fellow, can you hear me? [Chirping.]
Oh, I hope I never have to go through anything like this again: It's a drag: [Laughs.]
It's him: Welcome back, Twiki: I knew you'd pull through, big guy: It's good to feel like my old self again: What about Crichton? Yes, what about him? Oh, yes: Now then, Crichton, speak up, old boy, if you can: Why is everybody staring in this insane fashion? Surely you must have something better to do, hmm? Should've left him with the dent: [Woman Screams.]
You know we're arriving at Sitof 43 you know, the repair station? Everyone's waiting for you on the bridge: I was just curious: You ever heard of curiosity killing the cat? What's a cat? You'll be leaving in a few moments via the air lock: Sitof has you on tractor beam: They'll activate as soon as you're aboard your ship: I must say it's been interesting having you with us: Interesting is hardly the word: You've missed an experience: So I have been hearing: [Dr: Goodfellow.]
No, no, no, no, no: You've all missed the point: Don't you understand what's happened? We've all been part of a miracle a whole series of miracles: We've been reminded of something very important in life that anything you believe possible, anything you think possible is possible: Oh, I know there have been misadventures, but look at what we've gained: Something has been brought back into this old heart of mine: : : That I thought it had lost forever: Do you know what that is? The magic of believing: And I, for one, want to show my gratitude: Bravo: We like you too: Yes, indeed: Very much: Very much of muchness: You have also given us something: What is that? [Xces.]
When we return to our planet, we'll be welcomed as heroes: - The queen will make us knights: - Why would she do that? Because we saved your lives: That's funny: I would've sworn Twiki had something to do with that: I do believe I had something to do with the process: Well, let's say it was a brilliant communal effort, shall we? I think, in any case, it's splendid that you're gonna be made knights: I should also ask Her Majesty, your queen, to commission you a new ship: What's wrong with the old one? I don't know: I haven't been on it: But Captain Rogers tells me it's a real dog of a ship: It'd be a shame to send a knight out on a dog like that, wouldn't it? [All Chuckling.]
Another pun! A glorious pun! - A super-splendiferous pun:! - Apun to end all puns:!
It looks like a refugee from the interstellar junkyard: [Hawk.]
And drifting into the freight lanes: [Asimov.]
I've sent Crichton down to see if Buck wants to check it out: I'd like for you to postpone your patrol and join him: I shall prepare the shuttle: Good: If you're going to wake Captain Rogers, do it gently, do you understand? Will you, Crichton? He's been on his feet for almost two days: : : Before he went to bed less than two hours ago: Oh, very well, Doctor: What an irritation it must be to you humans: : : To be required to spend one-third of your life span: : : In a comatose condition: It predicates a hopelessly inadequate basic design: Yes, yes, yes: Thank you very much, dear boy: We've been over all this before, haven't we? Do go and wake the captain, will you? That's a good fellow: You are Goodfellow, Doctor, not l: Heavens above, I think he made a joke: [Chuckles.]
Oh, dear: How depressing: Now hear this! Your presence is requested on the hangar deck: Let us put a stop to this goldbricking: "Goldbricking"? A quaint expression from the century which spawned you, Captain: A perfectly dreadful century, I might add, highlighted by wars, women's lib and the holocaust: Leave me alone, will ya? I haven't had any sleep for three days: It was you, Captain, who asked to be alerted: : : If anything untoward happened: I cannot be responsible: : : For your physical or emotional state, Captain: Your presence is awaited in the launch bay: One of these days: One of these days: What's going on, Hawk? A derelict vessel in the shipping lanes: : : With the possibility of life-forms aboard: Mmm: What's he doing here? Crichton is here, as usual, to fill the gaps of human ignorance: Crichton, one of these days, you're gonna say: : : The wrong thing at the wrong time to the right person: They're gonna turn your knob: You know what I mean? Knob? Knob? I have no knobs: Well, you get into the ship right now, or I'll show you you have knobs in the most unexpected places: - Move: - Oh, very well, Captain: [Buck.]
The admiral was right: It's the worst pile ofjunk I've ever seen: [Hawk.]
It is hard to believe it has held together in such a state: [Buck.]
No marking or insignia of any kind to indicate where it's from either: [Man Narrating.]
In the year 1987, NASA launched the last of America's deep space probes: Aboard this compact starship, a lone astronaut, Captain William "Buck'"Rogers, was to experience cosmic forces beyond all comprehension: In a freak mishap, his life-support systems were frozen: : : By temperatures beyond imagination: Ranger 3 was blown out of its planned trajectory: : : Into an orbit 1,000 times more vast, an orbit which was to return Buck Rogers to Earth: : : Incredible: If there is life in here, I'm not sure I want to meet it: Not if it's as old as this ship seems to be: It is very quiet: Surely you're aware that "quiet" is a relative concept: Well, then be quiet, do your job and scan for life-forms, Crichton: [Creaking.]
There are life-forms of an inferior species aboard: How inferior? Warm-blooded, like humans: Now, that's funny, Crichton: Really funny: You mind finding them for us? Unnecessary: The life-forms have already found us: [All Shouting In Alien Dialect.]
[Shouting Continues.]
If the language resembled any reasonable tongue known in this galaxy, I would oblige: Unfortunately, it doesn't: Crichton, establish some kind of communication: It is unnecessary to establish communication: They are already established: We only speak Zeerdonian when irritated: Oh, well, that's-that's good to know: Um, my name is Captain Buck Rogers: This is Hawk: We're from the Earth ship Searcher: And we're from Zeerdonia: I am General Xces: - I am General Zoman: - I am General Yoomak: - I'm General Sothoz: - I'm General Kuzan: - I am General Towtuk: - And who are you? I am Private Zedht: Hmm: - Six chiefs and one Indian: - What is Indian? Um, your private here: Exactly: We give orders, he takes orders: Is that, uh, not confusing? It's not confusing: He never obeys: If he does not obey, what good does it do giving him orders? What good is it to be a general if you don't have someone to give orders to? Are you ready to give up? - We wish to know why you attacked us:! - Yes, yes! - We want a reason! Hold on: We didn't attack you: We thought you were a derelict: You were adrift in a shipping lane: You could cause an accident: Boarding without permission is an attack to Zeerdonians! Yes, yes, yes! You are indeed fortunate that our weapons didn't function: - How did that happen? - We don't know: They functioned perfectly when the Sarlons came aboard to pirate our cargo: - That was a long time ago: - A very long time: - Before our energy cells imploded: - That is why you are drifting? Yes: But someday, we'll repair the damages: After all, we've only been adrift for about - 200 years: - 300! - Or more: - Doesn't matter! What matters is we complete our mission: Yes, indeed: Complete the mission: Finish the job! - Serve the queen! - Do or die! Raise the flag:! What exactly is your mission? We are under orders to proceed to the distant side of star Sitof 43 and dispose of our cargo: If it's of any importance, Sitof 43 is a bomb disposal star: Wonderful: I'm almost afraid to ask you what your cargo is: Don't be afraid: They aren't: Our cargo is solar bombs: Solar bombs? How many? Only 1,000: That's enough to radioactivate this entire area: : : For over 50 million years: General, uh, where are they? All over: Some are here, safe and somewhat sound: Somewhat sound? Crichton, check 'em out: Extremely unstable: Exceptionally volatile: The deterioration rate is accelerating: Of course: Our stabilizing system destabilized when we lost our energy: Yes, well, we'll set up a magnet beam and take you on to Sitof 43: In the meantime, I'm sure that our commander would be more than happy to welcome you aboard our ship: Good: We accept: [All Shouting In Agreement.]
I have never quite seen anything like them: I have: I used to hang out with a very pretty lady named Snow White: Hmm? What a ship! What a stupendous ship! What a magnificent ship! What a stupendous, magnificent ship! This is unbelievable! It's incredible! - Take notes on the ship, Private: - Yes, sir! [Hawk.]
I must go on patrol: I leave our charming guests entirely in your hands: [Chuckles.]
Thanks a lot: I'm hungry! Yes, hungry: Famished! Very famished! Ravenous! Starving! Food! Yes, yes, yes! Crichton, would you go set up the relay coordinates for the magnetic tow, please? As you wish: Come on, gentlemen: I'll see what I can do: Yes, yes, yes! Engagement complete and locked: Our forward velocity must not exceed three-quarters speed: Well, why not? If we go to plasma drive, we'll make it to Sitof 43 a lot sooner: The destabilizing solar bombs aboard the Zeerdonian vessel: : : Cannot withstand the increase in kinetic energy: : : Which accompanies transfer to plasma drive: He means it's risky: [Chuckles.]
Yes, yes, that's quite right, Twiki: He does need a bit of translating now and again, doesn't he? Most impressive! Lots of pretty lights! If only we had a bridge like this! We would be the envy of the Zeerdonian fleet! Wilma, Dr: Goodfellow, Admiral, may I present General Xces and his crew: We're not crew! He's crew! - I'm the crew: - [All.]
We're generals! Yeah, well, at any rate, I'm gonna try and get some sleep: If you'll excuse me, I'll see you later: Look at this:! Yes, look:! Gentlemen, gentlemen, what a pleasure what a surprise: We've got lots to talk about, and the nicest Oh! What can I do for you gentlemen? - What are you? - Uh, well, I'm Colonel Wilma Deering: No, not rank: What are you? I think what they're trying to find out is, my dear, what kind of animal you are: I'm a woman: That's what: Woman? - What is woman? - What you're looking at: A-A female: She's no female: Couldn't be: - Look, she's got bumps: - Yes, bumps:! [Towtuk.]
Pretty bumps:! Uh, well, you'll have to excuse me: I'll arrange for your quarters: She's like no female I ever saw: And if you'd excuse me, I've got a few things to take care of: How does this work? Look at all those numbers! [Asimov.]
See here Wait a minute! Astounding:! Most impressive:! I wouldn't mind workin' on this! Hey, look! An audio-sensitizer energy control! I heard of these once: - Don't touch that control! - This control? [Crichton.]
Help:! Help:! Help:! [Man Over P: A:.]
Emergency:! Emergency:! All hands to quarters:! All hands to quarters:! Oh, my! Crichton's hurt: Somebody help him, please: The logarithmic function of a parametric equation: : : Is inversely proportional to the to the 10th power: - Admiral! Crichton! - [Crichton.]
Truth is an extract of the abstract: [Babbles, Indistinct.]
What happened? One of the generals began playing with the controls: Spearshake was a merchant of vendors: Check for damages, Colonel: [Crichton.]
Ilia was a lamb chop: Mary had a little lamb: What happened here? [Twiki.]
He hurt his head: He's dented:! And everywhere that Mary foaled, the lamb was lamb was You guys, grab him: Take him down to Dr: Goodfellow's lab: Lamb was Mary glow: Mary glow? Mary glow: Lamb was - What is a lamb? - What's a Mary? Who's "Glow"? How about it, Doctor? Is the damage irreparable? [Sighs.]
Looks quite serious, I'm afraid: It appears that the impact of the fall: : : Has created a depression in the positronic cortex: Will he be all right? Oh, Twiki, I don't know, but I'll do my best: You can fix him: I know you can: Dear me, there's a dent in the cortex, as I feared: It's quite a massive trauma: Mmm, mmm, mmm: I'll have to remove the brain for further examination: Take out his brain? That's terrible! Now, Twiki, let's not jump to conclusions: The positronic brain's a pretty durable apparatus: And yours has been functioning very well and for a very long time, Twiki: Yes, but nobody ever put a dent in my cortex: There, there, there: Now, then, I'll tell you what I'll do: I'll run an analysis and have a prognosis in a few minutes: Attention, all personnel: The Zeerdonian visitors have disappeared from the control room: - Please advise: - What do you mean, disappeared? We were monitoring the magnetic grid and just took our eyes off'em for a minute: - We turned around and they were gone: - Well, they couldn't have left the ship: They must be somewhere: The only place where visual scanners are nonfunctional is the magnetic power plant: [Mutters.]
Wonderful! Magnificent! Have you ever seen anything like this before? I hope all of you are absorbing what you see: This equipment is far superior to ours: No wonder: Ours is 2,000 years old: Yes, yes: And if we bring back samples of this transferral system, we'll be decorated as heroes: Take notes, Private Zedht: You bet! - I think their energizing patterns are behind this panel: - Yes, let's see: - Oh, look at that:! - That's interesting:! - Don't! [Zeerdonians Laughing, Clamoring.]
What the devil's going on here? Emergency power synthesizers: All stations, report damage: [Laughing, Clamoring Continues.]
What are you trying to do, kill yourselves? How can we be killed by something as harmless as that? Harmless? You could've gotten us all killed! Not us! That's right! We are naturally Grounded! Aren't you? [Wilma.]
Grounded? You mean electricity doesn't hurt you? [Man Over P: A:.]
Now hear this: Power failure: Collision imminent: I repeat: Collision imminent: All crew to stations: Secure for impact: I've gotta get to the bridge: Good luck: [All Laughing.]
Quiet down! Quiet! Enough! [Buck.]
What a mess: Can we help, Captain Rogers? [All Clamoring.]
No, you can't help Hold it! You've been helpful enough: Just stay put: Buck, whatever happened down there shorted out the tractor beam controls: They're locked, and the power flow's increasing: I'm going to have Dr: Goodfellow join you: Perhaps he can help repair the damage: Admiral, the tractor beam's pulling the Zeerdonian ship right into our aft section: How long until impact? Less than seven minutes: Activate deflector shields: Go to plasma drive: Admiral, the solar bombs will explode: I don't think that'll make much difference, Colonel: [Buck.]
Looks like electronic spaghetti to me: [Chuckles.]
Strange beings: They get upset over nothing: Yes, strange: They take the long way around every problem, don't they? Reminds me of generals: Present company excepted, of course: I must take it upon myself to redesign these systems one of these days: They're almost im Oh, good heavens! I found the little culprit: Look, look, look: You found it? Yes, indeed: The transducer wire has melted melted clean away: See? Look at that: Look at that: Can you see it? Yeah, well, I see it, Doctor: The problem is that in about two minutes, we're gonna collide with a ship: : : Loaded with unstable solar bombs: - What can we do about it? - Oh, dear: I don't quite know: I mean, we need jumper cables or splicers or something, and I'm afraid there isn't time: Wait a minute: Wait a minute: You guys were all volunteering to help a little while ago, weren't you? - Yes: - Let us help: - We're good helpers: We're excellent helpers: We like to help: Doctor, I, uh I think I may have found our jumper: It's not quite a cable, perhaps, but, uh All right, which one of you wants to volunteer? Generals don't act as jumper cables: Private Zedht, step forward and volunteer: Yes, do your duty:! Yes, sir! Whoa! No, no: Thank you for volunteering, Private: Step right this way: Grab a hold of those two wires: I was getting around to it, Captain: So, get: - This is fun! - I wish I'd volunteered:! Me too:! He's having too much fun:! Generals are supposed to have fun:! Admiral, we have power now: Unlock the retractor beam: We need somebody down here to splice a cable: Right away, Buck: We made it: Lieutenant Martin, reduce speed to warp three: Reestablish magnetic stabilizers: Yes, sir: Twiki, why don't we see how Crichton's doing? Oh, yes, please: It's funny: Now's the first time: : : Crichton ever needed us: - Am I through yet? - Not until that cable's spliced: Wilson, just in time: Did you bring everything? Yes, sir, Captain Rogers: As soon as you're free, Private Zedht, I'd love to talk to you, if I may: I have so many questions I'd like to ask you: I think I spark to that, Doctor: That's a pun:! Very good pun:! An excellent pun: I think we may create: : : Some truly electrifying moments together: Dr: Goodfellow, um, weren't you working on Crichton's brain before all this happened? Oh, good heavens! Of course I was: How could I have possibly forgotten? Dear me, I must get back immediately: You'll forgive me, of course: Doctor? I'm not sure anything can be done, but I'll I'll do my best: Come on, Twiki: We're not giving up hope: I'll look in on you later, okay? Thank you: [All Clamoring.]
Wilma! Gentlemen, please: Please, please, please: Wilma, I've just spoken to the admiral, and he says that from now on, the Zeerdonians are to be your personal responsibility: He asked that you try to keep them out of trouble: Me? Uh, has it occurred to our admiral: : : That their interest in me is slightly more than casual? Yes, well, I wouldn't know about that: In any case, I intend to get some sleep if it kills me: And the Zeerdonians are all yours: [Nervous Chuckle.]
Thanks: Gentlemen, I would ask you please to consider yourselves guests aboard this ship, not crew: Don't: : : Touch: : : Anything: Guests do as they please: What a great idea! We're all yours! Show us the rest of the ship! What's for dinner? Yeah, what's for dinner? [All Clamoring.]
Just go straight ahead, gentlemen: Hey, look at this! Wow! [All Clamoring.]
Gentlemen, can I have your attention, please? What? What? From here on, I'd like you to read, relax Do whatever it is you do, but here you must stay: : : Until this ship returns to some sort of normal business routine, all right? Okay: Thank you: Does that tell ya how to fix Crichton? No: Afraid not, Twiki: Unfortunately, for all its advantages, you know, the positronic brain has one fault: Once something really serious happens to it, no way we know of repairing it: Will Crichton be consigned to the compactor for recycling? No: We'll simply install a new brain when we reach the base: But it won't be Crichton: No, Twiki, it won't be Crichton: I'm sorry I was cross with you, son: Dr: Goodfellow did let me help to make you: What do we do now then? I'm bored: So am l: Let's find something to do: And something to eat: Yeah, something to eat: Well, let's get un-bored! Come on! Yeah! Humans are very gullible: Everybody, think about the lock: Off-think:! Off-think:! Off-think:! Off-think:! Off-think:! Off-think:! Off-think:! Off-think:! Yeah! Hey! Whatever! We're guests! Guests do what they want: Private Zedht, lead the way: Of course: After you, General: Thank you: [All Laughing.]
This is Colonel Deering: Entering asteroid belt A-64: Secure stations: Deflector shields engaged: Out: [Groaning.]
Ow! What Private Zedht, what are you doing in my bunk? Trying to get some sleep: Everybody on this ship is always running around in a dither: Doesn't anybody ever sleep? My friend, I have been trying to get some sleep: : : Since long before you and your peripatetic generals got here: I haven't closed my eyes in over 50 hours: Now, what is it with you guys anyway? You're worse than the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse: Can't you stay out of trouble for more than five minutes? I can: Generals can't: It's in the nature of generals to create havoc: You can say that again: - It's in the nature of generals - All right, all right, all right: Hey, wait a minute: Wait a minute: I thought that Colonel Deering had locked all you guys up in the lounge for safekeeping: - How'd you get out? - We walked: You did what? We walked: What do you mean, you walked? You couldn't have: It's impossible: It's an electronic lock: It's foolproof: Foolproof? Nothing is foolproof to Zeerdonians: We think things as we want them to be, and they happen: I don't understand: We off-think locks and lids and belts and catches: We on-think even better than we off-think: Are you telling me that all you have to do is think about something and it happens? You mean humans can't do these elementary things? No, we can't: You see, we don't consider: : : Unlocking a door by thinking about it elementary: It's easy if you know how: Off-think: See? That's a That's a nice trick: [Alarm Blaring.]
[Man Over P: A:.]
Battle stations:! Battle stations:! Battle stations? Keep your shirt on: My shirt is on! L-l Stay put, all right? I'll put on some clothes, and then we'll see what's going on, all right? Whatever you say, Captain: Why is it I have a feeling I'd be better off if they'd all been asleep in my bunk? What's the meaning of this? I gave no orders for firing: Now, who's responsible? I don't know, Admiral: Someone is manually controlling the lasers from the main weapons bay: I guarantee we all know who that someone is: How did they get out of that lounge? I'll do whatever I can, Admiral: Sorry: I really did lock them up: I know, I know: I'll tell you about it later: Good shooting! I got one too! I got another one:! Magnificent shooting:! Better than that:! It's perfect:! I'm gonna go for double! Isn't this fun? [All Laughing.]
Cease this insanity at once! At once! The defense shield is down! It's too late:! Hold on:! Are all of you crazy? Of course not: We were just having fun: Don't you people know better than to play with these weapons? You realize those lasers are effective at over 40,000 grids? What if you had had a ricochet off one of the asteroids and it hit your own ship? We never had a ricochet: On Zeerdonia, we used to practice like this all the time: [Man Over P: A:.]
Emergency:! Emergency:! Captain Rogers to the bridge, please: Try and do something with them, hmm? Oh, thanks a lot: Even if you have to tie them up: Tie us up? Why would you wanna tie us up? We were only having fun: Uh The bunch of you are acting like little children: How old are you anyway? Old: Very old: Very, very old: A thousand years: Or more: More than a thousand years old? [All.]
At least! [Chuckles.]
Well, do you have children? - Oh, yeah: - We do: - Sometimes: - In a way: - Well, then you have wives waiting for you at home: What's a "wive"? Uh, a female: A-A woman, like me: No, no wives: No females like you: [Nervous Chuckle.]
But Wait: You said you had children: How? - We attend: - The queen: - When she calls: - If we hear: - She hasn't called: - In a long time: She will: Oh, yes, she will: Well, then, your-your queen bears your children: No: She lays eggs: - Eggs? - Many eggs: - Seven eggs: - Us, in a shell: - In a shell? - In a shell: - But how do you [Chuckles.]
Oh, no: Oh, no, no, no, no: I'm not gonna get into that one: I'm going to the bridge: - And I certainly hope the lot of you will behave yourselves: - [Beeps.]
How did you do that? Uh [Nervous Chuckle.]
What are you doing? We must settle a question: Settle a-a question? About a woman: Yes: What is a woman? Oh, well, now, just a minute, all of you: [Yoomak.]
You claim to be a female: That is an impossibility: [Xces.]
No female looks like you: [Zedht.]
Correction: - No female looks as good as you: - Certainly not our queen: - She hasn't got bumps: - We must examine you: Examine? Now, wait a minute: What are you talking about? - Begin the off-think: - "Off-think"? - Off-think! Off-think! - You must be completely mad: - Off-think! - [Yells.]
Now, gentlemen: Gentlemen Off-think! Off-think:! Off-think:! Off-think:! Now, wait a minute! Wait a minute! Wait a minute: Wait a minute: Now, how dare you! We must examine: - For science: - No, no: Not on your life: It's all right: General Yoomak is a doctor: Off-think! Off-think! Off-think! Off-think:! Off-think:! Off-think:! Off-think:! There it is: The impact threw both the main and backup gyros out of equilibrium: And now, we're heading straight for the seventh sun of Khyphotak: It's hard to believe that such a small asteroid hit could cause so much damage: We can't reverse power or direction? We tried overpowering the gyros hydraulically: : : And shorted out the entire control system, including the leads to the power plant: Meaning we have no internal communications, huh? That's the picture: Not very pretty, is it? No, it isn't: I'm gonna round up Wilma and go find Dr: Goodfellow: I don't know what he can do, but he seems to be our last and best hope: [Wilma Screams.]
Whoa:! Stop it:! You're out of your heads:! Stop it:! Stop this instant! What's she so upset about? Stop! Maybe she has a blemish she doesn't want us to see: Wejust wanna check it out: Gentlemen:! Gentlemen [Chattering Continues.]
What is going on in here? They're-They're madmen: Absolutely insane: Lot of help you were, Captain: You could've made it a little sooner: All right, all of you in a group together behind me: I don't want you any more than a step behind me: You understand? We'd be delighted, Captain Rogers: We like you: Almost as much as we like Colonel Deering: No problem, dear boy, if we had time: But unfortunately, to reach the affected areas, it would be necessary: : : To tear down the entire control panel: That would take, I would say, at least four hours: Which we don't have, since we're due to impact: : : The seventh sun of Khyphotak in less than two: Does anybody know what's going on around here? It doesn't make any sense: It must make sense, just not good sense: There's gotta be another way to fix those leads: That type of repair capability was built into Crichton's construction: : : For just such an emergency: But with the poor fellow being hors de combat, I'm afraid we're as good as lost: I can make Crichton function: What did you say? I beg your pardon? I can make him work: I have a positronic brain too: Oh, I know it's not as good as Crichton's: He keeps telling me that: But it might work: What are you suggesting, Twiki? Well, Dr: Goodfellow could take my brain: : : And put it in Crichton's body: Then I could make his extensors work, and the ship could be fixed: Bless my soul: What an extraordinary idea: How very brave of you, Twiki, to suggest it: I am a robot, and by the first law of robotics, a robot may not permit a human being to come to harm if he can prevent it: You are all in danger: I must help: Forgive me, Twiki: Forgive me saying this, but Crichton's rather a more sophisticated robot than you: His more complex circuits might very well do irreparable damage to your little brain: Then there'll be no more Twiki: The alternative is no more you, no more any of us: There's not much time left, Doctor: We gotta get started: Buck, what do you say? Well, Doc, I'm afraid that Twiki's come up with the only possible solution: [Sighs.]
Well, my friend, Crichton may be more sophisticated than you are, but when it comes to guts, you got him beat hands down: Says you: I'm quaking in my boots: Come on, Doc: Are you ready, Twiki? I'm ready: You'll be all right, Twiki: I know you will: You'll be back with us in no time: Hang in there, big fella: We're all rootin' for you: I am robotic unit: : : T-W-K-E-4: Well, he's working: [Chuckling.]
Oh, thank goodness for that: I am governed by Dr: Issac Asimov's three immutable robotic laws: One: A robot may not injure a human being: : : Or through inaction, allow a human being to come to harm: Two: A robot must obey the orders given to it by human beings, except where such orders would conflict with the first law: Three: A robot must protect its own existence: : : As long as such protection does not conflict: : : With the first or second law: That's wonderful: Do you know what you've just heard? Those are the first words spoken by all articulate robots: : : Following the moment when the positronic brain is introduced to the servile mechanism: [Chuckles.]
T-W-K-E-4: Can you hear me? We have a problem: I am here to solve problems: Command me: Good: Oh, Buck, listen to me: The longer Twiki's brain is subjected to the strain of Crichton's superior circuits, the greater the risk that he will incur permanent damage: - Is there something we can do? - Well, you see, I had so little time, I'm afraid I had to cut some of the leads to Twiki's positronic cortex: Well, how can we help? You see, if you and Buck could isolate those leads Do you follow me and extend them to the same length as the uncut leads, it would save a great deal of time when I replace the brain: In fact, it could make all the difference: Consider it done, Doctor: We'll have those leads ready by the time you get back: Right: Listen, it's a matter of electro-timing, old boy, with our lives at stake here: I understand the problem: I will eliminate it: Well, you'd better hurry: We can't take much more of this heat: I shall begin at the main juncture of the gyro: Every second Every second counts: Serious problem here? It is done: Will somebody please try the controls? He did it! We're swinging back to course! [Applause.]
I am pleased to have been able to help: Attention, all hands: Impact with Khyphotak's seventh sun has been avoided: All systems are functioning: Emergency standby personnel may stand down: Thank you, Crichton: I am not Crichton: I am robotic unit: : : T-W-K-E-4: Crichton no longer functions: I know: If I understand the problem here, you wish Crichton to function again? But of course we do: Of course: But it's impossible: His brain's damaged: Nothing is impossible: Not for Zeerdonians: Come on: Let's go see what we can do: [Sighs.]
I wouldn't trust them not one centimeter: Do come along, T-W-K-E-4: We're gonna see if we can help Crichton: Ah! There: Thank goodness: He's back home, so to speak, in no further danger: I'll tell you what we'll do: We'll feed him energy very slowly: Then we wait a few minutes, and then we shall see: It's time to on-think the dented one: On-think! Yes! On-think! [All Shouting In Agreement.]
"On-think"? What on earth are you people talking about? Well, l-I think I know what they're talking about: You said you could fiix anything just by thinking about it: The way you unlocked the doors, and the way you, uh, examined Colonel Deering, hmm? Yes: That was off-think: But we can on-think even better than we off-think: But we must know the original shape and function of the brain: We all know the original shape, but how it functions, well Dr: Goodfellow? Well, I don't know: I suppose I know as much as anybody: : : About his composition and his synaptic and electromagnetic impulses: Time to on-think! Yes, it's time to on-think! We should all on-think! [All.]
Think about the brain:! Think about the brain:! Think about the brain! Think about the brain! Think about the brain! I am thinking! Think harder! Push! Shove! Ponder! Concentrate! Think about the brain! Think about the brain! Think about the brain! Think about the brain! Think about the brain! Think about the brain! Think about the brain! Think about the brain! [Wilma.]
Look, something is happening:! [All Cheering.]
You did it, Doctor! You did it! You got the dent out of Crichton's brain: I knew you could do it: They did it, all of them: They did it: Now, I'll tell you what to return Crichton's brain to its original cranial cavity: : : And see if both the brains function: Ah: Now, then: That's all right: Let's hope for the best, shall we say: Oh, please, let it be our old Twiki: I say, are you there, Twiki? [Wilma.]
Twiki, are you there? No response at all: [Xces.]
Time to on-think:! Yes, it's time to on-think:! [All Chattering.]
On-think:! On-think:! On-think:! On-think:! On-think:! On-think:! On-think:! Look! Twiki: I say, Twiki, dear fellow, can you hear me? [Chirping.]
Oh, I hope I never have to go through anything like this again: It's a drag: [Laughs.]
It's him: Welcome back, Twiki: I knew you'd pull through, big guy: It's good to feel like my old self again: What about Crichton? Yes, what about him? Oh, yes: Now then, Crichton, speak up, old boy, if you can: Why is everybody staring in this insane fashion? Surely you must have something better to do, hmm? Should've left him with the dent: [Woman Screams.]
You know we're arriving at Sitof 43 you know, the repair station? Everyone's waiting for you on the bridge: I was just curious: You ever heard of curiosity killing the cat? What's a cat? You'll be leaving in a few moments via the air lock: Sitof has you on tractor beam: They'll activate as soon as you're aboard your ship: I must say it's been interesting having you with us: Interesting is hardly the word: You've missed an experience: So I have been hearing: [Dr: Goodfellow.]
No, no, no, no, no: You've all missed the point: Don't you understand what's happened? We've all been part of a miracle a whole series of miracles: We've been reminded of something very important in life that anything you believe possible, anything you think possible is possible: Oh, I know there have been misadventures, but look at what we've gained: Something has been brought back into this old heart of mine: : : That I thought it had lost forever: Do you know what that is? The magic of believing: And I, for one, want to show my gratitude: Bravo: We like you too: Yes, indeed: Very much: Very much of muchness: You have also given us something: What is that? [Xces.]
When we return to our planet, we'll be welcomed as heroes: - The queen will make us knights: - Why would she do that? Because we saved your lives: That's funny: I would've sworn Twiki had something to do with that: I do believe I had something to do with the process: Well, let's say it was a brilliant communal effort, shall we? I think, in any case, it's splendid that you're gonna be made knights: I should also ask Her Majesty, your queen, to commission you a new ship: What's wrong with the old one? I don't know: I haven't been on it: But Captain Rogers tells me it's a real dog of a ship: It'd be a shame to send a knight out on a dog like that, wouldn't it? [All Chuckling.]
Another pun! A glorious pun! - A super-splendiferous pun:! - Apun to end all puns:!