Chad (2021) s02e10 Episode Script

1
End of the year class trip!
Van-cou-ver! Van-cou-ver!
- Van-cou-ver!
- Denise, chant it!
- Vancouver.
- [CHUCKLES] Yeah!
Denise getting litty. What's next, mama?
You gonna hop outta that
thing and give us a hug?
Crack that smile, Denise.
Denise, crack that smile.
Ha ha, yeah! Denise letting loose!
Oh, my gosh. I'm so excited
for this five-hour bus ride.
Just enough time to watch
one and a half "John Wicks."
- Nice.
- You think we'll each get
individual little cup
holders and foot rests?
It seems like a pretty
up-to-standard bus.
- I'm sure they will.
- Yeah. It's North whatever.
How can you get much better than that?
You know, I've always wanted
to go to the Vancouver Aquarium.
There's a seal I follow on
social media named Hashbrown.
Uh, this has been Peter coming
at us with straight facts.
[CHUCKLES] You guys, check this out.
- It's real.
- Aw, that's great, Chad.
- You got your passport.
- Yeah, so exciting.
I'm finally a USA citizen.
Hey, do you mind tossing
this in your man-pouch for me
- and protecting it with your life?
- Oh, absolutely. That's what it's for.
Okay. So, seating arrangement.
What are we thinking?
Me, Peter, and then
Denise across the aisle, or me, Peter,
and Denise in, like,
more of a women's section
that's not really near us?
I am honestly open to either.
Well, you and I are
sharing a hotel room.
Let me have the bus ride with Denise.
Okay, and off that thought,
there's also this idea
I'll Rochambeau you for Peter.
- Fine.
- Thank you.
Two out of three.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
I won! I won the game!
Okay, that was fun, but I'm
still sitting next to Peter.
Wait, what? No, that's not fair.
Peter, say something she's
not respecting Rochambeau!
Come on, Chad. What did we say about
you sometimes being the bigger person?
That I struggle with it.
Why don't you just sit next to the girl
you've had a crush on all year?
She's right there.
Mona.
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]
♪
Sorry.
Oh, I'm actually trying
to get over there.
Sorry, guys. [GRUNTS]
It's hard to tell who's sitting where.
Yeah.
Sorry. Sorry.
Ugh! Sorry. Ugh.
Oh, shoot.
Took me a sec to get here.
Very smooth.
♪
Okay, this line says that
you will live a long life.
And this line says
you will have lots of
money good for you!
Oh, sweet! [CHUCKLES]
Does it ballpark my net worth?
Or, I mean, are, like, we
talking millions or billions?
It does not get that detailed.
- Oh, my God, look.
- [SNORING]
Oh, my gosh.
Who sleeps like that? What a dumbass.
[LAUGHS]
You want to go first?
Oh, my God. You criminal.
♪
Oh! I was so close.
Your turn.
I don't know if I can do this.
♪
- Nice shot.
- Okay. One more time.
- Get it in this time.
- Okay.
Wait, what if I do get it in
and he violently chokes to death?
Then I guess you and I will
share a dark secret for life
and be tied together forever.
[SNORING CONTINUES]
Not mad at that.
♪
- Oh!
- Negah Nakon.
- Negah nemikonam.
- Alon beedar misheh!
♪
[BOTH LAUGH]
- Oh, my God.
- Oh, God.
♪
Holy shit.
Oh, my God!
Peter!
- Two beds!
- Wow.
Do you want to switch in
the middle of the night,
or should we just pick
one and stick with it?
- Um, I I mean
- We can decide that later.
- Yeah.
- Do you like the decor?
Oh, my gosh, I love the decor.
A hybrid leather and wood headboard?!
How cool is Vancouver?
- Oh, my God.
- The coolest!
Peter, look a chaise lounge.
Is that a chaise lounge
or a regular chair?
It looks like a chaise lounge.
I'm gonna sit in here
and think about ideas.
[CHUCKLES] I love it!
This is so awesome! Oh, my God!
- Peter art!
- That That's By definition, that's art.
God damn it, I really
feel like they upgraded us.
I mean, you're really charming,
so there's a strong possibility.
I actually think we have the best floor.
A lot of kids from the
trip are on this floor.
And we also have an ice machine,
- and also Mona's on this floor.
- Yeah, I saw you two.
You guys looked like you were
having a lot of fun on the bus.
Yep, that girl really cracks my ass up.
I-I never knew girls could be funny.
No one told me.
- Not one person.
- Well, that's great for you.
I'm glad I'm glad to
see that you're growing.
I know. I I really like her.
Mm. I hope it works out for you.
That's what's so
exciting about this trip.
No parents, just two
teenagers flourishing.
Oh, my God! Peter, look at this.
$48 quesadilla?
Must be a really good quesadilla.
And turn down service?
- Turn down for what!
- Oh.
- Oh, yeah, let's jump on the bed.
- Oh, my gosh.
Yeah. I already am.
We! Run! Vancouver!
- Whoo!
- I'm not allowed to do this at home.
- Hey, Peter.
- Yeah?
You wanna walk down the hall
with me and look at Mona's door?
- Um
- Let's go!
♪
I'm pretty nervous, but
I think I'm gonna just
ride our bus momentum
right into the aquarium.
Who knows. This could be my
last night as a single man.
Just don't get in your head, buddy.
Talk about common interests and listen.
Remember, with girls, sometimes
you ask them a question.
- Are you sure?
- Yeah.
It's respectful, and that's
how you get to know someone.
Girls love that.
Alright.
Well, I'll strongly consider it.
There it is.
My God, she's fully living
in there the next two days.
Hmm. She told you this was her room?
Yup. 221. [CHUCKLES]
So insane.
Hmm.
Do you think she's looked at our door?
Probably.
She probably already has, huh?
Okay, guys, we're gonna
split into two groups
ones and twos.
If you're a one, you're tide pools.
If you're two, penguins. Starting here.
One, two, one, two, one,
two, one, two, one, two
Switch with me!
- One, two.
- Wait, no, switch back, switch back!
- One.
- Two.
- One.
- So I'm two.
You're a one, Chad.
Chad's a one, everyone!
Great. Two.
One.
- Two.
- Peter, what number are you?
- I'm a one.
- Denise, what about you?
- I'm also a one.
- Damn it!
I'm I'm gonna have to
switch with someone, you guys.
Mona's a two. I won't get to
see her the rest of the day.
You know what? Eff it.
Don't tell anyone, but
I'm gonna go with the twos.
Whoa, what? O-Okay.
I-I didn't hear anything.
I mean, like, holy shit, Chad.
This is You're taking
a huge risk with this.
Yeah, I'm just gonna go
ahead and blend with the twos.
Twos in the house!
Two crew!
Two-ty two, two!
MONA: So, tell me more, hmm.
The less obvious stuff.
Who is Chad?
Well love that question.
Been waiting 15 years for
someone to ask me that.
Uh, I love memes.
I'm into deepfakes.
- I love chocolate milk.
- Me too.
- You do?
- Yes.
It's delicious, right?
It is a classic.
That's right.
Uh, what else? Let's see.
Oh, I consider myself to be pre-famous,
if that makes sense to you.
So, congratulations on knowing me when.
- Okay.
- Mm-hmm.
And what is your favorite food?
Oh, easy. Preservatives.
- Stop.
- Did you just push me?
- I did.
- Is that all you got?
- It is not.
- Whoa!
[CHUCKLES]
Wow. You're strong.
PETER: Chad, remember, with girls,
sometimes you ask them a question.
And what about you?
What is some thoughts
that are on your mind,
as a girl who has thoughts?
Well, for instance, right now
Mm-hmm.
I was just thinking
about how you look like
that brown little puffer
fish with the cute eyes.
- That one?
- [LAUGHS]
The one that's like
I think he's cute.
♪
You're cute, you little dummy.
Chad.
Yes?
What are you doing?
Just hanging out.
Looking at fish.
♪
Can I Can I BRB
right back real quick?
- What?
- Okay, don't move.
And please don't talk to
anyone. I'll be right back.
♪
Peter! Peter!
Peter! I did it! I did
Aah! [BREATHING HEAVILY]
Oh, my God, I did the
questions thing and it worked.
I think Mona wants to kiss me.
What do I do? Tell me everything, go.
Chad, go be with her.
What are you doing here?
I just
Do you think I'll be a good kisser?
Yeah, I do.
Denise, you're obviously
a girl, by all accounts.
What do you think me, as a kisser?
Be honest. Be brutally honest.
- Probably fine.
- Thank you.
This is the day we've
been waiting for, buddy.
I'm proud of you.
I-I'm proud of all of us!
I'm proud of you, too. Screw it.
Frickin' proud of you, too, little D.
- I love you.
- Okay.
Oh, my gosh. Thank you,
guys. Thank you so much!
Thank you, Denise, for saying
I'll probably be a good kisser!
♪
♪
What's that doing in there? [CHUCKLES]
♪
I like holding your hand.
I like you.
I like you, too.
Oh, why exactly, in words?
[LAUGHING] See, that.
Every time I think I
have you figured out,
you surprise me with
some new, funny weirdness.
You are the least boring
person I have ever known.
I am?
I don't know what to tell you.
I just like you.
And your little fish face.
♪
Okay.
♪
I have an idea.
Do you wanna share
the ride home together
and maybe briefly unpack
and then maybe spend the entire
rest of the summer hanging out?
I'm going back to Paris.
Wait
What? When?
Um, straight from here.
I'm leaving tomorrow.
I'm spending the summer
with my cousins in Montmarte.
Wait, sorry, you're
going to Paris tomorrow?
MR. HENDERSON: Hey! We've
been looking for you.
Come on. Vamoose.
Wait.
Are you
Are you saying I'm not gonna
see you the whole summer?
Come on.
We still have tonight, no?
Let's make the most of it.
Yeah, for sure.
Wait, Chad, you're a one.
Did you make yourself a two?
This Okay, this is what I'm ta
The whole system's off,
and I've been working
on this for months.
Months?
She's going to freaking
France for the whole summer.
Straight from Vancouver,
like some kind of
jet-setting European widow.
Wow. She's so international.
I have one last night with her
to make a lasting impression.
I really gotta lock things
down before she goes.
What are you gonna do?
Well, she's totally convinced
I look like this dumbass
fish from the aquarium.
She's wrong, and I do
not look like the fish.
I'm literally so much hotter than him.
But I found a little stuffed
fish that looks like it
at the gift shop, so I
think I'm gonna give her
a framed picture of my face with that.
Do you think that's maybe
the best idea in the
world, do you think?
I love it. It's like a nice little
inside joke you guys have together.
- Exactly.
- [ICE CLATTERS]
- You think you'll finally kiss her?
- Yep.
I'm gonna grab her little
head and I'm gonna kiss it
and I'm gonna keep
kissing it, no matter what.
Well, no, she needs to be okay with it.
- There has to be consent.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Consent. Of course.
No, I'm definitely gonna do consent.
Chad, what is going on with this ice?
It's free.
[COPIER WHIRRING]
♪
[CELLPHONE CHIMES]
Holy shit.
♪
[DOOR CLOSES]
♪
Gotcha.
[LAUGHS]
♪
[CELLPHONE CHIMES]
Help!
Help!
Is there anybody out there? ♪
Help! A child is dying!
Feelin' kinda cooped up ♪
Someone let me out the
box before I do somethin' ♪
Hold my breath, count
down, three, two, one ♪
Huh, now I'm in the negatives ♪
I just checked the clock and
I don't think it's ticking ♪
Matter fact, I checked the back ♪
And ain't no batteries in it ♪
Shoot, I don't think
that anybody knows ♪
That I'm stuck inside the
box with a clock that's froze ♪
Aah!
Hello?!
Open! The! Door!
I'm stuck!
So long to my mind ♪
I done lost that three
or four times by now ♪
So I'm kickin' it with
me, myself, and I right now ♪
And if I die right now,
they won't find me, wow ♪
Kinda, kinda, kinda,
sorta claustrophobic ♪
Oh, God, oh ♪
Kinda, kinda, kinda,
sorta claustrophobic ♪
What day is it?
Hmm?
♪
[GROANING] No!
Come on!
Ma'am, where's the girl who lives here?
Uh, g-girl in this
room. French. You know
[SPEAKING GIBBERISH WITH FRENCH ACCENT]
Check out. Nobody's here.
What? Are you sure?
Did Did you check under the bed?
- She's very small.
- No girl.
No.
[GROANS]
Shit! Shit! Shit!
♪
[MR. HENDERSON SNORES]
♪
♪
Oh, honey, you
you can't spend the
whole summer in your room.
Why not? I've been
dick deep in mistakes,
and I deserve to suffer.
Why don't you check in with Mona?
Maybe write her a letter?
Write her a letter?
W-What am I, some kind
of medieval sex pervert?
Okay, you could send her
a little Facebook message?
[WHINING] My God, no
one uses that anymore!
You don't know what
you're talking about!
Okay. Just call her.
- Tell her how you feel.
- Mom, it's over.
My heart died that night
in a hotel business center.
[CLEARS THROAT] Chad
I understand what you're going through
because I was standing in the
doorway listening carefully
to the private
conversation you just had,
and you are dead-ass wrong.
It's not over with you and Mona.
W-Why not?
How do you know it's not?
He needs hope. Tell him.
- Tell him what?
- Yeah, tell him what?
Boise, Idaho. Summer of '05.
Oh. Uh, wow. Alright.
- In the summer
- In the summer of '05,
your parents made
love in Boise, Idaho
- Hamid.
- because sorry.
Your dad and I broke up, full stop.
We were dating, and it
wasn't really working out.
- So I broke up with him.
- Oh, God.
Were you just hormonal
or just fully lost
your mind or something?
N-No.
Why would you do such a thing?
We were having problems, Chad.
He was in Iran, I was
living in the States.
He wasn't prioritizing our relationship.
He was pretty absent.
Gosh, poor guy.
- Well, then what?
- Then I ended it.
But the next day, he was
standing outside my door.
He came from Tehran to Boise, Idaho,
where I was working on my thesis.
Dad just showed up, like, out of nowhere
'cause he loved you?
Yeah. It was so sweet.
But the point is, Chad,
you never know when
the story's gonna end.
Sometimes you think it's over,
and honey, it hasn't even begun.
Now tell him the fun part.
I don't think that's
really necessary, Hamid.
Tell him. I'm dying. I'm dying, too.
- Tell him.
- Okay.
Uh, well
that was the trip where
you were conceived.
They made you.
God damn it. Ew.
- [LAUGHING]
- But also, whoa.
Pretty sick origin story for me.
Mm-hmm.
Just be patient, Chad.
Summer's only three months long.
You'll see Mona again.
♪
Alright, here's what's gonna happen.
Hamid's gonna cry and miss me
and Mom's gonna lose her shit.
Especially when she finds out I used
all of her airline miles
and credit card points.
I need you to be their
rock and remind them
I'm not dead, I'm just in Paris.
Do you think I'm doing the right thing?
Honestly, no.
But it is pretty badass.
It's pretty badass, huh?
Very badass.
Thanks for the ride, Mohsen.
Please don't tell anyone about this.
Thank you so much.
It's for your own safety.
- I love you!
- God damn it, I love you, man.
I'll buy you some time with Mom.
Thanks, Niki.
I really appreciate it.
We We should really have
each other's backs more often.
It just never even dawned
on me that's an option.
Yeah. It's nice.
Have fun.
Good luck.
Oh, N-Niki, what is a layover?
- I have five of them.
- What?
[WOMAN SPEAKING FRENCH OVER P.A.]
♪
Suivant!
Eloigne-toi du chemin ♪
Qui te mène, qui t'emmène ♪
Dans le flux, dans le flot ♪
[BARKING]
Shit!
My God.
Eloignons-nous des phares ♪
Passport?
Passport.
It's in here somewhere.
Oh, here it is.
What is your nationality?
Thanks for asking.
I'm American.
Au malheur ♪
Le danger des vivants ♪
Le divan des vengés ♪
Le divin là-dedans ♪
A l'air tout dérangé ♪
Mais la bonne nouvelle ♪
C'est celle qu'on attendait pas ♪
C'est comme une étincelle ♪
Celle qui annonce qu'on va s'aimer ♪
C'est vrai, s'aimer, mais pourquoi? ♪
S'aimer, c'est fait pour toi et moi ♪
Oh!
Oh. Sorry.
C'est celle qu'on attendait pas ♪
C'est comme une étincelle ♪
Celle qui annonce qu'on va ♪
♪
- Oh. Sorry.
- [SPEAKING FRENCH]
Sorry.
Does anybody know where is a car?
Ohhhh ♪
Comme un pied de nez aux damnés ♪
Sorry.
Ohh, comme un pied de nez ♪
Oh, Jesus Christ.
Mais la bonne nouvelle ♪
C'est celle qu'on attendait pas ♪
C'est comme une étincelle ♪
Celle qui annonce qu'on va s'aimer ♪
C'est vrai, s'aimer, mais pourquoi? ♪
Mais la bonne nouvelle ♪
C'est celle qu'on attendait pas ♪
C'est comme une étincelle ♪
Celle qui annonce qu'on va ♪
S'aimer, c'est fait pour toi et moi ♪
♪