Chappelle's Show (2003) s02e10 Episode Script

1
Chappelle's Show.
Oww.
Whoo-hoo-hoo.
Whoo-hoo.
Yeah, yeah.
(announcer)
Dave Chappelle!
What's up!
Oh, man.
What's poppin', y'all?
I don't know if
you guys know this,
but my favorite TV show
is comin' back on the air.
It's called
"Making the Band."
Wooo, it's a beast!
Puff Daddy takes five people,
puts 'em in a house together,
makes 'em cut a record
for Bad Boy.
They argue, they fight
oh, the fights!
The drama!
If you haven't seen
the first season,
you don't know what
I'm talkin' about.
Here's the highlights
from the first season.
(hip-hop music)
("P. Diddy")
Congratulations.
Y'all made it inside
the house, you did good.
All right,
this is what's up:
You can live here,
you can record here,
you can be Bad Boy
artists here.
But if you wanna do it,
first y'all gotta walk to Queens
and get me a sugar cookie.
(Jamaican accent) A sugar
cookie, man, this is crazy.
We got come on, man
Bad Boy.
A sugar cookie, man.
Look, this is not what I got in
the music business to be doing.
To be a sugar cookie-getter,
you know, I'm a rapper.
Who are the five best
rappers of all time?
Think about it.
Dylan, Dylan
Dylan, Dylan,
and Dylan.
Because I spit hot fire.
It's a good-ass
sugar cookie.
You guys are official, now,
welcome to Bad Boy.
It's Bad Boy, baby.
Can't stop
won't stop.
Uh-uh, uh-uh.
I'm sending y'all
to the studio.
I want you to turn
Daddy out a hit,
but I need you to be
a family unit
and love each other,
or this will never work.
That's right, man,
that's right.
Go out there
and get Daddy a hit.
I'm gonna take a nap.
What'd you do?!
(shouting)
Let 'em fight,
let 'em fight!
(punching)
I'm shuttin'
the studio down.
(record scratch)
The only way I could
keep the studio open
is if y'all go out
and walk through
northern New Jersey,
get me a set of
left-handed golf clubs.
I also need you to take
a picture with a midget,
holdin' these balloons.
(P. Diddy)
Take a picture with a midget,
holdin' these balloons
holdin' these balloons
you did it.
You went out, you found my man,
you found a midget, man,
and you got the pictures,
you got the golf clubs
here's the keys
to the studio.
Now, if y'all excuse me,
I'm goin' scuba diving with
Chris Tucker and Aquaman.
You be cool
giddyup.
(punching)
(Dylan)
What's happening?
We're supposed
to be a family.
What are you doing?
Not like this, man!
Y'all not
workin' like a team.
I gotta shut
the studio down, yo.
(record scratch)
All right, the only way I'll
open the studio up now,
y'all gotta walk uptown
to the Bronx
and get breast milk from
a Cambodian immigrant.
I only drink the finest
breast milks.
Go out there and
milk a Cambodian.
It's 100% Cambodian, yo.
It's the real shit.
(clink clink clink)
Breast milk
you made my
day-ayyy
not only am I gonna
open the studio up,
I'm sendin' you in there
with a legend.
That's right,
Wyclef, playboy.
No disrespect, I wanted to
work with Wyclef
more than I wanted
to work with Puff.
Yo, Dylan, you ready to
get it started, baby?
All right,
here we go.
(clears throat)
Bumbaclaat
bumbaclaat
bumba bumba bumbaclaat
a rump un tomp
a rump un ting
a rumpa tumpa tump
a rump un sting
I rip and I rhyme
I rhyme and I rip
'dis is the way
that Dylan spits
you you tryin' to get
some of this hot fire?
We can either make this song,
or not make this song.
You're too close, man!
You're too close, man!
Hey, you all
gonna choke a legend?
You don't think
I wann' choke people?
You can't just
choke all your problems.
This takes hard work.
If I had my way,
I'd never work.
I'd just stay home all day,
watch "Scarface" 50 times,
eat a turkey sandwich,
and have sex
all fuckin' day.
Then I'd dress up like a clown
and surprise kids at schools.
Then I'd take a dump in
the back of a movie theater,
and just wait,
'til somebody sat in it,
hear it squish.
That's funny to me.
Then I'd paint, and read,
and play violin.
I'd climb the mountains
and sing the songs
that I like to sing.
But I don't
got that kinda time.
Playboy
playboy.
You just gonna comb
your hair, playboy?
Sara, you just gonna talk up
all your anytime minutes?
Is this anytime?
Huh?
Babs, you just gonna sit there
and chop onions right now?
Good time to
chop onions?
Look at this nigga
you just gonna
do your taxes, Ness?
You just gonna sit there
and crunch numbers?
Huh, is that hot?
Is that what's goin' on in the
streets right now, your taxes?
All right, look
I got some good news and
I got some bad news, y'all.
The bad news is that I'm
shuttin' down the studio.
(record scratch)
The good news
is that I just saved a lot of
money on my car insurance.
Fonzworth!
Bring me a sandwich!
(Outkast's
"The Way You Move" plays)
He can fly, man.
He can fly,
he believes in himself.
Eh-eh, eh-eh, eh-eh.
(applause)
We gonna take a quick
commercial break, y'all.
Don't go nowhere,
we'll be right back with
more Chappelle's Show.
Chappelle's Show.
Oww.!
Hey, everybody, welcome back.
You know, folks, you ever be
watchin' a ball game,
and then these beer
commercials come on
and it just makes it seem like
dudes go out and drink beer,
and have the best time?
Let me tell you somethin'
about drinkin' beer.
Drinkin' beer brings the
animal out in somebody.
And I know alcohol companies
sponsor my show.
I ain't talkin'
about them.
Them shits are delicious.
I'm talkin' about the rest
of 'em, they go too far.
The ads are irresponsible.
Why don't they make
an honest commercial
that shows the animal
that beer brings out?
Like this.
Hey
what night is it, guys?
(all)
Dudes' night out!
Yeah!
Dudes, dudes, dudes
I don't know what
it is, you know?
Oh.
Yo, excuse me,
what are you?
Hey, man, what do you mean,
don't worry about it?!
I bought that bitch
a drink!
I don't play that!
Eh! eh!
Look out, Billy!
Oh! what?!
You think this is a game,
bl-yatch?!
This is dudes' night out!
Ahhhh!
Motherfucker!
Dudes' night out!
Only reason I'm cryin' is
'cause of the adrenaline.
Oh, no, man, no!
Dudes' night out!
(tinkling)
Dudes' night out!
Hey hey, little lady
y'all wanna
party wit' us?
Oh!
Oh, nigga,
that's a dude!
Shut the fuck up, Dave.
I am drunk,
and I am horny.
Hey, baby
Ha!
You're jealous, Dave!
(Dave)
No, don't do it!
Noooo!
Dudes' night out!
Let's go.
Let's get out of here.
Yo.
A mouth's a mouth, man.
What?
I'm out.
Billy,
what are you doin'?
Billy billy!
Ahh!
I'm just gonna
be a minute.
Hey, Steve!
Hey, you guys!
(billy) Yo, Tommy Tony
whatever your name is.
'Bye, Dave.
When it's dudes' night out,
it's got to be Schlipp's.
Hey, everybody, we're gonna
take a quick commercial break.
But don't go nowhere,
we'll be right back.
Okay!
Turn on your t.v.
What you gonna see
welcome back!
Welcome back
to Chappelle's Show.
Y'know, folks
I don't know about
any of you guys,
but I'm a parent,
all right?
There's a lot of wild things
goin' on in the world,
and it's very hard to explain
these things to your children.
That's all right, 'cause
tonight I'm going to help you.
I have created a show
that helps to explain
the evils of the world
to youth,
in a way that
they can understand
and that's
palatable to them.
And I hope you enjoy it.
Here it is.
(kiddie music)
Hey, everyone,
look what I found.
It's it's a dagger!
Wow!
Wow!
Whoa, that's not
a toy, there, Robert!
Bobble!
Hey, kids.
Hey, you better be careful when
you're handlin' those things.
That's not a dagger at all,
it's called a syringe.
People use it to inject
a drug called heroin
directly into
their bloodstream.
Why?
Probably because
you get higher that way
than sniffing it.
Bobble, why do
people get high?
Oh, very good question,
young lady.
For all kinds of reasons.
Some people think they need it
just to get through the day.
And some people
just like to party
and can quit
whenever they want.
Like me.
Dah!
Ohhh
eeeeyaahhh
uhh.
Kids, there are a lot of
double standards
about drugs
in this country.
(music starts)
Kids, it's time
to keep it real
life is hard
and I can't deal
I know it looks
a certain way
but people get high
every day
some people do it
with cigarette smokin'
others treat their headaches
with ibuprofen
your grandpa talks
about self-respect
and then he takes drugs
to keep his cock erect
but it's all
drugs to me
it's all drugs to me
(moans)
That junk's
kickin' in, kids.
It feels like I have a million
teeny tiny kitty cats
rubbing my balls,
as I skeet skeet skeet
all over the walls!
Ah ha ha haaa!
Lemme bring
this bitch home.
They're all
drugs
to
meeeee
I'm going to
the emergency room.
Bye-bye, kids.
You see, kids, always
throw away your trash.
Uhh.
I'm fuckin' dyin', man!
Hey!
(kids)
It's Stinky the Grom.
Fuck you, too.
What's wrong,
Stinky?
Besides livin'
in a trash can
and havin' a syringe lodged
in my fuckin' head,
nothin', I guess.
Where are your parents,
anyway?
My mommy and
daddy are at work.
Oh, yeah?
Well, me, I gave up workin'
a long time ago.
Don't give up, Stinky!
My dad says, if you never
give up, and work hard,
all your dreams
will come true.
That's the gayest shit
I ever heard.
What?
(music starts)
I don't believe
yo' pappy
he may be rich
but he ain't happy
tells you 'bout work
and you want to be him
but when's the last time
you got to see him?
He works hard, why?
So you can go out
and buy
a bunch of shit
that you don't need
driven by your
punk-ass hopes and greed
that's why
I say
fuck it
for the first time
in my life
I'm finally free
no mansion for me
I said "fuck it"
no brand new Humvee
I say "fuck it"
but you'll get
no pussy
fuck it
what you don't
understand
is I make love
to my hand
so I don't
need you, honey
I beat my dick
like it owes me money
fuck it
that's right,
I said fuck it.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'm gonna go and make me
a nice feces sandwich.
Look, it's Dangle!
And, hey,
you're Chris Rock!
It's Dave Chappelle, but
close enough.
Where are
you guys going?
Well, Dangle's
not feeling well,
so I'm taking him
to the doctor.
What's wrong, Dangle?
Actually,
it's my penis.
What's that?
(unzipping)
(kids)
when I pee-pee
it burns like hell.
I have what's known as
a "venereal disease."
How did you get it?
From fuckin'.
I got so much puppet ass,
it could be from anywhere!
What's the
sickness called?
I'm not sure, Robert.
That's why we're
going to the doctor.
There's a lot of different kinds
of penis sicknesses out there.
Isn't that right, Q-Tip?
That's right, Dave.
All kinds.
Sex isn't wrong
but you gotta be right
if you're hitting the sheets
then wrap it up tight
listen up, kids
'cause I ain't jokin'
one bad decision
your dick will
be smokin'
you'll catch a VD
But don't take it from me
(sizzling)
Oh, hello, Dave Chappelle,
haven't seen you for a while.
What's it been,
two months?
Dirty motherfucker!
Oh
here come the crabs.
The crabs
oh yes.
The crab
the crabssss
ole!
This nigga's a freak.
I'm the herpes
the herpes
see you in hell,
motherfuckers.
Ooh, baby,
I like it raw.
Oh, gosh.
Wow, life is hard.
Nah, it's not, Lisa.
All right, look,
if you just remember
to keep your genitals
outta harm's way,
don't chase money,
and refrain from littering
you'll be a winner!
(kids cheering)
Q-Tip, take us home!
Come on, kids!
It's a VD day
VD day
a VD day
it's a VD day
VD day
a VD day
we're gonna take a quick
commercial break.
VD is in the house,
what's up, VD?
We'll be right back with
more Chappelle's Show.
Chappelle's Show.
Better not
bring your kids.
(applause)
Ladies and gentlemen,
tonight's musical guest,
the voice of Dangle,
none other than
Snoop Doggy Dogg!
Yeah, what up
who let this motherfuckin'
basehead on stage?
Hit this
motherfucker, G!
Nah, man,
I can't do that shit.
What?!
I been dealin' here
for five months,
and he ain't hit the pipe
in front of me yet!
So what you sayin'?
I'm sayin',
I think you 5-0.
5-0?
Nigga, I ain't 5-0.
Well then, hit this
motherfucker, then!
I can feel it!
Have to show this nigga I ain't
no motherfuckin' police
I'm a take you
on a ride, Tyrone.
Check this out, nigga.
Creep with me as I crawl
through the 'hood
maniac, lunatic
call 'em Snoop Eastwood
kickin' dust
as I bust fuck peace
and, the motherfuckin'
punk police
you already know I gives
a fuck about a cop
so why in the fuck would you
think that it would stop?
Plot, hell yeah
that's what I'm about to do
take your ass on a mission
with the boys in blue
Dre what up, Snoop
yo I got the feelin'
tonight's the night
like Betty Wright
and I'm chillin'
killin', feelin'
no remorse, yeah
so let's go straight to
the motherfuckin' source
and see what we can find
crooked-ass cops that pop us
and give us a gang of times
and now they wanna
make a deal with me
scoop me up
and put me on they team
and chill with me
and make my pockets bigger
they want to meet with me
tonight at 7:00
so whassup nigga?
What you wanna do?
What you
tryin' to do?
I got the gauge, my uzi
and your motherfuckin'.22
so if you wanna blast
nigga, we can buck 'em
if we stick 'em then we
stuck 'em so fuck 'em
I said, yeah
and you don't stop
'cause it's 1-8-7 on
a motherfuckin' rock
yeah, and you don't stop
'cause it's 1-8-7 on
the motherfuckin' rock
on the
motherfuckin' rock?
1-8-7 on the
motherfuckin'
rock
that's how I do.
I can't
put you on that one.
(applause)
Like to thank my guest,
Snoop Dogg.
I'd like to thank
venereal diseases,
and the kids
and everybody.
And I'd like to thank you
at home for watchin'.
I will see you next week.
I'm rich
bi-yatch!
(honk honk)
Hi, thank you!
I have what's known as a
sexually transmitted disease.
(man)
How'd you get it?
From fuckin'.
(laughs)
(clink clink
clink clink)
Breast milk
(laughs)