Code Monkeys (2007) s02e10 Episode Script

1
Code Monkey like Fritos ♪
Code Monkey like Tab
and Mountain Dew ♪
- Aah
-Code Monkey ♪
Very simple man ♪
- Yee-ha!
- With big warm
fuzzy secret heart ♪
- Aah
Code Monkey like you ♪
- Ha ha!
- Aah
- Code Monkey like you ♪
- Aah
- Code Monkey like you ♪
- Aah!
Dave: I love you, whores!
Larrity: As y'all can see
from the banner behind me
that says, "Happy manhood!"
this here's
a very special day.
Dave: Jerry lost his virginity?
Congratulations, dude!
You did it!
Jerry: No, I didn't.
I mean, I--I did
a long time ago.
Dave: Oh, really?
What was his name?
Larrity: Zip it! Today ain't
about you two ass bags.
It's about a special little
guy named Benny.
Come over here,
you corpse-eating summbitch.
Benny: Why you throw me
a manhood party, old man?
You always say first dead hooker
when boy becomes a man.
Larrity: That's true.
There's different ways
to measure manhood--
dead hookers
and good, old-fashioned
calendar years.
Today, Benny, you're 7.
Benny's 7 years old?
Oh, I'm old as [beep].
Larrity: And before you cross
that bridge
into manland forever,
we got one more piece
of boyhood fun.
Todd: Please let me down.
My neck cannot
take this weight load.
Larrity: Piñatas
don't talk, boy. Hyah!
Todd: Ooh! Demon dogs
right in my sun sword.
Larrity: Hey, everybody.
Do I gots
the best demographic-specific
game tester
a man could hope for or what?
Clare: Whatever.
Steve: Or.
Larrity: Today, you're a man,
and it's time to go away.
Benny: Where you going,
Mr. Larrity, to grave?
May I have honor
of killing you?
Larrity: No, boy. When I die,
it's gonna be by my own hand
just like my granddaddy.
It's you that's going
somewhere today.
Jump in the Caddy.
I gots a surprise for you!
Benny: Wha! Ohh! Hyah! Hyah!
Todd: Aah!
Dave: Want to see a magic trick?
Hand me that giant bag
of stuff I got you.
Now watch it disappear.
Jerry: Dude, that was
my only weed.
Todd: If I die in this noose,
please pull my pants down
and claim it was
autoerotic asphyxiation.
I want mother to know that
I died nobly.
Benny: I'm dumping my first
hooker, honorable father?
Larrity; No, Benny.
The gift I'm giving you
is better than a dead,
naked whore
if you can believe that.
It's a little thing I like
to call freedom.
Benny: What, you set Benny free?
You gonna shoot me in the back?
Larrity: No, boy. It's just
that at 7 years old
you leave the demographic
my game company targets
with its inappropriate
video games.
It ain't that I don't
like you, Benny.
It's just that I got
no more use for you.
Hyah! Man, that ejector seat
really pays for itself.
Well, wax my boobies,
put a wig on my pecker,
and call me Richard Simmons!
How the hell did you get back?
Benny: You never get rid
of Benny.
I'm worse than your herpes.
Larrity: What? Hey, Benny.
Hey. Shh.
Shut your mouth, boy.
I hope nobody heard that.
Dave: I might be high,
but you look like Todd,
only gayer and fatter.
I said, "gayer," right?
Jerry: I see it, too.
Holy [beep]!
Shared hallucinations.
Dave, maybe we're meant to be
more than just friends.
I'm just kidding of course.
Todd: Chris, what are you
doing here?
I didn't know you were
back in town.
Chris: Todd, mi hermano,
I missed you, buddy.
Dave: Holy [beep]!
Everybody get in here!
Todd has a lover,
and he's bilingual,
and it's one of those
creepy relationships
where they dress
and look the same
like lesbians with penises.
Ohh! Hisbians! No.
Boysbian. Damn it!
There has to be a word for this.
Steve: When I said, "Go [beep]
yourself," Todd,
I didn't expect you to
give birth.
Clare: Are you another one
of Todd's rent-a-friends?
He's gonna go broke.
Todd: Can you let me down?
Steve: With pleasure.
Todd: Ugh!
Chris: You OK, brother?
Mary: Brother?
Chris: Yes. Toddios is
my little brother.
Dave: Oh, my God.
Todd is dating his brother!
They are lesbros.
Oh, that word's awesome.
I am a genius.
Larrity: Who ordered
the big, gay juggler?
Todd: He's not a juggler,
but it's true.
He's my brother,
and he thinks it's cool
to deliver papers on a unicycle.
What a nerd, right?
Larrity: Is that so?
Well, he's right.
It is cool, damn it!
What's your beat, unitard?
Chris: My route is the world,
the Himalaya, the Mojave,
the Amazon, Detroit,
downtown San Jose.
I've ridden it all in my day.
Larrity: Hot damn!
That is fascinating!
You ever wrote an autobiography,
you know, something inspiring
like, uh--
like "Yes I Can"
by Sammy Davis Jr.
Todd: I can assure you, sir,
that Chris' actual life
as a paper boy is nowhere
near as interesting
as my own life as a scientist
of the imagination!
Mary: Todd, shut up!
Your voice is killing
my crotch eggs.
Dave: Dude, I've got
a great idea.
Why doesn't GameaVision make
a game about Chris?
I think Todd would
really like that.
Todd: That is the opposite
of what I would like?
Larrity: Good idea, Davey!
We're making a game
about this one-wheeled
news jockey,
and that's that,
and, Fatty, you're
the lead developer.
Chris: I'd love to stay and work
with my little bro,
but games are Todd's
domain, so
Todd: Yes, it would be
a horrible intrusion.
Steve: I'll show
you a horrible intrusion!
Dave: Mr. Larrity, is this or
is this not a family business?
Incest is best, right?
Larrity: If I had a sister,
I'd bang the hell out of her,
and I've spilled enough blood
to know
that it's thicker than water
and a good mixer with Scotch.
Chris: Family should come first.
Larrity: Yes! Unitard news boy
is happening,
more for sure than the mortician
nailed Marilyn Monroe.
Now get out of my way, dummies.
I gots to dump an orphan
off in the woods,
and that ain't no poop joke.
Here you go, kiddo.
Benny: Oh, boy!
A sausage necklace for Benny!
Larrity: You bet,
and right over there
in the woods is a real live
teddy bear,
and I heard he [beep]
cotton candy.
Benny: Oh, thank you,
great leader Larrity.
[Tires squealing]
[Bears growling]
Oh! It's all like
Donkey Kong, bitch.
Don't you fools know all
Korean food tastes like [beep]?
Dave: Unh, unh, unh!
Take it, candy machine.
Voila! My chocolate loin stick.
Todd: Dave, Jerry,
there you are.
May I confide in you?
Jerry and Dave: No.
Todd: the problem is
my brother Chris.
Dave: Todd, shut up!
Todd: I know this will be
difficult for you to believe,
but for some reason,
Mother loves him more
than she loves me
even though I am the one
who has washed
her gray valley lo
the past 5 years.
Dave: Todd, that was
your fault because
you grossed Jerry out.
Todd: There's nothing but beauty
in her folds and crevices
and maybe some lint
and sometimes loose change,
and I'm afraid that if Chris
stays here now
I will lose my place
in Mother's affections forever.
Dave: Jerry, let's tag team
the machine
and see what happens.
Todd: Thank you for listening.
Dave: Anytime.
Benny: Thank you for the bears.
They were "beary" good.
Ha ha ha! Hoo hoo hoo!
I left the best part for you,
great white samurai.
Korean tradition say
you eat them
you will see the future.
Larrity: I seen it, boy,
and you ain't in it.
Get over here right now, Benny!
I'm gonna get you.
Come on!
Jerry: Hey, Todd's brother.
Dave: Dude, you ever been
to Lake Titicaca? Ha ha ha!
Chris: Ho ho ho!
You sad, dumb bastards,
of course I have.
I rode across it
on a local ped boat called
a Peruvian steamer.
Dave: I'm so high,
you seem awesome
even though you're related
to Todd.
I know why your mother
loves you better than him.
Todd: David, no!
You were my confidant.
Dave: Dude, good luck.
I've been trying for years,
and I still can't make it reach.
I missed the entire ninth grade
with a fractured neck.
Unh! I want me inside me
so bad. Unh!
Jerry: Is Todd having
a seizure?
Jerry: No, no.
He's self-soothing.
He's fine. It's common
among autistics
and children with Asperger's.
Dave: [Beep] ass burger!
Chris: It got worse
when I left to roam
Mother Earth's thighs
on my uni.
Todd: Chris, no one wants
to be bored
by your boring stories
of world travel
and exotic conquests!
Dave: Hey. Guess what.
They're better
than your lame-mouth talk,
ass burger.
Chris: Guys, lay off my brother.
While he does reek
of cheese and bad ideas,
he's a totally hip cat
in my book.
Dave: Hey, man.
You are so cool.
Hey. You want to go
huck stuff at cars?
Chris: Yeah. Let's do it.
Larrity: "And then I gave
my followers
"important words to live by.
I said, 'If you're gonna
do something, do it well
and leave something with you.'"
Benny: Read some more
Charles Manson story,
Mr. Larrity!
Make Benny so warm and sleepy.
Larrity: Oh, it's go time,
you little Szechuan sweetie.
Benny: Wakeup time!
You got me good, Mr. Larrity!
Ha ha ha!
Here I come, Mr. Larrity!
Chris: Ahem. All right,
little brother.
Now see, I set up
this unicycle park
so you can get an idea of what
my intricate movements are
for the game.
Todd: This isn't
necessary at all.
Let's go inside.
Clare: What's going on?
Chris: We're just doing
some research,
my good and sexy lady.
Clare: Ha! You're just like
Tony Hawk, only bigger.
Chris: Oh, yes, yes,
much bigger,
especially
in the old baby maker,
the old sausage factory,
downstairs
in the old peeny basement,
if you know what I mean.
Todd: We get it!
Now that you know
what we're doing,
go back inside!
Dave: [Beep] you, Todd!
Chris: Don't worry, Todd.
I'm like a fine mayonnaise.
I spread deliciously,
and everyone may have a taste.
There's enough Sir Christopher
for everyone!
Jerry: Wow! His toss is
so accomplished.
Dave: Not as accomplished
as my toss. Heh heh heh.
Larrity: Deano, I think I
finally shook Benny.
Dean: Awesome.
I like to shake girls.
I shake girls like this!
Shake them really hard!
What's up?
Benny: That's a good one,
Mr. Larrity.
Now I got sushi. You want some?
Larrity: Whoa!
Benny: Ha ha!
I'm just kidding.
You no touch!
Larrity: That Korean has
Wang Chunged me
for the last time.
Dean: Yo, Dad,
when I was little,
you used to say you should
have had me adopted.
Larrity: And now I'm finally
glad nobody wanted you
because you're
a gosh darn genius!
We gots to get Benny adopted.
Dean: Did you hear that?
My dad thinks I'm a genus,
a group of organisms that share
a common characteristic.
What's up?
Clare: I can't believe
you hit a doormat
from 100 yard away.
Chris: That's not all
I can hit.
Unicycling really works
the mula bandha.
Clare: I've always wanted
to date a newsboy.
It's so hot.
Todd: So you think it's hot
that Chris was breastfed
until he was 8?
How hot's that, hmm?
Chris: Yes. Well, I do know
my way around a nipple.
Todd: He pooped his pants
at the Christmas pageant!
Pooper!
Chris: I was 8 months old.
I played the baby "Yay-zeus."
Clare: Oh, my God.
You're an actor?
Todd: I've pooped my pants
many times,
several times actually.
In fact, I'm pooping
my pants right now.
Anyone up for a changing?
Dave: Gah! I'm out of paper.
Something in here must work
as a pipe.
Nice. Just like using an apple,
but it tastes like
bear thoughts.
Jerry: I'm taking a hit
from a bear's head.
Man, I really have to get
my life together.
Benny: Why you stupids
talk so stupid?
Jerry: Aah! Did you hear that?
The bear's still alive!
Benny: I'm right here,
stupid Jerry!
Why you scream like a girl?
Dave: What are you doing
in here, dude?
Benny: Benny gonna get
adopted,
live with some family.
So sad now.
I don't know what to do.
Dave: Scare the potential
parents away, man.
Benny: How?
Jerry: Just be yourself.
Dave: Yeah. You're terrifying.
Creepy, little Asian kids
are always scary.
Chris: There I was,
a rabid dog to my left,
sprinkler system to my right.
What do you sacrifice,
a leg or the news?
It may seem like a tough choice,
but I had a job to do.
Todd: Oh, what a hero!
Blah, blah, blah!
Jerry: A hero? Heh. No. No.
I'm just a man
with some crazy ideas
about honor and duty.
You must feel the same way
about programming.
I mean, when you look
in the mirror,
don't you just feel good?
Todd: If you must know, only
when I am dressed as She-Ra.
Now let's just finish
the game, Chris!
Chris: Howa bout we make
level two
about delivering papers
in India?
Because I've got some
great stories
about a talking tiger
and a bear that sang to me,
and--and I even have a story
about a monkey king.
Todd: Very well. I will
immortalize you.
Excellent. Bwa ha ha ha!
Chris: Look.
We're laughing together.
We're brothers! Ha ha ha!
Come here. Hug me.
Todd: Stop it.
I'm laughing alone.
Larrity: Woody and Mia,
I am so glad
y'all cames to look at my Asian.
Woody: I' think there's
been some mistake.
This cage contains a boy.
Mia: He's darling.
What's wrong with a boy?
Woody: How am I supposed to
marry a boy when he grows up?
Mia: What?
Woody: Heh. It was a joke.
Benny: Ha ha ha!
You lose, old man!
Todd: All right, everyone,
gather round.
Steve: We are gathered,
you idiot!
Todd: I present to you
Paperman: The Oracle.
In my game, the paperboy Chris
is threatened
by people and animals
hell-bent on killing him.
Survival is highly unlikely.
Come, Chris. Try the game.
Chris: First play.
I am deeply honored, sir.
Todd: Ha ha! Die,
paper idiots, die!
Mary: Let me try.
This is insanely hard.
Larrity: Finally, a game
that's got some meat to it.
Chris: Great work, Todd.
Todd: What do you mean?
Your precious Paperman is dead.
Do you hear me? Dead!
I killed him!
Chris: Exactly. It's dangerous
just like my life.
It--it's faster than
the jai alai
I played in the mountains
of Portugal
and more thrilling
then the boomerang mouth catch
I played with aborigines.
Clare: I love you, Chris!
Feel me up!
Larrity: Good job, Chris.
This game's gonna be huge!
Clare: Whoo-hoo!
Jerry: Yeah! You're great!
Todd: Chris? This game is mine!
Clare: People everywhere
are finally going to know
the name Chris.
Todd: You mean Todd!
People everywhere are gonna
know the name Todd!
Larrity: Fatty, you're just
the magician.
Chris is the real magic,
and to send this game off right,
I'm gonna have Chris do
a demonstration to promote it.
Dave: Wow!
Clare: I love you, Chris!
Todd: I'll show you magic.
Sweltered venom
sleeping blot,
boil their first
encharmed pot! Ugh!
Clare: Eww!
Dave: Aw, Todd!
Steve: Nasty!
Clare: It smells fat, too!
Jerry: Ha ha ha! Ahh.
[Coughing]
Todd: Yes! That's right.
Run from my deadly spell.
Chris: Gosh. I'm nervous
about the demo tomorrow.
I mean, being a role model
is a big responsibility.
Todd: Yes, yes.
Huge responsibility,
so I have prepared a present.
Please look in the closet.
Chris: Oh! Ho ho ho! Come on.
You didn't have to give
me a present.
Todd: Look in the closet!
Look in the closet!
Chris: Wow. Your doll collection
is huge.
Uh, why is this one
wearing Mommy's panty hose?
Ow! Jeez! Oh, my God.
Something accidentally
fell on my head.
Todd: Yes. It--it must have
fallen from the ceiling,
and it's falling again.
Chris: Aah! Ohh!
My non-wooden leg! Todd!
Todd: Yes. Are you dying?
Chris: Todd--ohh--
there are people out there
who expect a demo.
Now the paperboy creed is "Never
disappoint a customer."
Agh! Todd, you will
have to do the demo for me.
- Err! Ow!
- Impossible.
Chris: Please, Todd!
There's only one person
in the world I can trust
with the most important thing
in my life--my sack!
Todd: You would let me
hold your sack.
Chris: Oh, silly.
You're my only brother.
Of course I would let you
hold my sack.
Todd: I've always dreamed
of your sack
slung across my shoulder.
Chris: Of course you have.
Why, we're brothers, aren't we?
[Sobbing]
I love you!
Todd: If I do the demo,
then all eyes will be on me,
and perhaps Mother will let me
move back into her room.
I'll do it!
Give your one-wheeled steed.
Chris: Ohh!
Larrity: Steven Spielberg,
glad you saw my ad.
I figured you'd pay top dollar
for a real life China baby.
How you been, amigo?
Spielberg: Good but not great.
Got a hot actress
for my next movie--
totally going to nail her.
That's the good,
but I'm having a heck
of a time finding
the right Asian kid.
That's the not great.
Larrity: Stevie, I am
the answer to all
your funny talk Jewish prayers.
Spielberg: Hey, kid.
Can you say,
"Hey, lady.
Call him Dr. Jones."
Benny: Hey, lady.
Call him Dr. Jone.
Hey, la--what's
the first part?
Spielberg: Liking him,
not loving him.
I have to feel it right here.
Larrity: In your ass?
Spielberg: In my wallet,
which is in my ass.
Benny: Ooh! "Color Purple"
blew donkey balls!
Spielberg: OK. Not even
liking him anymore.
Larrity: Dang it, Benny.
I thought I told you
to behave!
Benny: Benny do a lot
of bad things
in his short life,
but I cannot lie
about "Color Purple."
That's where Benny
draw the line.
Larrity: I gots to go out
and start
the dang old festivities,
but this adoption thing
ain't over.
Boy: Hey. Do you think
Chris will sign
my copy of
the "Sunnyvale Herald"?
Larrity: Shut up, kid,
or I'll sign the sidewalk
with your face!
Now where in the hooker's purse
is that Chris?
Clarence: I want to see
what he can do ♪
With that third leg ♪
Clare: I hope he's all right.
I want to lose
my virginity to him.
Mary: Come on!
Clare: My other one.
The second one.
Jerry: Chris, what happened?
Dave: You mugged an old lady
for a wheelchair, right,
and then you put your legs
in fake casts
so people would roll you
to chocolate milk?
You are a genius, dude.
Chris: No. I--
Todd: Look, everyone!
It's I Todd. Venerate me!
[Booing]
That's right. Ooh! Ooh!
Tooood!
Chris: You can do it,
my man Todd !
Todd: Damn it!
Boy: This sucks!
Todd: I'm getting
the hang of it.
[Ding]
Victory! I am
the paperman now.
Chris: Watch it. Fireballs!
Todd: Shut up!
Foul reptile, I'm trying to
deliver you paper.
You need the news!
Thank you.
Aw! He's chewing me
because I'm delicious.
Chris: I have to save
my little bro.
Clare: No, Chris, wait.
You're hurt,
and no one cares about Todd.
Chris: Uh, I care
about Todd.
[Ding]
Todd: Ohh! Go away.
I do not need saving.
Chris: But you're being
eaten alive, my brother.
Todd: Look at them.
They love you.
What do I have to live for?
Just let me die here,
but get Mother so she can
watch me expire.
Chris: No way, buddy.
Whoo, whoo! Here we go!
Watch this. Whoo-hoo!
Loop-the-loop!
Todd: Stop showboating!
Dave: This isn't as much fun
now that Todd's not dying,
or maybe the weed's wearing off.
Jerry: Now that is a problem
we can solve.
Dave: But we're out of weed.
Jerry: If you use an apple
for a pipe,
you eat the apple.
If you use a bear head
for a pipe, you do what?
Dave: Jerry, sometimes, I do not
give you enough credit, man.
I don't think this is working.
Jerry: Agh! I just bit a tooth!
Chris: Hi, everyone. Come on
gather around, everybody,
even the people I don't know
or care about.
I just want to say that this
has been one
of the most amazing weeks
of my life.
I had a game made about me,
and my brother and I
grew closer,
and I showed my love
by saving him from an alligator,
but unfortunately, my home
is on the road.
Dave: We're gonna miss you, man.
You make being fat
and in a wheelchair
pretty awesome.
Chris: Dave, do me a favor.
Go easy on Todd.
Mother screwed him up bad,
really bad.
Dave: No can do.
I have too much respect
for you to lie to you.
It's gonna get worse
for Todd, much worse.
Now if you'll excuse me,
I'm going to lube
Todd's keyboard and molest it
with my wang stick.
Todd: Ugh!
Chris: All right.
Well, that's it for me.
Good-bye, all. Hyah!
Come on! Hyah! Hyah! Hyah!
Can somebody give me a jump?
Larrity: Now, Benny,
I owe you one heck
of a doggone apology.
Benny: You're just
a bad person, Mr. Larrity.
You can't help it.
Larrity: Well, I'm just glad
I took another glance
at that memo
about the demographic.
The top age for the crap
I make ain't 7, Benny.
It's 17!
Benny: Pfft! You talking
about another 10 years
of this [beep]?
Larrity: At least 10 more,
kiddo,
and that's cause
for a real manhood celebration.
Have a cigar!
Dean, wheel her in!
Sorry this ain't no lady, Benny,
but this only dead prostitute
I could come up with
on short notice.
Man: I'm not dead.
I just ODed.
Larrity: You're safe now, son.
You're safe.
Benny: Is it OK to poke it
with a stick?
Larrity: Poke away, boy.
Benny: Whee!
This manhood is awesome!
Fantastic!
Larrity: Dang it!
There has got to be
a lesson in here somewhere.
Well, I guess it's like
that fist-sized diamond
I keistered out of Johannesburg.
Buried it so deep,
I never saw it again.
Benny: You crazy old
son of a bitch!
Larrity: I love you, too, son.
Benny: When you die, Benny
taking out that diamond
with a switchblade.
Larrity: I hope you do, boy.
I hope you do.
[Elephant trumpets]
Chris: Downstairs
in the old peeny basement.