Comic Book Men s02e10 Episode Script

It says here that if the Avengers had that fight That they had in Manhattan in the movie Uh-huh.
$160 billion worth of damage.
- Wow.
- Who pays for it? Like, who's responsible for the 160 billion? Well, I mean, maybe they go after Stark, Since he's in the public eye.
But I mean, who has the cajones To be saved by the Avengers, And then to sue them for saving them? I mean, let's say the Rhino and Iron Man are fighting.
They crush your car.
He saved you, but your car is gone now.
You had no insurance, you have nothing.
I'm driving around without insurance? I mean Okay.
In this fictional world, let's assume that's true.
Hello, and welcome to another episode of Comic Book Men, The only show that delivers the mail To Willie Lumpkin.
- I'm your host, Kevin Smith.
- Bryan Johnson.
- Walt Flanagan.
- Mike Zapcic.
Ming Chen.
So what's been going on this week? Something really weird, Really badass came into the store the other day.
I'm intrigued.
- Here you go.
- Thank you.
Thank you.
Have a great afternoon.
- Hi.
- How's it going? - Good.
- I have something I wanted to bring by.
- Oh, my god! - See if you'd be interested.
No way! - Wolverine claws, right? - Wolverine claws.
Now, wait a minute, wolverine doesn't have bones and skulls-- - Zombie Wolverine claws.
- Even better.
So this is not licensed, then-- Wolverine claws.
No.
No, it's not licensed.
It still looks badass, right? Is that real metal, like - Oh, yeah.
- Where'd you get this? There's this web site I ran across that has all kind Of weird, crazy stuff.
I saw it, and I was, like, "man, that is neat.
" This is dangerous, man.
Why would you want to sell it at a comic book store? It sounds like a legitimate weapon.
I mean, it is.
I mean, it is truly something that-- Like, you could take care of business with this thing.
Somebody gets in the store and gets a little frustrated, They could just pop the claws and stick, stick, stick.
Try it on.
Be careful.
Do you feel like Logan-- Weapon X? Yes, I-I do.
Do you think you can go hunting with that? You against nature.
You go out and try To bag a deer with just those claws I mean, I'd have to chase down the deer.
- I think maybe something slower.
- Like a sloth or something? No, not a sloth, but like a moose, maybe.
A moose would crush you, even with those things.
Wolverine versus Freddy.
Who wins? I think, hands down, it's Wolverine, man.
Unless Freddy Krueger has some backup help From Edward Scissorhands.
Then you've got a two-on-one claw fight.
- Edward Scissorhands? - Yeah, he had claws for hands.
He had kind of claw things going on.
Didn't he use 'em to cut women's hair and bushes? Hey, hey, hey.
We call them "pubic regions.
" - Why are you selling it? - When I got it, The dog saw it, and she freaked out.
And now every time I kind of bring it out, She's hiding underneath the table for a good day.
All right, so what are you looking to get for the claws? Uh, about 60 bucks.
I don't know.
it's kinda almost like What you would quote, unquote, call a "knock-off.
" It is a nice knock-off, But any way you slice it, it's still a knock-off.
What? Dude Dude, watch where you point those things.
Would you take $30 for it? I'd do $45.
MmYeah Meet me in the middle.
$37.
Even $40.
I like even numbers.
Sticked! All right, we'll do $40 on it.
All right.
Can we shake on it, like that? All right, guys, top ten robots of all time.
Division? I was thinking more, maybe, Lost in Space robot.
What are you laughing at? He's at the top of your list? The danger--danger-- Danger, Walt Flanagan.
Danger.
Nothing you could be talking about That is more important than this right now.
You've been here, man-- readies? I have.
And? There are 97 sandwiches on here, right? All named after businesses, streets - Okay.
- Guess what's not on here.
What? - Secret Stash.
- Wow.
Whoa, that's-- man, what a slap in the face.
You know this dude? I mean, I've seen him.
He knows us.
He must not know us.
Why aren't we on the menu, then? Call him.
Tell him we want a sandwich on the menu.
We're a fixture in town.
We've been here for 15 years.
Why not us? Why can't we have a sandwich? Totally.
I think there's an old sandwich club.
You know, you gotta know somebody Smells like sandwich illuminati to me.
The Flash of Two Worlds.
I was looking for $450.
Let's pretend $50 is worth $1,000.
What do we gotta do to get on the menu? Why don't you guys make the sandwich? A sandwich competition? So every sandwich that readies sells They name after a business in town.
But somehow, we're not represented - On the sandwich pool.
- Exactly.
So I called him over.
I'm like, "come over.
Now.
We gotta talk to you.
" - You called? - Tom, what's happening? - What's happening, brother? - Hey.
- Hey, how you doing? - Good.
Good.
We just wanted to call you over And maybe talk a little bit about your menu And its startling omission.
- The Secret Stash.
- The Secret Stash.
As if you didn't know.
What do we gotta do to get on the menu? Is there some sort of selection committee - We gotta go in front of? - It's all me.
It's all you? So why don't you guys make the sandwich? - What are your thoughts? - Like a sandwich competition? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Let's do it.
- All right.
Me and Mike.
No, no, me and Mike.
Why you--no.
It's always you and Mike.
And it's always me and Bry.
This time, let's switch it up a little bit.
No, no.
I want Mike on my team.
- He's a trained chef.
- Oh, okay, all right.
You figured me out.
All right.
He was a chef 15 years ago.
I know, but wait.
Let's hold on here a second.
He's a chef.
I don't even know what a sandwich looks like, Basically.
- What? - I've never eaten a sandwich.
See, I thought, here's a guy who is pure.
There is nothing inside him that is, like, "well, a sandwich has to be this.
" He's got no corned beef agenda.
You know what? Screw it.
Yeah, let's do it.
Me and you against you and Ming.
- Cool.
- And how about you judge The sandwiches, then? Seems apropos.
And whatever one that tastes the best And looks the best, that becomes That becomes the Secret Stash superhero.
- Hey, guys, how are you? - How you doing? I brought you something I thought you might - Be interested in.
- Flash of Two Worlds.
The golden age Flash meets the silver age Flash.
The Flash of one world is boring enough.
Why do they need two? This is great because it introduced to D.
C.
Comics The concept of a multiverse.
There wasn't just one Earth that this guy was on.
There was another Earth that this guy lived on.
I always thought the Flash was so cool Because he was always so forthright, honest.
- You know - Straightlaced.
- Are you straightlaced? - What can I tell you? I'm an attorney.
It doesn't get more straightlaced, right? You gotta follow so many rules, right? Why don't you let your hair down today, let's get crazy.
Let's smoke some crack.
I don't think I'd-- Am I in the right place? No.
What kind of law do you practice? I do defense work.
Civil defense work.
You're an ambulance chaser.
No, no.
I hope you're not gonna try To pull out some sort of vial of fluid, Squirt it on the floor at the Stash here today.
No, no.
My back! My neck! My neck and my back! No! It's fun to roast a customer Every once in a while.
You have to have the perfect storm, as they say.
You've gotta have a customer come in that, you know, You could tell, you know, You could play around with a little bit.
And if you also have an item That you really don't care about.
That's a big part of it.
All right, all kidding aside, What are you looking for for the statue today? I was looking for $450.
- Okay.
- Keep looking.
Maybe on Earth II we'd sell this for $450.
Let's pretend we're on Earth II.
Okay.
What do you think we could do with this? Let's pretend, on Earth II, $50 is worth $1,000.
- Oof, no, no.
Now - No? $60? No.
I can go down to $400.
Here's what you do.
You take it outside, Throw it through the windshield of your car, Collect the insurance money, don't get the windshield fixed.
That's gonna give you way more Than you ever would have gotten here.
- You want me to commit fraud.
- Little bit of insurance fraud.
- Just a little bit.
- Come on, Like you haven't done it before? Not even thought about it.
Well, that is the best I could do.
So I think for now I'm just gonna probably Put it back in the garage.
All right, man.
Sorry.
You know, that's all right.
Thanks anyway, guys.
I appreciate it.
Take care.
Have a great day.
What are you gonna do, man? The very first appearance of Spider-Man.
I mean, they talk about key issues-- This is the keystone! When was the first time you saw Star Wars? Two weeks into its initial run.
My mom came home about a month or two before it came out, And she goes, "you're gonna love this movie that's coming out.
It's about a wolfman in outer space.
" And I was like, "I am gonna love that movie.
" Star Wars really changed everything for me.
It was the great social lubricant of its day.
Because of those figures, like, you'd wind up Playing with people you probably wouldn't have otherwise.
Like, I remember hanging out with John Kovic And Chris Dominguez in grammar school, And they were more athletes.
I didn't play any sports or anything.
But Star Wars was the common bond for us.
So even though-- - That friendship was doomed to failure.
Why? Why? You know, kids will still play football Into their teens.
And, you know, in their late teens, Most kids stop playing with their action figures.
Standing on the sidelines.
Don't tackle him, I've got a new Lando! - How you doing? - How you doing? Something here I think you might - Be interested in.
- Okay.
It's been a treasure here for a while.
Oh, my God.
And I think you might be interested.
The very first appearance of Spider-Man.
- Is this an original? - It is original.
It's the Stanley Cup of comic books, boys.
Oh, my God.
This pretty much ushered in The marvel age of comic books.
It was probably one of the first times That a superhero had major problems.
- Oh, yeah? - Yep.
Basically, nothing ever went right for Peter Parker.
And it spawned the neurotic superhero.
'cause he was basically Charlie Brown.
We have never had an Amazing Fantasy 15 Come to the door.
I mean, how many years have we gone And been like, "maybe today's the day"? Dude, nobody's gonna know this is yours If you don't write your name on it.
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! It must have been a nice book to see, man.
Oh, it was like being hit in the face With a web shooter.
When the guy pulled out-- - A comic book web shooter.
- Did you buy it off the stands? - No.
First birthday, took him to a comic show, Back in 1982.
The guy was anxious to sell this For about $65 or so.
After all these years, you're looking to try to sell it? Yeah, it takes a lot to part with it, But we think it might be time.
We have two granddaughters-- his two twins-- Going to parochial school Tuitions and things like that.
Home school 'em and keep the comic.
- All right, guys.
- What's your pric What are you asking for it? We're looking at about 18.
- $18,000? - $18,000? Would you mind if I brought somebody else in? Absolutely not.
He's kind of our guy that we go to When something comes in that's of significant value.
We brought Robert Bruce, the pop cultures expert, Just because, you know what? It doesn't happen every day where a book of this magnitude Walks through the door.
And, you know, he would have killed me If I didn't call him.
This is probably the greatest silver age comic book Ever created.
I mean, they talk about key issues-- This is the keystone That everything else Marvel was built upon.
What number would you put on it, though, In terms of a grade? The edges are sharp and clean.
There's not a lot a great deal of chipping.
There is a nice tear across the cover, unfortunately.
The tape really detracts from the overall condition.
Cgc graded, you're talking 2.
0.
I mean, if I was gonna buy this book personally, I would offer you $2,500.
I have to say that's very disappointing.
I probably could do a bit better than that Because it is so significant.
UmWould you do $3,000? How about, like, $8,500? OohUm I'm sorry, fellas.
That's more than the book is worth right now.
Okay.
I appreciate your guys' time For taking to look at it.
Maybe another time.
There you go, fellas.
- Good night.
- Good night, now.
That's, like, Stash history.
Well, no, history would have been if we got the book.
- You ready? - Yeah, let's go.
Let's make some magic.
Let's get our oil going.
Get that nice and hot.
All right, first, flour.
Very nice.
Chefy over here, you know you've got this thing Dead to rights 'cause you've cooked at a ret-rant.
Yes.
We went simple.
You know, what do people like? Fried chicken.
Go simple and tasty.
Be honest, though.
What did he contribute - To the whole sandwich? - I had the taste buds.
If that sandwich tasted like crap, I would have told him.
He made sure his butt was chapped beyond red.
"Ooh, that's a good sandwich! Ooh, that's a nice sandwich.
" This is real deal gourmet cooking.
Beautiful.
- What is that? - Secret ingredient.
Apple jam, which is oh, so delicious.
- Awesome.
- There we go.
The Secret Stash Superhero.
What kind of sandwich were you looking to make? We knew that these two squares were gonna go in And make something, you know, that the world has seen.
- Something dainty.
- Yeah, yeah.
Something safe.
So we wanted to go And make something anti-establishment.
The fight club of sandwiches.
Yes.
Smoked turkey, your ham, Roast beef, and your bacon.
Ooh, that's gonna make me vomit, bro.
Eww.
All right, well, you tell me.
What do you want to do first? I don't know.
Cut some bread.
What, are you bailing on me now? What, I can't touch this stuff, man.
What the hell do you need me to do? I told you, man, this is the strategy-- Outside the box.
You tell me, I'll put it together.
- Use it all.
- You want it all? Put it all on there, man.
Load that crap up.
I would not have thought of that.
- Really.
- Yeah.
It's genius.
You're right.
We'll put everything onto one sandwich, And that's it, right? - Booyah.
This is as close as we've ever had To a real, live superhero walk in here.
Gaze upon perfection.
- What's in there? - What's not in there, tom? - How you doing? - Hello.
I'm here to sell my Chewbacca.
Chewbacca, huh? Wow.
I've always been a wookiee fan.
So where'd you get this from? I won it at a costume contest and super-mega show.
I was dressed up as Captain America.
You were dressed-- you know what? You could handle a Captain America suit With those guns.
You go to a lot of costume contests? Um, no.
I do a lot of charity work.
Charity work dressed in the costume of Captain America.
- Yes, sir.
- What made you decide-- You're like, "I'm just gonna dress up And just start doing good deeds"? Growing up, I read a lot of comic books, Especially Captain America.
I got very into it.
I was bullied a lot as a child, and so I saw, like-- - Really? - Yeah.
- Like Steve Rogers.
- Yeah.
He's a strong role model to kids that were weak And became strong for other people.
You ever been inspired enough, Maybe to, like, say to yourself, "you know what? I'm gonna go out there and do-- I'm gonna go out on the real streets, the hard streets"? I have.
I was actually a police officer - In Massachusetts.
- No way.
- Mm-hmm.
- By far, this is as close As we've ever had to a real, live superhero Walking in here.
This guy was awesome, man.
He--he actually looked like a superhero.
Not only his actions were super-heroic, He had guns out to here.
Oh, he was a big dude.
And he was so super-respectful.
I mean, it was literally like talking to Steve Rogers, It felt like.
Sounds like one of those gentle giant types, man.
Big dude, but, like, comes across soft, like - You just want to hug the guy.
- Yes.
You just want to hug this lovable lug.
So you won this in the costume contest.
Yeah, and never touched it.
Never used it.
- Not a model man? - No, not at all.
I just left everything as is.
Okay.
And you're looking to sell it today? Yes, sir.
What are you looking for it for? Um, at least the face value.
I saw that it's worth, like $65.
At least that.
We're not really a model store, though.
You look around, we don't sell models, - And we don't have a lot of-- - You do now! Yes, sir.
Um, yeah, we just don't do models, though.
So I mean, I'd be interested in it, but not at $65, though.
I'm just throwing this number out there, Not to insult you, of course.
I have the utmost respect for you and what you do And how you dress and-- - But free.
- Oh "just give it to me.
" No, but I mean would you take $10 for it? Um, is there any way you can do $20? Just so I can get home.
- What? It cost me over $30 to get here.
Cap's losing money on this deal, thanks to you.
- I don't want Cap to walk home.
- What a patriot.
Yeah, I paid to come see you guys today.
You know what? I'll just go with $30.
If it was anybody else but Captain America In front of me right now They'd be walking out the door, Taking it on the arches? $30.
$30's good.
I didn't know that You were--okay.
Thank you.
Thank you very much, guys.
- I really appreciate it.
- It was an honor meeting you.
Thanks, man.
- Thanks a lot.
Guys, I think it's about time that the Secret Stash Has a sandwich on readies' menu.
Mike and Ming, can you unveil your creation? - Very nice.
- We went simple, tom.
Fried chicken with bacon, extra-sharp cheddar, - And apple jam.
- You got apple jam in there? I was a chef.
You're playing in my playground now, bitches.
I didn't think ming was allowed within 1,000 feet Of any playground.
Want me to get a bucket? Two buckets? One for each end? Okay, well, bryan, it's time to unveil The masterpiece.
Gaze upon perfection.
- What's in there? - What's not in there, Tom? The best of both worlds, in terms of bread.
We got portuguese on one side, - Semolina on the other.
- Two breads.
- You got your colby jack.
- Beautiful.
- Two cheeses in one.
- Two cheeses.
Two, count 'em.
You got your fried chicken, you got your grilled chicken.
Two chickens.
Double-fistin' chicken.
You got ham, and you got bacon, Roast beef, and your greensLettuce.
Get a good bite there, tom.
Go in for two.
There's two of everything.
You might as well take two bites.
Huh? Huh? - He's goin' in for one more! - Yeah! Thank you, guys.
I think I've come to a decision As to which sandwich is gonna be The Secret Stash Superhero.
And the winner is Mike and Ming.
- Yeah! Yeah! - Pbbbt! - You guys won.
- We won.
That's gotta be a huge day for you, Ming.
I imagine you called your parents.
"Hey, it finally happened! The bad boys got theirs!" Just like every good comic book mainly series, this is coming to an end.
Till then, I'm you host, Kevin Smith.
- Bryan Johnson.
- Walt Flanagan.
- Mike Zapcic.
- Ming Chen.
We gotta jam like she's a aim, kids.
So good night.