Cougar Town s02e10 Episode Script

It's Friday, working stiffs.
Everybody! Four, three, two, one.
Happy weekend! It's 3:45.
How many hours did you people even work today? I put in a hard four.
All right, I didn't go in.
Hey, guys.
How come we never talk about work? To get ahead, get a home.
To get ahead, get a home.
Yup, a beer.
Yes, beer.
There you go.
There's a beer right there.
Great shot.
Focus.
This is wrong.
This is wrong.
No, wait! I was wrong.
This is right.
Oh, that's right.
Your jobs are lame.
Strong words from someone who spent their 20s as a tequila shot girl in a dive bar.
Big sombrero, push-up bra, two shot glasses in little holsters.
That's how she got dates.
She'd give free shots to any guy who had a fast car and a gold watch.
My wife was easy! Gold.
Laugh! I saw myself laugh in the mirror last night and I thought it looked horsey, so now I'm gonna say it instead of do it.
That seems natural.
Tell me more about shot-slut.
Oh, you don't get to play.
I've known these idiots for years.
They know my dirt, but I also know theirs.
Did you know that in high school the boys called Jules "slug tongue" because of how she kissed? Bluhh.
I didn't have a sister! No one taught me! - Laugh! - Still horsey.
It's not fair.
I don't know anything about your past.
And you never will.
Adios.
Grayson Ellis, and search.
So nice to be here with you this weekend and not at your mom's with the Purple Tooth Crew.
- They just drink a lot of wine.
- You're awesome.
Don't worry, Kev.
You'll find your chocolate Kirsten, someday.
Those are his words, not mine.
He even wrote a song about it.
# Oh, my chocolate Kirsten You know what's really fixed my game? Yoga.
I just don't get angry anymore.
- Whore! - Whoa! Throttle it back, Roger.
You just need to open up your hips.
See that clown who thinks it's OK to litter on this beautiful course? Whoo! I meant to do that! 'Cause there's a trash can right over there! - That was amazing! Hey, you know there's this PGA tournament next month and one of the qualifying events is up in Sarasota.
Why don't you give it a shot? Hmm.
You should give it a shot.
You're the best golfer I have ever known.
Bobby "Batman" Cobb, we believe in you.
- What? - One of our special things is to pretend his middle name is Batman and mine is Robin, - and together we go out - Don't care.
Bobby, Andy is right.
Oh, really? Are you both sulking? OK, fine.
Look, Batman, Robin's right.
OK, cute.
I can't do big tournaments anymore.
It's too much pressure.
OK, fine.
Here's your mail.
- You still can't get mail here? - Nope.
I even made my own mailbox, too.
The mailman says it's still not a legal residence though.
I hate laws.
Hey! Screw you, Gary! - Keep it moving, Gary! - Oh, nice shorts, pal! We are so glad you guys are here for a change.
Yeah, Andy seems thrilled.
It's 9:15.
I should've been asleep an hour ago.
Grayson, I did a little bit of research.
Jules, did you know that as a kid, he spent time on the pageant circuit? - I did not.
- And I'm up! - Oh, we don't have to do this.
- We do.
Ladies and gentlemen, It was Little Mister Miami, OK? And it was actually pretty cool.
I broke down the gender barrier.
- Which gender? - Welcome to your past, biatch! Never been to a sorority party with a date before.
It's kind of cool how all these girls are suddenly into me.
- Just cool for me, huh? - Yeah.
Is that Laurie? I overheard Kyle, that douchey Sigma Chi who's always wearing the jester hat, say that he hooked up with Missy here, even though he dates a Kappa.
Missy, did you? - Wow, she totally did.
- Laugh! But, sisters, this is a real teaching moment.
The only way to not be labeled a tramp is to not sleep with guys who talk so much.
Laugh.
No, Debra, I'm dead serious.
- Laurie? - Trav! Hey! - Zeta! - Zeta! Be cool, be cool.
Why do you even care if Bobby enters a stupid golf tournament? Do you ever wonder why I married Bobby in the first place? - No.
- Every day.
When I met him, he was an All-American golfer, the most confident man I'd ever met in my life.
And now he's lost that confidence.
I miss that guy.
Bobby was really a stud? OK.
Close your eyes.
Come on, do it.
Imagine Bobby with the most beautiful golden hair.
Ooh.
- Really? - Shh.
He was ripped like a Greek god.
My microwave's broke and I ate a whole tub of uncooked biscuit dough and I think it's rising in my stomach.
Eyes back closed.
This is a golf tournament! Where're all the fans? This place should be roaring with polite golf claps.
No one shows up for qualifiers.
Robert Cobb, to the tee.
- Quick confidence dance? - Sure thing, Batman.
Ka-boom! Pow! Ooh, how you doing, sir? Ka-boom! Last week, you said you wouldn't play in this.
What changed your mind? OK, we're gonna figure out how to get Bobby's confidence back.
That's why I gathered the Drink Tank Think Tank.
- I want red.
- No, no, no! White wine has less alcohol.
- Ooh! Thinking wine.
- What is keeping Bobby down? Maybe he's down 'cause his retirement plan is to "die early.
" Plus, on his boat, he has to keep his cholesterol medicine in a lock-box - so the rats can't get it.
- My turn again! His garbage disposal is a dog.
He eats cereal out of a turtle shell.
- His bottle opener is a dog.
- OK, stop.
He's not Fred Flintstone.
Really hates that he can't get mail on the boat.
That's it.
To get ahead, get a home! Worst slogan ever.
It's not.
Bobby doesn't have a real home.
So let's turn his boat into one.
We can add some home-y touches like curtains and, you know, a toilet.
Could take it out of the parking lot and into a slip in the marina.
And he gets a new life.
She's right.
Watch this, I'll be Bobby.
"Hey, Baby, want to come back to my boat in an abandoned parking lot?" Exactly.
But watch this.
"Want to come back to my boat in the marina?" - Yeah.
Boom! Life change.
- Yeah.
Couldn't we just get him a sparkly, sleeveless vest so he can tap dance all his problems away? Do you love me now, Mommy? I'm going faster! I'm going harder! I'm trying so hard, I'm trying so hard.
Search.
Why pretend to be in a sorority? Well, back when I was 20, I used to fake it all the time because the parties rock and sometimes I wanna wear pearls without being judged.
We've all been there.
This time, I was just gonna sneak in and steal a box of hair scrunchies.
But those girls love me.
And my self-esteem could use a pick-me-up, so I told them I was a transfer from Florida State.
It's like some kind of drug for me.
They take my advice, they let me pick out their clothes.
Ugh.
Karen is such a cold, ugly bitch.
She's a total Ellie.
They let me make up new words for things! Plus, I give back.
A couple of days ago, Sarah Myers was talking about committing suicide, so I called her parents and they bought her a new convertible.
Problem solved.
Proud laugh.
Is that one of your self-esteem things? Being self-conscious about the way you laugh? I love the way you laugh.
It's like a happy tugboat.
Whatever, you laugh like a cartoon woodpecker.
You said you'd be here an hour ago.
We had to go buy our fake ratty boat-fixing outfits.
- We're sloppy but adorable.
- That's right.
We don't have a lot of time.
Let's get to work.
- What if Bobby comes back? - He won't.
Travis has a great plan.
Are you guys really daring me to eat this whole tub of cheesy popcorn? We are, Dad.
We all are.
Big mistake, my friends.
Huge.
All right, gang, let's turn this dirty old boat into a home.
Stop trying to make this into an 80s movie montage! I'm just trying to make it fun.
Wh? Wha? - Fun? - If you want a montage, it's gonna be a sweaty, angry one.
Oh, that's nice.
- Wish we hadn't done that.
- I'll get some rags.
Bye, Grayson.
- Pageant wave.
- I was waiting for that.
I spent hours researching you.
And I was able to track down a few new things from your past.
Sha-doosh.
If it happened, it's in here.
- How do I know that this is real? - Girlfriend wants a taste.
Well, let's see what happens when I randomly pull something from the middle! Oh, look! A teenage Ellie looking off to the side, really cool.
With huge eyebrows.
I win.
Where's my dollar? Definition of a hollow victory.
- Man, I love cheesy popcorn.
- Hey, Bobby, you're doing great.
- You're in the top six and - Oh, Andy, never tell me how I'm doing.
- It unravels my game.
- Can I say "nice shot"? You can say "shot.
" Shot! Trav, if you and girlfriend want, Zeta's having a cocktail party tonight to raise money for Megan's rhinoplasty.
We might pass.
Partly, because I like Megan's nose, but also because I think sororities are elitist.
Do you know how offensive that is to a sorority girl? I do, but fortunately, you're not a sorority girl.
Babe, it's just a cocktail party.
We should go.
Why don't you go, Travis? Have such a blast with all of your new BFFs.
Laugh! She would make such a great Zeta.
She's mad because she thought we were gonna have a weekend where we didn't hang out with all you guys.
Oh! That's not it.
Whoa.
Head rush.
You guys disappeared for a second.
- So, what's she mad about? - Oh, come on, guys.
You know.
- She's jealous.
- Catch you later.
What? That is so weird! - Surprise! - No way! Get out! - Get back in.
- She looks amazing! Jealous much? Finally, a yes! Ah! Damn cheese dust.
You should see the inside.
There's a toilet, I put a door on your microwave! - To protect your junk.
- To get ahead, get a home! Worst slogan ever, baby.
- It's horrible.
- It blows.
It's so not! Now, all we gotta do is get this boat over to the marina - and put it in to its new slip.
- So, is Jules behind all this? - Well - Yes! I should have let you guys answer that.
Wow, thanks, Jules.
Thanks, everybody.
Seriously, this, uh this means the world to me.
- Buddy, you are kicking ass! - I told you not to tell me! Oh, what's gonna happen? That! That's gonna happen.
I'm gonna keep saying "that" until you regain consciousness.
That! That! That? That.
What happened? Are we still on the 12th hole? No, the 18th.
You've been walking around mumbling for the last six holes.
Pull it together, bud.
I'm dying out here.
Stupid Jules.
You're awesome, Jules.
When are we gonna put her in the drink and get her butt wet? Oh, when are we gonna put the boat in the water? Well, I want everyone to be here.
Oh, J-Bird, how am I ever gonna repay you? It's easy.
Enter that tournament.
I want you to be that confident, so everyone can see him.
You know, that guy that always used to walk up to me and he would say, "I am one lucky duck.
" Remember? Please? For me? For you.
Yeah.
My dad is crazy.
Like anyone would think of us as more than friends.
I mean, sure.
You know, I'm a little flirty with you.
But, come on.
I flirt with everyone.
I know.
What? Can you imagine how your mom would react if we dated? It would be like dropping a bomb on a forest fire.
That actually might put out the fire because the bomb uses up the oxygen - and fire needs oxygen - Nerd alert.
- Sorry.
- That's cute, coming from you.
I mean, this is crazy.
You're older and I mean, Kirsten's older, - but you're like older-older.
- Take it easy.
You like to fight, my cuts don't clot.
This'll just never happen.
Don't you think? Travis, I am sorry.
I just Oh! You're here.
I should go.
No, you know what? Travis and I were just talking.
And you're right, I don't go to college here.
If you really feel like I'm crowding you two, then, fine.
I'll just do what you say and I'll flip out of here like a flapjack.
Yep.
That's what I said.
You didn't have to do that, but thank you.
No problem.
Hey, caterpillar brows.
Can you give me a ride to the marina? Not just yet.
I, too, did a little more digging.
What was your word? Sha-douchey.
Bring it.
Oh, what do we have here? A high school yearbook.
Hobbies, acne.
Oh, what's this? Hot Florida Bartenders Calendar.
Oh! Can we count the banana hammocks? - One, two.
- OK.
OK, I will see that, and I will raise you a Real World audition tape.
"What's up, MTV! I'm Ellie! Peace.
" And A ten-year-old power forward whose massive headgear drove all her teammates crazy.
You know what? We should stop before one of us gets Tearful voicemail to the girl that took your virginity! Why don't you love me? I love you, Shelley! Pick up! - So, what now? This is horrible.
- This is what friendship means to me.
Having so much crap on someone that they can't ever reveal the crap they have on you.
I feel closer to you than ever.
- You're a scary woman.
- I try.
I think we all know what we're feeling in our hearts right now.
Come on, guys, say it together.
Smells like fish out here.
Come on.
The worst slogan ever? To get ahead, get a home.
- Wow, that does suck.
- Always thought it was a pun.
But, to be honest with you, I don't even get what puns are.
OK, what was I saying? - No one can tell, sweetie.
- The boat! Bobby Cobb, when that boat hits the water, there is nothing that can hold you back anymore.
Because anything is possible.
Even placing in the top six in our local golf tournament.
Ruben! To a new life.
Whoo! Oh Oh.
- Jules - Oh - Oh, wait.
- What happened? Ruben? Rube Oh, boy.
I hate moments of truth.
I like the other moments.
Happy moments.
Christmas moments.
How far are we away from Christmas? Focus.
Sink this, and you'll qualify.
You miss it, you're out.
You got this.
Remember, you're Bobby Cobb.
Yeah, that's what I'm worried about.
I got his coffee pot.
I got a muddy doll with no eyes.
Is that his? Uh Put it in the "maybe" pile.
I feel like I owe you a sorry.
You sank my home.
- Are you laughing? - Mm-mm.
Yes, Bobby.
I sank your home.
You sure did.
See, this is why I know you're gonna be OK.
A few years ago, you would not be laughing.
This would crush you and you would spiral for months.
- I still might.
- No.
Because, you're not that guy anymore.
I mean, look at yourself.
Got a good job.
You're a great dad.
I mean, the old Bobby used to hang out with guys named "Bitchslap.
" Now look at your friends.
They love you.
I mean, Ellie's not trying to grab any of your stuff, but, she's supervising.
Jellybean, I see something over there.
Use your hook.
- Wow.
- That's huge for her.
You still have all that confidence.
You just hadn't let it out in a while.
Whoo! Well? I'm a lucky duck, baby.
Thank you.
Yeah, baby! Whoo! Thank you for fixing things with Kirsten.
Oh, Trav.
I died for you.
The phrase is actually, "I'd die for you.
" No, no.
I literally died for you.
The Zetas think I drowned scuba diving off Key Largo.
That's actually my candlelight vigil.
Are you tearing up? It's sad.
I was a really great girl.
Can't believe Missy's not crying.
You were always a bitch, Missy! Oh!