Crossing Swords (2020) s02e10 Episode Script

1
Patrick looked into the hole with dismay.
After the ground ate Holden,
nobody saw him ever
‐ Broth! Stop narrating!
‐ again. Okay! I'll stop!
Broth promised,
turning to Barry and winking.
Broth was everyone's favorite character.
Broth!
Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit!
Princess Blossom!
‐ Get off of me, tunnel trash!
Ah! Put your back into it!
‐ Oh god!
This is it!
All my chickens are coming home to roost!
‐ It's clearly not a chicken, Patrick.
Chickens don't make me
shit down both pant legs!
‐ I mean it's my fault!
The leprechaun warned me
not to take the cursed gems.
‐ Leprechaun? I forgot we even did that.
We have a lot of adventures.
‐ Fuck off!
Stop standing around talking
about chickens and leprechauns
and help me curb stomp this freak!
It's over here.
On the count of three. One
Two
Whack!
‐ Uh, Princess? It's dead.
‐ Wait for me!
‐: Look at me now, Randy!
I've got a big castle,
and you've got a little castle
'cause you're a sad little man!
Who's there?
It's Patrick, sire!
And we have a major problem!
‐ "It's Patrick, sire,
and we have a major problem" who?
There are mole people underground,
and they're coming to kill us all!
‐ That's just
a popular novelty song.
Here's the real major problem.
I'm a drunk widdle baby,
and baby needs pizza.
‐ But, we're all in danger!
‐ No, you're in danger
of making this drunk baby very angry.
Now, order me up some 'za.
‐ 'Za
‐ Ah!
‐ Ah, yes. That's right.
‐ Add an order of garlic knots!
‐ The king won't listen.
We need to go straight to the knights.
‐ Yeah. Those knights have seen it all,
done it all, and brought home the X‐rated
souvenir snow globe to prove it.
‐ Right? Sir Blemish has an encyclopedic
knowledge of drainage systems.
‐ And Sir Styles taught us to
fight murderous woodland creatures.
‐ I don't know the others very well,
but they seem to work out a lot!
‐ Gimme your candy, papier‐mâché Keefer!
Wait up! My mallet has a taste for blood,
and it's thirsty for more!
‐ Are you my pizza?
‐ Yes! I'm Pete, sir!
‐ I'm not getting sucked into
that conversation. Oh no.
I know who will help me.
Dear God, it's me, Merriman.
If my pizza is downstairs,
flash lightning once.
If my pizza is not downstairs,
flash twice.
Oh, oh What the
‐ I'm trying to sleep!
‐ What the
Fuck you, Randy!
‐ You stay out here, I'll go in.
‐ Why? So you can say hi to your mom? Oh!
Got it!
‐ Very nice.
‐ I don't love the way
you two are bonding.
Aw
They had the best coffee.
‐ You're alive!
‐ Aw. They had the best croissants.
Merriman! What's going on?
Honey,
I‐I'm not a fan of the new lingerie.
It's very pointy.
Oh! Hey, hey, hey! That's my no‐no area.
Is this a weird sex thing?
I don't hate it.
Oh, so now,
you're open to doing weird sex things.
- Oh!
- Oh my!
‐ My parents are down there somewhere,
getting their blood sucked out by moles!
‐ That's karma for you.
‐ Oh god.
You're right! None of this
would be happening
if I hadn't taken those cursed gems.
‐ Cursed gems?
It's karma biting the king in the ass!
‐ Merriman drilled miles
of tunnels with no plan,
and now sinkholes are
swallowing up everything in sight.
‐ That is a sane and reasonable
conclusion,
but I'm afraid the truth
will chill you to the bone.
It was mole people!
:
People people people
Mole people!
‐ And‐and what exactly is
a mole people?
‐ This is a mole people.
Whoa! Shit.
This is a mole people!
‐ Ooh, that's fun!
‐ Princess! Get back!
‐ Ha, ha!
‐: How bad is it?
‐ Ah!
‐: Oh, someone just kill me!
Ah! Ah! Ah! Bit tender.
Bit tender.
‐ Fighting those things underground
would be suicidal.
We're gonna flood the sons of bitches.
‐ That sounds cool.
‐ Hella cool.
We'll blow up the dam,
and anything underground
can butt‐chug the entire Kingstown River.
‐ What about my mom and dad?
‐ The princess is right.
They could still be alive.
Shouldn't we be making
every effort to find them
before we do something so drastic?
‐ I once saw the king
lose a fight to a chaise lounge
that was, quote, "making fun of him."
There's no chance they're alive!
‐ Blowing the dam solves the problem.
‐ Well, it doesn't solve my problem.
With Mom and Dad gone, I'm in charge,
so I command you pussies
to go down there and find them!
‐ Your Highness, you're not old enough
or hot enough to tell us what to do.
The military's in charge
until a regent is named.
‐ Then I'm going
down there myself!
And I hope I get killed,
so everyone knows that my shitty
knights wouldn't go with me.
‐ Your Highness, don't be foolish.
‐ She's not being foolish.
Huh?
‐ This is the worst crisis
to ever hit our kingdom,
and I keep waiting for you to act like
the knights I grew up reading about.
‐ Storybook bullshit!
‐ Is there not one hero among you?
‐ Would you shut up about heroes?!
Look at my fucking face!
‐ Know what? I stole those gems.
I started us down this path.
I've gotta go down there.
I just never thought it'd be a question
whether the realm's sworn
protectors went with me.
‐ Alright, Patrick,
enough preachy‐preachy.
You wanna go down into the jaws of Hell?
I'll give you one hour
before I blow the dam.
Fair?
‐ I'll take it. I wish I had you
by my side, but I'll take it.
You in?
‐ Hell yeah. Dying underground,
eaten by backyard pests?
That's the hero's death I've been craving.
‐ Thanks, Patrick.
‐ Not so fast, Princess.
You're not allowed anywhere without
an escort knight. Rules are rules.
‐ Fine. Give me one of yours.
‐ Absolutely not.
‐ Oh yeah? If I need a knight so bad,
maybe I'll fucking make one!
‐ Wait. Wait, wait, wait.
Is this really happening?
Ah
‐ Boop, boop, you're a knight.
Okay, let's go, Sir Patrick.
:
Sir Patrick Sir Patrick
‐ So, I'm a knight now
This is such an honor‐‐
‐ Boop, boop. You're a knight, too.
‐ Wait, what?
‐ Wow! I mean, about time, huh?
There's so many people
I wanna thank. Uh
‐ Boop, boop! I'm a knight! Come on!
‐ Great, fine, whatever.
Hope you make it back to the surface
before we start the Drownening.
Good luck, Sir Patrick.
‐ Aw, I hope we don't miss the Drownening.
‐: Okay, so here's the plan.
We're gonna avoid the moles,
find the king and queen, and get out.
Watch for my signal, and be very quiet.
‐ Broth, wanna have a screaming contest?
‐ Yes.
‐: No!
‐ Jeez, Patrick! Reckless!
I hear something!
It's probably something good and not bad.
There!
Yah!
Oh
Huh?
‐ Okay
‐ Patrick, I think we can take 'em.
You know what? I did the math wrong.
We absolutely cannot take them.
‐ Show yourselves at once!
O‐or at a time and place of your choosing.
The important thing is
that you feel comfortable.
Oh
‐ My
‐ God!
Oh, you are so cute!
Aw, who's a little pumpkin pie?
You are. Your new name is Blossom Junior.
Yes, it is.
‐ They could still be dangerous.
‐ Should we hack these babies
to death as a power move?
Say the word, Patrick.
‐ There are so many.
Who knows how long they've been down here,
and they only attacked us
after we drilled into their habitat.
‐ Like the capitalist pigs we are.
‐ What if they're peaceful?
If only there was a way to talk to them.
I. Am. Patrick.
‐ Hm. Human and mole.
Belching in harmony.
‐ No.
I think it means there's
a way for us to communicate.
Could this gem transmit knowledge
of the mole language
directly into my brain?
Is this science so far beyond
our human understanding
that it seems to us not unlike magic?
Ah!
‐ What the
Oh!
What is that, French?
Make the switch to English.
It's the future, baby. No accent marks,
and we pull spellings
right out of our ass.
In the army, guess how we spell
"colonel." Just fuckin' try.
Oh, I see what this is about.
Fine, fine. Yeah,
I'll sign up for the timeshare.
‐ Jesus Crumb.
Who do I have to finger bang
to cut a deal around here?
I have no allegiances,
and am willing to flip sides,
both legally and sexually.
Patrick?
Patrick.
‐ Patrick, my name is Todd. I'm kinda
the public relations guy down here.
Let me help you up.
‐ Thanks, Todd.
‐ Um, who's Todd?
‐ Wait! Todd, I can understand you!
‐ Ho, ho!
They broke Patrick!
‐ The blow to the head
affected your hearing.
Now, our high‐pitched voices
resonate at a tolerable human frequency.
‐ Ah!
‐ Side effects may include
fucking up your balance.
‐ We still have time.
‐ Pull!
Aw.
‐ Looks like time's up!
That felt like an hour, right?
Oh, screw it. It's sand falling
through a hole, how accurate can it be?
‐ For centuries, we tolerated you
surface people throwing trash
and the occasional murder
victim down into the big pit.
‐ You mean the bottomless pit?
It's not bottomless?
‐ Of course it's not bottomless!
We live on a globe!
How do you fall forever into
a globe and not hit something?
Never mind that. When you started
invading our sovereign territory
to steal those gems, we had to act.
We sunk several of your surface
monuments as warnings.
‐ Several monuments? Which ones?
‐ Let's see. A large pyramid,
a castle woven entirely from hemp,
and a wholesale mattress warehouse.
‐ King Rami, King Topher, Tony Saltine?
Oh, that's gonna be trouble.
‐ We even sent one final warning
with your boy made out of stone.
‐ Barry! That's why he had
all that writing on him!
‐ And so, we had no choice.
Your rulers are on trial for
their crimes against our kingdom.
‐ But none of this happened on purpose!
It was just a bunch of dumb decisions
that kept piling up on top of one another.
‐ Yeah. That's generally
how history works.
‐ And that's how you get the word "gunt."
Try doing that in French.
‐ Wait!
‐ Oh, thank God!
My garlic knots are finally here.
‐ Mama! Daddy!
They're alive!
‐ Aw,
no more King Blossom?
‐ Yeah. It's like a good thing happened,
but also a bad thing happened.
What's that called?
‐ Bittersweet.
‐ It tastes like shit.
‐ Who are you?
‐ I'm Patrick.
I call myself as a witness
for the defense.
‐ Hm, most unusual,
but this is my year of yes. I'll allow it.
‐ Ooh! This is gonna be good.
‐ Just in time for their execution!
‐ Can anybody else not see anything?
‐ Ruben? Blarney? Coral?!
Kevin? Bee Guy? Holden?
‐ Uh, that's Esteemed Jury Members to you.
‐ Say what you will
about these little shits,
but they take
"jury of your peers" seriously.
‐ Hey, Patrick,
did they give you a program?
I can't understand this play,
like, at all.
‐ Patrick, these furries are gonna
try and sell you a timeshare.
Stay frosty. They're absolute pros.
‐ Your Honor, my whole life,
I've dreamed of being a knight.
‐ Ah! The boy knows French.
Ha! Who says our public schools
are the worst rated in the land?
‐ The PTA.
‐ Anyway, today, that dream
finally came true. I was knighted.
‐ Objection. Relevance, Your Honor?
‐ I'm getting to it. You see,
I always thought it'd be so easy
to know the difference
between right and wrong.
But ever since I became a squire,
every day is like choosing
between a shit sandwich
and a shit sandwich with cheese.
‐ Objection, Your Honor! Nasty!
‐ I stole the gems, Your Honor.
I stole them, and I told
the king where to dig up more.
I thought I did it for the right reasons,
but it was only to keep my face
from getting eaten off by rats.
I knew it was wrong,
but I was looking out
for my own interests.
Please let the king and queen go.
I'm the one who knew what I did was wrong.
Please, I want to balance the scales.
Just once, I wanna do the right thing.
‐ Some say mole justice moves too swiftly,
but I say
Patrick is guilty.
Merriman and Tulip are free to go.
‐ Patrick took the fall! Damn it.
I guess witness protection
is off the table. Ugh!
‐: Broth, Princess!
Get everyone to the surface,
and stop the knights from blowing the dam!
‐ Not without
my best bro!
‐ No. I want to stay.
I want to own up to my mistakes.
‐ Okay, I couldn't
understand a word you said,
but you sacrificed yourself
for my parents, didn't you?
‐ No. I‐‐
‐ That makes you
the best knight I ever knighted.
‐ Now then, let's get to sentencing.
Eh, it's your first offense, I'm thinking
community service, 20 hours should do it.
‐ What?
Oh no.
They broke their promise,
those fucking knights!
It's a flood!
Everyone's gotta get out of here now!
Which way is up? We need to go up!
Patrick!
Todd?
‐ Pull this lever
to go back to the surface, Patrick.
‐ Todd, wait! Come with us!
‐ Oh, I'm a public relations man,
Patrick. My skills will be
needed down here,
now more than ever.
Wait! It's a flood!
‐ Ah!
‐ My skills are useless!
Ah!
‐ This is my first elevator ride!
‐ Ah!
‐ Yep. This one's definitely dead.
‐ You couldn't even give me one hour?!
You turned an easy diplomatic solution
into a slaughter out of sheer laziness!
Is that what being a knight means to you?
‐ Being a knight means killing first
and not thinking about it later.
And if you throw an hourglass
at my head again,
we're gonna have a problem, Sir Patrick.
‐ Did you just call him Sir Patrick?
‐ I knighted him, Daddy.
‐ You can't knight people.
That's ridiculous!
‐ Stop undercutting me
in front of the fucking help!
‐ Come on, Sir Styles,
let's go dig up that brothel.
‐ I have glass in my face!
‐ Pull it together.
‐ So after all that,
I'm not even a knight?
You know what?
That's fucking perfect
because I am done!
I've had enough of this insane‐‐
‐ Boop, boop, you're a knight.
Happy, sweetie?
‐ No! I don't wanna be a knight!
I quit! I resign! I'm out!
‐ You can't quit being a knight.
The only way out is death.
‐ But that's not for a long time.
An adult male in this day and age
will live well into his late 20s.
‐ Nobody panic.
That could be the pizza guy.
‐ Well, one of those guys
has gotta be the pizza guy.
There's, like, a million of them.
‐ If they're here to help us
fight the mole people,
they're gonna feel pretty stupid.
‐ No, sire.
The mole people sank their castles
because they couldn't tell
us surface people apart.
Racist.
‐ That makes me the hero
who defeated the mole people.
‐ That makes us the kingdom that got rich
while the mole people were
sinking the wrong people's shit.
‐ Not a great spin.
‐ King Rami's been looking
for an excuse to invade.
Now, he has the other kings
on his side. We're fucked.
‐ We? I think you mean you.
Kings don't fight wars. Knights do.
Go get 'em, Sir Patrick.
‐ Pizza for King Merriman.
‐ Bless the baby Jesus!
‐ I don't see any garlic knots.
‐ Sorry. Rain check on the knots.
Our knot guy's out with a rash.
‐ Unacceptable!
Merriman, punish her at once.
‐ Fine.
Boop, boop, you're a knight. Mm!
‐ Aw, man. I'm a knight now?
I was so close to making manager.
‐ Well, good luck down there,
Sir Kylie.
‐ Goddammit.
That was amazing.