Dicktown (2020) s02e10 Episode Script

Famous eggnog waffles, coming up.
- Thanks, Dad.
- Best roommate ever! How'd my boys sleep last night? - Awkwardly.
- Amazingly.
- What? - Spooning with you was fun! Ugh, God.
See, John, I knew you'd have a sleepover - one of these days.
- Hooray! The big trundle bed gamble of 1994 finally pays off.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, don't you sass my roommate.
His waffles are gonna help me make BMs again.
Ugh.
You're right.
I'm sorry, Dad.
And David, I owe you an apology as well.
You were right about Kaydee Festermeyer.
Kaydee Festermeyer.
There's a name from the past.
You know, I knew her mom quite well.
How's she doin'? Well, uh, her mom actually passed away, Dad.
Oh, that's a shame.
Jasmine was a vibrant woman.
Son, I need to tell you something.
Yes, I knew it! You had an affair with Kaydee's mom, and Kaydee is your secret daughter, and that means she's John's half-sister and John isn't an only child after all.
- Ahh! - What? No! - Damn it.
- I was just gonna say, son, I moved the key to the safety deposit box - where I keep my will.
- Ohh, thank God.
I hid it in the gurgling cod.
You should know, too, David.
You're family now.
Aww, thank you.
What is a gurgling cod? It's a water pitcher shaped like a fish, and when you pour from it, it sounds like this: glug, glug, glug.
Wow, what's that sound? - That is a Polaris Slingshot.
- Do you mean Yes, David, guess who's coming for waffles? Well, thank you for coming over.
Eggnog fudging waffles.
Genius! Kaydee, I was wrong.
You didn't steal the Golden Lungs trophy.
See? That wasn't so hard, was it? - As a matter of fact, it was Ripper - Now you're blaming my raccoon? - Unbelievable! - No, no, no, no, that's what I got wrong.
You kept Ripper in your locker.
But when I opened it, there was no raccoon.
Wait, where's Ripper? So whoever stashed the trophy in your locker Must have let Ripper escape.
And that's something you would never do.
I get that now.
And now, there's something I need to do.
- Umm - Kaydee Festermeyer, will you do me the honor of Yes, finally! - Let me get my camera! - No, no, no, Dad, please, I'm trying to grow up here.
Kaydee Festermeyer, I accused you of something you didn't do.
Will you do me the honor of accepting my apology? First of all, normal people don't apologize like that, weirdo.
Second of all, I accept your apology.
- Thank you.
- Wait, so who did steal the trophy? I don't know, but I intend to find out.
Hunchman, oh, you are too much.
Mmm, thanks for the waffles, Mr.
H.
My mama always respected you and wanted to fuck you.
Gosh, that's very flattering.
Well, pal, sorry about the bees, dolls, and hair pit.
But that's life in Dicktown, right? Ya gotta laugh.
David, it would mean a lot to me if you'd help me crack this case.
Well, then, let's do it.
We're bros again.
Just let me hit this lemonade first.
- All right - Key key stuck in my throat! Detectives, how I've longed for you.
Uh-huh.
What happened to your exclusive deal with Pon-Pon? That philistine.
The only equipment he ever wanted to rent was my Versace absinth fountain.
And that's reserved for friends.
- Shall we? - Uh, maybe later.
Tucker, you said you did some intense family therapy last year.
- Do you still have the machine? - Basement.
Oh, shit! These are sensory deprivation pods.
My family used them for guided hallucinogenic talk therapy.
John, why are we doing this? There's some clue that I missed 20 years ago.
To find it, I have to go deeper into my mind palace than ever before.
But I can't do it alone.
Gird your loins and your minds for a journey to inner space.
Oh, my God, John, I totally thought you were lying about this place, but it's totally beautiful, bro.
Holy shit, it looks like a White Castle.
Do you have sliders in there? Whoa, Hunch, this is a lot.
- Hello.
- Wait, Tucker, what pod are you using? I've done this so many times, I no longer need pods.
Nice crown moulding.
Okay, there's a little black door around here somewhere.
I've only seen it once, the other day, when it scared me.
So you're hiding it from yourself.
That's right.
There's something behind that door that I do not want to remember.
Something about the day the trophy was stolen.
Okay, listen up, people.
We are looking for a repressed memory.
I'm John's former bully, so no one knows his insecurities better than me.
Let's ride.
And also bloink.
I'm a shark now.
Hold on tight to the flying shark.
Hey, what ahh! - Ugh.
- Eww, sticky.
No, no I remember all these memories.
- Where's the little black door? - One step at a time.
The trophy was found in Kaydee's locker, right? Who had access to it? Everyone did.
The handle was broken off.
That's why she kept her raccoon in it to guard it.
What about the trophy case? Who had the key to that? Assistant Principal Suggs.
Oh, wow, he sucks.
Oh, really? I thought he was cool.
Okay, he could've opened the trophy case and framed Kaydee, but but why? Ow! Dang it, you just punched out one of my memories.
Who wants to remember Assistant Principal Suggs? That guy's behavior was un-ska-ncionable.
Anyway, look who I found.
Gizmo! Taggy, for the last time, that's just a toy.
Hey, you made him sad.
What's that, Gizmo? You say you can find the black door? Deus ex machina, am I right? - No, no, that's not rational.
- Good.
The purpose of this therapy is to surrender to the irrational.
Hmm, by indirection, seek direction out.
"Hamlet.
" Musicals! Wait a minute, musicals suck.
- None of you are helping me! - John, you're right.
A robot can't find your repressed memory.
- It's not rational.
- Thank you, Heather.
- It would need a program.
- What? Hunch, will you surrender to the irrational and let me program your mind robot? - That is so hot.
- Ugh, okay.
Beep, boop, boop, boop, bop, bop, bop, blop.
Whoa! - David, I'm scared.
- No, you got this, bro! Okay.
It's easy.
If you just follow the clues, you always get it right.
Where is it? What did I miss? You cracked the case.
Way to go, big guy.
What did you see? A raccoon paw print? On Dana Singh's boob.
For Channel 57, I'm Dana Singh.
I I didn't miss the clue, I saw it, and I ignored it.
- Oof! - Hunch, what's happening? My sense of self is collapsing.
- Tucker, get them out of here.
- Copy that.
Hunch David, save yourself.
Leave me.
I'm not growing up without you, buddy.
So your boy detective profile was tanking.
The mystery of the missing hockey cards - just wasn't good TV.
- Oh, ya think? At some point, Assistant principal Suggs started showing off.
- Who? - Oh, this ska teacher - I used to think was cool.
- Ohh, that guy.
Last I heard, he was in jail for skatutory rape.
Uh, anyway, he unlocked the trophy case to show you the Golden Lungs.
When Kaydee pulled the fire alarm Can we cut to the chase? She pulled the alarm, I saw a chance to juice your profile.
Can he solve a mystery in real time? So I grabbed the trophy and threw it in the only locker - that wasn't locked.
- But you weren't expecting Ripper to jump out at you.
You cleaned yourself up as best you could, and went on.
You got your story.
And you came out looking like a real detective.
You're right.
That profile made me famous.
- But Kaydee got expelled.
- Wait, what? Nobody told me that.
You and I both wanted to make good TV that day.
I went along with it.
I saw the raccoon paw print on your bosom - and repressed the memory.
- Expelled.
Fuck me in the balls.
- Dana Singh! - Can I make a suggestion? Apologize to Kaydee.
Hmm.
An overdue apology, plus raccoons this could be big! Donny, bring the van around, we've got another regional news award to win.
- Whoo! - Oh, yeah! Hey, can we laugh and freeze frame now? No, not for another 20 seconds.
- I see you, and I raise.
- I call that shit.
Hey, whatever happened to project grow up? We grew out of it.
Ohh, it's a party now.
Stop! No! You two can't fall in love.
She actually is your half-sister.
Just kidding.
Or am I? Forget it, kids.
It's Dicktown.