Difficult People (2015) s02e10 Episode Script
High Alert
1 How much longer do we have to wait for this car? Which app is this again? Oh, itâs called GoX.
Itâs short for Goatee Express because their cars have goatees on them.
Ugh, these ride sharing apps are so humiliating.
But what are we supposed to do? New York Cityâs on high alert, and weâre not supposed to use the subways.
What choice do we have besides riding in cars with facial hair on them? My favorite Penny Marshall- Drew Barrymore collaboration.
And here I am running around, and I still canât find a Yahrzeit candle for my dad.
I donât understand.
How is this New York? When the cityâs on edge, everybody just stocks up on things like candles.
They donât care that theyâre Jewish memorial candles you light on the anniversary of a loved oneâs death.
Why would they care this is the first time since 2010 I havenât been able to light a candle for my dad? And that was a tough year.
We lost my dad, and Mel Gibson said you can see Oksanaâs pussy from behind.
I miss seeing movies with your dad.
He loved everything.
Remember that time we saw "Welcome to Mooseport" and the lights went up and he said, "I loved it.
" Meanwhile, I donât have a boyfriend, and I hate having all these human emotions.
Maybe I should just give up trying to find love, you know? Iâm gonna go the Kevin Spacey route.
Just stop trying to be a human being, and just focus on getting famous, and then after I have a Netflix show, focus all of my frustrations on a boyfriend young enough to be my own son.
I was about to say I donât think thereâs anything much more depressing than that, but here comes our ride.
[horn honking.]
I canât believe that stupid goatee is gonna be the last thing we ever see before weâre brutally murdered.
Loophole, come to bed.
You only got nine hours last night, and I never heard the end of it.
I canât.
I have to recap "Bachelorette," which is what you do when you donât have a real job writing comedy for television.
Iâm not taking your rose.
You hooked up with those two guys on the show.
I heard you blew them.
Oh, that is so fucked up.
I mean, just because Ashley has the good sense to chow down on the free chorizo buffet ABC was kind enough to lay out for her, that dipshit is shaming her like sheâs some kind of a whore.
An update on the cityâs terror threat, which has been raised from rose gold to bronze.
Fuck, this better not dip into the rest of the show.
I taped this.
Goddamn it.
How am I supposed to do my recap? Why donât you just go online, and find out who she sent home, and take it from there, dad bod? Yeah, tell me who went home, Jezebel.
Oh, Jesus Christ, Fern Fujihara? This 14-year-old took a picture of a doughnut that she put on a rodentâs head, and now sheâs repped by CAA? Fuck this world.
Good night, Blu-ray.
Wow, your editor was okay with you submitting this personal essay instead of your "Bachelorette" recap? To be honest with you I donât think she even read it.
I feel like she just hits publish.
Thereâs rumors that sheâs actually a goose.
I canât believe you wrote your 9/11 piece.
It must have taken you all night.
Well, I procrastinated a little.
Oh, was that when you sent me the link to Kevin Spaceyâs online acting classes? As a matter of fact, it is.
A $90 gag gift, but it will be worth every penny as long as it takes you a step further on your journey to becoming Mr.
Kevin Spacey.
Oh, it already is.
Look at this.
Sometimes you are the chicken, and sometimes you are the corn.
Ah, thatâs amazing! What are you two sucking each otherâs dicks about now? Julie wrote an article about how during the week of 9/11 she was so overcome with grief that she self-medicated by fucking 9 random guys and blowing 11.
Way to give Donald Rumsfeld exactly what he wanted.
Oh, are we talking about sowing our wild oats? Hey, do you want to hear the story about the scar I got on Merv Griffinâs houseboat? No, go away.
Okay, fine, I havenât shaved anyway.
Speaking of which, my big wedding is in two days, and you all are invited to my bachelorette party.
Why donât you call it a bachelor party, you Goddamn Teletubby? Lola, am I or am I not allowed to call my bachelorette party whatever I want? I donât care.
I hate you.
And donât you even think of misgendering me by inviting me to your party.
You better work.
Matthew, I am a transwoman not a drag queen, you fucking retard, and I can say that because I used to be one.
Oh, shit, I meant faggot.
Sorry, Matthew.
- None taken, doll.
- Oh! [upbeat music.]
Oh, noodles, look at you.
You took our date night seriously.
What? Date night? Oh, shit, I thought you were joking.
No, I have plans with Billy tonight.
He did a headshot mailing and got us gigs as seat fillers at the Mark Twain Awards ceremony.
Theyâre honoring "Mozart in the Jungle" this year.
I was going to bring this up during dinner, but, string cheese, I got a call from my mother today.
She and my dad read your piece.
Oh, did they like it? They were disappointed that it was so tonally different than my brotherâs wedding announcement in their golf clubâs newsletter.
- Thatâs fair enough.
- Bank holiday, I didnât know you were writing about me too.
Arthur, you read it too! Yes, you made our relationship seem like a humdrum destination after all the grief-related fucking and sucking.
Wow, sounds like someoneâs jealous of something that happened 15 years ago, which was not my fault, Arthur.
It was Al Qaedaâs.
So if you want to be mad at someone, be mad at Mohamed Atta.
I am.
[rock music.]
Iâm so glad we got a driver who needed to tell us his opinions on musical theater.
I donât care how many Tonyâs it won.
The only thing more insufferable than "Fun Home" is riding in this car with you idiots.
Serves us right for getting a cut rate Uber ride sharing bad jalopy with a bush on the grill.
A fucking nightmare.
You know, talking to strangers is, in a way, its own kind of terrorism.
Kevin Spacey says to always initiate a scene even if the other actor technically talks first.
Jesus Christ.
Is this the line? Yeah, theyâre doing a bag check because of the bronze alert.
Thank you.
See, that is the only extent to which I am comfortable talking to stranger.
How crazy is this weather? - No, no, no, no, no.
- Turn around asshole.
Okay, so the comments on my 9/11 essay are only getting meaner.
Listen to this one.
"Whore should have spent her week volunteering at Ground Zero instead of fitting 11 dicks in her mouth.
" Whoâs to say you couldnât do both? That was a long week.
- Yeah, multi-tasking.
- Excuse me.
Iâm sorry to overhear, but did you write that article about fucking 9 guys and blowing 11 during the week of 9/11? I certainly did, and I certainly did.
- I like that piece.
- Hey, thanks.
Iâm Sarah Nussbaum.
Iâm a development executive at Josh Gadâs company, Gadzooks.
Wow, Josh Gadâs company is based in New York? Julie, the terrorists donât stand a chance.
So whatâs Josh Gad like? Oh, I donât know.
Iâve never met him.
Heâs really busy, but Iâm in charge of the film department there.
Has anyone ever talked to you about optioning that essay? Well, sometimes when I take a bath I pretend my dogs are Dana Brunetti and Kevin Spacey and I pitch them, but- - Aw, thatâs really sad.
Why donât you come by tomorrow, and weâll talk about it? - Seriously? - Yeah.
Oh, my God.
Yes, thank you.
Okay, so now Iâm going to go back to standing behind you silently so itâs nice and awkward.
Really? No, Iâm going to go to the front and tell security Iâm a VIP.
See you tomorrow.
- Julie, thatâs awesome! - Aaaah! Wow, you know, Iâd heard about adult coloring books and how theyâre supposed to relieve stress, but I didnât realize they depicted actual adult situations, you know? but look how pretty I made my herniated disks.
Oh, yeah.
We love how you can breathe color into certain situations - like, considering an affair.
- Mm-hmm.
Which is why we optioned it for a movie.
Great idea.
Speaking of which, we think your essay would make a really great movie.
We love how empowering it is to young women.
You know, that was my goal.
Yeah, I remember thinking half way through blow job number eight, "Someday thisâll be good for women.
" We love things that are good for women.
Thereâs so much out there thatâs bad for women.
So much bad for women.
But then someone comes along whoâs brave, whoâs not a size zero, but is still okay with being seen, and that is so empowering.
Because then youâre like, "At least Iâm not as fat as her.
" - Right? - Yes.
Yeah.
The point is, weâre so excited to bring your voice to film.
And we have an amazing co-writer we want you to meet.
This means so much to me, you guys.
You know, recently I was actually kind of worried that I wasnât a girls girl.
- Donât be a stupid bitch.
- [laughter.]
I even hung out with a group of Italian girls from New Jersey who, as I think about it, were pretty anti-Semitic.
But now I realize I can fit in with other girls, and I donât need to pretend to be someone else.
You know what else is empowering? Do you know that musical, "Fun Home?" Weâre making that into an online multi-platform game for Xbox.
- What a great idea.
- Right? I love "Fun Home.
" - Yeah! - [laughter.]
Poor Matthew.
One sip of a Capri Tini and heâs out like a light.
You would think that a Capri Sun with a splash of rosé wouldnât have that much kick, and yet My baby may not be able to handle alcohol, but he can handle plenty of other things, - you know what I mean? - Yes.
- My cock.
- Nope, no.
- Itâs a big one.
- Iâm leaving.
Hey, Denise and I said weâd only pay you to be at this party if you stayed the whole time.
Youâre right.
And Kevin Spacey does say, "If they pay you, you have to show up.
" Thatâs from class eight which is exclusively about his voiceover work in "A Bugâs Life.
" Letâs start playing the games.
Pass the torch? - Whereâs the candle? - Oh.
This was the last one left at the deli.
I can fit this in, but whoever I pass it to had better be very relaxed.
Itâs ass to ass, men, as we did it in the Great War.
Are you in? No.
And, Nate, that is a Yahrzeit candle.
You light one on the anniversary of someoneâs death.
I was looking for one for my dad.
Oh, well, letâs do that instead of Elmerâs weird game.
Okay, but you have to keep it burning for 24 hours.
Well, what the fuck am I supposed to do, go slink off into a corner and self-suck my own hog? - Iâm straight.
- This party is no fucking good.
I hate to admit this, Mr.
Brunetti, Mr.
Spacey, but Iâm really nervous.
Gadzooks is sending over this hot shit writer tomorrow, Harvey something, and if we hit it off, weâre gonna write our 9/11 movie together.
Noodles, whenever you do pitch meetings in the middle of the night, I donât have hot water to take a shower.
I have to talk to the dogs because every time I bring up my essay with you, you get all weird.
Now, please, take Mr.
Spacey for a walk.
I think he took a shit under the couch.
[light rock music.]
[knock at door.]
Harvey, known for comedy.
"Blues Brothers 2000.
" "Police Academy 6.
" And if youâre asking yourself, what could I bring to your little fuck romp, I was executive consultant on "Red Shoe Diaries," seasons 3, 6, and a good chunk of 8.
Whereâs your toilet? Matthew, I have been here corpse-sitting your fiancé, but this "Weekend at Bernieâs" is coming to a close, and his best friend, Marie, hasnât even shown up yet.
Her flight was delayed because of the terror alert.
Well, I donât know what you want me to do.
Heâs moping around here like Tony Bennett during Gagaâs parts of "Baby Itâs Cold Outside.
" Get over here, and pick him up.
Iâm getting married tomorrow.
I canât have Elmer see me before the wedding.
Itâs bad enough Iâve been sending pics of my hole from the salon.
This bleacherâs a maestro.
Do you have anything else you want to say that proves Victoria Jackson was right? Or else Iâm hanging up.
Good-bye.
- Hey.
- Oh, hey, Arthur.
Julieâs not here.
I donât know where she is.
Sheâs home.
Sheâs not talking to me.
She has some writer guy coming over so I came to talk to you.
Look, Arthur, I donât want to get involved.
You know how she wrote this provocative article, and she says Iâm slutshaming her? What, were you freaked out that she fucked 20 guys - in a week? - Lightweight.
So, what, were you jealous? Is it weird if I say yes? Well, it is a little straight guy of you, but Well, I donât exactly think of myself as the mouth-breathing caveman type.
Arthur, I donât know from sexism, okay? When I saw "I Stand With Wendy" was trending on Twitter, I thought the Snapple lady had died, but I guess I do think that when you judge someone for sucking too much dick, youâre dragging gay men and straight women down.
Iâm the opposite of homophobic.
Then prove it.
Suck my dick.
No, thank you.
Anyone who dates Julie is gonna have to be a little gay.
Iâm not saying effeminate, although, you know, you already straddle that line with a very delicate balance.
I like my handkerchief collection.
Yeah, me too.
Please, donât even look at him.
Heâll take it the wrong way.
All Iâm saying is, gays, we donât really get jealous of the guys that came in the past.
Treat Julie right now, and you wonât have to worry about there being guys that come after you.
Yeah, that makes sense.
Thank you.
- Yeah, come here.
- Oh, come here.
- All right.
- Ah, now at last - weâre getting somewhere.
- Go home.
- Bye.
- Save yourself.
Pull that zipper back up.
Zip it, zip it.
There you go.
So I said to Miss Sherilyn Fenn, "Hey, missy, you could be replaced.
" But this was when my IBS was at its peak.
Would you like to see my CableACE Award? No, thank you, Harvey, for the third time.
And would you please keep the food that you brought and refused to share in your mouth and not on the floor, okay? My dogs canât eat that much pastrami.
- Noodles, whatâs that smell? - Itâs bad ideas and whatever cologne this hack bathed in.
That, pussy, is my foot spray.
How are you? Harvey.
Known for comedy.
Would you like to see my CableACE Award? This one was for "Dream On," the first sitcom to show yabbos.
Iâm Arthur Tack, Julieâs boyfriend.
Boyfriend? - Really? - Yeah, why? Iâve always been fascinated by men who are interested in loose women.
- Excuse me? - No, no, no, you like what you like.
I like what I like.
And, aah, "Different Strokes," a sitcom, by the way, that fired me because they claimed that my pitches were racist and unfunny.
Here, let me tell you why I should be able to use the N word.
Listen, you dinosaur, you donât get to come into my house and slutshame my girlfriend.
No, no, no shame, just some girls are meant to schtup and some are meant to marry.
Whomever my girlfriend was intimate with before she met me has nothing to do with me and is nothing for her to be embarrassed by.
Besides, I fucked inexperienced women before and itâs awful.
Well, I am not leaving until I finish my sour pickle.
In fact, Iâll bet Carrot Top here has left many a man with a case of sour pickle.
You son of a bitch.
Oh.
- Ow, ow, ow.
- How do you like that? - Stop.
- Oh, Jesus.
[laughing and grunting.]
Ow, ow, not my hair.
Ow, ow, my face.
Sweetie, whatâs the Zappos password again? So youâre sure youâre okay with me not wanting to work with Harvey? Oh, my God.
Of course.
I was so nervous when I called you.
Oh, no, in fact, we think we found a brilliant solution.
A brilliant solution.
Fern, come in and say hi.
Hi.
Oh, such an original voice.
Julie, meet Fern Fujihara.
She Snapchats food that she doesnât eat that she balances on the forehead of her guinea pig, and she is going to be adapting your life story for the screen.
Wait, Iâm sorry, so you want me to write a screenplay with a 14-year-old? Oh, no, sheâs gonna write it with Harvey.
You said you didnât want to.
But donât worry, sheâs gonna write it in your voice.
Sheâs gonna write it in my voice? Who is she, Rich fucking Little? Whoâs that? Does he write for Rookie? No, no, no, no.
This is my story.
This is my voice.
Nobody can write in my voice.
- Julie.
- Whereâs Josh Gad? Josh Gad? Julie, heâs not here.
- Josh Gad? - Heâs never here.
Josh? So you told them to eat shit? Well, technically I blamed my little outburst on low blood sugar, locked myself in the ladies room, ate a Twix bar, and when I came out I said that Harvey and Fern were a dream pairing, and Iâd love to be involved with the project in any capacity.
Oh, this is so degrading.
I bet this is what Kevin Spacey feels like when some hot, young Latino guy doesnât get his Jack Lemmon impression.
Well, the good news is if I make nice and hang out, they might even let me name some of the characters.
So youâre not giving up? No.
Iâm selling out.
Well, as long as life continues to disappoint us, Iâm going to pee.
Excuse me.
Oh, hey, Iâm just looking for the bathroom.
Come here.
I need help with my cuff link.
Iâm so sorry, I have to pee.
No, come on, give an old-timer a hand, you piece of shit.
Okay.
They belonged to my grandfather.
Genuine wooly mammoth ivory.
I feel like Carl Reiner interviewing the 2, 000-year-old bottom.
First of all, Iâm versatile.
Second, I know you think Iâm a walking corpse that you have nothing in common with, but youâre wrong.
Ah, thank you.
When I was your age I was just as single as you are, and things were a lot worse back then.
Were they? Because now everyone lives in constant fear of terrorism, and everyone meets on their phones now, and you got to be a fucking bear or an otter, and even if you do meet someone, you never really know who they are, and then they turn out to be fucking cannibals or theyâre old-timey neo-Nazis.
What the fucking fuck? Why me? Because you say shit like "why me?" Self-pity is like eating a piece of bad fish.
- And Iâm not talking about pussy.
- Delightful.
Can you get to the point of your elderly wisdom please? I must pee.
[stammering.]
When you eat bad food you feel sick, you fart all the time, and no one wants to be around you.
And thatâs where you are.
Youâre a big fart, and no one wants to be around you.
Excuse me? I have friends.
A friend.
Then stop being such an impatient New Yorker.
It took me 97 years to meet Matthew, but if you think I spent my whole life without love, youâre as stupid as Fatty Arbuckle, that stupid piece of shit.
So glad you brought him up.
Elmer.
Oh, Elmer, darling.
I am so sorry Iâm late.
Marie.
Mwah.
Marie.
Youâre real.
Whoâs this idiot? Oh, heâs just some mopey little faggot whoâs convinced heâs gonna die alone.
Oh, well, boo fucking hoo.
Iâm Elmerâs hag.
Do you know, those pig fuckers at the TSA patted me down so hard I almost squirted.
But itâs gonna take more than a second 9/11 to keep me away from my best friendâs gay wedding.
Marieâs the gal whose love sustained me through the last century.
Oh, and not the easiest century for gay men either.
- Nor sluts.
- Hey, fuck you.
- Ha! - We have fun.
This looks familiar.
Marie? Who knew? Her and Elmer are actually pretty cute.
Arthur, what happened to your eye? I incurred the displeasure of a hacky comedy writer who called Julie a hooker.
Oh, Iâm sorry.
Excuse me, you look familiar.
Did we? - Fuck the week of 9/11? - Yes! - [both laughing.]
- How are you? Iâm great.
You look well.
You look well.
Speaking of, I mean, this wedding Oh, got you.
[mumbling.]
Great seeing you.
Never forget.
Hi, everyone.
My name is Rita, and Iâm an ordained minister, and Iâll be performing todayâs nuptials.
Another fun fact is I live in the attic of this banquet hall with my roommate, Kiki.
If thereâs anyone in the congregation whoâd like to buy some uppers, ludes, angel dust or bennies, Iâm holding.
She sure is.
And you know what else Kikiâs holding? Key to my heart.
Oh, really.
Youâre too much.
So we have to save the rest for later.
Letâs get this road on the show.
Hit it, Kiki.
[electronic rendition of "The Wedding March".]
Ladies and gentlemen, this eveningâs performance, the role of the wedding, will now be played by a funeral.
Apparently Elmer has suddenly died.
- What? - Chord change.
Okay, everybody stay in their seats.
No.
This happens all the time, okay? Funeral.
Funeral.
Super sweet 16.
Father-daughter virginity pledge, oh, my God.
Ladies and gentlemen, ever since Elmer and I met, he has died, technically, every day, from between 30 seconds and four minutes.
Even still, I find myself completely unprepared.
Key of B flat please.
Thank you.
["Ave Maria" playing.]
Ah.
Ave Maria Gratia plena Maria Gratia plena Maria gratia plena Just think, someday that could be us.
I hope I fit into a body bag that size.
Elmer and I met at a urinal.
I remember the first thing I said was, "Hey, save some of that for me.
" - Oh, no.
- Not this again.
[groans and chatter.]
No.
[rock music.]
The weatherâs terrible.
What do you want to do? - Should we see a bad movie? - Oh, definitely.
And in honor of your dad, when the lights come up.
Iâm gonna say, "I loved it!" And in honor of Elmer, I will expose my genitals to everyone at Fandango.
Hey, look whoâs open to love again.
To be honest, I got to episode 13 of Kevin Spaceyâs Master Class, and it was pretty much just him yelling at the lighting guy to try to make his wig look real, and I thought, "I donât want to be like that.
" Good for you.
Iâm proud of you.
You sure youâre not disappointed in me in not telling the Gadzooks people to go fuck themselves? Of course not.
This is show business.
Weâve done worse for less.
[horn honking.]
Hey, are you guys the folks that ordered the Here Comes the Choo-Choo? Hope you donât mind sitting backwards in the caboose.
Maybe we should just say fuck the Amber Alert and take the subway.
They say we shouldnât take it.
- They donât say we canât take it.
- Yeah.
I donât know if itâs Elmer or what, but life is too short to wait around, whether itâs for a car thatâs wearing a hat or a boyfriend or the perfect opportunity for you to write your own movie.
Yeah, besides, weâre New Yorkers; we hate waiting.
Yeah, weâre impatient and unhappy.
By the way, in those Master Class videos, did Kevin Spacey say anything about Robin Wright? Specifically whether or not she keeps M&Mâs in that hole she has in her collarbone? Oh, yeah, she does, but she only eats them - on her cheat day.
- [laughs.]
Oh, my God, itâs Pizza Rat! [laughter.]
[Belle & Sebastianâs "The Party Line".]
[driving punk rock music.]
MAN: How did I get here? I heard a rumor From your girlfriendâs sister That you knew me And you end up dancing close to me
Itâs short for Goatee Express because their cars have goatees on them.
Ugh, these ride sharing apps are so humiliating.
But what are we supposed to do? New York Cityâs on high alert, and weâre not supposed to use the subways.
What choice do we have besides riding in cars with facial hair on them? My favorite Penny Marshall- Drew Barrymore collaboration.
And here I am running around, and I still canât find a Yahrzeit candle for my dad.
I donât understand.
How is this New York? When the cityâs on edge, everybody just stocks up on things like candles.
They donât care that theyâre Jewish memorial candles you light on the anniversary of a loved oneâs death.
Why would they care this is the first time since 2010 I havenât been able to light a candle for my dad? And that was a tough year.
We lost my dad, and Mel Gibson said you can see Oksanaâs pussy from behind.
I miss seeing movies with your dad.
He loved everything.
Remember that time we saw "Welcome to Mooseport" and the lights went up and he said, "I loved it.
" Meanwhile, I donât have a boyfriend, and I hate having all these human emotions.
Maybe I should just give up trying to find love, you know? Iâm gonna go the Kevin Spacey route.
Just stop trying to be a human being, and just focus on getting famous, and then after I have a Netflix show, focus all of my frustrations on a boyfriend young enough to be my own son.
I was about to say I donât think thereâs anything much more depressing than that, but here comes our ride.
[horn honking.]
I canât believe that stupid goatee is gonna be the last thing we ever see before weâre brutally murdered.
Loophole, come to bed.
You only got nine hours last night, and I never heard the end of it.
I canât.
I have to recap "Bachelorette," which is what you do when you donât have a real job writing comedy for television.
Iâm not taking your rose.
You hooked up with those two guys on the show.
I heard you blew them.
Oh, that is so fucked up.
I mean, just because Ashley has the good sense to chow down on the free chorizo buffet ABC was kind enough to lay out for her, that dipshit is shaming her like sheâs some kind of a whore.
An update on the cityâs terror threat, which has been raised from rose gold to bronze.
Fuck, this better not dip into the rest of the show.
I taped this.
Goddamn it.
How am I supposed to do my recap? Why donât you just go online, and find out who she sent home, and take it from there, dad bod? Yeah, tell me who went home, Jezebel.
Oh, Jesus Christ, Fern Fujihara? This 14-year-old took a picture of a doughnut that she put on a rodentâs head, and now sheâs repped by CAA? Fuck this world.
Good night, Blu-ray.
Wow, your editor was okay with you submitting this personal essay instead of your "Bachelorette" recap? To be honest with you I donât think she even read it.
I feel like she just hits publish.
Thereâs rumors that sheâs actually a goose.
I canât believe you wrote your 9/11 piece.
It must have taken you all night.
Well, I procrastinated a little.
Oh, was that when you sent me the link to Kevin Spaceyâs online acting classes? As a matter of fact, it is.
A $90 gag gift, but it will be worth every penny as long as it takes you a step further on your journey to becoming Mr.
Kevin Spacey.
Oh, it already is.
Look at this.
Sometimes you are the chicken, and sometimes you are the corn.
Ah, thatâs amazing! What are you two sucking each otherâs dicks about now? Julie wrote an article about how during the week of 9/11 she was so overcome with grief that she self-medicated by fucking 9 random guys and blowing 11.
Way to give Donald Rumsfeld exactly what he wanted.
Oh, are we talking about sowing our wild oats? Hey, do you want to hear the story about the scar I got on Merv Griffinâs houseboat? No, go away.
Okay, fine, I havenât shaved anyway.
Speaking of which, my big wedding is in two days, and you all are invited to my bachelorette party.
Why donât you call it a bachelor party, you Goddamn Teletubby? Lola, am I or am I not allowed to call my bachelorette party whatever I want? I donât care.
I hate you.
And donât you even think of misgendering me by inviting me to your party.
You better work.
Matthew, I am a transwoman not a drag queen, you fucking retard, and I can say that because I used to be one.
Oh, shit, I meant faggot.
Sorry, Matthew.
- None taken, doll.
- Oh! [upbeat music.]
Oh, noodles, look at you.
You took our date night seriously.
What? Date night? Oh, shit, I thought you were joking.
No, I have plans with Billy tonight.
He did a headshot mailing and got us gigs as seat fillers at the Mark Twain Awards ceremony.
Theyâre honoring "Mozart in the Jungle" this year.
I was going to bring this up during dinner, but, string cheese, I got a call from my mother today.
She and my dad read your piece.
Oh, did they like it? They were disappointed that it was so tonally different than my brotherâs wedding announcement in their golf clubâs newsletter.
- Thatâs fair enough.
- Bank holiday, I didnât know you were writing about me too.
Arthur, you read it too! Yes, you made our relationship seem like a humdrum destination after all the grief-related fucking and sucking.
Wow, sounds like someoneâs jealous of something that happened 15 years ago, which was not my fault, Arthur.
It was Al Qaedaâs.
So if you want to be mad at someone, be mad at Mohamed Atta.
I am.
[rock music.]
Iâm so glad we got a driver who needed to tell us his opinions on musical theater.
I donât care how many Tonyâs it won.
The only thing more insufferable than "Fun Home" is riding in this car with you idiots.
Serves us right for getting a cut rate Uber ride sharing bad jalopy with a bush on the grill.
A fucking nightmare.
You know, talking to strangers is, in a way, its own kind of terrorism.
Kevin Spacey says to always initiate a scene even if the other actor technically talks first.
Jesus Christ.
Is this the line? Yeah, theyâre doing a bag check because of the bronze alert.
Thank you.
See, that is the only extent to which I am comfortable talking to stranger.
How crazy is this weather? - No, no, no, no, no.
- Turn around asshole.
Okay, so the comments on my 9/11 essay are only getting meaner.
Listen to this one.
"Whore should have spent her week volunteering at Ground Zero instead of fitting 11 dicks in her mouth.
" Whoâs to say you couldnât do both? That was a long week.
- Yeah, multi-tasking.
- Excuse me.
Iâm sorry to overhear, but did you write that article about fucking 9 guys and blowing 11 during the week of 9/11? I certainly did, and I certainly did.
- I like that piece.
- Hey, thanks.
Iâm Sarah Nussbaum.
Iâm a development executive at Josh Gadâs company, Gadzooks.
Wow, Josh Gadâs company is based in New York? Julie, the terrorists donât stand a chance.
So whatâs Josh Gad like? Oh, I donât know.
Iâve never met him.
Heâs really busy, but Iâm in charge of the film department there.
Has anyone ever talked to you about optioning that essay? Well, sometimes when I take a bath I pretend my dogs are Dana Brunetti and Kevin Spacey and I pitch them, but- - Aw, thatâs really sad.
Why donât you come by tomorrow, and weâll talk about it? - Seriously? - Yeah.
Oh, my God.
Yes, thank you.
Okay, so now Iâm going to go back to standing behind you silently so itâs nice and awkward.
Really? No, Iâm going to go to the front and tell security Iâm a VIP.
See you tomorrow.
- Julie, thatâs awesome! - Aaaah! Wow, you know, Iâd heard about adult coloring books and how theyâre supposed to relieve stress, but I didnât realize they depicted actual adult situations, you know? but look how pretty I made my herniated disks.
Oh, yeah.
We love how you can breathe color into certain situations - like, considering an affair.
- Mm-hmm.
Which is why we optioned it for a movie.
Great idea.
Speaking of which, we think your essay would make a really great movie.
We love how empowering it is to young women.
You know, that was my goal.
Yeah, I remember thinking half way through blow job number eight, "Someday thisâll be good for women.
" We love things that are good for women.
Thereâs so much out there thatâs bad for women.
So much bad for women.
But then someone comes along whoâs brave, whoâs not a size zero, but is still okay with being seen, and that is so empowering.
Because then youâre like, "At least Iâm not as fat as her.
" - Right? - Yes.
Yeah.
The point is, weâre so excited to bring your voice to film.
And we have an amazing co-writer we want you to meet.
This means so much to me, you guys.
You know, recently I was actually kind of worried that I wasnât a girls girl.
- Donât be a stupid bitch.
- [laughter.]
I even hung out with a group of Italian girls from New Jersey who, as I think about it, were pretty anti-Semitic.
But now I realize I can fit in with other girls, and I donât need to pretend to be someone else.
You know what else is empowering? Do you know that musical, "Fun Home?" Weâre making that into an online multi-platform game for Xbox.
- What a great idea.
- Right? I love "Fun Home.
" - Yeah! - [laughter.]
Poor Matthew.
One sip of a Capri Tini and heâs out like a light.
You would think that a Capri Sun with a splash of rosé wouldnât have that much kick, and yet My baby may not be able to handle alcohol, but he can handle plenty of other things, - you know what I mean? - Yes.
- My cock.
- Nope, no.
- Itâs a big one.
- Iâm leaving.
Hey, Denise and I said weâd only pay you to be at this party if you stayed the whole time.
Youâre right.
And Kevin Spacey does say, "If they pay you, you have to show up.
" Thatâs from class eight which is exclusively about his voiceover work in "A Bugâs Life.
" Letâs start playing the games.
Pass the torch? - Whereâs the candle? - Oh.
This was the last one left at the deli.
I can fit this in, but whoever I pass it to had better be very relaxed.
Itâs ass to ass, men, as we did it in the Great War.
Are you in? No.
And, Nate, that is a Yahrzeit candle.
You light one on the anniversary of someoneâs death.
I was looking for one for my dad.
Oh, well, letâs do that instead of Elmerâs weird game.
Okay, but you have to keep it burning for 24 hours.
Well, what the fuck am I supposed to do, go slink off into a corner and self-suck my own hog? - Iâm straight.
- This party is no fucking good.
I hate to admit this, Mr.
Brunetti, Mr.
Spacey, but Iâm really nervous.
Gadzooks is sending over this hot shit writer tomorrow, Harvey something, and if we hit it off, weâre gonna write our 9/11 movie together.
Noodles, whenever you do pitch meetings in the middle of the night, I donât have hot water to take a shower.
I have to talk to the dogs because every time I bring up my essay with you, you get all weird.
Now, please, take Mr.
Spacey for a walk.
I think he took a shit under the couch.
[light rock music.]
[knock at door.]
Harvey, known for comedy.
"Blues Brothers 2000.
" "Police Academy 6.
" And if youâre asking yourself, what could I bring to your little fuck romp, I was executive consultant on "Red Shoe Diaries," seasons 3, 6, and a good chunk of 8.
Whereâs your toilet? Matthew, I have been here corpse-sitting your fiancé, but this "Weekend at Bernieâs" is coming to a close, and his best friend, Marie, hasnât even shown up yet.
Her flight was delayed because of the terror alert.
Well, I donât know what you want me to do.
Heâs moping around here like Tony Bennett during Gagaâs parts of "Baby Itâs Cold Outside.
" Get over here, and pick him up.
Iâm getting married tomorrow.
I canât have Elmer see me before the wedding.
Itâs bad enough Iâve been sending pics of my hole from the salon.
This bleacherâs a maestro.
Do you have anything else you want to say that proves Victoria Jackson was right? Or else Iâm hanging up.
Good-bye.
- Hey.
- Oh, hey, Arthur.
Julieâs not here.
I donât know where she is.
Sheâs home.
Sheâs not talking to me.
She has some writer guy coming over so I came to talk to you.
Look, Arthur, I donât want to get involved.
You know how she wrote this provocative article, and she says Iâm slutshaming her? What, were you freaked out that she fucked 20 guys - in a week? - Lightweight.
So, what, were you jealous? Is it weird if I say yes? Well, it is a little straight guy of you, but Well, I donât exactly think of myself as the mouth-breathing caveman type.
Arthur, I donât know from sexism, okay? When I saw "I Stand With Wendy" was trending on Twitter, I thought the Snapple lady had died, but I guess I do think that when you judge someone for sucking too much dick, youâre dragging gay men and straight women down.
Iâm the opposite of homophobic.
Then prove it.
Suck my dick.
No, thank you.
Anyone who dates Julie is gonna have to be a little gay.
Iâm not saying effeminate, although, you know, you already straddle that line with a very delicate balance.
I like my handkerchief collection.
Yeah, me too.
Please, donât even look at him.
Heâll take it the wrong way.
All Iâm saying is, gays, we donât really get jealous of the guys that came in the past.
Treat Julie right now, and you wonât have to worry about there being guys that come after you.
Yeah, that makes sense.
Thank you.
- Yeah, come here.
- Oh, come here.
- All right.
- Ah, now at last - weâre getting somewhere.
- Go home.
- Bye.
- Save yourself.
Pull that zipper back up.
Zip it, zip it.
There you go.
So I said to Miss Sherilyn Fenn, "Hey, missy, you could be replaced.
" But this was when my IBS was at its peak.
Would you like to see my CableACE Award? No, thank you, Harvey, for the third time.
And would you please keep the food that you brought and refused to share in your mouth and not on the floor, okay? My dogs canât eat that much pastrami.
- Noodles, whatâs that smell? - Itâs bad ideas and whatever cologne this hack bathed in.
That, pussy, is my foot spray.
How are you? Harvey.
Known for comedy.
Would you like to see my CableACE Award? This one was for "Dream On," the first sitcom to show yabbos.
Iâm Arthur Tack, Julieâs boyfriend.
Boyfriend? - Really? - Yeah, why? Iâve always been fascinated by men who are interested in loose women.
- Excuse me? - No, no, no, you like what you like.
I like what I like.
And, aah, "Different Strokes," a sitcom, by the way, that fired me because they claimed that my pitches were racist and unfunny.
Here, let me tell you why I should be able to use the N word.
Listen, you dinosaur, you donât get to come into my house and slutshame my girlfriend.
No, no, no shame, just some girls are meant to schtup and some are meant to marry.
Whomever my girlfriend was intimate with before she met me has nothing to do with me and is nothing for her to be embarrassed by.
Besides, I fucked inexperienced women before and itâs awful.
Well, I am not leaving until I finish my sour pickle.
In fact, Iâll bet Carrot Top here has left many a man with a case of sour pickle.
You son of a bitch.
Oh.
- Ow, ow, ow.
- How do you like that? - Stop.
- Oh, Jesus.
[laughing and grunting.]
Ow, ow, not my hair.
Ow, ow, my face.
Sweetie, whatâs the Zappos password again? So youâre sure youâre okay with me not wanting to work with Harvey? Oh, my God.
Of course.
I was so nervous when I called you.
Oh, no, in fact, we think we found a brilliant solution.
A brilliant solution.
Fern, come in and say hi.
Hi.
Oh, such an original voice.
Julie, meet Fern Fujihara.
She Snapchats food that she doesnât eat that she balances on the forehead of her guinea pig, and she is going to be adapting your life story for the screen.
Wait, Iâm sorry, so you want me to write a screenplay with a 14-year-old? Oh, no, sheâs gonna write it with Harvey.
You said you didnât want to.
But donât worry, sheâs gonna write it in your voice.
Sheâs gonna write it in my voice? Who is she, Rich fucking Little? Whoâs that? Does he write for Rookie? No, no, no, no.
This is my story.
This is my voice.
Nobody can write in my voice.
- Julie.
- Whereâs Josh Gad? Josh Gad? Julie, heâs not here.
- Josh Gad? - Heâs never here.
Josh? So you told them to eat shit? Well, technically I blamed my little outburst on low blood sugar, locked myself in the ladies room, ate a Twix bar, and when I came out I said that Harvey and Fern were a dream pairing, and Iâd love to be involved with the project in any capacity.
Oh, this is so degrading.
I bet this is what Kevin Spacey feels like when some hot, young Latino guy doesnât get his Jack Lemmon impression.
Well, the good news is if I make nice and hang out, they might even let me name some of the characters.
So youâre not giving up? No.
Iâm selling out.
Well, as long as life continues to disappoint us, Iâm going to pee.
Excuse me.
Oh, hey, Iâm just looking for the bathroom.
Come here.
I need help with my cuff link.
Iâm so sorry, I have to pee.
No, come on, give an old-timer a hand, you piece of shit.
Okay.
They belonged to my grandfather.
Genuine wooly mammoth ivory.
I feel like Carl Reiner interviewing the 2, 000-year-old bottom.
First of all, Iâm versatile.
Second, I know you think Iâm a walking corpse that you have nothing in common with, but youâre wrong.
Ah, thank you.
When I was your age I was just as single as you are, and things were a lot worse back then.
Were they? Because now everyone lives in constant fear of terrorism, and everyone meets on their phones now, and you got to be a fucking bear or an otter, and even if you do meet someone, you never really know who they are, and then they turn out to be fucking cannibals or theyâre old-timey neo-Nazis.
What the fucking fuck? Why me? Because you say shit like "why me?" Self-pity is like eating a piece of bad fish.
- And Iâm not talking about pussy.
- Delightful.
Can you get to the point of your elderly wisdom please? I must pee.
[stammering.]
When you eat bad food you feel sick, you fart all the time, and no one wants to be around you.
And thatâs where you are.
Youâre a big fart, and no one wants to be around you.
Excuse me? I have friends.
A friend.
Then stop being such an impatient New Yorker.
It took me 97 years to meet Matthew, but if you think I spent my whole life without love, youâre as stupid as Fatty Arbuckle, that stupid piece of shit.
So glad you brought him up.
Elmer.
Oh, Elmer, darling.
I am so sorry Iâm late.
Marie.
Mwah.
Marie.
Youâre real.
Whoâs this idiot? Oh, heâs just some mopey little faggot whoâs convinced heâs gonna die alone.
Oh, well, boo fucking hoo.
Iâm Elmerâs hag.
Do you know, those pig fuckers at the TSA patted me down so hard I almost squirted.
But itâs gonna take more than a second 9/11 to keep me away from my best friendâs gay wedding.
Marieâs the gal whose love sustained me through the last century.
Oh, and not the easiest century for gay men either.
- Nor sluts.
- Hey, fuck you.
- Ha! - We have fun.
This looks familiar.
Marie? Who knew? Her and Elmer are actually pretty cute.
Arthur, what happened to your eye? I incurred the displeasure of a hacky comedy writer who called Julie a hooker.
Oh, Iâm sorry.
Excuse me, you look familiar.
Did we? - Fuck the week of 9/11? - Yes! - [both laughing.]
- How are you? Iâm great.
You look well.
You look well.
Speaking of, I mean, this wedding Oh, got you.
[mumbling.]
Great seeing you.
Never forget.
Hi, everyone.
My name is Rita, and Iâm an ordained minister, and Iâll be performing todayâs nuptials.
Another fun fact is I live in the attic of this banquet hall with my roommate, Kiki.
If thereâs anyone in the congregation whoâd like to buy some uppers, ludes, angel dust or bennies, Iâm holding.
She sure is.
And you know what else Kikiâs holding? Key to my heart.
Oh, really.
Youâre too much.
So we have to save the rest for later.
Letâs get this road on the show.
Hit it, Kiki.
[electronic rendition of "The Wedding March".]
Ladies and gentlemen, this eveningâs performance, the role of the wedding, will now be played by a funeral.
Apparently Elmer has suddenly died.
- What? - Chord change.
Okay, everybody stay in their seats.
No.
This happens all the time, okay? Funeral.
Funeral.
Super sweet 16.
Father-daughter virginity pledge, oh, my God.
Ladies and gentlemen, ever since Elmer and I met, he has died, technically, every day, from between 30 seconds and four minutes.
Even still, I find myself completely unprepared.
Key of B flat please.
Thank you.
["Ave Maria" playing.]
Ah.
Ave Maria Gratia plena Maria Gratia plena Maria gratia plena Just think, someday that could be us.
I hope I fit into a body bag that size.
Elmer and I met at a urinal.
I remember the first thing I said was, "Hey, save some of that for me.
" - Oh, no.
- Not this again.
[groans and chatter.]
No.
[rock music.]
The weatherâs terrible.
What do you want to do? - Should we see a bad movie? - Oh, definitely.
And in honor of your dad, when the lights come up.
Iâm gonna say, "I loved it!" And in honor of Elmer, I will expose my genitals to everyone at Fandango.
Hey, look whoâs open to love again.
To be honest, I got to episode 13 of Kevin Spaceyâs Master Class, and it was pretty much just him yelling at the lighting guy to try to make his wig look real, and I thought, "I donât want to be like that.
" Good for you.
Iâm proud of you.
You sure youâre not disappointed in me in not telling the Gadzooks people to go fuck themselves? Of course not.
This is show business.
Weâve done worse for less.
[horn honking.]
Hey, are you guys the folks that ordered the Here Comes the Choo-Choo? Hope you donât mind sitting backwards in the caboose.
Maybe we should just say fuck the Amber Alert and take the subway.
They say we shouldnât take it.
- They donât say we canât take it.
- Yeah.
I donât know if itâs Elmer or what, but life is too short to wait around, whether itâs for a car thatâs wearing a hat or a boyfriend or the perfect opportunity for you to write your own movie.
Yeah, besides, weâre New Yorkers; we hate waiting.
Yeah, weâre impatient and unhappy.
By the way, in those Master Class videos, did Kevin Spacey say anything about Robin Wright? Specifically whether or not she keeps M&Mâs in that hole she has in her collarbone? Oh, yeah, she does, but she only eats them - on her cheat day.
- [laughs.]
Oh, my God, itâs Pizza Rat! [laughter.]
[Belle & Sebastianâs "The Party Line".]
[driving punk rock music.]
MAN: How did I get here? I heard a rumor From your girlfriendâs sister That you knew me And you end up dancing close to me