Dilbert (1999) s02e10 Episode Script

Who has that much fun? What kind of idiot can have that much fun? Is he oblivious or just plain stupid? You know, I have excellent hearing.
You can speak much, much lower.
Hey, wait a minute.
That's Jerrold, my old work colleague.
Now it all makes sense.
He is AN IDIOT.
Well, well, if it isn't my old co-worker, Dilbert.
Hey, old buddy, how they hanging? I'd rather not answer that.
Suit yourself.
I haven't seen you since you got fired for gross incompetence.
Well, as you can see, incompetence is paying very well these days.
I'm revving too.
You just can't hear it because it's an electric car.
Yeah? Mine's not! You seem to be doing very well.
What kind of drugs are YOU DEALING? Oh, I'm still an engineer just like you.
Ouch.
You are? It's too bad you stayed at your company instead of trying the open market for engineers.
We're quite in demand, as you can see and hear.
I'm revving again.
At my new job, I've made millions in stock options.
It's casual day every DAY Beer blasts on Fridays I get free massages at my desk- a mahogany desk, which happens to be in a private office! Come on, turn already.
Eat my dust, Turtle-boy! You can pull into the intersection.
No cops for miles.
You can't violate the law just because you know you won't get caught.
Trust me, that's the best TIME.
Mommy! Down periscope.
The weird thing is that I'm jealous of him and yet I hate him, which means if I became like him, I would hate myself.
Logically, then, I must want TO HATE MYSELF.
I'll make the engine noise if you just shut up and drive.
Deal.
Vroom Do you think I'm a loser because I stay with my company? Yes.
It's just that one REASON.
Thank you.
I think.
Engine Oh, sorry.
Vroom, vroom.
Vroom.
So, just because he's got millions in stock options and lives a life of wealth and opulence essentially doing the same job I do doesn't mean he's happy, and even if he is HAPPY, IS THAT THE GOAL? Good point- touche.
Now, get out.
I come here every day because I'm challenged by my job.
I find a sense of fulfillment that no material object could ever Don't wait up.
I can never make it do that.
Hey, be careful with the car! I ran into Jerrold, our old co-worker, yesterday.
The only person ever to be fired from this company for incompetence? He's working for some other company now.
What's that? It is an old sponge.
On my salary as an intern, I cannot afford to waste anything.
I didn't know a person could live on sponges.
This one has absorbed many food-related stains.
It would be a shame to throw it away.
Mm mm As I was saying, Jerrold is making a fortune working for this other company.
Dishwater from last night.
It makes a delicious beverage.
So I'm wondering if we're missing the boat by staying at this company.
Excuse me.
According to Jerrold, engineers are worth a lot of money now.
We could leave this place and be treated like rock stars.
I don't know who this Jerrold fellow is, but there are no engineering jobs outside this company- None, zero, zippo, Zorro, mulch.
You lost me on "Zorro.
" You've never heard of Zorro? Not in this context.
You ought to try reading a book once in a while.
I think you're lying.
All right, you got me.
I've never read a book either.
I also have no idea who Zorro is.
No, I mean about the engineering jobs.
Really? How can you tell? When you lie you're bald.
As I was saying, there are no other engineering jobs anywhere.
May I ask why you're wearing a lobster bib? And why don't we ever see managers eating in the cafeteria? Where do YOU GO TO EAT? Managers don't eat.
Come on! Work with me! I think the managers have some sort of secret executive dining room.
That is the most ridiculous thing I have ever if you An executive dining room? Get a load of Well, I never Sorry, wrong vending machine.
You're late.
Were you followed? They don't suspect a thing Good.
But there's been a breach in security.
The engineers found out they can get jobs at other companies.
How could that happen? Brewster, we still control the media, don't we? Yes, thanks to our generous advertising budget.
And we know the engineers have no friends to tell them of the outside world? I overheard them say It came from someone named "Jerrold.
" Last name? I didn't catch it.
Have everyone named Jerrold killed immediately.
Is that Gerald with a G or Jerrold with a J? Can you just kill them all phonetically? Right away, sir.
I have the same problem with clams.
By the time I eat a dozen of those little guys, I'm exhausted.
You have trouble opening the shells? Wh wh wh Clams have shells? Okay, people, first order of business- The J.
F.
K.
Assassination.
Do we have a status report? As you know, our marketing stunt in November of '63 wherein we assassinated President Kennedy to bring attention to our line of pillbox hats has continued to have unforeseen repercussions.
"Repercussions," you say? You know, I play the drums.
Oh, really? Oh, really, you do? Well, it's not so much playing as it is hitting them with a stick.
At least, that's what I would DO IF I HAD drums.
That's what they're for, you know.
You know, sometimes, I think it might be wrong to manipulate world events just to sell women's hats.
Very funny.
You got me again.
But, seriously, what about this problem with the engineers? We have reports of headhunters with lucrative job offers getting through the radar.
Yes? Hello phone number 555-0172.
Are you or anyone you know an engineer? I'm an engineer.
Ka-ching! I'm an executive recruiter.
Did you know that as an engineer you can get a better job at another company with your own personal climbing wall, complimentary tai chi classes, and unlimited cappuccino, and I can get $20,000 for making this phone call? Our company newsletter says there are no jobs at other companies.
If we leave here, we'll die a slow and horrible death.
It's all described in the sidebar.
No, no.
They're just saying that.
We have a security breach.
It's a headhunter.
I'm tracing his call.
Got him.
Dispatch him in the usual way.
Very good, sir.
Hello? Hello? Hmm must've lost the connection.
Yes, but the damage is done.
They've heard about the outside world.
Maybe we could bribe them to stay.
You know, give them one of those uh you know one of those, uh Climbing walls? No, no.
Uh, tai chi classes? No! Cappuccino makers? Uh-uh.
Increase in pay? Yes! That's it.
I love guessing games.
Oh, what number am I thinking of? Nah, never mind- it's a letter.
No, no, it's not that serious yet.
That's absolutely a last-ditch measure.
First, let's try promoting one of the engineers to management.
This will give them all a false impression that they have a "career path" with this company.
But who? Upon whom shall we bestow such a lofty mantle? What did he say? He said "who"? This darn machine never works.
Nobody ever fixes it.
There's your new manager.
Should we give him the soda? Nah Dilbert, I've decided to promote you to management.
What? Why? I didn't do anything wrong.
At least nothing that you know about.
It's our way of showing the engineers that there is a career path at this company.
No need to go sniffing around on the outside.
I don't want to be a manager.
I'm trying to do something nice for you.
Well, stop it.
I don't like it.
All right.
You drive a hard bargain.
I shouldn't do this, but I'm assigning you an assistant.
How about that? Let's hear you squawk now.
I don't want an assistant.
I don't need AN ASSISTANT.
I just want to be an engineer.
Think of it as a perk.
No need to thank me.
Alfonso! Dilbert, this is Alfonso, your new assistant.
Yeah.
Can I take the rest of the week off? I have allergies.
You just started.
Ooh! Crack the whip.
Old Zeke.
I thought you were dead.
Technically, yeah, but I need the money, so I'll keep working.
I got the strangest call today.
Some guy claimed there are jobs for engineers outside this company.
I think he was a nut.
Oh, there are engineering jobs outside this company, all right.
Yeah, I seen them.
Really? Those other companies, they treat an engineer like a prize pig.
I'd like to be treated like a prize pig.
I've always wanted to wear a ribbon and oink.
But I don't think I could ever find another company that didn't insist I actually work.
I have a pretty good arrangement here.
It doesn't hurt to try.
That hasn't been my experience.
Whenever I TRY, IT HURTS.
I know, I know.
You got me.
That's just something I say.
And you know what else? A watched pot does BOIL.
Yeah, I tried it.
Maybe I should at least go to some interviews.
It would be nice to have someone treat me with respect.
They'll wine and dine you and tell you how wonderful you are.
Then you can turn them down before they make you work.
Wow, it's like being a pretty woman.
I've always wanted to be a pretty woman.
More than a prize pig? You don't get it, do you? Don't look now, but there's something following you.
That something is my new assistant.
I forgot his name.
And so it begins.
Assistant? Engineers don't have assistants.
Only managers have assistants.
Uh I got promoted to management.
You did? Not Wally or me? Wally? I used Wally's name to camouflage my own selfish ambitions.
You want TO BE MANAGEMENT? I don't want you TO BE.
You try to boss me around, and they'll have to remove that assistant from you with forceps.
You got me? Well, looks like someone got promoted to management.
There but for the grace of God I don't see why he gets an assistant and we don't.
I thought you WERE MY ASSISTANT.
I am not YOUR ASSISTANT! I just do all the work that you don't do because you're too lazy to do it, and otherwise it wouldn't get done.
It's a fine line.
As God is my witness, I will HAVE AN ASSISTANT SOME DAY.
Well, make sure you get a good one.
I don't want someone doing a bad job on your WORK that was originally my WORK.
Wally, you're a real original, but just for the heck of it, let's see if we can make a copy.
Help! Help! Guess not.
Paper jam! Hey, is it okay if I bring my piano to work? No, that is not okay.
What if somebody else brings it in, and I just play it? How about that? You're supposed to be helping me, not making my life a burden with your annoying requests.
Well, excuse me for not having a written job description.
I believe that's your JOB TO GIVE ME ONE.
You're my assistant.
How hard is that to understand? You assist me.
If you told me to stick my head in a pile of manure, I wouldn't do that.
That wouldn't be assisting me.
Oh, yes.
You're right.
You're always right.
I'm just the assistant.
Okay.
What if a piano just sort of showed up? Would that be okay? No piano! Is this a bad time to talk about a raise? I want you to make Asok my assistant.
If I made Asok your assistant, it would destroy his tiny ego.
So you'll do it? I'll need more than that.
Help me help you.
All right, let's see.
It would breed resentment throughout the entire employee population? Uh-huh.
Nice.
You make a strong case.
Are you thinking? No, I'm toying with you.
All right, I'll do it- on one condition.
Name it.
I have to be there to hear him scream when you tell him.
Deal.
Hi.
I'm an engineer.
Code blue.
I repeat, code blue.
Yes, a company jet.
What else? Hmm.
Did I say a llama? Yes.
Did I say a company jet for my llama? Would you consider sharing your company jet with your llama? Share a jet with a llama? That's crazy talk.
I'm outta here.
I'm so sorry.
Yes, yes.
Jet for your llama.
Stop moving your head around so much.
Well, the paperwork is done.
You're my assistant now.
What? Read and weep.
No! Who wants to start the weekly status reports? I will.
This week, I discovered a glorious world outside this company, a world where engineers are treated like gods.
No, you didn't.
Yes, I did.
Despite what you read in the company newsletter, engineers are in high demand at other companies.
No, they aren't.
I would have taken another job, but negotiations broke down over one point.
They expected you to work? Exactly.
Fortunately, I was too clever to fall for the old bait-and-switch, but I kept the llama.
And what is your name again? It's, uh Allen.
Allen.
Okay, who's next? I spent the entire week trying to manage my new assistant.
Thursday, for example, was consumed by our debate on how bad a haircut has to be before you can take a sick day to recover.
I contend it has to sever an artery.
I spent the week plotting to make Asok my assistant.
My status does not matter.
I am only an assistant.
So let me get this straight.
None of you dad-blasted flibbertigibbets did any work this week? Don't tell me you're jumping on that bandwagon too.
Next week, I'll get a lot done now that I have the best assistant in the department.
I don't know about that.
My assistant is plenty capable.
Your ASSISTANT IS PATHETIC.
He is not pathetic.
My assistant can beat your assistant at anything anywhere! Just name the time and place.
Is this really a wise idea? What did I tell you before? Everything I do is a reflection on you.
Maybe you'd like to have a little wager.
Maybe I would.
Two assistants go in, but only one comes out unmarked.
I'm afraid.
If you win this, you can have the piano in the office.
I don't play.
You know the rules.
You realize I never even wanted to have an assistant.
Neither did I, but I couldn't stand the thought of you getting a leg up on me.
I'm loathe to admit it, but I felt the same way.
I guess we were both pretty petty.
I guess we were.
Oh, well.
Begin! I will mark you so bad! Not if I mark you first! So how do you like being a manager? Well, I accomplished nothing except toying with the lives of innocent people for my own amusement.
That's my favorite part too.
Could I just go back to being an engineer? I think I've made my point that engineers have a career path.
There was a point to all this? How about that? You call yourself an assistant? You're fired! Go back to being an intern.
Oh, thank you.
I think we all learned a valuable lesson this week.
Not me.
I learned not to keep a llama in my cubicle.
You mean that new stench isn't you? No, we learned that it's not perks or promotions that keep us at our jobs.
It's loyalty and love of our work.
The passion that we as engineers approach each day with.
Dilbert, Dilbert.
Uh yes? I appreciate your heartfelt sentiments.
And, with that in mind, I'm decreasing your pay, cutting your benefits, and increasing your hours.
Everybody, back to work! That's exactly my point.
I don't care.
I don't CARE.
I really don't care.
We have another security problem.
This time, an employee named Allen.
I didn't catch the last name.
Have everyone named Allen killed immediately.
Right away, sir.
Wait a minute! My name is Allen! Did anyone else just lose their appetite? No, no.
Not me.
Absolutely not.
Me neither.