Don't Trust the B---- in Apartment 23 s02e10 Episode Script

Okay, so cards on the table I'm not that great at dating.
My ex-fiancé and I were together since high school, so I just haven't had a ton of experience at it.
My roommate says you should treat dating as a game.
- What are you doing? - I'm talking to this guy.
No, why are you saying what you're saying? It's boring.
What? It's not boring.
I'm sorry.
My friend wants to apologize for her boringness.
I do not want to apologize for my boringness.
To make up for it, she'll show you her taters.
- My what? - You know, your rack.
Your guns.
Your geegaws.
Your jilk mugs.
See? So boring.
(Katie Hampton) * I'm not perfect, I'm no snitch * but I can tell you (whispers) * she's a (Buzzer) Ba-da-da-da-da-ba, ba-da-ba ba-da-da-da-da-ba, ba-da-ba (man) Okay, May, it's decision time.
You can only choose two of these three gentlemen to be in next week's finale.
Who's it gonna be? (Pounding) This is the hardest thing I've ever done, besides beat cancer.
You're so strong, May! Thank you, Sean.
Jackson Hey-o! (Deep voice) Yeah! Will you accept my golden spring? (Boing) Absolutely.
I am so glad that she didn't pick Sean.
Oh, me, too.
He's such a kiss-ass.
"You're so strong, May!" (Laughs) Who says that? (Monotone voice) * Sean is so lame Ugh.
You guys are still watching "Spring Into May?" That show sucks.
James is super judgy about TV hosts.
(Exhales) Look at that clown.
I'm a way better host than he is.
Stay tuned.
"Spring Into May" will be right back.
You guys should have seen the dating show I just hosted in Belgium.
And the lovers are spinning.
Diedrick, are you ready for your chance at unimaginable lust? Ja! (Laughs) Wonderbaar! Ahh.
Great taste.
Always one-of-a-kind.
It was a little all over the place.
I mean, the the wheels were dangerous.
But I had some really good ideas.
If the producers had just listened to me - Quiet! - It's back on! (Man) Then down to 24, then 14 (Chloe) Mm! (Giggles) Oh, yeah.
Whoo! Whoa.
(Giggles) Chloe, we're trying to watch something.
And I am trying to do someone.
Now stop watching these stupid dating shows and get in the game, June.
Go out and meet somebody.
I have very tough criteria.
He can't be from your work or your gym, or live in your building.
(Lowered voice) We don't work together anymore.
And he can't be someone that Chloe slept with, which is really hard to find.
Hello? How do you think I feel? I only sleep with guys I haven't slept with before.
You know my scorched earth policy.
Um, we've actually had sex before.
Oh.
Get out.
(Man) These 24 men (Door opens and closes) June, there are tons of guys in New York.
I'm gonna take you out and help you meet one.
(Lowered voice) Right here.
A good one.
(Mouth full) I mean, I was right there.
Why doesn't June ever consider me as someone she might wanna date? Dude, you're in the friend zone.
That's not one of her criteria.
That's an unspoken criteria.
The friend zone was also one of the ideas I had to improve that Belgian game show that I hosted.
See, all the contestants would put their friends in an area, or "zone.
" That sounds great, man.
Right? (Dance music playing) Okay, so we are not here to sit at the bar and compare tampons all night.
We are here to talk to guys.
And stop using your stupid criteria as an excuse to lay on the couch and eat Mexican sandwiches.
(LMAFO's "Sexy and I know it" playing) (Speaking inaudibly) (Whistles) (June, thinking) His nose is whistling.
(Whistles) His nose is whistling.
(Whistles) (Speaking inaudibly) This guy looks so angry when he talks.
He's not saying angry words, but he looks so mad.
I mean, he's talking about rainbows.
(Speaking inaudibly) This guy has orange mouth corners.
He's been eating a sloppy Joe, and he hasn't even wiped his face.
I'm just gonna wipe his mouth and get out of here.
Hey, you just did a good deed there.
- Oh, you saw that? - Oh, yeah.
I can't stand it when people have food on their face.
It's so - disgusting.
I know! - Disgusting.
I know! Except when it's my great aunt.
She's old, so I like helping her wipe her face.
Aw, that's sweet.
Anyway, I'm Daniel.
Hi, I'm June.
Okay, this is gonna sound weird, but you just like what I imagined Harry Potter would look like when I was reading the books.
Only the the grown-up man version.
Both my parents were also killed, but not by a wizard.
I'm kidding.
They're in Connecticut (Exhales) leading very active lives.
(Laughs) Can I buy you a drink? Yeah.
Sure.
Thank you.
Oh, God, you're never gonna believe this.
Okay.
No, no, I think I just met someone.
He's cute and he's single, and he has a good relationship with his great aunt.
Good.
Ask him out.
Really? Just like that? Of course.
You're gorgeous.
He'll be the luckiest guy here.
Just touch up your lip gloss a bit.
Yeah.
All right.
I'll do it.
Okay.
Hey, do you wanna go out sometime? Wow.
You're asking me out? Yeah.
Is that weird? No, no.
It's awesome.
The only weird thing is that two different girls just asked me out in the span of one minute.
What other girl asked you out? Uh, that girl right over there.
(Door opens) (Exhales) You walk fast for your leg length.
You were supposed to be helping me meet a guy, not finding one for yourself.
When did you even have time to ask him out? When you were putting on your lip gloss.
That was a diversion tactic on my part.
Frankly, you were kind of already wearing too much.
Why would you do that to me? I've always wanted what other people want.
You take something that's available who wants that? Take something from someone value.
Unbelievable.
This is not a game.
(Chair creaks) But it could be.
Ooh.
James has been sitting in that chair the whole time? I'm intrigued, James.
You two could compete for this guy.
What's his name? - Daniel.
- No earthly idea.
I'll set the rules, incorporating the ideas that I wanted to use in Belgium.
And if it works, I'll pitch it as a TV show and host it myself.
No! You can't toy with a person like that.
Besides, I would never compete against Chloe for a guy.
The first thing she'd do is just sleep with him.
You know it.
Well, June, as it just so happens, one of my rules is no sex for the first five dates.
That way Chloe can't gain an unfair advantage.
Boo.
So basically, either I don't play, in which case Chloe sleeps with Daniel and makes him undatable, or I actually play, and I have a chance to date him.
- Great.
You're in.
- Yeah, well, I'm out.
No sex for five dates sounds like torture.
Awesome.
So I get Daniel.
No.
You want him? He's mine.
I'm back in.
Value! Perfect! Okay.
(Deep voice) Let's mingle while we're single.
That's how the game starts.
The game just officially started.
That wasn't clear.
(Door slams) Okay, so here are the basic rules of the game Daniel cannot know you're competing for him.
You will each go on five platonic dates.
You will each get an interruption card, a cool-down card, and a monkey wrench card which can be played at any time.
You had cards made up? Aren't they beautiful? I can't take all the credit.
The woman at Kinko's had some great thoughts.
- Question.
- Yes.
Can we punch Luther? No.
So at the end of each date, I will count out the number of true connection moments you each have with Daniel.
Whoever has the most wins the round, and gets Beek bucks to use on their next date.
These are from the Van Der Beek Monopoly set I made last easter.
Luther, you are on it today.
I got great sleep last night.
(Knocking on door) I wanna play.
I don't even care who the guy is.
I just wanna play a game with Chloe.
Great.
Diversity.
Get in here.
Eee! (Whispers) Yes! (Giggles) - Form an alliance? - No.
This is great.
For the first round, I need you to write down your ideal date on that sheet of paper.
(Click) ("Think!" From "Jeopardy!" playing) (Clipboards clacking) So for your first date, June, you will be going to a dungeon.
Wait.
I-I didn't write down "dungeon.
" I wrote down "picnic.
" You and Chloe are switching dates.
No! God.
I'm weirdly into this.
I knew the whole thing was crazy, but I really liked Daniel.
I mean, we only chatted for a few minutes in the bar, but I hadn't felt a connection like that with someone in a long time.
So I guess I'm going on a date In a dungeon.
I have a vent in my apartment that lets me hear everything going on in apartment 23.
It's weird they never ask me how I always know what's happening.
Or how I've trained my body to get on Chloe's cycle.
(Techno music playing) So this is a dungeon.
Yeah.
I know, it's it's kind of weird.
No.
I'm just surprised you chose this place.
Good surprised? More like "why did I wear loafers to a dungeon?" surprised.
(Laughs) Hey, are you ready for another one? Yes, please.
Card.
Card.
Monkey card.
I interrupt your date with cards.
Get outta here.
Daniel and I just got here.
I am not leaving.
Um, those are the rules of the game, June.
Do you really wanna break the rules of the game? I didn't know the rules of the game.
I just wanted to slam down the cards and yell.
I hate games.
(Gasps) Daniel.
Chloe.
Wow.
That is so weird running into you here.
We're seeing each other tomorrow, right? She asked me to tell you she had an emergency.
She ran out of here holding her mouth and her butt.
Oh, my God.
Anyway, enough about her.
I'm here now, and this counts as a date.
Only four more until sex.
My man! So it's going well.
It's a little predictable.
I just (Sighs) it's good.
It's not great.
I feel like I need to shake things up, you know? Throw a curveball at 'em or something.
What are you talking about? Dating show I'm work-shopping with June and Chloe.
I'm really on to something with this show idea, I just I'm missing something.
You watch dating shows.
Any ideas? You want me to help set June up on dates? That's the exact opposite of something I'd be into.
Wait, you still have a crush on her? It hasn't been that long.
It's been, like, the longest crush of all time.
I've had about ten crushes since yours started.
(Dog barks) (Kids shouting playfully) This sucks.
This picnic was your idea.
Why'd you only bring one chair? Daniel, I don't I don't know, Daniel.
Do you want some food or something? Whiskey? An egg? An egg, I guess.
(Exhales deeply) (Cracks) Oh! God! It's not even hard-boiled! What? Anyway, this counts as a date.
Only three more until sex.
Oh, and when you're done, this chair has to be returned to Tony's Party Rentals.
You owe him 50 bucks.
His prices are pretty unreasonable.
Okay, ladies, now at this point in the game, none of you have scored any true connection moments with Daniel.
I would've had one if Chloe hadn't interrupted my date.
Now, Robin, you haven't even tried to meet Daniel yet.
Uh, I know.
I've got dudes comin' out of my ears.
This is ridiculous.
I am the only one who likes this guy.
Well, now here is your chance to prove it.
Our next challenge is a quiz round, sponsored by Diet Dr.
Pepper.
Dr.
Pepper loves everything I get involved with.
James Van Der Beek and Diet Dr.
Pepper D.
D.
P.
, J.
V.
B.
This challenge is designed to determine which of you has the brains to be with Daniel.
The winner will gain a very special advantage over the other contestants.
This is my concept that James has agreed to try.
I hope you like it.
It's called "things Luther knows, but wants to see if you know.
" (Clacks) The movie "The Help"! Okay.
First question.
Which planet in our solar system gets hit with the most asteroids? (Clacks) I have no idea! (Clacks) I have no idea, either.
We are the same.
Only buzz in if you know the answer.
Okay.
Who was that guy in the black-and-white Janet Jackson video in the desert who balanced on that big half-circle thing? (Clacks) I have no idea! (Clacks) I don't know, either.
- Djimon Hounsou.
- I knew that! James answered before I had a chance.
Tough to prove.
Okay, let's wrap this round up.
Whoever answers this next question will win the game.
What film (Clacks) The movie "The Help.
" Absolutely correct! - Chloe wins the game.
- Yes! Minny put poop in the pie.
Damn it.
I took out the wrong card.
Chloe, as winner of this game, you will receive the valuable mind fork.
(Gasps) In a much-needed twist, the mind fork will allow you access to one piece of personal information designed to blow one of the contestant's minds.
I give it to June right now.
(Laughs) Okay! All right.
I like it.
June, your mind-blowing piece of information is, Mark has a crush on you.
(Gasps) Ooh.
You just got mind forked.
(Imitates explosion) What? No.
Mark doesn't have a crush on me.
You guys made that up as part of a twist in the game.
I mean, right? Ooh, the mind fork is working! (Knock on door) Hey.
Uh, you left your wallet at Beans.
Ah.
Yes, I did.
On purpose? Tough to prove.
Point is, you're here.
June.
Mark's here.
Hey, Mark.
Funky Mark.
I was just leavin'.
Out the door, four-on-the-floor.
Okay.
Uh, are are we still on for the "Spring Into May" finale tomorrow? (Squeals) Yeah! Nasty! (Slaps) Buttocks.
Mind forked.
I was flustered.
If Mark really did have a crush on me which, by the way, is a big "if" I couldn't think about that right then.
I had to focus on Daniel and the next challenge.
We were meeting Daniel's great aunt.
We had to get her to say which girl she thought was best for Daniel.
But I was just happy to split a potpie with Chloe.
What do you mean, we can't split it? Ma'am.
It's a pot pie.
All the stuff inside it will spill out.
Why is it just problems with you? So Daniel seems like a really great guy, and he loves you very much.
(Oxygen tank hisses) I like your face hat.
(Hisses) I'd really like the chance to get to know him better, - so if you could just - Okay.
Are you ready for the next twist? Because here comes the double mind fork.
Daniel.
Aunt Aggie, are you okay? You can't eat anything here.
What is wrong with you two? I I get a phone call from James Van Der Beek, telling me that you stole my great aunt from her retirement home? I I had no idea you two even knew each other.
And now I find out you're playing some sick, real-life dating game? Hi.
I'm Robin.
I'm competing for you, too.
P.
S.
, I'm not attracted to you.
Daniel, I'm so sorry.
I thought this was the only way that I'd have a chance to get to know you.
Well, then, you're crazy.
This is crazy.
You're all insane.
Oh, my gosh.
I should have never listened to you.
I like this guy, and now it's all ruined, - because of you.
- Hey.
I liked him, too.
Only because I liked him.
And Robin's here because of you, and James is here because of his stupid game.
It is stupid.
I'm sorry, James, but it is a dumb game.
This isn't connected to anything.
(Cries) Oh, this is ridiculous.
I should have never let you talk me into something so dishonest and mean.
(Exhales deeply) Okay, Aunt Aggie, everything is fine now.
Blah! Whoa.
It smells like nuts in here.
What? I thought I made myself clear.
I don't want anything to do with you.
First of all, I don't believe you.
And second, I'm not here for me.
I'm here for June.
Look, she didn't want anything to do with this stupid game.
She just wanted to date you in a normal, boring way, and James and I didn't let that happen.
So she deserves another chance.
Don't be mad at her for what we did.
Look, I'm sorry, but June didn't have to go along with it if she didn't want to.
Now please leave so I can forget this ever happened.
(Aggie speaks indistinctly) What? Oh, that thing talks? June's a good girl.
Go to her.
Can you believe the old lady said "go to her"? I mean that's great television.
I don't know what Luther's talking about.
My show's incredible.
(Door opens) Mark, I got a hit on my hands.
All the twists and turns the mind fork really took the whole game to another level when I told June you had a crush on her.
You told June I have a crush on her? How could you do that? Oh, dude it helped my game.
Well, that's messed up, man! Your game isn't even real.
I wh what did she say? Well, not much, really.
I mean, she got back on Daniel pretty quick.
(Scoffs) She's fine.
Oh, good, 'cause I'm fine, too.
We're supposed to watch the finale of "Spring Into May" together tonight, and that'll be fine too.
See? Everybody wins on "James Van Der Beek presents: Date swap trivia fork.
" I don't have it yet.
I don't have the name, Mark.
I'm gonna go for a run.
(Bells jingle) (Cell phone chimes and vibrates) (Clatters) (Knock on door) Daniel.
What are you doing here? Chloe and Aunt Aggie convinced me to give you another chance.
Chloe? My Chloe? I was upset.
I don't appreciate being a pawn in someone else's game.
But I like you, and you seem like a good person.
I'm sorry.
No more games.
Just me and you, I promise.
Come in.
I'm actually watching the season finale of "Spring Into May," and May is about to give out her final golden spring.
I know it's stupid, but it's fun.
Do you want a burrito? Oh, God, no.
I hate burritos.
Why would I like a food that hides all its ingredients from view? It's like, let's buy a pair of shoes and just keep 'em in the box.
It's really not the same thing.
It kind of is.
No, it's actually it's not even close to you know, why am I defending burritos? We are missing the show.
(DVR bloops) So, May, you've had a chance to think it all through.
Who's it gonna be? (Pounding) It's kind of fun if you do this, get into it.
That's pretty weird.
* Could he have warned May any differently? So is that her boyfriend or something? No, that that's the host.
It started as 24 men, then down to So is she, like, a famous person or She's she's a regular girl.
But can you just be quiet, though, so we can hear? Right.
Got it.
Make her final decision as to who Hey, do you have anything else to eat besides burritos? And obviously not an egg roll, 'cause same issue.
Coming up next, we'll see which lucky guy she chooses.
Stay tuned.
I'm sorry, Daniel.
I just realized there's somewhere else I need to be.
What? I just don't think we're gonna work out.
Hi! Well, hello, lovebirds.
No.
(Sighs) No lovebirds.
It's not gonna work out.
But thank you so much for having a chat with him.
That was very cool of you.
I'm pretty cool.
So you wanna do stuff? What do you mean? You know, like stuff.
Oh, my God.
I wanna hook up with you even though June doesn't want to anymore.
(Gasps) That's growth.
(Robin, voice echoing) That is growth.
I'm proud of you, Chloe.
Thanks, God! (Chuckles) Hey.
Hey.
I hope it's okay that I'm here.
Yeah.
Of of course.
I couldn't watch the finale without you.
It just wouldn't be the same.
Mark, will you accept my silver burrito? (Laughs) I will.
Yes.
(Laughs) (Laughs) Did I miss anything? Yeah, like, 14 commercials for fabric softener.
So May hasn't given out her final golden spring? No.
They drag these things out so much.
Yeah.
It's okay.
I kind of never want it to end.
Yeah.
Me, too.
(Chuckles) (Man) Don't forget to tune in this September for the premiere of "Fall Into Autumn.
" (Door slams) So I didn't bring up the whole "Mark having a crush on me" thing 'cause I figured he could tell me when he's ready.
For now, I just enjoyed watching the show with my friend.
And that's pretty much it.
I literally didn't need any of that information.
None of it.
From any of you.
You're all here because I wanna know what happened to Daniel's aunt.
Now where is Agnes Whipple? Daniel took her back to the nursing home, and that's the last time we saw her.
Well, she's not there now.
Agnes Whipple is missing.
(Pounding on window) (Daniel) Where is she, you monsters?! That's a weird relationship, right? I mean, they're way too close.