Duck Dodgers (2003) s02e10 Episode Script
Diva Delivery / Castle High
You know what I don't understand, Cadet? Jumbo shrimp.
That just doesn't make sense.
That's an oxymoron, sir.
What did you call me? An oxymoron is a figure of speech in which contradictory terms are combined.
Like free trade.
Or compassionate conservatism.
That attitude of yours is killing us in the flyover states.
This is Doctor I.
Q.
Hi calling Duck Dodgers.
Yeah, I recognize you by now.
Dodgers, you are ordered to deliver Lady Chanticleer the intergalactic diva to the Fluoride Festival of Festuvious Five.
The president of outer space will be in attendance.
He is a big fan of Lady Chanticleer.
May I remind you that I am a treasured intergalactic space captain? I have certain standards.
Uh-huh.
Lady Chanticleer is ready to be evaporated to your ship.
Get someone else to-- You call this a spaceship? It looks like a garbage truck to me.
These quarters just won't do.
I am a treasured intergalactic superstar.
I have certain standards.
Well, this is the swankiest room on the ship.
Swanky, my-- Why, just look at this place.
I don't know.
It looks pretty-- - You don't know is right.
- Yeah.
Huh? You call this art? I believe that's an original Leonardoda Vinci.
I want something abstract and intellectual.
Of course the Mona Lisa would have to be painted on a wood panel.
CHANTICLEER: Hey, what's taking so long? One piece of cold and aloof junk coming right up.
Looks pretty nice there.
It would if it weren't hanging upside down.
You've got a better imagination than I do, sister.
[PAINTING RUSTLES.]
Oh, that's perfect.
Viola.
Another satisfied customer.
Not so fast, Duck.
I have a few more demands.
Hmm.
Where am I supposed to find a giant panda? That's your problem.
Stupid celebrity guest stars.
Still, I do fancy the cut of this woman's jib.
Notify me when you've received news about the target.
- Yes, general.
- I'll be in my quarters.
[UPBEAT TECHNO MUSIC PLAYING ON TV.]
FIGHTER: General? - Yes.
The robotic recon drone has returned.
- Success? - Yes, general.
- We've located Lady Chanticleer.
- You've found my Chanty? - Where is she? Where is she? - She's aboard Duck Dodgers' ship.
Set a course for my rendezvous with amour.
CHANTICLEER: Satin pillows! Fresh fruit! Cool clear water! Scented candles! Scissors! A bushel of astro-dollars! Fancy French couture! - Unh.
Ow.
- Dodgers! ALL: Yipe! Don't get too attached.
Ling Ling here is just a loaner.
What say my lady about this rich bounty provided for your amusement? Well, it stinks.
Well, what'd you expect? All this thing does is eat bamboo and poop.
Poor Captain Dodgers.
There's something captivating about this damsel, Cadet.
- Her outrageous demands remind me of-- - Yourself.
[BELL DINGS.]
Her soufflé is ready.
SA'AM: All right, warriors.
On my command, we shall board Dodgers' ship lay waste to his crew, and nab my sweet little Chanty-wanty.
Remember the Klunkin code: No surrender.
No prisoners.
No kidding.
He forgot his Chanticleer lunchbox.
There'd better be a cupcake in there.
Sit tight, Chanty.
Your Sa'ammy boy's a-coming.
DODGERS: Your luncheon is served, my sweet.
CHANTICLEER: Ugh.
You expect me to eat such common swill? [PLATE SHATTERS.]
DODGERS: Oh.
My mistake, my lady.
Feast thy elitist palate on these rare dainties.
CHANTICLEER: Ugh! That's worse.
[PLATE SHATTERS.]
DODGERS: Yes.
Worse.
How stupid of me.
I think she's really gonna like this one.
I'll get the mop.
From these morsels do your judgment pluck.
For I have slaved without frivolity.
I fear, kind sir, thou art out of luck, for they offend my fair gastronomy.
But these are muffins of proud compare.
With nuts and berries like Earth's rich gems.
But I love pastries and all things rare.
Those ugly muffins will give me the berries.
Now gaze upon which I have created.
A golden gourmet's treasure.
Me thinks, young duck, thou art defeated for this junk don't bring me no pleasure! I've tried and tried to please.
I've offered the best of my home.
But yet again, you only tease.
I've nothing to give but this gnome.
[BRITISH ACCENT.]
Hello.
I don't want a gnome.
Hey, am I done here? DODGERS: It looks like you're not gonna work out, Nigel.
Oh, well.
Maybe I can scare up some work in a Christmas special.
[SCREAMS THEN THUDS.]
That thing is nasty.
Where are you going? I'm going to profess my love to the lovely Lady Chanticleer.
We're being boarded.
[ALL YELLING.]
I believe that is our cue to run.
[ALL SCREAMING.]
Catch those critters.
[GROWLS.]
FIGHTER: Come on out, Dodgers.
Or I'll blast you out.
Yes.
Ooh.
[LAUGHS.]
Now, there's a guy who loves his job.
[GROWLS.]
[ALL YELP.]
Never fear, beloved.
I will keep you from these filthy mongrels.
Stop right there.
Take her.
She's yours.
Parting is such sweet sorrow.
Oh, my lady.
- I'm humbled to meet your acquaintance.
- You are? [SNAPS.]
Oh, yes.
Because I'm your biggest fan.
- Straight up? - Darn tooting.
I got all your recordings and holo-concerts.
That gig you did on Noxema Twelve was magnificent.
Oh, that was nothing.
SA'AM: Nothing, my foot.
Your voice never sounded more beautiful.
[CHANTICLEER GIGGLES.]
Ugh.
I brought you everything you ever wanted.
And you fall for this freaky little runt? What can I say? Chicks dig the 'stache.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
This is Doctor I.
Q.
Hi calling Duck Dodgers.
- Again, I know who you are.
- It seems we have a scheduling error.
You aren't supposed to bring Lady Chanticleer to the Fluoride Festival of Festuvious Five.
You should bring her to the Freon Fair of Festuvious Six.
Freon Festival? That's where I'm headed.
May I give the lady a lift? I would be delighted.
[CHANTICLEER GIGGLING.]
Ingrate! I can't believe I fell for that woman's offensive charms.
I mean, how about a little respect and courtesy for someone's feelings? Look what they did to my ship.
It's a mess.
I guess it's back to work for you, lazybones.
And I'll take my dinner in my quarters.
Low carb, high protein.
I'm just happy to have everything back to normal.
[WOLF HOWLING.]
Now, take good care of things.
This home and laboratory have been in my family for centuries.
No sweat, Bulb Daddy.
Now run along to your convention.
- You know what to expect from me.
- Right.
Something tells me I should know better.
Oh, maybe I'm just being a worrywart.
After all, the scientist convention is only for two days.
Not even Dodgers could cause that much trouble in 48 hours.
Ah.
It feels great to embark on a cerebral sojourn.
Oh, hold it.
Forgot my notes.
Keep the meter running.
Forgot my notes.
What's going--? Augh! [GASPS.]
Dodgers, what happened? Well, you see, it went like this: I was all alone in this cavernous old dump checking out all your worthless artifacts and passing time using my feng shui skills.
Preparing a gourmet feast in the kitchen.
[BURPS.]
[CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING.]
DODGERS: And passing hours in the library, buried in rare first editions.
Sheesh.
No pictures.
You'd think I.
Q.
would at least invest in some comics.
DODGERS: But it was the lab that intrigued me the most.
For it was here that I could allow my creative scientific imagination free reign.
[CHEMICAL EXPLODES.]
It takes a sheer genius to mix root beer.
[BURPS.]
DODGERS: So there I was, killing time all by my lonesome when opportunity knocked.
[THUNDER CRASHING.]
Hmm.
DODGERS: If I could make a decent soft drink what would stop me from branching out? This proved a terrific way to pass the time.
Not to mention play arcane board games.
Still, my creative scientific impetus required further massage.
Just a couple of ballet slippers I dug up.
Connect to some crucial nerve endings.
A dash of high-voltage electricity.
And I gave life to a primitive yet riveting buck-and-wing.
Everybody's a dance critic.
DODGERS: After a few such experiments, I was ready.
Hmm.
Need some meat on those bones.
DODGERS: Gathering more resources I engaged in a flurry of activities and became a duck consumed.
No matter was too trivial to escape my complete and utter attention to detail.
The only thing left to do was wait for the perfect weather conditions that would lend my experiment success.
Brace yourself for what you are about to receive.
The gift of life.
[GROWLS.]
Success.
It's alive! It's alive, alive, alive.
And it was alive too.
Get to the part about what happened to my house.
Be patient.
Sure, my monster was good-looking.
[GRUNTS.]
DODGERS: But I had to teach him the all-important rudimentary social skills.
[BURPS.]
Fine.
Next time try lifting your pinky.
DODGERS: I also developed his keen mind, using my own as a template.
Say, this Moby Dick is a pure laugh riot.
[LAUGHS.]
Funny.
Ha-ha-ha.
Yes, sir.
A fine piece of literature.
But it still needs pictures.
[DODGERS & MONSTER LAUGHING.]
DODGERS: And last but not least, I imparted the skill of debonair terpsichore.
[UPBEAT JAzz MUSIC PLAYING.]
[AIR WHISTLING.]
[THUD.]
Some guys just don't know when to take a bow.
That was an 11th-century mahogany floor.
Easy come, easy go.
So, what happened to my house? DODGERS: Settle down, I.
Q.
You're rushing things.
See, I figured my creation needed a proper job.
Welcome, everyone.
Get ready to meet your teacher.
Is he smart? Smart? Well, sort of.
Is he understanding? Um.
- Does he like kids? - Why not see for yourselves? [CHILDREN CHEERING.]
[CHILDREN SCREAMING.]
Come back! How can I teach without pupils to scream at? Perhaps this wasn't the best vocation for him.
DODGERS: I had to lift my creation's sagging spirits.
Easy, big fella.
It's not the end of the world.
I failed as teacher.
Hmm.
If those who can't, teach what about those who can't teach? I got it.
This way.
I know just the thing you need.
And I'll make it for you.
That's what I get for using cheap catgut.
[GRUNTS.]
Eureka! I've done it again.
And not bad, if I do say so myself.
She's all yours.
Take a look.
[MONSTER WOLF-WHISTLING.]
Now, don't be hasty.
Not your finest work.
It was a first try.
But he's got a great heart.
Well, not really a great heart.
Will you share my life, joys, laughter sorrows with me and be my bride? I think I'll pass.
Take it from me.
You get used to this sort of thing.
[ROARING.]
It was really for the best.
She signed a lucrative modeling contract and cashed in bigtime.
Dodgers, what happened to my castle? It's always about you, isn't it? So the monster was still pretty ticked from being jilted.
And he went on a rampage.
[SOBBING.]
DODGERS: And destroyed the village.
[MONSTER ROARING.]
DODGERS: Then the peasants were pretty ticked.
And they chased the monster back here and trapped him in the old mill.
All it takes is one careless ember.
And the whole place went up like a deck of cards.
You know, a decent sprinkler system might have made a world of difference.
And then you came back looking for some notes you left behind.
That doesn't make any sense.
I couldn't have been gone more than a minute.
Well, if you don't believe me, then ask him.
You must be a slow walker.
[GASPS.]
I just realized.
I told the cabbie to keep the meter running.
[English - US -SDH.]
That just doesn't make sense.
That's an oxymoron, sir.
What did you call me? An oxymoron is a figure of speech in which contradictory terms are combined.
Like free trade.
Or compassionate conservatism.
That attitude of yours is killing us in the flyover states.
This is Doctor I.
Q.
Hi calling Duck Dodgers.
Yeah, I recognize you by now.
Dodgers, you are ordered to deliver Lady Chanticleer the intergalactic diva to the Fluoride Festival of Festuvious Five.
The president of outer space will be in attendance.
He is a big fan of Lady Chanticleer.
May I remind you that I am a treasured intergalactic space captain? I have certain standards.
Uh-huh.
Lady Chanticleer is ready to be evaporated to your ship.
Get someone else to-- You call this a spaceship? It looks like a garbage truck to me.
These quarters just won't do.
I am a treasured intergalactic superstar.
I have certain standards.
Well, this is the swankiest room on the ship.
Swanky, my-- Why, just look at this place.
I don't know.
It looks pretty-- - You don't know is right.
- Yeah.
Huh? You call this art? I believe that's an original Leonardoda Vinci.
I want something abstract and intellectual.
Of course the Mona Lisa would have to be painted on a wood panel.
CHANTICLEER: Hey, what's taking so long? One piece of cold and aloof junk coming right up.
Looks pretty nice there.
It would if it weren't hanging upside down.
You've got a better imagination than I do, sister.
[PAINTING RUSTLES.]
Oh, that's perfect.
Viola.
Another satisfied customer.
Not so fast, Duck.
I have a few more demands.
Hmm.
Where am I supposed to find a giant panda? That's your problem.
Stupid celebrity guest stars.
Still, I do fancy the cut of this woman's jib.
Notify me when you've received news about the target.
- Yes, general.
- I'll be in my quarters.
[UPBEAT TECHNO MUSIC PLAYING ON TV.]
FIGHTER: General? - Yes.
The robotic recon drone has returned.
- Success? - Yes, general.
- We've located Lady Chanticleer.
- You've found my Chanty? - Where is she? Where is she? - She's aboard Duck Dodgers' ship.
Set a course for my rendezvous with amour.
CHANTICLEER: Satin pillows! Fresh fruit! Cool clear water! Scented candles! Scissors! A bushel of astro-dollars! Fancy French couture! - Unh.
Ow.
- Dodgers! ALL: Yipe! Don't get too attached.
Ling Ling here is just a loaner.
What say my lady about this rich bounty provided for your amusement? Well, it stinks.
Well, what'd you expect? All this thing does is eat bamboo and poop.
Poor Captain Dodgers.
There's something captivating about this damsel, Cadet.
- Her outrageous demands remind me of-- - Yourself.
[BELL DINGS.]
Her soufflé is ready.
SA'AM: All right, warriors.
On my command, we shall board Dodgers' ship lay waste to his crew, and nab my sweet little Chanty-wanty.
Remember the Klunkin code: No surrender.
No prisoners.
No kidding.
He forgot his Chanticleer lunchbox.
There'd better be a cupcake in there.
Sit tight, Chanty.
Your Sa'ammy boy's a-coming.
DODGERS: Your luncheon is served, my sweet.
CHANTICLEER: Ugh.
You expect me to eat such common swill? [PLATE SHATTERS.]
DODGERS: Oh.
My mistake, my lady.
Feast thy elitist palate on these rare dainties.
CHANTICLEER: Ugh! That's worse.
[PLATE SHATTERS.]
DODGERS: Yes.
Worse.
How stupid of me.
I think she's really gonna like this one.
I'll get the mop.
From these morsels do your judgment pluck.
For I have slaved without frivolity.
I fear, kind sir, thou art out of luck, for they offend my fair gastronomy.
But these are muffins of proud compare.
With nuts and berries like Earth's rich gems.
But I love pastries and all things rare.
Those ugly muffins will give me the berries.
Now gaze upon which I have created.
A golden gourmet's treasure.
Me thinks, young duck, thou art defeated for this junk don't bring me no pleasure! I've tried and tried to please.
I've offered the best of my home.
But yet again, you only tease.
I've nothing to give but this gnome.
[BRITISH ACCENT.]
Hello.
I don't want a gnome.
Hey, am I done here? DODGERS: It looks like you're not gonna work out, Nigel.
Oh, well.
Maybe I can scare up some work in a Christmas special.
[SCREAMS THEN THUDS.]
That thing is nasty.
Where are you going? I'm going to profess my love to the lovely Lady Chanticleer.
We're being boarded.
[ALL YELLING.]
I believe that is our cue to run.
[ALL SCREAMING.]
Catch those critters.
[GROWLS.]
FIGHTER: Come on out, Dodgers.
Or I'll blast you out.
Yes.
Ooh.
[LAUGHS.]
Now, there's a guy who loves his job.
[GROWLS.]
[ALL YELP.]
Never fear, beloved.
I will keep you from these filthy mongrels.
Stop right there.
Take her.
She's yours.
Parting is such sweet sorrow.
Oh, my lady.
- I'm humbled to meet your acquaintance.
- You are? [SNAPS.]
Oh, yes.
Because I'm your biggest fan.
- Straight up? - Darn tooting.
I got all your recordings and holo-concerts.
That gig you did on Noxema Twelve was magnificent.
Oh, that was nothing.
SA'AM: Nothing, my foot.
Your voice never sounded more beautiful.
[CHANTICLEER GIGGLES.]
Ugh.
I brought you everything you ever wanted.
And you fall for this freaky little runt? What can I say? Chicks dig the 'stache.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
This is Doctor I.
Q.
Hi calling Duck Dodgers.
- Again, I know who you are.
- It seems we have a scheduling error.
You aren't supposed to bring Lady Chanticleer to the Fluoride Festival of Festuvious Five.
You should bring her to the Freon Fair of Festuvious Six.
Freon Festival? That's where I'm headed.
May I give the lady a lift? I would be delighted.
[CHANTICLEER GIGGLING.]
Ingrate! I can't believe I fell for that woman's offensive charms.
I mean, how about a little respect and courtesy for someone's feelings? Look what they did to my ship.
It's a mess.
I guess it's back to work for you, lazybones.
And I'll take my dinner in my quarters.
Low carb, high protein.
I'm just happy to have everything back to normal.
[WOLF HOWLING.]
Now, take good care of things.
This home and laboratory have been in my family for centuries.
No sweat, Bulb Daddy.
Now run along to your convention.
- You know what to expect from me.
- Right.
Something tells me I should know better.
Oh, maybe I'm just being a worrywart.
After all, the scientist convention is only for two days.
Not even Dodgers could cause that much trouble in 48 hours.
Ah.
It feels great to embark on a cerebral sojourn.
Oh, hold it.
Forgot my notes.
Keep the meter running.
Forgot my notes.
What's going--? Augh! [GASPS.]
Dodgers, what happened? Well, you see, it went like this: I was all alone in this cavernous old dump checking out all your worthless artifacts and passing time using my feng shui skills.
Preparing a gourmet feast in the kitchen.
[BURPS.]
[CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING.]
DODGERS: And passing hours in the library, buried in rare first editions.
Sheesh.
No pictures.
You'd think I.
Q.
would at least invest in some comics.
DODGERS: But it was the lab that intrigued me the most.
For it was here that I could allow my creative scientific imagination free reign.
[CHEMICAL EXPLODES.]
It takes a sheer genius to mix root beer.
[BURPS.]
DODGERS: So there I was, killing time all by my lonesome when opportunity knocked.
[THUNDER CRASHING.]
Hmm.
DODGERS: If I could make a decent soft drink what would stop me from branching out? This proved a terrific way to pass the time.
Not to mention play arcane board games.
Still, my creative scientific impetus required further massage.
Just a couple of ballet slippers I dug up.
Connect to some crucial nerve endings.
A dash of high-voltage electricity.
And I gave life to a primitive yet riveting buck-and-wing.
Everybody's a dance critic.
DODGERS: After a few such experiments, I was ready.
Hmm.
Need some meat on those bones.
DODGERS: Gathering more resources I engaged in a flurry of activities and became a duck consumed.
No matter was too trivial to escape my complete and utter attention to detail.
The only thing left to do was wait for the perfect weather conditions that would lend my experiment success.
Brace yourself for what you are about to receive.
The gift of life.
[GROWLS.]
Success.
It's alive! It's alive, alive, alive.
And it was alive too.
Get to the part about what happened to my house.
Be patient.
Sure, my monster was good-looking.
[GRUNTS.]
DODGERS: But I had to teach him the all-important rudimentary social skills.
[BURPS.]
Fine.
Next time try lifting your pinky.
DODGERS: I also developed his keen mind, using my own as a template.
Say, this Moby Dick is a pure laugh riot.
[LAUGHS.]
Funny.
Ha-ha-ha.
Yes, sir.
A fine piece of literature.
But it still needs pictures.
[DODGERS & MONSTER LAUGHING.]
DODGERS: And last but not least, I imparted the skill of debonair terpsichore.
[UPBEAT JAzz MUSIC PLAYING.]
[AIR WHISTLING.]
[THUD.]
Some guys just don't know when to take a bow.
That was an 11th-century mahogany floor.
Easy come, easy go.
So, what happened to my house? DODGERS: Settle down, I.
Q.
You're rushing things.
See, I figured my creation needed a proper job.
Welcome, everyone.
Get ready to meet your teacher.
Is he smart? Smart? Well, sort of.
Is he understanding? Um.
- Does he like kids? - Why not see for yourselves? [CHILDREN CHEERING.]
[CHILDREN SCREAMING.]
Come back! How can I teach without pupils to scream at? Perhaps this wasn't the best vocation for him.
DODGERS: I had to lift my creation's sagging spirits.
Easy, big fella.
It's not the end of the world.
I failed as teacher.
Hmm.
If those who can't, teach what about those who can't teach? I got it.
This way.
I know just the thing you need.
And I'll make it for you.
That's what I get for using cheap catgut.
[GRUNTS.]
Eureka! I've done it again.
And not bad, if I do say so myself.
She's all yours.
Take a look.
[MONSTER WOLF-WHISTLING.]
Now, don't be hasty.
Not your finest work.
It was a first try.
But he's got a great heart.
Well, not really a great heart.
Will you share my life, joys, laughter sorrows with me and be my bride? I think I'll pass.
Take it from me.
You get used to this sort of thing.
[ROARING.]
It was really for the best.
She signed a lucrative modeling contract and cashed in bigtime.
Dodgers, what happened to my castle? It's always about you, isn't it? So the monster was still pretty ticked from being jilted.
And he went on a rampage.
[SOBBING.]
DODGERS: And destroyed the village.
[MONSTER ROARING.]
DODGERS: Then the peasants were pretty ticked.
And they chased the monster back here and trapped him in the old mill.
All it takes is one careless ember.
And the whole place went up like a deck of cards.
You know, a decent sprinkler system might have made a world of difference.
And then you came back looking for some notes you left behind.
That doesn't make any sense.
I couldn't have been gone more than a minute.
Well, if you don't believe me, then ask him.
You must be a slow walker.
[GASPS.]
I just realized.
I told the cabbie to keep the meter running.
[English - US -SDH.]