Eagleheart (2010) s02e10 Episode Script
Tramps
[ Stomach growls .]
There it is, gents -- the telltale rumble of an empty derby.
Well, I got just the thing for that A five-course meal.
All I see is beans.
Look harder.
I see me a Waldorf salad, glazed ham, sweet potatoes, cranberry sauce, and a key lime pie for dessert! [ Laughs .]
[ Spits .]
Champagne cocktail.
[ Laughs .]
Oh, we're gonna have a feast tonight! 'Cause I may not have much on this here earth, but I do got the one thing that no one can take away from me my imagination.
That's what you think.
[ Clanging .]
Huh?! Huh?! Get -- [ High-pitched buzzing .]
No, no, no, no! The king.
They got the king! Chris: [ Sniffs .]
Ugh! Do you guys smell something weird? Susie, you didn't sleep over at that Estonian guy's house again last night, did you? Susie: I don't smell anything.
Guess I'm used to it.
Chris: It's getting stronger.
[ Sniffs .]
[ Suspenseful music plays .]
Marshals, I need your help.
They got king Otis.
They -- they got king Otis.
Chris: Wait a second, Mr.
stink.
Who are you? My father was Mr.
stink.
You call me "Spoons.
" I was on a grainer to Minot when these fellers swooped in and stole the king.
Susie: Oh.
That sounds like a hot tip.
Chris: Yes.
In the hot tip room, right this way.
[ Chuckles .]
[ Laughs .]
[ Sighs .]
Fooled.
[ Laughter .]
[ Bell rings .]
Chris: All right, kids.
That's about it for today, okay? Bye.
Both: Bye! [ Crickets chirping .]
Chris: [ Snoring .]
[ Ethereal music plays .]
[ Gasping .]
Monsanto.
Save me.
I beg of you.
Chris: King Otis? You are our only hope.
There isn't muchtime.
You must -- oh, boy.
Argo! Chris: Oh, my God.
You're dying.
Nah, that's just my usual 4 A.
M.
mouth blast.
Chris: Oh.
I still need your help.
I'm in the delta chamber.
Hurry.
Chris: Okay.
Hurry! Chris: Aaaaah! Ohh! Ohh! Ohh! Ohh.
[ Sniffs .]
[ Gasps .]
Mouth blast.
Hey, guys, I think that filthy, stinking idiot was on to something.
Brett: Thanks, buddy.
About what? Chris: Not you.
We got to talk to Spoons.
I'm leaving.
I'm leaving.
Chris: No, wait.
We need to chat.
I think they was soldiers.
They put his head in a machine what looked like a hat.
Brett: How did they know his hat size? Susie: I don't think that's important.
I think they took him to break into his mind, steal his imaginations.
Chris: Well, who would want a tramp's crummy flights of fancy? I mean, cornbread and tits, cornbread and tits -- that's all you'd get.
Why, marshal, there's nothing more powerful in the universe than a tramp's imagination.
We can dream up anything.
Do you remember any details about the kidnappers? UhI'll show you.
Oh, boy.
[ Clears throat .]
Chris: You know, we do have a lovely selection of pens in the office.
Susie: That's military.
They must have taken him to the local army base.
What do you think they're doing to him? [ Grunting .]
Aah! What kind of weapons has this dirty old codger dreamed up? Sir, we've come up with one very promising item.
We call it the Heathcliff, A.
K.
A.
"The Homeless Garfield.
" It's a multipurpose tool for our men in the field.
First, it's nourishment.
[ Plink! .]
It's also a comb, a toothpick, a xylophone, and a razor-sharp bayonet.
I like it.
What else do you have? [ Sighs .]
Well, we have a top hat with a spring-open lid and a Daisy inside and mouse canoe made out of a hot-dog bun.
We're still working on a way to keep it from getting waterlogged immediately.
Hmm.
You promised me revolutionary ideas, and then you give me this?! You know what I want.
[ Groans .]
What do you got in there, old-timer? Brett: Ohh.
I hope they have bathrooms inside.
I got to dip my snake in boys' room lake.
Susie: Brett, be quiet and stay down.
Kiss her.
Brett: What? Go on, kiss her.
My boy, there is nothing better in the world than a kiss from a pretty girl's lips.
You don't do it now, you'll regret it the rest of your life.
Susie: No! Brett, what are you doing?! Brett: Spoons told me to! Susie: Well, don't listen to Spoons! Brett: You're my first! This is a restricted area.
Put your hands up.
Chris: Oh, sure, if you don't mind me putting these on first.
Brass knuckles? You're gonna need more than that to get through us, son.
Chris: Well, these aren't brass knuckles.
They're magnet knuckles.
Aah! Aah! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! [ Clang! .]
[ Crunch! .]
Chris: And I think they got through you just fine.
This way, Chris.
Delta chamber, just like king Otis told you in your vision.
Chris: Hey, I didn't tell you he said anything about delta chamber.
Uh Chris: Whoa! Hold it, pal.
You got about 10 seconds before I tramp-stamp your brain to mush.
Now, who the hell are you? Okay, I'll spill, but before I explain anything, you got to take a sip of this.
Chris: Okay.
[Scoffs.]
Fine.
Down the hatch, right? Ugh.
Okay.
See, Chris, we tramps ain't like your kind.
We ain't even from this world.
We come from a planet light-months away.
We call it Arania, but you know it as Plaxor.
It's a barren land with nary a vittle or critter, but we didn't need nothing on account of fancy fuel.
It flowed like rivers, and when we drank it, ain't nothing we can't imagine.
But then our planet ran dry.
Tramps was starving.
So, king Otis and his court traveled the galaxy looking for a new source.
They found it on earth.
Your kind calls it Sterno.
Otis would drink the fancy fuel, then beam those imaginations back to Arania.
Chris: So, if Otis can't send up his visions, your planet will die.
[ Grunts .]
Chris: Hey! Oh, sorry.
I thought you had a piece of parsley stuck in your teeth.
Chris: Yeah.
Okay.
Sir, I believe we have something.
It's a boot that sings Al Jolson songs.
Strollin' down the promenade with an ice-cold lemonade Very interesting.
[ Gunshot .]
King Otis! Chris: Well, general, looks like your soldier just went A.
M.
O.
L.
-- absent "mitout" life.
Kill! Monsanto join me.
With his imagination, we could rule the world together.
Chris: Sorry, general.
No can do.
If you had asked me a couple of days ago what a tramp needs, I would have said a hot shower and a good beating.
But, you know, I've learned that these guys are kind of special, and from now on, when there's something about a bum that makes my eyes water, it's not gonna be their smell.
It's gonna be the size of their heart.
Die! Mammy.
Chris: Just call me "The Jazz Slinger.
" [ Grunts .]
We're losing him! We got to get out of here! [ Sirens wailing .]
Follow me.
Sweettone! Spoons! What are your names? Chris: Why? Just tell me! There ain't that much time! Chris: Chris.
Susie: Susie.
Brett: Brett.
Get in.
No! Don't move or we'll open fire.
[ Gunshot .]
I'm hit! Halt! [ Radio chatter .]
He doesn't have long.
Sweettone, we need to go home.
Drink these.
Now, imagine hard, gang, with all your might and fly! Susie: It's beautiful.
Arania.
[ Laughter .]
Hey, everybody, they're back! Welcome home.
The king! [ Banjo strums .]
Have a cigar.
Good as new.
[ Laughter .]
You have saved our planet.
[ Harmonica playing .]
Goodbye, Chris, Susie, Brett.
Susie: He knows our names! Chris: Bye! [ People screaming in distance, roller coaster rumbles .]
Susie: That was fun.
Chris: Yeah.
Brett: Hey, look.
Chris: Oh, geez.
Look at that.
They think I'm paying 14 bucks for that, they've been drinking too much fancy fuel.
Brett: Hey, let's go ride the sky crime coaster again.
Chris: Yeah, all right.
Let's do that.
Susie: Fine.
Chris: Right this way, honey.
The banger boys have said goodbye they're wearing their marching suits they can hear their little sweethearts sigh to the tattoo of their boots goodbye, Susanna I am Savannah bound
There it is, gents -- the telltale rumble of an empty derby.
Well, I got just the thing for that A five-course meal.
All I see is beans.
Look harder.
I see me a Waldorf salad, glazed ham, sweet potatoes, cranberry sauce, and a key lime pie for dessert! [ Laughs .]
[ Spits .]
Champagne cocktail.
[ Laughs .]
Oh, we're gonna have a feast tonight! 'Cause I may not have much on this here earth, but I do got the one thing that no one can take away from me my imagination.
That's what you think.
[ Clanging .]
Huh?! Huh?! Get -- [ High-pitched buzzing .]
No, no, no, no! The king.
They got the king! Chris: [ Sniffs .]
Ugh! Do you guys smell something weird? Susie, you didn't sleep over at that Estonian guy's house again last night, did you? Susie: I don't smell anything.
Guess I'm used to it.
Chris: It's getting stronger.
[ Sniffs .]
[ Suspenseful music plays .]
Marshals, I need your help.
They got king Otis.
They -- they got king Otis.
Chris: Wait a second, Mr.
stink.
Who are you? My father was Mr.
stink.
You call me "Spoons.
" I was on a grainer to Minot when these fellers swooped in and stole the king.
Susie: Oh.
That sounds like a hot tip.
Chris: Yes.
In the hot tip room, right this way.
[ Chuckles .]
[ Laughs .]
[ Sighs .]
Fooled.
[ Laughter .]
[ Bell rings .]
Chris: All right, kids.
That's about it for today, okay? Bye.
Both: Bye! [ Crickets chirping .]
Chris: [ Snoring .]
[ Ethereal music plays .]
[ Gasping .]
Monsanto.
Save me.
I beg of you.
Chris: King Otis? You are our only hope.
There isn't muchtime.
You must -- oh, boy.
Argo! Chris: Oh, my God.
You're dying.
Nah, that's just my usual 4 A.
M.
mouth blast.
Chris: Oh.
I still need your help.
I'm in the delta chamber.
Hurry.
Chris: Okay.
Hurry! Chris: Aaaaah! Ohh! Ohh! Ohh! Ohh.
[ Sniffs .]
[ Gasps .]
Mouth blast.
Hey, guys, I think that filthy, stinking idiot was on to something.
Brett: Thanks, buddy.
About what? Chris: Not you.
We got to talk to Spoons.
I'm leaving.
I'm leaving.
Chris: No, wait.
We need to chat.
I think they was soldiers.
They put his head in a machine what looked like a hat.
Brett: How did they know his hat size? Susie: I don't think that's important.
I think they took him to break into his mind, steal his imaginations.
Chris: Well, who would want a tramp's crummy flights of fancy? I mean, cornbread and tits, cornbread and tits -- that's all you'd get.
Why, marshal, there's nothing more powerful in the universe than a tramp's imagination.
We can dream up anything.
Do you remember any details about the kidnappers? UhI'll show you.
Oh, boy.
[ Clears throat .]
Chris: You know, we do have a lovely selection of pens in the office.
Susie: That's military.
They must have taken him to the local army base.
What do you think they're doing to him? [ Grunting .]
Aah! What kind of weapons has this dirty old codger dreamed up? Sir, we've come up with one very promising item.
We call it the Heathcliff, A.
K.
A.
"The Homeless Garfield.
" It's a multipurpose tool for our men in the field.
First, it's nourishment.
[ Plink! .]
It's also a comb, a toothpick, a xylophone, and a razor-sharp bayonet.
I like it.
What else do you have? [ Sighs .]
Well, we have a top hat with a spring-open lid and a Daisy inside and mouse canoe made out of a hot-dog bun.
We're still working on a way to keep it from getting waterlogged immediately.
Hmm.
You promised me revolutionary ideas, and then you give me this?! You know what I want.
[ Groans .]
What do you got in there, old-timer? Brett: Ohh.
I hope they have bathrooms inside.
I got to dip my snake in boys' room lake.
Susie: Brett, be quiet and stay down.
Kiss her.
Brett: What? Go on, kiss her.
My boy, there is nothing better in the world than a kiss from a pretty girl's lips.
You don't do it now, you'll regret it the rest of your life.
Susie: No! Brett, what are you doing?! Brett: Spoons told me to! Susie: Well, don't listen to Spoons! Brett: You're my first! This is a restricted area.
Put your hands up.
Chris: Oh, sure, if you don't mind me putting these on first.
Brass knuckles? You're gonna need more than that to get through us, son.
Chris: Well, these aren't brass knuckles.
They're magnet knuckles.
Aah! Aah! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! [ Clang! .]
[ Crunch! .]
Chris: And I think they got through you just fine.
This way, Chris.
Delta chamber, just like king Otis told you in your vision.
Chris: Hey, I didn't tell you he said anything about delta chamber.
Uh Chris: Whoa! Hold it, pal.
You got about 10 seconds before I tramp-stamp your brain to mush.
Now, who the hell are you? Okay, I'll spill, but before I explain anything, you got to take a sip of this.
Chris: Okay.
[Scoffs.]
Fine.
Down the hatch, right? Ugh.
Okay.
See, Chris, we tramps ain't like your kind.
We ain't even from this world.
We come from a planet light-months away.
We call it Arania, but you know it as Plaxor.
It's a barren land with nary a vittle or critter, but we didn't need nothing on account of fancy fuel.
It flowed like rivers, and when we drank it, ain't nothing we can't imagine.
But then our planet ran dry.
Tramps was starving.
So, king Otis and his court traveled the galaxy looking for a new source.
They found it on earth.
Your kind calls it Sterno.
Otis would drink the fancy fuel, then beam those imaginations back to Arania.
Chris: So, if Otis can't send up his visions, your planet will die.
[ Grunts .]
Chris: Hey! Oh, sorry.
I thought you had a piece of parsley stuck in your teeth.
Chris: Yeah.
Okay.
Sir, I believe we have something.
It's a boot that sings Al Jolson songs.
Strollin' down the promenade with an ice-cold lemonade Very interesting.
[ Gunshot .]
King Otis! Chris: Well, general, looks like your soldier just went A.
M.
O.
L.
-- absent "mitout" life.
Kill! Monsanto join me.
With his imagination, we could rule the world together.
Chris: Sorry, general.
No can do.
If you had asked me a couple of days ago what a tramp needs, I would have said a hot shower and a good beating.
But, you know, I've learned that these guys are kind of special, and from now on, when there's something about a bum that makes my eyes water, it's not gonna be their smell.
It's gonna be the size of their heart.
Die! Mammy.
Chris: Just call me "The Jazz Slinger.
" [ Grunts .]
We're losing him! We got to get out of here! [ Sirens wailing .]
Follow me.
Sweettone! Spoons! What are your names? Chris: Why? Just tell me! There ain't that much time! Chris: Chris.
Susie: Susie.
Brett: Brett.
Get in.
No! Don't move or we'll open fire.
[ Gunshot .]
I'm hit! Halt! [ Radio chatter .]
He doesn't have long.
Sweettone, we need to go home.
Drink these.
Now, imagine hard, gang, with all your might and fly! Susie: It's beautiful.
Arania.
[ Laughter .]
Hey, everybody, they're back! Welcome home.
The king! [ Banjo strums .]
Have a cigar.
Good as new.
[ Laughter .]
You have saved our planet.
[ Harmonica playing .]
Goodbye, Chris, Susie, Brett.
Susie: He knows our names! Chris: Bye! [ People screaming in distance, roller coaster rumbles .]
Susie: That was fun.
Chris: Yeah.
Brett: Hey, look.
Chris: Oh, geez.
Look at that.
They think I'm paying 14 bucks for that, they've been drinking too much fancy fuel.
Brett: Hey, let's go ride the sky crime coaster again.
Chris: Yeah, all right.
Let's do that.
Susie: Fine.
Chris: Right this way, honey.
The banger boys have said goodbye they're wearing their marching suits they can hear their little sweethearts sigh to the tattoo of their boots goodbye, Susanna I am Savannah bound