Empty Nest (1988) s02e10 Episode Script

Life goes on and so do we just how we do it is no mystery Sometimes the answer can be hard to find That's something I will never be I'm always here for anything that you need Rain or shine I'll be the one to share it all as life goes on We share it all as life goes on Barbara, what are you doing there? I'm getting dreyfuss used to this frisbee I'm gonna teach him how to jump up and catch it.
Dreyfuss? Would you settle for him just lying there, and admiring the flight pattern? Please.
Don't touch that phone! You know, I'm waiting to hear about a job.
Hello? Fine.
Yes, she'd love to.
Send us the bill.
Who was that? You just signed up for cha-cha lessons.
Carol, you had no right to do that.
What time do I have to be there? I don't know.
Some guy named Carlos is going to call you.
Hello.
Hello? What's wrong with this phone? Hello? Carol, relax.
It was the microwave.
C'mon, you have nothing to worry about.
I have a very good feeling about this job.
Oh, daddy, I hope so.
The idea of working in the university rare books library is so exciting.
I mean, assistant director.
This job would be absolutely perfect for me.
Really? I didn't think any job would be perfect for you.
What is that? Some kind of veiled reference to the last 10 jobs I've quit? You do always seem to find some little thing wrong wherever you're working, and the next thing you know, you're answering the microwave.
Barbara, Carol had a good reason for quitting every one of those jobs, like that last one.
Honey, what was the problem there? - The air conditioning.
- See that? The air conditioning? Why? They kept it turned up too high.
So, why didn't you just wear a sweater? Barbara, it was the principle, of the thing.
Do you think Norma rae would have worn a sweater? Hi, all.
I'm about to make a major contribution to society.
Oh, Charley! A vasectomy? Hello.
It's the university.
So, Charles, what is this contribution to society? I joined a big buddy program.
I'm gonna be the good influence a disadvantaged youth never had.
Great! What made you decide to do it? One word, one syllable, here it is babes.
See, last night I puttin' the moves on this beautiful woman named Fiona.
The down side is, she's a real knee-jerk liberal.
The up side is, they're the ones who put out.
Charley, that is a crass generalization.
Right.
Anyway, I really fell for this woman, and she has the nerve to call me selfish and inconsiderate.
So, I'm determined to impress her with my social conscience.
Enter big buddy program.
I got the job! All right! Oh, daddy, it's so exciting.
I start tomorrow, and Blecchh! Out! Gotta come from him.
Out! Okay.
Miss Weston, look around you.
Most people see books.
I see worlds.
I believe books make the best adventures.
Yes.
Books make the best friends.
It's true.
Books make the best lovers.
So, the cafeteria's downstairs and to the left? That's right.
Miss Weston, for your first project, how would you like to oversee the acquisition of the Hemingway letters? Hemingway's letters? Oh, god, I love Hemingway.
He was a genius.
He had such an insight into life.
He put a shotgun in his mouth.
You know.
Right around the time those letters stopped.
Coincidence? I think not.
Oh, good morning.
And how can I help you? I need le siecle de Louis quatorze, annotated, unabridged, in the original.
I'm sorry.
What is that? It's a book.
That's what one gets at the library.
You would think that a rare books librarian would have some knowledge of the classics.
I'm sorry.
I shouldn't really be surprised.
This is the age of the imbecile.
It's just finally found its way to the university level, where I toil on, unappreciated, when the last literary critique's doing important work.
- What are you working on? - Voltaire.
- He was a great thinker.
- He was an idiot.
I think his writing's inspired.
Oh, thank you for that brilliant thought, on behalf of nose-pickers everywhere.
I see you've met professor Brooks.
Yes.
Irritating man.
But, a petty annoyance, compared with all the other wonderful aspects of this job.
Believe me, miss bingham, I'm not one of those people who would let one little thing get in the way of a job.
I find, the best way to deal with professor Brooks is to just pay him no mind.
Failing that, make fists with your toes.
And that will help? I don't know, but I'm eager to find out.
Hey! Look what I found.
Book.
B-o-o-k, book.
Professor Brooks I'm glad you found it.
Happy reading! - Has Carol called? - No.
Oh, that's great.
That means the new job is going smoothly, Laverne.
I think this is the one she's gonna hold on to, for a long, long time.
And Princess di wants to borrow my party frock.
Hey, Harry.
Charley.
Oh! Is this your new little buddy? Yeah.
Harry, meet demetrie.
Nice to meet you, sir.
Hope you don't mind us stopping by.
Not at all.
Here, demetrie.
Go make some friends.
Harry, I'm scoring big points with my left-wing lovely, but this kid is embarrassing me.
I mean, at his age, even I knew not to double down on sixes.
You're playing Blackjack with him? Harry, be a pal.
Take him off my hands the rest of the afternoon.
Charley, listen to me, this is an impressionable little boy you're dealing with here.
You should be molding him into a fine young man, not into You.
Hey! You think you're such an expert on kids just because you have three of your own, and you happen to be a successful pediatrician? Whoa! Request a second to regroup here.
Charley, listen Pay attention to me.
No more casino night.
You find things to do with that boy, that are fun and educational.
I guess you're right.
Come on, demetrie.
How about we have fun with physical science? All right! Ever see what happens to a t-shirt when it gets wet? Carol, I noticed you put padding around the pencil sharpener.
I thought it might help reduce the noise.
Your good work is attracting attention.
Thank you.
And I hear you're making great progress with those Hemingway letters.
You know, I never knew that library acquisitions were so cutthroat.
That sister Mary Agnes from chapel college has some mouth on her.
We've been feuding for years, all because I got lipstick on her balzac.
By the way, Carol, how have you enjoyed your first two days? Miss bingham, I've had a lot of jobs, but this is the first place where I felt that I really belong.
Any problems with professor Brooks? No.
I'm proud to say, I have managed to steer clear of him entirely.
I admire your ingenuity, Carol.
If you need me, I'll be in oversized bibles.
Oh, I can see black roots.
I misplaced something down there.
I'm guessing, your dignity.
Know what Voltaire said about this? - What? - Nothing, I told you, the man was an idiot.
Speaking of Voltaire, yesterday you showed some interest in the work I was doing.
I thought you might find one of my books stimulating.
Charles dickens You didn't like him, either.
What's to like? He gave the people exactly what they wanted Riveting stories, carefully drawn characters.
And that's bad? Miss Weston, if you want a brain, I'm sure the wizard will give you one.
What is that peculiar look on your face? If you must know, I'm making fists with my toes.
You know, if you were any more shallow, I could go fly-fishing in you.
Professor Brooks, if you will excuse me, for the sake of my career, I think it's time we end this discussion.
You know something? I don't know what you have against Voltaire or Charles dickens or natural redheads, but you have made my working here a living hell, and why? All because I am efficient, responsible And a woman.
I just thought of that one.
But it makes a lot of sense.
- Listen - No, you listen.
You're a spoiled, pampered academic.
Now, perhaps others people are willing to swallow your insults, and just walk away.
But I can't anymore.
Now I insist that from here on in you behave like a gentleman.
And can start with an apology.
I'm I'm sorry.
I was picturing you with an apple in your mouth at a luau.
Carol, I was just talking to Mr.
shaunessy from personnel, telling him how well you're working out.
I quit.
Mr.
shaunessy? One, two, cha-cha-cha.
Three, four, cha - cha - cha.
Come on, Barbara, will you? I need a little help here.
Carlos says I'm doing great with my lessons.
You know, those people really are hot-blooded.
I don't want to hear about that.
Fine with me.
Cha-cha-cha.
Come on, Barbara, please, please.
I mean, do you put candles on a cake for this kind of an occasion? Daddy, you're making too big a deal out of this.
I am not.
Come on.
Carol just finished her first week on the job.
You ever hear of positive reinforcement? This party will enhance her self-respect, give her a little pride, a little dignity.
Where are those silly hats? I forgot where I put the silly hats.
Hi, all.
Hey, demetrie, we've just come into a neighbor's house.
- What do you do? - Right.
Sorry.
Go long, my friend.
Go long.
- Touchdown.
- All right! Charley, what have you done to him? Nothing.
Just giving him the benefit of my knowledge and experience.
Come on, demetrie.
We don't have much time.
Fiona's due over at 8:00, and we've got to clean the house.
Charley, why don't you go over and start cleaning the house and let demetrie hang around with us? He can help us get ready for the party.
Okay, but don't be late.
I still have to teach you to walk convincingly with that crutch.
All right, listen.
Demetrie I'm a little concerned about the way things are working out with you and Charley.
You think we can talk about it? Lay it on me, Jack.
Now this is Harry.
You don't have to talk like that.
Thank goodness.
Can I take off this pinky ring? Yeah, go on.
Now, listen, you seem to be a very smart boy, and I think you know the difference between right and wrong.
So maybe the thing for you to do is kind of steer Charley into being the kind of big buddy you really need.
Think you can do that? I'll try.
But this guy's real weird.
Yeah, I know, but you do try, all right, 'cause he really needs you.
Okay, Dr.
Weston.
Okay, thanks a lot.
See you.
Daddy, okay, watch this.
Come on, dreyfuss.
Closer.
He was awake for the whole thing.
Carol's here.
Okay.
Come over here.
Hi.
What's all this? This is my daughter is happily employed party.
You shouldn't have.
Oh, the silly hats.
I left them in the car.
So Quit again, huh? You think you're so smart, don't you? Well, you make me sick.
Please don't tell daddy.
Please, please, please.
- Carol.
- Okay.
All right.
I have to tell him the truth.
Here we go.
My daughter the working girl.
There we are.
So my little working girl, tell me, what have you got to say for yourself? Daddy, I don't know quite how to put this, but I was named employee of the week.
Oh! Hi, honey.
How was work today? Best day yet.
I keep topping myself.
Today I was put in charge of the entire 17th century.
Oh, so great.
Hello.
Oh, personnel department.
Her final paycheck is ready? Carol! Thank you.
Daddy, I couldn't tell you I quit.
You were so proud, so happy.
You had that same special look on your face that you get when dreyfuss recognizes you.
And it wasn't a complete lie.
I have been working.
Part-time.
I've been reading long Russian novels to the blind.
What a treat for them.
Honey, listen, I think we need to talk about this problem you have with quitting jobs.
Daddy, this time I had a very good reason.
Carol, you always have a very good reason.
The last time, it was air-conditioning.
The time before that was completely legitimate.
Those people kept badgering me, asking me the most moronic questions.
Carol, it was an information booth.
Look, honey, I'm not trying to blame you.
I just think we have to figure out what's going on here.
I mean, you're bright, you're energetic, you can do anything you want.
Why can't you hold on to a job? Daddy, it's not me.
It's the jobs.
I've just had a string of bad luck.
Three or four jobs is a string of bad luck.
Honey, I think you have to do some real deep soul-searching to find out why this keeps on happening.
Daddy, there is no need for that.
And there is no need for you to worry about me, because I don't have a problem.
Daddy.
I've been working with dreyfuss and this frisbee, and I think he's got the idea now.
Are you ready to be amazed? Okay, dreyfuss, come on.
Let's do it.
On the plus side, he seems to have that zen thing down.
Good morning, miss bingham.
Miss Weston, this is a surprise.
Did you have a change of heart? No, I've come to pick up my paycheck.
Oh.
Okay.
I'll get it for you.
We had fun, didn't we? Hey.
The last week here without you hasn't been the same.
It's been great.
What? Nothing? Hey, I come up with them.
Do I have to explain them too? Hey, this is no fun.
Where's the spark? Where are those half-baked zingers? Can't you just take pride in the fact that you're the reason I quit this job? I don't buy that.
I don't think you quit this job because of me at all.
I just told you I did.
But it doesn't make any sense.
You're too stubborn.
I think you quit because, psychologically, this library represents order, and you feed on chaos.
That's crazy.
I long for structure.
Okay.
Then you quit because, as a child, your parents never read to you, and being around all these books has reopened that wound.
You stink at this.
A much more likely reason is fear of failure.
- No, that's not it.
- Oh, my god, that is it.
I know, because I'm getting that horrible sick feeling that comes with self-awareness.
The thought of failing must be so painful for me that I quit before I ever get the chance.
So it never was the air-conditioning, the moronic questions, or the roach in the yogurt.
Ultimately, it wasn't even you.
- It wasn't? - Absolutely not.
You were just a cheap excuse for my own self-destructiveness.
You used me? Yes.
I played you like a fiddle.
But I still got you to quit.
I have your check here, miss Weston.
Wrong.
Miss bingham, I have just come to grips with a problem that has been deeply embedded in my psyche.
I feel like a thousand flowers about to blossom.
Oh, my.
Give me my job back, and I'll reinvent library science.
I will help people as they have never been helped before.
Yes, miss Weston.
Together, we'll climb mountains.
Figuratively, of course.
I'm still waiting for that apology.
Good.
Then you'll have something to do on the road to spinsterhood.
Good day, professor.
Miss bingham, I'll see you tomorrow.
Hey, I'm not through insulting you yet.
Where are you going? I'm going to lunch.
Oh? Where are we eating? I'm eating at the Chinese gardens.
No, no, no, the correct term is we, since the two of us will be dining together.
You have a lot to learn about pronouns.
You are such a jerk.
Cretin would be a much smarter choice, but we'll do nouns over dessert.
Hi, guys.
Hey, Charles.
I thought you had a date with Fiona tonight.
Oh, she's history.
Besides, who's got time for girls? I got a childhood to reconstruct.
What do you mean? Demetrie's showing me everything I missed, like this game we play.
It's great.
You run around, and when you touch someone, they become "it.
" Sounds like tag.
That's what they call it.
Olly olly oxen free.
It's the guys! Hey, Harry, you want to help us catch fireflies in Mason jars? I can't.
I'm playing marbles over at Jimbo's.
Okay.
Maybe next time.
Come on, daddy.
Let's go get a pizza.
Yeah, good idea.
Here, here, give me.
Well, that's a real nice invitation, miss Morton, but I'm afraid the doctor won't be able to make little Bobby's birthday party.
Oh, there'll be a pony.
I'll get back to you.
Okay.
Mrs.
Morton just invited you to Bobby's birthday party.
Laverne, you know how I feel about those things.
- There'll be a pony.
- Did you get the address? I hope it's not a shetland.
I hate when they get shetlands.
Oh, and don't forget, you're having lunch with Carol today.
She's on her way over here from work.
Oh, I love the sound of that.
She finally found a job she loves.
Yeah, good jobs are hard to find.
I remember the first one I had was a real loser.
But then what do you expect when you answer an ad that says, "self-starter wanted.
Must have own cattle prod"? Laverne, you worked on a ranch? Yeah.
Me and 12 cowboys.
They called me the stunnin' brunette.
- Oh, really? - Well, that was my job.
Stunning.
Hi, daddy.
Hi, Laverne.
Well, sweetheart, how are things at the library? Oh, I'm so happy there, I could scream for joy.
And I would if it wasn't a library.
Come on.
Let's go.
Dr.
Weston's office.
Oh, hi, Mrs.
Hodges.
The twins are having a birthday.
Clowns, huh? Find out how many.