Father Ted s02e10 Episode Script

Here we go, Dougal, 22, 23 This is us.
We should've got a window seat.
No, Father, you sit over there.
(Bottles clanking) I'd be too nervous to sit by the window.
- Why is that? - I've never liked flying.
If God wanted us to fly, He'd put airports nearer the city.
Excuse me, Father, you're sitting on my cardigan.
(Wheezing) Could you Could you not breathe like that? You're making a noise.
Now, really, Father, this is a no-smoking flight.
- So, did you enjoy yourself? - Oh, I did.
kilnettle's great.
It must be the holiest shrine in the world.
Top ten, anyway.
Funny, Our Lady appearing on a golf course like that.
- Where exactly did it happen? - On the 13th hole.
She appeared to a fellow on the green.
He was putting for a birdie and the ball hit her foot.
God Almighty.
Then what? He just took a dropped ball and put it down to experience.
Hello, Ted.
On the old plane, I see.
I am, yes.
Same as yourself.
Who was that, Ted? That's Father Joe Briefly, a pal of mine from St Colum's.
We used to have a nickname for him there Oh, yes, very funny.
We used to call him Himalaya Joe.
He had all this hair growing between his toes.
Like the Abominable Snowman.
Very funny.
And did you have a nickname, Ted? No, I didn't.
- You must have had one.
- No! - Father Briefly! - Dougal! Father, do you remember Ted's nickname at St Colum's? Let's see, what's that it was? Don't worry, Joe, I'll tell him myself.
Shut up, Dougal.
It was Father Fluffybottom.
Some of the priests caught a glance of my rear end in the showers after a game of football.
Well, I had all this downy fluff growing around that whole area.
Oh, yes.
Father Fluffybottom.
Hilarious stuff.
What did you do in the end? Shave it off? Shave it off? No, not at all.
Oh, right.
- Father Briefly! - Dougal! It was Father Fluffybottom! Oh, yes, that's right.
Because he had this big load of fluffy hair on his behind.
What did you do in the end, Ted? Shave it off? No, I didn't.
You can't get razors with handles long enough to reach downto your behind.
Remember what they called you? Himalaya Joe.
Because of all the thick black hair growing between your toes.
That was actually a medical condition.
Heh heh.
'This is your pilot speaking.
Fasten your seat belts for take-off.
' Oh! What the? Who did that? Someone messing there.
What did you get, Dougal? I got this at the gift shop back at the airport.
But Dougal, we have a tape dispenser.
- Why'd you buy that one? - This is no ordinary one.
Watch.
(Recording) 'You have used one inch of sticky tape.
God bless you.
' Dougal, that is absolutely brilliant.
Already I can think of hundreds of uses for it.
- Get anything else? - I did, yeah.
Look.
- What's it do? - Squeeze it, it's a joke telephone.
(Squeaks ) Dougal, this is a dog toy.
What? No, it's not.
It's a joke telephone.
Dougal, this is a toy for dogs.
This is something people give their dogs on their birthday.
Seriously, Ted.
It's a joke telephone.
You tell someone it's a phone and they'll try and make a call.
Dougal, who would think this is a telephone? Even a dog knows this isn't a phone.
Ted, we'll agree to differ, all right? We won't! Because you're very, very wrong.
Look, did the picture not give you a clue? Why is the dog so happy? Somebody has given him a rubber telephone that makes a noise! No, no! He's laughing because someone's trying to make a call on the telephone.
Dogs don't have the same sense of humour as us! They're not as advanced.
Buy something sensible, like this.
Now Put a coin in that.
Wow.
God, Ted.
That is fantastic.
What is it, a sort of money box? Yes.
With something like this, it would be so easy to make it look cheap and tacky.
But just look at her there.
Pure class.
Now, come on, now.
The joke's over.
- Here we go.
- Oh, God.
- What's up with you, Ted? - It's just the tension.
It'll be Ok in a minute.
Wouldn't it be terrible to be killed in a plane crash? - Yes.
- Or if you just fell out.
If the floor just disappeared and you fell out.
You'd fall for ages and ages Feeling a bit better, Ted? No, Dougal, not really, no.
Tell you what.
Maybe I'll give Larry Duff a call.
He developed a fear of flying after all his crashes.
He went to a hypnotherapist.
Told me to give him a call any time I was nervous.
Oh, for God's sake.
- What was that? - Just a bit of turbulence.
God, I wish I wasn't so nervous.
Larry says you've more chance of being trampled by donkeys than of being killed in a plane crash.
(Mobile phone ) (Stampeding hooves ) No, he's not picking up.
(Gibbers like a monkey ) Ted! Hello.
Father Fay, hello.
(Gibbering) Ah, yes, it's very good.
(Gibbering) I am a very big fan of his, all right.
Or should I say, "Awright?" (Gibbering) No, there's no mention of it so far.
- (Grunting) - God, Ted, he has me driven mad! He asked me to take him up to see the cockpit.
Cockpit? Ah, Ted, can I have a look, too? Well, Dougal, I'm not sure.
What is he up to now? He's going mad with excitement, I'd better go.
Coming, Father? Dougal.
Don't touch anything.
We don't want an action replay of the Sealink incident.
Fair enough, Ted.
- Hello! - There you are, Father.
- You wanted the official tour.
- God, yes.
He's talked about nothing else! Will you calm down, you little monkey man? Basically, these are the main controls.
Over here we have the gauges for the engines.
- Father.
Father! - What? I wasn't gonna press it.
Sorry, I was only asking if you'd ever been in a cockpit.
No.
But I was on the bridge of a Sealink ferry once and I was looking at the controls - (Coughing) - .
.
and nothing happened at all.
Right.
That's it! (Man laughing) Hey, come on, now.
What's so funny? Just come on, now.
The joke's over.
- Who are you? - What do you mean? You blind? I'm the man you've been pestering with paper.
- I have not.
- Why are you laughing? What's the big laugh about? I'm listening to comedy on these.
It's Mr Bean.
Oh, right.
And yes, I am blind, as a matter of fact.
Is it since birth or is it a more recent thing, you know? Since birth.
Right, but I suppose your other senses make up for it.
I hear that blind people's other senses are more alert.
So to speak.
I suppose you can smell things from ten miles away and hear things before they happen.
- No.
- No sixth sense of any kind? I suppose in your case it'd be a fifth sense, seeing as you've only got the four.
Unless there's another one missing I don't know about.
How's your sense of touch? Could you go away now, please? Yes, I'll do just that.
Will you not calm down? Come on, now.
We'll head back.
Say thank you to Mr Pilot.
- Ahhh! - Oh, God.
He must've seen his reflection.
He's not supposed to.
- He doesn't know he's a priest.
- (Shouting) Stop it, Father.
Settle down.
Get him off me! I can't see! (Pilot) Father McGuire, press the emergency button! - What? - The emergency button! - What does it look like? - It's "emergency" written on it! Right! I'll just go to the old toilet.
( # Muzak) Is, erm Is this the toilet? First-class toilet, sir.
Do you have a first-class ticket? No.
Then you have to go across the way.
(Father Fay gibbering) - Ted? - What? - Can I have a quick word? - Yes.
Yes, hold on.
Right.
What's wrong, Dougal? Well, slight problem, Ted.
What? Well, apparently someone pressed a button in the cockpit.
I think the person might have emptied one of the fuel tanks.
There's not enough fuel to make it to the airport.
Right.
So that would mean what? An emergency landing? - Yeah, an emergency landing.
- Right.
But we don't actually have enough fuel to make it to a place to make an emergency landing.
And there's only two parachutes.
No, wait a second.
Before you carry on, what's this film called again? No, no, no.
It's not a film.
- It's not a film? - No.
- So this is actually happening.
- Yes.
- This is happening now, to us.
- It is, yeah.
Dougal, here's a mad guess just out of the blue, but did you press the button? Ah, now, Ted, come on! - Did you, Dougal? - I did, yeah.
- Hello, Ted.
Heard the news? - Yes, Noel.
- What'll we do? - Did you press the emergency button? - No.
- Shouldn't we? Careful.
There might be a fine for improper use.
This is definitely an emergency.
Let's keep the other priests calm, not a word about this when we get back inside.
(Alarm horn ) (Recording) 'Emergency! Emergency! Emergency!' Nothing happened.
What does it do? Never needed it before.
Father, who gets the parachutes? God, that's a tough decision.
You're right.
Maybe we should just not tell anybody.
Throw them off the plane, pretend they never existed.
No, I don't think we should do that.
I have a better idea.
Right.
This is my idea.
What we should do is this So, in no more than 200 words, why you should get a parachute.
So we should just write about how great we are? Yes.
I got my housekeeper pregnant and forced her leave the country, should I mention that? No, I wouldn't.
Are you taking marks off for spelling mistakes? Only if we end up in a tie-break situation.
- Who'll own the copyright? - What? Say if I was to survive and wanted to write my autobiography, could I use extracts or would you own the copyright? As far as I know, you own the copyright.
But the chances of us surviving are very low.
Right.
Should we not just have a bit of an old pray? Maybe God will help us and Anyway Have you all got pens and paper and everything? Can I use my laptop computer? I don't think you're allowed to.
They interfere with the radar.
Yes, but we're going to crash anyway.
Right, I see what you mean.
Yes, use it.
Go on, Dougal.
God, Ted, you're very calm altogether.
Have you gone mad? No, it's just I've always hated flying.
But now we're in an emergency situation, all my fear has transformed itself into affirmative action.
- Do you know what I mean? - I do.
- Do you? - No.
All right, then.
Pens down.
Father O'Shea, you didn't stop writing.
You're disqualified.
What? That's not fair, I was only finishing.
Father Cave, do you want to go first? I haven't written this down because it comes from the heart.
Father Gallagher, I've known you and been your friend for many years.
And now I think it's important to say I love you.
I love you more than anybody I've ever loved.
I don't want the parachute.
Give it to him! (Sobbing) Right.
Well done, Father Cave.
(Sighing) (Ted) Father Fay? (Clearing throat) (Gibbering) That's very good.
Well, beat that.
Joe.
Well, uh, I think I should get the parachute because I'm great.
In fact, I think I should get both of them in case one doesn't work.
Ooh, not a popular one, Joe.
Father Flynn, what did you write? I haven't written anything because I'm not very good at that kind of thing.
But I did a drawing.
Right.
Well, can we have a look? - What do you think? - (Ted) Well, er It's me, in the nip.
With a dog.
How does that help you win a parachute? What do you mean parachute? I wasn't listening at the start there.
Why would I want a parachute? The plane's in trouble.
There's a competition to see who gets a parachute.
Oh.
Ok.
Father Jack, you next.
Father Jack? Where's Father Jack? The parachutes.
The parachutes have gone.
Ah, Ted, I just remembered that we're all going to die.
Dougal, I just wanted to say I know sometimes I'm a little short with you, sometimes I'm not as patient as I should be.
But you know, in the end we're the best of friends.
- What do you mean? - Well I'm just trying to say I know sometimes I act like you get on my nerves, but secretly I think it's quite funny.
What's funny? You know, the way you mix things up and sometimes you don't get what's going on.
Who are you talking about again? - You.
- What about me? (Sighing) I'm just trying to say, Dougal - I like you.
- Thanks very much.
- Who are you saying that to? - You! I just said it! Hey! We're on a plane! Father, do you know what a section tubing stabiliser dart is? - No.
- A shell diversifier E-420? - No.
- A jet-wrench 3-ply shortstick? - No.
- Who am I? - You're the pilot.
- Great.
I know what I did there.
I started too big.
Father, do you know what a fuel reserve is? I'd imagine it's a basic back-up to the main fuel tanks.
That's exactly it.
Now, we have a fuel reserve, but the line connecting it to the - the thing on the wing - Engine.
The engine, yes.
That line is broken.
If we could somehow fix that line, we might stand a chance.
Even sticky tape would do, but there's none on the plane.
That's where you're wrong.
Dougal, give us the thing you bought there.
All your problems are over.
I wouldn't make any calls, it interferes with the radar.
Dougal! The sticky tape.
Brilliant.
Now all you have to do is climb onto the wheels, and attach the line.
- Then we're saved? - Yes.
I just climb out of the plane and Hang on.
- I climb out of the plane? - Yes.
I wouldn't trust anybody else.
You can keep a level head.
- Then I'll do it.
- But Ted! Dougal, I love all this.
When everything's Ok I imagine terrible things happening and now that one has actually happened, it's just a rush.
I feel fearless, like Jeff Bridges in that movie.
- I haven't seen that one.
- Not many have, Dougal.
Anyway, let's go, Captain.
Father, I'm not a Captain.
And I don't climb under planes to fix fuel lines.
I think from now on, we're anything we want to be.
Can I still be a priest? - You're a very brave man.
- I'm just doing a job.
Dougal, the sticky tape.
Well, I'd better get back to the cockpit.
Good luck, Father Ted.
(Sticky tape unrolling) 'You have used three inches of sticky tape.
God bless you.
' (Tape unrolling) 'You have used four inches of sticky tape.
God bless you.
'You have used 11 and two-eighths inches of sticky tape.
'God bless you.
' (Ted) Ah, shut up.
Wait! Dougal I think I've Yes! I've sealed up the line! - We're saved! - Oh, great! I've done it, Dougal! We're going to live! Everything's completely back to normal.
It's just your completely average common or garden aeroplane journey.
(Ted screaming) What am I doing on the fecking wheel? ! (Screaming) Oh, right.
Right.
Thanks very much.
Well, still no sign of Father Jack.
Oh, I hope he's all right.
And Father Crilly.
I hate seeing him like this.
(Dougal) Ah, he's beginning to loosen his grip now.
Anyway, would you like a sandwich? I cut them into the shape of an aeroplane.
No thanks, Mrs Doyle.
Ted and me have had enough of aeroplanes to do us a lifetime.
Haven't we, Ted? (Jack) Drink! Feck! Arse! Drink! Feck! Arse! Drink! Feck! Arse! Drink! Ahh! Drink! Drink! Arse! (Screaming) Drink! Drink! Drink! Feck! Arse! (Sobbing) (Gibbering and sobbing) Drink! Drink! Drink! (Sobbing) (Gasping) Drink! Drink! (Continues shouting and sobbing) 'This is your pilot speaking.
The emergency is over.
'We will be landing in 20 minutes.
'