Frasier (2023) s02e10 Episode Script

1
Thank you, Eve.
And a merry almost Christmas to you.
Hmm.
I hope it's merry for my son.
I'm trying to scrape together
just enough money
to put one toy under the tree.
Yay!
It works. (CHUCKLES)
Oh, I'm-I'm just workshopping
my "sad single mom" spiel
for the Santa Crawl tonight.
But you, you will be joining us
for our Christmas Eve
dinner tomorrow, yes?
- Of course.
- Great.
It's going to be a wonderful evening.
We have a traditional
Nordic feast planned:
lutefisk and glögg.
It's, uh, chicken fingers for John.
Not just for John.
Mm, it's my favorite time of year.
Spending it with the people we love,
that's what Christmas is all about.
Bah humbug.
- Oh, here we go.
- Speak up, I-I didn't
- I said bah humbug!
- EVE: Seriously?
You hate Christmas?
Wow, you really are like Scrooge.
I welcome the comparison.
Ebenezer Scrooge was a frugal realist
who wasn't taken in
by yuletide nonsense.
He is one of the most
misunderstood heroes
yes, I said heroes
in all of English literature.
So once more, with feeling:
Bah. Humbug.
Alan, that poor woman
works herself to the bone,
and then you go and treat her like that?
Now I can't tell her
she brought me the wrong drink.
Oh! Freddy?
Wait, wait, wait.
I need to ask you something.
(CLEARS THROAT)
I am trying to find your dad a gift.
He keeps on hinting that he got me
something very special, so
I took a really big swing.
- Whoa!
- (GIGGLES)
Sigmund Freud's humidor.
Great gift.
Well done.
Yay! What did you get him?
- A salad spinner.
- Yikes.
You know, your customary
disdain for humanity
is not as charming as usual.
I'm sorry. I've just found out
that my daughter Nora is back in town.
- Really?
- Yes, my son told me.
She's bringing the baby over
to meet her husband's parents.
They're staying at some hotel.
- You try reaching out?
- She still won't take my calls.
I really thought that her having a baby
would change things
between us, but, uh
I'm so sorry.
Hits especially hard this time of year.
Every Christmas,
Nora and I would spend hours
making a little gingerbread village.
What I wouldn't give to have that again.
Is there anything at all I can do?
No, I'm okay.
I've just got to spend the next two days
not thinking about Christmas.
Ho ho ho! Merry Christmas! (LAUGHS)
They can sod off, jolly bastards.
- Hi, Holly.
- Hey.
- Thank you.
- Oof, I'm so weary.
Just working an extra shift
so my son doesn't wake up
to an empty stocking.
Nice try.
I work in a bar, too.
I know all the angles.
One time I was pregnant for 14 months.
(GASPS)
Teach me your ways.
Listen, if you want
to rake in the big bucks,
don't ask for a toy.
Tell 'em your kid needs asthma medicine.
Oh, my God. I'm so stupid.
My son actually does need
asthma medicine.
Oh, geez. Oh, I'm sorry.
I didn't, I didn't realize.
Here. There you go.
Gotcha.
Listen, I have some bad news.
I can't make it to your party tomorrow.
- Oh, no. Are you sure?
- Yeah.
I-I work till 11:00,
nobody wants to take my shift.
Damn. I was hoping you would enjoy
some of the Crane family
Christmas traditions.
- Mm.
- A noble fir,
bûche de Noël.
Fancy. Yeah.
My family traditions were eggnog pong
and we flipped a coin to see
who had to go bail out Uncle Paulie.
Where's Alan?
Strapping antlers to a dog
so he can steal Christmas?
You know what?
You might want to go easy on Alan.
FREDDY: Why?
He didn't go easy on Whoville.
It's his daughter.
20 years ago,
Alan moved here to chase his dream
of a professorship at Harvard.
He worked his fingers to the bone.
Wait, we're talking about Alan, right?
Yes, well, he was
a different man back then.
Industrious, ambitious tan.
But
he neglected things at home,
and, you know,
everything sort of fell apart.
He's made amends
with the rest of his children,
but his oldest is Nora.
And she won't speak to him.
She's in town, apparently.
And now she won't let him see
his only grandchild.
Oh, my gosh, that's so sad.
- It's tragic. But
- Yeah.
not our place to meddle.
Mm. Of course not.
Best just to mind our own business.
Yes, indeed.
All right, now that's out of the way,
what are you plotting?
All right, crew, we got one shot
to pull off this Christmas caper.
As luck would have it,
Nora is staying at Holly's hotel.
We know this because
of a cute little mole
- we have on the inside.
- Aw
Your first nickname for me.
(WEAK CHUCKLE)
- I don't love it.
- Oh, all right.
Phase one: the stakeout.
Team Gold, that's Olivia and I.
We will wait in the hotel lobby
for Nora to arrive.
Freddy, you and Holly will be
- Let me guess, Team Silver.
- FRASIER: No.
Frankincense.
We're naming our teams
after the gifts of the magi.
Come on, Freddy, I need you sharp!
You and Holly will lure
Alan here, to the hotel bar.
Should things go well
after the stakeout,
I will bring the target
to meet her father there.
What can I do? I'm very limber,
I can easily fold myself
into a bar cart.
You, Eve and Roz are Team Myrrh.
You'll go to my apartment this evening
and begin construction
of a gingerbread village.
If things go well at the stakeout
- Please stop saying stakeout.
- Nora will join us
for dinner tomorrow
and the sight of this
beloved Christmas memory
will warm her heart.
Stakeout, stakeout, stakeout.
Uncle, I won't let you down.
I should hope not.
You have by far the easiest job.
Everyone, let's get to work.
Oh!
Oh, no, your dad left his bag
"To Olivia."
I have to sneak a peek.
Slippers?
This is the great gift
he was talking about?
Oh, isn't it the thought that counts?
No.
He's rich.
Okay, Team Myrrh
This already sucks.
It's time to break ground
on our village.
What materials did you bring?
I brought this kit
from my grocery store.
I thought we could use
these gummy worms as icicles.
(GIGGLES)
I see.
Some stale Halloween candy
and a box of supermarket garbage.
Uncle has a landline,
if you literally want to phone this in.
He doesn't have a landline.
Oh, look who's suddenly
paying attention.
This is important to Professor Cornwall.
We have to get this right.
So let's brainstorm.
Well, I think it could be
cute if we just
Cute? Already wrong.
I'm thinking Victorian era,
Cotswolds region,
far from the channel so we're spared
the dandifying influence
of the continent.
Just spitballing,
nothing's set in stone,
except the cobblestones,
which of course, must be set in stone.
What are you thinking?
I'm thinking if we leave now,
- we could do something else.
- Oh, I love something else.
- Oh, I forgot my purse
- Leave it.
I can't thank you enough
for your help on all this.
Do you think there's any way
you could get Nora's room number
- from the front desk clerk?
- No.
Thomas is working. He's so uncool.
He turned me in for borrowing
a luggage cart when I moved.
I mean, to be fair,
I never brought it back.
But I turned it
into this really cool TV stand.
And then I sold it,
I made a ton of money.
Thomas so uncool.
- Hey, Alan's pulling up now.
- Oh, great.
The caper is afoot.
So, how do you plan on keeping him here?
Uh buying him drinks?
- Frederick Crane came to play.
- HOLLY: Yeah.
(FRASIER LAUGHS)
All right, I've got to get back
out to the hotel lobby.
Whatever you do, make sure
he does not leave here.
Okay.
Ah. Hello.
Hey, Alan, what can I get you?
- I'll have a scotch.
- All right.
And iced tea for me.
Freddy, you invited me here,
and now you're making me drink alone?
'Cause I can do that at work.
Uh, no, no, no. No. You're right.
I'll, uh, I'll have what Alan's having.
You sure you can keep up with him?
Holly, come on.
I'm six-one, firefighter,
grew up in Boston,
I think I can keep up with old
Same again.
And I'm not nursing the next one, so
Bottoms up, short stack.
How's the stakeout going?
Fine. I'm tired of standing.
If only I had something
to cushion my poor feet.
Well, Christmas is coming.
Perhaps there'll be
some relief in Santa's pack.
And what country are you two
visiting from?
- Oh, oh, we're-we're from here.
- Oh, amazing!
So you can read the sign
that says
"Lobby for Hotel Guests Only."
We've been made.
Well, we would like to be hotel guests.
Uh, is there any room at the inn?
(ALL LAUGHING)
Aw, you're delighted
by yourself, aren't you?
Yes, we have a room.
Okay.
- Go check us in.
- Oh.
And why not rest up
in the room for a bit.
- Okay.
- Give yourself a break
and I'll look after things down here.
We can rendezvous again
when the lords are a-leaping.
Okay. So, 9:00?
Lords a-leaping is-is 11, right?
(BOTH HUMMING
"THE TWELVE DAYS OF CHRISTMAS")
- Ten.
- Ten. Yeah, you're right.
But be here at 11:00.
Can I use this
to make charges at the spa?
- Mm-hmm.
- Say, equivalent to the cost
- of Sigmund Freud's humidor?
- (LAUGHS)
Let's just say, "Sure."
Yes.
Hey, David, we felt so bad
we each made a
Oh, my God.
- Did you stay up all night?
- I had to.
It's important to Professor Cornwall.
It has to be the perfect representation
of Christmas cheer.
EVE: Like that cemetery?
DAVID: Yes. The diphtheria outbreak
of 1874 really took its toll
on the shire.
Do not linger on the wrong
side of the licorice tracks
after sundown.
Are these early signs of something
we may one day regret not clocking?
Roz
Quick question.
Do you hate me?
What, don't you like it?
No, it's charming.
If not to scale, and a bit gaudy,
and not that charming.
And, Eve, you call yourself
an architect?
No. I've never
called myself an architect.
I'm an actress.
Then act like someone who gives a damn.
Great.
Now you've made me swear
in front of the vicar.
Thank you for keeping me
company, Freddy.
As a drinking partner,
you're quite convivial.
No.
(SLURRING): No, no, no.
You are conven
conv curv (CLEARS THROAT)
Holly, could you hook
your boy up with a quesadilla?
For the third time,
this is a French restaurant.
Sorry. Sorry.
(SPEAKS FRENCH)
Sorry you're having
such a rotten Christmas.
- Thank you, Frederick.
- Yeah. You're welcome.
And, Alan, I want you to know,
you've been like a second father to me,
and I will be here for you
no matter what.
- (LAUGHTER)
- I'm gonna be by your side
for the rest of
Oh, hey, the Santas are here! (LAUGHS)
These guys are so fun.
Sorry you have to put up
with all this on Christmas Eve.
Oh, it's okay.
I'm out of here in an hour, so
- You are?
- Mm-hmm.
Frasier told me you had
to work until 11:00 tonight.
Crap.
Okay, yeah, but he was freaking me out.
We've only dated a couple of times
and already he's inviting me
to some Christmas Eve intimate dinner.
It's just too much.
Well, that's Frasier. Too much.
Too impulsive.
Too grandiose. Too romantic.
Too eager to play any piano he walks by.
He did get a standing ovation
at Nordstrom.
And too in love with big,
ill-fated grand gestures.
But I can tell you
that nobody loves with a
bigger heart than Frasier Crane.
You just have to decide
if that's what you want.
(LAUGHING) I should not be doing this.
(WHISPERING): I'm half Jewish.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
Hi. Perhaps you could tell me
if my friend, Nora Cornwall,
has checked in?
Of course, sir. You know, it's my job
to give out sensitive guest information
to complete strangers.
You really are uncool. Mm-hmm.
There's nothing I can do.
Good morning, Ms. Cornwall.
My hands are tied.
Nora? Nora.
Hi.
Um, you probably don't remember me.
I'm-I'm Frasier Crane.
My dad's friend from Oxford?
- Wow! Small world.
- Yes.
Well, it's not really,
not that small, honestly.
Um, I'm here on a bit of a mission.
You see
your dad heard you were in town,
and I know you two have had
your differences, but, uh
he would love nothing more
than to see you
and to meet his grandchild.
Wait. So
you found out
what hotel I'm staying at
then you staked out the lobby?
Well, "stakeout" is not really
the right word.
- It's just
- How's the stakeout going?
- Well, it's not a stakeout.
- Well, listen.
You better hurry because
Alan is still in the bar,
but he's talking about leaving.
- Uh, my dad's here?
- Oh.
- I feel like I'm being ambushed!
- No, no.
It's not an ambush, honestly.
It's just the two of us, I swear.
(GASPS) Oh, is this Nora? Yay!
You found her!
- How many psychos are in on this?
- Well, honestly
Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad,
when Nora shows up,
we have to introduce her to Santa.
I'd like to go to my room now.
Nora?
I thought I heard your voice.
I can't believe it's you.
I'm so glad you're here.
I'm glad, too, Dad.
This way, I can tell you
once and for all
to leave me alone.
Stop ringing, stop trying
to force a relationship.
It's not gonna happen.
I don't want you in my life.
- Alan, let me explain.
- No, no, no.
I think you've done enough already.
Alan, thank God, you're here.
Listen, we would have
been here sooner, but
somebody needed a gordita.
Also a DQ Blizzard,
but God forbid we stop twice.
I'd like to apologize.
I was completely out of line
this morning.
Yes, you were.
And how are you? You okay?
Not really.
It was one thing when
Nora wouldn't answer my calls,
but having her say to me to my face
that she never wants to see me again?
Pretty devastating.
I feel terrible.
I don't know why
I thought I should get involved.
You can't help yourself.
It's who you are.
Nobody loves with a bigger heart
than Frasier Crane.
But damn it, Frasier,
sometimes it's hard
to be your collateral damage.
I understand what you were trying to do.
I just wish it didn't hurt so much.
I really am sorry.
And
will you still come to dinner tonight?
We are your family, too.
And we love you,
and we don't want you to be alone.
I don't know that I can face
a room full of happy people.
Then again, it is one
of your parties, so
Exactly. It's bound to be a disaster.
We can be miserable together. (LAUGHS)
So you'll come?
I'll think about it.
Let's go, Freddy.
Dad, do you love me
as much as you love Alan?
We'll talk about it in the car.
- So, what do you think?
- Hmm.
Let me find a positive way to put this.
You have failed me
in every conceivable way.
David,
your village is a masterpiece.
It's pastoral,
and yet, I feel the looming shadow
of the Industrial Age.
Finally, a discerning eye.
- It's a shame you have to tear it down.
- Why?
Uncle, I beg you. It's Christmas!
I-I know. I'm I'm sorry.
It's just that
Alan may be joining us for dinner,
and if he sees this,
it'll devastate him.
We have to tear it down.
FREDDY: Whoa. Hold up. (GRUNTS)
Before you do, I'm still pretty hungry.
I'm gonna eat the orphanage.
Haven't they been
through enough already?!
(CLEARS THROAT)
It's good that Alan might come.
- Did you guys work everything out?
- Well, not really.
I just
Why do I keep doing this, you know?
Meddling in people's lives.
- Well, you meant well.
- Yes, of course I did.
But
I just wanted Alan to have
the same second chance I had.
Why did I think I could talk to her?
I don't know what she's been through.
Being left behind like that?
Can't we at least save the cathedral?
I'm sorry, David.
God has other plans.
Hey. Freddy Crane.
- We
- Oh, look.
Drunk Santa's back.
I thought you'd be throwing up
over Greenland about now.
(SIGHS) That's-that's fair. May I?
If you're still hoping
for a heartwarming reunion
between me and my dad,
it's not gonna happen.
Oh, no, I get it. Trust me.
Me and my dad have had a
pretty rocky relationship, too.
Really? Did your dad abandon you
and your mom
to take a job when you were eight?
Uh, yeah, actually.
To be a radio shrink.
Basically, to be everyone else's dad.
Ouch.
But did he miss your tenth
birthday by three days
because, and I quote,
"It was daylight savings"?
Ooh. No,
but he did give me the same gift
three years in a row.
Tap-dance lessons.
Want to see?
(INHALES SHARPLY)
Tap-dancing is stupid.
(GRUNTS SOFTLY)
Look, I I could swap bad-dad
stories all day long.
I mean, he messed up plenty.
And, so, when he wanted back
in my life, I
well, I pushed him away.
Look, I stayed mad for a long time.
Until I realized that holding
all that anger was hurting me.
So I let him back in.
I mean, like you, I was so frustrated
that my dad just kept forcing
his way back into my life,
but
he didn't give up.
Lovely story.
Not sure I'm there yet.
Yeah, like I said, I get it.
Only you know when you're ready.
Okay, well
Merry Christmas.
In England, we say "Happy Christmas."
Yeah, I know.
That's messed up.
(PIANO PLAYING SOMBER MELODY)
Rockin' party, Fras.
I need a drink.
Alice, it's so nice to see you.
Your mom said you weren't coming.
Yeah, but then
I got a very long voicemail
from the North Pole.
Santa himself told me I should
"ho-ho-hurry" up to this party.
And then he told me
to "check out this cartwheel."
Again, this was on a voicemail.
Yeah, I'm never drinking again.
But I'm glad you made it.
(ALICE LAUGHS SOFTLY)
DAVID: The children were going to
gather at St. Bartholomew's tonight.
There was talk of a pageant.
Let's lighten the mood,
shall we? (CLEARS THROAT)
- Frasier.
- Oh.
- Christmas present for you.
- For me?
Bless you. Oh, my goodness.
- (LAUGHS)
- Look at this.
FRASIER: (GASPS) It's
It's Sigmund Freud's humidor.
Just think. This held the cigars
that may have inspired the great master.
And also killed him, but you know,
let's look on the positive side.
Oh, let me get yours. Here, Olivia.
It's certainly nothing
by comparison, but here.
Well I'm sure that yours is
(OLIVIA GASPS)
Oh. A three-night all-inclusive
stay at the Plaza Hotel.
- Frasier! Oh
- (LAUGHS)
Just thought you could use
a little rest and relaxation.
And I did get you some slippers,
because I don't like the ones
at the Plaza.
I think they're a bit gauche.
OLIVIA: Oh!
By the way,
how closely do you look
at your credit card statements?
- (KNOCKING)
- Oh. Excuse me.
Hardly at all, actually.
My accountant takes care
of all that nonsense.
Fantastic.
- Alan.
- Hi, Frasier.
Come in. (LAUGHS)
Merry Christmas.
Well, you were right.
I needed to be with family.
Now, I know you said
I shouldn't bring anything,
but I couldn't help myself.
(FRASIER GASPS SOFTLY)
- Holly. Hi. Hi.
- Hi.
(LAUGHS) I-I thought you had to work.
Yeah, I lied about that.
I just was freaked out
that things were moving too fast,
but I talked to Alan.
He's a good friend.
He really cares about you.
He also said you'd pay his $900 bar tab.
She's very attentive.
- Give her a good tip.
- Yes.
Come, get some glögg.
- Ooh. Okay.
- (LAUGHS)
(KNOCKING)
Hi, Dad.
Nora.
(SIGHS)
I can't believe it.
Neither can I.
I never thought I'd see you again.
(SIGHS)
I have so much to apologize for.
God, I have rehearsed
this moment for years,
and suddenly, I don't know what to say.
Yes. (LAUGHS SOFTLY)
We have a lot to talk about.
But for now
(BABY CRYING)
I'd like you to meet someone.
Jude,
this is your grandpa.
She's perfect.
- (JUDE COOS)
- (NORA LAUGHS SOFTLY)
Um sorry, everyone.
Uh I'd
I'd like you to meet
- my daughter, Nora
- (OLIVIA GASPS)
and
my granddaughter, Jude.
(LAUGHS)
It's a Christmas miracle!
Oh. Oh, Alan.
God bless us, every one.
Hey. Come on. Come on in. Come on in.
So, I'm a little fuzzy about
what I said to you at the bar,
but, um, glad it worked.
So am I. Thank you.
And happy Christmas.
Still messed up.
Nora, please come in.
Lovely to see you. Merry Christmas.
It's so nice to meet you, finally
Frederick Crane.
Did you meddle?
- I learned from the master.
- Ha.
Glad to see you're finally
embracing your heritage.
Oh, my gosh,
I'm so excited for the new year.
Think of all the scheming we can do.
All the people
who don't know they need fixing!
- I was pretty good at it.
- Mm.
No, Freddy!
Frederick,
if I can get my hands
on a beekeeper's outfit,
and you can learn sign language,
I think we can get Olivia married.
Why does that sound like a good plan?
Why does that sound like a good plan?!
Merry Christmas, everyone!
ALL: Merry Christmas!
♪
("TOSSED SALADS
AND SCRAMBLED EGGS" PLAYING)
FRASIER:
Y'all know how this goes.
Hey, baby,
I hear the blues a-callin' ♪
Tossed salads
and scrambled eggs ♪
And maybe I seem
a bit confused ♪
Yeah, maybe.
But I got you pegged.
(CHUCKLES)
But I don't know what to do ♪
With those tossed salads
and scrambled eggs ♪
Life's callin' again. ♪
Merry Christmas, one and all!