Futurama s02e10 Episode Script

Put Your Head on My Shoulders Four score and 1145 years ago our forefathers' foreheads|conceived a new nation.
This Presidents' Day, we honor the|values my body fought and died for.
Values like this new Plymouth V'ger.
I'm Malfunctioning Eddie and I'm malfunctioning so badly,|I'm giving these cars away! Let's go car shopping! My parents said|if I got B's, they'd buy me a bar.
I got all C's! Mind if I tag along?|My ass needs servicing.
This says it could catch fire|in a collision.
No wonder you're|at the end of conga lines.
I'll get my coat.
Let's go, Bender.
I'm Victor, and I know many things|about the art of unloading fine cars on beautiful women.
Now tell us she's witty|and sophisticated.
A gentleman always|sells a lady a car first.
This is a Beta Romeo.
|Yes, the Beta Romeo.
Note the cross-your-heart seat belt.
|It protects, lifts and separates.
Spotted her when you walked in, huh?|She's a beauty.
Yeah, beautiful coffee.
No, the Ford Thunder|Cougar Falcon Bird! Nothing makes you feel|more like a man.
- How much do you want to spend?|- I'm not buying.
I see you don't care if people|question your sexual orientation.
I do, but I don't know how|to make them stop! Thunder Cougar Falcon Bird.
The seats are stuffed|with eagle down the dash inlaid|with beaks of eagles.
There are eagles|under the floorboards.
- That's an awful lot of eagle.
|- Yes.
And yet - What's wrong?|- The luxury edition has more eagle.
- It's sad to think you're missing out.
|- Oh, don't be sad.
My parents are paying|and they're incredibly rich.
I installed bumpers to reduce|the risk of butt failure.
You, sir, have defaced|a national treasure! I demand you restore my buttocks|to their former glory! All right, but that ass is gonna blow,|and when it does I pray you're not mooning|someone you care about.
This car has everything|a beautiful woman like me needs.
Victor said so.
No dog food for Victor tonight! The sticker says $55,000.
|But we'll only go as high as, say Sixty thousand! I'll have to ask my manager.
- You don't go above the sticker price.
|- I thought it was an auction.
- He is not too happy.
|- I'm sorry.
Eighty thousand? I'm terrible at parallel parking.
You're asking for a day off?|Get out of my sight! You're bogarting my patience.
Who were you yelling at? I asked me for Valentine's Day off.
|I was in no mood for my shenanigans.
Valentine's Day's coming?|I forgot to get a girlfriend again.
- Since we have no dates, we should|- You assume I can't get a date? How about 8:00? I'm taking my new car to Mercury.
|Wanna come? - Okay.
How's the weather?|- The usual.
Boiling lead, lava.
So, what? Shorts? Boy, this a/c is incredible.
|I better turn on the heater too.
This heater is incredible!|I better turn up the a/c some more.
- How about some icy margaritas?|- Yeah! - We're slowing down!|- I'll hit the fuel guzzler! Who wants Pop-Tarts? It's okay.
I have an emergency phone.
- What are you doing?|- It's a videophone.
I'm in the Astro-Afro-|Antarctico-Amerasian Auto Association.
Hello? Septuple A? lt'll be a couple hours.
Oh, I'm gonna get sweat|on my sweat suit.
You're rich.
How come you dress|like you're doing your laundry? My parents tell me|to be more ladylike.
As though.
My folks were always on me to wear|underpants.
What am I, the pope? If you were, they'd be all,|"Straighten your pope hat" and "Put on your good vestments.
" It's nice to find someone|I can talk to about stuff, and junk.
It's like we feel the same way|about junk and stuff, or whatever.
- While they tow us, you wanna do it?|- Yeah! Which concludes the summary|of the movie I saw.
- Any old business?|- No.
- Any new business?|- No.
- Anyone sleep together?|- No.
- Yep.
|- Kind of.
- What?|- Oh, my God! - One thing led to another.
|- It led there again when we got home.
You snagged the perfect girlfriend.
Amy's rich, she's probably|got other characteristics Bender, romance isn't about money.
It's coincidence that Zoidberg is|desperately poor and miserably lonely? Please! For your information,|it's because he's hideous.
They go together like|a lime and a coconut.
- Do I hear wedding bells?|- What? No! Really? Oh, dear.
You're both very lucky.
I'd pay|to end my miserable loneliness.
If I weren't so desperately poor.
People will pay good money|for romance? I have a scheme|so deviously clever that l - $500 and time served.
|- Stupid anti-pimping laws.
Well, pay the man! - Honey, we love you!|- Shut up, baby, I know it! Computer dating.
Like pimping,|but you rarely say "upside your head.
" - Why would anyone ask you for help?|- Don't make me go upside your head! Fry? Amy? Put your pants back on!|I need a stapler! If you disrupt the mating dance the male will maul us|with his fearsome gonad.
It's working.
|They think we're making out.
- Why aren't we making out?|- I don't know.
- Okay, Mister?|- Smith.
Zapp Smith.
Brannigan.
Check off what you look for|in a mate.
Let's see.
Oh, yes.
Yes, definitely.
I'd like some of that.
I'll just have everything on the menu.
I'll run it through our high-speed|Romance-A-Logical Datafier.
- Say hello to Miss Right.
|- Hello.
Wow, we're great kissers.
Hey, later you want|to drive out to Europa? We can picnic and spit at Jupiter.
I used to spit at stuff|in the 20th century.
Cool how we think alike, and junk.
Yeah.
You know, Fry,|I like hanging out with you.
It was great.
But now she's talking|about hanging out.
She's getting way too serious.
|I'm not a one-woman man, Leela.
- You'll be back to zero soon.
|- She's smothering me.
- Hi.
|- You see? She's bothering me at work! I do my job, there's Amy.
I go to the candy machine,|there's Amy.
I sleep with Amy, there's Amy.
- I think you're overreacting.
|- Am I? Am I?! Face it, I'm a prize catch.
|I'm pulling down delivery boy money.
- She has billions in a trust fund.
|- She wants a trophy husband.
Come to Europa with us.
|We can't be alone.
Ready for a picnic, just you and me? You know who loves picnics|with just you and me? Dr.
Zoidberg.
Did someone say something|about a free meal? I haven't eaten since Tuesday.
Bird eggs.
Animal slices.
Dry woven reeds.
All gone.
Can I drive? No.
Fry, you busy tomorrow?|I got tickets to the ape fight.
We'll spend Valentine's Day|together, isn't it enough? Sure.
What do you want|to do for Valentine's Day? - Now we're doing Valentine's Day?|- You said We have to talk! Zoidberg, you drive! Pardon me.
Excuse me.
I'll just turn the wheel|to maximum fastness.
You know how you like chocolate|but get tired of it when it always|wants to hang out? - You don't like chocolate?|- Can chocolate let me finish? And the winner of the big car race is|Hot Rod Zoidberg! What I'm trying to say is,|I think we should stop Here, you drive.
Fry? Are you all right? My head's killing me.
|What happened? Was anyone hurt? No, no, no.
Of course not.
|Nobody but you.
Your body was badly damaged|in the crash.
- How badly?|- That's it over there.
I managed to keep your head|alive with some quick surgery.
- Where is it?|- There.
Looks like we'll be spending|a lot more time together, Fry.
This always happens|with office romances.
We'll have your body|all fixed up in a few days.
Upsy-daisy.
I'll try not to interfere|in your life.
- Fry?|- Sorry.
I guess I control that arm.
What'd you want to talk about, anyway? Maybe we'd better talk in private.
|I'll meet you in the closet.
I like you as a friend.
But we're|spending too much time together.
- You're breaking up with me?|- We should see other people.
I was really having fun.
|If that's how you feel.
I'm sorry, but it is.
If we're not seeing each other, can I|get another date for Valentine's Day? - Unless it would make you feel bad.
|- Hey, I can get a date too.
I can attract all sorts of women.
With my body, I think|you'll only attract one sort of woman.
So, how's business? Are you familiar|with my friend Al Gore? Losers get really desperate|around Valentine's Day.
Yeah, it's pathetic, all right.
- How much?|- Five hundred bucks.
- Done.
|- Brannigan okay? - No!|- Six hundred.
Leela? Can I talk to you|for a minute in private? No problem.
Amy made Valentine's plans|with some goon and I'm gonna be stuck there.
Will you be my date? Please? Too late, I'm sharing Valentine's|with a special man.
Not Zapp Brannigan.
Then I have to do something|so pitiful that I'm ashamed to tell.
- Bender's in his office.
|- Thanks.
I got your hookup.
My fee's 500 bucks,|but seeing how it's you l'll need it in advance.
Okay, we're done with the bra.
Why did you shave? Expecting|something to happen with the date? - None of your business.
|- And that's a lot of makeup.
- It's deodorant.
|- What does it do? Come in, Gary.
|I'll just be another 20 minutes! I'll be waiting! - It's good to make them wait a little.
|- Oh, God, it's true! - That dress looks great on you.
|- Thanks.
Where is she? I must say, Amy, you're all made up.
|Just like Fry's date.
Get it? I've got a date.
She's coming.
Fry, look who I found!|It's Petunia, your dream girl! How's them eats?|Don't mind if I do.
- Kids will be hungry.
|- She seems old.
She's well-traveled.
|I don't mean she travels.
- Wheels fell off my house.
|- Rose? Five bucks.
I'll take one.
- Me too.
|- Eight bucks.
- You said|- Demand skyrocketed.
You all saw it.
Leela, meet your future husband, Sal.
- Nice eyeball, Eyeball.
|- Nice ass, Ass.
Sparks! Buy her a rose,|I promise she'll put out.
I'll take my chances.
- Cheers.
|- Cheers.
Tell me, you a good gambler? - Well, l|- What's your game? Bingo? Keno? You don't have your own body! - I control this arm.
|- Slots player? - Sorry, but I can do better.
|- Wait! Come back, darling! I gotta catch my bus back to Nutley.
I'd kiss you but I lost my teeth.
I'd love to take a whack at you but the 10:15 to Nutley|ain't going without me driving.
Excuse me, did you say|"10:15 to Nutley"? Why, yes I did.
Did you round up our dates|at the bus station? - Of course not.
|- Anybody else for Nutley? Wait, you didn't|show me your surprise! - You know what I'd like to do|- Oh, jeez, get a room.
Maybe later.
I have an idea!|Let's go out for ice cream.
I thought Amy could come|to my place for coffee.
- I don't like coffee.
|- Neither do I.
I feel a little tipsy.
Let me pick up the check.
No! That's it! I'm getting out of here! If it isn't my favorite head|on Amy's body: Fry! - Oh, Leela.
|- We were just on our way out.
Nonsense.
The evening's young.
|So, Gary, what do you do for a living? Banking industry regulator.
Really? I heard that banking industry|regulations are very simple.
That's not true.
Modern banking regulations are a|product of five regulatory traditions.
- Six, if you want to get technical.
|- Oh, I do.
It began in 1410, when a number|of noblemen convened with the Thank you.
There, good as new.
|Except your dorsal fin.
I couldn't find it after the crash.
- I'll live without it?|- You call that living? Why wouldn't you let me graft|a laser cannon on your chest? To crush those who disobey you.
I guess we're two different people.
Thanks for the ride, Amy.
No hard|feelings about your date, or stuff.
I had fun.
If I ever feel lonely l'll look at this disfiguring scar|and think of you.
Anyway, it's nice to have|my own body back.
How's the corpse? Hooked up okay? Seems to be.
My neck's|just a little tender.
Cool! Ow! Thanks for rescuing me last night.
Anytime.
I enjoyed hanging out.
Everything worked out great,|thanks to Bender.
It's not like you|set us up with bad dates just so we'd be together.
Didn't I, Leela? Didn't I? No! You just corralled some stiffs|at the bus station and took our money.
True.
But in the end, isn't that what|Valentine's Day is all about? - Yeah.
|- I guess so.
Watch the neck! My ass! My beautiful