Get Smart (1965) s02e10 Episode Script

Hold it, 99, I think this is the place.
Max, are you sure this is where Agent 51 said to meet him? What's the matter with you, 99? You're awfully jumpy.
- Don't you like the circus? - Not at night, Max.
- Listen to those animals.
- ( growling ) ( trumpeting ) - Relax, 99.
- Relax? Agent 51 said to be very careful, that we'd be in extreme danger every minute.
a way of life to me.
The whole secret to it is to remain calm and poised at all times.
- Max-- - Agh! Don't do that, 99.
I'm sorry, Max, but I thought I heard footsteps.
I didn't hear anything, 99.
It must be your imagination.
I'm Agent 51.
Don't be afraid.
( whimpers ) - 51, what's going on here? - You scared me to death! I'm sorry, but I didn't want any screams when you saw me.
I wouldn't have screamed.
I wasn't worried about you.
What's going on, 51? What are you doing in that ridiculous gorilla costume? It was the only job they had open.
Listen, I haven't got much time.
I'm due back for rehearsal.
But I think I've cracked the case.
Tell the Chief that-- uh! They got me, 86, they got me.
Who got you, who? Tell us quick.
- Give him a chance, 99.
Take it easy.
- Max, there's no time.
Will you let me handle this? a glass of water? No thanks, I-- How about a banana? It's no use, Max.
He's dead.
Poor 51.
What a way to go-- with a knife in his back in a ridiculous gorilla suit.
Well, that's show business.
( theme music playing ) KAOS is using this circus for a smuggling operation.
Everywhere this circus has traveled in Europe and America, supplies of industrial diamonds have become depleted.
Now added to that is the fact that there have been four mysterious deaths in the circus in the past six months.
Agent 51 was the fifth.
Each of the others died a violent death during an actual performance.
Hmm.
No wonder they draw such big crowds.
Max, did you find anything on 51's body? Well, just this ring, Chief.
Let me see.
It's a diamond ring.
You know what that could mean? He was engaged? No, he was getting closer to the truth.
That's why he was eliminated.
Max, you and 99 will return to the circus to get to the bottom of this.
I want you to get over to the lab and see Carlson for some special equipment.
I want you to pose as reporters for "Circus World" magazine.
Look, Chief, since this is a circus, why don't we go as tent salesmen? What's the matter with being reporters? Well, nothing, Chief, except that a tent's a better cover.
A little humor there, Chief.
Okay.
Now since your cover is to be reporters, we've developed this special equipment.
Inside this camera is a hidden tape recorder.
And this tape recorder actually conceals a hidden camera.
- May I ask a question, Prof.
Carlson? - Certainly.
Uh, why hide a tape recorder in a camera and a camera in a tape recorder? Why not just take pictures with the camera and record with the recorder? Because my mind doesn't work that way, that's why.
Mr.
Smart? I'm Pepper Hanlon, press agent for the circus.
- Good to meet you.
- Nice to meet you.
Uh, "Circus World" magazine asked us to do a story on your circus, Mr.
Hanlon, and we thought an interesting approach might be the bad luck that's been dogging you, like the five fatal accidents in the last six months.
Oh, yes, that's a terrible shame.
Of course the circus can be a dangerous business.
Is the circus insured? An insurance man came around just last month.
- Oh, that's good.
- No, that's bad.
He had an accident.
- Was he insured? - I don't think so.
Where would you like to begin your interviews? We thought we might like to start with the main suspects-- uh, performers.
Um, how about Raymond the Magnificent, the knife thrower? - Fine, his trailer is right over there.
- Oh, thank you.
You must be the reporters from the "Circus World" magazine.
And you must be Raymond the Magnificent.
You may tell your readers I am the greatest knife thrower in the world.
Have you always been a knife thrower, Raymond? No.
I started in the circus, jumping 500' from a diving board into a barrel of flaming oil.
Wasn't that incredibly dangerous? I took steps to minimize the risks.
- What did you do? - I cut out matinees.
( clears throat ) Well, I must say, Raymond, that you certainly keep your knives in magnificent condition.
The blade of this one sparkles like a diamond.
- ( knock on door ) - Come in.
( whimpers ) Who's that? That's Rudolph, the circus mascot.
Now if you'll excuse me please, I must see to an urgent matter.
strange about that man.
Did you notice the reaction on his face when I said the word "diamond"? - Mm-hmm.
- I think he knows something.
- Take a look and see where he went.
- Right, Max.
Max, he's gone into another trailer.
He's in there talking to someone.
Do you think we should consult the Chief about him? Max, he's just a harmless little monkey.
I know that, 99, but he's still our Chief.
( monkey chatters ) Max, that's the trailer over there that Raymond went into.
It belongs to Gertrude-Gerald, the half-man, half-woman.
Well, we'll just wait until Raymond leaves and then we'll ask Gertrude-Gerald a few questions.
Mr.
Smart, Mr.
Smart, down here.
I'm Tiny Allen.
Mr.
Smart, I understand you're interested in the circus accidents.
And a little matter of smuggled diamonds.
Go on.
I don't want Raymond to see me talking to you.
Can you come to my trailer in about 20 minutes? I'll have some information for you.
- I'll be there.
- It's number seven.
Well, 99 it's time to question our next suspect.
So my magazine just wants anything that would be of interest to our readers.
For example, does your condition present any personal problems? Well, I have trouble checking into hotels.
Do you enjoy circus life? - Hmm, I hate it.
- Oh, really? Why? You meet too many weirdoes.
Besides, people in show business are too self-centered.
I often work with people for months and then when I run into them years later they don't even say hello.
Well, perhaps they don't recognize you.
Tell me, Gertrude-Gerald-- Please, call me Gertie-Gerry.
All right, Gertie-Gerry, what did you do before you joined the circus? I was a dance team.
Uh, Gertie-Gerry, my readers would like to know something about your personal tastes.
For example, how do you feel about diamonds? Diamonds.
They don't mean a thing to me.
Are you absolutely certain that diamonds mean nothing to you? Well, diamonds do have a certain appeal.
They glitter like a million starry nights.
You know, it's strange that you should ask about diamonds.
Why? Well, Tiny Allen the midget was talking about diamonds just the other day.
In fact-- in fact he offered to give me one.
Did you accept? Are you kidding? With him around? Tell me, what do you think of the several deaths that have occurred in the circus recently? I ignore such things.
I mind my own business and devote myself to my two hobbies.
What are they? Weightlifting and embroidery.
Max, I guess we'd better go see Tiny Allen.
I don't think Gertrude-Gerald knows too much.
Don't be too sure about that, 99.
Did you notice the expression on their faces - when I asked about the diamonds? - Yes.
One of them is lying.
Well, how did it go with Gertrude and Gerald? Oh, they were very nice.
I wonder if you could tell us where trailer number seven is.
- Tiny Allen, the midget? - Yes.
It's that one, right over there.
Uh, thank you very much.
Come on, 99.
Tiny Allen? - Tiny Allen.
- ( deep growl ) For a little fellow he's got a real deep voice.
Max, that's it over there-- number seven.
Oh.
Can Hondo help you? Uh, yes.
Well, you see, I had an appointment with Tiny Allen and the door is locked.
Me strongman.
Me fix.
Ah! You know, I had a dentist in the army that used to work the same way.
That's strange, 99.
All the windows are locked from the inside too.
Max, look! ( gasps ) He's been shot through the back at close range.
Hmm, committed suicide.
That's impossible, Max.
You're right.
There's no gun.
Wait a minute.
If all the doors and windows are locked from the inside, how did the murderer get out? Well, maybe he was murdered on the outside and then slipped in through this transom.
But then how did he lock the door? Simply by turning the key, 99.
Have you ever heard of a case where a dead man locked a door? No.
Not until now.
There must be some other explanation.
Maybe we should question that strongman.
You're right, 99.
He certainly was close by this trailer when we arrived.
- Come on.
- Right.
Pardon me, Hondo, could I ask you a few questions? Me Hondo, circus strongman.
Uh, me Maxwell Smart, magazine reporter.
You certainly do look strong, Hondo.
Hondo can lift locomotive with one hand.
Really? Um, do you happen to know anything about diamonds, Hondo? Hondo can crush diamonds with teeth.
What kind of a trick is that? Expensive.
What else does Hondo do? Hondo's greatest trick is keeping twin-engine plane from taking off.
- How do you do that? - I break pilot's legs.
That Hondo is a brute.
Yes, but fortunately we're trained to deal with guys like that.
- How, Max? - By trying not to antagonize them.
Well, we're right back where we started.
Not quite, 99.
Let's take a look at what we've got: a dead midget, a chimpanzee, a strongman who crushes cameras with his hands, a half-man, half-woman who likes embroidery and weightlifting.
It's all beginning to form a pattern.
Max, you mean you know? ( gasps ) Max, that knife missed you by inches.
You think it's some kind of a warning? Wait a minute, 99.
I've seen that knife somewhere before.
But where? - Max, I know.
- Hold it, 99, I'm trying to place the knife.
- But, Max, that knife-- - 99, would you please be quiet? You're interrupting my train of thought.
- It's Raymond's knife.
- There, now you've done it.
You've broken my train of thought when I almost had it.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Raymond's knives had the same kind of handles.
This must be Raymond's knife.
Good thinking, Max.
Now that we know who the knife belongs to, all we have to do is to figure out who threw it.
( gasps ) Max, it has to be Raymond's knife.
Well, if it is, he's in a lot of trouble.
- Why? - He missed me twice.
He could lose his job.
It's no use, 99.
We've searched everywhere and still no diamonds.
- I'd better call in.
Keep a lookout.
- Right.
( lion roars ) - What have you got, Max? - Absolutely nothing, Chief.
We've drawn a complete blank.
Have you searched everywhere? Those diamonds have got to be there.
Believe me, Chief, we have searched everywhere.
- ( roars ) - Except in the lion's cage.
Why haven't you searched there, Max? Are you kidding? There are lions in there! Max, when you joined CONTROL you knew it would involve certain risks.
- I know, Chief, but-- - ( roaring ) Well, you just can't go barging into a lion's cage.
They may resent strangers.
Max, I don't expect you to go into the cage alone.
- Oh.
- Take a whip and a chair.
A whip and a chair? Well, to tell you the truth, Chief, those lions look pretty mean.
I don't think a whip and a chair will be enough.
What do you have in mind, Max? Uh, well-- does the word "bazooka" mean anything to you? Max, we have to have those diamonds to make an arrest.
It could mean the end of the KAOS smuggling operation once and for all.
Right, Chief.
Now you're just going to have to go in there and face those vicious, hungry, man-eating lions.
- But, Max - Yes, Chief? Don't take any unnecessary risks.
What did he say, Max? - I've gotta go into the lion's cage.
- Max, you can't do that.
I've got to, 99.
It's an order.
And an order is an order.
Nothing can stop me.
Hold it, Smart! Boy, am I glad to see you.
It'll be a pleasure to get rid of two more CONTROL agents.
Wait a minute, Hanlon, how did you know I was a CONTROL agent? Any man who will go into a lion's cage unarmed is either a CONTROL agent or a fool.
Are you sure those are my only choices? - All right, drop that chair! - 99, duck! ( whip cracks ) Oh! All right, Hondo.
I'm used to dealing with big ugly apes like you.
Uh, listen, Hondo, I-- I hope I wasn't out of line with that crack about the ape.
So, Hanlon, you're the leader of this little conspiracy.
That's right, Mr.
Smart.
Diamonds are so much more rewarding than press agentry.
Of course I knew from the first you weren't reporters.
Oh, what made you suspicious? You asked too many questions.
Of course, I knew that would give us away.
And now you know too much to live.
How are you going to explain our disappearance? Since accidental death is not uncommon in the circus, we'll arrange to have you both killed at tonight's performance.
The highlight of each performance is when a man is shot from a cannon.
Hondo, prepare Mr.
Smart to be the human cannonball.
The human cannonball.
The human cannonball? So that's how you plan to kill me.
No, that's how we dispose of the body.
Oh, that's different.
Listen, Hanlon, leave the girl alone.
She doesn't know a thing.
I'm afraid that's impossible, Smart.
We're depending on your lovely assistant - to be our new lion tamer.
- ( lions roar ) She should survive no more than 10 seconds in there with those hungry cats.
Max, I'm scared.
Don't be scared, 99, we hold the aces in this game.
- What do you mean? - Just this, Hanlon: In the morning the police will receive a letter exposing your entire operation, which I took the precaution of writing last night.
I told you he was dangerous.
When the police get this letter, you'll all go to prison for-- Listen, Hondo, you want to make yourself $10? Mail this letter.
Hondo, destroy that letter! Destroy it! If it was phone book Take them away! Take them! This isn't fair, two against one.
( groans ) Oh, Max, I'm afraid this is it.
Hanlon said those lions haven't been fed in three days.
Oh, I'm sure he's exaggerating, 99.
They must have sent out for something.
A sandwich, a doughnut, piece of strudel.
I hope you're right, Max.
Listen, 99-- in case I don't get out of this alive and you do-- Max, you will get out of this alive! Well, just in case I don't, 99, I'd like you to do me a favor.
I don't want a big funeral.
I'd just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life.
If only we could get out of these ropes.
( moans ) - 99, wait a minute.
- What? - These glass buttons.
- Max, try it.
Hurry, Max, hurry.
through these ropes like butter.
Max, you don't think-- They're diamonds, 99, hidden right out here in plain view.
Max, quick, they're coming.
- Hurry! - Now listen, just keep your hands behind your back and when we get outside - we'll make a break for it.
- Right, Max.
All right, Mr.
Smart, you're about to make your debut and your farewell appearance all in one night.
Raymond, cut the ropes.
All right, get up! - Max-- - Quiet, 99, the show must go on.
Let's go.
Now! - Oh! - I'll get him, you get her.
No, I'll get him.
You get her.
- Never mind, I'll get them both.
- Right.
Nice going, Max! Oh! Max, it's Hondo.
I know it's Hondo, 99.
Shoot! Shoot! No, I don't want to arouse the crowd inside unless I have to.
- Use your knives! - 99: No! ( grunts ) Now look what you've done, Hondo.
You've ruined a perfectly good crowbar.
Grab him, Hondo! Raymond, throw your knives.
Max! Missed me by that much.
Twice.
Hondo know why.
- ( growls ) - No, Hondo, no no no no! Stop it, Hondo, stop! ( grunts ) No! I'll have to finish you two off myself.
( bullet ricochets ) Take care of these two men.
And take care of this one too.
- 99, are you all right? - Chief! So this is what you do at night.
When I didn't hear from you for six hours, I was afraid they might try something at tonight's performance.
Are you all right, Max? Yes, I'm fine, 99, except for my body.
We found the diamonds, Chief.
- They were part of Raymond's costume.
- Good work, 99.
Yes, Chief, those three were part of a KAOS gang that was responsible for the murder of those agents.
- ( moans ) - What about him? I mean, her? - I don't know what I mean.
- That's Gertrude-Gerald-- one of the most insidious villains I've ever encountered, with all the cunning of a man and the strength of a woman.
I think it's the other way around, Max.
Huh? Oh-- eh, yes, right, 99.
All right, Gertrude-Gerald, come along.
You played your last performance.
Wait a minute, Chief.
Aren't you gonna frisk her? Uh, him-- uh, them? Max, we'll take care of that down at headquarters.
Wait a minute, Chief.
Why take any chances? Why don't we take care of it right here and now? Max, it might be a little embarrassing.
Huh? Oh.
Yes, I see what you mean, Chief.
Well, it's really quite simple, Chief.
Here's what we'll do-- I'll frisk Gertrude and you'll frisk Gerald.
No, Max.
I've got it, Chief.
I'll frisk 99 and you frisk Gertrude and Gerald.
You wanna frisk me and let Gertrude and Gerald frisk each other? I've got an idea, Chief.
Why don't we take them down to headquarters and frisk them down there? loose end to this case.
How did they murder Tiny Allen in a locked room? That's what I'm trying to tell you, Chief.
Shh! Here comes your answer now.
( whimpering ) It's Rudolph the circus mascot.
We're gonna have to arrest him as an accessory in the murder of Tiny Allen.
You're in a lot of trouble, little fellow.
Max, what are you talking about? That's what I'm trying to tell you, Chief.
Don't you see what happened? Hanlon murdered the midget, then he sent this trained monkey through the transom, had him lock the door and leave the same way.
That's ingenious, but how did you know he'd come back? Because the criminal always returns to the scene of his crime.
- Kind of a shame though, Chief.
- What do you mean? Well, poor little devil is gonna have to spend the rest of his life behind bars.
( shrieks ) ( theme music playing )