Great News (2017) s02e10 Episode Script
Catfight
1 The lead story should be the President's proposed trade agreement with Mexico.
- I think we should lead with healthcare.
- Okay, tell you what: If I sink this pistachio shell into that trash can, you put Mexico at the top of the show.
Katie, that is idiotic.
We're a national news organization.
You have to get it in my mug, and I'm going to be going like this.
Okay, okay, but you have to keep it On a fixed horizontal plane, yeah.
No duh, Katie.
[SHELL PLINKS IN CUP.]
- Yeah! - So good at that.
Hey, sorry to interrupt.
I just need to know what kind of cake you want for your birthday, Greg.
No cake, Carol, and no party.
My birthday should be like any other day: very bad, but also very long.
Yeah, birthdays stink.
You know? You only get the one wish, and it's like, "Am I going to be a goody-two-shoes" "and ask for world peace," "or am I going to ask for what I really want" BOTH: Something stronger than coffee, but not all the way to cocaine.
[LAUGHS.]
You two.
Hey, Chuck.
[MISCHIEVOUS MUSIC.]
Have you ever seen two people so cute together it hurts? Are you talking about me and the very strong water delivery woman? There's a certain chemistry there, sure, but is it sexual? - Obviously.
- No, Greg and Katie.
Katie likes him, but she won't admit it, and I know Greg likes her, but he made me promise not to tell a soul.
Carol, you gotta get to it.
We're gonna run out of hallway.
The problem is that Katie's never gonna make a move, and Greg won't, because he has a girlfriend.
Ah, I see.
Carol, you ever seen the movie "Seabiscuit?" No, but on the Jersey Shore, "sea biscuit's" a bunch of stuck-together condoms floating in the ocean.
Wait, the movie's not about that, is it? No, Seabiscuit was a great racehorse, but he didn't become a champion until his owners got the idea to take his blinders off so he could see the competition.
[GASPS.]
I get it.
Show Katie who she's up against in the fight for Greg's heart! Exactly! - Oh, my God, we ran out of hallway.
- Oof! [UPBEAT NEWS BROADCAST MUSIC.]
Hey, Chuck, you got some fan mail.
Oh.
"Dear Chuck, thanks for sticking it to that bitch.
" I don't know what they're talking about.
Sure sounds like me, though.
Pretty handwriting.
Look at this: "Right-wing anchor slams liberal bitch over climate change hoax.
" That's the headline on "BlightBarf.
" I'm not right-wing! I'm not left-wing.
I'm like Switzerland Completely impartial, and I love chocolate and knives.
When did I ever slam you? Hm Looks like we've got a little mystery on our Actually, you know what? I'm kind of over this.
Can we do something else? No! [SIGHS.]
Fine, we'll do the mystery.
ALL: Surprise! Ah! Tiny Dunkirk! ALL: Happy birthday to you Happy birthday [FALTERING.]
[EMBELLISHED.]
Dear Greg Happy birthday to you Whose voice is that? [GASPS.]
I think it's mine! Cat? [SINGSONG.]
Surprise! That's Cat? She is so pretty.
I know! I'd always pictured a prim, big-boned woman with a British accent.
Oh, okay, I was picturing "Supernanny.
" Why would you come all the way here for what I'm desperately hoping will be a ten-second birthday party? Oh, I got a call from someone in your office who said you'd love me to be here! [LAUGHS.]
And bring Carol some candy.
Oh, look at that! She is all over him.
Oh, I don't know about you, but that makes me feel so competitive, much like a legendary horse might.
[SIGHS.]
We've looked through all of last night's show.
This is the closest thing to a slam.
NASA released a study on climate change today.
- [TAPE CLICKS.]
- You rolled your eyes.
That's it? That wasn't even a real eye roll.
I had a problem with my colored contact lenses, which I have to wear because my eyes are going gray.
Hang on.
No wonder they thought you meant something political, Chuck.
You're wearing a "Make America Great Again" tie.
What? I've never seen that tie in my life! I've been wearing the same green tie all week.
Diana St.
Tropez herself suggested it.
[CAN CLATTERS.]
[CAN CONTINUES CLATTERING.]
Justin, do you know something? Like all popular girls, I can smell fear.
Diana made me do it! She told me to green-screen right-wing graphics on your tie to drum up controversy.
- What? - Here, look.
The Texas flag, Obama with devil horns, an eagle dropping a bomb on Hillary.
[EXPLOSION.]
Controversy brings ratings.
And I mean, you're already an old, white man who screams at a beautiful mixed-race woman all day.
Why did you invite Greg's girlfriend here? What's your little scheme? I brought Cat here to take your blinders off.
You've seen the competition.
Now you can get fired up and destroy her! Why would I want to destroy her? Greg is my friend, and Cat seems really cool.
Well, I'm Team Katie.
I didn't make T-shirts or anything.
I made hats and mouse pads.
Mom, please don't do anything to Cat, and please stop saying Greg and I are cute together.
We are not.
[MUNCHING.]
Hey, so I just wanted to let you guys know.
I'm throwing Greg a little surprise party tonight for his birthday, And guess what kind of party it is Ah! - Halloween? - No, karaoke.
Really? I thought Greg didn't like celebrating his birthday.
Oh, no, that's just something that he says.
[LAUGHS.]
I'm Cat, by the way.
I don't think we've met.
Yeah, I'm Katie.
I work with [HIGH-PITCHED.]
Oh, my God! [LAUGHS.]
Oh! Wait, Greg, Greg, Greg! I met Katie! You're always talking about.
Not always.
Seldom.
Never.
Oh, he says such nice things about you.
I mean, he's basically in love with you.
[LAUGHS.]
Okay.
We should go and get some lunch? It was so nice to meet you.
I wish we had more time to talk.
- Oh, but you can! - [LOUD CRASH.]
Hey, I'm Carol.
I'm Katie's mom.
I have an idea.
Why don't the four of us go to lunch? BOTH: What? No.
BOTH: Why not? Sounds fun! Wonderful, unless Katie can think of a reason that we shouldn't in three - Uh, rat! - Two - Dog! - One! Yay! We're going! [BOTH LAUGH.]
All right, that's it.
No more autographs! Go on! - Love you, Chuck.
- Drain the swamp! I dropped my keys in it.
What's wrong, Chuck? Don't you like having fans? Of course, but I want fans who like me for the right reasons: because I'm impartial and I'm trustworthy and I do a great impression of [BRITISH ACCENT.]
Christopher Walken, baby! Yeah! But you're old and from Nebraska, so you've got to be some sort of conservative, right? Portia, I make an effort to never have a public opinion on anything.
That ball is in deep to center.
That thing is outta here! Each team has a valid perspective on this! I'm just gonna have to clear this up on the air.
That is a big mistake, Chuck.
Once you've been claimed by either side, you're stuck with it.
Look at poor Michael Moore.
You think he still wants to be a liberal crusader? You can tell by the way he dresses he clearly just wants to be a pornographer.
Excuse me.
Would you be interested in trading places, and I could do your job, and you could go have lunch with my crazy mom? Too late, bitch.
Real coat check girl is already on my bad date.
Oh, relax, okay? We're gonna have a nice lunch.
We'll get to know Cat and we'll ask her a couple of questions No, no, do not start in with the innocent questions that are clearly designed to make people regret their decisions.
Hey! New bangs, huh? Did you mean for them to look like that? Okay.
[CHUCKLES.]
Gosh, Cat, it is so nice to finally meet you.
"Finally?" Now why would I put it that way? Well, I guess it's because Greg never talks about wanting to marry you.
Why is that? Well, it's kind of a funny story.
Greg and I met the week after my grandmother died.
I was at the airport, and I left the ring that my grandmother Dorothy gave me in the security bin, but as I walked away, I heard a gentle British voice say "Pardon me, miss.
Have you forgotten something?" But now there's a crowd that's gathered that actually thinks we're getting engaged! So they're chanting, "Kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss," so we kissed, and now our little joke is it doesn't matter if we get married, because Greg gave me a ring the first day that we met.
Mom, please wait until we get outside before you make fun of this.
Oh, my God, are you crying? No.
It's just such a good story.
Oh, no biggie! Let's talk about something else.
No, Carol, I don't think that having a baby would end my career on Broadway.
Honestly, I think of it as a chance to lend my voice to the greatest song of all: motherhood.
[CRIES.]
You're right, Carol.
I guess Greg and I don't have a lot in common.
We're just one of those unlikely duos, like how my dog is best friends with his handicapped duck.
- See? - Ooh.
duck! You have a duck? I have three ducks.
And every time I hear that bell, it reminds me that Christmas is real.
Oh, okay, can we get the check, please? Greg and I already took care of it.
Ooh.
[SOBS.]
Which brings the list of men who haven't exposed their penis in Hollywood down to Tom Hanks End of list.
Chuck? Thanks, Portia.
Before we say good night, I just want to take a moment to address any perceptions out there regarding bias in my reporting.
In divided times such as these, I am reminded of one of my great heroes: Walter Cronkite.
Because of him, I have the integrity to stay firmly impartial.
He gave me a gift I can never repay: a $25 gift card to Coconuts.
If only I had used it before all their locations closed.
Thank you and good night.
[NEWS BROADCAST MUSIC.]
You're getting murdered on Twitter.
The right is calling you a traitor, but spelling it with a "D," and listen to what the left is saying: "Remaining neutral is a privilege reserved for a rich white man.
" Congratulations, Chuck.
Now both sides hate you.
[LAUGHTER.]
Sorry, Carol.
You had to be there.
I disagree.
It's just as funny this way.
[LAUGHS.]
Hey, can I borrow my mom for a second? - [GROANS.]
- What's going on, Mom? Are you Team Cat now? - Um - Oh, my God! Oh, just for this one thing.
I'm Team Katie for everything else.
I'd pick you over LeBron James for my basketball team.
Well, as long as we had Curry at the point and maybe Anthony Davis down low, and then we could hide you on defense.
But, Katie, what's the problem? I thought you didn't even like Greg.
I don't, but I'll be damned if my own mother is gonna side with another girl over me in a fake competition she set up.
You know what? This is the drums all over again.
"Katie, you should do the drums!" "You'll like the drums.
" Then I do, I kill one bird I'm sorry, but you can't compete with two people who are perfect for each other.
Perfect for each other? You think he likes a woman who takes every conversation and turns it into a one-woman show? [HIGH-PITCHED VOICE.]
Oh, my grandmother's ring.
We kissed for no reason.
[SOBS.]
I'm sorry.
It's just your tone of voice didn't change the emotional content.
Oh, the story of how they met is so romantic.
What is the story of how you and Greg met? Well, it was my first day here Hey, do you know how to use the copy machine? - No.
- Okay.
You see? Bad story.
Not romantic.
Greg and Cat are soul mates.
Soul mates? Please.
She's making him do karaoke.
If Cat and Greg were really soul mates, she'd get him something he actually wants, like I did.
Ooh! What's in there? No, this is the actual gift, but it's a top of the line Office Pro TX and it's got a lifetime guarantee that the ringulators They're never gonna encrossulate.
Okay, I don't know how to say this.
P.
U.
That gift stinks.
Step away from this, Katie.
Let Greg and Cat ride off into the sunset and make cute babies together.
Their cute babies? What about our cute babies? These eyes? His jawline? Get your head out of your ass, Mom! I'm way more perfect for Greg than she is, and I'm gonna prove it! Hey, Greg.
Sorry to jump in with a work thing.
I want to lead - with my story tomorrow.
- Okay.
No, but [LAUGHS NERVOUSLY.]
Betcha think I can't make it from here.
Oh, and the crowd goes horrified? Why? - [CHEEPING.]
- Oh no, your pet duck.
Katherine, they've been through so much already.
Shh, shh, shh, shh.
Aww Hey, are you gonna come to karaoke tonight? Yeah, yeah, I'll be there, and hey, if you think it's the perfect party for Greg, I am sure you're right.
Trust your gut, ok [WINCES.]
Oh, my God, I hurt my finger so bad on your stomach.
Sorry.
Dancer.
See you tonight.
Ah! [SIGHS.]
That was bad and uncomfortable.
Chuck? Oh, no, are you the new Hedwig? I told you you don't have the chops.
All my private information was leaked to the public, and now people keep sending me glitter bombs.
They have my address, my cell number, my CVS ExtraCare card.
Some low-life is out there getting all of my super-long receipts.
Standard troll move.
You got doxed.
- Hmm? - They wrote your number on the bathroom stall of the Internet.
Those bastards! I know this image stuff better than you.
- Let me help.
- Ah, Portia, I'll be fine.
I think I can handle a couple of Internet trolls who are acting like goofballs.
Look, someone sent me a piece of certified mail.
Surely that will be okay to [DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
You sons of bitches! I'll kill you! Come out of there and face me! Shh.
Here he comes! ALL: Surprise! [CLAPPING.]
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC.]
I was too British to admit it, but being surrounded by friends is what I wanted for my birthday.
So thank you, Cat, and thank you, all of you, really.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
Big deal.
He's just being polite.
Oh, she figured out he likes friends.
They must share a soul.
We are here tonight to honor Greg Walsh.
- Yeah, Greg.
- And this song's for you.
[CHICAGO'S "YOU'RE THE INSPIRATION" PLAYING.]
You know our love was meant to be [CROWD CHEERING.]
Go, Cat! The kind of love to last forever And I want you here with me From tonight until the end of time BOTH: You're the meaning in my life You're the inspiration You bring feeling to my life You're the inspiration Okay, I can see how this could look bad, but she is playing right into our Wanna have you near me Wanna have you hear me saying ALL: No one needs you more Than I need you [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Chuck? [RUSTLING.]
Are you hiding under your desk? Of course not! I'm living under here.
Get off my yard.
- - You're getting death threats now? They broke into my house.
They cut those letters out of my own personal issue of "Fonts" magazine.
Look, I know you claim not to have any opinions, but you obviously have one That I'm always wrong.
If you listened to me, you wouldn't be in this mess.
Please help me, Portia.
I'll give you anything.
How about a $25 gift card to Coconuts? Look, I'm sorry that impartiality in journalism is dead, but this is where we are now.
It's prison rules.
You either pick a side, or everyone kicks the crap out of you.
I was on season two of "Celebrity Lockup.
" But I don't want to pick a side! Now what do I do? Well, as Flavor Flav said before he used a sharpened spoon to tunnel his way to freedom, "I have a plan, Heidi Montag.
" [MISCHIEVOUS MUSIC.]
I'm sorry they're soul mates, pumpkin.
Wanna get some ice cream on the way home? My treat.
Oh, wait, I don't have a bank account.
No, hang on.
You like inside jokes? You like fun girls who know how to get the party started and know Greg really well? Well, feast your ears on this, Mom.
So, we are celebrating one cool dude.
Old Gregasaurus Grex.
It's not an established nickname.
It's whatever.
I think he's going to know where I'm coming from with this one.
[LYNYRD SKYNYRD'S "THAT SMELL" PLAYING.]
Whiskey bottles Brand new cars Oak tree, you're in my way There's too much coke And too much smoke Look what's going on inside you It's gonna make sense in a second.
Ooh, that smell Can't you smell that smell Ooh, that smell The smell of death surrounds you Greg, you remember? You remember that funny inside joke? - No.
- What are you talking about? You remember that time we all went out for Thirsty Thursday? It was like a year ago.
We all went out.
We heard that woman coming out of the bathroom singing "Ooh, That Smell" in that terrible voice? You remember? Ooh, that smell I remember.
Greg wasn't there.
- Oh, no.
- I also remember.
I was the woman singing.
You said it was good, and I should try out for "The Voice.
" Okay, I'm sorry.
Yeah, I'm I'm out.
Damn it, why? Oh, that smell Welcome back to our panel.
Still with us, Bo Jefferson, fiscally conservative van resident.
And on the liberal side, daniel with a lowercase D.
Now we've heard a lot of opinions tonight, but we haven't heard from you, Chuck, so what side are you on? Well, Portia, if everyone wants to know what I think so badly, here it is.
We need to protect the environment.
Exactly, because Mother Earth The environment of fun that shooting a machine gun into an abandoned house creates.
- Wait, what? - And I also believe that Jesus belongs in our schools.
- Amen.
- Just because he's my gardener and illegal and gay doesn't mean he shouldn't go to college for free.
I don't like that part.
And we need to build that wall between the US and Mexico And a door, and a roof, because we're building a giant duplex where everyone can live on the government's dime.
That's all from us here at the Breakdown.
Good night.
Uh, what just happened? I have no idea, man.
Congratulations, Chuck.
You completely confused Twitter.
Everyone's already moved on to #SandwichesBeLike.
I get it now.
If you were playing by prison rules, and you don't want to pick a side, you only have one choice To be the craziest guy in the yard.
I may not believe any of what I just said, but I do know one thing for sure.
You are not always wrong.
Thanks, Chuck.
You're the mayonnaise.
#SandwichesBeLike.
[MISCHIEVOUS MUSIC.]
Ooh, hey, pumpkin.
I'm sorry about last night.
What do you have to be sorry about? I drove you to madness.
You don't like Greg.
I should've listened.
Oh, my God, Mom, did you see the way I behaved yesterday? You honestly think I did all that stuff to prove a point to you? I'm obviously madly, hopelessly in love with Greg.
What? Then why did you say you weren't, like a thousand times? I was protesting too much, like when I kept saying I wouldn't want to be Cinderella in the play I prefer the role of Unnamed Male Ball Attendee.
Oh, yeah, but you were so good in that.
Remember? "Well, this is a wonderful ball.
" Ugh.
It doesn't matter now, anyway.
Oh, Katie.
I never should have taken your blinders off.
You two made such a cute couple.
Yeah, I thought so, too.
Oh, what a joke.
[ODD VOICE.]
"We play pistachio basketball together" "and we laugh at the same stuff and we get each other in a way that's really hard to explain" [NORMAL VOICE.]
and he challenges me to be the best version of myself, and when I see him in the morning, it is the nicest part of my day, and I know that he hates karaoke, even though he sings like a beautiful angel.
No, you know what? I'm right.
I do know Greg.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
I'm sorry to just bust in here like this, but it's super important and totally not a big deal and probably stupid and totally doesn't symbolize anything and I dug it out of the trash and the pepperoni's not part of it, but me buy you this for birthday.
Oh, my God, this was a mistake.
[WHIMSICAL ORCHESTRAL MUSIC.]
How did you know? You see me.
Yeah.
Cool, well I'ma go hang out with my wang out.
Okay.
Oh They are soul mates, but he's with Cat.
Oh, my God, the four of us are in a love triangle.
- I think we should lead with healthcare.
- Okay, tell you what: If I sink this pistachio shell into that trash can, you put Mexico at the top of the show.
Katie, that is idiotic.
We're a national news organization.
You have to get it in my mug, and I'm going to be going like this.
Okay, okay, but you have to keep it On a fixed horizontal plane, yeah.
No duh, Katie.
[SHELL PLINKS IN CUP.]
- Yeah! - So good at that.
Hey, sorry to interrupt.
I just need to know what kind of cake you want for your birthday, Greg.
No cake, Carol, and no party.
My birthday should be like any other day: very bad, but also very long.
Yeah, birthdays stink.
You know? You only get the one wish, and it's like, "Am I going to be a goody-two-shoes" "and ask for world peace," "or am I going to ask for what I really want" BOTH: Something stronger than coffee, but not all the way to cocaine.
[LAUGHS.]
You two.
Hey, Chuck.
[MISCHIEVOUS MUSIC.]
Have you ever seen two people so cute together it hurts? Are you talking about me and the very strong water delivery woman? There's a certain chemistry there, sure, but is it sexual? - Obviously.
- No, Greg and Katie.
Katie likes him, but she won't admit it, and I know Greg likes her, but he made me promise not to tell a soul.
Carol, you gotta get to it.
We're gonna run out of hallway.
The problem is that Katie's never gonna make a move, and Greg won't, because he has a girlfriend.
Ah, I see.
Carol, you ever seen the movie "Seabiscuit?" No, but on the Jersey Shore, "sea biscuit's" a bunch of stuck-together condoms floating in the ocean.
Wait, the movie's not about that, is it? No, Seabiscuit was a great racehorse, but he didn't become a champion until his owners got the idea to take his blinders off so he could see the competition.
[GASPS.]
I get it.
Show Katie who she's up against in the fight for Greg's heart! Exactly! - Oh, my God, we ran out of hallway.
- Oof! [UPBEAT NEWS BROADCAST MUSIC.]
Hey, Chuck, you got some fan mail.
Oh.
"Dear Chuck, thanks for sticking it to that bitch.
" I don't know what they're talking about.
Sure sounds like me, though.
Pretty handwriting.
Look at this: "Right-wing anchor slams liberal bitch over climate change hoax.
" That's the headline on "BlightBarf.
" I'm not right-wing! I'm not left-wing.
I'm like Switzerland Completely impartial, and I love chocolate and knives.
When did I ever slam you? Hm Looks like we've got a little mystery on our Actually, you know what? I'm kind of over this.
Can we do something else? No! [SIGHS.]
Fine, we'll do the mystery.
ALL: Surprise! Ah! Tiny Dunkirk! ALL: Happy birthday to you Happy birthday [FALTERING.]
[EMBELLISHED.]
Dear Greg Happy birthday to you Whose voice is that? [GASPS.]
I think it's mine! Cat? [SINGSONG.]
Surprise! That's Cat? She is so pretty.
I know! I'd always pictured a prim, big-boned woman with a British accent.
Oh, okay, I was picturing "Supernanny.
" Why would you come all the way here for what I'm desperately hoping will be a ten-second birthday party? Oh, I got a call from someone in your office who said you'd love me to be here! [LAUGHS.]
And bring Carol some candy.
Oh, look at that! She is all over him.
Oh, I don't know about you, but that makes me feel so competitive, much like a legendary horse might.
[SIGHS.]
We've looked through all of last night's show.
This is the closest thing to a slam.
NASA released a study on climate change today.
- [TAPE CLICKS.]
- You rolled your eyes.
That's it? That wasn't even a real eye roll.
I had a problem with my colored contact lenses, which I have to wear because my eyes are going gray.
Hang on.
No wonder they thought you meant something political, Chuck.
You're wearing a "Make America Great Again" tie.
What? I've never seen that tie in my life! I've been wearing the same green tie all week.
Diana St.
Tropez herself suggested it.
[CAN CLATTERS.]
[CAN CONTINUES CLATTERING.]
Justin, do you know something? Like all popular girls, I can smell fear.
Diana made me do it! She told me to green-screen right-wing graphics on your tie to drum up controversy.
- What? - Here, look.
The Texas flag, Obama with devil horns, an eagle dropping a bomb on Hillary.
[EXPLOSION.]
Controversy brings ratings.
And I mean, you're already an old, white man who screams at a beautiful mixed-race woman all day.
Why did you invite Greg's girlfriend here? What's your little scheme? I brought Cat here to take your blinders off.
You've seen the competition.
Now you can get fired up and destroy her! Why would I want to destroy her? Greg is my friend, and Cat seems really cool.
Well, I'm Team Katie.
I didn't make T-shirts or anything.
I made hats and mouse pads.
Mom, please don't do anything to Cat, and please stop saying Greg and I are cute together.
We are not.
[MUNCHING.]
Hey, so I just wanted to let you guys know.
I'm throwing Greg a little surprise party tonight for his birthday, And guess what kind of party it is Ah! - Halloween? - No, karaoke.
Really? I thought Greg didn't like celebrating his birthday.
Oh, no, that's just something that he says.
[LAUGHS.]
I'm Cat, by the way.
I don't think we've met.
Yeah, I'm Katie.
I work with [HIGH-PITCHED.]
Oh, my God! [LAUGHS.]
Oh! Wait, Greg, Greg, Greg! I met Katie! You're always talking about.
Not always.
Seldom.
Never.
Oh, he says such nice things about you.
I mean, he's basically in love with you.
[LAUGHS.]
Okay.
We should go and get some lunch? It was so nice to meet you.
I wish we had more time to talk.
- Oh, but you can! - [LOUD CRASH.]
Hey, I'm Carol.
I'm Katie's mom.
I have an idea.
Why don't the four of us go to lunch? BOTH: What? No.
BOTH: Why not? Sounds fun! Wonderful, unless Katie can think of a reason that we shouldn't in three - Uh, rat! - Two - Dog! - One! Yay! We're going! [BOTH LAUGH.]
All right, that's it.
No more autographs! Go on! - Love you, Chuck.
- Drain the swamp! I dropped my keys in it.
What's wrong, Chuck? Don't you like having fans? Of course, but I want fans who like me for the right reasons: because I'm impartial and I'm trustworthy and I do a great impression of [BRITISH ACCENT.]
Christopher Walken, baby! Yeah! But you're old and from Nebraska, so you've got to be some sort of conservative, right? Portia, I make an effort to never have a public opinion on anything.
That ball is in deep to center.
That thing is outta here! Each team has a valid perspective on this! I'm just gonna have to clear this up on the air.
That is a big mistake, Chuck.
Once you've been claimed by either side, you're stuck with it.
Look at poor Michael Moore.
You think he still wants to be a liberal crusader? You can tell by the way he dresses he clearly just wants to be a pornographer.
Excuse me.
Would you be interested in trading places, and I could do your job, and you could go have lunch with my crazy mom? Too late, bitch.
Real coat check girl is already on my bad date.
Oh, relax, okay? We're gonna have a nice lunch.
We'll get to know Cat and we'll ask her a couple of questions No, no, do not start in with the innocent questions that are clearly designed to make people regret their decisions.
Hey! New bangs, huh? Did you mean for them to look like that? Okay.
[CHUCKLES.]
Gosh, Cat, it is so nice to finally meet you.
"Finally?" Now why would I put it that way? Well, I guess it's because Greg never talks about wanting to marry you.
Why is that? Well, it's kind of a funny story.
Greg and I met the week after my grandmother died.
I was at the airport, and I left the ring that my grandmother Dorothy gave me in the security bin, but as I walked away, I heard a gentle British voice say "Pardon me, miss.
Have you forgotten something?" But now there's a crowd that's gathered that actually thinks we're getting engaged! So they're chanting, "Kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss," so we kissed, and now our little joke is it doesn't matter if we get married, because Greg gave me a ring the first day that we met.
Mom, please wait until we get outside before you make fun of this.
Oh, my God, are you crying? No.
It's just such a good story.
Oh, no biggie! Let's talk about something else.
No, Carol, I don't think that having a baby would end my career on Broadway.
Honestly, I think of it as a chance to lend my voice to the greatest song of all: motherhood.
[CRIES.]
You're right, Carol.
I guess Greg and I don't have a lot in common.
We're just one of those unlikely duos, like how my dog is best friends with his handicapped duck.
- See? - Ooh.
duck! You have a duck? I have three ducks.
And every time I hear that bell, it reminds me that Christmas is real.
Oh, okay, can we get the check, please? Greg and I already took care of it.
Ooh.
[SOBS.]
Which brings the list of men who haven't exposed their penis in Hollywood down to Tom Hanks End of list.
Chuck? Thanks, Portia.
Before we say good night, I just want to take a moment to address any perceptions out there regarding bias in my reporting.
In divided times such as these, I am reminded of one of my great heroes: Walter Cronkite.
Because of him, I have the integrity to stay firmly impartial.
He gave me a gift I can never repay: a $25 gift card to Coconuts.
If only I had used it before all their locations closed.
Thank you and good night.
[NEWS BROADCAST MUSIC.]
You're getting murdered on Twitter.
The right is calling you a traitor, but spelling it with a "D," and listen to what the left is saying: "Remaining neutral is a privilege reserved for a rich white man.
" Congratulations, Chuck.
Now both sides hate you.
[LAUGHTER.]
Sorry, Carol.
You had to be there.
I disagree.
It's just as funny this way.
[LAUGHS.]
Hey, can I borrow my mom for a second? - [GROANS.]
- What's going on, Mom? Are you Team Cat now? - Um - Oh, my God! Oh, just for this one thing.
I'm Team Katie for everything else.
I'd pick you over LeBron James for my basketball team.
Well, as long as we had Curry at the point and maybe Anthony Davis down low, and then we could hide you on defense.
But, Katie, what's the problem? I thought you didn't even like Greg.
I don't, but I'll be damned if my own mother is gonna side with another girl over me in a fake competition she set up.
You know what? This is the drums all over again.
"Katie, you should do the drums!" "You'll like the drums.
" Then I do, I kill one bird I'm sorry, but you can't compete with two people who are perfect for each other.
Perfect for each other? You think he likes a woman who takes every conversation and turns it into a one-woman show? [HIGH-PITCHED VOICE.]
Oh, my grandmother's ring.
We kissed for no reason.
[SOBS.]
I'm sorry.
It's just your tone of voice didn't change the emotional content.
Oh, the story of how they met is so romantic.
What is the story of how you and Greg met? Well, it was my first day here Hey, do you know how to use the copy machine? - No.
- Okay.
You see? Bad story.
Not romantic.
Greg and Cat are soul mates.
Soul mates? Please.
She's making him do karaoke.
If Cat and Greg were really soul mates, she'd get him something he actually wants, like I did.
Ooh! What's in there? No, this is the actual gift, but it's a top of the line Office Pro TX and it's got a lifetime guarantee that the ringulators They're never gonna encrossulate.
Okay, I don't know how to say this.
P.
U.
That gift stinks.
Step away from this, Katie.
Let Greg and Cat ride off into the sunset and make cute babies together.
Their cute babies? What about our cute babies? These eyes? His jawline? Get your head out of your ass, Mom! I'm way more perfect for Greg than she is, and I'm gonna prove it! Hey, Greg.
Sorry to jump in with a work thing.
I want to lead - with my story tomorrow.
- Okay.
No, but [LAUGHS NERVOUSLY.]
Betcha think I can't make it from here.
Oh, and the crowd goes horrified? Why? - [CHEEPING.]
- Oh no, your pet duck.
Katherine, they've been through so much already.
Shh, shh, shh, shh.
Aww Hey, are you gonna come to karaoke tonight? Yeah, yeah, I'll be there, and hey, if you think it's the perfect party for Greg, I am sure you're right.
Trust your gut, ok [WINCES.]
Oh, my God, I hurt my finger so bad on your stomach.
Sorry.
Dancer.
See you tonight.
Ah! [SIGHS.]
That was bad and uncomfortable.
Chuck? Oh, no, are you the new Hedwig? I told you you don't have the chops.
All my private information was leaked to the public, and now people keep sending me glitter bombs.
They have my address, my cell number, my CVS ExtraCare card.
Some low-life is out there getting all of my super-long receipts.
Standard troll move.
You got doxed.
- Hmm? - They wrote your number on the bathroom stall of the Internet.
Those bastards! I know this image stuff better than you.
- Let me help.
- Ah, Portia, I'll be fine.
I think I can handle a couple of Internet trolls who are acting like goofballs.
Look, someone sent me a piece of certified mail.
Surely that will be okay to [DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
You sons of bitches! I'll kill you! Come out of there and face me! Shh.
Here he comes! ALL: Surprise! [CLAPPING.]
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC.]
I was too British to admit it, but being surrounded by friends is what I wanted for my birthday.
So thank you, Cat, and thank you, all of you, really.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
Big deal.
He's just being polite.
Oh, she figured out he likes friends.
They must share a soul.
We are here tonight to honor Greg Walsh.
- Yeah, Greg.
- And this song's for you.
[CHICAGO'S "YOU'RE THE INSPIRATION" PLAYING.]
You know our love was meant to be [CROWD CHEERING.]
Go, Cat! The kind of love to last forever And I want you here with me From tonight until the end of time BOTH: You're the meaning in my life You're the inspiration You bring feeling to my life You're the inspiration Okay, I can see how this could look bad, but she is playing right into our Wanna have you near me Wanna have you hear me saying ALL: No one needs you more Than I need you [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Chuck? [RUSTLING.]
Are you hiding under your desk? Of course not! I'm living under here.
Get off my yard.
- - You're getting death threats now? They broke into my house.
They cut those letters out of my own personal issue of "Fonts" magazine.
Look, I know you claim not to have any opinions, but you obviously have one That I'm always wrong.
If you listened to me, you wouldn't be in this mess.
Please help me, Portia.
I'll give you anything.
How about a $25 gift card to Coconuts? Look, I'm sorry that impartiality in journalism is dead, but this is where we are now.
It's prison rules.
You either pick a side, or everyone kicks the crap out of you.
I was on season two of "Celebrity Lockup.
" But I don't want to pick a side! Now what do I do? Well, as Flavor Flav said before he used a sharpened spoon to tunnel his way to freedom, "I have a plan, Heidi Montag.
" [MISCHIEVOUS MUSIC.]
I'm sorry they're soul mates, pumpkin.
Wanna get some ice cream on the way home? My treat.
Oh, wait, I don't have a bank account.
No, hang on.
You like inside jokes? You like fun girls who know how to get the party started and know Greg really well? Well, feast your ears on this, Mom.
So, we are celebrating one cool dude.
Old Gregasaurus Grex.
It's not an established nickname.
It's whatever.
I think he's going to know where I'm coming from with this one.
[LYNYRD SKYNYRD'S "THAT SMELL" PLAYING.]
Whiskey bottles Brand new cars Oak tree, you're in my way There's too much coke And too much smoke Look what's going on inside you It's gonna make sense in a second.
Ooh, that smell Can't you smell that smell Ooh, that smell The smell of death surrounds you Greg, you remember? You remember that funny inside joke? - No.
- What are you talking about? You remember that time we all went out for Thirsty Thursday? It was like a year ago.
We all went out.
We heard that woman coming out of the bathroom singing "Ooh, That Smell" in that terrible voice? You remember? Ooh, that smell I remember.
Greg wasn't there.
- Oh, no.
- I also remember.
I was the woman singing.
You said it was good, and I should try out for "The Voice.
" Okay, I'm sorry.
Yeah, I'm I'm out.
Damn it, why? Oh, that smell Welcome back to our panel.
Still with us, Bo Jefferson, fiscally conservative van resident.
And on the liberal side, daniel with a lowercase D.
Now we've heard a lot of opinions tonight, but we haven't heard from you, Chuck, so what side are you on? Well, Portia, if everyone wants to know what I think so badly, here it is.
We need to protect the environment.
Exactly, because Mother Earth The environment of fun that shooting a machine gun into an abandoned house creates.
- Wait, what? - And I also believe that Jesus belongs in our schools.
- Amen.
- Just because he's my gardener and illegal and gay doesn't mean he shouldn't go to college for free.
I don't like that part.
And we need to build that wall between the US and Mexico And a door, and a roof, because we're building a giant duplex where everyone can live on the government's dime.
That's all from us here at the Breakdown.
Good night.
Uh, what just happened? I have no idea, man.
Congratulations, Chuck.
You completely confused Twitter.
Everyone's already moved on to #SandwichesBeLike.
I get it now.
If you were playing by prison rules, and you don't want to pick a side, you only have one choice To be the craziest guy in the yard.
I may not believe any of what I just said, but I do know one thing for sure.
You are not always wrong.
Thanks, Chuck.
You're the mayonnaise.
#SandwichesBeLike.
[MISCHIEVOUS MUSIC.]
Ooh, hey, pumpkin.
I'm sorry about last night.
What do you have to be sorry about? I drove you to madness.
You don't like Greg.
I should've listened.
Oh, my God, Mom, did you see the way I behaved yesterday? You honestly think I did all that stuff to prove a point to you? I'm obviously madly, hopelessly in love with Greg.
What? Then why did you say you weren't, like a thousand times? I was protesting too much, like when I kept saying I wouldn't want to be Cinderella in the play I prefer the role of Unnamed Male Ball Attendee.
Oh, yeah, but you were so good in that.
Remember? "Well, this is a wonderful ball.
" Ugh.
It doesn't matter now, anyway.
Oh, Katie.
I never should have taken your blinders off.
You two made such a cute couple.
Yeah, I thought so, too.
Oh, what a joke.
[ODD VOICE.]
"We play pistachio basketball together" "and we laugh at the same stuff and we get each other in a way that's really hard to explain" [NORMAL VOICE.]
and he challenges me to be the best version of myself, and when I see him in the morning, it is the nicest part of my day, and I know that he hates karaoke, even though he sings like a beautiful angel.
No, you know what? I'm right.
I do know Greg.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
I'm sorry to just bust in here like this, but it's super important and totally not a big deal and probably stupid and totally doesn't symbolize anything and I dug it out of the trash and the pepperoni's not part of it, but me buy you this for birthday.
Oh, my God, this was a mistake.
[WHIMSICAL ORCHESTRAL MUSIC.]
How did you know? You see me.
Yeah.
Cool, well I'ma go hang out with my wang out.
Okay.
Oh They are soul mates, but he's with Cat.
Oh, my God, the four of us are in a love triangle.