Grounded For Life (2001) s02e10 Episode Script

What the hell are they doing back there? They've been back there for, like, an hour.
Maybe I should donate some blood.
What, to a cat? You realize how much trouble we're in? If that cat dies, we're gonna die.
Don't panic.
Here you are, Mrs.
Thompson.
Winston is going to be just fine.
Whoa.
What the hell is going on here?! Our cat is clinging to a thread of life, and you're farting around with some bird? The doctor is with your cat, sir.
You should be with the cat, too, right now! Come on! Chop-chop! Let's go! Defcon 4! All hands on deck! Get the lead out! Start a drip or something.
Oh, God, do you think those guys Saw us hit Fat Philly's cat? How could they not? They were right out there on the sidewalk.
Oh, my God Do you think we're being followed? Maybe.
Hey, you.
You got no pet.
What are you doing here? The doctor needs a sample of my dog's stool.
Really? This guy's OK.
Claudia, what's up with all the trucks out there? Oh, big plumbing problem.
We gotta replace the whole sewer line.
Well, I hope it wasn't me.
Heh heh.
Actually, we think it was.
Hey, I'm kidding.
I'm kidding.
I'm gonna go take some lemonade to the guys.
All right.
Here you go, guys.
Ooh, I must've been in the heat too long.
I think I see Miss Staten Island.
Heh heh.
Mrs.
Staten Island.
Oh, yeah.
OK, shut up.
That's enough.
Why don't you stick your finger in that there lemonade and make it a little bit sweeter, huh? OK.
Yeah, yeah.
Oh, yeah! a broken cat's leg.
What a rip.
For 600 bucks, I could get you a black-market eagle.
Guys, what do you got in the box? Oh, it's a kitty.
Wook at the sweet wittle kitty.
Who hurt the sweet wittle kitty? Sean ran him over.
Not all of him.
3 of his legs are still good to go.
Where's Claudia? She's out back.
I got to talk to her.
She's not gonna wanna hear it.
What's going on? We have this plumbing problem.
Oh, really.
And I thought I could fix it.
Guys, I have to run a snake through the main sewer line, so nobody use the water, OK? What? I can't go to school without a shower.
I'll stink.
You could put on extra deodorant and sit by the gerbil cage.
Did you finish off the fruit loops? Enjoy your puffed rice, loser.
Aah! Oh, God! Henry, did you just flush the toilet? Yes, I did.
What the hell were you thinking?! You yell at me when I do, and you yell at me when I don't! I'm going back to diapers.
You've been living for a week like this? Why didn't you just get it fixed? It's not that simple.
Our sewer line runs right underneath our next-door neighbor's property.
So I went next door and asked Mr.
O'Keefe very nicely if I could have access to his yard.
You can go to hell, Finnerty.
I just need to dig a little, tiny trench through your backyard.
Dig it in your own lawn.
Damn it, Brad.
I told you to check for rocks.
It was the hose nozzle.
Listen to me, OK? Our pipe runs right underneath the lawn.
That was bad planning.
Why don't you move? What the hell was that? I think I ran over the extension cord.
Listen to me! We can't use our toilet! Go think of something.
What is he doing in there? We each get 5 minutes.
That was the rule! Hey, we're running out of toothpaste.
Henry, come on.
You can brush your teeth at home.
Yeah.
We're here 'cause we can't use the toilets.
Oh I'll be right out.
Gimme the magazine.
Oh, man.
Why don't we just call my uncle Sal? No, thanks.
Why not? Come on, he's a big contractor.
He knows people downtown.
I just don't want to.
Thank you.
Yo, Lily.
What you doing, number 1 or number 2? I'll call Sal.
So I asked him, but, man, I wish I hadn't.
Hey, guys, uncle Sal's been calling for you.
Oh, God, that's not good.
We're dead.
We dead.
What's with the cat? Forget about the cat.
We're the ones in trouble.
What are you talking about? Claudia, we got to talk to you about what your uncle Sal really does.
He's a contractor.
Oh, no, no.
He's not just a contractor.
Capisce? No.
Claudia, capisce? No.
No capisce.
Oh, come on, the signs were right in front of us all along.
It's a tie.
Yeah.
I thought it would be a good color for you.
It's not a good color for me.
It's a great color for me.
Do you have any idea how insulting that is? Just because he's an Italian-American does not mean he's in the mob.
All right, I'm not saying he's in the mob because he's an Italian-American.
I'm saying he's in the mob because he's in the mob! Hey, will you two guys lower your voices? You're scaring the poor wittle kitty.
He'll be all right.
His kitty vicadin should be kicking in.
There's still no water in the bathroom.
I know.
They'll be done soon.
I need a shower, and we're out of those wet naps from the chicken place.
Well, can't you just take another shower at Brad's house? Absolutely not.
So you got everything you need, right? Yep.
All right, then.
Brad, listen to me.
This is nobody's sick fantasy coming true.
I'm just taking a shower.
What? Leave! Go.
Ahem.
Brad Yaaah! What are you doing here? I I feel sick, and I'm afraid I'm gonna throw up.
Oh, really? OK, well, go ahead.
I'll wait.
Do it! I can't do it when I'm being watched, OK? How about you just hop in the shower? Brad, get out.
Get out.
Git.
Aah! Well, why don't you go put a bathing suit on, and I'll hose you down in the backyard.
I'm not a German Shepherd.
It's OK, kitty.
She said she's not a German Shepherd.
Claudia, baby, I know this must be hard.
I can't imagine how I'd feel if I found out my favorite uncle was a criminal.
Which he is not.
Aw, come on, baby.
Aren't you the least bit curious of how our O'Keefe problem suddenly disappeared this morning? O'Keefe? I just wanted to clarify our little conversation from the other day.
What? I wasn't saying you couldn't dig out my yard.
I just wanted to make sure that it was done right, for both our sakes, you know.
Really? Good morning, Sean.
I don't wanna take up any more of your time.
Uh, uncle Sal, did you talk to that guy? We had a nice chat.
Turns out, he's a reasonable man.
Hey, don't track dirt in the house.
Uh, Sal, that guy's not a reasonable man.
Oh, you'd be surprised.
Uncle Sal just has a way with people, OK? He always has.
You, you're too confrontational.
Yeah, you do have that problem-- Shut your mouth, Eddie! See? Just face facts, Claudia.
Your uncle Sal's in the mob.
Uncle Sal's in the mob? Yep.
Great.
Now I don't have to go to school anymore.
OK, uncle Sal is not in the mob.
And if he were, which he is not, you'd still have to go to school.
Can he at least get me out of dodge ball? Oh, Sean-- Hey, he's your uncle.
Hey, you listen to me.
I'm half-Italian.
I had to grow up dealing with all these stupid stereotypes.
And I will not have you teaching our kids that uncle Sal's in the mob just 'cause he's Italian.
I'm not saying he's in the mob just because he's Italian.
I'm saying he's in the mob because this morning, he made me an offer I couldn't refuse! These are good.
These are really good.
Where'd you get these? Havana.
Can I get a few extras? Just in case I get the urge to smoke and you're not around.
No.
Sal, I really appreciate the help you've given me with the family.
Don't worry about it.
I did a favor for you, and one day, you'll do a favor for me, right? Right.
How about this afternoon? What? You see that Lincoln? What I need you to do is run it out to Coney Island for me.
A couple of guys will pick it up.
You can take the bus back.
Here.
Use my Metro card.
Sal, I'd love to-- That car is very important to an associate of mine, and he'd be very upset if anything happened to it.
That's why I'm trusting you, because you're family.
I'd really love to.
It's just, uh Today I promised Jimmy and Henry that I'd take 'em-- I'd really appreciate if you'd do me this favor.
Oh, yeah.
Mmm-mmm-mmm.
The moon is out early tonight! And it is a full moon.
Nice.
What are they talking about? Your butt is hanging out.
Aw, boo.
Come on, show's over? Hey, look, I'm married.
We don't care.
Yeah, come on, drop 'em.
I'm taking a break.
Whoo! Just as good going as it was coming.
Stop that.
Woof woof.
Arrrr! Hey, guys, is your sister here? Maybe.
Tell her I bought her a new shampoo and a conditioner.
It's a volumizer.
Brad, do you actually think Lily likes you? Yeah.
She's only showering at my house naked.
Brad Hey, Lily, look what I got.
It's good for oily.
That's OK.
I called Christina.
I'm gonna go shower at her place.
But I thought everything was going great.
You were trying to see me naked.
OK, we had a few problems.
Oh, my gosh, yes.
You're a perve.
I'm acknowledging the problems.
Good-bye, Brad.
Bye.
I fluffed towels for you.
Here you go, Mr.
Kitty Witty.
You gotta stop talking like that, dad.
Like what? That kitty-witty stuff.
You're making me physically ill.
Have you come to terms with this whole thing yet? Shh With your being a paranoid psychopath? Yeah, came to terms with that years ago.
Come on, baby, wake up.
What is wrong with you? He asked you to do one little simple favor.
Hey, it was neither little nor simple.
I don't like this.
I just hope these guys come quick.
We give 'em the car, and we just go home.
Yeah, I hope it goes down like that.
How else is it gonna go down? There are numerous scenarios, many of which end with us being killed.
Why would we get killed? We know too much.
We don't know anything.
They don't know we don't know anything.
For all they know, we know something.
Tsk, you're being paranoid.
You're being naive.
There's something in this car, something nefarious.
Aw, come on.
Check the trunk.
I'm not checking the trunk.
Check the trunk.
I'm not buying into your paranoia, OK? Period.
It's locked.
What did I tell you? It's this damn valet key.
Why wouldn't they give me the real key? 'Cause whatever's in there wants to get out.
Do you think there's a person in there? Let's find out.
Oh, great Oh, my Gimme that rebar right there.
Hurry, hurry.
Oh, God.
Oh, God.
Look, pull the tarp back.
You pull the tarp back.
You pull it back.
I'm not pulling it back.
We'll pull it back on 3, all right? It's volleyball equipment.
He likes volley-- He's a volleyball man.
He's a sports enthusiast.
What do you think's under the bag? Whatever they've hidden, they're really good.
Do you have a problem here? Oh, uh, officer, no.
Everything's fine.
There ain't nothing to see.
Move along.
Excuse me? We gotta go! Did you find anything in the car, anything at all? They hide these things very well.
Or maybe there was nothing in the car.
Then why did the cops come after us?! Because you were stripping a car in broad daylight.
Forget it, Sean.
She's a mafia Princess.
She's too close to it to see the truth.
It's not the truth.
Oh, yeah? Have you ever been to your uncle Sal's office? 'Cause we have! This is it.
This is the address.
Oh, hey Hold your horses, guy.
All right, Ed, we're gonna go in there and tell Sal, "no deal.
" Yeah, "thanks but adios.
" "Find some other guys.
We're not your guys.
" Uh-oh.
We may have made a serious error in judgment.
You a friend of Fat Philly? No.
Then I don't think you wanna be holding his cat.
I'm not.
We should probably get the hell out of here.
What do you say? Ed? OK, bye.
Aaaaahhhhh! I'm coming! I'm coming, Ed! Come on, come on.
Come on, come on.
What the hell was that? Aw, you clipped Fat Philly's cat.
What? You clipped his cat.
It was an accident! What are you telling me for? Pick him up! What? He's dinged.
Pick him up! You got a glove? No.
Just pick him up.
Come on.
Let's go, let's go, let's go.
He's digging his claws into my chest.
Claudia, look, look.
I know you love him, OK, and I know he's your uncle, but you gotta face facts-- Uncle Sal is a made guy.
He's in the mob.
He's cosa nostra.
He's mafia! Sean, Eddie.
Sal What the hell happened to the car? Well, uh, see, it got into a little accident.
The inside of the car got into an accident? They went a little insane.
They thought there was a dead guy in the car.
Why would they think that? Because OK, this is ridiculous and insulting.
They think that you are in the mob.
The mob? Heh heh heh heh.
I know.
I'm a businessman.
Why would you think that? Because you asked us to take this car to Coney Island, right, with this weird key, and then we open it and there's a bag with volleyballs, we go to your place, there's guys with chains, and they got a TV! I was trying to tell him Sal, I don't know.
I just--I'm sorry.
I lost my mind.
You little jerk.
Heh heh.
Big jerk.
Oh, who's this? I call him Mr.
Mittens.
Is this Fat Philly's cat?! Yeah.
Are you the guys who ran over Fat Philly's cat? Maybe.
You're dead.
What? Philly's a button man.
Good God, Sean.
He's broken people's arms for petting the cat.
One guy forgot to change the kitty litter, now he's part of the Throgs Neck bridge.
B-b-but you're not part of the mafia, right? Of course not, sweetheart.
There is no mafia.
You guys, you screwed up big time.
What am I gonna do? Man, I got kids.
I can't be in a bridge.
OK, OK.
Tell you what I'm gonna do.
I think I know how to fix this thing with Philly, but, um, it ain't gonna be easy.
Oh, if you could, Sal, God bless you.
Oh, please help us.
But now you owe me a big favor.
Oh Jeez.
Good-bye, Mr.
Mittens.
I'm gonna miss you.
Gimme that.
You guys don't show your faces east of Grand Avenue, capisce? I'm sorry I can't stay for dinner.
I'll see you at easter, OK? OK.
OK.
Bye.
Stunat.
Yeah, stunat.
What's the matta you, hey Why you lookin' so sad, hey? It's-a not so bad Your uncle's in the mob! Psss.
Ow! Look, I agreed to you pay 50 bucks to haul away this stuff.
Yeah, I'll haul it off, but it's gonna cost you It's a disposal fee.
Oh, yeah? What if I don't wanna pay this disposal fee? We'll haul it off and bring it right back here.
Ooh! Just gimme back my 50 bucks, all right? Oh, I'm sorry.
It's not refundable.
Do you know who I am? No.
I am Claudia Bustamante.
Yeah My uncle's Sal Bustamante.
Load it up, boys.
Come on.
Here's your $50 back.
Thank you.
I said move it, move it.
Got an old freezer in the basement.
Oh, anything you'd like.
Just make a list, ma'am.
Get the dolly.
Get the dolly! Can we help you? I'm here to see a friend.
Does your friend have a name? Yeah, Mr.
Mittens.
Well, hello, Mr.
Mittens.
How's my pretty wittle puddy? You don't wanna do that.
His coat doesn't look right.
What the hell have you been feeding him? Chicken salad.
Give him some sardines.
He needs the fish oil.
And here's a squeaky mouse.
Give it to him after I leave.