Growing Pains s02e10 Episode Script

["THEME FROM LOVE STORY" PLAYING ON TV.]
[MAGGIE SNIFFLES.]
[BLOWS NOSE.]
[MAGGIE CHUCKLES.]
[SCRAPING OUTSIDE.]
Did you hear that? -What, that kind of scraping sound? -Yeah.
-From up on the roof? -Yeah.
No, I didn't.
[SCRAPING CONTINUES.]
I didn't hear that one either.
[ROOF CREAKS.]
Jason.
Okay, I'll handle it.
-Wait.
-Oh, gosh.
Are you gonna let me handle this myself? [WHISPERS.]
Jason.
All right! [ALL SCREAM.]
Um, I was on my way home and I figured I had plenty of time to get home before midnight because, as you know, I wouldn't miss my curfew.
There I was, feeling pretty obedient, when what do you think I saw? A spaceship.
Come on, Dad, don't be ridiculous.
I saw fire.
Yeah, I saw a towering inferno.
Oh, my.
So then I said to myself, "Mike, you've got two choices.
Either you can turn your head the other way and make your curfew or you can be a measly two hours and 10 minutes late and save a few lives.
" -Wow.
-What a kid.
So with no concern for my personal safety or the time-- -It's 11:30.
-I know.
So with no concern for-- What? It's 11:30 right now, Mike.
A whole half an hour before your curfew.
Boner.
You might say that.
No, no, no, Boner must have got the time wrong.
Heh.
I guess the joke's on all of us.
I'll be back before 12.
Halt.
Okay, okay, so there was no towering inferno.
BOTH [SARCASTICALLY.]
: No.
So you admit that you lied to us.
Lie is such an ugly word.
Come on, Maggie, suitcases are in the car.
We can go just as soon as your parents get here.
Oh, come on, honey, cheer up.
In two hours, you'll be cavorting in Atlantic City with a group of 5000 conventioning psychiatrists.
Come on, if you're ever gonna have a breakdown this is the weekend to do it.
Jason, it's not that Mike lies, it's that he does it so often.
Well, at least he doesn't do it well.
I'm serious.
Oh, come on, Maggie, he's 16.
I'm sure when you were 16 you must have lied to your folks once in a while.
I did not.
I was never like Mike, never.
-Is Grandpa here yet? -He'll be here any minute.
I'm gonna ambush Grandpa when he comes.
-Well, eat your breakfast first.
-Oh.
Let's ground him.
I'll eat, I'll eat.
We're talking about Mike.
Ground him.
We can't.
We're gonna be at a psychiatric conference this weekend.
But my parents will be here.
And my dad's been retired from the police force for over three years now.
I mean, it would be really sweet to let him lock somebody up again.
-Good morning, mother, good morning, Dad.
JASON: Yes.
Good morning, little Ben.
Uh, I guess you're wondering why I'm standing here in this wrinkled, tattered shirt.
No.
Well, just let me explain.
Okay, now, I was up all last night with worry thinking about what I did and why it was so wrong and-- And what I can do to make it up to you, my parents.
The two most important people in my life.
Well, we've been doing some thinking too, Mike.
Oh.
Well, just let me run my thoughts by you.
-Mike, I really-- -Wait, this might be good.
Ha! Ben, take your breakfast and get ready to go jump Grandpa.
But I wanna watch Mike suffer.
Ben, your mother told you to please go ambush your grandfather.
Okay, all right.
Now, one, I was actually on time.
And, two, I admitted openly and honestly that I lied, and, three-- You are grounded for the remainder of the weekend in bed by 8 and no TV.
Well, look at it this way, Mike, you won two out of three points.
Is it okay if I stay at Wanda's while Grandma and Grandpa are here? Carol, is it gonna hurt you to spend one whole weekend here with your grandparents? Well, not physically, but.
The answer is no.
Mom, you can't ground me this weekend.
Oh, yes, I can.
You have to learn that lying is wrong.
-Mom, I have got major plans this weekend.
-Wanna bet? [PHONE RINGING.]
Hello? Oh, Susan, what's up? Oh, I thought Christopher was gonna cover that story this weekend.
Today? Well, I can't do it-- I know you can make it an order, but see, I'm going to Atlantic City with-- It's not a flimsy excuse.
Um.
See, I'm going to my Aunt Marge's wedding, I'm-- I'm in the wedding.
I'm sorry too, Susan.
Any other weekend, I'd be available.
Right, you too.
Bye-bye.
"Lie, a deception, a fabrication, an untruth a falsehood.
" I admit we do have something of a dilemma, but it's not a problem that can't be solved.
In fact, the solution is really very simple.
You're grounded too.
[LAUGHS.]
-Very funny.
-Yes.
Ha, ha.
But seriously, honey, we.
-You are serious.
-Well-- -Oh, Jason, that's absurd.
-You're right.
-I don't see how it would help.
-You're right.
-I don't believe we're discussing it.
-Right.
I hate it when you say "you're right" when you really mean "you're wrong.
" Forget I even mentioned you being grounded.
Forget that it would teach Mike that lying is wrong for everyone.
-Forget that I-- -Jason.
-I hate this more than I hate the other thing.
-You're right.
-You're doing it again.
-I'm sorry.
I will tell Mike that it's all right to lie as long as you don't base it on an Irwin Allen disaster movie.
-Jason.
-Yeah? I don't wanna be grounded.
Honey, it's only two days of workshops on schizophrenia, paranoia, phobias, fetishism.
-Sounds fun.
-Ha, ha.
Imagine the look on Mike's face when we tell him that his sure-fire escape from punishment doesn't work.
You should have seen that look on Mom's face.
I love that look.
It's that look of defeat.
Mike, your mom and I have been discussing the situation.
I'll bet.
We agreed that it's not fair for you to be grounded while she spends the weekend in Atlantic City.
Hey, I'm glad to see you guys came around.
So your mother's been grounded too.
Excuse me? You're kidding, right? No, Mike, I'm grounding myself for lying to my boss.
Whoa, wait a minute.
You're grounding yourself? That's right.
I saw the chance to nail myself to the wall and I took it.
ED: Whoa, whoa! You realize this front door's standing wide open? BEN: Stick them up, copper! All right.
Shoot if you want to, but I'm giving you a hug.
MAGGIE: Daddy! [ED & MAGGIE LAUGH.]
Good to see you.
MAGGIE: Hi, Mom.
-Hi, sweetheart.
How are you? Oh, Mikey.
Oh! Ed, it's good to see you-- Carol, haven't you got a hello for your old grandpa? -Hi! -Kate.
Oh, Jason, it's so good-- Maggie.
I'm so sorry we're late.
Ed had to pick up a little surprise for you.
Oh, Daddy, what? Not so fast.
[SINGING.]
How do little girls Ask for something from their pop? [SINGING.]
Pretty, pretty please with a cherry on top [BOTH LAUGHING.]
I'm gonna gag.
-Sinatra tickets.
-Oh! What? I knew you had to dread that shrink convention so when I found out that Sinatra was gonna be playing in Atlantic City well, I just pulled a few strings.
We know how much you love OI' Blue Eyes.
Oh, Jason.
-Sinatra.
JASON: Yeah.
Ed, I've been knocking myself out trying to get these.
Yeah, I'm sure you did.
Oh, Daddy, thank you so much.
Uh, excuse me, mother, but aren't you grounded? What was that, Mikey? Oh, Mom was just saying how she was grounding herself for this weekend.
-Maggie? -That's right, I-- I did.
Sounds like another one of your screwball shrink deals.
It's good to see you too, Ed.
Dad, we're grounding Mike for lying.
And just this morning he caught me lying to my boss, so I've grounded myself.
You lied in front of the children? Yes, she has.
And look what it's done to little Ben.
Oh, I bet Jason and Carol are probably getting ready for the dinner show about now.
Eight o'clock and the perimeter's secure, Grandpa.
Mike's not sneaking out tonight.
Good job, Deputy Ben.
Carry on.
Oh, that Benny's gonna make a great cop.
If he lives that long.
Oh, I got a six-letter word.
Triple-word score, "sexual.
" Mom.
Ha-ha-ha! My tiles are all gone.
-I win.
-Ha-ha-ha.
Wow, that's six in a row, Grandma.
Well, Mike, it's time for you to go to bed.
What? It's 8:00.
You are being punished, you're not supposed to be having fun.
I'm not.
I'm hanging out with you guys.
Mike, bed.
Okay, okay, I'll go.
I want you to know, if I do spot a towering inferno I'm just gonna let those people die.
Mom, Dad, more coffee? -Yes.
-No, Ed, you know how it keeps you awake.
Well, tonight's the night to stay awake.
It's All Love Week on Channel 8.
And tonight's late movie is Love Story II.
Maggie, I thought you were grounded too.
Well, sure, but I don't wanna get carried away.
You can do what you want.
Mom.
Dad, would you explain to her how silly this is? I don't understand anything about this grounding business.
Or why you listen to one of your husband's half-baked ideas.
Or for that matter, why'd you even marry him in the first place.
Thank you, Dad.
If I were you, I'd go to bed and take my punishment like an adult.
I am an adult.
Well, you're not acting like it now, are you? Margaret Katherine.
Don't argue with your mother.
MAGGIE: That's what you think! Will this table be satisfactory, sir? Oh, this is great.
Thank you.
Ha, ha.
Are you absolutely certain this table is to your satisfaction? Are you kidding? What's not to like? We're ringside.
Because I do have a lovely table back there behind that pillar.
[JASON CHUCKLES.]
[GIGGLES.]
So, Carol, ha, ha.
What do you think of the gambling capital of the East? I think it's the most disgusting place I've ever been.
You're not having fun? Are you kidding? I love it.
-Cocktails? -Yes, shrimp.
-Shrimp? -Oh, she means crustaceans, not you.
I didn't think she did.
One shrimp cocktail, and you, sir? Uh, I'll just have a vodka gimlet on the rocks, please.
Just make it a short one.
No, no, I'm sorry.
No, nothing, nothing.
I'll have nothing.
Psychiatrist? -Yes? -Figures.
-Wow.
Sinatra live.
-Yeah.
The greatest thing about it is that his friends could show up.
We could see Dean Martin or Sammy Davis Jr.
Maybe even Joey Bishop.
Ha, ha.
Dare we dream.
["THEME FROM LOVE STORY" PLAYING ON TV.]
[LOWERS VOLUME.]
TV ANNOUNCER: Tonight, Love Week continues with Love Story II: Oliver's Story.
Last night in Love Story I, Ali McGraw died of a mysterious disease after calling Ryan O'Neal a series of insulting names.
[TV TURNS OFF.]
-Uh.
-Going somewhere? I was sleepwalking.
Oh.
Can you beat that? Look at this, Mom.
I'm fully dressed.
Ha, ha.
Michael Aaron Seaver don't you dare compound your escape from your punishment by using deception.
I didn't understand a word of that.
Sit down.
Michael, what are you thinking? Is it really that hard to do as you're told? You had a simple punishment, but can you be trusted? -No, every single time-- -Hey, hey, hey, what's this? Forget that.
That's Kleenex.
You've been watching Love Story.
I have not.
It was Love Story II.
Excuse me, but aren't you supposed to be grounded? Michael, we are discussing you.
Oh, it's okay for you to skip out on your punishment but it's not okay for me.
Michael, if you think I get some great pleasure from punishing you, you're wrong.
Oh, come on, Mom, I've seen that glimmer of excitement in your eye when you catch me doing something wrong.
I've heard that happy ring in your voice when you call me by my full name.
Michael, you don't understand what a parent goes through.
And you sure don't understand me.
No, I don't.
Not when you act like this.
And because you're confused I have to miss out on the biggest party of the year.
I thought you said last weekend's party was the biggest party of the year.
What, do you keep transcripts of our conversations now? Michael, when you're 16, every party is the biggest party of the year.
That's easy for you to say.
What do you know about being 16 and having a parent who's always right? A lot.
Have you met my father? Pleasant man.
Pleasant man.
You know, once he grounded me for no reason at all.
No.
And all I did was say "damn" at the dinner table.
You? And even though he was known to say that and a lot worse, he still grounded me.
Well, of course, he was an adult.
I mean, you wanna talk about unfair? I believe I have been.
Grounded.
Forget the fact that it was Vicki Timar's sweet 16 party.
It was a pizza party.
I mean, she was my best friend.
What was I supposed to do? I climbed out the window and went to that party anyway.
Wow.
And it was a truly great party.
Ha, ha.
-Because you got away with it.
-Yeah, and I.
I understand.
And I'm beginning to.
Come on.
-Where? -Out.
I'm in the mood for pizza.
But, Mom, we're grounded, remember? Shh! I won't tell me what I did if you don't.
This is deeply weird.
-So when does the show start? -Mm.
Carol, a superstar like Frank Sinatra never performs while they're still serving food.
Does it make him hungry, or what? JASON: Oh.
Shh.
It's show time.
Ha, ha.
[DRUMROLL PLAYING.]
MAN [ON PA.]
: Ladies and gentlemen the Jackpot Room of the Fallbrook Hotel in Atlantic City is proud to present the unique, one-of-a-kind song stylings of a living legend, Mr.
Frank Sinatra, Jr.
[JASON & CAROL CHEER.]
Junior? [BAND PLAYING "NEW YORK, NEW YORK".]
I suppose this means no Joey Bishop either.
MIKE: Shh! MAGGIE: Ha-ha-ha! [WHISPERING.]
Thanks for the pizza, Mike.
It hasn't tasted this good since I was 16.
[WHISPERING.]
Thanks for making getting grounded fun.
Michael, that wasn't the point of any of this.
Do I detect the sound of a mother in your voice? [MOCK ANGER.]
Michael Aaron Seaver.
-Yes, I do.
Shh! -Ha-ha-ha! I knew this was too good to last.
You're gonna tell yourself on me, aren't you? Nope.
Hey, you do understand me.
Yeah, I guess I do.
I don't think I like this.
Me either.
Ha-ha-ha.
Hey, I got it.
What do you say we just cancel the grounding for the weekend? No, Mike.
I thought you knew how rotten it was to be grounded.
I do, but I also remember that every time it was done to me when I was a kid there were lessons that I never forgot.
And I think it helped mold me into a mature, responsible person.
Come here.
Come on.
[POTS RATTLE THEN WHISTLE BLOWS.]
You're busted! Will you listen to this? Some French actor by the name of, uh, Yves Montand-- Oh, I love him.
Yeah, well, he's running for president of France.
Why would anybody be dumb enough to vote for an actor for president? Reagan was an actor.
Well, yeah, but not a good one.
[CAROL HUMMING.]
[JASON SINGING "NEW YORK, NEW YORK".]
Hey, hi, Ed, Kate.
Yeah.
Tell me, you lucky people, how was Atlantic City? Really vapid.
Oh, that's wonderful.
How was Frank? Well, Ed, he looks a lot younger in person.
Ringy-ding-ding, huh? The only way we could thank you is by having him autograph the menu.
Oh, Eddie.
Oh.
"Ed, I was so sorry that you missed the show.
It made my day to find out you were a fan.
" Oh.
"Your pal, Frank.
" Oh, wow.
Pal.
You know, when a big guy like this has time for a regular Joe like me, it.
[ED SIGHS.]
It kind of brings back my faith in the world.
[ED SNIFFLES.]
[JASON CHUCKLES.]