Happy Endings s02e10 Episode Script

Big news.
New rom-com opening tonight.
(All) Boo! I bet it's got some super vague title that tells nothing about the movie.
Yeah.
"That's the way it's gotta be.
" Really? Do they all have to be so stupid and predictable? No, that's the title of the movie-- "that's the way it's gotta be.
" Let me guess.
It's about someone who has to pretend to do something to win a bet.
Or somebody dates someone to prove something for some article.
(Chuckles) Or somebody who's supposed to marry someone and then leaves them at the (Chuckles) Doctor's office.
Whoa.
So, okay, I have to (Clatters) Get out of here.
(Penny) Wait, you guys.
Someone left this sweater at my apartment.
Oh, that's mine.
Oh, that's my sweater.
How it can be both of yours? How can you both wear the same size? 'Cause it's supposed to be, like, boyfriendy and slouchy.
No, it's supposed to be tight and formfitting, and my grandma Frida gave it to me on her deathbed.
(Sighs) How many times has your grandma died? 'Cause you said the same thing about half a club sandwich.
You know what this means? We're gonna have to figure out who gets the sweater.
Oh, not another dumb competition that nobody cares about.
Jane and I are not gonna do one of our stupid competitions.
It's just-- (Sneakers squeaking) No! Get back here, you gay! "You gay"?! That's the best you can think of?! Ridiculous.
Idiots.
I gotta see this.
Me, too.
Yay! (Chair rattles) Hey, guys.
(Singsongy) Wait! See ya.
Seriously? I get stuck with the check again? What is the point of having white friends? Don't worry.
You don't have to pay for my second waffle (Inhales deeply) Or my first omelet.
™ş acting (Both) No, we're not! I look better in it! I look better in it! No, you don't! Your skinny body doesn't fill it out! Your stupid, chubby body's gonna rip it! "Chubby"? You guys are so vain.
You probably think this sweater's about you.
Don't you--don't you dare make that joke.
(Gasps) I got it! Max, whoever is less vain gets the sweater.
Oh, it's on, you skinny nut job.
You're a nut job.
Oh.
Hello, David.
Hi.
Hi.
Hello! Dave, don't be rude.
(Chuckles) Introduce us to this gentleman.
Uh, this Richard.
He's my, uh, work Friend colleague Who I know from camp The war dance class.
The war.
Which war? The war on drugs, and we won.
You're welcome.
Well, it was nice to meet all of you.
Bye.
(Horns honking) (Laughs) Who was that tall drink of cashmere? A long lingerer.
He's my therapist.
Oh, thank God.
I was worried you were actually taking a dance class.
Why wouldn't you tell us you're in therapy? Because I just started seeing him, and it's actually starting to help a little bit, and I knew you guys were gonna make fun of me, so go ahead.
Have at.
No.
(Laughing) No, Dave.
We're gonna make fun of you for saying "have at.
" No.
I would never.
Therapy is great.
My therapy is my gardening.
I like to get in there and dig and just smash and smash (Clenches teeth) And just-- just smash it until David, tons of people are in therapy, okay? I've been going since I was a kid.
In fact, I still see my childhood psychologist Roz Liebowitz.
He touched me here and here, and I wanted him to touch me here, but he wouldn't.
(Whispers) Why wouldn't he? Yeah, man.
You gotta relax.
Therapy's cool.
I find it helps me become a more mature, well-rounded-- mm.
I got the sweater! Oh! Ohh! Give it to me! No.
No.
No.
No.
Aah.
Is there a nail place around here? Yeah, I think-- I think (Grunts) Maybe just around the corner.
(Door opens) Ow.
Ow.
(Sighs) I twisted my ankle twisting Max's ankle.
(Raspy voice) Ohh.
Poor baby.
You want some tea? What's wrong with your voice? (Clears throat) I strained it talking to Alex, and you know how my voice gets all weird when I get nervous.
Why were you nervous? Uh, 'cause we have nothing to talk about.
Oh.
You know, if you have to get to work, you don't have to keep me company.
Oh, no, no.
It's cool.
We never get to hang out, just the two of us, you know? It'll be nice.
(Mouth full) Yeah.
Yeah.
(Normal voice) So (Chuckles) So (Chuckles) (Both laugh) Yep.
(Laughs) (Laugh and it got even worse after that.
(High-pitched voice) Eh There's also a lot of Greens (High-pitched voice) Uh-huh.
Lime green Yeah.
Uh Kelly green.
And green can also mean "inexperienced," which, when you think about it, that's pretty cool.
(Laughs) Honey, Alex is my sister.
You guys should be close.
We are close.
We're just not, like, one-on-one close.
Well, you could be.
Call her now.
Ask her to lunch.
(Sighs) Fine.
Uh-huh.
I'll do that.
I'll call her right now.
(Imitates beeps) No phones sound like that.
Shh.
Babe, I'm on the phone.
Well, how are we gonna decide who's less vain? Throw acid in each other's faces? It's psychotic.
I like it.
What about face tattoos? Mm.
We talkin' Tyson or Kat Von d.
? I think we're talking Kat Von Tyson with a little Mike Von d.
Oh, I like it.
I can be down with that.
Okay, guys.
I've got it.
Why don't you just pick out the worst outfit you can think of for each other, and whoever wears it the longest wins? Great.
Love it.
In.
(Bell dings) Well, prepare to lose, 'cause you are gonna look like trash in this hideous piece of garbage.
(Lowered voice) Stop it.
You're gonna scare away the customers.
What customers? (Whispers) Sometimes I get scared in here.
And all my friends were really supportive Uh, sorry.
Especially penny.
She even told me she has a therapist, too.
Interesting, and do you think this is something that she would only say to you or would she say to, say a boyfriend or an on-again-off-again female lover? Well, I guess if she had a female-- wait.
Huh? Wait.
What? Anyway, you know what I think would really help you? I am so sorry.
Ohh.
We have to stop.
(Chuckles) It's unbelievable.
It just flies by.
Here's what I'd like you to think about for next week-- getting me penny's number.
I want to ask her out.
Out? Like, out on a (Sighs) I'm sorry.
What's happening here? David, I know I appear to view life from a distance in a way that may make you think I am, I don't know, godlike, but in my off-hours, I'm a flesh-and-blood man who enjoys travel, tart apples, artisanal cheeses just like you.
(Sighs) I'm sorry.
Isn't asking for my friend's number just a little bit inappropriate? Well (Chuckles) Obviously it would be wildly inappropriate if we were in a session, but out here, it's totally appropriate, you see? Appropriate.
Inappropriate.
Appropriate.
Inappropriate.
Do you understand? So this, uh (Sighs) Am I paying for this? No.
(Whispers) No.
Dude, I need your help.
All right, but it'll cost ya.
Uh, you owe me $8,000.
Dude, I'm here for you.
I'm having lunch with Alex tomorrow, and I know it's gonna be awkward, so I need you to hit me with an out-call at, like, 1:20.
No worries.
I have the best out-call in the business-- "there's a meteor that's about to hit the earth!" Not "a meteor's about to hit the earth.
" Fine.
I will, uh, think of another one.
Hey, how do you think Jane would feel about wearing high-waisted jeans? I think she'd have to be high and wasted.
Awesome! She is going to Hate this! Everything about this shirt is gonna look bad on Max.
(Chuckles) He has two of them.
He wore one to your wedding.
(Gasps) Oh.
(Indistinct conversations) (Bottle clinks) So stamps went up again.
Oh.
Unbelievable.
I get the forever ones, but who knows how long they're good for? Um (Cell phone rings) Oh.
Hello? Wait.
What? A meteor is headed for earth, just like in that movie? (Gasps) Uh-oh.
Meteor's a-comin'.
That is a tough pill to swallow.
Al, I know that was Max.
Man, I cannot believe you'd pull an out-call on me, your own brother-in-law.
(Sighs) (Cell phone rings) Let me just get-- oh.
Hello.
Oh.
Yeah, I'll tell him.
That was Max.
He wants me to tell you What? That a meteor is heading for the earth, just like in that other movie.
(High-pitched voice) What?! We gotta-- Brad.
(Sighs) Al, what are we doing getting out-calls, huh? We're like brother and sister.
(Sighs) We should be able to talk about anything.
I know.
Yeah.
(Sighs) (Clears throat) (Exhales deeply) (Pops lips) (Gasps) Are hip-hop and rap the same thing? Yes.
(Grunts in raspy voice (lowered voice) Got it.
Hey! Hey.
(Chuckles) The craziest thing happened yesterday.
So I'm coming out of my office, and I run into Rick.
Who's Rick? Your therapist.
Anyway-- but he told me to call him "Richard.
" Oh.
He told me to call him "Rick.
" The point is-- so socially he prefers "Rick Rickman"? I don't know.
Who cares? I care.
"Richard rickman" is the name of a distinguished therapist.
"Rick rickman" will sell you a used grand cherokee.
Okay, whatever.
Rick asked me out, so I guess I was just kind of wondering, you know, if that would be weird for you.
(Chuckles) Well, it wasn't weird before, but it's certainly weird now.
(Box clatters) I can't believe it.
The guy asked me for your number.
I don't get back to him right away, and he tracks you down at your office? You think he tracked me down? You know, come to think of it, he did ask me some pretty strange questions in our last session.
You've been talking a lot about your mother today, and it makes me wonder, where does Penny work, and wh-what bus line is that on? Yeah, he's stalking you.
Oh, my God.
That is so flattering.
What do you wear to a stalking? Stockings? No, that's too on-the-nose.
(Keys jangle) Max! Max, I gotta talk to you about something.
Max--oh! (Snaps) What do you think? Well Works for you, man.
(Chuckles) I know, right? I'm totally gonna nn that sweater.
What did you want to talk to me about? Oh, uh, penny's gonna go out with my shrink.
That's weird, right? Dah-veed, nothing is weird.
I've dated bailiffs, monks, jockeys.
My personal best is a butcher, a Baker, and a candlestick maker, and, yes, we were all in one tub.
Tell me it wasn't our tub.
Look, Dave, if you think it's weird that penny is dating your shrink, just tell her you don't want her to date your shrink.
(Slaps thighs) Let's go grab a beer, huh? Um, you're not really gonna go out in public like that, are you? Oh, yeah.
This is nothing compared to what I threw at Jane.
This is the biggest event we have ever attempted, but I think if we bring on three corporate sponsors, we could offset the total cost of the event.
Now I've already gone out to-- (cell phone rings) Oh.
(Chuckles) Sorry.
(Chuckles) Hello? What's-- a meteor? (Gasps) Excuse me.
(Lowered voice) Thank you for the out-call, boo.
No problem, boo.
So how was your lunch with Alex? (Door closes) Uh, it was fine.
Fine? Fine is not good enough.
Brad, it is important to me that you guys have a real relationship.
You need to work at this.
I gotta go.
"Fine"? Why didn't I just say "great," hmm? "Hey, how was lunch with Alex?" "Great!" Is that so damn hard? (Indistinct conversations) Awesome, Brad.
Okay.
Thanks.
(Chuckles) Wow.
Sounds like you two are really starting to bond.
Actually, we're not, but Jane's been harassing me and Brad about it, so we're gonna trick her into thinking that we're bonding, and it should be easy to fool her 'cause I'm super easy to fool and we're sisters.
In hindsight, I may have dodged a bullet.
We're gonna tell Jane that we had an amazing lunch, but actually we're not gonna meet at all.
So you're gonna lie to Jane and not get any closer to Brad.
It sounds like a great plan.
Well, it's better than your plan-- pretending to hang out when clearly you're waiting for penny to get home from her date.
(Laughs) That is not what I am doing.
I-I came here to get my vase.
That's mine.
Then where did I put mine? Mm.
Hi! Hey.
Hey.
What are you doing here? Nothing.
Waiting for you.
Oh, come on.
I thought you said you were cool with me dating Rick.
Yeah, one of my best friend dating the guy that knows all of my secrets.
(Chuckles) Yeah, it's totally cool! Cool.
Not cool, pen.
What if he talks to you about me? We spent four hours together.
You didn't come up once.
Really? (Lowered voice) Not even one time? He didn't (Normal voice) Never mind.
Pen, this is getting weird.
Stop dating him.
No.
No, no, no.
You know what? No.
Okay? It would be one thing if you'd asked me, but you're telling me, and if I have learned anything from roz Liebowitz and the feelings dolls, it is that I need to be less intimidated and more assertive.
I am going to date Rick rickman, whether you like it or not.
Fine.
Fine! Fine.
Date Rick rickman.
I will! Fine.
(Sighs) Seriously, am I the only one that thinks the name "Rick rickman" is insane? Well, it's a lot better than "Dick Dickman.
" Uh, no.
You--you can't-- you can't change the last name to-- forget it.
I did dodge a bullet.
Yeah.
Hey, listen, babe, I'm ducking into a meeting.
I've gotta call you back in, uh About 110 minutes.
Okay.
(Indistinct conversations) ™ş Alex? Brad.
Hey.
What are you doing here? (Gasps) You veve rom-coms.
I knew it! (Chuckles) What? Wait.
What theater is this, huh? I thought this was that "murder, death, sports, explosion" film for men with full beards and ample chest hair.
(Lowered voice) Okay, yes.
Yes.
Yes, I do.
(Mouths word) I love rom-coms, okay? (Clenches teeth) I love 'em! (Chuckles, normal voice) Last year I told Jane I was going to the Chicago comic con, but instead I went to the rom-com-con.
I was there! Katherine heigl's panel was incredible.
Ohh.
Here's the chain.
Off it.
Yes.
Wait.
Shouldn't you be at work? Yeah, but people don't really come to my store between 5:00 and 7:00 and sometimes between 10:00 and 5:00.
Hmm.
I like your store.
Thank you.
Aw.
Aw.
(Chuckles) (Chuckles) (Lowered voice) I love the previews.
(Whispers) Oh, me, too! (Gasps) (Chuckles) (Sighs) Hey, I brought my own junior mints.
I bring my own snacks, too.
(Rustling) Whoa.
Oh, yeah.
(Chuckles) (Chuckles) It's so stinky.
You know it.
(Chuckles) Seriously, that really stinks.
(Chuckle I I know.
(Chuckles) (Hums) You look like jamiroquai before labor day.
Well, you look like Carol Brady right before she was arrested for molesting Bobby.
Ohh! It's been 24 hours.
I mean, this-- this could go on forever.
(Sighs) We're too good.
We gotta stop this.
What's the one thing we can't resist looking hot for? (Hums) Hello.
Yes, I would like to report a fire.
(Mouths words) (Laughs) (Laughs) And that's how i almost accidentally married my best friend's fiance.
(Laughs) You are on fire tonight.
Oh, well, thank you.
(Chuckles) No, you're literally on fire.
(Laughing) (Laughter) (Laughing) She's so nervous.
(Laughing) Girl can't even tell she's onirire.
Oh! Thank you.
(Laughs) I'm just a little nervous.
(Chuckles) Oh, well, I could have told you that the moment you ordered the market salad.
Really? You can tell all that from my order? Oh, yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
See that guy? Seafood Risotto (Whispers) "Mommy doesn't love me.
" (Laughs) Okay.
Wait.
Let me try.
Let me try.
Okay.
See that woman eating lava cake? Touchy Uncle.
He didn't molest her.
He's just very easily offended.
Hmm.
Garlic bread-- compulsive gambler compensating for two failed marriages and a stalled career as a memoirist.
You got all that from garlic bread? Oh, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, and he's my patient, so mum's the word That puts him into a deep trance.
(Laughs) Penny? Dr.
rickman? What a surprise.
Dave? How rude of me.
Let me introduce my date.
Ahem.
Dr.
roz Liebowitz.
Penny, I came as soon as I could.
Are you all right? Yes, I am fine.
What are you doing here?! Well, you date my therapist.
I date yours.
It's the old switcheroo, plus we're super into each other, aren't we, baby? Watch it.
If herb Liebowitz had not just had a double hip replacement and wasn't afraid to drive at night, he would come into the city and kick your ass.
Okay.
What is going on here? He interrupted me mid-session, and now I have a 10-year-old patient waiting in my grand cherokee.
Fantastic car.
Aha.
David said you were having an emergency.
Does it look like I'm having an emergency? Well, your other sleeve's on fire.
Damn it! Why does this keep happening? (Fire engine horn honking, sirens wailing) You're gonna break.
(Chuckles) Not before you.
I know that you have a Chicago firemen calendar.
Oh, do ya? (Chuckles) Uh-huh.
(Chuckles) Well, I happy to know that you have a (Clatters) Secret Chicago firemen's calendar! (Gasps) You're single.
None of them will date you when they see you in that.
Well, you're married.
None of them can see your legs, and I know how much you need outside validation! (Exhales deeply and whispers) I need a lot of validation.
(Inhales deeply, normal voice) Ayay.
We each get to take off one thing.
Fine.
We do it at the same time and then-- fine.
Fine.
(Both) One, two, three.
How do I look? Way worse without that hat.
Really? Mm-hmm.
Fine.
(Sighs) Well, you look topless but your nipples fell off.
Let's take off one more thing.
One more thing.
That's all this was? You were using me to prove a point? At first, but that was before I got to know you.
(Crying) Wait! Sorry, dude.
That's the way it's gotta be.
(Belches) Ohh! Now why couldn't he just tell her the truth before, on the bridge? (Lowered voice) He couldn't.
She just bought him the train set from his childhood.
(Sighs) Nah, homie.
That don't sit right with me.
Now it's too late.
They're never gonna get together.
Don't say that.
That's why you brought me here, prove a point? Well, at first, but then something magical h-- no, that's why I brought you here.
Oh, my God.
Penny, let me handle this.
David, walk with me.
Gladly.
Feel free to start.
Don't worry.
(Chuckles) I'll just pick.
Where's the fire? Right here, boys.
Jane, I thought we agreed to say "in our pants.
" The fire is in our pants.
(Lowered voice) In our pants.
What? The fire Is in our pants.
We are done! You are the most unprofessional therapist ever, and I'll you something else, I ain't payin' for those two 20-minute phone calls.
Those were legit sessions.
You called me, crying.
Therapy's a two-way street, David.
No, it's not! Look, I think we both know who you're upset with.
No, you look, Rick Rickman.
You don't tell me who I'm upset with.
Wait a minute.
Who--who am I upset with? Yourself.
You clearly have unresolved feelings for penny, which is why you get so upset if she dates other men.
That is rich, Rick (Chuckles) Okay? No, I am upset because my friend is dating my shrink, and you think otherwise, you're crazy.
I'm crazy? (Laughs) I'm crazy? Okay.
Well, tell that to the American psychiatric association.
Actually, don't seriously tell them that because they've had their eye on me, so I'm trying to lay low.
Whoa.
That looks really intense.
I gotta get Dave outta here.
Interesting.
So you'd prefer to "leave" with your "platonic" friend rather than stay with the eligible "man" you're on a date with? Yeah, well, I wouldn't prefer it, but Dave is really upset, and why are you putting air quotes around "platonic" and "leaving" and "man"? Well, I'm just saying, you clearly have unresolved feelings for David.
What? (Chuckles) That's crazy.
Is it? I need a doggie bag.
(Smacks lips) Am I paying for this? Nicki, I don't know why I've been looking everywhere when what I wanted all along was right in front of me.
I'll rip up the whole damn article.
Just say the word.
Nick, the only word i want to say is Yes! (Chuckles) (Chuckles) ™ş (high-pitched voice) Ohh.
(Crying) It's so beautiful.
(Crying) I'm sorry I was such a jerk before.
It's totally cool with me if you want to keep dating Rick rickman.
Why do you keep using his full name? I don't know.
I can't stop! (Sig) ) Listen, I'm sorry that I went out with him even though I knew it bugged you.
No, it doesn't.
Thanks, but it's okay.
Hey, Rick says if you like pizza it means you're battling sexual dysfunction.
Everybody likes pizza.
Every single person.
(Mouth full, speaks indistinctly) Ohh.
That was the best.
I just love how Nick and Nicki didn't realize that they were meant for each other till the very end.
I know (Gasps) And how romantic was that fountain? So romantic.
Ohh.
I wish those things would happen to me.
Oh, my God.
I would die.
I would Die.
(Sighs) Ohh.
I am sorry.
These date shoes are killing me.
(Sighs) You seemed pretty freaked talking to Rick.
What did he say to you? Uh, nothing important.
How about roz? What'd she say to you? Not ch.
.
You know shrinks.
They're all cuh-ray-zee.
Yeah.
Completely bonkers.
(Chuckles) (High-pitched voice) Cuckoo.
(Chuckles) (Chuckles) (Falsetto voice) You're going in the water.
Stop.
Stop.
We're so ridiculous.
(Chuckles) (Chuckles) And, to think, all that for a stupid sweater.
I mean, clearly there's only one mature way to solve this.
(Both) Burn that bitch.
(Clatters) Mm.
(Cork pops) (Match strikes) Oh.
(Chuckles) (Laughs) I will get the fire extinguisher.
Yeah.
Oh.
(Chuckles) Here's my sweater.
(Chuckles) No, no.
I-I think that's my sweater.
I l--I left it here.
It was on my chair in my home.
Yeah, I purposely put it on that chair so that I-- that is my sweater! Give me my sweater! (Giggling)