Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law (2000) s02e10 Episode Script
Droopy Botox
1 And so you merely wanted to shrink-- Shrinking!--some wrinkles.
ls that correct? Yes.
And your doctor suggested Botox to solve the problem.
- Oh! - Yes.
Tell us, what happened? Well, l think he used too much.
Mr.
Droopy before your procedure, do you remember signing any papers? Some insurance forms, maybe.
You signed one other form one that you seem to have conveniently forgotten.
Your Honor, Exhibit 1 2C signed by the plaintiff, waiving any and all rights to seek damages should the procedure go awry.
We won? We won! Here! Cash! Lots of it! Who wants my Lexus? Thank you! Oh, and here.
A coupon book of free cosmetic surgery.
''Liposuction, liposuction, tummy tuck ''free entree with the purchase of an entree of equal or greater value.
'' Way to go, Bird--l'm sorry.
Vice President Birdman.
Vice President Birdman?! Who rollin' wit da Nut? Who is the man in the suit? Who is the cat with the beak? Do you really want to feel him? Harvey attorney Habeas corpus Marvey attorney Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law You should have seen it.
Birdman kicking that defenseless little dog around the courtroom.
That cur, that mutt, that bitch.
Actually, he's a boy dog, so technically he's not a-- Heel! Harvey, would you allow me to prostrate myself before you? He's a killer, this one-- a real stone-cold litigator.
Harvey! l'm going to get someone to come and redecorate your office.
We'd never dream of asking our brand-new vice president to work in such a dump.
- Technically-- - Sit! And, Birdman, what say you help me hand out these plastic surgery coupons? Boob job.
Boob job.
Boob job.
Nose job.
And ass job.
Rhinoplasty.
Rhinoplasty.
Hippoplasty.
Hi.
l'm here to kill--see Birdman.
- And you are? - Ah, X.
X the-- The interior decorator.
Finally.
Oh! l'm in his office.
And he's not even here.
Oh, l get to sit in his chair! The furniture shipment's here.
OK.
Yeah, yeah.
Send it on in.
- Holy-- - Do you like it? Do you like it? l don't know what to say.
ls that a Ming? lsn't it great? Try out the desk.
Ouch! Oh! Guess who just got Lasik.
Yep.
lt's amazing.
l've never seen better.
And it's all because of you, Harv--Oops! Vice President Harvey.
lt's payday.
l'll put it on your desk.
Phil, no-- Let's see here.
Over this Double back.
Toile! Hardly recognize the place.
Sharp left and back.
Nice work.
Of course you kept to budget? Pottery Barn.
Designer secret.
l won the case, got promoted, got all these vases Vases? You know, l should feel good, but something's wrong.
Sigh.
Sigh.
Sigh.
Wait a minute.
V.
P.
s don't piddle with the piffle.
- You're an executive.
- ln your pants? To the executive pissoir.
Actually, sir, l am not allowed.
They gave my spot to someone someone more deserving.
Fellas.
Señor, jefe, if you could, just one small favor.
Sure.
Before you enter, could you please expectorate on me? Just once for the honor of my family.
l'm sorry, did you say-- Expectorate.
The-- - The spitting.
- What? Do not make me beg further for this privilege.
Birdman, what's wrong with you? Don't you have any feelings? You are too kind, Mr.
Phil.
Now, Mr.
Birdman-- - l can't.
- Hey, l can.
- Now kick him! - Kick him! Kick him! l really have to They're all the same, the privileged.
All they can think of is themselves! Wow.
V.
P.
! Backrub.
Am l supposed to in this? Nothing like gold on gold.
You know, Phil, l've wanted this a long time.
- The money, the attention-- - Backrub.
Backrub? But somehow it doesn't feel right.
You know, it didn't feel right to me at first, either.
- lt didn't? - Nope.
But now l can't go wee without a little rub.
No, l mean it doesn't feel right us profiting off the misery of that poor little dog.
Oh, that.
Well, think of it this way, Birdman what could you possibly do to make his life any better? Lower.
Lower.
Higher.
- That's it! - Yes, it is.
Higher! Look out! Check your doorstep.
l'm sorry, what? Check your doorstep.
Mr.
Birdman? Oh, boy.
Golden and delicious.
Surprisies! By the way, you really should get a lock put on the windows.
Anyone can get right in.
So? What think you, Birdman? - What's that? - lt's an island.
With a built-in microwave.
Look out! Hey, Harvey, look at my new butt! l owe it all to you.
Glad you like it.
Can you believe how shallow everyone is around here? Peanut, you? Well, the doctor said Meg Ryan, and l just said, ''Go.
'' Oh! Knock, knock.
Who's there? Filthy lucre, that's who.
Put it over there.
And a calf implant just because you deserve it, Harvey! Deserve it.
Paying it forward.
Birdman, the doctor--the one you got off--got another case.
Botched bazungas on a-- lt's a weird name.
Let's see: Saffola, Polyunsatura-- Olive--Olive Oyl! We're getting more coupons! That does it! l, Harvey Birdman What's that professional- sounding word for quit? What's this? ''Total: $1,000,000.
00 ''(or the crest on Birdman's helmet.
) ''Bwah ha ha ha ha ''ha ha ha, ha ha ha.
X.
'' OK.
One million dol-- Oh.
Look out! Come on.
Come on.
Come on.
Come on.
Come on! You--you civil servant son of a-- Hi.
How you doing today? No.
No.
No.
No.
lt's here.
lt's here! lt's here! Crest.
Lovely crest.
Where are you? Oh, it's not here! l will kill him! l'll-- Huh? Wait.
Nose, forehead, eyebrow Oh, no.
He doesn't like the way l look? That's what it's been this whole time? And this is his way of telling me? Look out! Maybe, sir, you've had enough.
Pour! Honey, just put on the crest, huh? l'll snatch it, and we'll get on with our lives.
Lonely That was my name l feel a hit this time Noses on dowels! Hand me downs Lonely Oh, l'm so happy.
l'm just so happy.
Do you think Harvey will be happy? ''quit.
'' Sincerely, comma, Harvey T, period, Birdman Ow! Phil, l-- Surprise! Do l know you people? Yeah, we really owe you this time, Birdman.
We just wanted to thank you for what you've done for all of us.
Thank you, Mr.
Birdman.
Don't you people have souls? l've ruined his life! But l'm so happy.
l have lots of money now.
And Nikki and Petra here, they love my upbeat smile.
You see, Birdman? You've made everyone so happy-- even this bitch.
Uh--Aw, the heck with it.
Birdman, at last! So, what do you think? About My surgery, dammit.
Do you like it? No pressure.
UmSure.
And it's not too much? The nose, the chin.
l told him no pleats, and now looking at it l think that was the right way to - Ew.
- Damn Miracle Bras.
ls that correct? Yes.
And your doctor suggested Botox to solve the problem.
- Oh! - Yes.
Tell us, what happened? Well, l think he used too much.
Mr.
Droopy before your procedure, do you remember signing any papers? Some insurance forms, maybe.
You signed one other form one that you seem to have conveniently forgotten.
Your Honor, Exhibit 1 2C signed by the plaintiff, waiving any and all rights to seek damages should the procedure go awry.
We won? We won! Here! Cash! Lots of it! Who wants my Lexus? Thank you! Oh, and here.
A coupon book of free cosmetic surgery.
''Liposuction, liposuction, tummy tuck ''free entree with the purchase of an entree of equal or greater value.
'' Way to go, Bird--l'm sorry.
Vice President Birdman.
Vice President Birdman?! Who rollin' wit da Nut? Who is the man in the suit? Who is the cat with the beak? Do you really want to feel him? Harvey attorney Habeas corpus Marvey attorney Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law You should have seen it.
Birdman kicking that defenseless little dog around the courtroom.
That cur, that mutt, that bitch.
Actually, he's a boy dog, so technically he's not a-- Heel! Harvey, would you allow me to prostrate myself before you? He's a killer, this one-- a real stone-cold litigator.
Harvey! l'm going to get someone to come and redecorate your office.
We'd never dream of asking our brand-new vice president to work in such a dump.
- Technically-- - Sit! And, Birdman, what say you help me hand out these plastic surgery coupons? Boob job.
Boob job.
Boob job.
Nose job.
And ass job.
Rhinoplasty.
Rhinoplasty.
Hippoplasty.
Hi.
l'm here to kill--see Birdman.
- And you are? - Ah, X.
X the-- The interior decorator.
Finally.
Oh! l'm in his office.
And he's not even here.
Oh, l get to sit in his chair! The furniture shipment's here.
OK.
Yeah, yeah.
Send it on in.
- Holy-- - Do you like it? Do you like it? l don't know what to say.
ls that a Ming? lsn't it great? Try out the desk.
Ouch! Oh! Guess who just got Lasik.
Yep.
lt's amazing.
l've never seen better.
And it's all because of you, Harv--Oops! Vice President Harvey.
lt's payday.
l'll put it on your desk.
Phil, no-- Let's see here.
Over this Double back.
Toile! Hardly recognize the place.
Sharp left and back.
Nice work.
Of course you kept to budget? Pottery Barn.
Designer secret.
l won the case, got promoted, got all these vases Vases? You know, l should feel good, but something's wrong.
Sigh.
Sigh.
Sigh.
Wait a minute.
V.
P.
s don't piddle with the piffle.
- You're an executive.
- ln your pants? To the executive pissoir.
Actually, sir, l am not allowed.
They gave my spot to someone someone more deserving.
Fellas.
Señor, jefe, if you could, just one small favor.
Sure.
Before you enter, could you please expectorate on me? Just once for the honor of my family.
l'm sorry, did you say-- Expectorate.
The-- - The spitting.
- What? Do not make me beg further for this privilege.
Birdman, what's wrong with you? Don't you have any feelings? You are too kind, Mr.
Phil.
Now, Mr.
Birdman-- - l can't.
- Hey, l can.
- Now kick him! - Kick him! Kick him! l really have to They're all the same, the privileged.
All they can think of is themselves! Wow.
V.
P.
! Backrub.
Am l supposed to in this? Nothing like gold on gold.
You know, Phil, l've wanted this a long time.
- The money, the attention-- - Backrub.
Backrub? But somehow it doesn't feel right.
You know, it didn't feel right to me at first, either.
- lt didn't? - Nope.
But now l can't go wee without a little rub.
No, l mean it doesn't feel right us profiting off the misery of that poor little dog.
Oh, that.
Well, think of it this way, Birdman what could you possibly do to make his life any better? Lower.
Lower.
Higher.
- That's it! - Yes, it is.
Higher! Look out! Check your doorstep.
l'm sorry, what? Check your doorstep.
Mr.
Birdman? Oh, boy.
Golden and delicious.
Surprisies! By the way, you really should get a lock put on the windows.
Anyone can get right in.
So? What think you, Birdman? - What's that? - lt's an island.
With a built-in microwave.
Look out! Hey, Harvey, look at my new butt! l owe it all to you.
Glad you like it.
Can you believe how shallow everyone is around here? Peanut, you? Well, the doctor said Meg Ryan, and l just said, ''Go.
'' Oh! Knock, knock.
Who's there? Filthy lucre, that's who.
Put it over there.
And a calf implant just because you deserve it, Harvey! Deserve it.
Paying it forward.
Birdman, the doctor--the one you got off--got another case.
Botched bazungas on a-- lt's a weird name.
Let's see: Saffola, Polyunsatura-- Olive--Olive Oyl! We're getting more coupons! That does it! l, Harvey Birdman What's that professional- sounding word for quit? What's this? ''Total: $1,000,000.
00 ''(or the crest on Birdman's helmet.
) ''Bwah ha ha ha ha ''ha ha ha, ha ha ha.
X.
'' OK.
One million dol-- Oh.
Look out! Come on.
Come on.
Come on.
Come on.
Come on! You--you civil servant son of a-- Hi.
How you doing today? No.
No.
No.
No.
lt's here.
lt's here! lt's here! Crest.
Lovely crest.
Where are you? Oh, it's not here! l will kill him! l'll-- Huh? Wait.
Nose, forehead, eyebrow Oh, no.
He doesn't like the way l look? That's what it's been this whole time? And this is his way of telling me? Look out! Maybe, sir, you've had enough.
Pour! Honey, just put on the crest, huh? l'll snatch it, and we'll get on with our lives.
Lonely That was my name l feel a hit this time Noses on dowels! Hand me downs Lonely Oh, l'm so happy.
l'm just so happy.
Do you think Harvey will be happy? ''quit.
'' Sincerely, comma, Harvey T, period, Birdman Ow! Phil, l-- Surprise! Do l know you people? Yeah, we really owe you this time, Birdman.
We just wanted to thank you for what you've done for all of us.
Thank you, Mr.
Birdman.
Don't you people have souls? l've ruined his life! But l'm so happy.
l have lots of money now.
And Nikki and Petra here, they love my upbeat smile.
You see, Birdman? You've made everyone so happy-- even this bitch.
Uh--Aw, the heck with it.
Birdman, at last! So, what do you think? About My surgery, dammit.
Do you like it? No pressure.
UmSure.
And it's not too much? The nose, the chin.
l told him no pleats, and now looking at it l think that was the right way to - Ew.
- Damn Miracle Bras.