Hey Arnold! (1996) s02e10 Episode Script

1
MAN: Here we go.
HELGA: Arnold.
(YOWLING)
(BARKING)
Hey, Arnold!
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
(CRASHING)
(SCREAMS)
Hey, Arnold!
Arnold.
Arnold.
(SIREN WAILING)
Arnold.
Arnold.
Move it, football head!
ALL: Hey, Arnold!
ARNOLD: Okay. Let's run
the Statue of Liberty-
double-reverse-flea-flicker-
razzle-dazzle-fumble-rewski.
Ready?
KIDS: Ready!
Heads up, gang.
Here comes another one
of Arnold's loopy plays.
Forty-two, thirty-three,
hut, hut, hut!
(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)
Nice try, tall-hair.
(SIGHS) Just give me
the ball, Wolfgang.
This is our field, amateur.
So clear out and let
the fifth graders play.
Hey, come on. We've got
as much right to play here
as you guys.
Yeah!
Hey, I've got an idea.
If you wanna play so bad,
why don't you play us?
Play you guys in football?
Yeah. Saturday. Right here.
I have a great idea.
How about a game of chess?
We'll have a tournament
Football!
Football! Here!
Saturday.
We'll be here Saturday.
KIDS: (GASPS) We will?
Yeah. And we'll beat 'em, too.
You punks are gonna beat us?
Now you've got me all nervous.
(CHUCKLES)
So, next Saturday then.
Two o'clock. Right here.
Let's go, Edmund.
(EDMUND GROANS)
Nice head structure.
Good one, Wolfgang.
We're gonna beat them?
Sorry. I got carried away.
Nice going, head boy.
Now we're all gonna
get carried away
on stretchers.
They're fifth graders!
They're older,
bigger, more brutal.
Size isn't everything, Helga.
Maybe we're smarter.
Smarter? Being smarter
doesn't have
anything to do with football.
Well, we've got till Saturday.
Let's practice together
and see what we come up with.
ARNOLD: We kick off,
then hand it to Stinky,
then hook back
to the fence, got it?
Okay. Let's run
the double switcheroo
one more time.
Again?
I know we can get it.
(KIDS GROAN)
(BLOWS WHISTLE)
HELGA: That's
way too complicated!
The only way to beat
the fifth-graders is
to beat 'em at their own game.
So we're gonna have
to start bulking up.
What are these?
Power protein drinks.
I want you all to drink
ten of these a day,
every day, until the game.
Okay. Let's move
everybody on the line!
All right, it's simple.
Sid gets the ball. Harold,
you push your bulky frame
in front of us,
and we'll all follow.
But Helga
But nothing!
Let's go!
You're playing center!
Down, set, hike!
(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)
(KIDS GRUNTING AND GROANING)
(BLOWS WHISTLE)
(KIDS GROANING)
That was pathetic!
And we're gonna
do it again and again.
Hey, Helga, who died
and made you quarterback?
I had some pretty good plays
going until you messed it up.
Forget it!
We don't have time
to work your stupid plays.
(HAROLD GROANS)
If we try them against
the fifth-graders,
they'd send us home
in a gum wrapper.
I'm in charge here.
I'm calling the plays.
Anybody got
a problem with that?
(KIDS GROANING)
Okay. Time for business.
Let's run some drills!
(BLOWS WHISTLE)
(PANTING, GROANS)
(BLOWS WHISTLE)
(GRUNTS)
(BLOWS WHISTLE)
HELGA: Drink!
Drink! Drink!
Ninety-seven.
(KIDS STRAINING)
Ninety-eight.
(KIDS STRAINING)
Ninety-nine.
(KIDS STRAINING)
(GROANING)
Come on! Now get up!
Walk it off! Let's go!
(BELCHES)
We're gonna practice everyday
until I start seeing
some improvement.
And let's start
thinking positively.
Think like winners, you bunch
of losers. Any questions?
(HAROLD VOMITS)
(GROANS) I just
threw up my protein drink.
(VOMITS)
I'm so exhausted
I can hardly think.
GERALD: This is
all your fault, Arnold.
You should have never
challenged Wolfgang
in the first place.
We're gonna get killed.
Oh, come on, Gerald.
KID: Go long!
I think we're
getting pretty good.
Hey, look over yonder.
(KIDS LAUGHING)
(LAUGHS)
Yeah, touchdown!
You fourth-graders
are dead meat.
(TIRES SCREECH)
We're dead, man.
(SCHOOL BELL RINGING)
Okay, here you go.
More power protein drinks.
Bottoms up.
WOLFGANG: Well, well, well.
It's the little victims
eating their last meal
before we crush 'em.
SID: Uh, Mr. Wolfgang,
Sir, please don't make us
play against you on Saturday.
Oh, trying
to chicken out, huh?
No, we're not.
Actually, I have
a dentist appointment
on Saturday.
I have to get
some stitches removed.
I gotta get my hair waxed.
And I have to feed my dog.
Harold, you don't
even have a dog!
Okay, okay!
Then I'm just scared and cold
and sorta nauseous. (WAILS)
Here's the deal.
You're gonna show up
on Saturday. All of you.
You're gonna play football,
you're gonna lose,
and you're gonna like it.
Got it?
We'll show up,
but we're not gonna lose.
We're gonna beat you.
Fair and square.
Wow.
Inspirational.
(EDMUND CHUCKLES)
See you punks
on the gridiron.
EDMUND: What's a gridiron?
WOLFGANG: Shut up.
Arnold, "we're gonna
beat you fair and square"?
What are you doing
to us, man?
I can't believe
you clods tried
to wimp out like that.
But Helga, it's gonna take
an all-fired miracle
for us to win against
them fifth grade juggernauts.
Stinky's right.
Where are we gonna
get a miracle?
Arnold, are you thinking
what I'm thinking?
ARNOLD AND GERALD: Torvald!
(STOMPING)
Hey, who's that guy?
Wolfgang, meet Torvald.
He's not a fourth-grader.
Yes, he is. He's been
held back three years.
Come on, that's not fair!
Look, Wolfgang.
It's a fourth-graders against
fifth-graders game, right?
Torvald is officially
a fourth-grader.
Here's our class picture
to prove it.
Okay. But one kid isn't
going to make any difference.
We're still gonna cream ya.
We'll see.
Okay. Our strategy is
every play, we give
the ball to Torvald.
Uh, right.
Ready!
KIDS: Break!
Down, set, hut!
(GRUNTING)
(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)
Ow!
My ankle!
(GASPS)
Go fourth-graders,
yeah! Ow!
Okay. Time for a new strategy.
Harold takes the ball
up the middle. Ready?
KIDS: Break!
Twenty-eight, sixty-four, hut!
I got it.
(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)
(KIDS GRUNTING)
EUGENE: Ow.
Hey, this is touch football.
Oops, I guess we forgot.
Hike!
(SID YELPS)
(GRUNTS)
HELGA: Hike!
Ow!
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
Excuse me, at half time,
it's fifth-graders 42,
fourth-graders zero.
(KIDS GROANING)
Man, I think
we need a new plan.
I have a plan, I quit.
I already ruined
my Caprini sweats.
Helga, we've got
nothing left to lose.
Why don't we try
some of my plays?
Oh, no.
Not your loopy
football-headed plays,
Arnold.
Helga, I believe
that Arnold may be right.
The odds of overpowering
the opposition are very long.
But the odds of outsmarting
them are quite good.
Yeah. So what's your point?
Perhaps we should let Arnold
be quarterback for a while.
Phoebe, have you lost
your mind?
Look, if we don't run
Arnold's plays, then I quit.
PHOEBE: Yeah, me too.
KIDS: Yeah.
STINKY: I've had
enough of this.
Come on,
just try it, Helga.
Okay. Fine, you bunch
of chuckleheads.
Go ahead and run
Arnold's loopy plays.
Okay, listen up.
ARNOLD: Ready?
KIDS: Break!
Forty-two. Hut!
(GRUNTING)
(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)
(FOURTH GRADERS CHEERING)
(GROWLING)
Hut!
(CHEERING)
ARNOLD: Hut, hut, hut!
(GROWLING)
Hut, hut!
ARNOLD: Hut!
(GRUNTS)
Excuse me,
the score is 42 to 42.
This is wonderful.
Everything is going our way.
Nothing can stop us.
Plus, it's a lovely fall day.
(THUNDER BREAKS)
Hey, it's starting to rain.
You guys wanna call it a tie?
We are not calling it a tie!
We do not tie
with fourth-graders.
We are fifth-graders,
and we are gonna kick
some fourth-grade behind!
All right,
next touchdown wins.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
Okay. It's only rain,
and they're only
fifth-graders,
and we have the plays
and the smarts on our side.
Let's show these guys how
to play the game of football.
(FOURTH-GRADERS AGREEING)
Let's do
the Statue of Liberty-
double-reverse-flea-flicker-
razzle-dazzle-fumble-rewski.
Gerald scores
in the left corner. Ready?
FOURTH-GRADERS: Break!
(THUNDER BREAKS)
Oh, my love.
Such bravery in the face
of overwhelming odds.
Such pluck. Such complicated,
impossible, loopy ideas.
(SIGHS)
(BRAINY BREATHING NOISILY)
(GROANS)
Heads up, you guys.
Forty-two, thirty-three,
hut, hut, hut!
(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)
(SHRIEKS)
(FOURTH-GRADERS CHEERING)
Can't you block?
Yeah, I can block.
I thought
you could play football.
EDMUND: It was
too muddy out there.
WOLFGANG: Yeah, right.
EDMUND: I didn't
see you trying.
WOLFGANG: Hey,
I did better than you!
EDMUND: Wanna bet?
WOLFGANG: Yeah.
(ALARM RINGING)
(ALARM RINGING)
(CLOCK TICKING)
(YAWNING)
Jamie O! I have to go!
JAMIE O: Sorry, snot.
I got a meet today.
I gotta buff
the bod. (CHUCKLES)
That's not fair. This is
our bathroom. And if you
don't open the door, I'll
What are you gonna do, squirt?
You want a piece of this?
(BONES CRACKING)
(GERALD GROANING)
Bathroom's all yours, dork.
Thanks for the warm-up.
(CHUCKLES)
Timberly, what are you doing?
That's my cassette!
I tied the books
so they won't get lost. See?
I found this shiny ribbon.
Mom!
And Jamie O hammered me
this morning on my way
to the bathroom!
That's great, honey.
I need to drop Timberly off
for her playdate.
Don't forget
laundry night tonight.
Collect all your dirty clothes
and sort them for the bin.
(WHINING) But Mom
Bye, baby.
Gerald, I need to talk
to you about how often
you play your stereo.
Now look
at this electric bill.
Now in order
to conserve energy,
I'm allowing you to play
two songs a day.
And don't forget,
you need to fully digest
those stewed prunes.
And last week, he made
me clean up the garage
while Jamie O just sits there
lifting weights.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Yeah, that's it.
A little higher.
No, a little lower.
And perfect.
Arnold, I feel
like a prisoner
in my own home.
Time to reel it in, boys.
Fishing with Felix Fortenflem
starts in five minutes.
Sounds like you woke up
on the wrong side of the bed
this morning.
(SIGHS) Man,
if I had my own place,
things would be so different.
GERALD: Every day,
the doorman would greet me.
Good afternoon, Mr. Johanssen.
Nice weather we're having.
GERALD: I would
have a maid and a butler,
and a personal chef.
I would eat
only my favorite foods.
And I'd never have
to pick up after myself.
(SNIFFS)
(ROARING)
(BELL RINGING)
Yes. I would
definitely live the good life.
Aw, you do have
a good life, Gerald.
You just have to share it
with four other people.
(SIGHS)
MRS. JOHANSSEN:
Gerald, don't you have
something better to do
than just lay
around the house?
MARTIN: Now look
at this electric bill.
To conserve energy
JAMIE O: What are you
gonna do, squirt?
TIMBERLY: Look, Gerald,
I colored in
your gegography book.
MRS. JOHANSSEN:
And don't forget
laundry night tonight.
High-fiber oatmeal
and prunes.
ARNOLD: You have a good life.
You just have to share it
with four other people.
Hey, Gerald.
I'd like to speak
to the landlord, please.
Huh?
So, you're interested
in renting a room?
That's correct, Grandpa.
Uh, I mean, sir.
My, um, current residence
where I'm living now
is, uh, too small.
There's just no place for me.
Is that so?
How much for a room?
Hmm. Uh, excuse me a minute.
(WHIRRING)
Hello, Mrs. Johanssen,
(CLEARS THROAT)
this is Arnold's grandpa.
Your son Gerald is here
and he wants to rent a room.
My son? Renting a room?
(CHUCKLES) I'm sorry,
but I don't understand
Neither do I,
but then there's lots
of things in this world
I don't understand.
Like liquid soap
for example. But you know,
maybe this isn't
such a bad idea.
Gerald seems to have
some kind of problem
he needs to work through
and who knows.
Mmm-hmm.
Maybe we'll all learn
a warm-hearted,
sentimental lesson
out of this crazy turn
of events.
(POLICE SIREN WAILING)
That's right.
Yes, exactly. Bye bye.
Now, it seems we do have
a small room available,
and seeing as how you're
Shortman's best friend,
how about a rental fee
of, oh, say, uh
a quarter a day?
I'll take it.
Arnold will
help you get settled.
(CHUCKLES) I'm
such a wily old coot.
No nine-year old rents
a room in a boarding house!
Where's my coat?
Martin, come on, relax.
Maybe we need
to give Gerald,
you know, a day or so.
I'm sure he'll come around.
Oh, he'll come around.
Because I'm gonna
go over there
and bring him around!
Martin, give him some time.
Where's Gerald?
Your brother just
rented a room
in Arnold's boarding house.
Cool. We can turn
his room into a weight room!
We're not turning
any room into anything.
Look, we'll go
over there in a day or two
and see how he's doing.
You know what,
I bet, right now,
he's already thinking
he wants to go home.
I never wanna go home!
My own place.
This is gonna be
the greatest day of my life.
I'm glad you're happy, Gerald,
but don't you think
you'll miss your family?
Hah! Miss my little sister
ruining everything I own?
Miss my maniac brother
and his sneak
wrestling attacks?
No way!
The only thing I missed
was not thinking
about this sooner.
Plus, I love
this cool little bed.
GERALD: Uh, Arnold?
I need some help.
(LAUGHING)
(WHISTLING)
Hey, Arnold. Where do
I drop off my laundry?
Um, the laundry
room's downstairs.
(GERALD CONTINUES WHISTLING)
The rule says all tenants must
clean out the lint filter.
And I'm telling you
that filter was
clean as a whistle
when I was through.
Then why did I find
all of this?
It's lint. Your lint!
If I drop my laundry off now,
how soon will I get it back?
Uh, that depends.
Depends on what?
How long
it takes you to do it!
You mean, I have
to do my own laundry?
Yes. All the tenants must
do their own laundry.
And they must
follow the rules.
(SIGHS)
(YAWNING)
(CATS YOWLING)
(LOUD CLATTER)
(TIRES SCREECHING)
(CRASHING)
(HORNS BLARING)
(DOG BARKING IN DISTANCE)
GRANDPA: Oh, my darlin'
Oh, my darlin'
(SHOWER WATER RUNNING)
Oh my darlin'
Clementine
(YAWNS)
Good morning.
The tickets are back there.
Tickets? For what?
New boarders need
to take a number.
(GRANDPA PHIL
CONTINUES SINGING)
(CATS YOWLING)
Go away! Meow someone else!
Gerald, who are
you talking to?
Nothing. Nobody.
Is something wrong, Gerald?
Why would anything be wrong?
I have my own place.
I can do anything I want.
Everything's great.
You wanna go home, don't you?
I'm sorry, Arnold,
but this new lifestyle,
it's not what
I thought it'd be.
I need a ticket
to use the bathroom.
I can't eat
your grandma's cooking,
no offense.
I even have to do
my own laundry.
Look at me.
I look like an extra
in a hippie movie!
Why don't you just go home?
(SIGHS) I made such a big deal
out of moving out,
I can't just go crawling back.
Unless they asked me
to come home.
Now, when we see
Gerald, remember,
do not ask him
to come home.
EVERYONE: Right.
MRS. JOHANSSEN:
Jamie O, no half-nelsons.
Timberly, you keep
your hands to yourself.
(KNOCKING AT DOOR)
Gerald! Hi, honey.
Mommy, hi!
I mean uh, what a surprise.
We just thought
we'd stop by for a minute.
I promised mommy
I wouldn't touch anything.
Ooh, what's this? (CRASHING)
This light doesn't
need to be on.
It's a waste of ele
I mean, this light doesn't
need to be on this table.
But then again,
it's your room,
son, and it's
Sure is a nice room.
Very, um, well lit.
GERALD: Yeah,
I decorated it myself.
Don't you miss
being home, Gerald?
No, I
I don't miss it, really.
I I mean, I got
this great room
all to myself,
and peace and quiet.
After living on my own,
it'll be really tough
to go back home
to that old life.
I know it's probably
not the same for you guys
without me around.
You probably wish
I'd come back home and
well, you know,
come back home.
The important thing is
that you're happy, Gerald.
Well, we should go.
We don't wanna take up
too much of your time, son.
You take care.
Bye bye, Gerald.
Mommy, can I put my ties
in Gerald's room?
JAMIE O: Not if
my weights go in first.
MARTIN: You two settle down.
If there's anything you need,
you know we're just
a few blocks away.
Bye bye, sweetheart.
Yeah. Bye, Mom.
And when they had
their perfect opportunity
to invite me back,
they didn't!
You're the one
that wanted to move out.
You wanted your family
to give you a little respect,
and privacy, and independence.
I guess you got
what you wanted.
(KNOCKING AT DOOR)
Young man, I have
a problem with you.
This lint your lint!
You're not
following the rules!
I'm sorry, Mr. Hyunh.
I'll remember next time.
You better. I can't
clean up after you.
I'm not your mother!
(SIGHS) I need to take a walk.
I not his mother.
(CHUCKLES)
I'm such a wily old coot.
(DOG BARKING)
(INAUDIBLE)
Hi, Gerald.
(GRUMBLES)
I'm a bust you up.
What's going on?
I can't live by myself
in a boarding house.
I'm only nine years old!
Who knows what could
have happened to me?
Don't you even care?
Oh, Gerald, we will
always care about you.
We just didn't want
to make you come home.
You decided to go on your own,
and we hoped you'd decide
to come home on your own.
Okay. I've decided
I wanna come home.
Gerald, you are home.
(MUSIC PLAYING)