How I Met Your Father (2022) s02e10 Episode Script
I'm His Swish
1
Upbeat theme playing ♪
Ba-ba-ba-ba, ba-ba-ba-ba ♪
Ba-ba, da-da-da-da-da-da da-da-da ♪
Oh, son, when you're young,
it's easy to think that older people
have all the answers.
But then you date one,
and you realize
we're all just flying blind.
SOPHIE'S SON [on phone]:
Yeah, I actually dated a senior
for a few months last semester,
so I-I know what you mean, you know?
Sweetie. I'm kind of
in the middle of a story here.
[laughs] Your generation just loves
to talk about themselves.
Anyway, um,
I had been dating Robert
for a few weeks,
and it was putting
a real spring in my step.
♪
Guys! I just saw a pigeon
on a romantic stroll
with a rat.
Well, well, well, if it isn't
our long-lost lovestruck Sophie.
You've been off in Robert-land forever.
The apartment's a wreck,
and Cowgirl Cleanup
is a two-woman job.
Hoedown music ♪
Whoa, Nelly!
This bronco's got buck!
We promised each other that
we wouldn't talk about Cowgirl Cleanup
until the trademark clears.
Okay. Yeah. I know I've been gone a lot,
but it's just that Robert keeps
planning all of these amazing dates.
I have not set an alarm in years.
My body just naturally wakes up at 6 AM.
[scoffs] You're amazing.
This is my tomato bisque. [laughs]
♪
Holy shit!
[gasps] [fizzling]
Whoa!
And then, we go back to his apartment,
which overlooks Central Park,
and we do it until the sun comes up.
I got a question.
When you're "doing it,"
do you ever accidentally activate
his Life Alert necklace?
[laughter]
- Ha. 'Cause he's older. Very funny.
- JESSE: Yes.
Does he sleep in one of those
floor-length grandpa nightgowns?
Yeah, with one of
those long pointy hats?
And he's all like,
"honk-shoo, honk-shoo, mimimimimi!"
[laughter]
Ignore them, Soph. I think it's great.
It actually got me to widen
the age range on my dating apps,
and I met someone.
Wait, you're dating a new guy?
Well, how do I not know this?
Well [sighs] I'm late to meet him.
I'll fill you in later.
We can do Cowgirl Confessions.
[loud whisper]: Save it for the Sharks!
Guys, Robert is going
to be here any minute, okay?
So, no more old man jokes.
Of course not. We want him to feel
totally comfortable here.
That's why Sid put prune juice on tap.
[laughter]
What are we laughing at?
We're just razzing our friend
'cause she's dating an old guy.
JESSE: Yeah.
- I believe that's me.
- Oh, what?
But, you're beautiful.
Uh, Robert, meet my friends.
Friends, this is Robert.
Zamn, Zaddy! Your skin is golden.
It's like the flesh of a sun-dappled
peach on a late summer's evening.
- May I?
- Sure.
Oh, my God. How do you get it
to stay so supple? It's so
Okay, we don't need another lawsuit.
SOPHIE: Yeah.
Introductions are over.
Ah, your friends are nice.
Little handsy, but nice.
Uh, yeah, th-that's them in a nutshell.
Hey, you know what?
I was thinking
tonight, I would take you out.
And by "out,"
I mean, in to my apartment,
where it's cozy. And cheap.
A night in at your place sounds great.
Yeah.
You okay?
I just kind of thought
he'd be, like, some old novelty
she'd be into for a while,
and then get tired of, you know?
Like those two weeks
she tried being a top hat person.
You're sure it's not giving Lincoln?
Only in that it's blowing my brains out.
I'm sorry.
Maybe his organs are in worse shape
than his outer body,
and he won't live much longer.
Probably not, though.
He glows from within.
Hey!
Class of '88. Me, too.
Huh?!
I'm sorry.
What, you two are the same age?
Looks like it.
Does not!
Sid, promise me that in 25 years,
we're gonna look like him,
and not like him.
- Sorry, no offense.
- Huh?!
Dude, of course, we're gonna age
like Robert. Look at us.
No, you're right.
And that one gray hair,
nothing to worry about.
Exactly, dude. I barely even see it.
- What, me?
- Yeah.
No, I meant your gray hair.
I don't have any gray hair.
Neither do I.
No, no!
[knock at door]
What's up, sad boy?
Figured you could use a hang.
Plus, Rachel's still in Florida
taking care of her aunt.
I'm lonely, I'm bored,
- and I miss my bae's touch!
- Okay.
Not loving your touch right now,
but, uh, okay, fine.
Yeah, I guess I could use the company.
I'll go order us a pizza.
[sighs] Can Robert do that?
Probably just make it,
since he's a super-talented chef.
I mean, I hate that old dirtbag!
[phone ringing] Ooh.
Oh!
- Hey, babe. How's Boca?
- RACHEL [on phone]: Don't know.
I flew home early.
My aunt's Florida friends were all,
"Don't say gay." And I was like,
"You know what? I'm gonna say it.
Gay! Bye!"
[sighs] Come over.
I haven't seen you in weeks,
and there's some things
we couldn't do on FaceTime.
I'm dying to do those things,
but I promised Jesse we'd hang.
Maybe I can bail?
Yeah, hi.
Yeah, I'll get a sausage pie, please.
Oh, a-and make it a large
'cause I'm hangin' with my sister.
[Jesse laughs]
I can't bail.
You're so lucky your
brother's in prison.
Oh, man. We are aging
so much faster than I thought!
Oh, you're right.
We look like
Grace and Frankie's grandfathers.
The lighting in here is not helping!
Siddhartha, do not blame the lighting!
Two paths diverging into the woods.
One leads to gorgeous Robert,
and the other leads to that
cranky old man at the bar
whose head looks like a scrotum.
Dude, you're right.
We gotta start taking
better care of ourselves right now.
That's how you get to be a Robert.
Just need to be calm about this.
Don't need to do anything drastic.
Oh, absolutely. Calm. Non-drastic.
We will do anything
to look young forever!
[sighs]
Wowza. I am romantic as butt.
[laughter] Hey, Val!
Hey!
Wait, did you sign up for
Big Brother, Big Sister without me?
What? This is the guy
I told you about. Swish.
Swish?
Sup?
We got kicked out of his dorm
for hustling a game of flip cup,
and Swish lost his fake ID,
so he can't go to bars.
Your guys' place is sick!
- My girl is hella aspirational.
- Aw
Um, Val? Can I talk to you
in the kitchen for a minute?
VAL: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. SWISH: Mm-hmm.
How old is he?
NYU, Class of '26, bay-bee!
[bro voice]: Two-six!
[sighs]
Okay, I am super happy for you,
but you guys can't stay here
'cause Robert's gonna
be here any minute,
and I have this whole night planned.
Soph, you've barely been home for weeks,
and now, you're trying to kick me out?
Please!
- I'm trying to have a date.
- Me, too.
Y'all have your own bedrooms?! Damn!
Okay, but yours is ridiculous.
You and Robert are no less ridiculous
than me and Swish.
And we're not going anywhere,
so I guess the four of us
will just have to share
the apartment tonight.
[knock at door]
- Fine.
- Fine.
Sup, sir? I'm Swish.
Whoa, pink wine?
♪
This is our cryotherapy chamber.
The subzero nitrogen
helps detoxify the body
while also reducing oxidative stress.
You know, I am so glad
scientists gave up on climate change
and started focusing on
making us look hot.
[deep sigh]
Some people find it helpful
to sing a song
to keep your mind off the pain.
Sorry, the what now? [gas hissing]
- Ah! Ah! Oh, my God! Cold! Cold!
- Ah! Ow! Ow!
Try singing!
Uh, la la la!
[wailing]: La la la!
- Are you singing or crying?
- Both!
[both screaming, singing]
house music blasting ♪
[muffled]: Would you like more salad?
[muffled]: No, I never went to college.
No, salad!
Yeah.
- Uh, so I was thinking
- What?
I was Oh, my God.
Val!
[screams]: Val!
Music stops ♪
Hey. Why don't you join us?
We have plenty of food.
You must have worked up
an appetite with all that jumping.
Fire! I'd love to throw a fork in that.
Ah, yes. That is a fire idea, Robert.
See? My guy's mature
and deals with problems.
Yeah. Back problems.
[shivers] Where's the mirror?
I want to see how good we look.
Oh, you won't see results
after just one treatment.
Most of our clients
like to come in twice a week.
Uh, we're looking for something
we'd only have to do, like,
twice a year.
Of course.
Well, whatever she has in mind,
it can't possibly hurt
as much as that just did.
How do we feel about needles?
Depends on where
you're gonna stick it, Kirstin.
♪
Sorry that took so long.
Ellen?
[muffled giggling]
[screaming] Oh, my God!
ELLEN:
Oh, my God! Get out, get out, get out!
[thud]
I'm so, so sorry!
Rachel came home early,
and I didn't wanna ditch you,
so I asked her over here.
And then you were gone so long.
And then one thing led to another.
And then I just need you to know
that it was not my boob!
- What?!
- I think you saw a boob back there,
a-and it's important to me that you know
that was your sister's girlfriend's boob
and not your sister's boob!
Why would you use my bed?
- [panting]
- At least somebody's using it.
- What is that supposed to mean?!
- ELLEN: Nothing!
I-I might have told her that you haven't
slept with anyone since Meredith.
What? For all you know,
I could've slept with dozens of women
since Meredith!
No, Sid hasn't texted me.
You and Sid text about my sex life.
Not lately. [laughs]
How did this happen?!
How did I become the guy
who has so little sex
that people text about it?!
I mean, I'm cool!
I play the guitar!
I collect vintage T-shirts!
Yes, 'cause you have a lot of
extra time from not having sex.
Really glad we're finally getting to
spend some time together, Rachel.
Jesse, yes, you're cool.
But, you're also a softie
who's hung up on a hottie
who's into an oldie.
And I hate to say it, bro,
but you need to move on.
Or, at the very least,
take back the bed.
You're right.
I need to take back the bed.
I'm gonna go out right now
and find a woman to have sex with.
In a very respectful way
where she also mutually
wants to have sex with me.
- Totally! Get back out there.
- Oh, yes!
Leave now! We'll watch the place.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
You're coming with me, okay?
Nothing is creepier
than a single straight white guy
sitting alone at a bar,
trying to pick up women.
[sighs] Fine. Great.
I can't get laid
until my brother gets laid.
Love it. Very Mormon.
♪
So, Swish?
What'd you learn at school today?
Um, we've been studying
really old films.
Uh, specifically from the late '90s.
My thesis is on the Scream franchise.
Ooh! I catered the New York premiere.
David Arquette loved my hummus.
Mad respect, sir.
Is it true landlines
were invented for that movie?
Oh, Robert.
[laughs] You do not have
to help Swish with his homework.
Oh, I don't know.
I think it might be nice for Swish
to learn from his elders.
Isn't that what he's doing with you?
Besides, Robert and I have important
grown-up things to talk about.
You know what? Nothing makes
you sound more like a dumb baby
than when you call something "grown-up."
Oh, you should know a thing or two about
dumb babies 'cause you're dating one.
We should just stay quiet, right?
You're very smart for your age.
♪
This is our top-of-the-line
age simulator.
I can show you exactly how you'll look
in 25 years if you do nothing.
[gasps] Oh, my face.
Oh, my beautiful face!
Well, good luck to you, buddy.
I guess some of us are just blessed
with good genes.
You know what they say.
"South Asian don't raisin."
Oops. I-I forgot to hit play
on your simulation.
I'm a raisin! I'm a raisin!
Shoot us up with everything you've got.
♪
Jesse, I promise
you don't say "hello" weird.
Just go talk to that cute girl.
Are you sure?
It feels like it's coming out weird.
Hello. Hallo. Hallo?
- Just go with hi!
- Hi!
- Hi! Hi!
- Hi! Hi. [laughs]
♪
Wait, wait. C-can you do the sound
of the dial-up modem again?
The modem goes like this.
[imitates dial-up modem]
beatboxing along ♪
harmonizing ♪
Anyone need more wine? I need wine.
Hey, actually, I'm going to, uh,
use the facility and get going.
No. No no, don't get going.
Valentina, can I talk to you
in the kitchen for a minute?
[quietly]:
You guys are driving Robert out of here,
and I know you're not
really that into Swish.
You're wrong. I like Swish.
I really like Swish. [scoffs]
In fact, I think I love Swish.
If you swear to me
that you're serious about Swish,
then I'll drop it and be happy for you.
[scoffs] Fine.
I'm not serious about Swish.
I was just mad that you made fun
of my relationship,
and then tried to kick me
out of our apartment.
Okay.
And that was lame of me, alright?
But, I-I was just nervous
about hosting Robert.
We never have grown-ups here
that aren't our parents.
Soph, you have to stop saying grown-ups.
I know!
Why are you hanging out with Swish
when you don't really like him?
Oh, I like him fine.
I mean, obviously,
I'll get bored and end it soon,
but he's a lot of fun.
And a hell of an ego boost.
I do any basic adult things,
Swish is like,
"Holy shit!" or, "Whoa!"
or, "You're amazing!"
Oh no.
♪
Holy shit!
Whoa!
You're amazing.
I'm Robert's Swish.
♪
What are you in the mood for?
Wine? Beer?
I can make you a Manhattan
if you promise not
to judge me for googling it. [laughs]
[all screaming]
Please don't look at us!
Just try to remember me as I was!
What the hell happened to you two?
[weakly]:
We got some preventative work done.
But I had an allergic reaction
to the Botox.
My body is literally rejecting youth.
I'm just a little bit raw
from the lasers.
And the needling.
And the chemical peel.
Honestly, it is disgusting the hoops
we make men jump through.
Anne, I'd like you
to meet Charlie and Sid.
♪
I really like your room.
[sighs] Thanks. I, uh,
painted it myself.
Ooh
- [sighs]
- Whose bra is this?
D-do you have a girlfriend?
No, no, no. H-honestly,
it's probably just my sister's.
She was having sex in here earlier.
Not with me. We don't do that.
She's adopted.
Don't know why I said that. Uh
[sighs]
I'll call you a Lyft.
Yeah.
♪
Soph! Relax. You are not Robert's Swish.
- He really likes you.
- Yeah,
he likes me for the moment
because I'm young and fun
and easily impressed.
Okay, but what happens
when the novelty wears off?
It's gonna be like that time when
I decided to be a top hat person.
Nope!
Okay, if you're feeling
worried about it, then test it out.
Try to make plans with Robert
for, like, a month from now.
If he commits, you're golden.
If he doesn't
you're his Swish.
Genius.
Mm-hmm.
[loudly]: Swish and I will give you guys
some space
I don't know where he went.
Maybe he has a curfew?
Hey. That was fun.
Thank you for dinner.
Oh, come on! No, it-it's still early.
- No, I-I really gotta get home.
- Okay, but before you do, uh,
the Fleet Foxes are playing
Webster Hall in a few weeks.
We should go.
Uh, call you tomorrow.
We'll talk all about it.
Okay, but I have it right here.
Hey, don't go rushing
into buying anything.
No, no, no! Who's rushing?
Just take a peep.
Just send me the information,
and, you know, we'll figure it out.
Oh! Maybe concerts aren't your thing,
but here is a list
of upcoming events in the city.
There's museums and flea markets
[desperate laugh]
Politically incorrect puppet shows!
Please let me go home!
Our dates have kept me up late
for the last two weeks,
and if I don't go home right now
and get nine hours of sleep
on my Tempur-Pedic mattress,
I-I'm gonna physically collapse.
So, you're not avoiding
making plans with me
because you don't wanna commit
to seeing me a month from now?
What?
No, I'm not making plans
'cause I can't see your phone
without my reading glasses.
But I didn't wanna tell you that
or admit how tired I am
because I don't want you
to feel like you're dating
an old guy. Just an older guy.
I'll tell you what.
How about next Saturday,
or however far into the future
you want me to commit,
we'll go to my place upstate.
Whole weekend. Just me and you.
I choose next Saturday.
I was hoping you would.
[giggles]
Val!
[door bangs]
V-Valentina?
There you are!
[sighs]
Look, uh,
I-I know we've only been dating
for a few weeks, but
when you know, you know.
I've never met anyone like you,
and I love you, and
I know you love me, too.
Will you marry me?
- Yeah, okay.
- What?
Ah!
She said yes! You said yes!
Oh, my gosh,
I gotta call my mom right now!
- Wrong room.
- SWISH: Oh! Sorry.
Why would you say yes?
[quietly]: I didn't wanna be mean!
Kids these days have,
like, zero attention span.
He'll forget about it by tomorrow.
He wouldn't.
♪
Upbeat theme playing ♪
Ba-ba-ba-ba, ba-ba-ba-ba ♪
Ba-ba, da-da-da-da-da-da da-da-da ♪
Oh, son, when you're young,
it's easy to think that older people
have all the answers.
But then you date one,
and you realize
we're all just flying blind.
SOPHIE'S SON [on phone]:
Yeah, I actually dated a senior
for a few months last semester,
so I-I know what you mean, you know?
Sweetie. I'm kind of
in the middle of a story here.
[laughs] Your generation just loves
to talk about themselves.
Anyway, um,
I had been dating Robert
for a few weeks,
and it was putting
a real spring in my step.
♪
Guys! I just saw a pigeon
on a romantic stroll
with a rat.
Well, well, well, if it isn't
our long-lost lovestruck Sophie.
You've been off in Robert-land forever.
The apartment's a wreck,
and Cowgirl Cleanup
is a two-woman job.
Hoedown music ♪
Whoa, Nelly!
This bronco's got buck!
We promised each other that
we wouldn't talk about Cowgirl Cleanup
until the trademark clears.
Okay. Yeah. I know I've been gone a lot,
but it's just that Robert keeps
planning all of these amazing dates.
I have not set an alarm in years.
My body just naturally wakes up at 6 AM.
[scoffs] You're amazing.
This is my tomato bisque. [laughs]
♪
Holy shit!
[gasps] [fizzling]
Whoa!
And then, we go back to his apartment,
which overlooks Central Park,
and we do it until the sun comes up.
I got a question.
When you're "doing it,"
do you ever accidentally activate
his Life Alert necklace?
[laughter]
- Ha. 'Cause he's older. Very funny.
- JESSE: Yes.
Does he sleep in one of those
floor-length grandpa nightgowns?
Yeah, with one of
those long pointy hats?
And he's all like,
"honk-shoo, honk-shoo, mimimimimi!"
[laughter]
Ignore them, Soph. I think it's great.
It actually got me to widen
the age range on my dating apps,
and I met someone.
Wait, you're dating a new guy?
Well, how do I not know this?
Well [sighs] I'm late to meet him.
I'll fill you in later.
We can do Cowgirl Confessions.
[loud whisper]: Save it for the Sharks!
Guys, Robert is going
to be here any minute, okay?
So, no more old man jokes.
Of course not. We want him to feel
totally comfortable here.
That's why Sid put prune juice on tap.
[laughter]
What are we laughing at?
We're just razzing our friend
'cause she's dating an old guy.
JESSE: Yeah.
- I believe that's me.
- Oh, what?
But, you're beautiful.
Uh, Robert, meet my friends.
Friends, this is Robert.
Zamn, Zaddy! Your skin is golden.
It's like the flesh of a sun-dappled
peach on a late summer's evening.
- May I?
- Sure.
Oh, my God. How do you get it
to stay so supple? It's so
Okay, we don't need another lawsuit.
SOPHIE: Yeah.
Introductions are over.
Ah, your friends are nice.
Little handsy, but nice.
Uh, yeah, th-that's them in a nutshell.
Hey, you know what?
I was thinking
tonight, I would take you out.
And by "out,"
I mean, in to my apartment,
where it's cozy. And cheap.
A night in at your place sounds great.
Yeah.
You okay?
I just kind of thought
he'd be, like, some old novelty
she'd be into for a while,
and then get tired of, you know?
Like those two weeks
she tried being a top hat person.
You're sure it's not giving Lincoln?
Only in that it's blowing my brains out.
I'm sorry.
Maybe his organs are in worse shape
than his outer body,
and he won't live much longer.
Probably not, though.
He glows from within.
Hey!
Class of '88. Me, too.
Huh?!
I'm sorry.
What, you two are the same age?
Looks like it.
Does not!
Sid, promise me that in 25 years,
we're gonna look like him,
and not like him.
- Sorry, no offense.
- Huh?!
Dude, of course, we're gonna age
like Robert. Look at us.
No, you're right.
And that one gray hair,
nothing to worry about.
Exactly, dude. I barely even see it.
- What, me?
- Yeah.
No, I meant your gray hair.
I don't have any gray hair.
Neither do I.
No, no!
[knock at door]
What's up, sad boy?
Figured you could use a hang.
Plus, Rachel's still in Florida
taking care of her aunt.
I'm lonely, I'm bored,
- and I miss my bae's touch!
- Okay.
Not loving your touch right now,
but, uh, okay, fine.
Yeah, I guess I could use the company.
I'll go order us a pizza.
[sighs] Can Robert do that?
Probably just make it,
since he's a super-talented chef.
I mean, I hate that old dirtbag!
[phone ringing] Ooh.
Oh!
- Hey, babe. How's Boca?
- RACHEL [on phone]: Don't know.
I flew home early.
My aunt's Florida friends were all,
"Don't say gay." And I was like,
"You know what? I'm gonna say it.
Gay! Bye!"
[sighs] Come over.
I haven't seen you in weeks,
and there's some things
we couldn't do on FaceTime.
I'm dying to do those things,
but I promised Jesse we'd hang.
Maybe I can bail?
Yeah, hi.
Yeah, I'll get a sausage pie, please.
Oh, a-and make it a large
'cause I'm hangin' with my sister.
[Jesse laughs]
I can't bail.
You're so lucky your
brother's in prison.
Oh, man. We are aging
so much faster than I thought!
Oh, you're right.
We look like
Grace and Frankie's grandfathers.
The lighting in here is not helping!
Siddhartha, do not blame the lighting!
Two paths diverging into the woods.
One leads to gorgeous Robert,
and the other leads to that
cranky old man at the bar
whose head looks like a scrotum.
Dude, you're right.
We gotta start taking
better care of ourselves right now.
That's how you get to be a Robert.
Just need to be calm about this.
Don't need to do anything drastic.
Oh, absolutely. Calm. Non-drastic.
We will do anything
to look young forever!
[sighs]
Wowza. I am romantic as butt.
[laughter] Hey, Val!
Hey!
Wait, did you sign up for
Big Brother, Big Sister without me?
What? This is the guy
I told you about. Swish.
Swish?
Sup?
We got kicked out of his dorm
for hustling a game of flip cup,
and Swish lost his fake ID,
so he can't go to bars.
Your guys' place is sick!
- My girl is hella aspirational.
- Aw
Um, Val? Can I talk to you
in the kitchen for a minute?
VAL: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. SWISH: Mm-hmm.
How old is he?
NYU, Class of '26, bay-bee!
[bro voice]: Two-six!
[sighs]
Okay, I am super happy for you,
but you guys can't stay here
'cause Robert's gonna
be here any minute,
and I have this whole night planned.
Soph, you've barely been home for weeks,
and now, you're trying to kick me out?
Please!
- I'm trying to have a date.
- Me, too.
Y'all have your own bedrooms?! Damn!
Okay, but yours is ridiculous.
You and Robert are no less ridiculous
than me and Swish.
And we're not going anywhere,
so I guess the four of us
will just have to share
the apartment tonight.
[knock at door]
- Fine.
- Fine.
Sup, sir? I'm Swish.
Whoa, pink wine?
♪
This is our cryotherapy chamber.
The subzero nitrogen
helps detoxify the body
while also reducing oxidative stress.
You know, I am so glad
scientists gave up on climate change
and started focusing on
making us look hot.
[deep sigh]
Some people find it helpful
to sing a song
to keep your mind off the pain.
Sorry, the what now? [gas hissing]
- Ah! Ah! Oh, my God! Cold! Cold!
- Ah! Ow! Ow!
Try singing!
Uh, la la la!
[wailing]: La la la!
- Are you singing or crying?
- Both!
[both screaming, singing]
house music blasting ♪
[muffled]: Would you like more salad?
[muffled]: No, I never went to college.
No, salad!
Yeah.
- Uh, so I was thinking
- What?
I was Oh, my God.
Val!
[screams]: Val!
Music stops ♪
Hey. Why don't you join us?
We have plenty of food.
You must have worked up
an appetite with all that jumping.
Fire! I'd love to throw a fork in that.
Ah, yes. That is a fire idea, Robert.
See? My guy's mature
and deals with problems.
Yeah. Back problems.
[shivers] Where's the mirror?
I want to see how good we look.
Oh, you won't see results
after just one treatment.
Most of our clients
like to come in twice a week.
Uh, we're looking for something
we'd only have to do, like,
twice a year.
Of course.
Well, whatever she has in mind,
it can't possibly hurt
as much as that just did.
How do we feel about needles?
Depends on where
you're gonna stick it, Kirstin.
♪
Sorry that took so long.
Ellen?
[muffled giggling]
[screaming] Oh, my God!
ELLEN:
Oh, my God! Get out, get out, get out!
[thud]
I'm so, so sorry!
Rachel came home early,
and I didn't wanna ditch you,
so I asked her over here.
And then you were gone so long.
And then one thing led to another.
And then I just need you to know
that it was not my boob!
- What?!
- I think you saw a boob back there,
a-and it's important to me that you know
that was your sister's girlfriend's boob
and not your sister's boob!
Why would you use my bed?
- [panting]
- At least somebody's using it.
- What is that supposed to mean?!
- ELLEN: Nothing!
I-I might have told her that you haven't
slept with anyone since Meredith.
What? For all you know,
I could've slept with dozens of women
since Meredith!
No, Sid hasn't texted me.
You and Sid text about my sex life.
Not lately. [laughs]
How did this happen?!
How did I become the guy
who has so little sex
that people text about it?!
I mean, I'm cool!
I play the guitar!
I collect vintage T-shirts!
Yes, 'cause you have a lot of
extra time from not having sex.
Really glad we're finally getting to
spend some time together, Rachel.
Jesse, yes, you're cool.
But, you're also a softie
who's hung up on a hottie
who's into an oldie.
And I hate to say it, bro,
but you need to move on.
Or, at the very least,
take back the bed.
You're right.
I need to take back the bed.
I'm gonna go out right now
and find a woman to have sex with.
In a very respectful way
where she also mutually
wants to have sex with me.
- Totally! Get back out there.
- Oh, yes!
Leave now! We'll watch the place.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
You're coming with me, okay?
Nothing is creepier
than a single straight white guy
sitting alone at a bar,
trying to pick up women.
[sighs] Fine. Great.
I can't get laid
until my brother gets laid.
Love it. Very Mormon.
♪
So, Swish?
What'd you learn at school today?
Um, we've been studying
really old films.
Uh, specifically from the late '90s.
My thesis is on the Scream franchise.
Ooh! I catered the New York premiere.
David Arquette loved my hummus.
Mad respect, sir.
Is it true landlines
were invented for that movie?
Oh, Robert.
[laughs] You do not have
to help Swish with his homework.
Oh, I don't know.
I think it might be nice for Swish
to learn from his elders.
Isn't that what he's doing with you?
Besides, Robert and I have important
grown-up things to talk about.
You know what? Nothing makes
you sound more like a dumb baby
than when you call something "grown-up."
Oh, you should know a thing or two about
dumb babies 'cause you're dating one.
We should just stay quiet, right?
You're very smart for your age.
♪
This is our top-of-the-line
age simulator.
I can show you exactly how you'll look
in 25 years if you do nothing.
[gasps] Oh, my face.
Oh, my beautiful face!
Well, good luck to you, buddy.
I guess some of us are just blessed
with good genes.
You know what they say.
"South Asian don't raisin."
Oops. I-I forgot to hit play
on your simulation.
I'm a raisin! I'm a raisin!
Shoot us up with everything you've got.
♪
Jesse, I promise
you don't say "hello" weird.
Just go talk to that cute girl.
Are you sure?
It feels like it's coming out weird.
Hello. Hallo. Hallo?
- Just go with hi!
- Hi!
- Hi! Hi!
- Hi! Hi. [laughs]
♪
Wait, wait. C-can you do the sound
of the dial-up modem again?
The modem goes like this.
[imitates dial-up modem]
beatboxing along ♪
harmonizing ♪
Anyone need more wine? I need wine.
Hey, actually, I'm going to, uh,
use the facility and get going.
No. No no, don't get going.
Valentina, can I talk to you
in the kitchen for a minute?
[quietly]:
You guys are driving Robert out of here,
and I know you're not
really that into Swish.
You're wrong. I like Swish.
I really like Swish. [scoffs]
In fact, I think I love Swish.
If you swear to me
that you're serious about Swish,
then I'll drop it and be happy for you.
[scoffs] Fine.
I'm not serious about Swish.
I was just mad that you made fun
of my relationship,
and then tried to kick me
out of our apartment.
Okay.
And that was lame of me, alright?
But, I-I was just nervous
about hosting Robert.
We never have grown-ups here
that aren't our parents.
Soph, you have to stop saying grown-ups.
I know!
Why are you hanging out with Swish
when you don't really like him?
Oh, I like him fine.
I mean, obviously,
I'll get bored and end it soon,
but he's a lot of fun.
And a hell of an ego boost.
I do any basic adult things,
Swish is like,
"Holy shit!" or, "Whoa!"
or, "You're amazing!"
Oh no.
♪
Holy shit!
Whoa!
You're amazing.
I'm Robert's Swish.
♪
What are you in the mood for?
Wine? Beer?
I can make you a Manhattan
if you promise not
to judge me for googling it. [laughs]
[all screaming]
Please don't look at us!
Just try to remember me as I was!
What the hell happened to you two?
[weakly]:
We got some preventative work done.
But I had an allergic reaction
to the Botox.
My body is literally rejecting youth.
I'm just a little bit raw
from the lasers.
And the needling.
And the chemical peel.
Honestly, it is disgusting the hoops
we make men jump through.
Anne, I'd like you
to meet Charlie and Sid.
♪
I really like your room.
[sighs] Thanks. I, uh,
painted it myself.
Ooh
- [sighs]
- Whose bra is this?
D-do you have a girlfriend?
No, no, no. H-honestly,
it's probably just my sister's.
She was having sex in here earlier.
Not with me. We don't do that.
She's adopted.
Don't know why I said that. Uh
[sighs]
I'll call you a Lyft.
Yeah.
♪
Soph! Relax. You are not Robert's Swish.
- He really likes you.
- Yeah,
he likes me for the moment
because I'm young and fun
and easily impressed.
Okay, but what happens
when the novelty wears off?
It's gonna be like that time when
I decided to be a top hat person.
Nope!
Okay, if you're feeling
worried about it, then test it out.
Try to make plans with Robert
for, like, a month from now.
If he commits, you're golden.
If he doesn't
you're his Swish.
Genius.
Mm-hmm.
[loudly]: Swish and I will give you guys
some space
I don't know where he went.
Maybe he has a curfew?
Hey. That was fun.
Thank you for dinner.
Oh, come on! No, it-it's still early.
- No, I-I really gotta get home.
- Okay, but before you do, uh,
the Fleet Foxes are playing
Webster Hall in a few weeks.
We should go.
Uh, call you tomorrow.
We'll talk all about it.
Okay, but I have it right here.
Hey, don't go rushing
into buying anything.
No, no, no! Who's rushing?
Just take a peep.
Just send me the information,
and, you know, we'll figure it out.
Oh! Maybe concerts aren't your thing,
but here is a list
of upcoming events in the city.
There's museums and flea markets
[desperate laugh]
Politically incorrect puppet shows!
Please let me go home!
Our dates have kept me up late
for the last two weeks,
and if I don't go home right now
and get nine hours of sleep
on my Tempur-Pedic mattress,
I-I'm gonna physically collapse.
So, you're not avoiding
making plans with me
because you don't wanna commit
to seeing me a month from now?
What?
No, I'm not making plans
'cause I can't see your phone
without my reading glasses.
But I didn't wanna tell you that
or admit how tired I am
because I don't want you
to feel like you're dating
an old guy. Just an older guy.
I'll tell you what.
How about next Saturday,
or however far into the future
you want me to commit,
we'll go to my place upstate.
Whole weekend. Just me and you.
I choose next Saturday.
I was hoping you would.
[giggles]
Val!
[door bangs]
V-Valentina?
There you are!
[sighs]
Look, uh,
I-I know we've only been dating
for a few weeks, but
when you know, you know.
I've never met anyone like you,
and I love you, and
I know you love me, too.
Will you marry me?
- Yeah, okay.
- What?
Ah!
She said yes! You said yes!
Oh, my gosh,
I gotta call my mom right now!
- Wrong room.
- SWISH: Oh! Sorry.
Why would you say yes?
[quietly]: I didn't wanna be mean!
Kids these days have,
like, zero attention span.
He'll forget about it by tomorrow.
He wouldn't.
♪