iCarly (2021) s02e10 Episode Script

1 Hey, Spence, how was your date last night? I hate to tell you guys this, turns out I did not match with Zoe Saldana.
It was an old lady named Gretel.
Oh, Spencer.
How much money did you give Gretel? One briefcase.
Two briefcases.
You know, I did read in The New Yorker about a dating app called "Word Bang.
" You can only text the person.
There's no picture, so the attraction has to be cerebral.
I might give that a shot.
You did not read about that in The New Yorker.
I told you about that.
I said I'll sign up! Right after my date with Eva Mendes.
She has two kids with Ryan Gosling.
He's coming too.
Are you guys talking about my birthday party? Should I come back? Oh, no.
Did you hear us planning the bacchanal at the sex dungeon? That's what you wanted, right? You're obsessed with your birthday.
Uh, yeah.
Because birthday parties are the best.
Birthday cake is the best food.
Birthday presents are the best gifts, and "Happy Birthday," the song, straight banger.
Well, we weren't talking about your party, but don't worry.
Pearl's gonna get us up to speed later, and she's been working on it nonstop.
You don't think she feels too much pressure, do you? Why? Because you keep telling her that the first birthday in a relationship determines whether the couple will go the distance? Nah, I'm sure that barely registered.
Okay, okay.
Maybe I've been a little intense.
I just feel so good about where things are with me and Pearl, and I know she is gonna nail it.
Oh, I'm sure she will.
You've been very clear you want a murder mystery party.
So the theme of the party is crows.
Maybe he could've been clearer.
Everyone knows it's no mystery that a group of crows is called a murder.
So, naturally, he wants a party all about our fine-feathered friends.
Pearl, I-I don't think that that's what he meant when he said, "Murder mystery.
" Carly, I'm his girlfriend.
I think I know what he means.
Devil's advocate, there is a whole genre of parties where people pretend there's a human murder, and then they role-play and they wear costumes and you have to figure out who did it that I happen to know Freddie is obsessed with.
In addition to his obsession with crows.
Devil's advocate, I feel pretty good about this crow idea.
And not just because I already bought 400 fake birds that aren't returnable because I got them wet.
Well, double Devil's advocate, Freddie seemed to want a very specific kind of game that would be perfect and also is very different from this and also he sent us a website with a bunch of kits to choose from.
Oh.
God, this is so embarrassing.
Mm.
Okay, yeah, I guess we should choose a kit.
But can we all agree he really should've been clearer about which kind of murder he meant? Mm-hmm.
Every time I'm watching the local news and they talk about murder, I'm like, "Where are the crows?" Oh, this kit looks good.
"Duck, Duck, Goose: Tag, You're Dead.
" Uh-huh, that's another bird idea.
Or, uh "Murder at the Disco.
" You know, Freddie loves disco music, and we could wear really fun '70s costumes.
It'll be perfect.
Disco? I didn't even know Freddie liked music.
One time I put on Imagine Dragons and he didn't even tap his foot.
You know Maybe you should just plan the party.
Clearly I don't know him at all.
No.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
You-you do.
Harper and I are just going off what he's saying with words.
Boring.
You're his girlfriend.
You guys have an erotic connection that we could never understand.
We can do both ideas.
Oh, what about "Saturday Flight Fever: Murder at the Dis-Crow.
" Mm.
Is it too late to change my RSVP to maybe? Foxy Brown.
And Cher Wait, does she have a last name? I think it's Horowitz.
Okay, Harper, all we have to do tonight is make this the perfect birthday party for Freddie, and make sure he thinks that Pearl planned it all.
It's funny how you say "we.
" I'm serious.
This is important for Freddie, but it's also important for Pearl and Freddie as a couple.
Now, I made the perfect guest list.
I even got that old guy that Freddie met on the Reddit thread about digestive issues.
Oh, my God.
We finally get to meet Ronald? Okay, David Bowie.
Ah? Oh! Whoa.
I bought these shoes when I was dating that WNBA player, then she dumped me for buying these shoes.
I really relate to Linda Blair from The Exorcist.
Although she was possessed by a demon whilst I am possessed by love.
Let me tell you, baking this cake was no cabaret, old chum.
My granddaughter is a nightmare.
Cause she's from The Exorcist? I haven't seen it, but the Wikipedia page was so scary.
You're gonna love that cake.
We made it light and fluffy, like my boyfriend Derek Fox-Lubiner's hair.
We didn't do anything.
Somebody was too busy on her phone to help me bake.
Oh, that's Derek.
He's messaging me from the dolphin sound app.
It's called "Dolphone.
" So you just send dolphin sounds back and forth? That is ridiculous.
In case you were ever wondering when you became an old person, this is the moment.
All right.
Listen, you guys know how important birthdays are to Freddie, so if any of you screw this murder mystery up, I swear on all your lives, I will change the passwords to all my streaming services.
You wouldn't.
Next week is the Toledo House Flip finale.
Try me.
Mess around and find out.
Hi.
Hey, Pearl! Ooh, what are you, uh old Freddie? No.
Richard Nixon.
Freddie loves Nixon.
Freddie loves Cynthia Nixon.
I know, it's weird because he is such a Charlotte.
What's wrong? Okay, Freddie is terrified of Richard Nixon.
What do you mean? He got locked in the gift shop with all the masks at the presidential library.
- It was a whole thing.
- Oh, God.
What do I Maybe say you're Cynthia Nixon's dad? Well, I brought crow dip.
And before you ask, no, there aren't crows in it.
Oh Are there rats? Because it tastes like what I think rats would taste like.
And birthday boy Sonny Bono here.
Uh, you guys look amazing.
Exorcist, Foxy Brown, Liza Minelli, David Bowie Hey! Sonny and Cher.
You and Carly match perfectly.
Yeah.
How fun.
Yeah, how fun.
No! Please tell me you're Cynthia Nixon's dad.
- I'm I'm - About to go change! Yeah, Pearl and I are gonna switch outfits because there was some mix-up, but the party's going great, and Pearl came up with everything.
You did.
Thank you.
The disco theme is amazing.
I don't really get the whole crow thing though.
Oh.
Uh, they're They're 1970s crows.
Oh.
Cool.
Yeah.
Okay.
I still don't get it.
Heads up, I'm peacing out early.
I got me a date on Word Bang that can only meet tonight, and we all know the slipping off without saying a word is much kinder than a heartfelt goodbye.
No way.
I also have a Word Bang date and was planning an Irish Goodbye.
Wait, is that offensive? No, the Irish are fine.
And hopefully so is my date.
He's a globe-trotting bon vivant with an expensive palate.
My date is a delightfully witty bookworm.
And I find that hot because I'm attracted to brains.
Also boobs, thighs and butts.
Party back on track.
Ooh, you fit so nicely into Fredward's Saturday Night Fever costume.
Now, as soon as the rest of the guests get here, we can start the mystery.
Oh, this is everyone.
Freddie said he didn't want to make a big deal of it.
That he didn't need all the attention.
Oh, no.
He-he says that every year, just to try to be humble.
He also says that he doesn't want any gifts, but obviously He means that part.
Hey, looking good, ladies.
Hey, look at your suits.
You and Carly match even better than before.
- Uh-huh.
- Mm.
Hey, uh, so when's everybody else getting here? Never.
I'm sorry, I didn't I didn't invite anyone else, because you wanted the party to be intimate.
Good call, Pearl.
Wait.
So Ronald isn't coming? No! Spencer, if there are only seven guests, then two people can't leave.
Okay.
New plan.
We make a new birth certificate that says his birthday is next month, then we call my friend Sully, fake our own deaths, and flee to the Maldives.
What about our dates? We're way past that.
It's 1977.
The streets are full of trash and the people ain't much cleaner.
We find ourselves at a grimy discotheque called Studio 55.
Police arrive to discover there was a grisly murder.
Ooh, how grisly? Very grisly.
All right, now it's time to draw cards to find out which characters we all play.
I'm, "Claudia Skies, a persnickety flight attendant who's unlucky in love.
" Don't know what that's like.
You'd probably also struggle with my character, "Anita Hug, a loving granddaughter who snuck into the club to respect her elders.
" Ooh, I'm "DeDe Bustier, a sexy secretary ready to sleep Uh, nap her way to the top.
" I'm "Pablo Pi-queso, a wealthy artist turned restaurateur.
" I don't understand this character.
I-I don't know how to play this.
Let's see.
I'm "The detective, Sergeant Bellbottoms, whose brother is the victim.
" Well, I'm going to find out which one of you sick freaks did this to my brother "Elton Don.
" And I'm "The detective's wife.
" Perfect.
"Your soulmate chemistry with your husband cannot be denied.
"Note: You and your husband could never be mistaken for friends.
" Uh, Pearl, why don't we just switch? - It's fine.
- It only makes sense - I don't want to.
- Come on.
No, I can't switch because I'm the murderer! Whoa! Come on! Sorry.
I What do we do now? The murder mystery is over.
I'm sorry, Freddie.
I guess that means the party is over too.
Do you wanna share an Uber? Jennifer R will be out front in three.
What are you talking about? You think a murder mystery party is all about the murder mystery? It's right there in the name, so But Pearl and I have so many more things planned.
- We do? - You do? Uh, yeah! You tell him.
Oh.
Uh, she must mean my riff on "Pin the tail on the donkey," only instead of a donkey, it's - A crow? - Oh, you've played it? Hey.
Hey.
Where do you two think you're You're trying to do an Irish Goodbye.
Wait, is that offensive? The Irish are fine.
You know how important this party is to Freddie's relationship with Pearl.
Then he of all people should know how important this date is to my relationship with a woman I've never met.
We want to be here for Freddie, and we know how hard you worked on this, but face it, Freddie's mama recapping an episode of Yellowstone was the highlight of the night.
Well There's also cake and a disco playlist and drinks that need to happen.
Fine.
We will stay for cake and dancing and, okay, we'll drink heavily, but after that we are out of here.
Hey, hey, hey! I am famished.
Who wants cake? I'll get the candles.
Uh-uh.
No time.
Everybody, sing.
Happy birthday to you ♪ - Happy birthday ♪ - You know what? I have always thought that song was too slow.
Happy birthday, dear Freddie ♪ Happy birthday to you ♪ Spencer, give me the cake.
You're gonna drop it.
It's colder than I expected.
Is there at least some pudding in the fridge? I ate it.
No.
Uh Millicent and your mom can just go bake you a whole new cake.
Once again, the women take on the emotional labor.
You go make a cake for your son.
Huh.
Uh, now everybody dance to this awesome playlist that Pearl obviously made.
I said everybody! - We're gonna die alone.
- Mm-hmm.
That's too many eggs.
Uh-huh.
You know, I flushed your fish Donut down the toilet.
- Uh-huh.
- Ugh.
Will you stop flipping with Derek? Grandma, I pray that one day you find someone as kind and dope as Derek, but until then, you just don't understand.
Oh.
I understand that you are going to put that phone down and help me bake.
Millicent, do not flip that flipper.
Don't you flip.
Ugh! Look, I'm sorry if I'm focused on the best thing in my life that will ever be and not some dumb cake with way too many eggs in it.
But Derek's going to flip me back right now.
Now.
Now.
It's cold in the shade, isn't it? Hey! Hey! I never led a conga line before.
I can lead y'all anywhere I wanna go.
I am mad with power! Where are Millicent and Mrs.
B with that cake? There's no way we're gonna make it out of here in time for our dates.
I think we're gonna have to cancel.
Let me just make sure my message is appropriately delicate and respectful of their feelings.
Same.
- And - Sent.
Wow.
What a coincidence.
Wait, no.
Dear God, no.
Don't tell me your name on the app is Gulliver Diphthong! Wow, another coinci Oh! That means your name on the app is Virginia Salisbury.
You're not ranked third in the state in women's parkour.
And you don't "occasionally" sing backup for Anita Baker.
She is retired.
Beep! You know what that is, Pearl? Party just flatlined.
'Cause we killed it! Carly, I almost ruined my boyfriend's birthday.
I didn't kill it.
You did.
None of that matters.
I mean, look at Freddie.
This whole night was about showing how well I know my boyfriend, except it wasn't, 'cause I don't.
You knew he liked all this stuff, not me.
You probably even knew he wouldn't like the crow dip.
No one could have predicted that.
Carly, this is your party.
I mean, I'm even wearing your clothes.
I just I-I need some air.
Will you cover for me? No, you can't leave.
You can have those clothes.
They're yours.
Maybe I can borrow them sometime, I love your style.
No.
Consider this my Irish Goodbye.
Fare thee well.
Wait, that's not even how that works.
Carly, this party is so fun.
Yeah.
Pearl nailed it.
She knows you, dude.
She knows you so well inside and out.
Are you buffering? What's happening? Where's Pearl? Did she leave? That would ruin everything.
Don't tell me she left.
I will not tell you that.
So where is she? Technically, she is gone.
That I will tell you.
- Uh - But only because we're shifting to the second phase of your mystery party: Case of the missing Pearl.
Dun, dun, dun! ♪ That's right, Detective Bellbottoms.
There's a missing Pearl and it's up to you and all of us to find her.
You didn't invent the rumba.
Your uncle is not Don Cheadle! You've never been knighted! You don't play harmonica in a grindcore band! So is this mystery a part of the other one or ? I just need to know if I still have a murdered brother.
Am I in mourning when I look for Pearl? Everything's connected.
Hmm, I wonder where she went and why.
Actually, don't wonder why.
Just find her.
Uh, maybe she's behind the kitchen counter or under the coffee table.
Well, I can see from where we're standing she's not under the coffee table.
You know, this is starting to feel a lot more like hide-and-seek than a real mystery.
No.
There are clues everywhere.
Everywhere.
Ooh, okay.
I get it.
This is fun.
Uh, the crows.
I knew they weren't completely pointless.
- Crows are birds.
- Yes.
And birds like to fly You are burning hot.
into the studio where Spencer always leaves the window open.
I'm trying to see if I can spot Frasier's apartment.
It is all connected.
To the studio.
We'll go how the crow flies.
I am having the time of my life! How does that guy have a girlfriend and we don't? You get flipped, and you flip back.
It's a simple concept.
Is our society completely falling apart? Can your grandma give you a little bit of advice? Sure.
You can't let your relationship become your whole life.
Take Lewbert and me.
Ah, Lewbie.
The one that got away, came back, seduced me while trying to defraud Carly of millions, then got away again.
You're losing the thread, Granny.
You have to remember, your happiness or sadness is only owned by you.
Thanks, Grandma B.
You're old.
But you say cool stuff.
It's Derek! Aww, he says sorry, he was helping his grandpa open a jar of peanut butter.
To be a fly on the wall for that gun show.
I have to write him back.
Oh.
Eh, he can wait till after we frost the cake.
Let him sweat it out a little bit.
Oh, my gosh.
He just started using deodorant, and it's lovely.
It seems more like a frittata.
Do we have time to bake another? Sure we have the time but do we have the desire? I missed us.
She's not anywhere.
She's not in the studio.
She's not under Spencer's bed.
Or in that weird cage above it.
Fine.
She left.
I'm sorry, Freddie.
How could you let her leave? Oh, so now Pearl being here is my responsibility too? You know, I can't do everything.
What are you talking about? Pearl wanted to throw you a wet crow party, and I've been bending over backwards all night to try to give you a birthday you might actually like.
Yeah.
I think that crow just moved.
You know, a real one could've flown in here at any time.
We would never know.
Look, Freddie, I knew you weren't gonna like what Pearl had planned so I just took over.
All I wanted to do was make you happy.
I appreciate that, Carly, but it's not fair.
Pearl is never going to know me as well as you do.
Oh, Pearl, I'm sorry.
I No, no.
It's okay, Freddie.
You're right.
I'm never going to know you as well as Carly does, because you and Carly are clearly in love with each other.
Happy birthday to you ♪ Cha, cha, cha.
Happy birthday to you ♪ Cha, cha, cha.
Happy birthday, dear Freddie ♪ Happy birthday to you ♪ Cha, cha, cha? Ooh! He hates these cans.