I'm Dying Up Here (2017) s02e10 Episode Script
Lines Crossed
1 [RON.]
Previously on "I'm Dying Up Here" - I'm Mort.
- What? So y-you're not going to tell Goldie? If some shit gig in Bakersfield has the money to pay us, but she doesn't? How long have you two been fucking? Shit! I love you, and I know that I hurt you.
You fucked Nick, a friend.
There is no getting past that.
[RON.]
Everybody, could I have your attention? This will just take a second.
I quit.
That caller, she's my girlfriend.
Not telling anybody, pretending, it's like poison.
- I bought something.
- What? [RON.]
I'll show you.
[EDGAR.]
I wonder what happened to Roy? He's in the loony bin.
[AMANDA.]
My mom says he's really out of it.
[BILL.]
I need you to hear me out, Gold.
I-I have a proposal for you.
What if we raised the price at the door one buck? I am not paying these young comics a red cent.
[SAUL.]
The network approve this sketch? Look, until the network says otherwise, we're gonna stick to our vision.
We need to get all the comics together.
- To do what? - Take action.
Oh, you mean like, a strike? That's exactly what I mean.
[LIGHT DRUMROLL.]
Baby, although I chose this lonely life It seems it's strangling me now Three Dog Night's "The Show Must Go On" All the wild men, big cigars, gigantic car They're all laughing at the lie Oh, I've been used, ooh-hoo - There they are.
- Hey, fellas.
[BRUCE.]
Come on in, sit down, sit down, over here, over here.
Oh, yeah But I must let the show go on So tell us the good fuckin' news.
Well, I got to tell you, I got off the phone with NBC, and uh they're not picking it up - What? - And they were off the phone immediately.
Did they say why they're not picking it up? [BRUCE.]
I don't know.
C-Could it have been that sketch? Strange Fruit, the musical? [BRUCE.]
Is that a question that really needs an explanation? Okay, okay, well, w-what did Saul say? Saul is busy trying to fit Bert Convy's dick back in his mouth.
But fellas, there's always a silver lining.
NBC is gonna air it next Saturday.
[BRUCE.]
Yeah, if shit wrapped in tinfoil is a silver lining, then yes, there's a silver lining.
You air at 2:00 in the morning, opposite a test pattern, and back to back episodes of Space Ghost.
- They burning us off.
- Like a genital wart.
So that's just it, huh? Just like that? N-No promotions, no nothing? We ain't even gonna get a chance? No, you had a chance.
You decided to do this instead.
[EXHALES.]
[INHALES.]
How's the dynamic tension going? Really good.
I saw a vein earlier.
- Was it in your forehead? - No, it was in my arm.
[GRUNTS.]
You really think, uh, Charles Atlas got his body doing this shit? [RON.]
Oh, you have little spaghetti arms.
What are you gonna say a week from now when I'm ripping a phone book in half? One page at a time, huh? - Uh, I don't know about that.
- Hey, check this out.
- Tanza-nia? - Tanzania.
But yes, I'm gonna have a lot of time on my hands once Morris negotiates my release, so I thought me and you might go on a little safari.
That's very generous.
And poignant, given the selflessness of it.
Ron, y-you really think you should be spending your money? I mean, you don't have a job.
No, but I got $40,000 in the bank.
I mean, that should be more than enough money to hold me over till I find something I'm really passionate about.
So what do you say, bwana? Want to freeload one last time? I mean, I have always wanted to see animals in their native habitat that I didn't have to share a bathroom with, so.
All right, want to see some lions, tigers and bears.
Yeah, you do know there are no tigers or bears in Africa right? Please don't make me rethink this.
Sorry to hear about you and Ralph's TV show.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Network said we were too subversive.
Then you're a casualty of originality.
And if nobody's ever seen it before, they don't know who to ask if it's good or not.
[CHUCKLES.]
I I guess.
There has been a little change of plans for the opening of Goldie's West.
Mm-hmm.
Well, uh, you probably heard that Roy's been a little under the weather, and, uh, so I put in a call to Pryor, and he's gonna take his place.
So that's who you'll be opening for.
- What? - [CHUCKLES.]
Wait, I'm I'm gonna be opening for Pryor? [CHUCKLES.]
Uh-huh.
Richard Richard motherfucking Pryor? Richard Pryor, that's right.
I don't know why you're so surprised.
I mean, I've always believed in you, you know that.
Yeah, I-I know you do, Goldie.
Damn.
I guess it's a little strange in this town when somebody actually keeps their word.
Do we got a deal? - Hell yeah.
- Aw.
Thank you, Goldie.
[NICK.]
Hey, I'm Nick.
Addict/alcoholic.
Uh First time caller, long time user.
[CHUCKLES.]
[ALL.]
Hi, Nick.
[NICK.]
Hey.
Um I used heroin on and off for the better part of ten years.
I guess what started off as a A momentary reprieve from life turned into a A decade long avoidance.
Uh, but I'm coming up on 30 days clean.
- [SCATTERED APPLAUSE.]
- Yeah.
Thanks.
Thank you.
I hear you all talk about making amends to the The people you've wronged, so I'm hoping to get going on that.
Try to just clean upthis mess a little bit.
You know, I figure I start making amends now, I can finish by the time I retire, so.
[AUDIENCE CHUCKLES.]
So that'll be good.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
That was cool, man.
Good to see you pop your cherry.
[CHUCKLES.]
You shared, man.
That was your first, right? Oh, yeah, yeah, right, yeah.
Yeah, good to get that first one out of the way.
Yeah.
- Ivan.
- Hey, Nick.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
So How long you been clean? Two years, eight months, seven days.
Damn, that is some specific bookkeeping.
Yeah, why not? Proud of every minute.
Right on.
Can I give you some advice, Nick? Yeah, sure.
You're not even a month clean.
Your focus ain't amends right now.
It's getting strong, staying straight.
Dig? - The steps are in order for a reason.
- [SIGHS.]
You need perspective first, man.
That means time.
First you, then them.
Thanks.
Guys, guys, coast is clear.
She's in her office.
- Oy.
- All right, Wednesday, 2:00 a.
m.
, Canter's, okay? It feels like a formality.
Everyone is for striking, right? Because, Edgar, there's a ton of shit to organize, and someone's got to do it, 'cause your lazy fucking ass won't, okay? Plus, it's good to hear it from one source.
There's too much bullshit flying around.
Hey, hey, you're sure there's no way of avoiding this? [HIGH MOCKING VOICE.]
Are you sure there's no way of avoiding this? I'm just making sure we're exercising all options.
How about we kidnap her with no violence? She wakes up in Tijuana with a puzzle to solve.
Listen, the threat of a strike is the only way for us to have leverage, okay? You can't make a threat if you're not willing to follow through.
Yeah, she can't be the only one getting her bread buttered.
Yeah, I haven't had bread for about a week.
No, Al, not actual bread, asshole.
[RALPH.]
Listen, we all got to eat.
[EDGAR.]
That's why we're doing this.
Hey, um I heard about your pilot.
I know what that's like, getting the rug pulled out from under you, it sucks.
I just thought I found a place, you know? I'm a walking, breathing square peg in a world of round holes.
I know.
I don't know why we do this to ourselves.
Why else? The pussy.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
Also, I'm really sorry about the lesbian bit.
You were right, I didn't think that through.
Shit, girl, neither did I.
I was jealous that you were able to say it, and be funny as hell.
I mean, we're all able to say it.
It's just the "willing" part that fucks us up.
[CHUCKLES.]
[LAUGHTER.]
Hey! Eddie.
[SNAPS.]
Have a sec? Oh, uh, Edgar and I are kind of in the middle of something here.
Come on, man.
I'm not good at this stuff.
Oh, no, God forbid something be difficult.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
[NICK.]
You know what? I fucked up, and I know it.
Okay? I'm in Narcotics Anonymous.
Okay, on that note [CLEARS THROAT.]
I'll take these to go.
Thanks a lot, I was this close to getting laid.
Sorry.
- You want to make amends? - Yeah, I do.
Okay, well, save me the spiel, okay? - My father was a drunk.
- So was mine.
Okay, then you know their drinking had nothing to do with us, and by the same standards, your fucking Cassie had nothing to do with me.
Look [CHUCKLES.]
I don't know if you're letting me off the hook, or you're nailing me to the cross here.
I'm just saying I'd like to do something, okay? You want to make an amend? Drop it, and leave me alone.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Oh, and Nick, just a tip, before you go off to make your countless other amends, you should practice in a mirror, because your sincerity could use a little bit of work.
[LAUGHTER.]
I'm dating now.
Dating's expensive in this city.
You women want to be wined and dined.
What happens if the only thing I can afford is fortified wine? [LAUGHTER.]
It's an address.
[LAUGHTER.]
[AL.]
When did that stop being romantic? He wants to see you.
Lower your expectations.
[AL.]
She couldn't even find a specialist.
I want you to round your back, and arch it.
[RON.]
Whoa.
[PHONE RINGS.]
Yello! [MORRIS.]
You're a free man, Ronnie.
Hey, hallelujah, pass the salt.
[MORRIS.]
Well, there are some strings.
Such as? Well, you have to finish out the season so they can write you out.
Well, other than that, Mrs.
Lincoln, how was the fucking play? [MORRIS.]
Hear me out, Ronnie.
This isn't a bad thing.
Yes, it fucking is.
I'm actually happy, I'm getting my shit together.
I'm working out, no drugs.
Right now, I'm drinking a protein shake that tastes like cat shit strained through a gym sock.
That's how seriously I'm taking this.
- [MORRIS.]
$30,000 an episode.
- It's not about the money.
I don't want to be on the show.
I'm not talking about that show.
I'm talking about your own show.
[SIGHS.]
What own show? [MORRIS.]
The network wants to do a "Benny the Mailman" spinoff.
You'd be a producer, you'd have a say in everything.
$30,000 an episode, 24 episodes.
That's $720,000, Ronnie.
All you have to say is "Make the call, Morris.
" I already booked the safari.
Elephants live till they're like 70 or 80.
Africa's always gonna be there, Ron.
[MORRIS.]
This offer isn't.
Sorry, Morris.
[SOFT MUSIC.]
Cool, thank you.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Hey, Roy.
Roy? He's a little out of it.
Had a rough day.
Yeah, um - I could just come back.
- No.
It's all right, just give him a nudge.
He was awake a minute ago.
[EXHALES.]
Hey, Roy.
Roy? It's me, Eddie - [YELLS.]
- Oh, shit! - [LAUGHTER.]
- Holy shit! Are you kidding me? Oh, my God.
- Fuck.
- Oh, man.
Oh, you sick cunts.
[LAUGHTER.]
- Thanks, Carl.
- Anytime, my man.
- That was good.
- Holy shit.
- Oh.
- Oh, my God.
You're a fucking piece of shit.
- I know.
- Oh, my What'd you bring me? Oh, I wish it was a bag of sharp objects.
Oh, me too.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
It's pastrami from Canter's.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
You got cream soda in there? I drank it on the car ride over.
- You prick.
- Yeah.
Just go put it on the table over there.
Make sure that fucker doesn't get it.
Thinks he's Abe Lincoln.
- Thanks, Eddie.
- Yeah, no problem.
I like the new haircut.
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.
I was hoping I'd look like a trendsetter, but it's, uh [CLEARS THROAT.]
I guess it's the fashion around here.
Eh, no, you look good.
I look like shit after it took a shower.
Yeah, well, for you, that's pretty good.
[INHALES.]
So, um How you doing? I know that's a stupid question.
Well, I'm done being zapped, so that's, uh - That's something.
- That's good.
These fucking meds, man, I'll tell you, they could put down an elephant.
Well.
It sounds like you're doing a little better.
What better? I just you know.
A little more like your old self.
[ROY.]
Oh, God forbid.
No, I'm just a fucking cog now.
A cog? That's the natural progression of life, right? We come into the world, we're a we're a wheel, and all the people around us, they're our cogs.
Support us, get the wheel balanced, right? Then you get old, less relevant, and you become the cog in someone else's wheel.
Hey.
You're not a cog, Roy.
[VOICE BREAKING.]
I'm sorry, it's just the fucking drugs.
[NURSE.]
Sorry, man.
Got to take your meds.
See what I mean? Speak of the devil.
Yep, that's me.
All right.
Here you go.
Any last words before I turn into a drooling idiot? No.
[SOMBER MUSIC.]
Lift your tongue, please.
You're not my type.
[LAUGHS.]
[NURSE.]
Tongue.
- Ah.
- All right.
Good job.
[EXCITED CHATTER.]
[BILL.]
All right, all right, hey, hey, hey! Listen up.
You all know why you're here, okay? Bill's learned a trick from his mom.
He's gonna go down on every single one of you.
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE.]
Mommy! Hey, everybody, speaking from experience, it is worth the wait.
[LAUGHTER.]
Is open Mic over, am I good? Okay? Last week, Goldie turned down our more than reasonable proposal on getting comics paid.
We're still getting free gruel though, right? - Free gruel.
- [BILL.]
No.
No.
- [ALL CHANTING.]
Free gruel.
- Come on.
Free gruel, free gruel, free gruel, free gruel.
- [BILL.]
Can I say something? - Whoo! All right! All right! We all want to get the fuck out of here as soon as we can.
- Thank you.
- The floor is yours, Bill.
Look, Goldie's not gonna budge, in these negotiations we're one-hand clapping.
A unified strike is our only chance of getting paid.
I think it sucks that she's not gonna pay, but you're asking for us to give up a lot for gas money.
Hey, this is more than just about the money.
- This is about fairness.
- What about loyalty? [GRUNTS.]
Shut the fuck up, Tubbs.
Come on, hey, hey, hey, hold on, hey, let him finish.
I mean, she's been awfully good to an awful lot of us, especially you guys.
Yeah, she has, but it is about loyalty, like you said.
Loyalty to the comedy community.
That's what we deserve.
[BILL.]
To stick together to get fucking paid.
Look, Goldie's West opens up on Friday night, and you better all be there.
That's the only way that we can get this done.
- That's our leverage.
- Bill, Bill.
- Listen to me.
- Hey-ho, hey-ho, hey-ho.
- Is to get what? - Psst.
[SIGHS.]
Déjà vu all over again, hey, Cass? Goldie, nobody wants to do this.
And yet, here we are.
What's this leverage thing you're talking about, Bill? Is that another way of kicking somebody when they're down? You can't be the victim and the perpetrator, Goldie, I'm no fucking victim.
Very good.
You got your dramatic pause.
Can we continue? This is a private meeting.
I got Pryor.
[GOLDIE.]
He's gonna be headlining when Goldie's West opens up on Friday night.
Proteau's gonna open for him, and I do have a few extra slots.
If any of you paper tigers make the grade, I'll consider it.
But anybody on that picket line you're dead to me.
The only way you're gonna see my stage is if you buy a fucking ticket.
- Yeah, and then what, huh? - And then what, what, Bill? And then you got Pryor.
That's great.
Good for you.
But you got two clubs to run, lady.
[SCOFFS.]
What do you think's gonna happen? You may get a couple of scabs to cross, and that's fine.
But you think producers and agents are gonna show up for a Tuesday night lineup on a Saturday? You need all of us to fill your clubs.
You know the difference between me and you, Hobbs? You're a victim of human nature.
I'm a student of it.
Comics will cross.
[SNIFFS.]
And you, you're fucking fired, Arnie.
As a comic or as a manager? Oh, hey, I didn't know there was a comic in there.
Whoa, burn! What are you laughing at? You're fucking fired too.
Mort.
[MOUTHS WORDS.]
How'd you know? [EDGAR.]
So how many comedians do you think she scared back into her corner? [CASSIE.]
Fear and retribution is a compelling argument.
[BILL.]
She threatened our fucking careers not because we asked for a piece of the pie, but for crumbs.
What about Adam? That's a pretty big defection.
What? Pbbt.
I already talked that boy out of one opportunity.
I ain't doing that shit again.
Fine, I'll talk to him.
I don't think that's a very good idea, Bill.
- [CASSIE.]
Mm-mm.
- What, you got a problem with brute force and ignorance? No, honestly, Cassie should talk to him.
Why me? [EDDIE.]
Because you and Adam have a similar relationship with Goldie, and if you're willing to strike, then it's true.
[JAZZY MUSIC.]
[NICK.]
Now, Ralph, I got to ask you.
How in the hell did you guys ever procure that coveted 2:00 a.
m.
timeslot? [RALPH.]
Uh, can I say that on radio? No, a lot of families tuning in right now.
A lot of families.
Keep it clean.
Well, NBC needed a lead in for the National Anthem, so it's basically us, flag waving, and then breakfast.
That's perfect, it's a great show, it really is.
It's fantastic, it's funny, it's subversive.
In my opinion, it's much more deserving of a 1:00 a.
m.
timeslot.
Oh, from your mouth to God's ears.
[LAUGHS.]
Yeah, we need people out there to support us, 'cause NBC sure the hell isn't.
Mm, that is "The Adam Proteau Comedy Hour," 2:00 a.
m.
Saturday night, technically Sunday morning, on NBC.
For all you white people out there, don't worry about adjusting the contrast.
- They are actually black.
- [LAUGHS.]
Ralph's gonna stick around after news, weather, and traffic, so we will see you on the other side.
Hey, Nick, I mean it, man.
I really appreciate this.
Man, I'm glad to help any way I can, honestly.
The show is fantastic, it's so great.
I wish you guys were getting a little more attention.
NBC doing anything for you? Ads, promos, any of that? Man, they ain't doing nothing.
It's just me calling in favors, or asking for one, like this.
- Fucked up, man.
- Mm-hmm.
You know, you got a really sweet setup here.
How the fuck did you pull this off? Like the song says, you can fool some people sometime.
[LAUGHS.]
You know, I'm really surprised all the comics at Goldie's are not kissing your ass to get on here.
With your numbers, this is basically Carson for ugly people.
- [LAUGHS.]
- Mm.
[DOOR SHUTS.]
All right, let's hear it.
Why they sent you over here to talk to me? I just want to say this wasn't my idea, trust me.
Mm-hmm.
I guess they just thought because we're both so close with Goldie, so.
Look, Cass, woman's done everything she said she would.
I just feel like I should keep up my end of the bargain.
It's not bad opening for Pryor, either.
- There's that too.
- Uh-huh.
But she done okay by you too, so why you doing this? Yeah, she's done more than all right by me.
I've tried to defend her.
I want to defend her.
I want to be on her side.
But she's just wrong.
So I either betray her, or I betray myself.
Look, you and me, we we struggled, but we doing okay.
Nobody gave up shit for us.
Yeah, well, maybe this is bigger than us.
I'm sorry, Cass.
That's just not big enough.
[SOMBER MUSIC.]
They're gonna strike.
Oh, it's "they" now? [LAUGHS.]
Come on, Cass, say it with me.
- "We're gonna strike.
" - Why do you do this? Uh, you got to tell me what you're talking about there.
You're covering a lot of ground.
- No one is cornering you.
- Not for lack of trying.
Look, I don't know what you're doing here, Cass, but I am too busy for excuses or apologies.
Good, because I'm not offering either.
I'm here as your friend.
- As my friend.
- Yeah.
Just because we've played violins in front of one another, that does not makes us Mary and Rhoda.
Yes, it does, and you know it.
If wind were currency, Cass, you'd be a millionaire.
I mean, it's just words.
But I guess I only have myself to blame.
Meaning? First, you blackmail me to get The Main Stage.
Then you hang me out to dry with Girls Are Funny Too.
What do I think's gonna happen here? That you're gonna change your spots? [CASSIE.]
So you're such a bastion of integrity? - Damn right I am.
- Okay, so all of this is about a dollar hike at the door? You are your own worst enemy.
Not me.
Not the comics.
You.
No, it's about respect.
I built this place from scratch, I had nothing.
I thought we were putting away our violins.
[EXHALES.]
I have earned the right to run my business the way I see fit.
And if you or those other fucking ingrates don't like it, you can go to hell.
It's your call.
[JAZZY MUSIC.]
How long has that mole been there? I don't know, I don't get back there a whole lot.
Is that the needle? That's the needle for this? It looks like a fucking javelin.
Oh, my God! Could you have counted to three or something? You're like Captain fucking Ahab.
- All done.
- Your door was open.
What the fuck do you want, Morris? Let me guess, Doc.
Syphilis? - Africa, but thank you.
- How are you fixed, Morris? Well, now, I need more of those enthusiasm pills you were giving me.
- Ah.
- Like, twice as many.
I happen to have the magic right here.
- This guy's incredible.
- Say when.
Never.
Okay, good.
- Does this seem like enough? - Eh, I trust you.
Whatever.
You still on this Africa kick? It's not a kick, me and Eddie are going, it's a done deal.
I spoke to the network.
37.
5, 22 episodes, that's $825,000, Ron What the fuck are you talking about? This is the exact opposite of what I asked you to do.
It's because I'm your agent, and it's my job to get you work.
If you want to turn it down, that's your call.
But if you do, there's an excellent chance you're not my job anymore.
- I'm going to Africa.
- Oh, come on.
I'm done being Benny.
Don't send me a postcard, okay? - Okay.
- I hope you get eaten - by fire ants.
- All right, you too.
[MAN.]
All right, all right, all right.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
[EDDIE.]
Extra, extra, comics no longer taking shit.
That that's right, it's happening this Friday at the opening of Goldie's West.
Great, okay.
We'll see you there.
Yeah, uh, feel free to spread the word.
We want as much press there as as we can.
Okay, take care.
You too.
Bye.
Look at this, huh? [BILL.]
Like ants at a picnic.
I wish it felt as good as it looked.
Could we just call Goldie one last time? - Sure, yeah.
- Thank you.
[CASSIE.]
Hey, everybody, quiet up! Bill's gonna call Goldie one last time.
[NICK.]
Quiet up, let's quiet up, everybody, quiet up.
Hey, Bill, Bill, can you see my I have a boner.
I'll tell her you said that.
[LINE RINGING.]
Everybody quiet up.
- [GOLDIE.]
Hello? - Goldie.
- Shut up.
- It's Bill.
Look, I don't know if you've been reading the paper lately, but it's not just us anymore.
It's the court of public opinion, so are you gonna pay us or not? Not one red fucking cent.
Yeah.
[TENSE MUSIC.]
Would you mind saying that one more time for me? [GOLDIE.]
Not one red fucking cent! - Strike! - [ALL.]
Strike! Strike! Strike! Strike! Strike! Strike! Strike! Strike! [CHANTING CONTINUES.]
See you Friday! Whoo! [CHANTING INTENSIFIES.]
It's about fairness.
That's what it's really about, okay? Everybody at that establishment gets paid.
Everybody, the cooks, the waiters, the valets.
Everybody but the people that the paying customers came to see, the comics.
We're tired of it.
We're gonna get paid, or nobody performs.
Goldie says she doesn't make any money.
Is that what she's telling you guys? Give me a break, man.
Have you seen the house she lives in? The car she drives? The clothes she wears? It's unbelievable, look what we wear, look at this.
Out of his father's closet, looking pathetic.
[AL.]
I like this shirt.
Hey, for all you fans of the little guy out there, today is the day of the big comic strike down at Goldie's West in Santa Monica.
So come on down, come to the pier, have some lunch, you go two blocks up, where hard-working men and women toil away in an effort to make a decent wage.
We are just one block up from that.
The Marshall Tucker Band's "Can't You See" [INDISTINCT SHOUTING, CHANTING.]
[AMANDA.]
Want to go in through the back? Perfectly good front door right over here.
Gonna take a freight train Down at the station, Lord [MOUTHING WORDS.]
I don't care where it goes Gonna climb a mountain The highest mountain I'll jump off, nobody gonna know Can't you see - Oh, can't you see - Oh, thank you so much.
Okay, great, the bar looks great.
- Mom? - Yeah? - Are you okay? - From that, please.
See what you can do to help, sweetheart.
What that woman, she been doing to me [GOLDIE.]
Get the tables all set up? Tonight's the night, people! A hole in the wall I'm gonna crawl inside and die Hey, the strike made the front page of the trades again.
But that's not the big news.
Check this out.
Oh, shit! No, I'm not changing my damn mind, Ralph.
Hey, fuck that shit! Look.
We got reviewed.
- What? - Yes, we did.
"This ingenious collaboration "between up-and-comer Adam Proteau, - and seasoned comedy - Seasoned comedy veteran.
- That's me.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
"Ralph Carnegie makes for a groundbreaking masterpiece "that is not only funny, but incredibly smart.
An all-too-welcome breath of fresh air.
" Oh, shit! This is the industry motherfucking trades.
Industry motherfuckers read this! Ralph, we did it.
Shit man, we did it.
We said we was going to do it, and we fucking did it.
- God damn! - They ain't done with us yet.
I guarantee you that.
Shit, this whole time, I just thought you was coming to bust my chops about crossing the picket line.
Hey, that's between you and your god.
It ain't my business telling anybody what to do.
Yeah, you right, but it's still going to be weird, though.
Y'all on one side, me on the other.
Hey, you definitely gonna hear it, but I tell you what, man, I got your back no matter what.
You know why? Because that's what a seasoned comedy veteran does - Yeah! - For a young up-and-comer.
Yeah! I'm all the way to Georgia, now Look at this, look at this, look at this.
[MAN.]
All right, Sid's here to start cussing.
Hey, guys, hey guys.
Hey guys, let's shut her down.
Let's shut her the fuck down.
Look at you guys! Ready to shut it down! Come on, fuck her, and fuck you! Can't you see [AMANDA.]
Hey! - Baby.
- Dad.
A bunch of ungrateful assholes if you ask me.
[LAUGHS.]
Is your mom here? Yeah, she's just in her office.
- It's okay, I can find her.
- Oh.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER, GRUMBLING.]
[EDDIE.]
No money, no funny.
No money, no funny.
No money, no funny.
Hey, hey, hey.
Why don't you come on my show, all right? - Nick, I already told you.
- Oh, no, no, no, no.
I want you to come on.
You're funny.
It'd be great exposure for you, huh? Plus, look, I would really love to have you on.
You'd really love to have me on? Jesus Christ, Nick.
Who the fuck are you? Listen to yourself.
Here, have a flier.
What do you fucking want from me, huh? I'm I'm just handing out fliers.
What do you want from you? I Fuck it.
Jesus Christ, fuck it.
Eh, Nick.
Listen, man.
Amends are bullshit.
- You don't know that.
- I do know that.
Come on, your father was a drunk.
Did he ever keep an amends? Never made it that far.
Sorry.
This amends shit it was never about me.
It was always about him, and me acting as the middle man to him forgiving himself, and I can't do that anymore.
Here you go.
Pass out a few fliers, all right? Excuse me.
[KNOCKS.]
Wow.
Oh, who says God doesn't give with both hands? What a fucking mess out there.
You come all this way to tell me the weather? You believe these kids? Trying to kill the goose that laid the golden egg.
Anyway I heard you were light on comics, thought I'd stop by.
See if I could lend a helping hand.
Thanks, Sid.
I already got my lineup.
Well, other than Pryor and Proteau, you're putting up some pretty weak coffee.
[SID.]
Maybe slip me up early.
I'll warm them up for you.
I'll do just fine.
Thanks for stopping by.
I crossed that fucking line for you.
You crossed that line for you, Sid, and you fucking know it.
Hey, Dad.
What happened? What happened? Your mother's a fucking bitch is what happened.
[GRUNTS.]
"Frequency Response" by Messengers Incorporated [CHEERING.]
[MAN.]
Richard, hey, Rich! Pryor! - All right, man.
- That's gonna do it.
That's gonna do it.
Hey, what's going on, you soda pop peddling motherfucker? - Rich.
- This big motherfucker.
- How you been, man? - I'm hungry.
Shit, I been on the road a month.
I heard some rumblings, but God damn.
You motherfuckers are serious.
Hey, it'd be great if you don't cross.
That'd send a hell of a message.
Hey, hey, Richard.
- Hey, what's up? - Adam Proteau! - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- What's going on, man? - How you been? - I been good, I been good.
Richard, we're gonna get back with the comics, all right? All right, you do that.
- Think about what we said.
- Okay, yeah.
I'll I'll I'll think about it.
[RALPH.]
Thanks, man.
[CHUCKLES.]
Don't worry about him, man.
Hey, I heard your album.
That's some funny shit.
Thank you, man.
Yeah, yeah.
I know this is a little crazy.
Well, maybe.
Well, it's just us two up there tonight.
Nah, that's all you, baby.
Wait hey, wait.
You saying you not going up? Not unless a nigga stutters.
- But what about Goldie? - What about her? I don't know, man, the woman's done a lot of shit for me.
What, you ain't done a lot of shit for her right back? Hey, grow up, little nigga.
She's your boss, not your mama, all right? Hey, let me get one of those.
[CHEERING.]
[RALPH.]
Richard Pryor's here, everybody! Goldie needs to pay these motherfuckers right now! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
[RICHARD.]
Oh, calm the fuck down.
I'm just like y'all.
[CHEERS.]
Two? That way.
Fuck.
[RALPH.]
Keep going in a circle.
- [ADAM.]
Let me borrow that.
- Hey.
I told you this was between you and your god.
It's gonna be all right.
Come on.
Be part of the front.
Johnny said he's gonna be running a little late tonight.
We can hold for Johnny.
I mean, the crowd's so excited to see Pryor - Hey, Mom.
- Huh? - You need to see this.
- See what, baby? What? - Where are you looking at? - Right there.
Hey, hey, Richard.
We had a deal.
Yeah, but you ain't say nothing about no strike, Goldie.
What are you, Jimmy fucking Hoffa all of a sudden? No, but I ain't no scab, neither.
Oh, f What's the matter, Proteau? You can't even look at me? Jesus.
Stop being so fucking stubborn, Goldie, and pay us.
I have paid you.
I've paid every single one of you a thousand times over, and if you can't see that, you can kiss my white ass! Fuck all of you.
No Chivas? What kind of outfit we fucking running here? What are you doing here? What do you mean, what am I doing here? This is opening night, right? Where the hell else would I be? Feel better? I've still got a little glue between the ears, but uh I'm running at about 80%.
Better than those schmucks in line out there.
Fuckers.
- Oh, Chivas.
Um - Yeah, there you go.
- Here we go.
- Okay, of course.
You're hiding it, I should have known.
Oh, my God, how'd you even get in? - I didn't see you.
- I came in through the back.
Not very fond of news vans nowadays.
Yeah.
Fuck, I didn't think you'd be here.
So I got Pryor to headline for me.
Well, sounds like good business.
Well, that's a nice attitude, Roy, but he joined the fucking line.
Does that sound like good business too? No.
That's just life.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
- Roy.
- Hey! - [AMANDA.]
Hi.
- How are you? - Uh, Carson's here.
- Fantastic.
Mm-hmm.
[SOFT MUSIC.]
You ready? Uh, send up the human sacrifices, and I'll be ready when it's time.
Hey.
Wait, where? - Hold that.
- Where you going? Eddie.
What the fuck are you doing here? What the fuck do you think I'm doing here? I'm a comic.
- No, I know, I just I - Look, make no mistake.
I'm still as fucking crazy as a shithouse rat.
Oh, that's an improvement.
[LAUGHS.]
What are you gonna do now? Well, I'm gonna do my month here, and then, I think I'm gonna be going to the Grand Bahamas.
Got a sweet gig at the Princess Hotel.
Beaucoup bucks, I don't have to pay any taxes.
Maybe I can get back on my feet financially.
- That's great.
- Yeah.
I'm glad you're doing better, Roy.
A little worried about you there for a while.
Yeah, well look, I'll be honest, I'm not out of the woods yet, but I'm I want you to come with me.
I want you to be my opening act.
- You're fucking with me.
- Y-yeah, actually, I am.
I brought you out into the alley because, uh, I was hoping to get a blowjob from a leprechaun.
That's what I need from you.
[STAMMERS.]
It's yes or no.
What Are you in or are you out? I'm in.
I'm definitely in.
Okay, good.
I got to get back in there.
This hack who's opening for me is closing with a Carol Channing impression.
Oh, he stole my act.
[LAUGHS.]
[EDDIE.]
Hey, Roy, uh Thank you.
And I you know, sorry about all the strike stuff on the night your club's opening.
Look, if I wasn't a part owner in this joint, I'd be on that line with you.
Yeah.
[CHUCKLES.]
[INDISTINCT CHANTING, SHOUTING.]
[RON.]
Hey, hey.
What, you take a leak? No, I was actually just talking to Roy.
- Roy Martin? - Yeah.
- He's here? - Yeah, and he's gonna fucking go up too.
Well, I hate that we're gonna miss that.
I'd love to see how he incorporates drooling into his act.
No, he actually seems fine.
He got a two month gig in the Grand Bahamas starting next month, and uh he asked me to open for him.
Get the fuck out of here.
Oh! [GRUNTS.]
- Oh.
- Congrats, buddy.
Yeah, it's so out of the blue, it hasn't sunk in yet, you know? I guess Tanzania's out.
- Ah, shit.
- No, it's fine, I don't - I'm sorry, man.
- Fuck it.
Roy will be dead in a month or so, we'll go then.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
Oh.
This is so fucking boring.
Can we just strike in spirit and go get some beer somewhere? - After you, Mr.
Chavez.
- All right, yeah.
I'm with management now, I can't do this.
[EDDIE.]
My fucking feet are killing me.
- [RON.]
Yeah, I'm sure, Morris.
- I am half crazy [RON.]
Yes, thank you.
- All for the love of you - [RON.]
Sure.
Yeah.
No, I I think it's great too.
Um, no, I do, I do.
I think it's great.
Okay.
Talk to you tomorrow.
Bye.
Finally.
Probably missed three takeout order in time it take for you to kiss other man's asshole.
- Daisy, Daisy - [CHUCKLES.]
You'll be the bell which I'll ring, you know Sweet little daisy bell [GRUNTS.]
So? [INHALES.]
So I guess I'm a millionaire.
You you do know just because I can't go to Africa, it doesn't mean that you have to be a millionaire.
No, yeah, I I know, I, um I think it's gonna be good, you know? I think it'll be different.
I-I'm gonna be a producer now, so I'll have creative control.
Like, I can finally make the show focus on real mailman issues.
- Mm-hmm.
- You know, dogs, back pain.
- Lonely widows.
- Where to pee.
Yeah, driving a car with no doors.
- Uh-huh.
- You don't think that's draining? I just want to make sure, because when you said that you were gonna bail, it's the happiest, I think, I've seen you I'm talking ever.
I think I just I just need some time to think about it.
You know, it just feels like everything is coming at me a million miles an hour lately.
Oh, because it is.
I'll tell you the first thing I'ma change as a producer.
Getting rid of that fucking catchphrase.
Oh, you know what it should be? "Special delivery!" And it should be you with a giant hard-on.
Well, in your case, a small hard-on, - but that's what it should be.
- [LAUGHING.]
Taking five now, must make time for bathroom.
I guess when you got to go, you got to go, huh? You know, the crazy part is I don't see a ring on that finger.
You know, we should probably do something about this uh, dead air.
That's what I was thinking too.
[GRUNTING.]
Hey, stupid boys, what are you doing? Hello, older Jewish clientele.
My name is Ron Shack.
Um, this is my friend, who's actually just a younger, less traumatized version of you.
- Oh, I wouldn't go there.
- Eddie Zeidel, everybody! You may remember me from such classic lines as "We're out of the split pea," and "no substitutions on any entrees.
" And let's not forget, "no, there's not a key to the restroom.
Someone is in the restroom.
" Some of you may know me as Benny the Mailman.
Benny, in the flesh.
A couple television owners in the house.
How are you, sir? Can we get another IV of chicken noodle over here, Gracja, table four, please? I'm actually worried about this guy.
Sir, are Have you been dry aged? I think I saw you on a hook in the back.
How would you folks like some comedy before you ease into your final nap? It's nice to see everybody here tonight.
I love Donimirski's.
Love the large portions.
Actually, I don't know what's bigger.
This guy's sandwich, or his prostate.
A lot of diversity in the crowd tonight though, Eddie.
- You know, I see, uh - A lot of diversity.
Yeah, I see we have old Jews with high blood pressure.
Old Jews with Alzheimer's, old Jews with lupus.
I mean, every major disease is present and accounted for.
- Do the Benny time! - Yeah.
Okay.
Uh, I will, but I got to warn you, sir, there's been a slight change to the catchphrase for this this next season.
Um, we'll see what you think.
Come on, Eddie, will you? No problem, this is this is An exclusive sneak peak here, of uh oh.
It's Benny time! [LAUGHS.]
- Look at that, they love it.
- Out.
We're gonna be here all night, folks.
Plenty more where that came from.
- In this day and age? - Yes.
And someone like a family member was okay with it? [EDGAR.]
Hey, yo.
I was just talking to a waitress out back.
It's a fucking disaster in there.
- [RALPH.]
Ah, good.
- She's got Bill Barilko opening up for Roy.
Shut up, fuck that.
- Barilko? - Barilko? Man, he was bumped from The Cellar like, a month ago.
- Yeah.
- Might as well have a comic with a white flag just waiting for Roy.
- Knock knock.
- Who's there? - Barilko.
- Barilko who? Exactly, you greedy bitch.
[LAUGHTER.]
I gotta admit, I cannot wait to see her come crawling back to us when this shit blows up in her smug fucking face.
Kiss my white ass! [LAUGHS.]
Why is that funny? Why is any of this shit fucking funny? What is this, the Stockholm syndrome talking? No, I understand why this is good for us, but I don't think y'all need to take so much glee in it.
Aw, come on, Cass.
It's just a little gallows humor.
W-What's the deal, you think that's your friend in there? Because of what, stage time? Because of the failed special she got you to do when she couldn't get who she really wanted? - [RALPH.]
Bill.
- I'm being serious.
- What do you think this is? - You wouldn't understand.
You think she's gonna take care of you? She doesn't give a shit about her own daughter.
She turned her back on her kid.
It's true.
- Take this.
- Where you going? Hey, are you serious? Cass.
You're gonna fuck all of us out of getting paid because you feel guilty.
There's more than one kind of currency, Bill.
[BILL.]
What does that even mean? What are you talking about? Cass, if you cross, you fuck each and every one of us.
Why did you do this? Really, why did you really start this? Look around.
For these people.
These comics that bust their ass, that get onstage, that put butts in the seats, and they got to beg for two bucks for a cheeseburger.
I believe in the strike.
But a pound of flesh is something different.
[BILL.]
Don't go in there, Cass, Cass Cass, Cass.
[EDGAR.]
Did she just say "pound of flesh"? [BILL.]
Bullshit.
They're not gonna accept you back if you cross.
Maybe acceptance is overrated.
[EXHALES.]
Maybe this all is.
Dramatic music - Life is good, right? - [CHEERS.]
Oh, it's good.
Now listen, I know a lot of you saw out on the marquee that Richard Pryor was gonna be here tonight.
Unfortunately, he decided to, uh, join the protesters outside because as we know, Pryor cannot, uh, say no to a line.
- Because - [LAUGHTER.]
Well, the electroshock didn't hurt.
He's tearing the roof off this place, that's for sure.
Maybe I should throw a toaster in my bath before my meeting with Johnny tomorrow.
- When do I go up? - After Roy.
[CHUCKLES.]
Frying pan into the fire.
Hey, you knew that walking in here.
True.
What are you doing here? You were right.
- [ALVIRA.]
About what? - Everything.
You find Jesus again? No, um Me.
You tried to show me, and I wouldn't look.
I couldn't look, because it Hey, V.
[ALVIRA.]
Just a minute.
Um I should have called.
Nah, the time for calling was six weeks ago.
[ALVIRA.]
I'm glad you finally figured out who you are.
Now don't come back here again.
- Bye-bye.
- Love you! Shitty stage.
Yeah, I think that's when I lost them, was with the anal sex joke.
Yeah, well, in all fairness,most Jews love anal sex jokes.
- Right.
- They were just tired in there.
[LAUGHS.]
- Ah.
- What happened? Fucking Gracja nailed me in the elbow.
Oh, my God.
Oh, you know, when she grabs that ladle, you got to run.
[GROANS.]
She's deceptively strong.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
I'm gonna miss this.
- You miss what? - This, this.
Just hanging out, being idiots.
Well, who says we're gonna stop being idiots? Ah, we won't stop entirely, but you know, it'll just be if we go out to dinner, special occasions.
Hey, nothing's gonna change as far as we go.
We're always gonna be there for each other, and we're always gonna be idiots, no matter where we are.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
Yeah, you're probably right.
Sorry, just being the only uncircumcised guy in a room, I get so reflective.
[EDDIE.]
Yeah, I don't like this.
[LAUGHS.]
[BOTH GROAN.]
Where to now? I think I got to go home.
I'm fucking beat.
Oh, I got the cure for that right here, buddy.
[LAUGHTER.]
What are you I got to go to sleep.
Fucking so do you.
I have a hard time falling asleep while it's still dark out.
I'll drop you off.
"Let It Loose" by The Rolling Stones But you're missing out.
I don't know about that.
I'm Nick.
I'm an addict and alcoholic.
And I've been clean five weeks and two days.
[SCATTERED APPLAUSE.]
And I'm hip to what she'll do Give her just about a month or two Give her just about a month or two Bit off more than I can chew [SNORTING.]
Whoo! [LAUGHS.]
Yeah, I knew what it was all leading to Some things, well, I can't refuse I can't refuse I can't refuse One of them, one of them the bedroom blues One of them, the bedroom blues [SNIFFS.]
She delivers right on time I can't resist a corny line Can't resist it But take the shine right off your shoes Yeah, right off your shoes Carrying, carrying the bedroom blues Carrying the bedroom blues In the bar, you're getting drunk Let it loose, let it all come down Let it loose, let it all come down Let it loose, let it all come down [QUIET ELECTRICAL HUMMING.]
Previously on "I'm Dying Up Here" - I'm Mort.
- What? So y-you're not going to tell Goldie? If some shit gig in Bakersfield has the money to pay us, but she doesn't? How long have you two been fucking? Shit! I love you, and I know that I hurt you.
You fucked Nick, a friend.
There is no getting past that.
[RON.]
Everybody, could I have your attention? This will just take a second.
I quit.
That caller, she's my girlfriend.
Not telling anybody, pretending, it's like poison.
- I bought something.
- What? [RON.]
I'll show you.
[EDGAR.]
I wonder what happened to Roy? He's in the loony bin.
[AMANDA.]
My mom says he's really out of it.
[BILL.]
I need you to hear me out, Gold.
I-I have a proposal for you.
What if we raised the price at the door one buck? I am not paying these young comics a red cent.
[SAUL.]
The network approve this sketch? Look, until the network says otherwise, we're gonna stick to our vision.
We need to get all the comics together.
- To do what? - Take action.
Oh, you mean like, a strike? That's exactly what I mean.
[LIGHT DRUMROLL.]
Baby, although I chose this lonely life It seems it's strangling me now Three Dog Night's "The Show Must Go On" All the wild men, big cigars, gigantic car They're all laughing at the lie Oh, I've been used, ooh-hoo - There they are.
- Hey, fellas.
[BRUCE.]
Come on in, sit down, sit down, over here, over here.
Oh, yeah But I must let the show go on So tell us the good fuckin' news.
Well, I got to tell you, I got off the phone with NBC, and uh they're not picking it up - What? - And they were off the phone immediately.
Did they say why they're not picking it up? [BRUCE.]
I don't know.
C-Could it have been that sketch? Strange Fruit, the musical? [BRUCE.]
Is that a question that really needs an explanation? Okay, okay, well, w-what did Saul say? Saul is busy trying to fit Bert Convy's dick back in his mouth.
But fellas, there's always a silver lining.
NBC is gonna air it next Saturday.
[BRUCE.]
Yeah, if shit wrapped in tinfoil is a silver lining, then yes, there's a silver lining.
You air at 2:00 in the morning, opposite a test pattern, and back to back episodes of Space Ghost.
- They burning us off.
- Like a genital wart.
So that's just it, huh? Just like that? N-No promotions, no nothing? We ain't even gonna get a chance? No, you had a chance.
You decided to do this instead.
[EXHALES.]
[INHALES.]
How's the dynamic tension going? Really good.
I saw a vein earlier.
- Was it in your forehead? - No, it was in my arm.
[GRUNTS.]
You really think, uh, Charles Atlas got his body doing this shit? [RON.]
Oh, you have little spaghetti arms.
What are you gonna say a week from now when I'm ripping a phone book in half? One page at a time, huh? - Uh, I don't know about that.
- Hey, check this out.
- Tanza-nia? - Tanzania.
But yes, I'm gonna have a lot of time on my hands once Morris negotiates my release, so I thought me and you might go on a little safari.
That's very generous.
And poignant, given the selflessness of it.
Ron, y-you really think you should be spending your money? I mean, you don't have a job.
No, but I got $40,000 in the bank.
I mean, that should be more than enough money to hold me over till I find something I'm really passionate about.
So what do you say, bwana? Want to freeload one last time? I mean, I have always wanted to see animals in their native habitat that I didn't have to share a bathroom with, so.
All right, want to see some lions, tigers and bears.
Yeah, you do know there are no tigers or bears in Africa right? Please don't make me rethink this.
Sorry to hear about you and Ralph's TV show.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Network said we were too subversive.
Then you're a casualty of originality.
And if nobody's ever seen it before, they don't know who to ask if it's good or not.
[CHUCKLES.]
I I guess.
There has been a little change of plans for the opening of Goldie's West.
Mm-hmm.
Well, uh, you probably heard that Roy's been a little under the weather, and, uh, so I put in a call to Pryor, and he's gonna take his place.
So that's who you'll be opening for.
- What? - [CHUCKLES.]
Wait, I'm I'm gonna be opening for Pryor? [CHUCKLES.]
Uh-huh.
Richard Richard motherfucking Pryor? Richard Pryor, that's right.
I don't know why you're so surprised.
I mean, I've always believed in you, you know that.
Yeah, I-I know you do, Goldie.
Damn.
I guess it's a little strange in this town when somebody actually keeps their word.
Do we got a deal? - Hell yeah.
- Aw.
Thank you, Goldie.
[NICK.]
Hey, I'm Nick.
Addict/alcoholic.
Uh First time caller, long time user.
[CHUCKLES.]
[ALL.]
Hi, Nick.
[NICK.]
Hey.
Um I used heroin on and off for the better part of ten years.
I guess what started off as a A momentary reprieve from life turned into a A decade long avoidance.
Uh, but I'm coming up on 30 days clean.
- [SCATTERED APPLAUSE.]
- Yeah.
Thanks.
Thank you.
I hear you all talk about making amends to the The people you've wronged, so I'm hoping to get going on that.
Try to just clean upthis mess a little bit.
You know, I figure I start making amends now, I can finish by the time I retire, so.
[AUDIENCE CHUCKLES.]
So that'll be good.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
That was cool, man.
Good to see you pop your cherry.
[CHUCKLES.]
You shared, man.
That was your first, right? Oh, yeah, yeah, right, yeah.
Yeah, good to get that first one out of the way.
Yeah.
- Ivan.
- Hey, Nick.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
So How long you been clean? Two years, eight months, seven days.
Damn, that is some specific bookkeeping.
Yeah, why not? Proud of every minute.
Right on.
Can I give you some advice, Nick? Yeah, sure.
You're not even a month clean.
Your focus ain't amends right now.
It's getting strong, staying straight.
Dig? - The steps are in order for a reason.
- [SIGHS.]
You need perspective first, man.
That means time.
First you, then them.
Thanks.
Guys, guys, coast is clear.
She's in her office.
- Oy.
- All right, Wednesday, 2:00 a.
m.
, Canter's, okay? It feels like a formality.
Everyone is for striking, right? Because, Edgar, there's a ton of shit to organize, and someone's got to do it, 'cause your lazy fucking ass won't, okay? Plus, it's good to hear it from one source.
There's too much bullshit flying around.
Hey, hey, you're sure there's no way of avoiding this? [HIGH MOCKING VOICE.]
Are you sure there's no way of avoiding this? I'm just making sure we're exercising all options.
How about we kidnap her with no violence? She wakes up in Tijuana with a puzzle to solve.
Listen, the threat of a strike is the only way for us to have leverage, okay? You can't make a threat if you're not willing to follow through.
Yeah, she can't be the only one getting her bread buttered.
Yeah, I haven't had bread for about a week.
No, Al, not actual bread, asshole.
[RALPH.]
Listen, we all got to eat.
[EDGAR.]
That's why we're doing this.
Hey, um I heard about your pilot.
I know what that's like, getting the rug pulled out from under you, it sucks.
I just thought I found a place, you know? I'm a walking, breathing square peg in a world of round holes.
I know.
I don't know why we do this to ourselves.
Why else? The pussy.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
Also, I'm really sorry about the lesbian bit.
You were right, I didn't think that through.
Shit, girl, neither did I.
I was jealous that you were able to say it, and be funny as hell.
I mean, we're all able to say it.
It's just the "willing" part that fucks us up.
[CHUCKLES.]
[LAUGHTER.]
Hey! Eddie.
[SNAPS.]
Have a sec? Oh, uh, Edgar and I are kind of in the middle of something here.
Come on, man.
I'm not good at this stuff.
Oh, no, God forbid something be difficult.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
[NICK.]
You know what? I fucked up, and I know it.
Okay? I'm in Narcotics Anonymous.
Okay, on that note [CLEARS THROAT.]
I'll take these to go.
Thanks a lot, I was this close to getting laid.
Sorry.
- You want to make amends? - Yeah, I do.
Okay, well, save me the spiel, okay? - My father was a drunk.
- So was mine.
Okay, then you know their drinking had nothing to do with us, and by the same standards, your fucking Cassie had nothing to do with me.
Look [CHUCKLES.]
I don't know if you're letting me off the hook, or you're nailing me to the cross here.
I'm just saying I'd like to do something, okay? You want to make an amend? Drop it, and leave me alone.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Oh, and Nick, just a tip, before you go off to make your countless other amends, you should practice in a mirror, because your sincerity could use a little bit of work.
[LAUGHTER.]
I'm dating now.
Dating's expensive in this city.
You women want to be wined and dined.
What happens if the only thing I can afford is fortified wine? [LAUGHTER.]
It's an address.
[LAUGHTER.]
[AL.]
When did that stop being romantic? He wants to see you.
Lower your expectations.
[AL.]
She couldn't even find a specialist.
I want you to round your back, and arch it.
[RON.]
Whoa.
[PHONE RINGS.]
Yello! [MORRIS.]
You're a free man, Ronnie.
Hey, hallelujah, pass the salt.
[MORRIS.]
Well, there are some strings.
Such as? Well, you have to finish out the season so they can write you out.
Well, other than that, Mrs.
Lincoln, how was the fucking play? [MORRIS.]
Hear me out, Ronnie.
This isn't a bad thing.
Yes, it fucking is.
I'm actually happy, I'm getting my shit together.
I'm working out, no drugs.
Right now, I'm drinking a protein shake that tastes like cat shit strained through a gym sock.
That's how seriously I'm taking this.
- [MORRIS.]
$30,000 an episode.
- It's not about the money.
I don't want to be on the show.
I'm not talking about that show.
I'm talking about your own show.
[SIGHS.]
What own show? [MORRIS.]
The network wants to do a "Benny the Mailman" spinoff.
You'd be a producer, you'd have a say in everything.
$30,000 an episode, 24 episodes.
That's $720,000, Ronnie.
All you have to say is "Make the call, Morris.
" I already booked the safari.
Elephants live till they're like 70 or 80.
Africa's always gonna be there, Ron.
[MORRIS.]
This offer isn't.
Sorry, Morris.
[SOFT MUSIC.]
Cool, thank you.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Hey, Roy.
Roy? He's a little out of it.
Had a rough day.
Yeah, um - I could just come back.
- No.
It's all right, just give him a nudge.
He was awake a minute ago.
[EXHALES.]
Hey, Roy.
Roy? It's me, Eddie - [YELLS.]
- Oh, shit! - [LAUGHTER.]
- Holy shit! Are you kidding me? Oh, my God.
- Fuck.
- Oh, man.
Oh, you sick cunts.
[LAUGHTER.]
- Thanks, Carl.
- Anytime, my man.
- That was good.
- Holy shit.
- Oh.
- Oh, my God.
You're a fucking piece of shit.
- I know.
- Oh, my What'd you bring me? Oh, I wish it was a bag of sharp objects.
Oh, me too.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
It's pastrami from Canter's.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
You got cream soda in there? I drank it on the car ride over.
- You prick.
- Yeah.
Just go put it on the table over there.
Make sure that fucker doesn't get it.
Thinks he's Abe Lincoln.
- Thanks, Eddie.
- Yeah, no problem.
I like the new haircut.
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.
I was hoping I'd look like a trendsetter, but it's, uh [CLEARS THROAT.]
I guess it's the fashion around here.
Eh, no, you look good.
I look like shit after it took a shower.
Yeah, well, for you, that's pretty good.
[INHALES.]
So, um How you doing? I know that's a stupid question.
Well, I'm done being zapped, so that's, uh - That's something.
- That's good.
These fucking meds, man, I'll tell you, they could put down an elephant.
Well.
It sounds like you're doing a little better.
What better? I just you know.
A little more like your old self.
[ROY.]
Oh, God forbid.
No, I'm just a fucking cog now.
A cog? That's the natural progression of life, right? We come into the world, we're a we're a wheel, and all the people around us, they're our cogs.
Support us, get the wheel balanced, right? Then you get old, less relevant, and you become the cog in someone else's wheel.
Hey.
You're not a cog, Roy.
[VOICE BREAKING.]
I'm sorry, it's just the fucking drugs.
[NURSE.]
Sorry, man.
Got to take your meds.
See what I mean? Speak of the devil.
Yep, that's me.
All right.
Here you go.
Any last words before I turn into a drooling idiot? No.
[SOMBER MUSIC.]
Lift your tongue, please.
You're not my type.
[LAUGHS.]
[NURSE.]
Tongue.
- Ah.
- All right.
Good job.
[EXCITED CHATTER.]
[BILL.]
All right, all right, hey, hey, hey! Listen up.
You all know why you're here, okay? Bill's learned a trick from his mom.
He's gonna go down on every single one of you.
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE.]
Mommy! Hey, everybody, speaking from experience, it is worth the wait.
[LAUGHTER.]
Is open Mic over, am I good? Okay? Last week, Goldie turned down our more than reasonable proposal on getting comics paid.
We're still getting free gruel though, right? - Free gruel.
- [BILL.]
No.
No.
- [ALL CHANTING.]
Free gruel.
- Come on.
Free gruel, free gruel, free gruel, free gruel.
- [BILL.]
Can I say something? - Whoo! All right! All right! We all want to get the fuck out of here as soon as we can.
- Thank you.
- The floor is yours, Bill.
Look, Goldie's not gonna budge, in these negotiations we're one-hand clapping.
A unified strike is our only chance of getting paid.
I think it sucks that she's not gonna pay, but you're asking for us to give up a lot for gas money.
Hey, this is more than just about the money.
- This is about fairness.
- What about loyalty? [GRUNTS.]
Shut the fuck up, Tubbs.
Come on, hey, hey, hey, hold on, hey, let him finish.
I mean, she's been awfully good to an awful lot of us, especially you guys.
Yeah, she has, but it is about loyalty, like you said.
Loyalty to the comedy community.
That's what we deserve.
[BILL.]
To stick together to get fucking paid.
Look, Goldie's West opens up on Friday night, and you better all be there.
That's the only way that we can get this done.
- That's our leverage.
- Bill, Bill.
- Listen to me.
- Hey-ho, hey-ho, hey-ho.
- Is to get what? - Psst.
[SIGHS.]
Déjà vu all over again, hey, Cass? Goldie, nobody wants to do this.
And yet, here we are.
What's this leverage thing you're talking about, Bill? Is that another way of kicking somebody when they're down? You can't be the victim and the perpetrator, Goldie, I'm no fucking victim.
Very good.
You got your dramatic pause.
Can we continue? This is a private meeting.
I got Pryor.
[GOLDIE.]
He's gonna be headlining when Goldie's West opens up on Friday night.
Proteau's gonna open for him, and I do have a few extra slots.
If any of you paper tigers make the grade, I'll consider it.
But anybody on that picket line you're dead to me.
The only way you're gonna see my stage is if you buy a fucking ticket.
- Yeah, and then what, huh? - And then what, what, Bill? And then you got Pryor.
That's great.
Good for you.
But you got two clubs to run, lady.
[SCOFFS.]
What do you think's gonna happen? You may get a couple of scabs to cross, and that's fine.
But you think producers and agents are gonna show up for a Tuesday night lineup on a Saturday? You need all of us to fill your clubs.
You know the difference between me and you, Hobbs? You're a victim of human nature.
I'm a student of it.
Comics will cross.
[SNIFFS.]
And you, you're fucking fired, Arnie.
As a comic or as a manager? Oh, hey, I didn't know there was a comic in there.
Whoa, burn! What are you laughing at? You're fucking fired too.
Mort.
[MOUTHS WORDS.]
How'd you know? [EDGAR.]
So how many comedians do you think she scared back into her corner? [CASSIE.]
Fear and retribution is a compelling argument.
[BILL.]
She threatened our fucking careers not because we asked for a piece of the pie, but for crumbs.
What about Adam? That's a pretty big defection.
What? Pbbt.
I already talked that boy out of one opportunity.
I ain't doing that shit again.
Fine, I'll talk to him.
I don't think that's a very good idea, Bill.
- [CASSIE.]
Mm-mm.
- What, you got a problem with brute force and ignorance? No, honestly, Cassie should talk to him.
Why me? [EDDIE.]
Because you and Adam have a similar relationship with Goldie, and if you're willing to strike, then it's true.
[JAZZY MUSIC.]
[NICK.]
Now, Ralph, I got to ask you.
How in the hell did you guys ever procure that coveted 2:00 a.
m.
timeslot? [RALPH.]
Uh, can I say that on radio? No, a lot of families tuning in right now.
A lot of families.
Keep it clean.
Well, NBC needed a lead in for the National Anthem, so it's basically us, flag waving, and then breakfast.
That's perfect, it's a great show, it really is.
It's fantastic, it's funny, it's subversive.
In my opinion, it's much more deserving of a 1:00 a.
m.
timeslot.
Oh, from your mouth to God's ears.
[LAUGHS.]
Yeah, we need people out there to support us, 'cause NBC sure the hell isn't.
Mm, that is "The Adam Proteau Comedy Hour," 2:00 a.
m.
Saturday night, technically Sunday morning, on NBC.
For all you white people out there, don't worry about adjusting the contrast.
- They are actually black.
- [LAUGHS.]
Ralph's gonna stick around after news, weather, and traffic, so we will see you on the other side.
Hey, Nick, I mean it, man.
I really appreciate this.
Man, I'm glad to help any way I can, honestly.
The show is fantastic, it's so great.
I wish you guys were getting a little more attention.
NBC doing anything for you? Ads, promos, any of that? Man, they ain't doing nothing.
It's just me calling in favors, or asking for one, like this.
- Fucked up, man.
- Mm-hmm.
You know, you got a really sweet setup here.
How the fuck did you pull this off? Like the song says, you can fool some people sometime.
[LAUGHS.]
You know, I'm really surprised all the comics at Goldie's are not kissing your ass to get on here.
With your numbers, this is basically Carson for ugly people.
- [LAUGHS.]
- Mm.
[DOOR SHUTS.]
All right, let's hear it.
Why they sent you over here to talk to me? I just want to say this wasn't my idea, trust me.
Mm-hmm.
I guess they just thought because we're both so close with Goldie, so.
Look, Cass, woman's done everything she said she would.
I just feel like I should keep up my end of the bargain.
It's not bad opening for Pryor, either.
- There's that too.
- Uh-huh.
But she done okay by you too, so why you doing this? Yeah, she's done more than all right by me.
I've tried to defend her.
I want to defend her.
I want to be on her side.
But she's just wrong.
So I either betray her, or I betray myself.
Look, you and me, we we struggled, but we doing okay.
Nobody gave up shit for us.
Yeah, well, maybe this is bigger than us.
I'm sorry, Cass.
That's just not big enough.
[SOMBER MUSIC.]
They're gonna strike.
Oh, it's "they" now? [LAUGHS.]
Come on, Cass, say it with me.
- "We're gonna strike.
" - Why do you do this? Uh, you got to tell me what you're talking about there.
You're covering a lot of ground.
- No one is cornering you.
- Not for lack of trying.
Look, I don't know what you're doing here, Cass, but I am too busy for excuses or apologies.
Good, because I'm not offering either.
I'm here as your friend.
- As my friend.
- Yeah.
Just because we've played violins in front of one another, that does not makes us Mary and Rhoda.
Yes, it does, and you know it.
If wind were currency, Cass, you'd be a millionaire.
I mean, it's just words.
But I guess I only have myself to blame.
Meaning? First, you blackmail me to get The Main Stage.
Then you hang me out to dry with Girls Are Funny Too.
What do I think's gonna happen here? That you're gonna change your spots? [CASSIE.]
So you're such a bastion of integrity? - Damn right I am.
- Okay, so all of this is about a dollar hike at the door? You are your own worst enemy.
Not me.
Not the comics.
You.
No, it's about respect.
I built this place from scratch, I had nothing.
I thought we were putting away our violins.
[EXHALES.]
I have earned the right to run my business the way I see fit.
And if you or those other fucking ingrates don't like it, you can go to hell.
It's your call.
[JAZZY MUSIC.]
How long has that mole been there? I don't know, I don't get back there a whole lot.
Is that the needle? That's the needle for this? It looks like a fucking javelin.
Oh, my God! Could you have counted to three or something? You're like Captain fucking Ahab.
- All done.
- Your door was open.
What the fuck do you want, Morris? Let me guess, Doc.
Syphilis? - Africa, but thank you.
- How are you fixed, Morris? Well, now, I need more of those enthusiasm pills you were giving me.
- Ah.
- Like, twice as many.
I happen to have the magic right here.
- This guy's incredible.
- Say when.
Never.
Okay, good.
- Does this seem like enough? - Eh, I trust you.
Whatever.
You still on this Africa kick? It's not a kick, me and Eddie are going, it's a done deal.
I spoke to the network.
37.
5, 22 episodes, that's $825,000, Ron What the fuck are you talking about? This is the exact opposite of what I asked you to do.
It's because I'm your agent, and it's my job to get you work.
If you want to turn it down, that's your call.
But if you do, there's an excellent chance you're not my job anymore.
- I'm going to Africa.
- Oh, come on.
I'm done being Benny.
Don't send me a postcard, okay? - Okay.
- I hope you get eaten - by fire ants.
- All right, you too.
[MAN.]
All right, all right, all right.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
[EDDIE.]
Extra, extra, comics no longer taking shit.
That that's right, it's happening this Friday at the opening of Goldie's West.
Great, okay.
We'll see you there.
Yeah, uh, feel free to spread the word.
We want as much press there as as we can.
Okay, take care.
You too.
Bye.
Look at this, huh? [BILL.]
Like ants at a picnic.
I wish it felt as good as it looked.
Could we just call Goldie one last time? - Sure, yeah.
- Thank you.
[CASSIE.]
Hey, everybody, quiet up! Bill's gonna call Goldie one last time.
[NICK.]
Quiet up, let's quiet up, everybody, quiet up.
Hey, Bill, Bill, can you see my I have a boner.
I'll tell her you said that.
[LINE RINGING.]
Everybody quiet up.
- [GOLDIE.]
Hello? - Goldie.
- Shut up.
- It's Bill.
Look, I don't know if you've been reading the paper lately, but it's not just us anymore.
It's the court of public opinion, so are you gonna pay us or not? Not one red fucking cent.
Yeah.
[TENSE MUSIC.]
Would you mind saying that one more time for me? [GOLDIE.]
Not one red fucking cent! - Strike! - [ALL.]
Strike! Strike! Strike! Strike! Strike! Strike! Strike! Strike! [CHANTING CONTINUES.]
See you Friday! Whoo! [CHANTING INTENSIFIES.]
It's about fairness.
That's what it's really about, okay? Everybody at that establishment gets paid.
Everybody, the cooks, the waiters, the valets.
Everybody but the people that the paying customers came to see, the comics.
We're tired of it.
We're gonna get paid, or nobody performs.
Goldie says she doesn't make any money.
Is that what she's telling you guys? Give me a break, man.
Have you seen the house she lives in? The car she drives? The clothes she wears? It's unbelievable, look what we wear, look at this.
Out of his father's closet, looking pathetic.
[AL.]
I like this shirt.
Hey, for all you fans of the little guy out there, today is the day of the big comic strike down at Goldie's West in Santa Monica.
So come on down, come to the pier, have some lunch, you go two blocks up, where hard-working men and women toil away in an effort to make a decent wage.
We are just one block up from that.
The Marshall Tucker Band's "Can't You See" [INDISTINCT SHOUTING, CHANTING.]
[AMANDA.]
Want to go in through the back? Perfectly good front door right over here.
Gonna take a freight train Down at the station, Lord [MOUTHING WORDS.]
I don't care where it goes Gonna climb a mountain The highest mountain I'll jump off, nobody gonna know Can't you see - Oh, can't you see - Oh, thank you so much.
Okay, great, the bar looks great.
- Mom? - Yeah? - Are you okay? - From that, please.
See what you can do to help, sweetheart.
What that woman, she been doing to me [GOLDIE.]
Get the tables all set up? Tonight's the night, people! A hole in the wall I'm gonna crawl inside and die Hey, the strike made the front page of the trades again.
But that's not the big news.
Check this out.
Oh, shit! No, I'm not changing my damn mind, Ralph.
Hey, fuck that shit! Look.
We got reviewed.
- What? - Yes, we did.
"This ingenious collaboration "between up-and-comer Adam Proteau, - and seasoned comedy - Seasoned comedy veteran.
- That's me.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
"Ralph Carnegie makes for a groundbreaking masterpiece "that is not only funny, but incredibly smart.
An all-too-welcome breath of fresh air.
" Oh, shit! This is the industry motherfucking trades.
Industry motherfuckers read this! Ralph, we did it.
Shit man, we did it.
We said we was going to do it, and we fucking did it.
- God damn! - They ain't done with us yet.
I guarantee you that.
Shit, this whole time, I just thought you was coming to bust my chops about crossing the picket line.
Hey, that's between you and your god.
It ain't my business telling anybody what to do.
Yeah, you right, but it's still going to be weird, though.
Y'all on one side, me on the other.
Hey, you definitely gonna hear it, but I tell you what, man, I got your back no matter what.
You know why? Because that's what a seasoned comedy veteran does - Yeah! - For a young up-and-comer.
Yeah! I'm all the way to Georgia, now Look at this, look at this, look at this.
[MAN.]
All right, Sid's here to start cussing.
Hey, guys, hey guys.
Hey guys, let's shut her down.
Let's shut her the fuck down.
Look at you guys! Ready to shut it down! Come on, fuck her, and fuck you! Can't you see [AMANDA.]
Hey! - Baby.
- Dad.
A bunch of ungrateful assholes if you ask me.
[LAUGHS.]
Is your mom here? Yeah, she's just in her office.
- It's okay, I can find her.
- Oh.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER, GRUMBLING.]
[EDDIE.]
No money, no funny.
No money, no funny.
No money, no funny.
Hey, hey, hey.
Why don't you come on my show, all right? - Nick, I already told you.
- Oh, no, no, no, no.
I want you to come on.
You're funny.
It'd be great exposure for you, huh? Plus, look, I would really love to have you on.
You'd really love to have me on? Jesus Christ, Nick.
Who the fuck are you? Listen to yourself.
Here, have a flier.
What do you fucking want from me, huh? I'm I'm just handing out fliers.
What do you want from you? I Fuck it.
Jesus Christ, fuck it.
Eh, Nick.
Listen, man.
Amends are bullshit.
- You don't know that.
- I do know that.
Come on, your father was a drunk.
Did he ever keep an amends? Never made it that far.
Sorry.
This amends shit it was never about me.
It was always about him, and me acting as the middle man to him forgiving himself, and I can't do that anymore.
Here you go.
Pass out a few fliers, all right? Excuse me.
[KNOCKS.]
Wow.
Oh, who says God doesn't give with both hands? What a fucking mess out there.
You come all this way to tell me the weather? You believe these kids? Trying to kill the goose that laid the golden egg.
Anyway I heard you were light on comics, thought I'd stop by.
See if I could lend a helping hand.
Thanks, Sid.
I already got my lineup.
Well, other than Pryor and Proteau, you're putting up some pretty weak coffee.
[SID.]
Maybe slip me up early.
I'll warm them up for you.
I'll do just fine.
Thanks for stopping by.
I crossed that fucking line for you.
You crossed that line for you, Sid, and you fucking know it.
Hey, Dad.
What happened? What happened? Your mother's a fucking bitch is what happened.
[GRUNTS.]
"Frequency Response" by Messengers Incorporated [CHEERING.]
[MAN.]
Richard, hey, Rich! Pryor! - All right, man.
- That's gonna do it.
That's gonna do it.
Hey, what's going on, you soda pop peddling motherfucker? - Rich.
- This big motherfucker.
- How you been, man? - I'm hungry.
Shit, I been on the road a month.
I heard some rumblings, but God damn.
You motherfuckers are serious.
Hey, it'd be great if you don't cross.
That'd send a hell of a message.
Hey, hey, Richard.
- Hey, what's up? - Adam Proteau! - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- What's going on, man? - How you been? - I been good, I been good.
Richard, we're gonna get back with the comics, all right? All right, you do that.
- Think about what we said.
- Okay, yeah.
I'll I'll I'll think about it.
[RALPH.]
Thanks, man.
[CHUCKLES.]
Don't worry about him, man.
Hey, I heard your album.
That's some funny shit.
Thank you, man.
Yeah, yeah.
I know this is a little crazy.
Well, maybe.
Well, it's just us two up there tonight.
Nah, that's all you, baby.
Wait hey, wait.
You saying you not going up? Not unless a nigga stutters.
- But what about Goldie? - What about her? I don't know, man, the woman's done a lot of shit for me.
What, you ain't done a lot of shit for her right back? Hey, grow up, little nigga.
She's your boss, not your mama, all right? Hey, let me get one of those.
[CHEERING.]
[RALPH.]
Richard Pryor's here, everybody! Goldie needs to pay these motherfuckers right now! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
[RICHARD.]
Oh, calm the fuck down.
I'm just like y'all.
[CHEERS.]
Two? That way.
Fuck.
[RALPH.]
Keep going in a circle.
- [ADAM.]
Let me borrow that.
- Hey.
I told you this was between you and your god.
It's gonna be all right.
Come on.
Be part of the front.
Johnny said he's gonna be running a little late tonight.
We can hold for Johnny.
I mean, the crowd's so excited to see Pryor - Hey, Mom.
- Huh? - You need to see this.
- See what, baby? What? - Where are you looking at? - Right there.
Hey, hey, Richard.
We had a deal.
Yeah, but you ain't say nothing about no strike, Goldie.
What are you, Jimmy fucking Hoffa all of a sudden? No, but I ain't no scab, neither.
Oh, f What's the matter, Proteau? You can't even look at me? Jesus.
Stop being so fucking stubborn, Goldie, and pay us.
I have paid you.
I've paid every single one of you a thousand times over, and if you can't see that, you can kiss my white ass! Fuck all of you.
No Chivas? What kind of outfit we fucking running here? What are you doing here? What do you mean, what am I doing here? This is opening night, right? Where the hell else would I be? Feel better? I've still got a little glue between the ears, but uh I'm running at about 80%.
Better than those schmucks in line out there.
Fuckers.
- Oh, Chivas.
Um - Yeah, there you go.
- Here we go.
- Okay, of course.
You're hiding it, I should have known.
Oh, my God, how'd you even get in? - I didn't see you.
- I came in through the back.
Not very fond of news vans nowadays.
Yeah.
Fuck, I didn't think you'd be here.
So I got Pryor to headline for me.
Well, sounds like good business.
Well, that's a nice attitude, Roy, but he joined the fucking line.
Does that sound like good business too? No.
That's just life.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
- Roy.
- Hey! - [AMANDA.]
Hi.
- How are you? - Uh, Carson's here.
- Fantastic.
Mm-hmm.
[SOFT MUSIC.]
You ready? Uh, send up the human sacrifices, and I'll be ready when it's time.
Hey.
Wait, where? - Hold that.
- Where you going? Eddie.
What the fuck are you doing here? What the fuck do you think I'm doing here? I'm a comic.
- No, I know, I just I - Look, make no mistake.
I'm still as fucking crazy as a shithouse rat.
Oh, that's an improvement.
[LAUGHS.]
What are you gonna do now? Well, I'm gonna do my month here, and then, I think I'm gonna be going to the Grand Bahamas.
Got a sweet gig at the Princess Hotel.
Beaucoup bucks, I don't have to pay any taxes.
Maybe I can get back on my feet financially.
- That's great.
- Yeah.
I'm glad you're doing better, Roy.
A little worried about you there for a while.
Yeah, well look, I'll be honest, I'm not out of the woods yet, but I'm I want you to come with me.
I want you to be my opening act.
- You're fucking with me.
- Y-yeah, actually, I am.
I brought you out into the alley because, uh, I was hoping to get a blowjob from a leprechaun.
That's what I need from you.
[STAMMERS.]
It's yes or no.
What Are you in or are you out? I'm in.
I'm definitely in.
Okay, good.
I got to get back in there.
This hack who's opening for me is closing with a Carol Channing impression.
Oh, he stole my act.
[LAUGHS.]
[EDDIE.]
Hey, Roy, uh Thank you.
And I you know, sorry about all the strike stuff on the night your club's opening.
Look, if I wasn't a part owner in this joint, I'd be on that line with you.
Yeah.
[CHUCKLES.]
[INDISTINCT CHANTING, SHOUTING.]
[RON.]
Hey, hey.
What, you take a leak? No, I was actually just talking to Roy.
- Roy Martin? - Yeah.
- He's here? - Yeah, and he's gonna fucking go up too.
Well, I hate that we're gonna miss that.
I'd love to see how he incorporates drooling into his act.
No, he actually seems fine.
He got a two month gig in the Grand Bahamas starting next month, and uh he asked me to open for him.
Get the fuck out of here.
Oh! [GRUNTS.]
- Oh.
- Congrats, buddy.
Yeah, it's so out of the blue, it hasn't sunk in yet, you know? I guess Tanzania's out.
- Ah, shit.
- No, it's fine, I don't - I'm sorry, man.
- Fuck it.
Roy will be dead in a month or so, we'll go then.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
Oh.
This is so fucking boring.
Can we just strike in spirit and go get some beer somewhere? - After you, Mr.
Chavez.
- All right, yeah.
I'm with management now, I can't do this.
[EDDIE.]
My fucking feet are killing me.
- [RON.]
Yeah, I'm sure, Morris.
- I am half crazy [RON.]
Yes, thank you.
- All for the love of you - [RON.]
Sure.
Yeah.
No, I I think it's great too.
Um, no, I do, I do.
I think it's great.
Okay.
Talk to you tomorrow.
Bye.
Finally.
Probably missed three takeout order in time it take for you to kiss other man's asshole.
- Daisy, Daisy - [CHUCKLES.]
You'll be the bell which I'll ring, you know Sweet little daisy bell [GRUNTS.]
So? [INHALES.]
So I guess I'm a millionaire.
You you do know just because I can't go to Africa, it doesn't mean that you have to be a millionaire.
No, yeah, I I know, I, um I think it's gonna be good, you know? I think it'll be different.
I-I'm gonna be a producer now, so I'll have creative control.
Like, I can finally make the show focus on real mailman issues.
- Mm-hmm.
- You know, dogs, back pain.
- Lonely widows.
- Where to pee.
Yeah, driving a car with no doors.
- Uh-huh.
- You don't think that's draining? I just want to make sure, because when you said that you were gonna bail, it's the happiest, I think, I've seen you I'm talking ever.
I think I just I just need some time to think about it.
You know, it just feels like everything is coming at me a million miles an hour lately.
Oh, because it is.
I'll tell you the first thing I'ma change as a producer.
Getting rid of that fucking catchphrase.
Oh, you know what it should be? "Special delivery!" And it should be you with a giant hard-on.
Well, in your case, a small hard-on, - but that's what it should be.
- [LAUGHING.]
Taking five now, must make time for bathroom.
I guess when you got to go, you got to go, huh? You know, the crazy part is I don't see a ring on that finger.
You know, we should probably do something about this uh, dead air.
That's what I was thinking too.
[GRUNTING.]
Hey, stupid boys, what are you doing? Hello, older Jewish clientele.
My name is Ron Shack.
Um, this is my friend, who's actually just a younger, less traumatized version of you.
- Oh, I wouldn't go there.
- Eddie Zeidel, everybody! You may remember me from such classic lines as "We're out of the split pea," and "no substitutions on any entrees.
" And let's not forget, "no, there's not a key to the restroom.
Someone is in the restroom.
" Some of you may know me as Benny the Mailman.
Benny, in the flesh.
A couple television owners in the house.
How are you, sir? Can we get another IV of chicken noodle over here, Gracja, table four, please? I'm actually worried about this guy.
Sir, are Have you been dry aged? I think I saw you on a hook in the back.
How would you folks like some comedy before you ease into your final nap? It's nice to see everybody here tonight.
I love Donimirski's.
Love the large portions.
Actually, I don't know what's bigger.
This guy's sandwich, or his prostate.
A lot of diversity in the crowd tonight though, Eddie.
- You know, I see, uh - A lot of diversity.
Yeah, I see we have old Jews with high blood pressure.
Old Jews with Alzheimer's, old Jews with lupus.
I mean, every major disease is present and accounted for.
- Do the Benny time! - Yeah.
Okay.
Uh, I will, but I got to warn you, sir, there's been a slight change to the catchphrase for this this next season.
Um, we'll see what you think.
Come on, Eddie, will you? No problem, this is this is An exclusive sneak peak here, of uh oh.
It's Benny time! [LAUGHS.]
- Look at that, they love it.
- Out.
We're gonna be here all night, folks.
Plenty more where that came from.
- In this day and age? - Yes.
And someone like a family member was okay with it? [EDGAR.]
Hey, yo.
I was just talking to a waitress out back.
It's a fucking disaster in there.
- [RALPH.]
Ah, good.
- She's got Bill Barilko opening up for Roy.
Shut up, fuck that.
- Barilko? - Barilko? Man, he was bumped from The Cellar like, a month ago.
- Yeah.
- Might as well have a comic with a white flag just waiting for Roy.
- Knock knock.
- Who's there? - Barilko.
- Barilko who? Exactly, you greedy bitch.
[LAUGHTER.]
I gotta admit, I cannot wait to see her come crawling back to us when this shit blows up in her smug fucking face.
Kiss my white ass! [LAUGHS.]
Why is that funny? Why is any of this shit fucking funny? What is this, the Stockholm syndrome talking? No, I understand why this is good for us, but I don't think y'all need to take so much glee in it.
Aw, come on, Cass.
It's just a little gallows humor.
W-What's the deal, you think that's your friend in there? Because of what, stage time? Because of the failed special she got you to do when she couldn't get who she really wanted? - [RALPH.]
Bill.
- I'm being serious.
- What do you think this is? - You wouldn't understand.
You think she's gonna take care of you? She doesn't give a shit about her own daughter.
She turned her back on her kid.
It's true.
- Take this.
- Where you going? Hey, are you serious? Cass.
You're gonna fuck all of us out of getting paid because you feel guilty.
There's more than one kind of currency, Bill.
[BILL.]
What does that even mean? What are you talking about? Cass, if you cross, you fuck each and every one of us.
Why did you do this? Really, why did you really start this? Look around.
For these people.
These comics that bust their ass, that get onstage, that put butts in the seats, and they got to beg for two bucks for a cheeseburger.
I believe in the strike.
But a pound of flesh is something different.
[BILL.]
Don't go in there, Cass, Cass Cass, Cass.
[EDGAR.]
Did she just say "pound of flesh"? [BILL.]
Bullshit.
They're not gonna accept you back if you cross.
Maybe acceptance is overrated.
[EXHALES.]
Maybe this all is.
Dramatic music - Life is good, right? - [CHEERS.]
Oh, it's good.
Now listen, I know a lot of you saw out on the marquee that Richard Pryor was gonna be here tonight.
Unfortunately, he decided to, uh, join the protesters outside because as we know, Pryor cannot, uh, say no to a line.
- Because - [LAUGHTER.]
Well, the electroshock didn't hurt.
He's tearing the roof off this place, that's for sure.
Maybe I should throw a toaster in my bath before my meeting with Johnny tomorrow.
- When do I go up? - After Roy.
[CHUCKLES.]
Frying pan into the fire.
Hey, you knew that walking in here.
True.
What are you doing here? You were right.
- [ALVIRA.]
About what? - Everything.
You find Jesus again? No, um Me.
You tried to show me, and I wouldn't look.
I couldn't look, because it Hey, V.
[ALVIRA.]
Just a minute.
Um I should have called.
Nah, the time for calling was six weeks ago.
[ALVIRA.]
I'm glad you finally figured out who you are.
Now don't come back here again.
- Bye-bye.
- Love you! Shitty stage.
Yeah, I think that's when I lost them, was with the anal sex joke.
Yeah, well, in all fairness,most Jews love anal sex jokes.
- Right.
- They were just tired in there.
[LAUGHS.]
- Ah.
- What happened? Fucking Gracja nailed me in the elbow.
Oh, my God.
Oh, you know, when she grabs that ladle, you got to run.
[GROANS.]
She's deceptively strong.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
I'm gonna miss this.
- You miss what? - This, this.
Just hanging out, being idiots.
Well, who says we're gonna stop being idiots? Ah, we won't stop entirely, but you know, it'll just be if we go out to dinner, special occasions.
Hey, nothing's gonna change as far as we go.
We're always gonna be there for each other, and we're always gonna be idiots, no matter where we are.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
Yeah, you're probably right.
Sorry, just being the only uncircumcised guy in a room, I get so reflective.
[EDDIE.]
Yeah, I don't like this.
[LAUGHS.]
[BOTH GROAN.]
Where to now? I think I got to go home.
I'm fucking beat.
Oh, I got the cure for that right here, buddy.
[LAUGHTER.]
What are you I got to go to sleep.
Fucking so do you.
I have a hard time falling asleep while it's still dark out.
I'll drop you off.
"Let It Loose" by The Rolling Stones But you're missing out.
I don't know about that.
I'm Nick.
I'm an addict and alcoholic.
And I've been clean five weeks and two days.
[SCATTERED APPLAUSE.]
And I'm hip to what she'll do Give her just about a month or two Give her just about a month or two Bit off more than I can chew [SNORTING.]
Whoo! [LAUGHS.]
Yeah, I knew what it was all leading to Some things, well, I can't refuse I can't refuse I can't refuse One of them, one of them the bedroom blues One of them, the bedroom blues [SNIFFS.]
She delivers right on time I can't resist a corny line Can't resist it But take the shine right off your shoes Yeah, right off your shoes Carrying, carrying the bedroom blues Carrying the bedroom blues In the bar, you're getting drunk Let it loose, let it all come down Let it loose, let it all come down Let it loose, let it all come down [QUIET ELECTRICAL HUMMING.]