In Living Color (1990) s02e10 Episode Script

You can do what you wanna do In living color - In living color- You know what I'm sayin' You can do what you wanna do - In living color- In living color You can walk on the moonFloat like a balloon You see, it's never too lateand it's never too soon - Take it from me It's a'ight to be - In living color And how would you feel knowingprejudice was obsolete And all mankind dancedto the exact beat - And at night it was safeto walk down the street - In living color You can do what you wanna do In living color In living color You can do what you wanna do - In living color- In living color Everybody hereis equally kind Everybody hereis equally kind Everybody, everybodyeverybody, everybody - Everybody here is equally kind - In living color What's mine is yoursand what's yours is mine In living c-c-c-olor You can do what you wanna doin living color - In living color- You know what I'm sayin' You can walk on the moonFloat like a balloon You see, it's never too lateand it's never too soon - Take it from me It's a'ight to be - In living color You can do what you wanna doin living color [Audience Applauding, Cheering.]
Ladies and gentlemen, Keenen Ivory Wayans.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Well, once again, me and my crew come here to do our thing.
Glad you could join us.
Sit back.
Have some fun.
Shawn, set it off.
You can do what you wanna doin living color In living color - All right, pal.
- Wow.
- Great place.
- Food looks great too.
Love the ambience.
Man, they always give this table to the brothers.
- Great.
- How'd they know we were related? Oh, well, you know, Tom.
Everybody knows the Brothers Brothers.
We're celebrities, gosh darn it.
[Chuckles.]
I mean, why do you think they always put us in the back by the kitchen? - Oh.
- So people won't mob us.
- Oh, is that it? - Yeah.
Wow.
Those must be our dates.
- Yes.
- One of'em's a great looker.
I know, but lookat the other one.
Eww.
- Hi, I'm Theresa.
- Hi, I'm Pam.
- Hi.
How are you? - Hi, Pam.
- You must be the Toms.
- Yeah, that we are.
- Toms.
Have a seat.
- Have a seat.
- Oh, thanks.
- Careful.
- You okay? Watch your legs.
- [Gasps.]
So, what do you gals dofor a living? - Well, I'm a hand model.
- No! - Yeah! - Oh, great.
I'm in my third year of medical school.
When I graduate, I plan on opening a clinic in the inner city.
[Together.]
Wow.
A hand model.
- Yeah.
Look at this.
- Wow.
- Whoa-hoa! Boy.
- How do you do that? Well, it's pretty tricky, but I studied.
- Look like an "A" student to me, wouldn't you say? - Thanks.
- [Rock.]
- Hey.
Wow! Tom! "California Girls," man, our favorite song! Hey, it's my favorite song too! - No.
- Yes! Let's go out there and dance our boogie-woogie stuff.
.
.
on the dance floor with the get-down baby! [Screams.]
- Watch yourself.
Watch yourself.
- Oh! How can I watch myself? I'll watch you for you.
He's so much hipper than I am.
Just look at him go.
Go, Tom.
Tom, go under.
Look at those moves.
Don't you just love this song? Huh, actually, I prefer rap.
I like the political statement it makes.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Uh, you know, that, I think, is very important.
- Yeah.
- I mean, that's why I like "Don't Worry, Be Happy," - because it has a very powerful message.
- Yeah.
Well, I suppose.
- Oh, you're so.
.
.
- Whoo! - That was great.
- Watch yourself.
- Okay! [Giggling.]
- That was great, Tom.
- Hey, Tom, you'll never guess, man.
- What? - Marcia's her favorite Brady too! - Get outta here! Remember this one? "Oh, my nose!" - "Marcia Bumps Her Nose," 1972! I remember that.
- Yes! - I got one.
! I got one.
! - What? [Singing.]
- I love Patty Duke! - Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
- How about this one? - All right.
Go.
[Singing.]
- Don't remember that? - Would you like to order? What's that? Oh, it's the theme from TheJeffersons.
You don't remember that? - Thomas Jefferson had a series? - No.
No, it was about a successful black businessman.
.
.
who moved to the East Side of New York.
- That's not gonna last long at all.
- There goes the neighborhood.
Hey, I've got a great idea.
- What? - Let's all dance! Wow! You're just so smart! - Come on.
- [Squealing.]
Wow! - Race ya.
- I know.
Let's do the bunny hop.
[Pam.]
I love the bunny hop.
! Hey, sister, can I get you anything? Yeah, you can tell those two Toms something from me.
[Whispering, Indistinct.]
Bolly-lolly-lolly Oh! Hop! Hop! Hop! - Bump! Let's do the bump! - Oh, okay.
- Bumping.
- Oh, this is too much for me, Tom.
Oh, my goodness.
- I feel dizzy.
- You are such a great dancer.
Thanks.
- Hey, wait a minute.
- [Together.]
What? - Where is Theresa? - Oh! She left.
And she said to tell you two Toms.
.
.
you make Bryant Gumbel look like Flavor Flav.
- Wow.
- Who's Flavor Flav? I know the guy, and Bryant better get his teeth fixed, 'cause that's not attractive.
I gotta tell ya.
I wouldn't want to look like Flavor Flav, or be named after him.
What's he gonna name his kid, Taste-o Taste-o? - You're so witty.
- You make us feel so great.
- Oh, gosh.
- I don't even know how to say it in words.
- Well, Tom, I got an idea.
- What is it, Tom? - How about we say it in a song? - You're a smart Tom.
- Hey, busboy, bring us our instruments.
- Busboy.
- Wow.
Just like an Elvis movie.
- Thanks, boy.
[Folk.]
You dance with your thumbs up You wear saddle shoes You don't have opinions that challenge our views Your skin is so creamy Your eyes are so blue We're a match made in heaven 'cause we're just like you We're a match made in heaven 'Cause we're just like you [Man Narrating.]
Over 5,000 inmates are prisoners.
.
.
not only of their cells,but of illiteracy.
That's why Barbara Bushis tearing down those bars.
.
.
with her "Read in Jail"campaign.
Here's Buddy.
He just, uh, started your program.
[Clearing Throat.]
Thanks to your program, I can read my sentence now.
[Haltingly.]
"Tri-ple life sen-sentence.
.
.
"with n-n-no hope.
.
.
for parole.
" - Congratulations.
- Well, now, let me introduce you toJohn here.
You know, he's a real success story.
Thank you, Mrs.
Bush.
Before I could read, I was forced to rob convenience stores for a living.
But since joining your literacy program.
.
.
a whole new world has been opened up to me.
.
.
embezzlement.
Yeah, we're so proud of him.
And finally here, there's, uh, Oswald.
[Clears Throat.]
He's one of our, uh, most enthusiastic students.
- [Clears Throat.]
- Oh, yeah.
The pancreatic philosophy of your book, you understand.
.
.
has "syphillized" the shaft, you dig? And opened my "mucal" membranes, you understand.
.
.
to a world.
.
.
oh, yes.
.
.
a world of nocturnal commissions.
- Warden, may I? - Guard! Run a lockup.
So, what you're saying then, Oswald.
.
.
is that the viscous "mammarian" glands.
.
.
- Mm-hmm.
- Which "scrofulate" my work.
.
.
- Right.
- Clearly disembowel the "placentitude".
.
.
of the very "recticitality".
.
.
- Uh-huh.
- Of my virtue.
Ah, exactly.
"Pubile.
" - It is the quasi-menstrual.
.
.
- Mm-hmm.
- Excuse me, Quasimodo.
.
.
- Point taken.
Phlebitis that makes your book so, uh.
.
.
[Sniffs.]
Clitoric.
- Oh, yes.
- And reminiscent of the Oedipus.
.
.
or the "Pedipus," depending on which end is up.
Uh! I think I'm beginning to see the light.
The entire premise of my book was wrong.
- Way off.
- Well, I'd better start on a new version immediately.
[Narrator.]
Barbara Bush.
Doing her part in the fight against illiteracy.
[Dance.]
Hey, Evelyn Woods.
.
.
purchase the product or vacate the premises.
What are you supposed to be, a Guardian Angel? No, I'm not, nor do I care to be.
.
.
even if they reconsider my application.
- So, uh, who are you? - My name is Dickie Peterson.
.
.
Cherub ofJustice.
.
.
here to protect and serve! So what? So get yourself a library card.
[Scoffs, Chuckles.]
Oh, brother.
- [Radio Static.]
- Situation resolved.
- Hey, Frank, how's it goin' tonight? - Hey, Dickie, how you doin'? - Pretty good.
Pretty good.
Sorry I'm late though.
- Good.
Uh, you don't really have to be on time, Dickie.
You don't really work here.
Yeah, well, that's no excuse.
I better put myself on report.
- Excuse me.
- Dickie, I got a customer here, all right? - Come on.
- Okay, Frank.
I better check into home base.
- [Static.]
- Woodchuck to Gray Squirrel.
Woodchuck to Gray Squirrel.
- Come in Gray Squirrel.
- [Woman.]
Dickie? Is that you, Dickie? Mom, the code name is Woodchuck.
You're supposed to use the code name.
I don't care what the code name is.
It's 4:00 in the morning, and if you don't get your butt home right now.
.
.
- Maintain radio silence! - [Static.]
- What's he, one of these Guardian Angels? - Uh, no.
No.
No, I'm not, nor do I care to be.
.
.
even if they decide to return my phone calls.
Uh, how much did you say this was? - I think it was 79 cents.
- Hmm, I thought it was 89.
Hold it.
I'll be right back.
Dickie, man, you don't have to.
.
.
Eighty-nine cents.
!Hold that guy.
! Thanks, Dickie.
That's what I'm here for, Frank.
You got away with your little scam this time.
Next time you're goin' down.
Get lost.
Yo, man! What's up with that? - It's okay, Frank.
It's okay.
- Yo, man.
He can run, but he can't hide.
Someday I'll see him in the street, and then boom! Death touch.
Hey, was it worth it, Mr.
10-Cent Discrepancy? Dickie, calm down.
You're gonna get in trouble, man.
- You're my best friend, Frank.
- I am? Possibly the closest friend I've ever had.
Really? You want to terminate that friendship, Frank? Then don't tell me how to do my job! The duties of this trademark yellow beret must always come first.
Now if you'll excuse me.
.
.
I'd better give that parking lot a once-over.
Frank, you're not gonna believe.
.
.
- what's goin' on on that bench outside! - What? What? - What? What? - Woodchuck to Gray Squirrel.
Woodchuck to Gray Squirrel.
- We have a situation here.
- A guy and a girl makin' out, Dickie.
- What? - It's just a guy and a girl makin' out.
- Hey, get your hands off her! And your tongue too! - Di-Dickie! - [Blows Landing.]
- Man, Dickie.
- Why don't you just mind your.
.
.
- [Grunts.]
- [Panting.]
- Dickie, what is wrong with you, man? Hey, are you all right, man? Crazy chick.
I had him down on the ground, and she just started kicking me.
That's appreciation for ya.
Man.
Let me see.
It's pretty bad.
Why don't you just go ahead on home, okay? - You mean back to the base? - Yeah, back to home base.
W-Why don't you get Gray Squirrel to put something on that.
All right? Okay, Frank.
If that's your preference.
Looks like everything here is pretty much under control now anyway.
Thanks to the Cherubs ofJustice.
Woodchuck to Gray Squirrel.
Woodchuck to Gray Squirrel.
- Situation resolved.
I'm comin' home.
- [Static.]
- See you tomorrow night, Frank.
- All right, Dickie.
Take it easy, man.
Uh-oh.
Spoke too soon.
Hey, where do you think you're going with that shopping cart? Dickie, man! Dickie! Damn! Ladies and gentlemen.
.
.
as you know, we voted at our September meeting.
.
.
to invite one of the poor unfortunates from our city streets.
.
.
to join us at our Thanksgiving luncheon.
Thank you.
It was felt that his presence here.
.
.
would make us appreciate the things we have.
.
.
as well as generally make us feel good for feeding a poor person.
So, without further ado.
.
.
here now is Anton Jackson.
Anton? [Brays.]
I hope I'm not too late.
The limo dropped me off too soon.
It had one of them bumpers you couldn't hang on to.
[Laughs.]
That's quite all right, Mr.
Jackson.
We've reserved a place for you.
Where, o-over there? Well, if you like.
Please feel free to pick your seat.
Oh, thanks.
I don't mind if I do.
These drawers been crawlin' up my behind all day.
[Sniffs.]
Oh! See here, old chap.
Wouldn't you like to freshen up before dinner? Cleanliness is next to Godliness, I say.
Oh, thanks a lot.
I wouldn't want the Lord.
.
.
to see me giving thanks with this up my nose.
Hey, could you put that in your napkin for me? Uh, Mr.
Jackson, as our guest.
.
.
would you like to say a few words? Oh, certainly.
I'd love to impose a toast, if I may.
There's wine.
Drink up.
May your liquor be cold.
.
.
your women be hot.
.
.
and all your problems slide off like snot.
Drink up, man.
Everybody drink up.
Mr.
Jackson, l.
.
.
I wonder if you wouldn't be so kind.
.
.
as to do the honors with the turkey.
Hey, I ain't never done nothin' with no turkey before! Who told you that? Clarence? He's lyin'.
Okay.
Once, when I was desperate.
And the turkey kept teasing me, going, "Gobble, gobble, gobble.
" No, eh, uh.
.
.
Mr.
Jackson, I was simply asking if you would like to cut the turkey.
Oh, I might as well.
I just cut the cheese.
[Laughs.]
How about a wing? Here's a wing for you.
You can have a wing.
I bet you like dark meat.
[Brays.]
How about a leg for you? Oh, look, the wishbone.
You feel lucky? [Brays.]
- Uh.
.
.
- Go ahead and take a pull.
U-Uh, Mr.
Jackson, if you'll just be seated, then I'll serve the turkey.
Oh, you'll serve the turkey.
All right, then I'll just serve the potatoes, the sweet p.
.
.
Hey, this gravy is cold.
Oh! Where you goin'? Where you goin', man? To the restroom.
I don't.
.
.
[Gags.]
- Feel well.
- Where you going? No need to go.
I travel with my own facilities.
- [Gasps.]
- Hey! Just put the lid back on.
What's wrong? Look, uh, Miss Mary? Hey, what about the honors? What about the rest of.
.
.
Hey, I'll see you later, baby.
I got my eye on you.
[Brays.]
All right, fellas, it worked.
Come on in.
Boo Boo! JoJo! Come on.
Get in here.
Come on.
Everybody, come on.
Come on in.
Pick a seat.
Pick your seat.
All right.
Before we eat, let's bow our heads and say thanks.
- [Together.]
Thanks.
- All right.
Let's eat.
I'd like to impose another toast.
Yeah, this is B.
Y.
O.
B.
B.
.
.
Bring your own bag, baby.
May we all be thankful for what we got.
[Joining In.]
And all our problems slide off like snot.
- Drink up.
- Just like snot.
All right.
Thank you.
We had a lot of fun tonight.
Takin' us home tonight is a young man I've had the pleasure of watching grow.
He used to be a D.
J.
For B.
D.
P.
, and now he's now out on his own.
Shawn, tell 'em who he is.
Some of them.
.
.
Some people call him the TR808.
I call him D Nice.
- Yo, D, drop some funk.
- [Cheering.]
[Hip-Hop.]
One, two.
.
.
Check it out.
For all of you who don't know who I am, my name is D Nice.
You know what I'm sayin'? And I'm live on In Living Color.
And I'm gonna break it down like this.
[Rapping.]
[Continues.]
[Continues.]
[Ends.]