Inside Comedy (2012) s02e10 Episode Script
Robert Schimmel
[music.]
- ROBERT, TELL ME HOW YOU GOT STARTED.
- SO, UH, I'M MARRIED.
I HAVE A DAUGHTER THAT'S SIX MONTHS OLD.
I'M LIVING IN SCOTTSDALE, ARIZONA.
COME TO VISIT MY SISTER HERE IN L.
A.
, AND SHE TAKES ME TO THE IMPROV ONE NIGHT, AND IT'S AMATEUR NIGHT.
I HAD NO INTENTION OF GOING UP.
I NEVER SAW MYSELF AS DOING STAND-UP PROFESSIONALLY, AND MY SISTER SIGNED ME UP WITHOUT TELLING ME.
NEXT THING I KNOW, BUDD FRIEDMAN'S ONSTAGE, GOING "ROBERT SCHIMMEL.
" - YOU DIDN'T KNOW-- SHE DIDN'T TELL YOU WHILE YOU WERE SITTING THERE? - AND I'M LIKE, "WHAT?" AND SHE GOES, "COME ON, YOU'RE FUNNY LIKE THESE GUYS.
GET UP THERE.
" SO I GO UP, I DO TWO MINUTES ABOUT BEING A STEREO SALESMAN AND THAT I'M NOT REALLY A COMEDIAN, I DON'T BELONG THERE, AND BUDD'S LAUGHING IN THE BACK OF THE ROOM.
AND I GET OFF, AND HE GOES, "STEREO SALESMAN, I LOVE IT.
" I SAID, "NO, THAT'S WHAT I DO.
" - "I'M A STEREO SALESMAN.
" - HE SAID, "CALL IN FOR SPOTS.
" WELL, THAT'S ALL I HAD TO HEAR.
I MEAN, I'M IN THERE, LENO'S IN THERE, GEORGE WALLACE, UH, ROBIN WILLIAMS.
I MEAN, EVERYBODY'S HANGING OUT IN THOSE DAYS.
THIS IS, LIKE, - SO NONE OF THEM ARE FAMOUS.
- NO.
- THEY'RE JUST DEVELOPING THEMSELVES.
- BUT YOU KNOW THEM ALL FROM TV.
- SURE.
- AND, UH, SO I GO HOME AND TELL MY WIFE I WANT TO BE A COMEDIAN.
WE PUT THE HOUSE UP FOR SALE.
QUIT MY JOB, PACK ALL OUR STUFF IN A U-HAUL, WE DRIVE TO L.
A.
WE'RE GONNA LIVE WITH MY SISTER ON FAIRFAX AND MELROSE UNTIL WE CAN FIND AN APARTMENT.
I GET OFF THE HOLLYWOOD FREEWAY ON THE MELROSE EXIT, SO I COULD SHOW MY WIFE THE IMPROV WHERE I WAS GONNA BE WORKING, AND IT BURNED DOWN THE NIGHT BEFORE WE GOT THERE.
- OH, MY GOD.
OH, MY GOD.
[laughter.]
- AND IT WAS STILL SMOLDERING.
AND BUDD WAS OUTSIDE WITH THE FIRE GUYS AND EVERYTHING.
AND HE DIDN'T REMEMBER ME.
HE DIDN'T REMEMBER SAYING "CALL IN FOR SPOTS" OR ANY OF THAT STUFF.
- YOU CHANGE YOUR WHOLE LIFE, HE DIDN'T REMEMBER YOU, AND THE PLACE WAS BURNED DOWN ANYWAY.
SO THAT'S A GOOD START.
YOU KNOW, THAT'S-- THAT'S A HEALTHY START TO BE A STAND-UP COMEDIAN.
- AFTER THAT, I, UH, GOT A DAY JOB.
MY WIFE GOT A DAY JOB.
I STARTED WRITING FOR JIMMIE WALKER AND GABE KAPLAN, WHICH WAS A LOT OF FUN, PITCHING JOKES AT A TEXAS HOLD'EM TABLE, AND, UH-- [laughter.]
WELL, THAT'S HOW YOU HAD TO DO IT.
- WAS HE INTO THAT AT THE TIME? - OH, YEAH.
- OH, REALLY? - I HAD TO GO TO GARDENA AND MEET HIM AT A CARD CLUB.
- SO HE WAS ALWAYS INTO THIS POKER THING? - IT WAS THIS OTHER COMIC, BARRY MARDER, AND ME AND SOMEBODY ELSE ALL PITCHING JOKES, AND HE WAS GOING, "HOLD ON A SECOND.
OKAY, FOLD.
WHAT'S THE JOKE?" AND WE WERE LIKE, "THIS ISN'T SHOW BUSINESS.
" THEN, UH, I WROTE FOR JOAN RIVERS.
WELL, I DIDN'T REALLY WRITE FOR HER-- SHE TOOK MY MATERIAL.
UH-- [laughter.]
- RIGHT.
- I HAD A JOKE ABOUT THIS BREAST-ENLARGING CREAM.
OR, ACTUALLY, IT WASN'T BREAST-ENLARGING CREAM-- IT WAS SOMETHING ELSE ENLARGING CREAM-- BUT I SAID THAT IF YOU RUB THAT ON, WOULDN'T YOUR HANDS GET BIGGER TOO? AND SHE CAME OVER TO ME AND SAID, "I WANNA BUY THAT.
I'LL GIVE YOU 25 BUCKS.
" AND I SAID, "I'M NOT GONNA GIVE YOU A JOKE FOR 25 DOLLARS.
" SHE GOES, "OKAY," AND LEAVES, AND ALL MY FRIENDS GO, "SHOULDA TAKEN THE 25.
" TWO MONTHS LATER, SHE'S ON THE TONIGHT SHOW-- "YEAH, I JUST BOUGHT THIS BREAST-ENLARGING CREAM, AND MY GLOVES DON'T FIT.
" SO, UH-- - HOW DID THAT MAKE YOU FEEL? PISSED? - YEAH.
- YEAH.
RIGHT.
- AND I TOLD SOMEBODY AT THE COMEDY STORE, AND THEY SAID, "WELL, THAT'S THE WAY IT WORKS IN L.
A.
-- WHOEVER GETS IT ON TV FIRST, IT'S THEIRS.
" - WOW.
- SO, UH, I DECIDED TO JUST TALK ABOUT THINGS THAT HAPPENED IN MY REAL LIFE THAT PEOPLE-- IT WOULD BE HARD FOR THEM TO STEAL.
- 'CAUSE IT'S YOUR LIFE.
- YEAH.
SO THEN I WOUND UP BEING AT THE IMPROV ONE NIGHT, AND THEY ASKED ME TO DO STAR SEARCH, WHICH I DID NOT BELONG ON.
- [laughs.]
YES.
THAT WAS ED MCMAHON'S SHOW.
STAR SEARCH.
- AND THEY ALL SAID BOB BANNER.
AND THEY ALL SAID, "OH, THIS'LL BE A GREAT GOOF," YOU KNOW, "YOU ON STAR SEARCH? "JUST GO OUT THERE AND JUST BOMB ON PURPOSE, AND THROW THE SHOW.
" SO I SAID OKAY.
I GO OUT, DO THE WORST STUFF YOU COULD DO.
- I MEAN, THEY WANTED YOU TO DELIBERATELY BE BAD? - NO, MY FRIENDS WANTED ME TO BE BAD.
- OH, RIGHT, RIGHT.
- AND COMICS LOVE TO MAKE OTHER COMICS LAUGH BECAUSE WE'RE STUPID.
SO, UH, 'CAUSE OTHER COMICS DON'T PAY TO COME AND SEE YOU.
SO WHEN THEY SAY YOU'RE THE COMICS' COMIC, THAT MEANS YOU'RE NOT MAKING ANY MONEY.
- EXACTLY.
- SO I GO OUT THERE AND DO A HORRIBLE SET.
I MEAN, THING THAT ARE SO INAPPROPRIATE FOR STAR SEARCH-- AND I WIN.
[laughter.]
- SO--SO YOU'RE THE-- - I WIN.
- YOU'RE THE WINNER OF STAR SEARCH.
- SO I WIN - THAT'S INCREDIBLE.
I DIDN'T KNOW THAT ABOUT YOU AT ALL.
- I BEAT MIKE ROWE, WHO HAD JUST BEATEN RICHARD JENI.
AND JENI HAD WON, LIKE-- HE WAS THE FIRST PERSON TO WIN FOUR IN A ROW.
- UH-HUH.
- SO YOU KNOW, AT THE END OF THE SHOW, ALL THE WINNERS LINE UP ON STAR SEARCH, AND THEY'RE PLAYING THAT MUSIC.
ED MCMAHON WALKS DOWN THE ROW SHAKING EVERYBODY'S HANDS, SAYING, "GREAT STUFF.
" HE CAME OVER AND SHOOK MY HAND, AND HE SAID, "THAT WAS A GREAT SET.
- I SAID, "THANKS.
" AND AS SOON AS HE TURNED TO THE NEXT PERSON, I WENT, "SHUT UP, YOU FAT FUCK.
" AND THE CAMERA WAS RIGHT ON MY MOUTH.
AND AFTER THE SHOW, THEY CALLED ME INTO BOB BANNER'S OFFICE, AND THEY SAID, "YOU KNOW, YOU'RE NOT STAR SEARCH MATERIAL.
" - WOW.
- AND I LOST THE NEXT SHOW.
- WOW.
NOW, YOU WERE SAYING THAT TO BE FUNNY.
- YEAH.
- RIGHT.
YOU WEREN'T BEING SERIOUS ABOUT IT.
- NO, NO, NO.
HE WAS TRIM.
- HE WAS TRIM.
- UM [laughter.]
- DO YOU HAVE A FOLLOWING OFF OF STAR SEARCH? - UM, NO.
- NOT REALLY.
- NO.
AND AT THE SAME TIME, I WOUND UP WITH A SON THAT WAS REALLY SICK, AND HE HAD CANCER.
HE HAD BRAIN CANCER.
HIS NAME WAS DEREK.
AND SO THEN I HAD TO-- - HOW OLD WAS HE? - HE WAS THREE WHEN HE WAS DIAGNOSED, AND HE PASSED AWAY IN '92.
HE WAS 11.
AND I HAD TO DO STAND-UP THE WHOLE TIME.
AND I DID EVERYTHING I COULD TO MAKE HIM LAUGH.
AND I FOUND THAT HUMOR IS-- I REALLY BELIEVE THAT THERE'S A LOT TO IT, I REALLY DO.
I THINK THAT WHEN YOUR LOVED ONES AND YOUR FRIENDS COME TO SEE YOU, WHETHER-- YOU KNOW, I HAD CANCER TOO-- WHEN YOU'RE SICK, AND THEY DON'T KNOW WHAT TO EXPECT, THAT IF YOU MAKE LIGHT OF YOUR SITUATION, THAT YOU LET THEM OFF THE HOOK EMOTIONALLY.
AND THEN THEY CAN BE THEMSELVES AROUND YOU.
'CAUSE YOU WALK IN A DOOR, AND YOU SEE A KID IN THERE, I MEAN, WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO? I MEAN, YOU KNOW, IS THERE ANYTHING FUNNY? WELL, I DID HOWARD STERN THE FIRST TIME, AND I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO EXPECT.
AND HE SAID, "YOU HAD A KID THAT DIED RECENTLY, RIGHT?" AND I'M LIKE, "WHAT? WHERE ARE YOU GOING WITH THIS?" - RIGHT.
RIGHT.
- SO I SAID, "YEAH, THE MAKE A WISH FOUNDATION "CAME TO OUR HOUSE, AND THEY WANTED "TO MAKE A WISH COME TRUE, AND I SAID THAT HIS WISH WAS TO WATCH DOLLY PARTON BLOW ME.
" AND [laughter.]
HOWARD WENT NUTS.
- [laughs.]
- THEY CUT TO A BREAK, BECAUSE WE WERE ON KROQ.
- RIGHT.
- AND WHEN WE CAME BACK, HE SAID, "YOU CAN BE ON THE SHOW FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.
" HE SAID THAT WAS THE BEST ANSWER ANYBODY COULD HAVE COME UP WITH.
- THAT IS SO GREAT.
- AND I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO, AND IT WAS ALMOST LIKE EVERYTHING WAS IN SLOW MOTION.
AT THAT MOMENT, WHEN HE ASKED ME THAT QUESTION, IT WAS IN MY HEAD--WHAT DO I DO? - RIGHT.
- TELL HIM TO GO SCREW HIMSELF AND JUST STORM OUT OF THERE? OR TRY AND MAKE THE BEST OF IT? - RIGHT.
- WELL, WALKING OUT WOULDN'T HAVE ACCOMPLISHED ANYTHING.
- RIGHT.
- AND, YOU KNOW, THIS, YOU KNOW, UH - SET A PATTERN FOR YOU.
- SET A PATTERN FOR ME.
AND FOR ME AND HIM.
- AND FOR HIM.
I'M A HUGE FAN OF HOWARD STERN, AND I LOVE IT WHEN YOU'RE ON.
SO IT'S ECSTASY.
I NEVER LEAVE MY CAR.
- SO DOES MY EX-WIVES' ATTORNEYS.
UH - IF YOU SAY ANYTHING ABOUT THEM THERE, THEY'RE MARKING DOWN.
- OH, BOY.
- REALLY? SO HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU BEEN DIVORCED NOW? - THIS WILL BE MY FOURTH TIME, BUT ONLY THE SECOND PERSON.
- SO FOURTH TIME, SECOND PERSON.
- IT'S NOT AS BAD AS IT LOOKS.
I MARRIED MY FIRST WIFE, AND SHE WASN'T JEWISH, AND MY PARENTS WENT NUTS.
HER PARENTS WENT NUTS 'CAUSE THEY DIDN'T WANT HER TO MARRY A JEWISH GUY.
SO WE GOT IT ANNULLED AFTER ABOUT SIX MONTHS.
MY PARENTS WANTED IT ANNULLED.
THEY WANTED NO RECORD THAT IT EXISTED.
- I GUESS.
- BUT WE STILL SEE EACH OTHER.
WE STILL LOVE EACH OTHER.
- OH.
- BUT IT WAS THE PARENTAL INTERFERENCE THAT RUINED-- - BOTH SIDES OF PARENTS NOT ACCEPTING JEWISH OR WHATEVER.
- SO THEN SHE GETS PREGNANT AND CALLS ME UP AND SAYS, "WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO?" AND I'M, LIKE, "WE?" UM [laughter.]
SO WE GET MARRIED - YEAH.
- BUT SHE'S AFRAID TO TELL HER PARENTS.
HER DAD'S A 20-YEAR MARINE GUY.
HE LITERALLY LOOKS LIKE LEE ERMEY FROM FULL METAL JACKET.
I MEAN, THAT'S HER DAD.
- RIGHT.
- SO SHE'S HOME UNTIL SHE'S, LIKE, SIX, SEVEN MONTHS PREGNANT-- UNTIL SHE'S SHOWING.
AND THEN HER MOM GOES, "WHAT'S GOING ON?" - SHE SAID, "I'M PREGNANT.
" AND THEY'RE GOING, "WHAT?" "OH, IT'S NOT WHAT YOU THINK.
ROBERT AND I ARE MARRIED.
" AND THEN THEY'RE GOING, "WHAT ARE YOU LIVING HERE FOR?" SO THEN SHE CALLS ME AND SAYS, "MY PARENTS THINK WE SHOULD LIVE TOGETHER IF WE'RE HAVING CHILDREN.
" SO NOW I'VE GOTTA LEAVE MY PARENTS, AND I GOTTA MOVE IN WITH HER.
AND THEN WE HAVE MY DAUGHTER.
THEN IT'S NO GOOD.
THEN WE GET RECONC-- THEN WE SEPARATE.
THEN WE RECONCILE, THEN WE GET DIVORCED.
- GOD.
- THEN I'M DOING STAND-UP.
SHE'S LIVING IN ARIZONA.
I VISIT HER IN ARIZONA, WE SPEND A WEEKEND TOGETHER TALKING ABOUT HOW CRAZY IT IS THAT, YOU KNOW-- THAT WE HAVE THIS BEAUTIFUL CHILD, AND WE'RE NOT TOGETHER, AND HOW DID WE LET EVERYTHING RUIN EVERY-- AND THE NEXT THING I KNOW, SHE CALLS ME UP AND SAYS SHE'S PREGNANT AGAIN AND, UH - STARTING ALL OVER AGAIN.
- SO THEN WE GET MARRIED AGAIN.
THEN WE GETSEPARATED.
THEN WE RECONCILE.
THEN WE LEGALLY SEPARATE.
- [laughing.]
- AND THEN WE GET DIVORCED.
THEN HER AND MY SON ARE LIVING IN ARIZONA.
I'M DOING STAND-UP IN L.
A.
AND I GO TO VISIT THE TWO OF THEM, AND, UH, SHE GETS PREGNANT AGAIN.
[laughter.]
AT THAT POINT, A FEW OF MY FRIENDS WANTED TO DO AN INTERVENTION AND GET ME A VASECTOMY IN A WALMART PARKING LOT.
[laughter.]
UH AND THEN IT WASN'T WORKING.
AND THEN, AFTER MY SON PASSED AWAY, IT'S A BIG STRAIN ON OUR RELATIONSHIP.
- I WOULD IMAGINE.
- AND ESP--AND MY WIFE, WHO-- WE ARE BEST FRIENDS RIGHT NOW.
I MEAN, WE GET ALONG GREAT.
BUT FOR HER, IT WAS VERY HARD FOR HER TO UNDERSTAND HOW WE COULD GO THROUGH A LOSS LIKE THAT, AND AT THE SAME TIME, ME ACTUALLY CARING ABOUT MAKING OTHER PEOPLE LAUGH IN AN AUDIENCE.
"HOW COULD YOU GO ONSTAGE AND BE FUNNY WHEN YOUR SON IS DYING?" - NOW, YOU COULD SEE HOW THAT WOULD-- COULD BOTHER HER, BUT IT'S - YES.
- NOT UNUS--IT'S NOT A DIFFICULT QUESTION FOR ME TO ANSWER.
- WELL, BECAUSE I WASN'T DYING.
- RIGHT.
- AND I HAD OTHER CHILDREN.
AND I DIDN'T WANT THEM TO FEEL LIKE SECOND-CLASS CITIZENS NEXT TO HIM.
AND THIS IS WHO I AM AND THIS IS WHAT I DO.
AND I DID THE SAME THING TO MAKE HIM LAUGH IN THE HOSPITAL.
AND I COULDN'T CHANGE.
CANCER WASN'T GONNA-- HIS THING WASN'T GONNA CHANGE ME.
- SO WHAT DID YOU--WHAT WERE YOU TALKING ABOUT ONSTAGE? - THAT.
- YEAH.
- THAT.
HAVING OTHER KIDS, SEX.
- RIGHT.
- PARENTS.
DO YOU KNOW, WHEN I WAS GROWING UP, MY MOM TOLD ME THAT WHEN YOU MASTURBATE, ALL YOUR DEAD RELATIVES ARE WATCHING.
[laughter.]
BUT THEN I FIGURED, "WHO ARE THEY GONNA TELL?" THAT WOULD BE PRETTY FUCKED UP IF THEY WERE.
THEN YOU'D DIE AND GET TO HEAVEN, AND YOUR UNCLE'S WAITING FOR YOU.
"HEY, BOBBY!" - SO TELL ME ABOUT YOUR PARENTS.
- MY DAD HAS ONE OF THE GREATEST SENSE OF HUMORS.
AND--AND SUCH A POSITIVE ATTITUDE FOR SOMEBODY THAT WENT THROUGH WHAT THEY WENT THROUGH.
- THEY'RE HOLOCAUST SURVIVORS, RIGHT? - YEAH, BOTH OF THEM.
AND, UH, THEY EXPOSED ME TO A LOT OF COMEDY.
MY PARENTS USED TO LISTEN TO LENNY BRUCE AND BELLE BARTH AND RUSTY WARREN AND - YES.
- MORT SAHL, AND YOU WERE ONE OF THEIR FAVORITES.
AND A LOT OF PEOPLE.
AND SO I WAS LUCKY.
AND I WATCHED ALL THE TIME.
MY MOM SAID, WHEN I WAS FIVE, I USED TO MIMIC JACKIE GLEASON.
- REALLY? - YEAH.
- AND I NEVER MISSED COMICS.
WHEN THEY WERE ON ED SULLIVAN, I DON'T CARE WHAT MY FRIENDS WERE DOING, I WAS WATCHING TV.
'CAUSE I WANTED TO WATCH COMEDIANS.
- AND THEY TOO? WERE THEY INTO COMICS IN THE SAME WAY? - YEAH.
YEAH.
- AND THE SEX.
I WAS PREOCCUPIED WITH SEX BECAUSE THAT'S ALL I HEARD IN MY PARENTS' HOUSE.
I MEAN, MY PARENTS WOULD GO, "GET TO YOUR ROOM!" AND THEN WE'D HEAR REDD FOXX AND RUSTY WARREN AND ALL THESE PEO-- I RE-- ALL I REMEMBER IS MY PARENTS AND THEIR FRIENDS LAUGHING DOWNSTAIRS IN A KIND OF LAUGH THAT ONLY THAT KIND OF HUMOR GETS.
- RIGHT.
- AND THE MINUTE YOU'D SNEAK DOWN, JEFFREY AND I WOULD SNEAK DOWN TO HEAR IT, AND MY PARENTS WOULD GO, "GET TO YOUR ROOM!" - RIGHT, 'CAUSE IT'S UNDERGROUND.
- YEAH.
- IT--YEAH, IT-- ESPECIALLY THEN.
- SO AS SOON AS--OH, YEAH.
SO AS SOON AS THEY WOULD LEAVE THE HOUSE, JEFFREY AND I WOULD, LIKE, SEARCH FOR THESE RECORDS AND LISTEN, KNOCKERS UP AND ALL THAT STUFF.
- YEAH, RUSTY WARREN AND BELLE BART.
ALL THAT STUFF, RIGHT.
- YEAH, AND SO-- AND I FOUND THAT, UM THERE WAS A COMMON DENOMINATOR BETWEEN THAT MATERIAL AND EVERY PERSON THAT EXISTED.
- SURE.
- THAT WE ALL HAVE THESE HANG-UPS ABOUT THESE THINGS.
AND THAT--THAT IF THERE WAS ANY STORY THAT WAS GONNA RING TRUE FROM THE BIBLE, FROM THE OLD TESTAMENT, THAT WOULD BE CON-- COULD BE TOLD IN CONTEMPORARY TERMS, IT'S-- IT'S ADAM AND EVE.
YOU COULD HAVE WHATEVER YOU WANT.
YOU'RE IN THE GARDEN OF EDEN.
THERE'S ETERNAL LIFE.
THERE'S NO SICKNESS.
THERE'S NO THIS.
THERE'S-- JUST DON'T EAT THE FRUIT FROM THIS ONE TREE, AND EVERYTHING'S-- WHERE DO THEY GO? THERE.
- TO THE FRUIT OF THAT TREE.
- WHERE DOES LENNY BRUCE GO? THE TREE.
- RIGHT.
- WHERE DID SAM GO? THE TREE.
WHERE DID DICE GO? THE TREE.
BECAUSE AS SOON AS-- AS SOON AS LENNY GOT BAD REVIEWS AND THEY SAID HE WAS OFFENSIVE AND IRREVERENT, THAT PEOPLE WERE WALKING OUT ON HIM, YOU COULDN'T GET TICKETS TO SEE THE GUY THE NEXT DAY.
- THAT'S TRUE.
- 'CAUSE EVERYBODY WANTED TO SEE HOW BAD HE REALLY WAS.
- CORRECT.
YEAH, YEAH.
- IT WORKS WITH BAD MOVIES.
- YEAH.
- SOMEBODY TELLS YOU A MOVIE'S HORRIBLE, THEY GO, "I GOTTA SEE IF IT'S REALLY THAT BAD.
" - RIGHT.
- BUT THE ANALOGY HERE IS-- IS THAT HE WAS STEPPING PAST A BOUNDARY.
- RIGHT.
- SO--SO THAT'S A ROLE MODEL FOR YOU, RIGHT? - IT IS.
- YOU DO THAT TOO.
- I DO THAT TOO.
- YOU LIKE TO PUSH THE AUDIENCE, RIGHT? AND YOU'RE--IT'S VERY EDGY, WHAT YOU'RE DOING, BECAUSE YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT YOUR REAL LIFE.
- BUT IT-- BUT IT IS MY REAL LIFE.
AND IT'S NOT-- I-I THINK MY SAVING GRACE IS THAT I AM NOT MALICIOUS ONSTAGE AND THAT I AM THE VICTIM OF MY HUMOR.
- RIGHT.
- SO I'M THE GUY THAT BRINGS THE PORNO MOVIE HOME TO MY WIFE AND SAY, "WHY DON'T WE DO THESE THINGS?" AND SHE SAYS, "WELL, WHEN YOU LOOK LIKE THAT GUY, THEN I'LL DO THAT STUFF.
" SO IT'S NEVER THE GIRL'S FAULT.
IT ALWAYS FALLS ON ME.
- RIGHT, RIGHT.
- AND I THINK THAT'S HOW I GET AWAY WITH IT.
AND I THINK THAT'S HOW, UH, YOU KNOW, RODNEY, ONE OF THE GUYS THAT I ADMIRED A LOT-- HIS SUCCESS WAS BECAUSE HE WAS EVERY MAN.
RODNEY SAID WHAT EVERY GUY THOUGHT BUT DIDN'T HAVE THE BALLS TO SAY OUT LOUD.
HE WOULD JUST SAY IT, JUST DIDN'T CARE.
- YEAH.
LIKE WHAT? WHAT WERE KIND OF THINGS THAT RODNEY WOULD DO THAT APPEAL TO YOU? - I MET HIM THE FIRST NIGHT AT THE BEVERLY HILTON HOTEL.
HE TOOK ME FOR DINNER.
WE CAME OUT.
MERV GRIFFIN WAS STANDING OUTSIDE, AND MERV CAME OVER AND SAID, "HEY, RODNEY, HOW YOU DOING?" AND HE SAID, "MERV, OKAY, EVERYTHING'S ALL RIGHT.
" AND SOON AS MERV TURNED AROUND, RODNEY WENT, "BIG FAG.
" [laughter.]
AND I SAID, "HE HEARD THAT.
THERE'S NO WAY HE DIDN'T HEAR THAT.
" HE SAID, "HE KNOWS, BOB.
" - YEAH, HE KNOWS.
[laughs.]
HE KNOWS, YOU KNOW, SO WHY SHOULDN'T I SAY THAT? - THEN, UM--YEAH.
- RIGHT.
- THEN I'M WITH HIM AT CAESARS PALACE, AND HE SAID, "BRING YOUR MOM AND DAD TO THE SHOW, "AND, YOU KNOW, I'LL MEET THEM AND SCHMOOZE WITH THEM, AND THEY'LL THINK YOU'RE REALLY IN SHOW BUSINESS.
" WOW, SO HE DOESN'T EVEN REALLY THINK I'M IN SHOW BUSINESS.
THEY'LL THINK-- WE SEE THE SHOW.
MY DAD GOES TO BED EARLY.
I TAKE MY MOM UP TO THE GREEN ROOM, KNOCK ON THE DOOR.
RODNEY ANSWERS IN A SILK ROBE-- THE ONE FROM EASY MONEY WITH THE PLAYING CARDS ON IT-- A JOINT IN ONE HAND, A MILLER LITE IN THE OTHER, AND HIS HAIR'S ALL MESSED UP.
AND HE GOES, "HEY, YOU MUST BE BOB'S MOM.
" AND I'M LIKE, "OH, MY GOD.
" AND HE ASKS HER OUT.
- REALLY, FOR REAL? - YEAH, YEAH.
HE GOES, "COME ON, LET'S GO OUT.
" HE SAID, "YOUR HUSBAND'S SLEEPING.
" AND MY MOM SAID, "I'M GONNA GO DOWN AND PLAY CRAPS WITH RODNEY.
" I SAID, "MOM, DON'T.
" I SAID, "PLEASE DON'T GO WITH RODNEY.
"HE'S GONNA BE TELLING EVERYBODY WHAT YOU GUYS DID.
NOW COME ON.
" - DID SHE GO OUT-- - SHE SAID, "I'M NOT DOING ANYTHING.
" YEAH.
- SHE WENT DOWN AND PLAYED CRAPS WITH HIM? - SHE PLAYED CRAPS WITH HIM, AND HE WAS IN HIS ROBE, PLAYING IN THE CASINO AT 2:00 IN THE MORNING.
[cheers and applause.]
- WHAT A CROWD, WHAT A CROWD.
I'LL TELL YOU THAT, BOY.
NO, I'LL TELL YOU, I'LL TELL YOU.
I'M ALL RIGHT NOW, BUT LAST WEEK I WAS IN ROUGH SHAPE, YOU KNOW? YEAH, LAST WEEK I BOUGHT A USED CAR.
I FOUND MY WIFE'S DRESS IN THE BACK SEAT.
[laughter and applause.]
I MEAN, WITH MY WIFE, THERE'S ALWAYS SOMETHING.
OUR ANNIVERSARY, I TOOK HER TO DINNER.
I MADE A TOAST TO THE BEST WOMAN A MAN EVER HAD.
THE WAITER JOINED ME.
MY WIFE-- OH, THE OTHER NIGHT SHE TOLD ME SHE WANTS TO TRY SOMETHING WILD.
SHE TIED ME TO THE BED.
THEN SHE PUT HER CLOTHES ON AND WENT OUT.
[laughter.]
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD.
I MEAN IT, THAT'S THE STORY OF MY LIFE.
NO RESPECT.
I DON'T GET NO RESPECT AT ALL.
ARE YOU KIDDING? NOT EASY, NOT EASY.
NO RESPECT AT ALL.
- THE BIGGEST CURSE, I THINK, AS A COMIC, IS THAT WE WANNA BE ACCEPTED.
AND I'LL GET GREAT EMAILS.
PEOPLE WILL COME UP TO ME AND HUG ME AND SAY, "YOU'RE MY FAVO-- YOU AND CARLIN, THOSE ARE MY FAVORITES.
" BUT YOUR MOM AND DAD AND YOUR SISTER AND BROTHER AND YOUR WIFE NEVER, EVER SEE YOU THE WAY THE AUDIENCE DOES.
- NO, THEY DON'T.
THEY--THEY-- WELL, YOUR PARENTS SEE YOUR SUCCESS THOUGH, RIGHT? - BUT THEY DON'T SEE THAT GUY.
THEY DON'T GET IT.
- BECAUSE YOU'RE ALWAYS JUST THEIR WHATEVER PLACE YOU ARE IN THEIR FAMILY.
- THE BIGGEST COMPLIMENT I GOT FROM MY DAD WAS WHEN I SHOT MY HBO SPECIAL.
WHEN I GOT OFFSTAGE-- I FLEW MY PARENTS UP THERE.
AND MY DAD WAS IN THE WINGS.
AND MY FATHER LOST HIS MOM AND DAD AND SISTER AND BROTHER DURING THE-- HE'S THE ONLY SURVIVOR.
- MM-HMM.
- AND NEVER TOLD ME MUCH ABOUT IT.
AND WHEN I CAME OFF, HE CAME OVER TO ME AND HE SAID, "I WANNA TELL YOU SOMETHING.
" HE SAID, "I WANTED TO BE A COMEDIAN.
" AND HE SAID, "THAT WAS MY DREAM WHEN I WAS A KID, WHEN I WAS 14, 15.
" - NO KIDDING.
- HE SAID, "I WANTED TO BE COMEDIAN.
" AND HE SAID, "UNFORTUNATELY," HE SAID, "HITLER CIRCUMVENTED MY PLANS.
" AND HE SAID, "THEY DIDN'T REALLY HAVE A LOT OF PLACES TO WORK OUT AT THE CAMP.
" - RIGHT.
- AND, UH-- AND HE SAID, "I WOUND UP MEETING YOUR MOM, AND WE GOT MARRIED AND HAD YOU AND EVERYTHING.
" AND HE SAID, "BUT YOU KNOW WHAT? TONIGHT I GOT TO WATCH YOU LIVE MY DREAM.
" AND HE SAID, "AND I'M GLAD THAT I'M ALIVE TO SEE THAT.
" AND TO ME, THAT WAS, LIKE, THE BIGGEST THING I COULD'VE HEARD FROM MY DAD.
- BEST THING YOU COULD HEAR FROM A PARENT, ANYONE YOU LOVE.
ROBERT, WHO ARE YOUR INFLUENCES? RODNEY, WE TALKED ABOUT.
AND JACKIE VERNON AND ALL THAT.
- JACKIE VERNON.
- CERTAINLY LENNY BRUCE AND ALL THESE RECORDS YOU HEARD.
BUT IF YOU HAD TO PICK SOMEONE THAT JUST THAT-- "I WANNA DO THAT.
" WHO WOULD THAT BE? - [chuckles.]
- IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE ONE.
IT COULD BE A FEW.
- YOU'RE ONE OF THEM.
- OH, REALLY? - YES.
I WAS IN LOVE WITH YOU.
I MEAN, NOT THAT I DON'T LOVE YOU NOW, BUT, I MEAN, I WAS-- WOW, I JUST SOUNDED LIKE MY WIFE.
[laughter.]
NO, YOU.
I NEVER MISSED YOU EITHER.
- REALLY? ON THE TONIGHT SHOW? - YEAH.
I THOUGHT YOU WERE A GENIUS.
- I'M SO FLATTERED.
- AND SO THE ODD THING IS IS THAT THE PEOPLE THAT I ADMIRED THE MOST NEVER CURSED.
- RIGHT, YES, RIGHT, RIGHT.
- THEY NEVER DID.
AND, UH, AND THAT WAS A PROBLEM WITH ME, WHEN IT CAME TO MY THING, IS BECAUSE I'M NOT ASHAMED OF WHAT I DO.
- RIGHT.
- BUT I ALSO GREW UP IN A TIME WHERE PEOPLE WERE CONSTANTLY SHOVING THIS IDEA DOWN YOUR THROAT THAT IF YOU GOT LAUGHS THE WAY I DID, THEY WEREN'T LEGITIMATE.
- RIGHT, RIGHT.
IN OTHER WORDS, IF YOU'RE SAYING "FUCK" OR WHATEVER-- - IF YOU USED LANGUAGE ONSTAGE, THAT THAT'S AN EASY LAUGH.
- IT'S TOO EASY, RIGHT.
- AND SEE, I THINK IT'S NOT AN EASY LAUGH.
I THINK IT'S TOTALLY THE OPPOSITE.
I THINK FOR YOU TO GO INTO A ROOM AND BE IN AN INTIMATE SURROUNDING AND TALK ABOUT THINGS THAT PEOPLE DON'T TALK ABOUT OUT LOUD AND USE LANGUAGE THAT PEOPLE DON'T USE, LIKE, IN PUBLIC, AND THEY ACCEPT YOU, AND THEY FIND HUMOR IN IT, THAT'S NOT-- THAT'S NOT AN EASY LAUGH.
THEN YOU ACCOMPLISHED SOMETHING.
- I AGREE WITH THAT.
- YOU WON THEM OVER.
I WENT OUT WITH A GIRL ONCE.
SHE SAID, "YOU WANT TO HAVE THE MOST UNBELIEVABLE ORGASM IN THE WORLD?" "NO.
" SHE SAID, "I'M GONNA STICK A KNOTTED RAG UP YOUR ASS.
" I SAID, "WHY? WHAT'D I DO TO YOU?" SHE SAID, "NO, LOOK, LET ME STICK IT UP THERE, "AND JUST WHEN YOU'RE READY TO COME, I'M GONNA YANK IT OUT, AND IT'S GONNA BE LIKE THE FOURTH OF JULY.
" WELL, I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU GUYS, BUT WHEN IT COMES TO MY ASS, I DON'T LIKE THE WORD "YANK," RIGHT OFF THE BAT.
I SAID, "YOU KNOW, HONEY, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SPOILSPORT, BUT I DON'T WANT A RAG UP MY ASS.
" AND SHE SAID, "WELL, HOW ABOUT A STRING OF BEADS?" I SAID, "WHAT ARE YOU, MONTY HALL? THIS ISN'T LET'S MAKE A DEAL HERE.
" BUT I FIGURE, YOU ONLY GO AROUND THIS CRAZY, OLD WORLD ONCE, RIGHT? AND WHO'S GONNA KNOW? SO I'M AT THE HOSPITAL, GETTING THE BEADS REMOVED [laughter and applause.]
AND THE DOCTOR PULLED THE STRING, AND I CAME LIKE A WILDCAT.
[laughter.]
- IT'S NOT ABOUT A WORD.
IT'S THE CONCEPT AND THE IDEA.
AND THE CONCEPT IDEA, YOURS ESPECIALLY, IS SO EDGY AND SO REAL.
NO ONE GETS AS CLOSE TO THE BONE AS YOU DO ONSTAGE.
SO - WELL, I-- I'M A LUCKY GUY.
I-I REALLY LOVE DOING WHAT I'M DOING.
I-I REALLY DO, AND I THINK IT KEPT ME ALIVE WHEN I WAS IN THE HOSPITAL.
I MEAN, I FOUND HUMOR IN THE HOSPITAL AT THE-- WHEN I WENT FOR CHEMOTHERAPY THE FIRST TIME, I HAD NON-HODGKIN'S LYMPHOMA, AND I WAS STAGE THREE.
I WAS TOO LATE FOR RADIATION, COULD ONLY GET CHEMO.
AND I'M AT MAYO CLINIC IN SCOTTSDALE, SITTING NEXT TO THIS GUY, GETTING HOOKED UP.
SO WHEN YOU GET CHEMO, YOU CAN LAY DOWN, OR YOU CAN SIT.
- MM-HMM.
- AND I DIDN'T WANT TO LAY DOWN.
TO ME, THAT'S BAD BODY LANGUAGE.
THAT, TO ME, THAT'S LIKE GOING ONSTAGE, AND THE PEOPLE IN THE FRONT ROW ARE SITTING LIKE THAT.
I-IT'S DEAD.
IT'S-- - RIGHT.
- AND I SAID TO GUY NEXT TO ME, "HOW YOU DOING?" HE SAID, "HOW DO YOU THINK I'M DOING? I HAVE CANCER.
" I SAID, "ME TOO.
" HE SAID, "GOOD FOR YOU.
" AND THE NURSE COMES OVER AND GOES, "YOU KNOW WHAT, ROBERT? CHANGE YOUR SEAT.
"THIS GUY'S GOT A NEGATIVE ATTITUDE.
"HE'S ANGRY AT THE WORLD.
YOU DON'T NEED THAT RIGHT NOW.
"YOU NEED ALL THE POSITIVE ENERGY YOU CAN MUSTER TO FIGHT THIS FIGHT," YOU KNOW? AND I COULDN'T CHANGE MY SEAT BECAUSE I WANTED TO KNOW HOW HE TURNED OUT TO BE THAT BITTER BECAUSE I DIDN'T WANT TO BECOME HIM DURING THAT PROCESS, AND I WANTED TO SEE IF I COULD MAKE HIM LAUGH BECAUSE I DON'T THINK--I THINK, WHEN YOU'RE SICK LIKE THAT, PEOPLE, THEY TREAT YOU WITH KID GLOVES INSTEAD OF THE OPPOSITE.
THEY BACK OFF.
- SURE.
- AND THAT'S WHEN THEY SHOULDN'T BACK OFF.
- SURE.
SURE.
- AND, UH AND, YOU KNOW, I SAID, "I HAVE CANCER," AND I SAID, "DO YOU GO TO ANY SUPPORT GROUP MEETINGS?" AND HE SAID, "NAH, I DON'T BELIEVE IN THAT.
" AND I SAID, "WELL, I WENT LAST NIGHT "BECAUSE I WANTED TO BE PREPARED "FOR WHAT I WAS GOING TO START TODAY, "AND THERE WAS A LADY THERE THAT WAS CRYING, "SAYING THAT SHE WAS GONNA LOSE PART OF HER BREAST, "AND SHE WAS AFRAID THAT HER HUSBAND WASN'T GONNA FIND HER SEXY ANYMORE.
" AND I SAID, "AND I WAS LOOKING AT THIS LADY THINKING, 'YOU WOULDN'T BE SEXY WITH THREE TITS.
'" [laughter.]
AND THIS GUY ALMOST FELL OUT OF HIS CHAIR.
HE'S ON--CRYING.
- WITH LAUGHTER.
- AND THE NURSE COMES OVER AND SAYS, "WHAT DID YOU SAY TO THIS GUY?" AND I SAID, "WHY?" AND THEY SAID, "'CAUSE WE'VE NEVER SEEN HIM SMILE BEFORE.
" - THAT'S SO GREAT.
- 21 DAYS LATER, I GO BACK FOR MY NEXT TREATMENT, THAT GUY IS SAVING A SEAT FOR ME AND TOLD ME JOKES FOR FOUR HOURS WHILE I WAS GETTING CHEMOTHERAPY.
- WOW, THAT'S SO GREAT.
- AND MY FIRST LIVE SHOW AT THE IMPROV IN TEMPE WHEN I GOT OUT OF MAYO, THAT GUY WAS IN THE FRONT ROW WITH OUR ONCOLOGIST, WATCHING THE SHOW.
- REALLY? YEAH, IT'S TRANSFORMATIVE.
- SO I THINK IT IS.
AND MY MOM AND DAD, WHO-- LOOK, THEY LOST EVERYBODY.
- RIGHT.
- I'M THEIR-- I'M FIRST-GENERATION.
I'M THEIR FIRSTBORN.
I'M THE FIRST AMERICAN-BORN IN THE FAMILY, RIGHT? YOU KNOW, MY PARENTS COME INTO THE HOSPITAL TO SEE ME.
MY MOM'S CRYING.
MY DAD'S CRYING.
AND I SAID, "MOM," I SAID, "YOU JUST MISSED IT.
THERE WAS GUY IN HERE THAT WANTED TO SELL ME A DICK WIG.
" [laughter.]
AND MY MOM BLEW SNOT.
I MEAN, SHE WAS REALLY LAUGHING.
SHE SAID, "THERE'S NO SUCH THING.
" I SAID, "YES, THERE IS.
" I SAID, "I LOST MY PUBIC HAIR, "AND WHEN THE WIG GUY CAME AROUND TO SHOW THE WIGS, "I SAID, 'DO YOU GOT ONE FOR MY DICK?' "AND HE SAID, 'WE HAVE THOSE TOO.
' AND I SAID, 'YOU'VE GOTTA BE KIDDING.
'" MY MOM'S LAUGHING.
- THAT'S GREAT.
- AND I KNEW, IN MY HEART, THAT AT THAT MOMENT, IN HER HEAD, SHE WAS LIKE, "YOU KNOW WHAT? IT'S NOT AS BAD AS I THOUGHT, OR ROBERT STILL WOULDN'T BE TELLING JOKES.
" - RIGHT, YOU'RE DEFUSING-- - WHEN THE JOKES END - RIGHT.
- THAT'S WHEN HE'S IN TROUBLE.
- YEAH.
LOVE TALKING TO YOU, ROBERT.
- YOU TOO.
- I'M SUCH A FAN, FOREVER.
- OH, YOU TOO.
- YEAH, THANKS.
[applause.]
- ROBERT, TELL ME HOW YOU GOT STARTED.
- SO, UH, I'M MARRIED.
I HAVE A DAUGHTER THAT'S SIX MONTHS OLD.
I'M LIVING IN SCOTTSDALE, ARIZONA.
COME TO VISIT MY SISTER HERE IN L.
A.
, AND SHE TAKES ME TO THE IMPROV ONE NIGHT, AND IT'S AMATEUR NIGHT.
I HAD NO INTENTION OF GOING UP.
I NEVER SAW MYSELF AS DOING STAND-UP PROFESSIONALLY, AND MY SISTER SIGNED ME UP WITHOUT TELLING ME.
NEXT THING I KNOW, BUDD FRIEDMAN'S ONSTAGE, GOING "ROBERT SCHIMMEL.
" - YOU DIDN'T KNOW-- SHE DIDN'T TELL YOU WHILE YOU WERE SITTING THERE? - AND I'M LIKE, "WHAT?" AND SHE GOES, "COME ON, YOU'RE FUNNY LIKE THESE GUYS.
GET UP THERE.
" SO I GO UP, I DO TWO MINUTES ABOUT BEING A STEREO SALESMAN AND THAT I'M NOT REALLY A COMEDIAN, I DON'T BELONG THERE, AND BUDD'S LAUGHING IN THE BACK OF THE ROOM.
AND I GET OFF, AND HE GOES, "STEREO SALESMAN, I LOVE IT.
" I SAID, "NO, THAT'S WHAT I DO.
" - "I'M A STEREO SALESMAN.
" - HE SAID, "CALL IN FOR SPOTS.
" WELL, THAT'S ALL I HAD TO HEAR.
I MEAN, I'M IN THERE, LENO'S IN THERE, GEORGE WALLACE, UH, ROBIN WILLIAMS.
I MEAN, EVERYBODY'S HANGING OUT IN THOSE DAYS.
THIS IS, LIKE, - SO NONE OF THEM ARE FAMOUS.
- NO.
- THEY'RE JUST DEVELOPING THEMSELVES.
- BUT YOU KNOW THEM ALL FROM TV.
- SURE.
- AND, UH, SO I GO HOME AND TELL MY WIFE I WANT TO BE A COMEDIAN.
WE PUT THE HOUSE UP FOR SALE.
QUIT MY JOB, PACK ALL OUR STUFF IN A U-HAUL, WE DRIVE TO L.
A.
WE'RE GONNA LIVE WITH MY SISTER ON FAIRFAX AND MELROSE UNTIL WE CAN FIND AN APARTMENT.
I GET OFF THE HOLLYWOOD FREEWAY ON THE MELROSE EXIT, SO I COULD SHOW MY WIFE THE IMPROV WHERE I WAS GONNA BE WORKING, AND IT BURNED DOWN THE NIGHT BEFORE WE GOT THERE.
- OH, MY GOD.
OH, MY GOD.
[laughter.]
- AND IT WAS STILL SMOLDERING.
AND BUDD WAS OUTSIDE WITH THE FIRE GUYS AND EVERYTHING.
AND HE DIDN'T REMEMBER ME.
HE DIDN'T REMEMBER SAYING "CALL IN FOR SPOTS" OR ANY OF THAT STUFF.
- YOU CHANGE YOUR WHOLE LIFE, HE DIDN'T REMEMBER YOU, AND THE PLACE WAS BURNED DOWN ANYWAY.
SO THAT'S A GOOD START.
YOU KNOW, THAT'S-- THAT'S A HEALTHY START TO BE A STAND-UP COMEDIAN.
- AFTER THAT, I, UH, GOT A DAY JOB.
MY WIFE GOT A DAY JOB.
I STARTED WRITING FOR JIMMIE WALKER AND GABE KAPLAN, WHICH WAS A LOT OF FUN, PITCHING JOKES AT A TEXAS HOLD'EM TABLE, AND, UH-- [laughter.]
WELL, THAT'S HOW YOU HAD TO DO IT.
- WAS HE INTO THAT AT THE TIME? - OH, YEAH.
- OH, REALLY? - I HAD TO GO TO GARDENA AND MEET HIM AT A CARD CLUB.
- SO HE WAS ALWAYS INTO THIS POKER THING? - IT WAS THIS OTHER COMIC, BARRY MARDER, AND ME AND SOMEBODY ELSE ALL PITCHING JOKES, AND HE WAS GOING, "HOLD ON A SECOND.
OKAY, FOLD.
WHAT'S THE JOKE?" AND WE WERE LIKE, "THIS ISN'T SHOW BUSINESS.
" THEN, UH, I WROTE FOR JOAN RIVERS.
WELL, I DIDN'T REALLY WRITE FOR HER-- SHE TOOK MY MATERIAL.
UH-- [laughter.]
- RIGHT.
- I HAD A JOKE ABOUT THIS BREAST-ENLARGING CREAM.
OR, ACTUALLY, IT WASN'T BREAST-ENLARGING CREAM-- IT WAS SOMETHING ELSE ENLARGING CREAM-- BUT I SAID THAT IF YOU RUB THAT ON, WOULDN'T YOUR HANDS GET BIGGER TOO? AND SHE CAME OVER TO ME AND SAID, "I WANNA BUY THAT.
I'LL GIVE YOU 25 BUCKS.
" AND I SAID, "I'M NOT GONNA GIVE YOU A JOKE FOR 25 DOLLARS.
" SHE GOES, "OKAY," AND LEAVES, AND ALL MY FRIENDS GO, "SHOULDA TAKEN THE 25.
" TWO MONTHS LATER, SHE'S ON THE TONIGHT SHOW-- "YEAH, I JUST BOUGHT THIS BREAST-ENLARGING CREAM, AND MY GLOVES DON'T FIT.
" SO, UH-- - HOW DID THAT MAKE YOU FEEL? PISSED? - YEAH.
- YEAH.
RIGHT.
- AND I TOLD SOMEBODY AT THE COMEDY STORE, AND THEY SAID, "WELL, THAT'S THE WAY IT WORKS IN L.
A.
-- WHOEVER GETS IT ON TV FIRST, IT'S THEIRS.
" - WOW.
- SO, UH, I DECIDED TO JUST TALK ABOUT THINGS THAT HAPPENED IN MY REAL LIFE THAT PEOPLE-- IT WOULD BE HARD FOR THEM TO STEAL.
- 'CAUSE IT'S YOUR LIFE.
- YEAH.
SO THEN I WOUND UP BEING AT THE IMPROV ONE NIGHT, AND THEY ASKED ME TO DO STAR SEARCH, WHICH I DID NOT BELONG ON.
- [laughs.]
YES.
THAT WAS ED MCMAHON'S SHOW.
STAR SEARCH.
- AND THEY ALL SAID BOB BANNER.
AND THEY ALL SAID, "OH, THIS'LL BE A GREAT GOOF," YOU KNOW, "YOU ON STAR SEARCH? "JUST GO OUT THERE AND JUST BOMB ON PURPOSE, AND THROW THE SHOW.
" SO I SAID OKAY.
I GO OUT, DO THE WORST STUFF YOU COULD DO.
- I MEAN, THEY WANTED YOU TO DELIBERATELY BE BAD? - NO, MY FRIENDS WANTED ME TO BE BAD.
- OH, RIGHT, RIGHT.
- AND COMICS LOVE TO MAKE OTHER COMICS LAUGH BECAUSE WE'RE STUPID.
SO, UH, 'CAUSE OTHER COMICS DON'T PAY TO COME AND SEE YOU.
SO WHEN THEY SAY YOU'RE THE COMICS' COMIC, THAT MEANS YOU'RE NOT MAKING ANY MONEY.
- EXACTLY.
- SO I GO OUT THERE AND DO A HORRIBLE SET.
I MEAN, THING THAT ARE SO INAPPROPRIATE FOR STAR SEARCH-- AND I WIN.
[laughter.]
- SO--SO YOU'RE THE-- - I WIN.
- YOU'RE THE WINNER OF STAR SEARCH.
- SO I WIN - THAT'S INCREDIBLE.
I DIDN'T KNOW THAT ABOUT YOU AT ALL.
- I BEAT MIKE ROWE, WHO HAD JUST BEATEN RICHARD JENI.
AND JENI HAD WON, LIKE-- HE WAS THE FIRST PERSON TO WIN FOUR IN A ROW.
- UH-HUH.
- SO YOU KNOW, AT THE END OF THE SHOW, ALL THE WINNERS LINE UP ON STAR SEARCH, AND THEY'RE PLAYING THAT MUSIC.
ED MCMAHON WALKS DOWN THE ROW SHAKING EVERYBODY'S HANDS, SAYING, "GREAT STUFF.
" HE CAME OVER AND SHOOK MY HAND, AND HE SAID, "THAT WAS A GREAT SET.
- I SAID, "THANKS.
" AND AS SOON AS HE TURNED TO THE NEXT PERSON, I WENT, "SHUT UP, YOU FAT FUCK.
" AND THE CAMERA WAS RIGHT ON MY MOUTH.
AND AFTER THE SHOW, THEY CALLED ME INTO BOB BANNER'S OFFICE, AND THEY SAID, "YOU KNOW, YOU'RE NOT STAR SEARCH MATERIAL.
" - WOW.
- AND I LOST THE NEXT SHOW.
- WOW.
NOW, YOU WERE SAYING THAT TO BE FUNNY.
- YEAH.
- RIGHT.
YOU WEREN'T BEING SERIOUS ABOUT IT.
- NO, NO, NO.
HE WAS TRIM.
- HE WAS TRIM.
- UM [laughter.]
- DO YOU HAVE A FOLLOWING OFF OF STAR SEARCH? - UM, NO.
- NOT REALLY.
- NO.
AND AT THE SAME TIME, I WOUND UP WITH A SON THAT WAS REALLY SICK, AND HE HAD CANCER.
HE HAD BRAIN CANCER.
HIS NAME WAS DEREK.
AND SO THEN I HAD TO-- - HOW OLD WAS HE? - HE WAS THREE WHEN HE WAS DIAGNOSED, AND HE PASSED AWAY IN '92.
HE WAS 11.
AND I HAD TO DO STAND-UP THE WHOLE TIME.
AND I DID EVERYTHING I COULD TO MAKE HIM LAUGH.
AND I FOUND THAT HUMOR IS-- I REALLY BELIEVE THAT THERE'S A LOT TO IT, I REALLY DO.
I THINK THAT WHEN YOUR LOVED ONES AND YOUR FRIENDS COME TO SEE YOU, WHETHER-- YOU KNOW, I HAD CANCER TOO-- WHEN YOU'RE SICK, AND THEY DON'T KNOW WHAT TO EXPECT, THAT IF YOU MAKE LIGHT OF YOUR SITUATION, THAT YOU LET THEM OFF THE HOOK EMOTIONALLY.
AND THEN THEY CAN BE THEMSELVES AROUND YOU.
'CAUSE YOU WALK IN A DOOR, AND YOU SEE A KID IN THERE, I MEAN, WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO? I MEAN, YOU KNOW, IS THERE ANYTHING FUNNY? WELL, I DID HOWARD STERN THE FIRST TIME, AND I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO EXPECT.
AND HE SAID, "YOU HAD A KID THAT DIED RECENTLY, RIGHT?" AND I'M LIKE, "WHAT? WHERE ARE YOU GOING WITH THIS?" - RIGHT.
RIGHT.
- SO I SAID, "YEAH, THE MAKE A WISH FOUNDATION "CAME TO OUR HOUSE, AND THEY WANTED "TO MAKE A WISH COME TRUE, AND I SAID THAT HIS WISH WAS TO WATCH DOLLY PARTON BLOW ME.
" AND [laughter.]
HOWARD WENT NUTS.
- [laughs.]
- THEY CUT TO A BREAK, BECAUSE WE WERE ON KROQ.
- RIGHT.
- AND WHEN WE CAME BACK, HE SAID, "YOU CAN BE ON THE SHOW FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.
" HE SAID THAT WAS THE BEST ANSWER ANYBODY COULD HAVE COME UP WITH.
- THAT IS SO GREAT.
- AND I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO, AND IT WAS ALMOST LIKE EVERYTHING WAS IN SLOW MOTION.
AT THAT MOMENT, WHEN HE ASKED ME THAT QUESTION, IT WAS IN MY HEAD--WHAT DO I DO? - RIGHT.
- TELL HIM TO GO SCREW HIMSELF AND JUST STORM OUT OF THERE? OR TRY AND MAKE THE BEST OF IT? - RIGHT.
- WELL, WALKING OUT WOULDN'T HAVE ACCOMPLISHED ANYTHING.
- RIGHT.
- AND, YOU KNOW, THIS, YOU KNOW, UH - SET A PATTERN FOR YOU.
- SET A PATTERN FOR ME.
AND FOR ME AND HIM.
- AND FOR HIM.
I'M A HUGE FAN OF HOWARD STERN, AND I LOVE IT WHEN YOU'RE ON.
SO IT'S ECSTASY.
I NEVER LEAVE MY CAR.
- SO DOES MY EX-WIVES' ATTORNEYS.
UH - IF YOU SAY ANYTHING ABOUT THEM THERE, THEY'RE MARKING DOWN.
- OH, BOY.
- REALLY? SO HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU BEEN DIVORCED NOW? - THIS WILL BE MY FOURTH TIME, BUT ONLY THE SECOND PERSON.
- SO FOURTH TIME, SECOND PERSON.
- IT'S NOT AS BAD AS IT LOOKS.
I MARRIED MY FIRST WIFE, AND SHE WASN'T JEWISH, AND MY PARENTS WENT NUTS.
HER PARENTS WENT NUTS 'CAUSE THEY DIDN'T WANT HER TO MARRY A JEWISH GUY.
SO WE GOT IT ANNULLED AFTER ABOUT SIX MONTHS.
MY PARENTS WANTED IT ANNULLED.
THEY WANTED NO RECORD THAT IT EXISTED.
- I GUESS.
- BUT WE STILL SEE EACH OTHER.
WE STILL LOVE EACH OTHER.
- OH.
- BUT IT WAS THE PARENTAL INTERFERENCE THAT RUINED-- - BOTH SIDES OF PARENTS NOT ACCEPTING JEWISH OR WHATEVER.
- SO THEN SHE GETS PREGNANT AND CALLS ME UP AND SAYS, "WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO?" AND I'M, LIKE, "WE?" UM [laughter.]
SO WE GET MARRIED - YEAH.
- BUT SHE'S AFRAID TO TELL HER PARENTS.
HER DAD'S A 20-YEAR MARINE GUY.
HE LITERALLY LOOKS LIKE LEE ERMEY FROM FULL METAL JACKET.
I MEAN, THAT'S HER DAD.
- RIGHT.
- SO SHE'S HOME UNTIL SHE'S, LIKE, SIX, SEVEN MONTHS PREGNANT-- UNTIL SHE'S SHOWING.
AND THEN HER MOM GOES, "WHAT'S GOING ON?" - SHE SAID, "I'M PREGNANT.
" AND THEY'RE GOING, "WHAT?" "OH, IT'S NOT WHAT YOU THINK.
ROBERT AND I ARE MARRIED.
" AND THEN THEY'RE GOING, "WHAT ARE YOU LIVING HERE FOR?" SO THEN SHE CALLS ME AND SAYS, "MY PARENTS THINK WE SHOULD LIVE TOGETHER IF WE'RE HAVING CHILDREN.
" SO NOW I'VE GOTTA LEAVE MY PARENTS, AND I GOTTA MOVE IN WITH HER.
AND THEN WE HAVE MY DAUGHTER.
THEN IT'S NO GOOD.
THEN WE GET RECONC-- THEN WE SEPARATE.
THEN WE RECONCILE, THEN WE GET DIVORCED.
- GOD.
- THEN I'M DOING STAND-UP.
SHE'S LIVING IN ARIZONA.
I VISIT HER IN ARIZONA, WE SPEND A WEEKEND TOGETHER TALKING ABOUT HOW CRAZY IT IS THAT, YOU KNOW-- THAT WE HAVE THIS BEAUTIFUL CHILD, AND WE'RE NOT TOGETHER, AND HOW DID WE LET EVERYTHING RUIN EVERY-- AND THE NEXT THING I KNOW, SHE CALLS ME UP AND SAYS SHE'S PREGNANT AGAIN AND, UH - STARTING ALL OVER AGAIN.
- SO THEN WE GET MARRIED AGAIN.
THEN WE GETSEPARATED.
THEN WE RECONCILE.
THEN WE LEGALLY SEPARATE.
- [laughing.]
- AND THEN WE GET DIVORCED.
THEN HER AND MY SON ARE LIVING IN ARIZONA.
I'M DOING STAND-UP IN L.
A.
AND I GO TO VISIT THE TWO OF THEM, AND, UH, SHE GETS PREGNANT AGAIN.
[laughter.]
AT THAT POINT, A FEW OF MY FRIENDS WANTED TO DO AN INTERVENTION AND GET ME A VASECTOMY IN A WALMART PARKING LOT.
[laughter.]
UH AND THEN IT WASN'T WORKING.
AND THEN, AFTER MY SON PASSED AWAY, IT'S A BIG STRAIN ON OUR RELATIONSHIP.
- I WOULD IMAGINE.
- AND ESP--AND MY WIFE, WHO-- WE ARE BEST FRIENDS RIGHT NOW.
I MEAN, WE GET ALONG GREAT.
BUT FOR HER, IT WAS VERY HARD FOR HER TO UNDERSTAND HOW WE COULD GO THROUGH A LOSS LIKE THAT, AND AT THE SAME TIME, ME ACTUALLY CARING ABOUT MAKING OTHER PEOPLE LAUGH IN AN AUDIENCE.
"HOW COULD YOU GO ONSTAGE AND BE FUNNY WHEN YOUR SON IS DYING?" - NOW, YOU COULD SEE HOW THAT WOULD-- COULD BOTHER HER, BUT IT'S - YES.
- NOT UNUS--IT'S NOT A DIFFICULT QUESTION FOR ME TO ANSWER.
- WELL, BECAUSE I WASN'T DYING.
- RIGHT.
- AND I HAD OTHER CHILDREN.
AND I DIDN'T WANT THEM TO FEEL LIKE SECOND-CLASS CITIZENS NEXT TO HIM.
AND THIS IS WHO I AM AND THIS IS WHAT I DO.
AND I DID THE SAME THING TO MAKE HIM LAUGH IN THE HOSPITAL.
AND I COULDN'T CHANGE.
CANCER WASN'T GONNA-- HIS THING WASN'T GONNA CHANGE ME.
- SO WHAT DID YOU--WHAT WERE YOU TALKING ABOUT ONSTAGE? - THAT.
- YEAH.
- THAT.
HAVING OTHER KIDS, SEX.
- RIGHT.
- PARENTS.
DO YOU KNOW, WHEN I WAS GROWING UP, MY MOM TOLD ME THAT WHEN YOU MASTURBATE, ALL YOUR DEAD RELATIVES ARE WATCHING.
[laughter.]
BUT THEN I FIGURED, "WHO ARE THEY GONNA TELL?" THAT WOULD BE PRETTY FUCKED UP IF THEY WERE.
THEN YOU'D DIE AND GET TO HEAVEN, AND YOUR UNCLE'S WAITING FOR YOU.
"HEY, BOBBY!" - SO TELL ME ABOUT YOUR PARENTS.
- MY DAD HAS ONE OF THE GREATEST SENSE OF HUMORS.
AND--AND SUCH A POSITIVE ATTITUDE FOR SOMEBODY THAT WENT THROUGH WHAT THEY WENT THROUGH.
- THEY'RE HOLOCAUST SURVIVORS, RIGHT? - YEAH, BOTH OF THEM.
AND, UH, THEY EXPOSED ME TO A LOT OF COMEDY.
MY PARENTS USED TO LISTEN TO LENNY BRUCE AND BELLE BARTH AND RUSTY WARREN AND - YES.
- MORT SAHL, AND YOU WERE ONE OF THEIR FAVORITES.
AND A LOT OF PEOPLE.
AND SO I WAS LUCKY.
AND I WATCHED ALL THE TIME.
MY MOM SAID, WHEN I WAS FIVE, I USED TO MIMIC JACKIE GLEASON.
- REALLY? - YEAH.
- AND I NEVER MISSED COMICS.
WHEN THEY WERE ON ED SULLIVAN, I DON'T CARE WHAT MY FRIENDS WERE DOING, I WAS WATCHING TV.
'CAUSE I WANTED TO WATCH COMEDIANS.
- AND THEY TOO? WERE THEY INTO COMICS IN THE SAME WAY? - YEAH.
YEAH.
- AND THE SEX.
I WAS PREOCCUPIED WITH SEX BECAUSE THAT'S ALL I HEARD IN MY PARENTS' HOUSE.
I MEAN, MY PARENTS WOULD GO, "GET TO YOUR ROOM!" AND THEN WE'D HEAR REDD FOXX AND RUSTY WARREN AND ALL THESE PEO-- I RE-- ALL I REMEMBER IS MY PARENTS AND THEIR FRIENDS LAUGHING DOWNSTAIRS IN A KIND OF LAUGH THAT ONLY THAT KIND OF HUMOR GETS.
- RIGHT.
- AND THE MINUTE YOU'D SNEAK DOWN, JEFFREY AND I WOULD SNEAK DOWN TO HEAR IT, AND MY PARENTS WOULD GO, "GET TO YOUR ROOM!" - RIGHT, 'CAUSE IT'S UNDERGROUND.
- YEAH.
- IT--YEAH, IT-- ESPECIALLY THEN.
- SO AS SOON AS--OH, YEAH.
SO AS SOON AS THEY WOULD LEAVE THE HOUSE, JEFFREY AND I WOULD, LIKE, SEARCH FOR THESE RECORDS AND LISTEN, KNOCKERS UP AND ALL THAT STUFF.
- YEAH, RUSTY WARREN AND BELLE BART.
ALL THAT STUFF, RIGHT.
- YEAH, AND SO-- AND I FOUND THAT, UM THERE WAS A COMMON DENOMINATOR BETWEEN THAT MATERIAL AND EVERY PERSON THAT EXISTED.
- SURE.
- THAT WE ALL HAVE THESE HANG-UPS ABOUT THESE THINGS.
AND THAT--THAT IF THERE WAS ANY STORY THAT WAS GONNA RING TRUE FROM THE BIBLE, FROM THE OLD TESTAMENT, THAT WOULD BE CON-- COULD BE TOLD IN CONTEMPORARY TERMS, IT'S-- IT'S ADAM AND EVE.
YOU COULD HAVE WHATEVER YOU WANT.
YOU'RE IN THE GARDEN OF EDEN.
THERE'S ETERNAL LIFE.
THERE'S NO SICKNESS.
THERE'S NO THIS.
THERE'S-- JUST DON'T EAT THE FRUIT FROM THIS ONE TREE, AND EVERYTHING'S-- WHERE DO THEY GO? THERE.
- TO THE FRUIT OF THAT TREE.
- WHERE DOES LENNY BRUCE GO? THE TREE.
- RIGHT.
- WHERE DID SAM GO? THE TREE.
WHERE DID DICE GO? THE TREE.
BECAUSE AS SOON AS-- AS SOON AS LENNY GOT BAD REVIEWS AND THEY SAID HE WAS OFFENSIVE AND IRREVERENT, THAT PEOPLE WERE WALKING OUT ON HIM, YOU COULDN'T GET TICKETS TO SEE THE GUY THE NEXT DAY.
- THAT'S TRUE.
- 'CAUSE EVERYBODY WANTED TO SEE HOW BAD HE REALLY WAS.
- CORRECT.
YEAH, YEAH.
- IT WORKS WITH BAD MOVIES.
- YEAH.
- SOMEBODY TELLS YOU A MOVIE'S HORRIBLE, THEY GO, "I GOTTA SEE IF IT'S REALLY THAT BAD.
" - RIGHT.
- BUT THE ANALOGY HERE IS-- IS THAT HE WAS STEPPING PAST A BOUNDARY.
- RIGHT.
- SO--SO THAT'S A ROLE MODEL FOR YOU, RIGHT? - IT IS.
- YOU DO THAT TOO.
- I DO THAT TOO.
- YOU LIKE TO PUSH THE AUDIENCE, RIGHT? AND YOU'RE--IT'S VERY EDGY, WHAT YOU'RE DOING, BECAUSE YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT YOUR REAL LIFE.
- BUT IT-- BUT IT IS MY REAL LIFE.
AND IT'S NOT-- I-I THINK MY SAVING GRACE IS THAT I AM NOT MALICIOUS ONSTAGE AND THAT I AM THE VICTIM OF MY HUMOR.
- RIGHT.
- SO I'M THE GUY THAT BRINGS THE PORNO MOVIE HOME TO MY WIFE AND SAY, "WHY DON'T WE DO THESE THINGS?" AND SHE SAYS, "WELL, WHEN YOU LOOK LIKE THAT GUY, THEN I'LL DO THAT STUFF.
" SO IT'S NEVER THE GIRL'S FAULT.
IT ALWAYS FALLS ON ME.
- RIGHT, RIGHT.
- AND I THINK THAT'S HOW I GET AWAY WITH IT.
AND I THINK THAT'S HOW, UH, YOU KNOW, RODNEY, ONE OF THE GUYS THAT I ADMIRED A LOT-- HIS SUCCESS WAS BECAUSE HE WAS EVERY MAN.
RODNEY SAID WHAT EVERY GUY THOUGHT BUT DIDN'T HAVE THE BALLS TO SAY OUT LOUD.
HE WOULD JUST SAY IT, JUST DIDN'T CARE.
- YEAH.
LIKE WHAT? WHAT WERE KIND OF THINGS THAT RODNEY WOULD DO THAT APPEAL TO YOU? - I MET HIM THE FIRST NIGHT AT THE BEVERLY HILTON HOTEL.
HE TOOK ME FOR DINNER.
WE CAME OUT.
MERV GRIFFIN WAS STANDING OUTSIDE, AND MERV CAME OVER AND SAID, "HEY, RODNEY, HOW YOU DOING?" AND HE SAID, "MERV, OKAY, EVERYTHING'S ALL RIGHT.
" AND SOON AS MERV TURNED AROUND, RODNEY WENT, "BIG FAG.
" [laughter.]
AND I SAID, "HE HEARD THAT.
THERE'S NO WAY HE DIDN'T HEAR THAT.
" HE SAID, "HE KNOWS, BOB.
" - YEAH, HE KNOWS.
[laughs.]
HE KNOWS, YOU KNOW, SO WHY SHOULDN'T I SAY THAT? - THEN, UM--YEAH.
- RIGHT.
- THEN I'M WITH HIM AT CAESARS PALACE, AND HE SAID, "BRING YOUR MOM AND DAD TO THE SHOW, "AND, YOU KNOW, I'LL MEET THEM AND SCHMOOZE WITH THEM, AND THEY'LL THINK YOU'RE REALLY IN SHOW BUSINESS.
" WOW, SO HE DOESN'T EVEN REALLY THINK I'M IN SHOW BUSINESS.
THEY'LL THINK-- WE SEE THE SHOW.
MY DAD GOES TO BED EARLY.
I TAKE MY MOM UP TO THE GREEN ROOM, KNOCK ON THE DOOR.
RODNEY ANSWERS IN A SILK ROBE-- THE ONE FROM EASY MONEY WITH THE PLAYING CARDS ON IT-- A JOINT IN ONE HAND, A MILLER LITE IN THE OTHER, AND HIS HAIR'S ALL MESSED UP.
AND HE GOES, "HEY, YOU MUST BE BOB'S MOM.
" AND I'M LIKE, "OH, MY GOD.
" AND HE ASKS HER OUT.
- REALLY, FOR REAL? - YEAH, YEAH.
HE GOES, "COME ON, LET'S GO OUT.
" HE SAID, "YOUR HUSBAND'S SLEEPING.
" AND MY MOM SAID, "I'M GONNA GO DOWN AND PLAY CRAPS WITH RODNEY.
" I SAID, "MOM, DON'T.
" I SAID, "PLEASE DON'T GO WITH RODNEY.
"HE'S GONNA BE TELLING EVERYBODY WHAT YOU GUYS DID.
NOW COME ON.
" - DID SHE GO OUT-- - SHE SAID, "I'M NOT DOING ANYTHING.
" YEAH.
- SHE WENT DOWN AND PLAYED CRAPS WITH HIM? - SHE PLAYED CRAPS WITH HIM, AND HE WAS IN HIS ROBE, PLAYING IN THE CASINO AT 2:00 IN THE MORNING.
[cheers and applause.]
- WHAT A CROWD, WHAT A CROWD.
I'LL TELL YOU THAT, BOY.
NO, I'LL TELL YOU, I'LL TELL YOU.
I'M ALL RIGHT NOW, BUT LAST WEEK I WAS IN ROUGH SHAPE, YOU KNOW? YEAH, LAST WEEK I BOUGHT A USED CAR.
I FOUND MY WIFE'S DRESS IN THE BACK SEAT.
[laughter and applause.]
I MEAN, WITH MY WIFE, THERE'S ALWAYS SOMETHING.
OUR ANNIVERSARY, I TOOK HER TO DINNER.
I MADE A TOAST TO THE BEST WOMAN A MAN EVER HAD.
THE WAITER JOINED ME.
MY WIFE-- OH, THE OTHER NIGHT SHE TOLD ME SHE WANTS TO TRY SOMETHING WILD.
SHE TIED ME TO THE BED.
THEN SHE PUT HER CLOTHES ON AND WENT OUT.
[laughter.]
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD.
I MEAN IT, THAT'S THE STORY OF MY LIFE.
NO RESPECT.
I DON'T GET NO RESPECT AT ALL.
ARE YOU KIDDING? NOT EASY, NOT EASY.
NO RESPECT AT ALL.
- THE BIGGEST CURSE, I THINK, AS A COMIC, IS THAT WE WANNA BE ACCEPTED.
AND I'LL GET GREAT EMAILS.
PEOPLE WILL COME UP TO ME AND HUG ME AND SAY, "YOU'RE MY FAVO-- YOU AND CARLIN, THOSE ARE MY FAVORITES.
" BUT YOUR MOM AND DAD AND YOUR SISTER AND BROTHER AND YOUR WIFE NEVER, EVER SEE YOU THE WAY THE AUDIENCE DOES.
- NO, THEY DON'T.
THEY--THEY-- WELL, YOUR PARENTS SEE YOUR SUCCESS THOUGH, RIGHT? - BUT THEY DON'T SEE THAT GUY.
THEY DON'T GET IT.
- BECAUSE YOU'RE ALWAYS JUST THEIR WHATEVER PLACE YOU ARE IN THEIR FAMILY.
- THE BIGGEST COMPLIMENT I GOT FROM MY DAD WAS WHEN I SHOT MY HBO SPECIAL.
WHEN I GOT OFFSTAGE-- I FLEW MY PARENTS UP THERE.
AND MY DAD WAS IN THE WINGS.
AND MY FATHER LOST HIS MOM AND DAD AND SISTER AND BROTHER DURING THE-- HE'S THE ONLY SURVIVOR.
- MM-HMM.
- AND NEVER TOLD ME MUCH ABOUT IT.
AND WHEN I CAME OFF, HE CAME OVER TO ME AND HE SAID, "I WANNA TELL YOU SOMETHING.
" HE SAID, "I WANTED TO BE A COMEDIAN.
" AND HE SAID, "THAT WAS MY DREAM WHEN I WAS A KID, WHEN I WAS 14, 15.
" - NO KIDDING.
- HE SAID, "I WANTED TO BE COMEDIAN.
" AND HE SAID, "UNFORTUNATELY," HE SAID, "HITLER CIRCUMVENTED MY PLANS.
" AND HE SAID, "THEY DIDN'T REALLY HAVE A LOT OF PLACES TO WORK OUT AT THE CAMP.
" - RIGHT.
- AND, UH-- AND HE SAID, "I WOUND UP MEETING YOUR MOM, AND WE GOT MARRIED AND HAD YOU AND EVERYTHING.
" AND HE SAID, "BUT YOU KNOW WHAT? TONIGHT I GOT TO WATCH YOU LIVE MY DREAM.
" AND HE SAID, "AND I'M GLAD THAT I'M ALIVE TO SEE THAT.
" AND TO ME, THAT WAS, LIKE, THE BIGGEST THING I COULD'VE HEARD FROM MY DAD.
- BEST THING YOU COULD HEAR FROM A PARENT, ANYONE YOU LOVE.
ROBERT, WHO ARE YOUR INFLUENCES? RODNEY, WE TALKED ABOUT.
AND JACKIE VERNON AND ALL THAT.
- JACKIE VERNON.
- CERTAINLY LENNY BRUCE AND ALL THESE RECORDS YOU HEARD.
BUT IF YOU HAD TO PICK SOMEONE THAT JUST THAT-- "I WANNA DO THAT.
" WHO WOULD THAT BE? - [chuckles.]
- IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE ONE.
IT COULD BE A FEW.
- YOU'RE ONE OF THEM.
- OH, REALLY? - YES.
I WAS IN LOVE WITH YOU.
I MEAN, NOT THAT I DON'T LOVE YOU NOW, BUT, I MEAN, I WAS-- WOW, I JUST SOUNDED LIKE MY WIFE.
[laughter.]
NO, YOU.
I NEVER MISSED YOU EITHER.
- REALLY? ON THE TONIGHT SHOW? - YEAH.
I THOUGHT YOU WERE A GENIUS.
- I'M SO FLATTERED.
- AND SO THE ODD THING IS IS THAT THE PEOPLE THAT I ADMIRED THE MOST NEVER CURSED.
- RIGHT, YES, RIGHT, RIGHT.
- THEY NEVER DID.
AND, UH, AND THAT WAS A PROBLEM WITH ME, WHEN IT CAME TO MY THING, IS BECAUSE I'M NOT ASHAMED OF WHAT I DO.
- RIGHT.
- BUT I ALSO GREW UP IN A TIME WHERE PEOPLE WERE CONSTANTLY SHOVING THIS IDEA DOWN YOUR THROAT THAT IF YOU GOT LAUGHS THE WAY I DID, THEY WEREN'T LEGITIMATE.
- RIGHT, RIGHT.
IN OTHER WORDS, IF YOU'RE SAYING "FUCK" OR WHATEVER-- - IF YOU USED LANGUAGE ONSTAGE, THAT THAT'S AN EASY LAUGH.
- IT'S TOO EASY, RIGHT.
- AND SEE, I THINK IT'S NOT AN EASY LAUGH.
I THINK IT'S TOTALLY THE OPPOSITE.
I THINK FOR YOU TO GO INTO A ROOM AND BE IN AN INTIMATE SURROUNDING AND TALK ABOUT THINGS THAT PEOPLE DON'T TALK ABOUT OUT LOUD AND USE LANGUAGE THAT PEOPLE DON'T USE, LIKE, IN PUBLIC, AND THEY ACCEPT YOU, AND THEY FIND HUMOR IN IT, THAT'S NOT-- THAT'S NOT AN EASY LAUGH.
THEN YOU ACCOMPLISHED SOMETHING.
- I AGREE WITH THAT.
- YOU WON THEM OVER.
I WENT OUT WITH A GIRL ONCE.
SHE SAID, "YOU WANT TO HAVE THE MOST UNBELIEVABLE ORGASM IN THE WORLD?" "NO.
" SHE SAID, "I'M GONNA STICK A KNOTTED RAG UP YOUR ASS.
" I SAID, "WHY? WHAT'D I DO TO YOU?" SHE SAID, "NO, LOOK, LET ME STICK IT UP THERE, "AND JUST WHEN YOU'RE READY TO COME, I'M GONNA YANK IT OUT, AND IT'S GONNA BE LIKE THE FOURTH OF JULY.
" WELL, I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU GUYS, BUT WHEN IT COMES TO MY ASS, I DON'T LIKE THE WORD "YANK," RIGHT OFF THE BAT.
I SAID, "YOU KNOW, HONEY, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SPOILSPORT, BUT I DON'T WANT A RAG UP MY ASS.
" AND SHE SAID, "WELL, HOW ABOUT A STRING OF BEADS?" I SAID, "WHAT ARE YOU, MONTY HALL? THIS ISN'T LET'S MAKE A DEAL HERE.
" BUT I FIGURE, YOU ONLY GO AROUND THIS CRAZY, OLD WORLD ONCE, RIGHT? AND WHO'S GONNA KNOW? SO I'M AT THE HOSPITAL, GETTING THE BEADS REMOVED [laughter and applause.]
AND THE DOCTOR PULLED THE STRING, AND I CAME LIKE A WILDCAT.
[laughter.]
- IT'S NOT ABOUT A WORD.
IT'S THE CONCEPT AND THE IDEA.
AND THE CONCEPT IDEA, YOURS ESPECIALLY, IS SO EDGY AND SO REAL.
NO ONE GETS AS CLOSE TO THE BONE AS YOU DO ONSTAGE.
SO - WELL, I-- I'M A LUCKY GUY.
I-I REALLY LOVE DOING WHAT I'M DOING.
I-I REALLY DO, AND I THINK IT KEPT ME ALIVE WHEN I WAS IN THE HOSPITAL.
I MEAN, I FOUND HUMOR IN THE HOSPITAL AT THE-- WHEN I WENT FOR CHEMOTHERAPY THE FIRST TIME, I HAD NON-HODGKIN'S LYMPHOMA, AND I WAS STAGE THREE.
I WAS TOO LATE FOR RADIATION, COULD ONLY GET CHEMO.
AND I'M AT MAYO CLINIC IN SCOTTSDALE, SITTING NEXT TO THIS GUY, GETTING HOOKED UP.
SO WHEN YOU GET CHEMO, YOU CAN LAY DOWN, OR YOU CAN SIT.
- MM-HMM.
- AND I DIDN'T WANT TO LAY DOWN.
TO ME, THAT'S BAD BODY LANGUAGE.
THAT, TO ME, THAT'S LIKE GOING ONSTAGE, AND THE PEOPLE IN THE FRONT ROW ARE SITTING LIKE THAT.
I-IT'S DEAD.
IT'S-- - RIGHT.
- AND I SAID TO GUY NEXT TO ME, "HOW YOU DOING?" HE SAID, "HOW DO YOU THINK I'M DOING? I HAVE CANCER.
" I SAID, "ME TOO.
" HE SAID, "GOOD FOR YOU.
" AND THE NURSE COMES OVER AND GOES, "YOU KNOW WHAT, ROBERT? CHANGE YOUR SEAT.
"THIS GUY'S GOT A NEGATIVE ATTITUDE.
"HE'S ANGRY AT THE WORLD.
YOU DON'T NEED THAT RIGHT NOW.
"YOU NEED ALL THE POSITIVE ENERGY YOU CAN MUSTER TO FIGHT THIS FIGHT," YOU KNOW? AND I COULDN'T CHANGE MY SEAT BECAUSE I WANTED TO KNOW HOW HE TURNED OUT TO BE THAT BITTER BECAUSE I DIDN'T WANT TO BECOME HIM DURING THAT PROCESS, AND I WANTED TO SEE IF I COULD MAKE HIM LAUGH BECAUSE I DON'T THINK--I THINK, WHEN YOU'RE SICK LIKE THAT, PEOPLE, THEY TREAT YOU WITH KID GLOVES INSTEAD OF THE OPPOSITE.
THEY BACK OFF.
- SURE.
- AND THAT'S WHEN THEY SHOULDN'T BACK OFF.
- SURE.
SURE.
- AND, UH AND, YOU KNOW, I SAID, "I HAVE CANCER," AND I SAID, "DO YOU GO TO ANY SUPPORT GROUP MEETINGS?" AND HE SAID, "NAH, I DON'T BELIEVE IN THAT.
" AND I SAID, "WELL, I WENT LAST NIGHT "BECAUSE I WANTED TO BE PREPARED "FOR WHAT I WAS GOING TO START TODAY, "AND THERE WAS A LADY THERE THAT WAS CRYING, "SAYING THAT SHE WAS GONNA LOSE PART OF HER BREAST, "AND SHE WAS AFRAID THAT HER HUSBAND WASN'T GONNA FIND HER SEXY ANYMORE.
" AND I SAID, "AND I WAS LOOKING AT THIS LADY THINKING, 'YOU WOULDN'T BE SEXY WITH THREE TITS.
'" [laughter.]
AND THIS GUY ALMOST FELL OUT OF HIS CHAIR.
HE'S ON--CRYING.
- WITH LAUGHTER.
- AND THE NURSE COMES OVER AND SAYS, "WHAT DID YOU SAY TO THIS GUY?" AND I SAID, "WHY?" AND THEY SAID, "'CAUSE WE'VE NEVER SEEN HIM SMILE BEFORE.
" - THAT'S SO GREAT.
- 21 DAYS LATER, I GO BACK FOR MY NEXT TREATMENT, THAT GUY IS SAVING A SEAT FOR ME AND TOLD ME JOKES FOR FOUR HOURS WHILE I WAS GETTING CHEMOTHERAPY.
- WOW, THAT'S SO GREAT.
- AND MY FIRST LIVE SHOW AT THE IMPROV IN TEMPE WHEN I GOT OUT OF MAYO, THAT GUY WAS IN THE FRONT ROW WITH OUR ONCOLOGIST, WATCHING THE SHOW.
- REALLY? YEAH, IT'S TRANSFORMATIVE.
- SO I THINK IT IS.
AND MY MOM AND DAD, WHO-- LOOK, THEY LOST EVERYBODY.
- RIGHT.
- I'M THEIR-- I'M FIRST-GENERATION.
I'M THEIR FIRSTBORN.
I'M THE FIRST AMERICAN-BORN IN THE FAMILY, RIGHT? YOU KNOW, MY PARENTS COME INTO THE HOSPITAL TO SEE ME.
MY MOM'S CRYING.
MY DAD'S CRYING.
AND I SAID, "MOM," I SAID, "YOU JUST MISSED IT.
THERE WAS GUY IN HERE THAT WANTED TO SELL ME A DICK WIG.
" [laughter.]
AND MY MOM BLEW SNOT.
I MEAN, SHE WAS REALLY LAUGHING.
SHE SAID, "THERE'S NO SUCH THING.
" I SAID, "YES, THERE IS.
" I SAID, "I LOST MY PUBIC HAIR, "AND WHEN THE WIG GUY CAME AROUND TO SHOW THE WIGS, "I SAID, 'DO YOU GOT ONE FOR MY DICK?' "AND HE SAID, 'WE HAVE THOSE TOO.
' AND I SAID, 'YOU'VE GOTTA BE KIDDING.
'" MY MOM'S LAUGHING.
- THAT'S GREAT.
- AND I KNEW, IN MY HEART, THAT AT THAT MOMENT, IN HER HEAD, SHE WAS LIKE, "YOU KNOW WHAT? IT'S NOT AS BAD AS I THOUGHT, OR ROBERT STILL WOULDN'T BE TELLING JOKES.
" - RIGHT, YOU'RE DEFUSING-- - WHEN THE JOKES END - RIGHT.
- THAT'S WHEN HE'S IN TROUBLE.
- YEAH.
LOVE TALKING TO YOU, ROBERT.
- YOU TOO.
- I'M SUCH A FAN, FOREVER.
- OH, YOU TOO.
- YEAH, THANKS.
[applause.]