Married (2014) s02e10 Episode Script

Is it ready? Uh, I think so, but we have to test it.
Okay, it's a little hot.
Take a strand.
And throw it against the wall and if it sticks, - then it's ready.
- I want to test it! - Yeah, go for it.
- Me, too.
All right, grab one piece.
You can do it.
- Yeah! - Hey! Hey.
Whoa.
Hey! Hey! Guys.
Guys! Daddy's showing us how to test spaghetti.
Really? Well, there's another way to test it you can eat it.
- Yeah.
- Why is Daddy so fun? Yeah, why? Why? - I can be fun.
- Well You don't need to be fun.
- You're reliable.
- Great.
I'm reliable.
S02E10 "Reliable.
" That's the worst thing to be called.
That's worse than the "C" word.
I would rather be called the "C" word.
- Consistent? - You're hilarious.
I am hilarious ask the kids.
Of course they think you're the fun one.
They didn't ruin you.
Kids only destroy their mothers.
Emotionally or vaginally? Both.
Speaking of destroying vaginas Uh tomorrow's a big day for us.
Yeah, we have let our passion marinate for quite long enough, and now it's time to fire up the grill! He's talking about sex.
Yeah, we-we got it.
I got us a suite at Shutters.
We are going to have a sex-friendly dinner.
Mm-hmm.
No entrees, no roughage.
No chili dogs, no goulash.
And then uh, showtime! Showtime.
Well, we wish you the best.
To great sex.
Yeah, you deserve it.
All right.
You guys should meet us for brunch on Sunday; we'll be famished.
Yeah.
Chili dogs on us.
No, we can't.
We're gonna be up at Beekman.
We're going back to college.
Yeah, my old professor wants me to talk to his class.
Huh.
Yeah, I'm actually thinking of bailing on it.
Like, what do I say to a bunch of students? We're not bailing.
We're going.
And we're gonna party like it's 1997.
What's 1997? That's when I used to be fun.
Oh.
Look, I still have my rape whistle from college.
Aw, that's cute.
You still think you're rape-able.
Ow! Ooh, you all right? Yeah, I'm fine.
College, right? Hey, do you want to get a drink? Do we have time? I probably should go over my notes.
Why are you so nervous? 'Cause I don't I mean, what if the kids think I'm, like, a sellout? Why would they think that? Because, look I look like "The Man.
" That's cute that you think you look like a man.
Touchee.
Should we get out of here? Babe, no.
This is a big deal.
You're a working designer.
You're speaking at our college.
This means you're successful.
It does? They're not asking me to speak here.
What would I say? "Here's how you get pregnant.
" All right.
This is it.
So, maybe we meet up later? You don't want me to watch? I'll laugh at all your jokes.
No, I got to be, like, all business in there.
I can't be Business Russ if you're sitting there.
- Are you sure? - Yes.
I will meet you at the Kettle Room afterwards, okay? We'll party like it's 1997.
What am I gonna do for the next two hours? You'll figure something out.
So, next to the student store is the Polk Building, which actually has a very interesting history It started out as a gold exchange, where prospectors sold their gold during the rush.
That's right.
Sorry, I used to be a tour guide here.
When I went here, a while ago.
I was a business major.
Not that I ever use that degree.
- Um, up ahead is - I'm a mom.
And I have a job.
I'm a teacher.
Well, teaching assistant they call it.
Cool story.
Um, so up ahead is Dornan Hall, which is Oh, home of the rooftop garden.
I'm sorry, I don't know anything about a rooftop garden, but maybe, uh, that was You don't know about the rooftop garden? No.
What kind of tour is this? It's the tour that I'm giving.
Uh, so up to the left I'm gonna get you.
You can't match me.
Here we go! Where are you? There's the bad guy plane! See I-I got you! I got you! Oh, no, no.
- AJ? - Yeah? Can I talk to you for a sec? Oh, okay, yeah.
I'll be right back.
Don't kill me.
What's wrong? The sitter canceled.
That's terrible.
Who's your backup? I don't have one.
Um, can we just get the hotel another night? Wait, wait, wait, wait.
No.
- Tonight's the night.
- AJ! Mm-hmm.
I know, I'm so sorry.
I was really looking forward to it, too.
You don't understand.
The genie is out of the bottle.
He can't get back inside until he satisfies his master.
So am I the master? Whatever.
We can take turns.
Okay, uh, maybe after Chase goes to bed? Hey, Chase, you feeling tired? Yeah, let's put him to bed.
Let's put him to sleep.
You got any Benadryl? Are you serious? No.
No, I'm joking.
You got some melatonin though or? Back at the Kettle! I take it Business Russ was a hit? I mean, all the kids loved me, and they all wanted internships.
They loved you or they wanted internships? The important thing is Donny, my new intern, said that he could totally hook us up with 'shrooms.
Oh, cool.
Come on, I thought you'd be more excited.
No, I'm super excited.
It's just that, um Do you remember the garden on top of Dornan Hall? Uh Where we had our first kiss? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
- They closed it.
- Yeah.
It's faculty housing now isn't that sad? - That is sad.
- I know.
'Shrooms? 'Shrooms.
Oh, yeah.
Man, I crushed a lot of girls' dreams here.
- Whoa.
- Mm-hmm.
I don't remember it that way.
"The kitty had cheese, "but no grill.
She's like, 'What am I going to do? This cheese won't'" Hey, hey, hey, hey.
How's it going? Great.
I can see that.
All right, well, let me try.
I have the kind of voice that can make people do whatever I say.
Okay.
Try to get some sleep.
All right, now you go in the bedroom and you get started without me.
Hmm? Okay.
See? See what I just did? You got me.
Oh, boy, Chase.
All right, what do we got here? We got some books.
Oh, boy, this is one of my favorites.
So, if we take the 'shrooms by 10:00, then when will they wear off? Hopefully never.
Well, which one of us is gonna drive to soccer tomorrow? Aw, are you being Miss Reliable? That's me.
What? I just want to pop up to the roof garden really quick.
What? I thought you said this was faculty housing now.
Maybe someone will buzz us in.
Oh, Professor Holt's still here.
Hello? Hi, um this is a little out of the blue, but, um, I'm Lina Bow Weston.
I, uh who-who? I posed for you.
- You posed? - No.
Lina Weston did.
In the raw.
- Naked? - Tits to the wind.
How did I not know this? There's a lot you don't know about me.
I have layers.
Sorry.
"Layers"? I had a whole life before you.
Uh, we were 20 when we met.
I wouldn't say you had a whole life.
I had some of a life.
Why does it have to be locked? Are you sure there's a garden up there? Yes.
It's where we had our first kiss.
I know that.
Maybe Donald has roof access.
Wait.
"Donald"? The Professor.
Why do you call him Donald? I call a lot of people Donald.
Okay.
Sounds like a party.
What should we do? What would Lina Weston do? I do not think we'll find the 'shrooms here.
Don't worry, you'll get your 'shrooms.
We need to get to the roof.
Wow.
Hello, ladies.
Hey.
Is that you? She's Polynesian.
Yeah, well, you said you had a whole life before me.
So maybe that's what you looked like before we met.
I'm just kidding.
- You're right there, see? - Yeah.
That's a dude.
Well, you said you had layers.
Maybe one of those layers was a huge wiener.
Seriously though, where am I? I was full-frontal and my foot was on the sink.
Who are you? All right.
That is your last book.
Can you make up a story? If I make up a story, you promise you'll go to sleep? Yeah.
Okay.
All right, I got a good one.
It's about a farmer.
Farmer Todd.
And he lived on a farm.
And he was happy.
And he liked to drink milk, in moderation.
Until Farmer Todd's wife decided to leave the farm in the tractor that he had given her for her birthday.
And then she used that tractor to help plow another farmer's field.
And Farmer Todd was alone.
Then what happened? Well, Farmer Todd made himself feel way better with a tall glass of milk.
And then another and then another.
Pretty soon, he was drinking four or five before lunch.
Why did he drink so much glasses of milk? Because he was going through a very thirsty time.
Farmer Todd didn't realize it yet, but he had a problem.
A big problem.
What was the big problem? Well, his problem was he had something called a God-sized hole that he couldn't fill, no matter how many things he put into it.
It's a hole on the inside of you, in your soul, and it never fills up, no matter how much milk you pour in.
Did you find me yet? That depends.
Were you ever an amputee? I don't get it.
I checked every wall.
- Honey - But It's okay if you dreamed this whole thing.
I didn't dream it up.
I was a nude model in real life.
Look, no one wants to see you naked more than I do.
- Okay? - Then let's go upstairs and keep looking.
Come on.
Whoa.
All right, I got to be here somewhere.
I want to paint naked co-eds.
How do I become a professor? I mean, he must have a picture of every student's vagina but mine.
How come I didn't make the cut? I wonder what her major was.
Also, check this out.
"Hi.
" "Hi.
" "Want to sixty-nine?" "Uh-huh.
" Sixty-nine.
Professor Holt.
Uh Art appreciation? How you doing? Good to So you posed for me.
- Yeah.
- Usually, I remember.
Lina, Lina, Lina.
You were a photography student, correct? No.
Uh, mixed media? Nope.
I was a business major.
Class of '97.
I took your sculpting class.
Of course, right, I remember now.
I'm so sorry.
You were an Army brat, right? You grew up in Germany, you like to play volleyball, got that beautiful, beautiful singing voice.
No? Well, I sometimes I, uh Ah, just a second.
Just a second.
Ah.
I think this No, no.
Sorry about that, I'm wrong again.
This is Marcie.
She was fantastic.
She's a heart surgeon now in Dallas.
Uh, that one over there, that's Tania.
She's got her own cooking show in Houston.
And last week, we got a postcard from Juliette over there.
She's assistant editor of Paris Vogue.
So, uh, what do you do now, Lina? Well, we live in Wine country.
We have a bed and breakfast there.
That we restored ourselves.
And we grow our own grapes.
Oh, lovely.
You guys have kids? No.
No.
We did not.
We we, um He couldn't, so we didn't do that.
Right.
But we have other stuff.
- We have Harleys.
- That's right.
We have two Harleys.
Yeah.
Actually, three.
Yeah.
I always forget about the little one.
The third was an accident.
It's a smaller bike.
You know, when you ride without a helmet, - anything can happen.
- Yeah, right.
Well, l-let me see if I can't find your nude somewhere.
Yeah, let's find her.
She told Farmer Todd she was 18, but it's hard to tell how old a chicken is, especially when she's Puerto Rican.
So, milk isn't enough anymore.
Farmer Todd is now snorting corn meal.
He can't think straight.
He keeps thinking the pigs, who are supposed to be his friends, are plotting against him.
Well, guess what happens when he breaks into the pig pen? He finds 60 grand in hay.
Now who's paranoid? Well, I'm sorry to say I can't imagine where your painting could've got to.
We did lose a couple in the fire.
Man, I picked the wrong career.
Did you, uh, attend school here also? I don't know.
- Did I? - Yes.
We actually met here and had our first kiss in the garden on the roof.
Well, that must've been before the jumpers.
Jumpers? Suicide Garden.
Wait.
Suicide Garden? That's what they call it? Well, not officially, no.
Um Well, how do we get up there? Well, you can't.
I mean, it's off-limits now, because you know, because But aren't you the one that taught me to challenge authority? Well, yeah, possibly.
To be honest with you, I can't quite place your face still.
Okay, I get it.
Um, why don't we, um you know, go up there anyway? How about carpe diem? I mean, come on, like it's a beautiful garden and now no one can even enjoy it, even if you don't want to kill yourself? It's not a party until you break a couple of rules, right? - Yeah! - Here we go.
Well, that is a great kid you have there lying right next to you.
He was worried about Farmer Todd.
Is Farmer Todd gonna be okay? Oh, buddy.
Don't worry.
Farmer Todd's gonna come out on top.
But not tonight.
No.
Good night, guys.
You're really right, Lori; it is kind of beautiful up here.
It's Lina.
Right.
Sorry.
have you ever modeled? You have an extraordinary look.
It's really powerful.
Oh, wait.
This is where we had our first kiss.
That's what I've been saying.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's all coming back to me now.
Finally.
We were watching your roommate puke on the quad, right? Yeah.
Right here, and that is when you thought it would be the perfect time to make your move.
Yeah.
Lina Weston, pretty cool.
Too bad she's dead now.
- She's not dead.
- Now she's just someone's wife, someone's mom, someone's pet owner.
Come on.
Nobody's cool forever.
Right? We can be cool tonight.
I could still be cool.
- Right? - Yeah.
What are you doing? Be careful.
Oh, I'm sorry, Mr.
Reliable.
Is this making you uncomfortable? - Lina, honestly, be careful.
- Is this - Is it making you uncomfortable? - Please don't do that.
Who's responsible now, Dad? Lina Go, Purple! Class of '97! - Lina - Do not jump! It's okay.
Oh, shit.
Stay where you are! Is that a real cop? Campus security.
- Oh.
- Sorry! Sorry! I promise, I am not depressed.
- I - Are you sure? I got the number of a counselor if you need someone to talk to.
No.
Seriously, I'm fine.
Yeah, we were just goofing around.
Well, in the future, you might want to be a little more responsible.
Okay.
Have a good night.
You, too.
What are you smiling about? I got busted by campus security.
Nothing reliable about that.
I'm framing this.
Another chili dog? Sir? Let me ask you a question.
Would you ever buy a children's book about addiction? Um, I guess.
Yeah.
Chili dogs for everyone!