M*A*S*H (MASH) s02e10 Episode Script

Hi, Mom.
I'm home.
- Washing socks? - I've got to.
I left 'em out for the elves to do last night.
The wouldn't touch 'em.
Can you blame them? You do lovely work.
I think I'm getting bedpan hands.
- Is your cold better? - Does a cold ever get better? You're shaving in the middle of the week.
Anybody I know? - Lieutenant Marquette.
- Oh, the new one.
You're very observant for a laundress.
I never met a nurse that didn't register.
- Get it? A registered nurse? - Oh, a registered nurse.
- [Laughing.]
- We're going on a picnic.
I'm gonna show her the beauty of Korea among other natural wonders.
These socks are dripping all over the floor.
It settles the dust.
[Mclntyre.]
I'll do yours for five dollars, Frank.
He doesn't wash his socks.
He wears them for a month, then burns them.
- Will you put that away, Frank! - I'm cleaning it! Playing with a gun, Frank, is very significant.
Highly Freudian.
Or am I guilty of pistol envy? I don't put any stock in that Freud stuff.
Oh, you might have been one of his original patients, Frank.
Oh, phooey.
I can just see you walking through the Vienna woods kissing a loaf of freshly-baked bread.
"Come with me to the laboratory, young man; I give you strudel.
" I happen to think that man is more than just an animal whose every thought is motivated by sex.
Well, there goes Hot Lips's evening.
Will you stop pointing that thing! The safety's on! I think.
Now it is.
[Giggles.]
Frank, I know it's irrational to ask you a rational question, but why do you need a gun? We are in a battle zone, mister.
Only three miles from the front.
You must have very long bullets.
- Hey, Hawkeye? - Yeah? - I got the stuff for your picnic.
- Oh, faithful Radar.
When I have the time, I'll make you tall.
What culinary delights did you get for us this time, old family container? - You've got breaded veal sandwiches.
- Good.
- With yesterday's lettuce.
- And tomorrow's bananas.
And neither is what it was or is going to be.
Get the tomatoes? - No.
- Why not? Uh, well, I looked at 'em, and something looked back.
Thanks.
Brandy.
Compliments of Colonel Blake.
- Not very much in it.
- He wasn't very complimentary.
- Fill it up.
- Huh? - Take some white brandy.
- Oh, right.
- You can't use him as a servant.
- No servitude involved.
- He likes me.
Don't you, Radar? - Uh, yes, sir.
And you don't like Major Burns, do you? Oh, no, that's not so.
I like you, sir.
Why do you always say nasty things about him behind his back? Hey! Boy! Honestly, sometimes! Geez! Well, I'm off.
Don't wait up for me.
Frank, if you don't put that gun away, I'm gonna break it into little pieces and feed it to you intravenously.
Are you aware that you're talking to an officer of superior rank? - Yes.
- Oh.
See you later, Trap.
Make notes.
It's hard to accept.
Here it's so peaceful, idyllic.
And right over there is a war.
I feel almost guilty.
Ah, these moments are necessary.
Not something we owe ourselves; something we owe them.
I feel better.
And it's only just begun.
Is that all right, Frank? Eight cans, eight shots.
That should be about right.
- Could I see the gun just once more? - You've seen it, Margaret.
There's just something about a pearl-handled pistol that makes me Did I tell you my father had one? No, I couldn't.
I just remembered that.
Isn't that curious, Frank? And exciting somehow.
Well, yes.
Does every new nurse fall in love with you here? No.
Only the ones with taste.
Do you think I have any? I don't know.
Let me taste you.
- [Gunshot.]
- What was that? You wait here.
Keep down.
Frank! You idiot! You know how close you came with that? - Came with what? I haven't fired yet! - I was right over there! - The bullet came within this close! - I haven't fired yet! - Don't lie! - He most certainly has not! Give it to me, Frank.
We'll give you a yo-yo or a doll that wets.
- No! - [Gunshot.]
- What was that? - A sniper! Sniper! The war! Remember? - Where are you going? - Grab a friend and get back to camp! ## [Korean Folk Music.]
[Chattering.]
[Gunshots Continue.]
[Shouting, Whistling.]
[Yelling.]
[Gunshots Continue.]
Those are shots, aren't they, Radar? - We're under fire, sir! - Well, hell's bells! We're a hospital.
[Gunshot.]
That's against the Geneva Convention.
I'm not for it either, sir.
We're completely unarmed.
Sitting here with our tails sticking out, helpless.
Radar, psst, come here.
- Call Headquarters and get some help.
- I'll call and get some help.
- Radar, it's not very safe out there.
- [Gunshot.]
It's not much better in here, sir.
[Gunshots Continue.]
- What happened? - [Screams.]
Oh, nothing.
I forgot my glasses.
Uh, I could go out there again if you wanted to volunteer me.
Oh, forget it.
You'd look silly with a hole in your head.
- Come here.
- Yes, sir.
You! You out there! Do you hear me? This is Lt.
Col.
Henry Blake! Do you hear me? [Gunshots Continue.]
That son of a gun hears pretty good.
- Can I have it quiet in here, please? - [Chattering, Pounding.]
- Uh people? - [Chattering Continues.]
Quiet! Shhh.
Quiet! The major has something to say! Quiet! Uh, quiet, please, please! May I have your attention? - [Chattering Continues.]
- Now, please, I want it quiet! - [Pounding Continues.]
- People! [Muttering.]
[Noise Stops.]
I don't know.
I've always had it.
All right, people.
I want everybody calm.
Completely calm.
And that's an order! - Now we're under - [Gunshot.]
[Screaming.]
We're under massive enemy attack! Col.
Blake, our commander, is missing in action.
He's trapped in the shower with Radar.
What a way to go.
Well, in that case, I'm assuming command until the colonel can be, uh, "deshowerized.
" It's like the Titanic in there without an orchestra.
I think there's only one, but I don't know.
There may be more.
What difference does it make? You want us to go after him with our diplomas? - [Gunshots Continue.]
- Look, we need help! Ye-Yeah, I realize that.
If there's a push on, there's gonna be wounded.
A-A-And we're pinned down! We can't move! Yeah, okay, okay.
Yeah.
We do the best we can.
[Sighs.]
There's a push on.
Tomorrow noon's the earliest they can get here.
[Gunshots Continue.]
[Houlihan Screams.]
What? Oh! - Thank God.
- Oh, congratulations.
You're alive.
- Are you all right? - Barely.
He's really peppering away.
We've been pinned down in the shower.
That's the cleanest you've been since it rained.
What's the situation in here? Desperate, Colonel.
No food, no ammunition.
- Low on supplies, low on morale.
- But very high on panic.
- Frank's been a marvelous commandant.
- He's risen to a new low.
You got casualties out there, son? Yes, sir.
Six.
And some of them look pretty bad.
- Mclntyre, check his arm.
- Come on.
Colonel, we've got to get them in here.
Major, I may not know the difference between a bayonet and a butter knife, but I do know that! - I hate to, but I've made a decision.
- Another first.
I'm gonna call Headquarters for immediate help.
Henry, we did.
We're on our own till tomorrow.
We can't just wait! We've gotta do something! Anything! I agree with Frank.
I think we should do anything.
I agree with Frank.
I think we should do anything.
The first thing we have to do before we do anything is to get the casualties out there in here.
- Got any ideas? - Isn't it obvious what we have to do? - What? - Surrender.
- Surrender? - What? There are wounded out there.
If we surrender, maybe we can help them.
Surrender? Surrender and be overrun by those yellow hordes? Overrun by a horde of one? There may be a squad of them out there! The minute you surrender, they infiltrate and crawl into your perimeter.
- Frank, there are ladies here.
- Colonel, if we are overrun, may I remind you of your responsibility for the women of this command? What guarantee do we have concerning the violations of our bodies the possibly numerous, multiple violations of our bodies by the enemy? What kind of guarantee do you want? - That remark is beneath notice! - Don't notice it.
Now, hold it, look.
I can't surrender without orders.
I mean, they emphasized that to me particularly.
I don't know exactly why.
I mean, the guy said, "Blake, never surrender without checking.
" Besides, Headquarters says there's a push on.
All the more reason not to surrender! Au contraire, Major! There are choppers gonna be flying wounded in here looking for the 4077 th.
If we surrender, there's a chance we can keep working.
Otherwise, we're just sitting here with our majors hanging out.
- Colonel, may I go on record - No! - Radar? - Get a white flag.
Yes, sir.
Okay for now.
Wave it, wave it.
Okay, start unloading! Let's go! Move! I hope he likes a parade.
[Gunshot.]
- [Shudders.]
- [Gunshots Continue.]
Let's go! Let's get these patients prepped! Let's go! Hurry it up! Come on! [Mclntyre.]
All right, hold it, hold it! Whew.
You okay? - Fine.
You? - Okay.
- I don't know about you, but I'm upset.
- Yeah? Why? My draft board promised me there wouldn't be any shooting.
Hey, holy moley! Look at this kid's gall bladder.
I got a weak stomach, Henry.
That's why I didn't go into medicine.
- Come on, sponge.
- Well, Pierce, maybe now you'll understand you can't do business with the commies.
How would you like your eyebrows plucked from inside? Just where did your appeasement get us? The sniper's still outside.
The generator's shot.
Yeah, but the wounded are in.
Stop yapping and work.
How they hate you for your courage.
Kid's not over 16.
Still got baby fat.
What is this, a children's war? It's everybody's war, Pierce.
- You can have my share.
- You selling bonds again, Frank? It's a little late in the game for pacifism, gentlemen.
You just don't quit.
And what happens if we do quit and they roll right over us? - You could roll over first.
- You're obscene! I'm even better on the phone.
Give me some more light here.
This is eerie.
Sit a little closer.
It drives away the eeries.
Why do I feel safe here with you? Search me.
I don't.
[Quiet Chattering.]
All things considered, I think things are running fairly smoothly.
Don't you think so, Radar? The tension is unbearable.
And building, building.
Can't you feel it, Frank? Can't you feel anything? Definitely.
Apart from the sniper, don't you think things are running fairly smoothly? Nobody's eaten in 13 hours, sir.
Yes, well, that coincides with how long we've gone without food.
I have this peculiar metabolism.
If I don't eat regularly, everything solid in my body turns to liquid.
My shoes are full of water.
They are not! A real man if we had a real man in this outfit would be out there in the darkness with his gun putting an end to this tension.
I don't do very well at night.
Since when? My optic adjustment to darkness is, uh, subnormal.
I don't see very well.
But I do, and may I say, Frank, that my eyes are wide open and seeing more than I care to.
[Snoring.]
- Margaret.
- [Gasps, Screams.]
Relax, relax! I'm not here for violation purposes.
Where's Frank? It's his shift.
He's not here.
He's not here! Frank? Frank! Come one step closer, and I'll blow your head off.
Frank, it's Hawkeye.
- Frank.
- Oh, hi! - Hi, Frank.
What's new? - Well, I, uh I was out hunting the sniper.
I was, really.
- Right.
- And then after a while, l Well Frank, even General Patton had his off days.
- Really? - Oh, he had days you wouldn't believe.
Days when he just had to slap someone.
Do you know how long it took me to become a doctor? - Do you? - I thought the usual time.
Twice as long.
I flunked out of two med schools.
I thought of switching to male nurse, but I could never make hospital corners.
- Frank, you really don't have to - During my internship, the local undertaker used to send me Christmas presents and calendars.
But I made it.
Why should I throw all that away? Let them send men that have nothing to lose.
Sure, Frank.
Sure.
Uh, Pierce? [Whispering.]
What are you going to say to, uh If you're lucky, and if I'm lucky, I won't run into her.
[Clattering.]
- The mess tent.
- The sniper? Quiet! Come on.
Me? He doesn't know we're out here, but we know he's in there.
- Gives us a good chance to catch him.
- Catch him? Or he catches us.
Whichever way it works out.
Look, if you want to be a hero that much, you go.
Frank, you know what a hero is? Ninety-nine times out of a hundred, he's somebody who's tired enough and cold enough and hungry enough not to give a damn.
I don't give a damn.
Come on.
Wait.
I'll come with you.
- [Clattering.]
- [Man Squealing.]
I got him! I got him! Stop shooting! - You almost killed me! - I didn't fire it! I didn't! Yes, I did.
I had to get something to eat! You'd risk your life for a, a ketchup on rye? With butter and lettuce! - [Gunshot.]
- That was too close.
[Whispers.]
Wow! You want to finish that sandwich here or in surgery? But, General, you promised us help by noon.
Well, what time is it now? Well, now, that's after noon, isn't it, sir? I mean, isn't it 12 up until it gets to be noon, and then you start all that "hundred hours" stuff? I wish the army would tell time like everybody else.
- I mean, no offense, sir, but this - [Helicopter Approaching.]
Wait.
Hold on a minute.
Hold Uh, the chopper's here, sir.
Yeah.
Uh, look, I'll call you back later.
What's that, General? I can't hear you.
I can't What? Look, I said I'd [Blows Raspberry.]
[Machine Gun Fire Continues.]
You think they got him? I think they got him and a half.
Holy It could be a trick.
He fired on our white flag, didn't he? Let's fire on his! [Stammering.]
Just spitballing.
I mean - Hey, Radar, you want to do me a favor? - Yeah, I'll get your bag.
- You sure you know what you're doin'? - Not really, no.
- Thanks.
- Sure.
See you.
If you knew how lucky you are to be getting this house call.
- [Mclntyre.]
What's the word? - He's gonna make it.
Oh, thanks, Radar.
I can use a little mother's milk.
Why was he shooting at us? - He's just a kid, 16 or 17.
- Gee.
Interpreter said he got cut off from his outfit, half out of his mind.
Scared, cold, hungry.
You won't believe this.
He thought this was MacArthur's headquarters.
- Oh, that's pathetic.
- He still thinks so! He went under thinking he was gonna be the most famous man in North Korea.
Seems a shame to disappoint him.
Be nice if MacArthur could pay him a bedside visit.
Where are you gonna get a MacArthur to show him, for Pete's sake? - What's going on? - You have returned.