Mork and Mindy (1978) s02e10 Episode Script

MORK: Nanu, nanu.
( upbeat theme playing ) ( upbeat theme playing ) Hey, here's one: "1963 Chevy, "only 15 miles, slight damage.
"Call after 6 p.
m.
Ask for Evel.
" Forget it.
What's wrong with your old car? We're tired of going through the car wash behind a tow truck.
Beggars shouldn't be choosers.
If you don't get a new car soon, you're gonna be hitchhiking to medical school.
( Greek accent ): Eureka! They are finished.
Look, my Greek cookies.
They make me so happy.
I've got to dance till my knees explode and my socks fall off.
Come with me.
Dance now.
( humming traditional Greek melody ) Hey! Hey! Hey! ( shouting indistinctly ) Come, my little garbo.
Sip on some ouzo and nibble my cookies.
The Greek typhoon.
( Jean laughs ) All right, I'll try one, let's see You can eat them on a Monday A Tuesday, a Wednesday A Thursday, a Fri REMO: Give me those.
Ah-ah! Never.
Ah-ah-ah! Now REMO: Your cousin Nelson's here again.
Oh, hi, Nelson.
Hi, Nel ( woman screams ) Excuse me, madam.
Nelson, what is wrong with you? I've been getting threatening phone calls.
And quite frankly, it's scaring the bejeebies outta me.
Sit down and tell us about it.
Some member of the lunatic fringe has been calling and saying that if I don't drop out of the city council race, I'd better start praying.
That's gonna be trouble.
Mindy said you didn't have a prayer.
Eh, do you have any idea who it is? No, except that it's a woman's voice.
A woman? He's scared of a woman.
( laughs ) Oh, please.
And why shouldn't he be scared of a woman? You never heard of Lizzie Borden, Mata Hari, Ma Barker? Ma Bell.
Yeah, women have the right to be homicidal maniacs too, you know.
Hey, cease and desist, quipsters.
My life could be at stake here.
Nelson's right, it doesn't matter whether it's a man or a woman.
Crank calls can really be scary.
Yeah, birdcalls can be scary too.
( squawking ) Let me tell you, obscene phone calls aren't any fun either.
I got a whole bunch when I was living back east.
I was petrified.
Really? Did you call the phone company? No, they wouldn't press charges.
He was one of their best customers.
( chuckles ) You know, there must be a reason that that woman is making these calls.
Yeah, who would hate you enough to do something like this? I've got it.
It's an old girlfriend that you used and threw away like a dirty sock.
I don't think so.
Most girls I use never call me again.
It's probably political.
Maybe it's one of the other candidates that's doing it.
Think about it, Nelson, it'd have to be somebody conniving.
Somebody who'd stop at nothing to get what he wants.
Don't be ridiculous, Min.
Why would Nelson call himself? ( playful theme playing ) Boop! Boop! Boop! Mork? Mork? Boop! ( whistles ) Mork.
Think you could read a little more quietly? Sure.
( mouths ): Boop.
( mouths ): Boop.
( mouths ): Boop.
It's for you.
Why, that's amazing.
How did you know that? I didn't.
But I didn't wanna stop reading until I got to see if Lolita gets to use her crayons or not.
Whoa.
Ha-ha-ha! Nelson.
What is all this? It's a disguise.
Ah, you're masquerading as a traveling flasher, eh? I got another phone call from that crazy woman.
Really? Yeah.
Are you sure it's the same one? Down to the last threat.
She asked me strange questions like, "Guess who's not gonna make it till election day?" Maybe she's just trying to change your political image.
Yeah, she says she's gonna do it with an ax.
Oh, that's terrible.
Are you on your way to a hotel? No.
Are you, uh, going out of town? No.
You're staying here.
Oh, thank you, Mindy.
I knew that when a fella gets in a jam, the first people he should turn to is family.
Oh, cuz.
Ohhh NELSON: I just wanna say thanks.
Thanks.
Make yourself at home.
Nelson, if I were you I'd call the police.
I did.
They said that a crank call isn't a crime.
I guess they can't do anything till I'm actually dead.
Well, maybe they'd investigate if you just laid there real still.
Well, we'll deal with all this tomorrow.
In the meantime, you're safe here.
Thanks, Mindy.
Morky.
It's people like you that make people like me like people like you.
Right now I'm too tired to think.
I'm I'm going to bed.
Good night.
Nighty-night.
Well, guess it's time to hit the straw.
You mean "hay.
" Well, if you insist.
Hey, it's time to hit the straw.
Well Good night.
'Night.
I feel much safer staying over here.
Good.
( Nelson screams ) NELSON: Don't turn out the lights! What's wrong? I I can't sleep with the lights out.
Oh.
Maybe I better read you a story, that might help.
Oh, that's a good idea.
All right.
Here you go.
"The moon highlighted her golden hair, and she could hear the soft twittering of a nightingale as she plunged the dagger again and again into Derek's back.
" ( playful theme playing ) Don't tell me, um, Orkan calisthenics? No, I'm working on my impression of Nelson's lava lamp.
That's pretty good.
Okay, guess what I'm doing.
( snorting ) Billy Carter.
( Laughs ) No.
Oh, the Vienna Hogs' Choir.
No, it's Nelson snoring.
He kept me awake all night last night.
Why would Nelson bring his lava lamp? It gives him a sense of security, makes him feel like he's almost hip.
( laughs ) ( phone rings ) Phone.
Mm.
Hello? No, he's in the shower now.
Can I help you? I'll take a message if I can.
( mouthed dialogue ) Something to write on.
Pardon the delay, it's hard to get good Caucasian help.
Hello ( indistinct speech over phone ) Mork, she says she's gonna get us too and she knows where we live.
Oh, no.
Death, despair, doom.
Come on, Min.
We've gotta bolt the windows up.
We gotta barricade the door.
Come on, Mindy.
Don't worry, come on.
Mork.
Oh, order some pizzas, Min.
Make 'em frozen pizzas, we can suck on 'em, they'll last longer.
This is serious.
We've gotta think about this calmly.
All right, Mind.
What we can do is create an electromagnetic force field.
We need some zirconium and a cambrium laser.
Now, where do you put your cambrium lasers and Hi, guys, what's all the hubbub? Get down! Get down! Do I sense danger? No, you sense threats.
That woman called again.
She said she'll arrange it so you can dance cheek-to-cheek with yourself.
She did? Don't ever leave me.
The worst part is she knows where we are.
Now, we've gotta figure this thing out.
Why don't you come down here and cower with us, Miss Brave? Not on the floor, on the sofa.
What, you guys think she's gonna shoot us through the window? ( all screaming ) MORK: It was probably Mr.
Death.
It was Mr.
Barstool.
Well, so this is politics.
I guess I shouldn'ta left your phone number with my answering service.
You left my number with your service? Well, only a few of the calls I get are death threats.
I do have an attaché case business to run, you know.
Come on, you guys, I mean, I think we're overreacting to this whole thing.
I mean, there's not gonna be any violence.
I read the people who make phone threats rarely cut you into little pieces.
How rarely? Well, never more than once.
Come on, let's not be so paranoid.
And let's not let this crazy woman get to us.
Let's just start acting like normal.
See? Now, isn't this better? ( all screaming ) Somebody broke my window.
Oh, it's nothing much, Min.
It's just a smoking can.
It's a bomb! Toss it, toss it! Okay.
Not to me! ( Mindy screaming ) ( suspenseful theme playing ) ( upbeat theme playing ) ( nasal voice): Well, we'll do all we can.
This stink bomb is probably just an isolated case of vandalism.
That's what some people said about Pearl Harbor.
But our lives are in danger.
( nasal voice ): Maybe that's why Joseph Wambaugh left the force.
This place kinda smells like cheese on a radiator.
What price charisma? Well, in case the worst happens, I decided to make out my last will and testament.
Oh, good.
Could I have your lava lamp and your collective works of Walter Mondale? Nelson, what we have to do is figure out why somebody's after you.
I've got it.
I've got it.
When you were a baby, you were abducted by a wandering tribe of albinos.
They were gonna make you their king.
But you were smart, even at that young age, and you escaped by running away nude in a snowstorm.
Will you be logical? I'd never run nude in the snow.
Well, here's another one.
You were Siamese twins, separated at the head, and she thinks you got the better deal.
Her name was Anathesia, and she's after you like Wait, I hate to interrupt you Hardy Boys in action.
But, Nelson, is it possible that you might have offended somebody in one of your campaign speeches? I don't think so.
Let's see, my last speech was Wednesday.
Well what did you talk about? Oh, the usual: Nothing.
Try and remember everything you talked about in that speech.
Well first I came out for keeping Boulder green.
Oh, that'll get the leprechaun vote.
Ha-ha! But it could antagonize the businessman.
Well, I also came out for green factories.
Did you make a stand on anything? I did say that Boulder should have a monorail system but for safety's sake, it should have two tracks.
And I really was firm on that one.
That's it? I think so.
I did come out against pornography.
I said that if I were elected, I'd close down every strip joint in this city.
Well, how many are there? One.
It opened a couple weeks ago.
Well, that's probably it, Nelson.
One of the strippers must be threatening you.
( phone rings ) I-if that's for me, I'm not here.
If that's her, I'm gonna tape the conversation.
Answer.
NELSON: I'll answer it, but don't expect me to be polite.
Hello? ( indistinct speech over phone ) ( phone clicks ) That's fine.
She hung up, let's play it back.
WOMAN ( on tape ): If you don't get out of town, the next bomb's gonna be real.
And the three of you will be splattered all over Boulder.
Oh, Mindy, we've gotta get out of here before they make human confetti out of us.
The first thing we have to do is find this woman.
She's gotta be one of the strippers at the Bare Facts Club.
Eh, you can't go.
They'd recognize you because of your eyes.
Eh, it's up to you and I, Mind.
I'm not going into any strip joint.
Come on, sometimes it's your moral duty to be sleazy, so get your pasties, let's go.
I've got faith in you, Mind.
You could crack this case just like Sam Spade.
Oh, what a great detective.
Too bad he couldn't have puppies.
( upbeat theme playing ) ( air hissing ) Mork, this is so embarrassing.
Would you look at me? What would my grandmother say if she saw me dressed like this? Take it off.
As a matter of fact, she would.
Are you here for the audition? Oh, yes.
Sid Morkenstein, William Morkis Agency.
I love you, darling, more than you'll ever know.
I represent Miss Mindy Rose Lee.
She's the Boulder Bombshell.
Pleased to meet you.
I love the balloons, darling.
I bet you don't have a pet porcupine, huh? No, not anymore.
Does that sound like the voice on the phone? I don't think she knows how to use a phone, Min.
Well, let's move on.
Love what you're doing, sweetheart.
Let's have breakfast, lunch, dinner one day.
Fantastic.
Hello, Sid Morkenstein, William Morkis Agency, how are you? Love Hey, great-looking bear.
Sure am.
That's why I'm in this business.
So's the kid.
Right, sweetheart? Yeah.
Sure is a nice place.
It's a lot better than the joints I've been working in.
Yeah What are you talking about? Uh, pardon me, are you interested in politics? No, but I had an old boyfriend once that taught me how to pronounce Zai-air.
( balloon deflating ) Excuse me.
I bet you'd be really bummed out if some politician tried to close this place down.
No, there are always places to work.
We move around a lot.
I hear that.
But you haven't seen anyone move till you've seen the Boulder Bombshell.
I mean I'm talking about She takes off so much you can see her bones, you know? Ho-ho-ho! Wazoo, wazoo.
Ha-ha-ha! I'm talking good times here.
Yeah.
Excuse me, Sid? Can I talk to you for a minute? Oh sure, darling.
Excuse me.
We'll get back to you, I'll put you on hold.
Love you.
Knock off this stuff about the audition.
I'm not getting up there and doing anything.
Do you think any of these ladies did it? I don't think so.
None of their voices sound familiar.
And she said that she could get work anywhere, so why would they care if this place closed down? Oh.
I've got it.
The owner of the club is a woman.
Ha-ha-ha! Maybe.
Okay, girls, let's get this show on the road.
I want you to get up here and strut your stuff.
Mindy, get your struts ready.
RON: And remember, only the best girl gets to audition for the boss.
I don't think I can go through with this.
Why not? Nelson would take his clothes off for you.
Okay, you, with the balloons.
You're first.
Harry, give me a spot.
Do you mind? My name is Cherry Balloons, and I did the following number at a recent stag party.
I got a standing ovation.
Play something soft and sultry.
( cabaret piano music playing ) ( balloons popping ) Okay, thanks a lot.
Yeah, I think we get the idea.
We'll give you a call, okay? Mork, you better get backstage and find out if the owner is a woman before I end up on that stage.
Now, there, sweetheart.
Sid Morkenstein, William Morkis Agency, how are you? Hey, it's a great cigar.
Too bad about Castro, huh? Listen, I've seen better dancing at the New York City Ballet, you know what I'm talking about? Hey.
You gotta see the Boulder Bombshell there.
'Cause there is a woman there that I want your boss to see, because when she can move it, she really moves it.
It must be cream 'cause milk don't flow like that.
Hey, hey.
What do you want? Basically I want your boss to see the young woman here.
Even blind people go, "Something interesting around there.
" The boss'll be out when he's ready, you know? All right.
Fantastic, we'll get back to you.
We'll have breakfast, lunch, dinner someday, okay? Yeah, you just wait your turn.
My pleasure, I feel great energy, it's gonna be great.
Okay.
Hey, hey.
Okay, you, you're next.
Come on.
Please play something reeking of innocence.
( piano playing ) Right.
Whoa, whoa, wait a minute.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a minute.
Wait a minute, no, no, no.
What kind of an audience do you think we got out here, the Muppets? Well, I refuse to make artistic compromises.
Come on, Lex.
Good luck, kid.
RON: Okay, Bombshell.
You're next.
Mork, I can't go up there.
RON: Come on, what's the matter? You ashamed of your body? No.
Well, then, let's see it.
Wouldn't you rather see his? Come on, I don't have all day.
Come on, come on.
What kind of music do you want? You don't want no music.
Play it Acapulco.
No ( piano playing ) ( inaudible dialogue ) Thanks a lot there, Bombshell.
That was really exciting.
Wait a minute.
It isn't fair.
Her snake's doing a jungle picture, how about that? Now, listen.
Don't just tell me thanks.
Get in there and tell your boss that Sid Morkenstein wants to see him, man.
No one demands to see the boss.
Hey, well, it was just a request, really, I Um, listen, she had a little stage fright, you know? A little nerves.
You know how it goes, don't you, sweetheart, don't you? I guess I'll show you how it works.
Hit it, son.
( piano playing cabaret music ) Eh, all right, all right, all right.
I ain't crazy about your act, but maybe the boss might like it.
Hey, boss, come on out here.
Oh, thanks, Mr.
DeMille.
Oh that's the boss.
Mindy, I think our little hunch was wrong.
Yeah.
Thank you sweetheart, darling.
Have your service call my service.
What it was.
Heh-heh! Beautiful day, great energy for the room.
( high-pitched voice ): All right, Ron, what's going on out here? She's our man, Min.
Thanks.
( upbeat theme playing ) I wanna thank you two for preventing the untimely demise of a future city councilman.
Hey, we're just a couple of courageous kids.
Weren't you scared in that strip joint? Are you kidding? Mindy McConnell knows how to handle herself.
Oh, I was really amazed.
The police came and arrested that guy.
I'll never forget his last words too.
( high-pitched voice ): "How'd you know it was me?" There's no place in this country for soprano terrorism.
Did you look nice in your costume? Pretty nice.
Oh, real nice.
And she got a ride home in a big Cadillac with a man with a wide-brimmed hat.
This whole ugly business has taught me a very valuable lesson.
I'm never gonna make a stand on anything again.
Well, you'll make a perfect vice president.
And I'm gonna be a lot more careful now that I know that people are out to get me.
Oh, don't be paranoid.
Next you'll say people are trying to poison your food.
Eat your sandwich.
Uh um What do you think? We're gonna poison you? Eat it.
I'm not hungry right now.
I-I'll taste it for you, Nelson.
There we go.
Not bad.
( screaming ) Mork! Mork, what's wrong? Too much mustard.
( upbeat theme playing ) ( mystical theme playing ) Mork calling Orson.
Come in, Orson.
Mork calling Orson.
Come in, Orson.
Mork calling Orson, come in Orson.
ORSON: Here I am, Mork.
Oh, coming in loud and clear, O Great Seam-Stretcher.
Let's dispense with the niceties, Mork.
What did you learn this week? Well, why tell you, when I can show you? Hit it.
( cabaret piano music playing ) What are you doing, Mork? Well, sir, it's what Earthlings call a striptease.
You wouldn't believe this, but some humans will pay money to watch other humans take off their clothes.
You mean that Earthlings would pay to watch me undress? There's a difference between a striptease and a strip threat.
Speaking of threats, sir, some humans will use threats of physical violence to get their own way.
That's terrible.
Indeed it is, because it makes other humans afraid to voice their own opinion.
I see.
They think it's safer to keep things under their hats.
Oh, especially their heads.
But I thought Earthlings prized their freedom of speech very highly, Mork.
Well, they do, sir.
But only a few are willing to pay the price to keep it.
Until next week, sir.
Nanu, nanu.
( humming melody ) ( upbeat theme playing ) ( upbeat theme playing )