Mount Pleasant (2011) s02e10 Episode Script

BING CROSBY: It's Beginning To Look A Lot Like Christmas Everywhere you go Take a look in the five-and-ten Glistening once again With candy canes and silver lanes aglow It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas Christmas Toys in every store (GIGGLES) But the prettiest sight to see Is the holly that will be On your own front door A pair of Hopalong boots and a pistol that shoots Is the wish of Barney and Ben Dolls that will talk and will go for a walk Is the hope for Janice and Jen And Mom and Dad can hardly wait for school to start again It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas Everywhere you go There's a tree in the Grand Hotel (SNORTS) (LAUGHS) .
.
The sturdy kind that doesn't mind the snow Happy Christmasstud! .
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To look a lot like Christmas Soon the bells will start (Happy Christmas, darling.
) And the thing that will make 'em ring Is the carol that you sing Right within your heart Gary! Gary! I think he's been.
But the prettiest sight to see Is the holly that will be On your own front door Bye, Mum, bye, Dad.
Happy Christmas.
I love you.
Merry Christmas! Are you OK? (SNIFFS) It's just Mum.
How are they? Oh, they're fine.
They'll call back later to see if you like your Christmas jumper.
Oh, come on, love.
I just miss them.
I know you do but my mum and dad will be round later and everyone will be popping by.
And you've got me! I know.
Well, that's more like it.
Now, how about a Dan special egg on toast with a bloody Mary and a game of strip snap? Strip snap? Well, it is Christmas.
(HOLLOW LAUGH) Well, I can't argue with that.
Oh! (GASPS) You haven't, have you? Not what? You bloody have, haven't you? Da-daah! (WHOOPS) Ohhh! Not something special? Happy Christmas.
Wow! Is this all for me? Of course.
This is brilliant, Bianca.
Thank you so much.
What's that? Happy Christmas, Bianca.
Oh, thank you.
Ohhh! Do you like it? It's the nicest, most beautiful thing I've ever seen in my whole life.
Oh! Oh, my God, it's beautiful.
Do you like it? I love it.
(CHORTLES) Well? I sent off for them on the internet.
Did ya? They're the same as them ones that woman had on at the spa.
Yeah, I know they are.
You do like them, don't you? I love them.
I can't believe you got me this! (GIGGLES) So, we meant it, did we, when we said we were not bothering with presents? Course we bloody did.
You've not pawned a necklace and bought me a Toblerone, have you? Have I buggery! Just thought you might have done, that's all.
What, bought you a Toblerone? You'd better watch out You'd better not cry .
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Santa Claus is coming to town Santa Claus is coming to town Santa Claus is coming to town He's making a list (GROANS) And checking it twice We're gonna find out who's naughty or nice Santa Claus is coming to town (GROANS) (TOILET FLUSHES) # Santa Claus is coming to town Santa Claus is coming to town What are you doing? Just getting ready to go to our Dan and Lisa's.
We're not going till three.
I think I should help Lisa with the spuds.
You, help with the spuds? Yes, me, help with the spuds.
What about my Christmas promise? Doh Aw! (GROWLS) Ah, brilliant.
Thanks, babe, that's brilliant.
Hm-hm.
Oh! (SIGHS) Smashing.
I was going to get you some nice knickers.
But then I thought, when you get her nice knickers, she takes them back and gets different ones, so I thought you could just use that and get the right knickers in the first place.
Oh, that's ace, that is.
(TV ON) Well, best peel them spuds.
(LAUGHS) What? You don't think I'm that bad a husband, do you? They're a wind-up? You don't think I'd actually just sit here watching that while you're in the kitchen peeling spuds? Just hear those sleigh bells jingling, ring-ting-tingaling, too Come on, it's lovely weather for a sleigh ride together with you Outside the snow is falling and friends are calling 'Yoo-hoo!' Are you ready? It's lovely weather for a sleigh ride together with you Giddy-up, giddy-up, giddy-up, let's go I thought I said you need to get ready.
The homeless shelter.
I don't really want to go.
You said you thought it was a good idea.
It is a good idea.
It's your good idea.
It's what you do at Christmas, it's not what I do.
Me and Mum just chill after opening the presents and watch Star Wars or something.
Me and your dad normally go to the shelter.
I'm not coming, Bianca.
Then the least you can do is get yourself clean and tidy for dinner this afternoon.
And for your information, I hate Star Wars.
THE WAITRESSES: Christmas Wrapping Snap! Ohhhh, you're cheating.
It's snap, how can you cheat? Come on, get 'em off! (MIMICS SOUL CROONING) Come on.
Aow! Your winning streak is over.
I think you'll find you're the one streaking.
Well, what are you taking off next? Calm down! (LAUGHS) Oh, no! Get 'em off! Oh, God! (GROANS) Ooh, ooh, ooh! Ooh, yeah! Ha-ha-hah! (LAUGHTER) Hi, kids.
(GASPS) Are we decent? Ooh! Nowt we've not seen before.
I'm mortified, Dan.
They saw the lot.
They've seen worse.
Not where I'm concerned, they haven't.
Anyway, what are they doing here now? I said three! Well, how the hell should I know? That was your mother's doing.
I tried to tell her to wait.
Don't know what's up with her, she's in a foul mood.
Who's in a foul mood? Oh, God I could just do with a lager.
Not against the law, is it? BOTH: Fridge.
What the frig is that? What do you think it is? That's a leg of lamb, is that.
Well done, Mother, nicely observed.
No turkey? You can't have Christmas without turkey.
Do me a favour, Mum, and don't mention the T-word.
Lisa said she'd never be able to cook one quite like Sue can and she didn't want to make a balls-up of it, so we've got some lamb.
I could have done it.
Look, she's upset about her mum and dad as it is.
Can you not just do me a favour and keep a sock in it? For me? Just for today.
Hm? (DOORBELL RINGS) Hey, Gary, come in.
Everything OK? Yeah, great, thanks.
Wow! Bianca.
And I'm still invited for Christmas dinner? Yeah, why wouldn't you be? I've just seen Bianca.
She was crying.
Crying? Mm.
She wanted me to go to this stupid homeless shelter thing.
Yeah? Doesn't sound that stupid to me.
It's what she used to do with Dad and he's not here, is he? But it's because he's not here that she still wants to go.
Just try and see it from her point of view.
You know, when uhwhen you've lost someone, Christmas, it'sit's difficult.
Yeah.
Mm.
I know.
Did you see Cassie and Jake? Yeah, I took them out for tea last night.
And then I had to drop them off at nine and then uh I spent the night in a Travelodge.
Grim.
It was really grim.
None of this lot for me this morning, just a an empty room and an empty M6.
She's doing her best for you, Gary.
You're a lucky lad.
There you go.
Thank you.
It really is very good of you to help me out like this.
Oh, it's really no bother.
So, you doing something nice? Yes, I'm cooking for Chris and Gary.
How was this morning, withoutwithout Jim? I got him a present.
I wrapped up a little box all nicely.
Nothing in it.
It's symbolic, really.
You are coping admirably, you do realise that, don't you? Thank you.
We wish you a merry Christmas We wish you a merry Christmas BOTH: And a happy new year I come bearing gifts.
She's like one of the three kings, isn't she? Not literally.
I meant, if they were queens, obviously.
Have you two met? No, I don't believe I've had the pleasure, no.
Kate-Roger, Roger-Kate.
Hello! I've heard only good things, Reverend.
I believe you're the new judge of the annual Mushroom Soup Competition at Ashley Hall.
Yes, indeed I am, yes.
I came a very close second a couple of years back.
I should enter again now I know who I need to impress.
(LAUGHTER) Naughty! Oh! (GASPS) Hello.
We thought you could use some help.
Sorry for being a dick.
Gary, you can't say 'dick' in front of a clergyman! It's no bother, I've heard far worse.
I'll hand these mince pies out.
Oh! What a helpful boy.
Such a lovely lad.
Boys of that age usually are.
Er Helpful, I mean.
Boys of that age are usually quite helpful.
(Yes.
) I'll be I'll be over there.
(SNIGGERS) Mm! Thank you for bringing him.
Yeah, we had a little chat.
He's uh He's just a young lad missing his dad.
Today is going to be tough for both of us, cock, but if we stick together, we'll get through this, I promise.
Come on, give me a hand with all these.
(COUGHING) (SINGS ALONG WITH TV) # Where troubles melt like lemon drops Away above the chimney tops Is where you'll find me Somewhere over the rainbow Bluebirds fly Birds fly over the rainbow Are you absolutely sure that's enough for the four of us? It's plenty, Pauline.
I've seen more meat on a sparrow's kneecap.
You'll be all right once you've finished your roasties, and this, of course.
You have put sponge fingers in, haven't you? Yes, I've put sponge fingers in, Pauline, is that OK? That's fine.
It's that fruit cocktail stuff I can't stand.
I mean, who in their right mind eats glace cherries? And don't get me wrong, but how pointless are pears? Ooh, it's cold out h- (SNORING) Kitchen, now! Well, you are going to have to say something.
Like what? I don't know.
But I'm not having my Christmas Day ruined by your mother.
It's my Christmas Day, an' all, and I had mine ruined last year by your mother! You're still going on about Chitty Chitty Bang Bang?! I'm not going on about it.
I haven't mentioned it for a bastard year! You had to bring it up, didn't you? You had to use dirty tactics.
It's bad enough my mum and dad are in Spain without you reminding me.
I haven't mentioned it once! You are going to have to talk to her.
We've not even eaten yet.
What she's going to be like when I bring the Stilton out? (MIMICS) 'I'm not being funny, Lisa, but who eats cheese?' I eat cheese, Pauline, Gromit eats cheese, Pauline.
Every bugger eats cheese, Pauline! Now look what you've done, you idiot! Oh, little town of Bethlehem How still we see thee lie Bianca? Kate's very kindly left us these.
She said we can take them back and have them for afters.
Looked like she was in a bit of a hurry, actually.
It's a shame she had to go to Preston.
I could offer her a sweet sherry at the vicarage if she was stuck for company.
She's gone to Preston? Mm, Christmas dinner with Auntie Dee.
She told me she was having Christmas dinner with her Uncle Patrick in Stalybridge.
I don't remember his name but she said she's going to Timperley to see an old band mate.
BOTH: Band mate? Sounds like bullshit to me.
Gary, you can't say 'bullshit' in front of a clergyman.
Look, I know she's a bit of a fruit loop, but I don't think she's got four personalities.
But Gary's right, she's making it up.
What do you mean? It's what people do, they tell people they're off to an orgy - Chris! When really they are just having a ready meal for one.
He's right, my Auntie Freda used to say she was going round for Christmas dinner with an old Earl from Chester.
Biggest load of bullshit ever.
(LAUGHS) We can't have this, she'll have to come to us.
Someone will have to go and get her.
I'm sorry.
You don't need to be sorry, love.
I'm a bit touchy today.
I'm really missing my mum and dad.
I know you are, kid.
And I'm a bit pissed off with Dan, actually.
Why, what's he done? It's what he's not done, more like.
We said we weren't going to get each other anything special.
Like you do, you know.
Yeah.
I do.
Well, I got him a watch and he got me these.
What the frig are them? Well, he's never gone overboard, has he, our Dan? The last thing I expect on Christmas morning is a nice necklace or some earrings.
Like his father, bloody useless.
He's not got you a prezzie, has he? It's not just that, Lisa.
That's not all he's done.
Ooh, this sounds ominous! He's not got her a prezzie.
Oh, you're joking? Don't worry, we've got a couple of lovely presents for you to open round the table later, haven't we? Yes, Mum, course we have.
You're good kids, you two.
I know we are, and it's Christmas Day.
Isn't it about time we all started enjoying ourselves? Couple of snowballs, some games? Too right! Come on.
Oh, my God! Shit, the bath! I left the bath - Run up and turn it off.
Argh! Oh! Oh, bugger.
Christmas The snow's coming down Christmas I'm watching it fall Christmas Lots of people around Christmas Baby, please come and call It's just mess, Bianca.
We can always clear away mess.
But it smells so horrible.
Everything's ruined.
The food isn't, though.
Oh, love, are you OK? Right, I'm going to go over and see Dan, see if he can help.
What on earth has happened? And it's all my fault.
Somebody should get her a drink.
Good idea.
You know, Bianca, I think it might be best if I head back home.
You've got enough on your plate, you don't need a stray cat like me wandering in.
Oh, no, I want you to stay.
I mean, the food's fine and we've got plenty.
You can't be on your own, Kate.
Roger was right, I'd love a drink.
We should all have a drink.
Oh, go on, then! You twisted my arm.
Thanks very much.
Yeah.
Right foot red.
Ooh.
Left hand, yellow.
Huh? (GRUNTS) (LAUGHTER) Right hand, green.
(LAUGHS) Are you taking the piss? Why would I be taking the piss? Just try, Mum.
You're taking the piss now, an' all.
Oh, go on, Pauline! Hello! Oh, hello, love, come in.
Oh, sorry to disturb you.
Bianca's had a bit of a flood and I know it's really cheeky but we were wondering if you could take a look, Dan.
But it's Christmas Day! She's distraught.
Oh, of course he will.
Thank you.
Really appreciate it.
Come on, grab your tools.
No, no, no! You should never take a turkey out mid-roast.
But I'm basting.
But you do that from in there.
All that heat lost, you'll never get it back.
But I can't get to the other side.
Yes, she'll burn her hands.
Well, have you not got a baster? No.
Oh, what a shame, I've got three at home.
I've got two, actually.
Have you? Yeah, I could have brought one round as a spare.
I didn't think.
So could I.
Fancy us pair having more than one baster.
We're kindred spirits, we are.
Cheers.
Good health.
Ah Oh, Dan, I'm so sorry, this is all you need.
Don't be sorry, it's not your fault.
It's more than a bit of a mess, that lot.
So, erm, what about your dinner? Oh, don't worry, everything's safe in there.
What's she doing here? Bianca invited me.
She's very kind.
Oh, I don't know about that.
What's kind about inviting someone to eat a bomb site? You weren't to know this was going to happen.
Hi, Roger! Hello.
It's bad, isn't it? It's nothing that we can't fix with a bit of plaster and paint.
But you've got no chance today.
Please don't get upset.
Sorry! Oh, Bianca, love, don't cry.
I just wanted it to be perfect.
Listen, why don't you all eat with us? We've got a big enough table and Bianca's cooked all this.
What do you reckon, eh? (SNORES & MUTTERS) Most Right, you two.
You're needed.
Everyone's coming over here for dinner.
You'll like this, Pauline, we're going to have turkey.
You should see the size of it, Mum, it's massive.
Nowt she can't handle, I'm sure, living with the likes of me.
(LAUGHS) When are you going to know when to fucking stop? Do you know something, Charlie Johnson? You're not funny.
And shall I tell you summat else? You're not big, neither! And you're not cool and you're not clever and you're not smart.
You're a waste of space, and a snake, and I've had it up to here with you today! Totally up to here! Pauline! Oh Look I found a card from Babs.
What? She sent him a card, to my house, and he's hidden it, hasn't he? Under our bed.
What a bastard! I'll throttle him.
I didn't mean to ruin your day.
I am so sorry, Lisa.
Hey, you haven't ruined anything.
You just need to talk to him.
You need to know what's going on.
Come on, it's freezing.
And there's a turkey over there with your name on it, remember.
Oh, God! Maybe this is how it will always be, son.
Me not being able to do anything right ever again.
It's the consequences of making bad choices, if we're going to get technical.
I thought she'd forgiven you.
So did I, son.
She's always been a bit moody on Christmas morning.
It's all that lager from the night before.
It's Christmas afternoon, Son, not Christmas morning.
Mm.
Do you remember when she had too many snakebites and ended up in the wrong garden? Where Mr Shaw found her.
With Uncle Ronnie's vest on her head.
You told me she'd run off with Uncle Ronnie that night.
Cried myself to sleep.
Proper little mummy's boy, you were.
You needed something to toughen you up, something to stop you passing through the other side.
Loving your mum doesn't make you gay, Dad.
I know, Son.
Sometimes I said stupid things just to make you less clingy.
I wanted you to look up to me like you looked up to her all the time.
I always looked up to you, Dad.
Don't worry about that.
Even if I was a mummy's boy.
(SIGHS) All I want for Christmas Is Right, love, are you ready to roll? Yes! You really are very kind, letting us all come round.
Gary! I don't want a lot for Christmas There is just one thing I need Here Ooh! Thank you.
Look, Dad, be ready, be ready.
All right, all right.
Charlie, thank you.
Come on! You want to quicken up.
Dad More than you will ever know Make my wish come true All I want for Christmas is you WHAM: Last Christmas I don't want any of us to fall out, not at Christmas.
Me, neither.
I know it's been hard for you today with your mum and dad not here.
I'm a big girl, I can cope.
I just my mum would stop picking on my dad.
She found a cardfrom Babs.
What? She's upset.
I'll bloody kill him! Leave it, Dan.
Not today.
Let them sort it out themselves.
Remember this one down the Locarno? How could I forget it? Smooch with me, Pauline.
Look, if all these people weren't here right now, today would be a very different story, Paul.
But it's Christmas and I didn't want to ruin it for our Dan and Lisa.
But I can't do this any more, I can't take any more of your bullshit.
We're finished.
What? It's over! Mum? Did you not see that? I only asked her for a dance.
She found the card, you idiot! From Babs.
Oh, bugger.
After everything you said.
You lied to my mum and you lied to me before.
You're full of shit! No, son, it came in the post the other day.
I didn't know anything about it.
I mean, I had to hide it.
What else could I do with your mum there? I didn't want to hurt her.
I love her, Lisa.
And I love you two, you're my family.
I'll not fuck it up again, I promise.
Go and sort it, then.
(Aye.
) You were in the shower.
I'd no idea who it was from.
I opened it, saw the name, and shoved it under the bed when I heard the water stop running.
I told you, I can't do any more of your bullshit.
I promise you, Pauline you're the one for me, you know you are.
But I don't know, Charlie.
I don't want her.
I want you.
Ooh! What do you think you're doing? What's that? You were looking in the wrong place, you dozy cow.
This was under the kitchen sink.
Open it.
Oh.
Marry me, Pauline.
For keeps this time.
Have yourself a merry little Christmas (CRACKER SNAPS) (LAUGHTER) Anyone fancy carving? I will.
Er, no, you're all right, it's a man's job.
Excuse me! Before you start burning your bra, let's have a vote on it.
Yeah.
Hands up if you think carving the turkey's a man's job.
(GASPS) It's pathetic! Ah, well, in that case, come here.
Well, go on, then, tuck in.
(CHATTER) (CLEARS THROAT) Oh, God, we forgot grace.
Who the frig's she? Grace, Mother, prayers! No, no, actually, no.
We can all do grace in a minute if that's what you want.
No, what I'd really like to do is to say a few words, if I may.
Go ahead, mate.
Stand up, cock.
Oh, yes.
Right, well, I'd just like to say that of all the places I have spent Christmas Day, and of all the people that I've spent it with, I have never felt more warmly welcomed than here.
Ah.
You're all a very special bunch of people.
And so I would like to propose a toast, if I may.
To Bianca, for helping me this morning.
Oh! OTHERS: To Bianca! (CHATTER RESUMES) To Kate.
For all you lovely mince pies.
To Kate.
To Kate.
Kate.
Go on, you can start.
To Dan and Lisa, for letting us all come round here.
OTHERS: Dan and Lisa.
Dan'n'Lisa.
(MOUTHS) Right, are we done, shall we eat, before my ribs snap? (LAUGHTER) Will you excuse me a minute? Of course.
Are you all right, cock? It's fine.
It's just seeing everyone together, you know.
I know.
Yeah.
Shall I leave you for a moment? It's fine.
Well, you know where we are when you need us.
Please, will you er will you just stay with me for a minute, Bianca? I don't know what I would have done without you today.
I don't know what I'd have done without you, either.
You are so special.
Come on, our dinner will be getting cold.
I don't care about Christmas dinner.
Well, you should.
I made the stuffing from scratch.
I even grew the sage.
(CHUCKLES) What? You.
What about me? I love you.
No, you don't, cock.
You're feeling lonely and it's Christmas and we've all had a bit too much wine.
It's not because I'm lonely and it's got nothing to do with Christmas.
I love you.
It's that simple.
Stop it, Chris.
You're being silly.
Come on, let's go back in.
You're drunk.
Nah, I'm not drunk.
I love it that you panic about wearing trainers.
I love it when you call everyone 'Cock'.
Mm, really inappropriately.
I love it that you think inviting the local vicar round for a game of Twister is perfectly normal behaviour.
I love your smile.
You've got such a beautiful smile, Bianca.
And I love it when you cry because it just makes me want to look after you.
And I love what you've done for that lad in there since his dad died.
You're brilliant, Bianca.
You're really bloody brilliant.
Now I sound like an idiot spouting out rubbish, when all I want to do is kiss you.
Can I kiss you? Properly kiss you? No-one's ever said anything like that to me before.
Oh! We'd best go back and get some food.
Before it all gets a bit Ingrid Bergman.
(GIGGLES) Like a pig-in-a-blanket? Oh, a toast to Bianca and Chris, I think.
Bianca and Chris! I don't want to piss on anyone's chips, but do you mind if I do a toast? Oh, can I have my frigging dinner first? Pauline! It's been really hard for me today, without my mum and dad and I know I've been a bit of a stroppy cow, and I'm really sorry.
But, you know, do you know what I've loved about it? Well, with you lot here it'sit's actually been all right.
And I'm actually OK, and after the flood, we all mucked in and I think Bianca's OK, too.
So, we're all OK.
(LAUGHTER) And I'd just like to say, thank you, really, to the lot of you, well, for making this such a great day.
To you lot! OTHERS: To us lot! (CLEARS THROAT) Aw! Right, right, now.
I really am going to piss on your chips.
Ohhh.
Come on.
I'm getting married in the morning Ding-dong, the bells are gonna chime (LAUGHS) Oh, it's all right, Son, it's really all right.
Hm! Hooray! (APPLAUSE & LAUGHTER) Happy Christmas, everyone! Happy Christmas! Happy Christmas! (CHATTER) I'm really pleased for you.
Congratulations! I know.
He went down on bended knee.
What's up? You're all right about your mum and dad, aren't you? Course I am! I just wanted to tell you your speech was ace.
(LAUGHS) Oh, thanks.
And today's been amazing.
The food, my present - Aw, really? AndI still can't believe you haven't kicked off about your present.
Why would I kick off? I love 'em.
Oh, come on! Don't tell me you haven't wanted to cut head off cos of those monstrosities.
You don't really think I wouldn't get you a special present, do you? Ohhhhh (LAUGHS) Go on, just open it.
(GASPS) Ah.
Do you like 'em? I love them.
Ohhh! Mm! Aw! (DOORBELL RINGS) Oh! BOTH: Happy Christmas! Come in! Take your coats off.
It's freezing! Hello, Joshua.
Are we too late for tequila charades? I think so.
Yeah, you haven't missed the karaoke, though.
(LAUGHTER) Come in.
There you go, cheers.
Oh! .
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For a day ALL: # So here it is, merry Christmas Everybody's having fun Look to the future now It's only just begun Happy Christmas, everyone! So here it is, merry Christmas Everybody's having fun Look to the future now It's only just begu-u-un So here it is, merry Christmas Everybody's having fun It's Chr-i-i-stmas! Look to the future now It's only just begun