My Family (2000) s02e10 Episode Script

(Phone) (Sleepily) Ben.
The phone.
(Phone continues) Susan, the phone.
Ben, the phone! (Groans) Do you know what bloody time it is? Oh it's your mother.
Tell her I'm not here.
It's 5am in the morning, where else are you likely to be? - Just tell her I'm out.
- Where? A rave? You're going to pay for this! Hi, Mum.
- Yes, that was Ben.
- (Groans) Yes, he's still a dentist.
Yes, we're still together.
I assure you, we're very happy.
- I'm not bloody happy! - What do you want? - Our address? - Oh, God.
It's the same as it's been for the last ten years.
It's not my fault you haven't come to visit.
OK, but - Yes, but - (Groans) - Oh, Ben wants to talk to you.
- No, no.
Oh, all right.
Goodbye.
Why would I want to talk to her? I just tell Mum that to get her off the phone.
What did she phone for other than to wake me? To invite us to a get-together.
- Oh, good, a party.
- No, her funeral.
She's dying again.
She's been dying for 20 years.
She still hasn't delivered the goods.
She's trying to trick me into visiting her, the manipulative cow.
I grew up with her.
Imagine living with somebody like that.
Take that back! - I didn't say anything.
- You were thinking it.
Honestly, Ben, I don't control.
I suggest, I guide, I coax.
- Ben, wake up! - What? Is your mother on the phone? I'm not gonna visit her.
I refuse to play the pawn in her twisted little game.
I'll get one of the kids to go.
(Chinks) - Are we out of cereal? - Yeah.
- It's on the shopping list.
- Are you going to eat that? - Are we out of bread? - It's on the list as well.
How about I eat the list? - Have a boiled egg.
- I don't want one! I'll have a boiled egg.
I'm a growing boy.
Yeah.
Why don't we build you a trough? - Put a trough on the list.
- Don't be melodramatic.
I'm not, I'm starving.
- I hate this family! - That's being melodramatic.
Our children's problems aren't to be taken lightly.
What is it? Someone here has used my herbal peach shampoo and I've run out! Right.
Well, we'll just put that on the list too.
Problem solved.
It's not because they'll keep using it until I kill them.
- No coffee for Janey.
- I'm going to smell everyone's hair! Stay! I'll sort this out.
Now sit.
- (Sighs heavily) - Now roll over! You stink! I'm sporting a carefully cultivated scent of beer, smoke and Twiglets.
What's it called, Eau de Colon? Good one, Dad.
Michael, your hair looks shiny and full-bodied today.
The other shampoo dries my scalp.
And using mine will kill you.
OK, Janey, I'll give you some money and you can go out and buy six bottles.
Can I get some Chanel body lotion? You know what, there's a sale on at Selfridges.
- What's the catch? - Just get me some facial scrub.
- OK.
- And visit your grandmother.
What? No way! lt'll only take a few minutes and it's on your way.
You can kill two birds with one stone.
It'll take more than a stone to kill her.
- Ben! - But you hardly ever see her.
I don't need to.
She's embossed on my brain.
Why does it have to be me? I went to see her last time she was dying.
I'll go next time.
- What if she really is dying? - Then I win.
Not funny.
Your grandmother's not going to be around forever.
So that deal with the devil fell through? When did you last go see my mother? So Michael, ready for school? I'll drop you off.
- Not dressed like that.
- What do you mean? I'm standing in my school elections and I can't be embarrassed.
How about you put on a tie? How about I just drive past the school and throw you out? We had no idea you were standing for office.
How exciting.
- Early polls say I'm leading.
- Really? Good boy.
Hey, that's my boy.
Latest in a long line of Harpers to champion the underdog.
Which is why I'm standing as a Conservative.
- You can't be standing as a Tory.
- Why not? What have you got against persecuted minorities? - This is a Labour household.
- Right, follow the crowd.
(Bleats) Go on, go to your room! You're sending me to my room cos I'm a Tory? Yes.
See you later, Mum, I'm late for school.
- Pinko! - (Gasps) Once again, as I lie here dying, your mother deems it unnecessary to visit and sends along one of her minions.
It's lovely to see you too, Grandma.
Not that I'm ever disappointed to see you, Janey.
Are you sure vodka martinis are good for you in your condition? A martini is a good thing in any condition.
- Can I have one? - Your mother wouldn't approve.
But then, she's not here, is she? But, I want you to do something for me.
Now promise? OK.
When you see your mum, tell her I was coughing up blood.
That might warrant a visit! I'll see what I can do.
Maybe I'll throw in a broken hip as well.
Good girl! Now, tell me, how is young Michael? - Oh, fine.
- And how is the idiot? - Oh, Nick's fine too.
- No, I mean your father.
Oh, this is Wedgwood.
Must have cost a bit.
Oh, Janey, whenever you visit, I feel like I'm on the Antiques Roadshow.
- What does this 'M' mean? - The last time Michael was here he marked all the items he wanted after I died.
He's marked everything? Yes, it took him all day.
He got writer's cramp, the poor dear.
That's really selfish.
- Would you like to borrow a pen? - Yes, please.
Thanks.
Oh, wait, wait! That is for your mother.
Oh, it's nice.
What's it worth? It was your Great Grandma Mary's favourite piece.
She passed it onto me, I am passing it onto my daughter, and someday, hopefully - if she's not too busy - your mother will pass it onto you.
Oh.
And did Great Grandma get it from her mum? No, she got it from a French diplomat who said she was his true love.
Was she? Your great grandmother was the love of quite a few lives.
Oh, so she was a bit of a heartbreaker? Yes, but that was to be expected in her line of work.
Was she some kind of actress? - She was a performer of sorts.
- A singer? She ran the classiest brothel in the West End! Are we talking about a house of ill-repute? No, it was very popular! - Great Grandma was a tart? - Good heavens, no! She was a prostitute! Mm, something smells good! - Am I in the right house? - Careful.
I'm armed with a whisk and I'm not afraid to use it.
- You're home early.
- Yeah.
I had a few cancellations so I think I could possibly fit you in, Mrs Harper.
- I'm making dinner.
- We'll order takeaway.
- The kids will be home soon.
- We'll change the locks.
Then I've run out of reasons.
Take me! I'm afraid to ask what's for dinner.
Change the locks tomorrow.
There'd not be such sordid behaviour in a Conservative home.
Really? - Still a Tory then, are you? - Yes.
Sorry, Michael, you can no longer be my favourite son.
You Oh, God, it's come to this, has it? You're just in time, boys.
I need a taster for my sweet and sour sauce.
- (Coughs) - Well? You've got the sour part down.
How did your speech go today? It's only a matter of time before I claim victory.
Step one of reclaiming Britain from incompetent Labour rule.
- Ha! - Ben.
Sorry, Susan, but everyone knows the future of Britain depends on the working man, which as the name implies means Labour.
- Ha! - Michael.
Sorry, Mum, Dad's living in some fantasy land built on propaganda.
Ha! - Nick.
- Nothing.
Just felt like saying, "Ha!" - I just had the most fascinating time.
- I thought you went to Grandma's.
I did.
She's not as boring as you think.
- You and your grandma been drinking? - Just enough to take the edge off.
Oh, I'm supposed to tell you something.
Oh, yeah, Grandma's got the plague and lost her arms.
She thinks I'll come running now just because she feels old and alone.
All she needs is a violin.
How will she play it with no arms? Well, I had a good time talking with her.
We talked about loads of things - school, the weather, Great Grandma.
Yes, well your great grandmother was quite a socialite.
No, she wasn't.
She was a hooker.
Pass the ketchup.
She was she was What? Sorry, who told you this? - Grandma.
- Mother probably meant cooker.
Your great grandmother was a superb chef - like me.
- It's not true, is it? Your great grandmother happened to be a social hostess.
- Something wrong with your food? - Yes, but that's beside the point.
When you say, "social hostess", what you mean to say is I believe you understand me correctly.
Look, I've made my food into a face.
I can't wait to tell Maxine.
You can't.
This could ruin my political career.
Don't be silly! It was 80 years ago.
We don't want it spread around.
It's the only cool thing about this family.
Are you forgetting the Harper side? Oh, right, yeah, the dull side.
No, don't confuse dull with average.
Average, boring, whatever.
If being average is the worst people say about you, you're doing OK.
Spoken like a true Harper.
At least with us, what you see is what you get.
Ooh, tough luck, Mum.
- What's wrong? - Huh? Nothing.
It's fine.
What could possibly be wrong? Oh, yeah, I have recently discovered that I've got a Tory and a prostitute in the same family.
Why didn't you tell me about her? I did.
I said she ran a bed and breakfast.
Yes, you forgot to mention every room came with a complimentary shower cap and a riding crop.
Oh, for God's sakes, I skipped a few details.
(Laughs incredulously) What else don't I know about you? I'm really a man.
Susan, on our wedding day, we took vows to love, cherish - and not to keep secrets.
- I don't have any other secrets.
How do I know that? Next, you'll tell me your mother's a vampire, which would explain a lot of things.
OK, all right.
I do have another secret.
Sometimes I fake it.
That's not funny.
I don't know why you're getting so worked up about this.
You always go on about the dignity of the working people.
I'm proud of her.
She was a successful woman who stood up for what she believed in.
Yeah, she stood up, she lay down, she knelt.
Well, say what you want but my side of the family were more lively than yours.
The handkerchief salesman.
(Low giggle) The tie salesman.
There's more to haberdashery than you think.
- Like what? - Like See, there's nothing to tell because they did nothing.
The motto on your family crest should be "Mediocrity or death.
" It's better than "For a good time, call" Now we'll see who has the exciting family.
- All right, Dad? Want a beer? - Yeah.
We've run out.
You'd better get some more.
What are you doing? Photos of the Harper side of the family.
Who's the cute little girl in the sailor suit? That's me.
You were hot.
Get off.
Yeah, behind me, that's the shop.
(Chuckles fondly) The shop.
For four generations, we had the fifth biggest haberdasher in Derby.
Wow.
Why are these photos all the same? They're not the same.
Look In this one, your Uncle Harold is wearing a tie in the traditional Windsor knot.
And in this one, look, he's wearing the Cavendish.
Oh, and look, this is the joker of the family, Uncle Charlie.
He looks just like Uncle Harold.
No, he's not, he's wearing the reverse Plattsburgh.
Can't you see? - Did you guys do socks? - Yeah, yeah.
We did Ascots and Burlingtons You're taking the piss, aren't you? I mean, come on, Dad.
Look at them! I mean, I thought YOU were dull.
Excuse me, the Harper family are not dull.
Did you know that your great grandfather almost had a knot named after him.
Oh, yeah.
The Harper knot.
Where the rabbit goes round the tree, through the hole and round the tree, the Harper knot, the rabbit goes round the tree, through the hole, up the tree again, meets another rabbit coming the other way.
Oh, it was all the rage until Alderman Jenkins choked to death on his wedding day and, erm yep, everyone knew it was the devilled eggs but oh, no, the local wags blamed it on the knot.
Unforgiving business, haberdashery.
Sorry, Dad.
Did you say something after the Harpers are not dull? And then my grandfather decided to expand the family business and move on from ties and handkerchiefs into gentlemen's knick-knacks.
Oh, yeah, hairbrushes were a very big item at the time.
Mr Winslow? - (Gentle snoring) - Mr Winslow? Wow, that gas works really fast! I haven't given him any yet.
Evidently, I've bored him to death.
Check his pulse.
(Grunts) - What happened? - Since you nodded off, we heard the highlights of four generations of Mr Harper's family.
- I must've been out a while then.
- Hm about a minute.
Maybe Susan was right.
Maybe it's in my blood, I can't help it.
I am just another member of the faceless, nameless Harper clan.
Pish tush! You have devoted your life to giving patients strong, healthy teeth.
When you've gone, you'll leave behind a legacy of wonderful smiles.
It's pathetic, isn't it? - Are you a religious man? - In what sense? Do you believe in God? A higher power.
I have faith that someone, somewhere is punishing me and it may as well be God.
I believe we're all special in God's eyes.
He smiles down upon us all.
(Chuckles) In my case, he seems to be laughing, doesn't he? Well? Who is it? Who spoke? My eyesight isn't what it was.
- Stop it! You know it's me.
- An intruder! My purse is on the table.
Take what you want but don't hurt me.
Good enough for me.
- Susan! - So your eyesight is getting better? I just wanted to say since you are here, - why don't you sit down? - No, thank you.
- Please just sit down.
- Nope! In other words, you won't sit down simply because I've told you to.
If I sit down, that means you win.
Oh, Susan, you're not still playing that game.
You're not a teenager any more.
I win! - It's a joke.
- Oh, right.
Ha ha.
So, why did you tell Janey about Grandma? I thought you believed in being honest with your children.
- Progressive parenting.
- Give it a rest.
You never ask my advice.
I don't have to.
You give it anyway.
- Martini? - Thank you.
You drink too much.
It was nice to see Janey but I think she was looking a little gaunt.
I wouldn't worry, it's probably just the heroin.
Very much like Michael.
Come to think of it, I've not seen him in weeks.
But you know us progressive parents, we just like to see how things pan out.
Why can't you just answer a civilised question? I will when you ask me one.
How is the idiot? If you're referring to my eldest son Nick, he's doing very well and we're very proud of him.
There isn't enough drink in the world, dear.
Much as I'm enjoying this mother-daughter quality time, you still haven't said why you talked about Grandma without asking me.
- Did I? - Oh, cut it out.
You did it because you knew I'd get so annoyed - that I'd come straight over.
- And did it work? Oh, right, you win.
So why is it so important to see me? It isn't.
You can go now.
I just wanted to see if I still had the touch.
How long's this jelly been in the fridge? I think it's soup, Nick.
Oh, don't you look precious! Get off, I'm practising for my debate.
So, Mr Harper, what's your position on drugs? (Clears throat) If elected, I'll devote every resource possible to educate students of the dangers of drug use.
- Very good answer, Michael.
- (As Janey) Yes.
If you want to get slaughtered.
Dude, it's all about spin.
Ask me that question.
I think we know your position on drugs.
Come on, go with me on this.
OK, what's your position on drugs? Let me say I will not comment on the vicious rumours about my opponent's use of recreational drugs.
- There are no vicious rumours.
- There are now.
The whole point of debating is to answer directly and honestly, not to tarnish your opponent's reputation.
- I thought you wanted to win.
- Fair and square.
I thought you were a Tory.
- (Nick) Hey, Dad.
- So, Dad, how was your day? Dull, forgettable, like the rest of the Harper family! Don't sell the Harpers short, Dad.
This country needs decent, hard-working citizens like you.
Yeah.
From one of my debate notes on the little man.
On behalf of all the little men everywhere, thank you.
You are a significant cog in the well-oiled machine of England.
Shut up.
I think the little man gets your point.
No, he's right.
I am a cog.
Yeah, a spare part, really.
I mean, if a bus hits me today, what's my obituary going to say? "Ben Harper.
Didn't look both ways.
" No, I've got to do something, say something, make a statement, something that says, "The Harpers were here", something my grandchildren's grandchildren will talk about.
When that got hazelnut stuck up your nose! No, something else.
I could pull a few strings and get you a bench in the park.
- Why would he want a bench? - It was a very big hazelnut.
People who donate a bench get their name on a plaque and a small slice of immortality.
Yeah, that's not bad.
How come, all of a sudden, you're so connected? I'm in politics.
One well-placed call and I could have you killed.
It's always the same with her, nothing's changed, she's still playing the master puppeteer.
- I don't want to talk about it! - Good.
Just having a simple cup of tea with her is like negotiating a minefield.
Glad we're not talking about it.
- One false step and kaboom! - Do you mind, please? I'm trying to find a park for the Harper family bench.
- Ben, you don't need a bench.
- Why not? You have your prostitute, I'll have my bench.
Why not just build a monument to yourself? Hm.
No, it's too expensive.
What should I put on the plaque? How about, "Me, me, me"? No, it's not about me, it's about the family.
It says, "We were here and we refused to be walked over.
" Yes, and now you'll be crapped on by pigeons.
Oh we're almost out of cereal.
But I bought that box today.
What can I say? People in this house are pigs.
Save some for your father.
- Hey.
- How was your debate? Miserable.
The first question they asked me was, "Is it true you have a prostitute in the family?" It's such a shame politics has degenerated into a contest of personal attacks.
Isn't it just? I hope you did the right thing and questioned your opponent's sexuality.
I took the moral high ground and said this prostitute rumour was promulgated by Communist lefties out to ruin my campaign.
I challenged whoever started it to show themselves.
- Well done.
- Then Janey stood up.
- What did you say? - What could I say? I gave an honest, heartfelt answer.
Oh, Michael, I'm very proud of you.
I said I was adopted.
(Crash) - All right, Gran! - Oh, God.
Mum said you're lonely so I'm all yours for the evening.
Please no.
Wow.
Oh yeah, and she had a message for you.
What was it? Erm, can't remember.
Oh, yeah, that was it.
She wins.
- Don't know what that means.
- (Clang) Wow, is this Wedgwood? Oops! (Mumbles) Sorry.
Hello.
Hello! Sorry.
(Forced chuckle) Very good.
Yes, I'm glad you're enjoying my bench.
It's my bench.
Sod off.
No, despite your eloquence, sir, it's my bench.
My bench.
"Ben Harper.
" See? That's me.
Yes, donated by me to the good hard-working people of London in recognition of four generations of diligent haberdashers who would've otherwise been forgotten.
Gawd, not another loony! Ah - Take us in it.
- Cheese! Let's have a nice, big flash! Sorry, what are you doing here? - Depends how much you've got.
- What? Oh, no, I'm taking a picture of my bench.
See? "Ben Harper.
" This Sorry.
That's me.
So you put the bench here.
Sally, it's our mystery benefactor.
We don't get much chance to sit in our job.
Look, move out, there's going to be trouble.
This is our spot.
It's a good location by the ice cream stand.
Chubby men tip better.
Look, how much is it going to cost me to get you to move on for a while? - For an hour or for the night? - Just her or both of us? - Oh, fine! - Forget it.
Let's not haggle.
Here's 50 quid for both of you for as long as it takes.
Aren't we the frisky one, Grandad? Where's Michael? Working on his resignation speech.
- Is Dad OK? - He hasn't said anything all morning.
- He just keeps staring.
- Your father's fine.
It's not just anybody who gets their picture in the paper.
At least it's something for the Harper family scrapbook.
- He blinked! - Ben, it's not that bad! (Breathily) Really? I'm being carted off by a baby policeman surrounded by a bunch of strumpets.
Ah, what could be worse? Oh, please, it's grainy and it's not a good likeness at all.
- (Phone) - No one can tell it's you.
Oh, hi, Mum.
Yes, it's him.