NewsRadio (1995) s02e10 Episode Script

Ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas! Look, it's Santa! Lisa, it's Santa! Happy holidays, young lady.
Oh, thank you, Santa.
Beth, a whole dollar.
Wow.
Well, actually, I just wanted to get 4 quarters to do my laundry.
Thanks so much.
Oh, ho! Merry Christmas, good sirs! Merry Christmas.
And a merry Christmas to you, Mr.
Kringle.
Might I call you "Kris"? Ho, ho, ho, ho! I don't see why not.
Say, can I let you in on a little Christmas secret? A Christmas secret.
How very jolly.
You coming, Bill? Just a second.
Come closer.
I am going to kill you.
Pardon? You heard me, Bill McNeal.
I'm gonna murder you with my bare hands, you useless sack of human garbage.
Oh, ho, ho! Merry Christmas, my dear! I hope you're not gonna bring me a lump of coal this year, Santa.
Not if you've been good.
Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho! You're a dead man.
Come on, Bill.
Bill, come on.
That man just threatened to kill me.
What man? That Santa Claus man.
Oh, yeah.
We've had our eye on that Santa Claus for a long time now.
I'm serious.
That man threatened me with physical violence.
He knows my name, and I want him out of this building now.
Yo, Santa! You been harassing the captain here? Ho, ho, ho! Happy holidays! This is a joke, right? Who put you up to this? It was those goofballs in ad sales, wasn't it? No.
I wanna rip off your arms and legs and shove them down your throat! How's that for a joke, bastard? Ho, ho, ho! Bill, come on, I can't hold the elevator forever, you know.
Why don't you just send Santa a letter like the other kids do.
I'll help you pick these up, Bill.
Bi-- Bill! Hey, Dave, merry Christmas.
Careful, Matthew.
Whoa! That was a close one.
Okay, here, just take my hand.
No, I'm fine.
[.]
Okay.
It is now my pleasure to present to you our present to Mr.
James.
[GASPS.]
Oh, wow! A framed shirt.
It's not just a shirt.
It is an authentic 1927 New York Yankees baseball jersey, autographed by Joe Dugan, Jimmy's favorite player.
Jumpin' Joe Dugan? Are you serious? Way to go, Lisa, Way to go! Wait a second.
I chipped in $75 to buy the man a dirty shirt in a frame? What is this, some kind of pyramid scheme? No-- Hey, somebody starting a pyramid scheme? I'd like to get in on that.
Mr.
James? Yeah? On behalf of all the staff here Merry Christmas.
Well, thank you! Thank you, all, for this-- this wonderful shirt in a frame.
[WHISTLES.]
Look a little closer, sir.
Huh? Yeah.
Look just-- No, wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
This isn't an autographed Jumpin' Joe Dugan jersey, is it? LISA: Yep.
We thought you'd like it.
Well, I do! I'm really touched.
Thank you.
Thank you, all.
You're welcome.
You're welcome, sir.
You know what, it kind of makes me wish I'd gotten you guys something.
Oh, that's all right.
I'm kidding! It's in the hallway.
Go on and get it.
Wait, Lisa, how much do I owe you for Mr.
James' present? Well, just consider it my Christmas present to you.
Oh, thank you! Wait.
Does that mean I don't get a real present? Here you go, Lisa.
Beth, there's yours.
All right.
Now, everybody got one? ALL: Yes.
Is everybody excited? ALL: Yes! All right.
On your mark get set open those suckers! Huh? Huh? Baseball caps? With with our names on them.
Yeah! Well, come on, don't stand there gawking at them.
Put them on.
Put them on.
Put them on.
Oh Thank you, sir.
Well, you're welcome Dave, Matthew, Catherine, Beth, Joe, Lisa, and Bill.
Now, get back to work, you naughty little monkeys, you.
Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas, sir.
Thank you! Thank you.
What a colossal rip off! Come on.
These are terrific gifts.
Yeah, for a little league team.
With attention deficit disorder.
I really hate to have to say this, but it is the thought that counts.
Yeah, and these are the results of a really cheap, crappy thought.
Well, I, for one, intend to wear mine with pride, so there.
Well, you've bested us once again Dan.
Gotcha! Ha, ha! And this concludes the only enjoyment any of us will ever get out of these stupid hats.
I have a problem.
Can we talk in your office? Sure.
Thanks.
And for Pete's sake, take that off.
It makes you look like a 12-year-old.
I'm sorry.
I thought it was the hat.
You promise not to laugh? Yes, I promise.
What about her? No, Bill, she won't laugh either.
The Santa Claus in the lobby wants to kill me.
[BETH LAUGHING.]
The Santa Claus wants to do what, Bill? Beth, what have I told you about eavesdropping? Ha, ha, ha! Fine.
Forget it but let's see how you feel when I end up with the business end of a candy cane stuck through my neck! Okay, how many stalkers has he had this year? Four? Five? No, six, actually.
Because remember when he thought that one stalker was actually identical twins, stalking him in shifts? JOE: I don't believe this! All right, all right, the hats suck.
Fine.
No.
Look, it's even worse.
He just ironed this patch over the names of one of his other companies.
Hey, mine, too.
Look at that, "Bayshore Sheet Metal.
" He didn't even buy these for us.
No, look, mine says "Beth" underneath.
See? "Passaic Mini-Storage"? Oh, wait, "Bethel Lighting and Electric.
" Look, regardless of where the hats came from, it is still the thought that counts.
You know what? That means a lot, coming from you Rockaway Lumber.
Okay, this sucks.
But you know-- No.
This just sucks.
Hey, gang, great, great present! Thanks again.
And thank you again.
Yeah.
It was a bitch getting this out of the frame, but nothing fits better than a dead man's shirt.
Sir, can I talk to you in my office for a moment? Hey, did you see these authentic sweat stains? Hey, what up, G? You down with O.
P.
P.
? Well, you know me.
Um, sir, I-- Well, first, let me thank you once again for-- for the hat.
You're-- you're quite welcome, Dave.
Yeah.
Um, now, sir, the staff, um, while grateful, while very grateful, are just a little disappointed in what they-- Get to the point, Dave.
Everyone hates the hats.
What do you mean? It's just that everyone put a lot of thought into their present for you.
And it doesn't seem like you put much thought into their presents.
What are you talking about? I put all their names on them, see? See, "Dave.
" That's your name.
Yes, but, sir, they're leftover hats.
Matthew's says "Matthew" on it, right.
Yes.
And Joe's says "Joe" on it.
Yes, sir, I think everyone comprehends the internal logic of the item itself.
It's just that the gesture seems a little impersonal.
Well, I don't know, I thought these were so cool, I got one for myself, see? Oh, well, that's very nice, Mr.
James but what does it say underneath the patch? Huh? I don't know.
Let me see.
Uh, "Jimmy James, Incorporated.
" See, that's not so bad.
Now, but what if you didn't own the company? Well, then, that would suck.
Uh-huh.
Okay, all right.
I see what you mean.
You know what, I'm gonna make this right.
I'm gonna make it right, right now.
Well, thanks, sir.
Again, I feel really awkward about even having to-- mention it.
Okay, you coconuts, come on.
Step lively.
Hey, Lorenzo, Junior, what's up? Jimmy James, my man.
Above average hat, sir.
Nice hat, sir.
Hey, hey! Careful now.
I think the Santa Claus over there might be packing a piece, you know.
Hello, future corpse.
Prepare to die! Merry Christmas! Okay, so gang, what it is, I decided to take some time and get you each a personal gift.
But we already have those wonderful hats.
Yeah.
Matthew, I remembered that you once mentioned you liked old-time radio comedies.
Oh, you bet I do-- from the golden age of broadcasting when they didn't have to do all that dirty stuff.
Yeah.
Well, I got you the best old-time radio comedy of them all: "Fibber McGee and Molly.
" Oh, wow! I can't-- Oh, look at that.
Thanks.
I can't wait to listen to these.
Well, you're welcome, Matthew.
And, uh, the rest of you I got you each a Miata.
ALL: What? Yeah! Beth, that red one's yours.
It matches your hair.
Cathy, the blue one's because that's your favorite color.
Which one's mine? Then I sort of got impatient-- Which one's mine, mine, mine? Go pick one out! Go ahead! Aah! You really got us cars! Yes, I did.
So, Dave, how-- uh, how'd I do? Well, those are very thoughtful gifts, sir, and very generous.
It was very very, very-- All right, there's no need for tears here.
It's just a six-pack of sports cars.
God bless us, everyone! Drive safe.
I got to go.
Merry Christmas, sir.
Merry Christmas! Wahoo! [HONKS HORN.]
Bill, please, enough with the horn, okay.
Wahoo-hoo! Hey.
Hey, Dave, what'd you get? Um a sports car.
Oh.
I got tapes.
And we all got cars! Wahoo! [HONKS HORN.]
Okay, well, I gonna head upstairs and I'll be in the office, listening to my old radio tapes if anybody wants to come up and join me.
Screw that! Anyone want to take a ride in my car? I'll be upstairs.
Listening to my tapes.
Poor guy.
Why do you think Jimmy didn't give him a car? I don't know.
He must be crushed.
I felt crushed just looking at him.
Me too.
Maybe Mr.
James-- Do you think these cars have CD players? Matthew! I'm telling you, Joe, as soon as I get off work, I'm taking my baby out on the expressway with the top down.
Oh, yeah! I have a car! I have a car! I don't even own a TV, but I have a car! Hey, anyone besides me a little concerned that Matthew didn't get a car? Yeah, well, maybe a little bit.
Yeah.
JOE: Look at him, just sitting there listening to those dopey tapes.
Don't do it, McGee.
Brave little soldier, retreating from the pain of reality to his own private world of hollow laughter.
Come on.
Yeah, Catherine, we all feel badly for him, but there's no need to make it sound like The Deer Hunter.
Oh, no.
Oh, no Oh, yeah! Dave, ask Mr.
James to buy him a car, too.
No.
Why not? Look, I'm no etiquette expert, but I think when someone is generous enough to give you six sports cars, it's in bad form to ask for a seventh.
MATTHEW: Oh, don't open that closet, McGee.
BILL: What's going on? We're trying to figure out what to do about Matthew.
Oh, well, I was hoping it would never come to this, but I think you should fire him.
No we're not talking about firing him.
He's very upset about not getting a car.
Oh, no Why don't you just ask Jimmy to give him a car.
In fact, while you're at it, I sort of wanted a blue one.
[GIGGLES.]
So Jimmy could give my old car to the freak.
[MATTHEW LAUGHING.]
Matthew, are you okay, there? What? I'm sorry.
Are you all right? Are you okay? Yeah.
It's just these tapes are There's this one part where Fibber comes up to a closet, and he goes to open the closet, he's about to open the closet And all the stuff in the closet comes crashing down.
Oh, is that what that sound is? Oh, that's even funnier! Matthew Matthew? Matthew? What? Are you sure you're all right? I'm sorry, am I laughing too loud? No.
No.
Matthew, just because Mr.
James didn't give you a car, doesn't mean he doesn't care about you.
Oh, I get it.
You guys are jealous.
Oh, Matthew.
You are because you know that I'm gonna have these tapes for the rest of my life, and at the end of the month, or whatever, you're gonna have to return your cars back to the rental agency.
You're it.
Matthew, the cars, uh, aren't rentals.
What's that? The cars aren't rentals.
What, did Mr.
James go and buy you all cars? Yes, he did.
Huh.
Huh! Huh! Huuh! Matthew, take it easy, sweetie.
No, no, let me get this straight.
You all got cars? Yeah.
Everybody got a car.
Yes.
And I got some scratchy tapes of some stupid, old, dead people telling a lot of jokes about junk falling out of a closet? But it is the thought that counts.
Oh yeah, that's easy for you to say when you're driving around the office in your brand-new car! Okay, Matthew, in the spirit of Christmas, I would like to give you my car.
Don't want it.
Please please, take the car.
Please, Matthew, take Dave's car.
Take Dave's car.
Take Dave's car.
Good day, sir! LISA: Oh, Matthew, come on.
Ha, ha, ha! [LAUGHS MANIACALLY.]
Ha, ha! All right, okay, I'm here.
Now, what's so urgent? Well, I hardly know how to put this, because Well, you've been so generous-- Oh, what the hell they want now? Hard tops? White walls? Rumble seats? What? No, no, no, sir, don't get me wrong.
The cars are incredible.
Everyone loves the cars.
What's the problem? Matthew.
Oh, all right.
I'll go talk to him.
Matthew? Matthew? Matthew.
How you enjoying those tapes? Okay, I guess.
If you like that sort of thing.
Would you rather have a car? A car? Why would I want a car? Everybody else got a car except me, which, I guess, makes me special.
I'm much happier with my stack of tapes of an old-time radio show that I don't even really like because the one I do like is Jack Benny, which you would know if you or anybody else in this office ever paid any attention to who I really am.
Matthew, I gave you Fibber McGee and Molly.
I know.
Thirty-two wonderful hours of crap falling out of a closet.
Matthew, I don't think you understand.
See, I gave you Fibber McGee and Molly.
I own the rights to the show.
Now I'm giving them to you.
Now you own the rights to the show and all the characters in it.
Really? Yeah.
Anyone wants to make a TV show or movie about them, they got to go through you.
What about t-shirts? Well, yeah, T-shirts, coffee cups, uh, greeting cards, foreign rights, pay-per-view, they all got to go through you.
What about commercials? What were you thinking about? Fibber McGee and Pepsi.
All right! Good.
Thank you, Mr.
James.
Now, anybody else got a problem with their Christmas gift? [METAL CLINKING.]
Why are you doing this to me? Do I have your complete attention, Bill McNeal? Yes.
Good.
My name's Sam Belford.
I'm a communications major trying to break into broadcasting.
I know this is kind of a silly stunt, but uh, you won't soon be forgetting the name Sam Belford, am I right? And now I'd like to present you with a copy of my demo tape.
You did all this to get me to listen to your demo tape? Yes.
You're gonna go places in this business, son.
All that for a demo tape! So, you'll listen to it? Sure, I will, kid.
You've got real-- Chutzpah? I'm sorry? Chutzpah.
I'm not familiar with that term.
You know what I mean.
Thank you, Mr.
McNeal.
I really appreciate it.
What can I say? You remind me of a young me.
Thank you.
I almost forgot Merry Christmas.
You know, a guy feels like giving up, and then he meets someone like you.
I guess that's what Christmas is all about.
Amen to that.
Thanks.
Merry Christmas, mister Bleford.
["JINGLE BELLS" PLAYING.]
Hello, Mr.
McNeal.
Sam Belford here.
Remember me? Prepare to die! Ha, ha.
Good.
Got your attention again, huh? Because this time, I'm not joking.
Check your brakes.
Merry Christmas, dead man! [TIRES SCREECHING, HORN HONKING.]
[.]