Night Court (1984) s02e10 Episode Script

Boy, it is really coming down out there.
Shut the window, sir.
- Look, Mac.
- Oh, yes, sir, real nice.
I'll put it in the fridge so you'll have something to play with next summer.
- It's beautiful, isn't it? - Oh, sure.
Heart attacks.
Traffic deaths are up.
Nothing like dying in a winter wonderland, is there? Boy, I think it's enchanting.
You know, snowdrifts up to here, Jack Frost nipping at your nose.
That lush, he hangs out in the lobby.
Yeah, he tried that with me too.
- Well, I'm done with the heater.
- Are you crazy? It is still freezing in here.
I didn't say I fixed it.
I just said I'm done.
That baby wrestled me to the mat and won.
- What are you gonna do next? - Give the plumbing a shot.
We got icicles hanging out of the faucets, and most of the toilet water's frozen over.
- You mean we can't? - Oh, you can give it a try.
I mean, I like to think that's why the good Lord gave us body heat.
- Bail reports.
Thanks, Selma.
Here.
- We got a few minutes? - Sure.
I'll be in the ladies' room.
Court finds the defendant guilty, and a $25 fine.
Oh, no.
I believe it was frozen, sir.
It is a little chilly in here, isn't it? The Arctic is chilly, sir.
We're talking glaciers in the commodes, remember? Oh, no.
No, it's so brisk and refreshing.
While Nanook certainly is entitled to her opinion we of the warm-blooded variety feel as though an adjournment is in order.
You mean shut down? Nah.
You've got about six layers of clothes hidden underneath that robe, don't you? It's good to be the king.
- Next case, Mac.
- Call Warren Wilson and Frank Hayes.
Okay, right over here.
No messing on the floor.
That's the law.
Let me guess.
Somebody got bit.
Somebody got violated.
Mac, don't let me guess anymore.
It's ridiculous.
No one was violated.
It's simple assault.
Mr.
Wilson here accosted Mr.
Hayes, and, according to eyewitnesses beat him about the head and neck with a rubber dog bone.
- Motive? - Your Honor last week Mr.
Hayes' dog apparently had his way with Simone and an argument ensued.
- Simone is the poodle, right? - A prizewinning poodle, Your Honor.
I'm paid expensive fees to mate her with other prizewinners.
He admits it.
He's a dog pimp.
There's gotta be laws against sick stuff like that.
- Mr.
Hayes.
- I've seen his setup, Your Honor.
He's got dozens of them.
He must be running the largest kennel of prostitution in the city.
- Grow up, mutt face.
- Listen, you twerp.
All right, that's enough.
Your Honor, we have affidavits proving that Mr.
Hayes' animal was unleashed at the time of the coupling.
Since Mr.
Wilson's property was damaged I suggest that the charge be reduced to aggravated assault.
Was your dog unleashed at the time? He was leashed, Your Honor, but he chewed through it to get at her.
Which ain't his fault, because she led him on.
That's a dog, Mr.
Hayes.
I know that, but she keeps coming by tempting him with those fancy ribbons in her hair, that exotic perfume and that coquettish little trot of hers.
- That is a disproven cliché, Your Honor.
- That's a dog, Miss Young.
That's right.
Garth couldn't help himself.
Garth? Hey, fine name for a dog, yes, sir.
Lot of character.
The people are not willing to reduce the charges because there was no damage done.
I have a statement here from a qualified veterinarian verifying that the defendant's dog was not impregnated vis-â-vis the Garth tryst.
Too close to call, huh? Men are men are men.
I'm rooting for the poodle.
This document does not support your claim of damage and injury.
- I was damaged financially, Your Honor.
- How so? Simone won't consort with other poodles anymore.
- You mean, she's? - Got a thing for that tramp, right.
Yeah, congratulations.
I'm sorry, but that is not a defense in an assault case.
Court finds the defendant guilty as charged, In accordance with law, the dogs will be checked by the animal-regulation center before they're returned to their owners.
Uh Hey, Art.
Can I borrow your hammer till the end of the session? - Hey, no prob.
- Case dismissed.
Maybe I should have asked for the rubber mallet.
I could see it coming.
- Bull, Selma, will you get the dogs? - Let's go, big fella.
Do you think it's okay if I give him a bone? Well, if you're sure you're done with it.
- Come on, sweetheart.
- She's gonna cry a lot if I'm not with her.
I'll tell her the story of my life so she won't feel so bad.
Mr.
Wilson, I'm sorry I couldn't do more for you.
Thanks.
I appreciate your efforts.
Where do I pay this fine anyway? - Clerk's office, first floor.
- Thanks.
Oh, Fielding.
I want you to know there's no hard feelings.
I know you were doing your job.
Got it.
May I say something else? Shoot.
I find you very attractive.
What? I just feel attracted to you.
I thought you should know.
You mean, you're? Aren't you? Well, what do you think? I'm sorry.
If I made a mistake, I didn't mean to offend you.
It's just that when you glanced at me, I thought we had this eye thing going.
- That's a twitch.
- Just forget it.
- I get a tremor if we have a heavy night.
- Forget it.
I made a mistake, all right? Yeah, well, you bet you did.
I never even slapped anybody with a towel in gym class.
- Next case, Your Honor.
- What a night.
What's the matter, Art? Well, I got some good news, and I got some bad news.
What's the bad news? I just spoke to the building manager.
The blizzard has almost stopped all the traffic in Manhattan.
Snowdrifts have blocked most of the structures.
The police are requesting everybody stays in their building until further notice.
We could be locked in here for a couple of days.
What's the good news? There isn't any.
I lied.
We forgive you, Art.
Strategy time.
Ten-minute recess.
- You want a good laugh? - Dan, we have a little situation here.
Yeah, well, I had a little situation over there.
That Wilson guy he's gay.
- And? - And he thought I was.
Are you? Give me your vise-grips, Art.
Dan, we have a serious problem.
We are snowed in.
Oh, great.
Nothing like being closed up with scores of criminals and their good friends, the dregs of the earth.
No, Dan, this could be great, you know, trapped in here all cozy-like, nothing to do.
It's like a ski lodge.
Jean-Claude Killy, I presume.
The most important thing is we get organized before we tell them, so they don't panic.
Mac, go to the commissary, and check on the food situation.
I believe it's Mexican fiesta night, sir.
I mean see what they have left.
- There must be over a hundred people.
- Right.
Dan, go to the civil-defense shelter in the basement and check on blankets.
I hope they're not rough.
My skin can't take anything rough.
Going my way? I'm ROTC combat trained.
Special Forces, Advanced Infantry, Airborne.
I think we can fit a dozen or so comfortably in the office and then four or five in the file room.
- And - What's that? - The power lines are frozen.
They're starting to snap one by one.
We're gonna be without lights? No, the emergency generator will take care of everything.
Except the elevators.
Call me Warren.
Mac? - Food's gone.
- All of it? Yep, right down to the rancid little leaves of lettuce they stick under the Jell-O.
This is it.
- For the floor? - For the building.
- You wanna hear the alternatives? - No, I'm not ready for that.
Oh, I'll start the bidding at $50.
Have you told them about our situation yet? Not yet, but I suppose I should now, huh? Cover me.
Ladies and gentlemen.
Ladies and gentlemen, if may I have your attention, please! I'm Judge Harold T.
Stone.
I'm afraid I have some bad news.
Now, please, hear me out! Hey, let him finish! I'm afraid that we may all be here all night.
The police have asked this of every building in Manhattan.
The blizzard has effectively shut down the city.
New York is closed? Afraid so.
The building manager has asked, for safety and management reasons that everyone remain on the floor they're on now.
What about food? That's a logistic we're gonna take care of right away.
I'm hungry.
I bet.
Your cooperation in this matter is greatly appreciated.
I hope they're not armed.
You know, I seen this movie once where the survivors of an airplane crash had to resort to cannibalism just to stay alive.
They held a lottery to see who'd be first.
You crazy.
We only been trapped in here five minutes.
Oh, yeah, you're right.
That was my own fault for skipping breakfast.
- More news.
- Good or bad? I'm not sure.
Fielding's stuck in an elevator.
I'm not sure either.
Oh, that guy Wilson's stuck in there with him too.
You are kidding.
- The guy with the poodle? - Yeah.
Turns out that Wilson is gay, right? So anyway he thinks that Dan is gay.
And he must've said something to Dan because Dan went crazy and wondered how the guy could think that.
These are the days of our lives.
Hello.
Hello.
What's your first name? Dan.
But my friends call me Killer.
We could be here quite a while, Dan.
What the hell is that supposed to mean? It means, why don't we be civil to each other? It might make for a more pleasant situation.
You will get no pleasant situations from me.
Are you really that stupid? That's for me to know and for you to find out.
And I thought I disappointed my father.
Dan.
Harry.
Are you all right? Yeah, I guess.
He hasn't made a move yet.
- Mr.
Wilson? I'm fine.
I don't think cheap cologne will kill me.
Hey, listen, creep.
Come on, sit tight, guys.
We're doing everything we can.
Art, isn't there something we can do? - I got a hunch.
- Great.
Well, back to the old drawing board.
Excuse me.
Take your number.
- What for? - It's a lottery.
Three.
What is that supposed to mean? Oh, I wouldn't worry about it till, say Wednesday.
Now, settle down, here.
Now, wait.
Settle down.
Come on, settle down.
- What's going on? - We almost had a riot.
Somebody started a rumor that there was a box of Milk Duds in the building.
I don't blame them.
I'm getting kind of hungry myself.
Hey.
Hey.
Hey.
Why don't we all sing some camp songs? Battle fatigue.
I saw it in Nam.
What's the matter with you? It would be great for morale.
Sing-alongs warm the spirit, which, in turn, warm the body.
- Billie, this isn't the place.
- This is the perfect place.
- Billie.
- Come on, Harry.
It'll be fun.
- Okay.
If it'll make you happy.
- Thank you.
We're going to a hootenanny.
Hope Simone's all right.
She hates the cold.
I left her a little sweater at home.
People are always complaining about stereotypes and there you are, a practitioner of poodle husbandry.
I made $ 140,000 last year.
How'd you do? - A hundred and forty thousand? - Yeah.
And, by the way, I can't stand dogs.
What about Simone? And her little sweater? That's business, Fielding.
The little bitch is an investment.
I'd dress her up in mink if I thought it'd increase my profits.
You're my kind of guy, Wilson.
I don't believe I just said that.
That's ironic, isn't it? You and me being stuck here.
I've had nightmares about situations like this.
That's normal.
What's normal? To consider an alternative lifestyle.
I wasn't considering anything.
It was a terrible dream.
Well, if nothing else, there's a high-curiosity factor.
Stop it, Warren.
- You know, studies show that - I said, stop it, Warren.
Thank God I have no lunch to bring up.
- Cave-in.
- What? Bull dug a tunnel in the snow out through the second-floor window.
He said he was gonna get some food.
Well, he only got out about 6 feet when kaboom, the whole thing caved in.
- Mac, call the fire department.
- Right.
- Oh, Harry.
Now, stay calm.
I'm sure he's gonna be just fine.
Oh, he'll be okay, or I'll kill him.
Here, take my coat.
- I'll be all right.
- Oh, yeah, sure.
Look, let's just take turns wearing it.
Well, if it'll keep you quiet.
- It's nice material.
- Thanks.
It's kind of old.
It was a gift.
Your mother? A former companion.
Oh.
Don't worry, it won't bite.
You said "former.
" What'd he do, ditch you? In a way.
He died.
- I'm sorry.
- That's okay.
Forget it.
What happened to him? Same thing happens to a lot of guys: Worked too hard smoked too much, didn't exercise.
Were you together long? Ten years.
Hey, do you mind if we change the subject? Sure.
Sure.
How about that Bolshoi Ballet? That's sissy stuff.
Listen, about the way I acted before It's chronic.
I understand.
What I meant was I got a little sarcastic when you said that I was - Attractive.
- That's the word.
I guess I felt Threatened.
In a way, yes.
It happens to all of us at one time or other.
With me, it's spiders.
Me too.
- Ever see those red ones? - With stripes on their back.
- Yeah.
- The worst.
I know.
There's a new product: The Arachnid Hotel.
Cardboard.
Little doors open, they're lured in, whammo! Pesticide City.
I will try that.
- Warren.
- Yeah? - You're all right.
- I know.
- Give me the coat back.
- No way.
Hello! - Oh, Bull! - Thank God you're all right.
Sure, I'm all right.
What's everybody look so worried about? You're lucky you came back alive.
I won't punish you this time.
- So, what'd you get? - Take a look.
Hey, Twinkies.
- Yummy.
- It's all they had, sir.
They'll be just fine, Bull.
- Everybody okay in here? - Yeah, we're fine.
Are we rescued? Will be in a minute.
We got a snowplow working.
We wouldn't have been able to bring that in, but some maniac burrowed a tunnel right up to the door with his bare hands.
- I think I got the elevator working.
- All right.
Go.
- How'd you fix it? - It wasn't the power supply.
It was just a broken generator cable.
I fixed it with my belt.
Go ahead.
Trust me.
Don't just stand there.
Somebody get a camera.
This way, please.
Take your time.
Everybody can leave now.
- Here you go.
Have a ball.
- Oh, no thanks, man.
I'm stuffed.