Nightcap (2016) s02e10 Episode Script

1 [energetic brass music.]
I can't believe the show is ending.
How do they expect you to afford a subscription to a monthly jobs website if you don't have a job? Try Craigslist.
It's free.
Are there good jobs on there? No, but that wasn't the basis for your inquiry.
Well, at least there are sites for your line of work.
I have to troll celebs on Instagram and be like, "Hey, I'm available.
" I think I might just go home and spend some time with my family.
- Where's home? - It depends on the time of year.
Right now, it's the Bahamas, but Daddy loves the Caribbean so much that he bought four islands there last summer.
Wait, Phil.
Who is your dad? You know who Ronald Perelman is? The billionaire chairman of Revlon? That's your dad? No.
My dad is his boss.
Hi, hi, hi, hi, hi! Great show, great show.
J.
J.
Abrams is here.
Ha ha! Beep, boop, beep, boop.
Star Wars.
The Force Awaits You, J.
J.
Abrams.
What's the matter? We're looking for jobs, Staci.
You have jobs.
Not for long.
- Penny! - We know everything.
The show's ending, and you stole Penny's diaries to write your tell-all.
Oh, and she hates you.
Excuse me.
Do not blame me.
Blame Christie Brinkley.
Ever since she started dating Jimmy, she's always pushing him to do "smarter" projects.
Anyway, we have a great show.
We have J.
J.
Abrams.
We have Patty the Potato Chip Lady.
Aw, is she bringing her potato chip that looks like Kim Kardashian? She's bringing Kylie and Kendall and a little crinkly one that looks like Caitlyn Jenner.
Penny, you're producing the game tonight.
Can you please the traitor standing at the front of the room that I heard her? Penny, you're not speaking to me? Can you please tell the traitor standing at the front of the room that I am not speaking to her? Penny, games are supposed to be fun, and you're really ruining all the fun with this horrible attitude, God damn it! Todd, you're producing the game tonight! [whimpers.]
[Male announcer:.]
From Studio 9B in the heart of New York City, it's "Nightcap with Jimmy.
" Tonight, from a galaxy far, far away, J.
J.
Abrams.
Queen of the lookalike spuds, Patty the Potato Chip Lady.
America's favorite new game, Mass Transit Karaoke.
And now number five in the ratings but number one in our hearts, here's Jimmy.
[knocking at door.]
J.
J.
Abrams.
- Hey.
- Hey! Oh, my gosh, it's so great to see you.
Staci.
Oh.
Hey, good to see you, Staci.
- God, it's been years.
- I know.
Well, there's a lot of changes around here.
- You should know.
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.
- Like what? Somebody else is also a writer-producer-director.
Oh, my God, Jimmy? No, he's illiterate.
And also, this is probably the last episode of his show.
- He's leaving.
- Oh, you're kidding.
- No.
- Oh my god, I don't know.
But it has launched quite a writer in me.
I'm about to embark on something I never thought I was capable of.
I am now playing in the same creative sandbox as you.
- Oh.
- Yes.
I actually have a book deal.
Wow, that's amazing.
Congratulations.
That's that's great.
Can we just talk about the segment for a second? - Sure.
- So I was thinking there's this story about my kids.
We were in Ireland, and we were driving This feels like something for Howard Stern.
What I want to talk to you about Are you okay? Your eyes are getting a little I feel like I'm getting a little bit of a migraine.
- Are you? - Is there any water? Yeah, just a second.
I'm talking about a collaboration here.
You and I should collaborate? Yes, I've got an idea that I think is pretty fresh.
Water would be so good.
Oh, I'm so glad you said water! My God, the chemistry is unbelievable.
This is this is chemistry? Yeah.
Oh, my God! We're, like, finishing each other's sentences.
Or you're just talking at me.
- Oh! - Water would be amazing.
Okay, well, see, water is the basis of my idea for my blockbuster movie.
- Okay.
- Okay, close your eyes.
Like literally close my eyes? Yeah, literally close your eyes.
- Picture a small New England town - Mm-hmm.
Surrounded by water.
There is a naked woman swimming, and something is lurking beneath, something in the form of a great white shark.
- "Jaws.
" - That's a great name.
I was gonna call it "Teethy," but No, but "Jaws" is the The most famous movie ever.
- Steven Spielberg directed it.
- I never saw it.
- You never saw "Jaws"? - Nope.
That's amazing.
- Spielberg directed it? - It's all good.
Yeah.
Great minds, right? Yeah.
Is there any water? I'm, like, parched.
I get it.
I get it.
Every Hollywood meeting needs bottled water.
Okay, I'm going to get that for you, and you stay right there.
- All right.
- Okay, Jage? - "Jage," okay.
- Okay.
Oh, well, we're gonna work on my nickname, but I love "Bubbles.
" All right, Bubbles.
Holy [bleep.]
.
[energetic band music.]
[both:.]
Oh, Phillip.
Look what we've prepared.
- Ants on a log? That's my favorite.
- [Both:.]
Mm-hmm.
Now that our "Nightcap" tenure is concluded We were wondering if your parents might be in need of two personal chefs.
Well, can you make anything else? My parents are real foodies.
- Can we? - We have plenty of delectables we haven't wasted on these heathens.
And we would love to serve them to your beautiful family.
And we fully accept all the risks posed by the Caribbean sun.
- We don't tan.
- We melanoma.
I'll ask Daddy.
But in the meantime, let's get these ants in my mouth.
[laughs.]
And the log they rode in on.
All right, Jage, I got you water.
Oh, thank you so much.
I was dusting off some of my old scrips, and I think I might have a hit.
I mean, I know you're not kind of a visual thinker, so how about if you read the stage directions? I'll do all the parts.
- So this is happening now? - Yeah.
Don't you need to do the pre-interview? Oh, no, you're good.
You're a pro.
[clears throat.]
"Exterior: Rikers Island prison yard, dusk.
"Inmates walk around the yard playing basketball "and shivving each other.
Blood everywhere.
" Keep going.
It'll make sense in a minute.
[clears throat.]
"John Smith", "the hermaphrodite warden, "approaches famous inmate Lucy 'Claws' McGee, aka The Lobster Girl Killer.
" This is [bleep.]
weird.
Okay, well, this is actually based on my true-life story.
What? You're The Lobster Girl Killer? Okay, well, I'm not a killer, but, um, can this just be between you and me? Sure.
I was born with fused fingers You know, like oven mitts? So I spent the first ten years of my life being called "Lobster Girl.
" - Oh, my God.
- Yeah.
- Really? - Yeah.
That's actually an amazing story.
You should do a movie about that.
I'm not gonna do a movie about it.
My God, it's taken me years and shock therapy just to to get over it.
Do you know how many dates I had to turn down 'cause they wanted to meet me at Red Lobster? No, but this is, like, what Hollywood needs - Like, personal - J.
J.
it's a pass! All right.
Don't put me through this again.
Just to be clear, I'm not putting you through anything.
And, look, if you want to do it your way, which is totally fine, you're gonna need a big star, so I can get you a big star.
Wait, what? I am a talent booker.
I can get you a star.
But it's got to be before I leave, okay? 'Cause that's how fast these things work.
It's on, partner.
Oh, it's so on, Jage.
Thanks, Bubbles.
[energetic brass music.]
Hey, hey, we got to deal with tomorrow.
So Charlie Rose says he'll take his shirt off for the sketch, but Lauer's not gonna do it.
He had some kind of waxing mishap.
Hello? Oh, so you're just never gonna speak to me again? If you want to know what I have to say, why don't you just read my private, intimate diaries? Shame on you, Staci Cole.
Penny How could you just go through them and not tell me what you were gonna do with them? - Okay, about the - You're terrible.
All you care about is the millions of dollars that you're gonna make off of the book.
You really think it's gonna do that well? While the rest of us have nothing.
Uh-uh-uh, not entirely.
Guess who I'm gonna dedicate the book to.
Penny.
How could you just go through my personal things? I feel so violated.
Penny, I'm not gonna tell anybody that you have a crush on Tim Allen.
I'm over him, by the way, but it's not just about that.
It's that when you found out what was going on, you didn't even try to save the show.
You just jumped on this book deal.
We both know that if you write this tell-all book, that's it.
Your career as a talent booker is over.
You know what time it is? It's time for baby bird to fly away.
[chirping.]
You have gotten a lot of experience from working here.
You can go out and get any job you want.
These are all of my rejected job applications.
Did you try Craigslist? Hey, Christie.
I brought these for you.
So whatcha reading? Oh, I'm just reading some film scripts for Jimmy.
Can I ask you a question? Why are you so adamant about Jimmy leaving this show? - You're joking, right? - No.
The show's a sinking ship.
I mean, it was cool when it started, but Jimmy's outgrown it.
What about everybody that works on the show? He's gonna take care of everybody.
- Really? - Yeah.
He's getting everybody floating basketball sets for their pools.
For their pools? The people that work on the show live in tiny apartments in Queens.
Well, so they send it to their house in LA or the Hamptons.
What about everybody's jobs? Oh, I talked to Jimmy about that.
And? He doesn't give a [bleep.]
.
Penny! - Hear no evil, Todd.
- [grunts.]
Penny, I'm sorry for taking your diaries.
And for betraying your trust.
And it'll never happen again.
Jesus Christ, Penny! Do you want to save the show or not? Wait, what? Listen, I was thinking, okay? The only reason Jimmy is leaving is 'cause of Christie.
We get rid of Christie, Jimmy stays.
But what about your book? Oh, [bleep.]
my book.
[gasps.]
Yeah! Oh, my God! Your boobs are so much bigger than I thought! Yeah! Yeah! [laughs.]
- Jesus! - Oh, what is that smell? It's you.
Oh, yeah.
Oops.
I just learned a lot reading these diaries.
- Like what? - Well, number one, you spend way too much time in the Cry Closet.
And number two, Jimmy's the biggest asshole in the whole world.
Yeah, but we knew all of that already.
Yes, honey, but Christie Brinkley does not know.
I'm gonna have her read these diaries, realize what a jerk he is.
She's going to leave him, and I'll have saved "Nightcap.
" [laughs.]
"And right after the show, "Staci served the birthday cake.
Todd told her Jimmy peed on it.
" Oh, my God.
I know, Christie.
I didn't want to be the one to reveal it, but Jimmy is so So funny.
Oh, what did you do about the pee cake? Well, I I slapped it out of Barbara Bush's hands.
Such a mind for political satire.
It wasn't political satire.
"June 6, 2014.
"Stephen Hawking was tonight's guest.
"After the show, Jimmy lured Mr.
Hawking "to the roof of the studio and locked him up there in the freezing rain for two hours.
" Hawking was diagnosed with pneumonia after that, and his wheelchair was rusted solid.
Hawking deserved it.
He cheated on his wife in that movie.
Oh, Officer Phil.
How lovely to see you again.
May we entice your taste buds with some delicious blinis topped with a dollop of crème fraiche and caviar? Beluga.
That's my father's favorite.
Mmm! This is as good as Uncle Boris used to get.
Uncle Boris has a wonderful palate.
Yeah, most Russian oligarchs do.
Have you spoken to your father? Yes.
Did you ask him about hiring us for the boat? [chuckles.]
Oh! Yes.
What'd he say? Father said he would hire you.
But only one of you.
I am just terrible at making decisions, so will you two choose? If you father will only have one of us, then he will have neither of us.
We came into this world together, and we'll be damned if we don't go out the same way.
Okay.
I just never thought the show was gonna end this way, you know, Penny? Me neither.
Nor me.
Davis, how much longer do you think we have? Well, Miss Thing is reading all kinds of "smart scripts" for Jimmy, so it could be any day now.
Well, legally, there are some things that still need to be undone Affiliate agreements, his contract, and some other marketing commitments.
You're so calm about this.
Penny, it's the nature of the business we're in.
Always changing.
I forget you're used to bouncing from one job to the next.
So you're just gonna go to another [bleep.]
show, right? Yeah, there's a new Katherine Heigl project in the works.
Let me tell you something, Penny.
Take note.
This is a perfect example of network executive bull[bleep.]
.
This is why the industry is going down the toilet.
Davis will go from show to show, doing his whole Infinity song and dance, and everyone's going to listen to him, just like we did.
Staci, you're the best talent booker I've ever seen.
My Infinity stuff doesn't matter if you can't actually book the guest.
It's true, Staci.
You're the best.
I just wish you could book your way out of this one.
That's not a bad idea.
What do you do when a guest cancels? - Drink.
- Cry.
You book another guest.
I am not booking another threesome for Jimmy.
No, we need to book someone to come between them.
- Who? - Think about it.
What does she want from him? We're not sure, but she's definitely getting syphilis.
To be a part of a Hollywood power couple.
So what if we find a better partner for that purpose? We need to find a better Jimmy for her.
I feel like I'm on "Mr.
Robot.
" Since she wants to be one half of a power couple, we just need to find a compatible celeb whose Infinity score, when combined with hers [gasps.]
Oh, my God.
You're right.
It becomes an instantaneous power couple, like Brangelina - or TomKat or Bennifer.
- Exactly.
But all of those couples are broken up.
It doesn't matter.
The point is, we just need someone to come in and get this wench out of here so Jimmy can just go back to banging whores and memorizing hacky monologue jokes.
Ah! Bingo.
That's her new Jimmy? The Infinity system is never wrong.
Staci, you think you could book this? - [stirring music.]
- Davis, I'm Staci Cole.
I'm the best talent booker in the business.
Save us, Staci.
Oh, Rachael Ray, we are so excited to have you.
Thank you for coming on such short notice.
It's no big deal.
- We really appreciate it.
- So much.
Okay, thank you.
I mean, I don't have a whole lot of new stuff going on to promote.
I just really love the opportunity to give Jimmy [bleep.]
.
Well, Jimmy's a total dick, so But I actually didn't book you to be on the show tonight.
I kind of booked you to fall in love with someone.
What? Presenting Christie Brinkley! Hi.
Nice to see you again.
- How are you? - Great.
- You look fabulous, as always.
- You too.
Ladies, please be seated.
Okay.
What what am I doing here? You are here to fall in love with Christie.
- Wait, what? - What? I mean, no, not really fall in love, but, you know, fall in fake love.
You know, just for the cameras.
I don't understand.
Miss Ray, Davis Maxfield.
Let me clarify.
- Uh-huh.
- You and Christie both have respectable Infinity ratings.
But they could always be better.
Now, when your numbers are run through the algorithm as a couple, your respective numbers shoot up into the 200s; that's like Barack Obama territory or Bindi Irwin.
Yeah.
What's an Affinity rating? No, it's an Infinity rating.
Oh, you know about it? Yeah, I kind of have to.
It aggregates box office receipts, TV ratings, and social media engagement into an algorithm that tells you how popular you are.
If your Infinity ratings go up, then you boost your ratings.
- Yes.
- I'm already with a celebrity.
Yes, you are with a celebrity, but he's a loser.
He's on a flailing network.
He's never gonna be anything more than he is right now.
Everybody hates him.
But everybody loves Rachael.
Imagine if you were in a fake relationship with Rachael! It would be a PR bonanza! Christie and Rachael, Chrachael.
You'd be in this great, phenomenal, global fake relationship.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
I love my husband.
Well, husbands do come and go.
It would be fun to be one of those people, you know, that everybody's kind of buzzing about.
- You got that right.
- No, I I I mean, it would be kind of fun, maybe, to do some traveling.
- We could travel.
- Yes.
I like traveling.
- Yes.
- And it wouldn't hurt to be an international superstar couple.
What's it gonna be, Christie? [gasps.]
Tell Jimmy it's over.
I'm in love with the idea of being in love with Rachael Ray.
Whoo! Oh, my God, we're gonna do this! [Staci and Penny cheering.]
Oh, my God.
Well, we saved the show and created a new lesbian power couple to boot.
- [all talking.]
- Hear, hear.
To the dysfunctional home we call "Nightcap.
" [all:.]
To the dysfunctional home we call "Nightcap.
" Have a great show, everybody.
Oh, Staci, can I talk to you just for a second? I just wanted to say I am so sorry for ever doubting your intentions.
Oh, Penny, they were bad intentions.
I'm really sorry.
And let me tell you something.
If I ever write some great tell-all book about "Nightcap," I'm gonna write it with you.
Oh, thank you.
80-20 split.
Okay.
I'm so happy to have my life back.
You mean your life of standing in the shadow of an egomaniacal monster who has complete control over your financial well-being and has never shown you an ounce of respect? [chuckles.]
Yeah.
The only bummer about the book deal is, I have to pay back the whole advance.
You spent all that money already? Um, excuse me.
Riverboat cruises are incredibly expensive.
- Staci? - Yes.
Isn't the show in, like, 20 minutes? What's my interview? Oh, my God, J.
J.
, I am so sorry about before.
I am never gonna pitch to you again.
I was just in a really weird space in my life.
All right.
Anyway, I'm totally gonna make it up to you.
Here I am: professional, Staci, talent booker.
Tell me about your story in Ireland.
You were on a meadow.
Staci, there's a guy here who says he has a meeting with J.
J.
Abrams and his new producing partner.
[dramatic music.]
Oh, hey, Mark.
Oh, God, I'm sorry.
I forgot to cancel the meeting about our movie pitch.
Mark, it's Hollywood.
These things happen.
Let it go.
Trust me.
Mark, I'm sorry about the mix-up.
More like an outright lie.
Well, copy that, but I do have something that maybe I can make it up to you.
Picture this.
A riverboat on a European river, cruising down.
You, Mark, are the rugged, sun-kissed captain.
Can I still be a hermaphrodite? Yes, you can! - Let's go to the car.
- Oh, my gosh.
J.
J.
, I'm gonna send you a first draft.
Okay.
Produced by J.
J.
, starring Mark Hamill.
Oh, Staci, you are good.
You're good.
[whispers.]
And pretty.