One Day at a Time (2017) s02e10 Episode Script
Storage Wars
1 Papito, taste the pollo con ajo.
My abuelita taught me how to make this when I was a little girl.
The key is to add just a little bit of cigar ash.
My abuelita used to put Vicodin in her coffee.
And her lemonade and her sandwiches.
Maybe she had a problem.
Okay, I'm finished.
No more leak.
Wow.
Nice work.
As my father said to me on my ninth birthday, "You don't need me anymore.
" By the power vested in me - by the Guild of the Custodial Arts - Not a thing.
It is a thing.
I'm the president.
I dub thee handyman.
Eh, check this out.
I was actually thinking "Handy ma'am.
" Oh, my [BOTH MIMIC EXPLOSIONS.]
Mami, where have you been? I've been cooking these frijoles for 20 minutes.
Ugh, I try to make a house a home.
I was driving in freaking circles, looking for a spot.
I had to park by the lake again and get chased by the geese.
That big one either hates me or is in love with me.
Either way, I don't like it.
- Why don't you just park in your garage? - What? - We don't have a garage.
- Yeah, you do.
It's part of the lease.
I figured you were using all the garages for storage.
Don't be ridiculous.
I use my garage for pickling and sea horse breeding.
Anyway, of course you have a garage.
It's downstairs.
It's [GROANS.]
Oh There seems to be a misunderstanding.
See, um [CLEARS THROAT.]
Little parched.
Let me just hydrate here.
[GULPING.]
Why did I not know I had a garage? I may have put a few things in there.
[THEME SONG PLAYING.]
[SCOFFS.]
I cannot believe that you've been hiding this from me all this time.
Oh? I thought I had mentioned it.
It rained for 17 days in a row this winter.
I walked from my car every night! Oh, I wish you had told me that.
There's a box of raincoats somewhere.
Whatever, Mami, I am too excited to argue.
Now I don't have to keep those traffic cones in my trunk to fake out my parking competition.
- Does that work? - When I wear my yellow vest, it does.
Come on, everybody, let's get this junk out of here so I can park my car! No, no! This is not junk.
I need everything here.
Really, Mami? You need a whole box of gardening gloves? We don't even have a garden.
What if papito wants to be Michael Jackson for Halloween? [IMITATES MICHAEL JACKSON.]
I'll be Spider-Man.
There are, like, four boxes of dusty old magazines.
We could at least recycle them.
Instead of your own abuelita, you think of the planet? So you just keep your filthy green hands off my Vanidades magazines.
What about all this fabric? Come on! There must be something in here we can get rid of.
There is.
I'm not letting this go, Mother.
I'm done parking ten blocks away and being chased through the park by the geese! Ay, Lupita, relax, huh? Ah, mira.
Put this on and the geese will not chase you when they see what you have done to their friends.
Okay.
I will get rid of some stuff and papito will help me.
You make sure she does it.
Ooh.
[CHUCKLES.]
I'mma keep this.
Okay, your first solo mission as a handy ma'am.
Apartment 301.
Herb and Sherb McGurb.
Sherb? Her real name is Sheryl, but she gets a kick out of Sherb.
Ha-ha.
Hello, Herb, Sherb.
Schneider.
[GIGGLES.]
This is Elena Alvarez, my handyman mentee.
Or handy-manatee.
- Hello, dear.
- Hi.
This is her first job, but don't worry.
I taught her everything I know.
- So, you good? You got your plunger? - Yes.
- Got your toilet snake? - Yes.
- Got your snack? - I'm not going to eat a snack while I plunge and snake a toilet.
The toilet is a cruel mistress.
[SIGHS.]
She is flush with complications.
She's ready.
Oh, oh, one more thing.
You're gonna see a glass in there with teeth in it.
No matter how much you're tempted, do not put them in your mouth.
So, did you get rid of some stuff? Even better than that.
No.
Papito helped me arrange everything so there's plenty of room for your car.
A little to the left.
[EXCLAIMING.]
[SPEAKS SPANISH, LAUGHS.]
Perfecto.
Can the garage door even shut? Uh, kind of.
See? Now back up so I can get out.
Hey, Schneider.
[SHUSHES.]
[SIGHING.]
What's up? So this is what Schneider looks like at his most Schneider-y.
Since when do you do bonsai? [SCOFFS.]
Bonsai's for dorks.
This is penjing.
The gentle Chinese art of tray scenery.
Now that you're working for me, I finally have some leisure time.
Oh, look, there's little people.
Wait, is that my family? Could be any Cuban family.
I just came to tell you that I'm done fixing the McGurbs' toilet.
What? You were there for 20 minutes.
It's at least an hour-and-a-half job.
For you, maybe.
You must have done something wrong.
Actually, I noticed you just replaced the flapper, which is more of a Band-Aid.
So I went ahead and installed a pressure assist flush valve and now it's fixed for good.
You must have done something wrong.
Look, it's nothing against you.
I'm just a really quick learner.
Maybe I could help you be better.
[STAMMERS.]
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
I am the mentor here, Little Miss Thang.
I may only look two or three years older than you, but I have the wisdom of that ancient bonsai! - You just said - It's all the same stuff! [SCOFFS.]
Was that me? Not every gay, teenage, Cuban girl figurine is you! Well, my car got hit! - [GASPS.]
No! - Are you okay? Yes, because I wasn't in it.
I was about to leave and I noticed that somebody clipped it because I had to park it with its big ol' butt sticking out of the garage! Oh, I was afraid of this.
The garage does not like you.
So, it's taking out its revenge.
Mami, no.
I've had it.
Now we have to spend money we don't have to fix the car.
Enough is enough.
You have to get rid of your junk.
As a matter of fact, I already did.
Alex, is that true? Uh Of course it is true.
I cleared out the exercise bicycle.
The lawn chair.
Even my old fabrics.
And you said there was no room for these things.
[CHUCKLES.]
Don't you feel foolish? [SIGHS.]
- You wanted to see me? - Yeah.
- You're fired.
- What? Why? I got a call from the McGurbs.
Herb is very perturbed.
You've worked on that all day, haven't you? Don't be absurd! Herb said that they don't want you working at their apartment anymore because they didn't like your attitude.
What? That's crazy.
I was completely polite and professional.
Yeah.
Those aren't the words Herb used.
For a pastor, he knows some salty language.
Anyway, walk me through everything you did while you were there.
Okay.
Well, they offered me some lemonade, and I said, "No, thank you " What? Always take the lemonade.
That's Handyman 101! [GROANING.]
Oh, my God! Okay.
So you watched Jeopardy with them and then what? Why would I watch TV with them? I just fixed their stuff and left.
[HYPERVENTILATING.]
Well, now we know what your problem is! You fixed their toilet, but you didn't fix their souls.
- Is that some kind of Chinese proverb? - Probably.
[SIGHS.]
Elena, growing up, I had everything.
But I was always alone.
I don't want my tenants to feel that way, so I, I do more than just fix stuff.
Apartment 306, macramé with Mrs.
Watson.
201, lose at chess to Mr.
Roth.
- 402, listen to all their Cuban nonsense - Excuse me? That's the job.
That's what takes four hours.
[SIGHS.]
That's the difference between being a handyman and a super.
Understand? Yeah, I guess.
I feel bad.
Should I go apologize to the McGurbs? Uh, during NCIS? Don't make it worse.
Okay, I feel weird.
My heart's beating out of my chest, my upper lip is sweating, and I feel like hiding and trimming a tiny tree.
Is this what failure is? Hey, hey, hey.
I know you'll do it right next time.
And there will be a next time.
So, I'm not fired? Nah, I just said that to be dramatic.
It's cool, right? Never said it before.
And I've heard it a lot.
Check it out.
Abuelito's guayabera almost fits me.
Ay, papito, you look so handsome! Just like your abuelo.
- [SOBS.]
- Abuelita, are you okay? [VOICE BREAKING.]
Just happy tears, papito.
Happy tears.
[SNIFFLES.]
Lots of very good memories.
[SPEAKING SPANISH.]
Aww.
It's my mom, holding hands with my son, who's dressed as my dad.
That's not weird.
Don't listen to her.
You could be a model.
[LAUGHING.]
And you know what? We could be in a JCPenney catalog.
Hello.
I always loved Papi in this.
He always looked so elegant.
Ah.
Nobody wore a guayabera like your Papi.
Okay, Mami, I can see how keeping some of this stuff around might be nice.
Ay, thank you, Lupita.
You know, I was thinking about what you said and perhaps I don't have to keep everything.
Ah? [EXCLAIMS.]
I'm so glad to hear you say that, Mami.
Alex, bring up the Vanidades magazines so I can look through them and decide which to keep.
Actually, Mami, why don't you start with your VHS tapes of The Love Boat? Who died and made you Captain Stubing? We start with the magazines.
What? Okay.
So I didn't think you'd be reasonable about this so I took your Vanidades to the thrift store.
[GASPS.]
Mami, you were being impossible! [SPEAKING SPANISH.]
Ay, por favor, Mami, stop being dramatic.
It's not that big of a deal.
I hid my savings bonds in the pages of one of those Vanidades to keep them safe.
What? They were going to mature soon.
And I was going to use the money to help me with Elena's college and papito's Barbizon Modeling School.
Mami, why didn't you keep them somewhere safe? Oh, you mean keep them in a secret garage, where even my own daughter didn't know for two decades? Ah, silly me.
I didn't see anything like that.
Come on.
There's no way you sold four boxes of dusty, old Spanish magazines in two hours.
I just sold a guy a used retainer.
Can you please check again? - Of course.
- Thank you.
Nope.
Oh, you want to play hardball? Okay.
Alex, how about we try on a bunch of clothes and put none of them back on the hangers and leave this place a freakin' disaster? This is a charity store for cancer patients.
I did not know that.
Look, if they're not in the store, they might be in the dumpster out back.
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
I am so sorry for what I said.
I am a nurse.
I love cancer patients.
So, out back? Okay.
Okay, hop in and find the magazines.
What? I'm not going in there.
This is how most Law & Orders start.
Well, I'm not going in there.
But you're always talking about how strong you are.
"Oh, I'm a badass!" You know why you should go in there? I am a badass.
Ah.
I am sorry you are sad about your job.
Let The Love Boat set its course for happiness.
- Pretty progressive - Mmm.
that Julie, the cruise director, was so openly gay.
[SPUTTERS.]
What? Huh? All right, Mami, we got the Vanidades! [SPEAKING SPANISH.]
- Did you get all of them? - [PENELOPE.]
Yeah.
[LAUGHS.]
Okay, I'll start dinner.
Wait, where are you going? We have to find your savings bonds! Everybody, grab a stack and start looking.
Mami, come on.
Let's find the bonds! There are no bonds.
Excuse me? The things you're looking for? They do not exist.
Ha-ha! You You lied to me? Do you think if I had secret money I would be shopping at Marshalls? The answer is yes.
I love Marshalls.
And I would shop there even more.
But what about my college? You'll get a student loan.
- What about my modeling school? - You'll get a scholarship.
Are you freaking kidding me right now? Don't mess with my stuff.
We spent the day in a dumpster! "We"? You threw away tu mami's most cherished cositas! Oh, I'm about to drop a match in mi mami's most cherished cositas! And I'm about to take a baseball bat to your precious car! Try me, vieja.
Ooh, ooh I will.
And I have six bats to choose from in the garage.
Wood, Wiffle, metal Mami.
I work my nalgas off to support this family, and I deserve a place to park my car! And besides, you never use any of this stuff anyway.
You pack it away forever! Some of them are for special occasions! Oh, like the precious china we've never even seen? I was keeping it safe for you, to pass it down to Alex and Elena, so they could pass it down to their children! Why don't we pass down an empty box that says "China"? It'll be lighter! Mami, you have a problem.
There is an entire television show devoted to people like you.
I know, and it's called Dancing with the Stars and it is fabulous! I meant Hoarders.
It is a sickness to keep worthless things.
I came to America with nothing! - All is valuable when you have nothing! - I get it [STAMMERS.]
But this broken lawn chair? A cracked teapot? Mami, what is this? This ratty, used umbrella.
Mami, what kind of value could this possibly have? I was at the park with your papi one day.
We were having a picnic to cheer him up because he had lost his job.
He was so worried about money, and I knew that the news I had to give him would not help.
So [INHALES DEEPLY.]
I took a big swig of rum and a slow drag on my cigar, and I told him I was pregnant with you.
It was the '70s! Anyways, it began to rain.
And Berto opened this and put it over us.
And he said, "I will always protect you, mis vidas.
" And that was the first moment we spent as a family, under this umbrella.
That's beautiful, Mami.
You want to know what papi and I did on this lawn chair? No.
It may sound silly, but even those old magazines mean something to me.
Because it was all I could read when I got here, because they were in Spanish.
And they made me feel like a girl again, instead of just an exile.
[SIGHS.]
So, what do we do? You want to keep these things that matter to you, I need to park my car without being bitten by a goose.
I don't know how to fix this.
I think I do.
[EXCLAIMS.]
Elena, these shelves are amazing.
Ay, sÃ.
They solve everything! [SIGHS.]
Ooh, and I didn't just build shelves in the garage, I built shelves in their souls.
That only works for toilets.
But I'm proud of you.
What you did here is really super.
Ooh, and I made us something.
I'm pretty excited about it.
[GRUNTS.]
Bam! We have handy caps! Yeah, we gotta talk about our branding.
How about I make us all some dinner to celebrate? - [GASPING.]
And we can eat it on the china.
- Ooh.
Okay.
Ooh, Lydia, I think we moved the china to the other garage.
Other garage?
My abuelita taught me how to make this when I was a little girl.
The key is to add just a little bit of cigar ash.
My abuelita used to put Vicodin in her coffee.
And her lemonade and her sandwiches.
Maybe she had a problem.
Okay, I'm finished.
No more leak.
Wow.
Nice work.
As my father said to me on my ninth birthday, "You don't need me anymore.
" By the power vested in me - by the Guild of the Custodial Arts - Not a thing.
It is a thing.
I'm the president.
I dub thee handyman.
Eh, check this out.
I was actually thinking "Handy ma'am.
" Oh, my [BOTH MIMIC EXPLOSIONS.]
Mami, where have you been? I've been cooking these frijoles for 20 minutes.
Ugh, I try to make a house a home.
I was driving in freaking circles, looking for a spot.
I had to park by the lake again and get chased by the geese.
That big one either hates me or is in love with me.
Either way, I don't like it.
- Why don't you just park in your garage? - What? - We don't have a garage.
- Yeah, you do.
It's part of the lease.
I figured you were using all the garages for storage.
Don't be ridiculous.
I use my garage for pickling and sea horse breeding.
Anyway, of course you have a garage.
It's downstairs.
It's [GROANS.]
Oh There seems to be a misunderstanding.
See, um [CLEARS THROAT.]
Little parched.
Let me just hydrate here.
[GULPING.]
Why did I not know I had a garage? I may have put a few things in there.
[THEME SONG PLAYING.]
[SCOFFS.]
I cannot believe that you've been hiding this from me all this time.
Oh? I thought I had mentioned it.
It rained for 17 days in a row this winter.
I walked from my car every night! Oh, I wish you had told me that.
There's a box of raincoats somewhere.
Whatever, Mami, I am too excited to argue.
Now I don't have to keep those traffic cones in my trunk to fake out my parking competition.
- Does that work? - When I wear my yellow vest, it does.
Come on, everybody, let's get this junk out of here so I can park my car! No, no! This is not junk.
I need everything here.
Really, Mami? You need a whole box of gardening gloves? We don't even have a garden.
What if papito wants to be Michael Jackson for Halloween? [IMITATES MICHAEL JACKSON.]
I'll be Spider-Man.
There are, like, four boxes of dusty old magazines.
We could at least recycle them.
Instead of your own abuelita, you think of the planet? So you just keep your filthy green hands off my Vanidades magazines.
What about all this fabric? Come on! There must be something in here we can get rid of.
There is.
I'm not letting this go, Mother.
I'm done parking ten blocks away and being chased through the park by the geese! Ay, Lupita, relax, huh? Ah, mira.
Put this on and the geese will not chase you when they see what you have done to their friends.
Okay.
I will get rid of some stuff and papito will help me.
You make sure she does it.
Ooh.
[CHUCKLES.]
I'mma keep this.
Okay, your first solo mission as a handy ma'am.
Apartment 301.
Herb and Sherb McGurb.
Sherb? Her real name is Sheryl, but she gets a kick out of Sherb.
Ha-ha.
Hello, Herb, Sherb.
Schneider.
[GIGGLES.]
This is Elena Alvarez, my handyman mentee.
Or handy-manatee.
- Hello, dear.
- Hi.
This is her first job, but don't worry.
I taught her everything I know.
- So, you good? You got your plunger? - Yes.
- Got your toilet snake? - Yes.
- Got your snack? - I'm not going to eat a snack while I plunge and snake a toilet.
The toilet is a cruel mistress.
[SIGHS.]
She is flush with complications.
She's ready.
Oh, oh, one more thing.
You're gonna see a glass in there with teeth in it.
No matter how much you're tempted, do not put them in your mouth.
So, did you get rid of some stuff? Even better than that.
No.
Papito helped me arrange everything so there's plenty of room for your car.
A little to the left.
[EXCLAIMING.]
[SPEAKS SPANISH, LAUGHS.]
Perfecto.
Can the garage door even shut? Uh, kind of.
See? Now back up so I can get out.
Hey, Schneider.
[SHUSHES.]
[SIGHING.]
What's up? So this is what Schneider looks like at his most Schneider-y.
Since when do you do bonsai? [SCOFFS.]
Bonsai's for dorks.
This is penjing.
The gentle Chinese art of tray scenery.
Now that you're working for me, I finally have some leisure time.
Oh, look, there's little people.
Wait, is that my family? Could be any Cuban family.
I just came to tell you that I'm done fixing the McGurbs' toilet.
What? You were there for 20 minutes.
It's at least an hour-and-a-half job.
For you, maybe.
You must have done something wrong.
Actually, I noticed you just replaced the flapper, which is more of a Band-Aid.
So I went ahead and installed a pressure assist flush valve and now it's fixed for good.
You must have done something wrong.
Look, it's nothing against you.
I'm just a really quick learner.
Maybe I could help you be better.
[STAMMERS.]
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
I am the mentor here, Little Miss Thang.
I may only look two or three years older than you, but I have the wisdom of that ancient bonsai! - You just said - It's all the same stuff! [SCOFFS.]
Was that me? Not every gay, teenage, Cuban girl figurine is you! Well, my car got hit! - [GASPS.]
No! - Are you okay? Yes, because I wasn't in it.
I was about to leave and I noticed that somebody clipped it because I had to park it with its big ol' butt sticking out of the garage! Oh, I was afraid of this.
The garage does not like you.
So, it's taking out its revenge.
Mami, no.
I've had it.
Now we have to spend money we don't have to fix the car.
Enough is enough.
You have to get rid of your junk.
As a matter of fact, I already did.
Alex, is that true? Uh Of course it is true.
I cleared out the exercise bicycle.
The lawn chair.
Even my old fabrics.
And you said there was no room for these things.
[CHUCKLES.]
Don't you feel foolish? [SIGHS.]
- You wanted to see me? - Yeah.
- You're fired.
- What? Why? I got a call from the McGurbs.
Herb is very perturbed.
You've worked on that all day, haven't you? Don't be absurd! Herb said that they don't want you working at their apartment anymore because they didn't like your attitude.
What? That's crazy.
I was completely polite and professional.
Yeah.
Those aren't the words Herb used.
For a pastor, he knows some salty language.
Anyway, walk me through everything you did while you were there.
Okay.
Well, they offered me some lemonade, and I said, "No, thank you " What? Always take the lemonade.
That's Handyman 101! [GROANING.]
Oh, my God! Okay.
So you watched Jeopardy with them and then what? Why would I watch TV with them? I just fixed their stuff and left.
[HYPERVENTILATING.]
Well, now we know what your problem is! You fixed their toilet, but you didn't fix their souls.
- Is that some kind of Chinese proverb? - Probably.
[SIGHS.]
Elena, growing up, I had everything.
But I was always alone.
I don't want my tenants to feel that way, so I, I do more than just fix stuff.
Apartment 306, macramé with Mrs.
Watson.
201, lose at chess to Mr.
Roth.
- 402, listen to all their Cuban nonsense - Excuse me? That's the job.
That's what takes four hours.
[SIGHS.]
That's the difference between being a handyman and a super.
Understand? Yeah, I guess.
I feel bad.
Should I go apologize to the McGurbs? Uh, during NCIS? Don't make it worse.
Okay, I feel weird.
My heart's beating out of my chest, my upper lip is sweating, and I feel like hiding and trimming a tiny tree.
Is this what failure is? Hey, hey, hey.
I know you'll do it right next time.
And there will be a next time.
So, I'm not fired? Nah, I just said that to be dramatic.
It's cool, right? Never said it before.
And I've heard it a lot.
Check it out.
Abuelito's guayabera almost fits me.
Ay, papito, you look so handsome! Just like your abuelo.
- [SOBS.]
- Abuelita, are you okay? [VOICE BREAKING.]
Just happy tears, papito.
Happy tears.
[SNIFFLES.]
Lots of very good memories.
[SPEAKING SPANISH.]
Aww.
It's my mom, holding hands with my son, who's dressed as my dad.
That's not weird.
Don't listen to her.
You could be a model.
[LAUGHING.]
And you know what? We could be in a JCPenney catalog.
Hello.
I always loved Papi in this.
He always looked so elegant.
Ah.
Nobody wore a guayabera like your Papi.
Okay, Mami, I can see how keeping some of this stuff around might be nice.
Ay, thank you, Lupita.
You know, I was thinking about what you said and perhaps I don't have to keep everything.
Ah? [EXCLAIMS.]
I'm so glad to hear you say that, Mami.
Alex, bring up the Vanidades magazines so I can look through them and decide which to keep.
Actually, Mami, why don't you start with your VHS tapes of The Love Boat? Who died and made you Captain Stubing? We start with the magazines.
What? Okay.
So I didn't think you'd be reasonable about this so I took your Vanidades to the thrift store.
[GASPS.]
Mami, you were being impossible! [SPEAKING SPANISH.]
Ay, por favor, Mami, stop being dramatic.
It's not that big of a deal.
I hid my savings bonds in the pages of one of those Vanidades to keep them safe.
What? They were going to mature soon.
And I was going to use the money to help me with Elena's college and papito's Barbizon Modeling School.
Mami, why didn't you keep them somewhere safe? Oh, you mean keep them in a secret garage, where even my own daughter didn't know for two decades? Ah, silly me.
I didn't see anything like that.
Come on.
There's no way you sold four boxes of dusty, old Spanish magazines in two hours.
I just sold a guy a used retainer.
Can you please check again? - Of course.
- Thank you.
Nope.
Oh, you want to play hardball? Okay.
Alex, how about we try on a bunch of clothes and put none of them back on the hangers and leave this place a freakin' disaster? This is a charity store for cancer patients.
I did not know that.
Look, if they're not in the store, they might be in the dumpster out back.
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
I am so sorry for what I said.
I am a nurse.
I love cancer patients.
So, out back? Okay.
Okay, hop in and find the magazines.
What? I'm not going in there.
This is how most Law & Orders start.
Well, I'm not going in there.
But you're always talking about how strong you are.
"Oh, I'm a badass!" You know why you should go in there? I am a badass.
Ah.
I am sorry you are sad about your job.
Let The Love Boat set its course for happiness.
- Pretty progressive - Mmm.
that Julie, the cruise director, was so openly gay.
[SPUTTERS.]
What? Huh? All right, Mami, we got the Vanidades! [SPEAKING SPANISH.]
- Did you get all of them? - [PENELOPE.]
Yeah.
[LAUGHS.]
Okay, I'll start dinner.
Wait, where are you going? We have to find your savings bonds! Everybody, grab a stack and start looking.
Mami, come on.
Let's find the bonds! There are no bonds.
Excuse me? The things you're looking for? They do not exist.
Ha-ha! You You lied to me? Do you think if I had secret money I would be shopping at Marshalls? The answer is yes.
I love Marshalls.
And I would shop there even more.
But what about my college? You'll get a student loan.
- What about my modeling school? - You'll get a scholarship.
Are you freaking kidding me right now? Don't mess with my stuff.
We spent the day in a dumpster! "We"? You threw away tu mami's most cherished cositas! Oh, I'm about to drop a match in mi mami's most cherished cositas! And I'm about to take a baseball bat to your precious car! Try me, vieja.
Ooh, ooh I will.
And I have six bats to choose from in the garage.
Wood, Wiffle, metal Mami.
I work my nalgas off to support this family, and I deserve a place to park my car! And besides, you never use any of this stuff anyway.
You pack it away forever! Some of them are for special occasions! Oh, like the precious china we've never even seen? I was keeping it safe for you, to pass it down to Alex and Elena, so they could pass it down to their children! Why don't we pass down an empty box that says "China"? It'll be lighter! Mami, you have a problem.
There is an entire television show devoted to people like you.
I know, and it's called Dancing with the Stars and it is fabulous! I meant Hoarders.
It is a sickness to keep worthless things.
I came to America with nothing! - All is valuable when you have nothing! - I get it [STAMMERS.]
But this broken lawn chair? A cracked teapot? Mami, what is this? This ratty, used umbrella.
Mami, what kind of value could this possibly have? I was at the park with your papi one day.
We were having a picnic to cheer him up because he had lost his job.
He was so worried about money, and I knew that the news I had to give him would not help.
So [INHALES DEEPLY.]
I took a big swig of rum and a slow drag on my cigar, and I told him I was pregnant with you.
It was the '70s! Anyways, it began to rain.
And Berto opened this and put it over us.
And he said, "I will always protect you, mis vidas.
" And that was the first moment we spent as a family, under this umbrella.
That's beautiful, Mami.
You want to know what papi and I did on this lawn chair? No.
It may sound silly, but even those old magazines mean something to me.
Because it was all I could read when I got here, because they were in Spanish.
And they made me feel like a girl again, instead of just an exile.
[SIGHS.]
So, what do we do? You want to keep these things that matter to you, I need to park my car without being bitten by a goose.
I don't know how to fix this.
I think I do.
[EXCLAIMS.]
Elena, these shelves are amazing.
Ay, sÃ.
They solve everything! [SIGHS.]
Ooh, and I didn't just build shelves in the garage, I built shelves in their souls.
That only works for toilets.
But I'm proud of you.
What you did here is really super.
Ooh, and I made us something.
I'm pretty excited about it.
[GRUNTS.]
Bam! We have handy caps! Yeah, we gotta talk about our branding.
How about I make us all some dinner to celebrate? - [GASPING.]
And we can eat it on the china.
- Ooh.
Okay.
Ooh, Lydia, I think we moved the china to the other garage.
Other garage?