Our Cartoon President (2017) s02e10 Episode Script
Space Force
1 [NARRATOR.]
And now a message from the President of the United States.
My fellow Americans, I would like to address reports alleging that I was friends with billionaire convicted sexual predator Jeffrey Epstein - and attended his infamous parties.
- Sure, I told New York Magazine in 2002 - that Epstein is a terrific guy.
- But that was before I found out that I said later in the same sentence that he likes beautiful women on the younger side.
I knew I had to cut off our relationship right then and several years after there.
Now, I've brought someone who can confirm that we are very innocent.
Hey, everybody.
It's me, America's cold sore.
Every few years, I pop up and remind you of your bad choices in the nineties.
I have never been to Jeffrey Epstein's home on 71st Street between Fifth and Madison near Jody's Juice.
Try the strawberry.
It's delicious.
And why would I go to Epstein's home? I don't want to be reminded of the things I've seen there.
Let's talk about the so-called "Epstein Jet" on which Jeffy-Boy and his friends, - who know him as Jeffy-Boy - Jeffy-Boy! allegedly committed vile acts.
Sure, witnesses allege we were passengers, but so was Kevin Spacey.
I don't think this Boy Scout would let anything untoward happen up there.
The only reason I was on that jet 26 I mean, 4 times was it was the best deal on Kayak.
com And I promise I didn't smoke a cigarette in the bathroom.
Which is the only law in the sky, according to our attorney Alan Dershowitz.
Dershy-Boy! He litigates like his freedom depends on it.
[PRESIDENT TRUMP.]
And it does.
You know, Bill and I may disagree on healthcare - and criminal justice - Barely.
but we are unified against these all-but-undeniable accusations.
In the end, aren't we all just Americans accused of the most ghastly crime imaginable? And on an unrelated note, I am naming a new Deputy Attorney General Jeffrey Epstein.
I'm also pardoning him and having his mouth filled with cement.
Don't you crack, Jeffy-Boy! We're sending a rope and potato chips down that well! I promise! - Bill, you're my best friend! - And you're mine! We're gonna get through this together, little brother! I can't believe we almost let Hillary tear us apart! [NARRATOR.]
This has been a message from two Presidents of the United States.
[BIDEN.]
It's Joe's turn! [PRESIDENT TRUMP.]
There's not room for us both! Fifty years ago today, Buzz Aldrin and a wise-ass talking monkey threw on some scuba gear, boarded Apollo Creed, and shot up to the largest of all our planets the Moon.
Buzz took some funny pictures, and NASA left the monkey to die.
- The end.
- [APPLAUSE.]
- Wait! Wait! Wait! Shut up! - [APPLAUSE STOPS.]
- Sir, is everything - Shhh! - It's just - Shhhhhhhh! Holy shit! I forgot about Spppppaaaace Foooorrrrccce! Space Force! Space Force! Space Force! Space Force! We gotta do Space Force! What happened to Space Force?! You sort of went on an obstruction-of-justice bender, so we kicked it down the road.
Mike, you garage-door motor-brained moron! We could be blowing up stuff in space right now, and instead [FAINTLY.]
I'm commemorating this Kirk Douglas-looking-ass space clown! Give me four hours, and I'll have an update.
Cool.
Yeah.
Take your time.
It's not like I'm your boss or anything.
[PRESIDENT TRUMP.]
I'm so excited! Are you excited? I'm excited! Don't start.
I gotta pee.
- [DANCE MUSIC PLAYS.]
- It's starting! Forget it! I'll pee at halftime.
Here is your update on Space Force, an institution I fundamentally disagree with as a science skeptic, but no one listened when I explained that 17 times, so here we go.
Whoo-hoo! Space Force! Oh, man, I got to pee so bad.
I'm gonna pee in a cup! [PENCE.]
Next slide, please.
The Defense Department's legislative proposal outlines - a five-year rollout - Ah, geez.
beginning the start of fiscal year 2020.
The budget request is - Ugh.
- $72.
4 million 0.
07% of the annual - Ueeeghhh! - D.
O.
D.
budget.
Mikey, I asked for Star Wars, and you brought me Star Wars: The Book! I've read some Star Wars books.
They're actually pretty good.
Pompeo, you're so far out of your lane that you've slammed into a Roy Rogers.
Here are the questions I want answered.
Will the rockets have thick, red lasers? Will the astronauts be 500-pound nutjobs with buzz cuts? Can we all get sweatshirts that say "Space Force"? First, we need to lay the legislative and budgetary groundwork.
I'm so mad at you right now! Everyone, make sure Pence drinks this cup! "Groundwork".
What an asshole! [ANNOUNCER.]
Thank you all for attending the 2019 Iowa Democratic Party Hall of Fame Dinner.
See you at the Iowa Caucuses! What's the first thing you're gonna do when you're president? I'm gonna give a speech so lacking in substance that time freezes and I can check out everyone's underpants.
I'm gonna take off these wool socks.
Both my feet look like the potato nobody buys because it's started to sprout its own side potato.
I'm gonna call Al Franken and say, "Can you believe you're there and I'm here?" [WARREN.]
You all think I'm gonna do some Native American celebratory dance, but I won't.
My tribe values quiet reflection over revelry.
I'm gonna kick back and teach myself Welsh.
I'm gonna bring in a pig, tell my staff it's the mascot, let them pet it then jam an iron rod through its frickin' forehead! - Holy crap! - Jesus, Amy! [BIDEN.]
What is wrong with you? Ohh, so when a man slaughters a pig in front of his staff - No! - That's your defense?! - What about you, Cory? - Oh, thank you for asking.
- I'm gonna - I'm just messin' with you.
You're not gonna be president! - [LAUGHTER.]
- It's not funny! Good news is, one of us will absolutely beat Trump, and nothing will change that.
[COOPER.]
Good news for the White House tonight.
President Trump's approval rating is holding steady, and in key states, he's running even with many in the Democratic field.
Daddy! I heard you made Mike Pence drink pee! Did he try to wash your feet again? Mike hasn't done a minute of work on Space Force.
This isn't like figuring out which candy to keep in a steakhouse men's room where you really got to hunker down on the details.
It's a space mission.
I'll talk to him.
Which Equinox does he belong to again? Forget it.
It's just every time I try to do something cool like the wall or Muslim Ban some nerd has to come along and talk my ear off about whether it's actually possible, as if I care.
Ugh! Samesies.
I tried to turn Jared into Channing Tatum by taping human muscles to him, and some scientist was like, "That won't work.
" [BIDEN.]
Thanks for meeting with us on short notice.
We know you've got a lot of shade and clapback on your schedule.
Everyone in my bubble says Trump is doomed, but his poll numbers are steady.
What did you learn from your loss that can help us beat him? I didn't lose.
I won the popular vote and the presidency.
- Uhh - Uh, I-I Uh The 2020 campaign brought back some bad memories that she's coped with by breaking off into her own reality.
One time, I tried to wake her up, and she bit me in the Adam's apple! I gotta kick you out.
The "cabinet meeting" is starting soon, and I gotta put suits and ties on the cats.
[HILLARY.]
Bill, please remind the Secretary of Education to stop licking his asshole.
This is some burden, but I figure it's God punishing me for all the things I did and continue to do.
Secretary Fuzzy Wuzzy, I want boots on the ground in Turkmenistan yesterday! [LASERS ZAPPING, HEROIC MUSIC PLAYING.]
[ANNOUNCER.]
You're watching "Space Fighters: Thick Laser Edition.
" Hey, Mister P-r-r-resident! I heard from someone who has friends that you're giving up on Space Force.
Space Force is gonna be our most awesome quagmire-generating military branch yet! And we are not just saying that because the defense aeronautics industry digs us another subterranean wine cave every time we utter the word "rocket".
Rocket, rocket, rocket! You really think Space Force is worth more of my time than tricking Pompeo into eating a caterpillar? Being the president who launched Space Force would be pretty cool [TWINKLING, '80S PUMP-UP SONG PLAYS.]
Hey, aren't you the president who started a military branch that's in friggin' space? - Guilty! - Holy shit.
The pizza's on me, sir.
Hey, want to see what the pepperonis look like before we chop 'em up? Goddamn right I do! [TWINKLING.]
Gentlemen I'll reconsider.
Hoo-hoo-hoo! That's the spirit! Can I do a mission? I can't wait to find out what zero gravity does to my jowl meat! Blblblblblblb-oglglgl! Blblblblblblb! Ted Cr-u-u-u-u-uz! Last night, I had a dream that I won the nomination then lost all 50 states to Trump.
I couldn't get one senator's wife to hug me! I had the same dream.
Except for the last part.
- Me too.
- Yeah, except for that last part.
Yeah, no, definitely not that last part.
Fuck it.
I'm not letting that nightmare come true.
I'm throwing the race.
The presidency can eat my ass.
- You're dropping out? - No, you deaf shower fungus.
I'm sittin' on millions in donor cash.
I'm gonna Brewster's Millions this shit until there's not a nickel left.
It's not a bad idea.
I'm throwing my race, too.
- Me too.
- Me too.
Is anyone gonna try to win? - No.
- I don't know how to lose.
Just keep doing what you're doing.
The question is now who's gonna be the best worst candidate? Look at space.
So peaceful.
So boring.
Leave it to Pence to make deploying a sophisticated military apparatus in zero gravity sound complicated.
For some people, it is complicated, but you don't have to worry about that.
You're the guy who walks into that boardroom, says whatever the hell you want, and leaves the minimum-wage doctor nerds to figure it out.
You've thoughtlessly blurted out amazing ideas Trump Computer, Trump Milk, Trump Four-Legged Pleasure Doll.
Those didn't work, Eric, and the milk was sharp to the touch.
But this time is gonna be different.
Oh, really? How could you think that? Because I'm not thinking, Dad, and you shouldn't, either.
My fellow Americans, we choose to launch Space Force before the week is out, not because it's easy which it is, Mike not because aeronautic defense contractors overpay their Mar-a-Lago dues 400%, but because it's cool as hell! Because that goal will allow us to make sweet sweatshirts.
Because that challenge is one that will produce, if we're lucky, a big-ass explosion in zero gravity.
In conclusion Spaaace Foooorce! [APPLAUSE.]
As we all know, Pence's Space Force book report was a snoozer, so I made a version that covers the nitty-gritty but is still enjoyable.
Lights ['80S HAIR-BAND ROCK PLAYS.]
Huah! Huah! Space! Force! Space Force, yeah! Space Force, yeah! So, just do that.
I assume there aren't any questions.
Uhp, I see a few hands.
Bathroom's down the hall.
What were we supposed to gain from that? Space Force is awesome.
Next question.
Why did the rocket explode at the end? Because it's awesome.
Next question.
Do we have the budget for this? Do you have the budget for your shitty face?! Are there any cool questions? Unlike your casinos, if this fails, you can't convert space into an unlicensed pigeon sanctuary.
We need a backup plan.
Or at least a plan.
I'm gonna show you turds how wrong you are.
The following words are now forbidden "plan", "details", and "fully functional".
Got it? I'm Rachel Maddow, and my lunch order mentions the Teapot Dome scandal.
A strange day on the Democratic presidential campaign trail.
It appears as though the candidates are tanking their campaigns so none have to face Donald Trump in the general election.
Here are the highlights.
If I could, I'd do the whole Anita Hill thing over again the exact same way! I want you all to meet my mascot, Mr.
Oinky! As an African-American woman, I You know who gets a bad rap? Stalin! I'm gonna turn meter maids into mindless killing machines! Yes! If elected president, I will get blackout at my inauguration, hop in my minivan, and sideswipe the Washington Monument! My pick for vice president is the next chipped-tooth motherfucker I run into on the street.
Sir, you're about to be very happy, because we're here to look at the first prototypes for space-based weaponry! Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God! Is someone filming this?! Very funny, Bolton.
Now show me the real spaceship with plasma railguns, command bridge, and bumper sticker that says "My other ride is your wife.
" These are the weapons.
That part there emits high-powered microwaves and radio-frequency jammers.
They're small due to the payload capacities Blah, blah-blah, blah-blah, blah-blah, blah-blah! You all are really testing my faith in humanity's ability to slaughter each other in space.
[ANNOUNCER.]
Welcome to another 2020 presidential debate featuring the candidates from the Democratic Party.
I'm Anderson Cooper, and, no, I'm not.
The candidates are coming off a rough week but can hopefully redeem themselves tonight.
Mr.
Vice President, why should you be President of the United States? Tonight ain't about why you should vote for me a man who Obama chained to a radiator for eight years but why you should vote for someone else.
I don't know, let's say, overdue Medal of Honor recipient Pete Buttigieg! No, no, no.
Don't vote for me.
I'm just trying to get a job outside the Midwest.
This place sucks.
Vote for a true patriot my dear friend Amy Klobuchar! Fuck you! Don't vote for me.
I have a power drill under my desk in case an intern sneezes! Elizabeth Warren, on the other hand, is a goddamn saint.
[WARREN, DEMONIC VOICE.]
Lizzy's not here right now! I'm the Dark Proggo, fire prince of the night, swallower of souls, and the last thing children see before they die! Actually, I would make an excellent president, - and here's why - [AUDIENCE BOOING.]
[WOMAN.]
Shut up! You're the worst! [MONITOR BEEPING.]
What are we watching here? - Doctors performing surgery? - Wrong.
We're watching doctors not thinking.
Thinking gets in the way of your body doing what it innately knows how to do.
Yeah, I'm pretty sure they're thinking while doing surgery.
Maybe a better metaphor would be, uh, figure skating? Figure skaters have to think about every muscle in their body.
Space Force is like surgery simple.
We just jam a busty, scorpion-shaped space shuttle into a cannon and light the wick.
Can it be a regular shuttle with a curvaceous scorpion - painted on the side? - Ugh! You're making the biggest mistake of your life, but fine.
Space Force in five [ALL.]
Four, three, two, one! - Whoo-hoo! - Whoo-hoo! Here it goes! Why isn't it launching?! Because you just started counting down irregardless of the launch time.
[POMPEO.]
And that's when I knew I would never be able to buy off-the-rack socks again.
[ROCKETS FIRING.]
Spppaaaace Foooorrrce! [ALL CHEERING.]
Don't explode, don't explode, don't explode, don't explode.
It didn't explode! - [ALL CHEERING.]
- Ha-ha! Mission control assures me the rocket is dressed as a nun so no one suspects it's about to kill someone.
But this isn't just a victory for the good people at Lockheed Martin, Boeing, and the now-rejuvenated skull-shaped island market.
It's a victory for thoughtlessness.
Like the Iraq War or Obamacare website, from this moment forward, we will not think things through! Mr.
President, weren't both of those massive failures? Iraq? No, that was pr No, that was pretty bad.
That website, though N No, that That was bad, also.
Uh, oh, uh, uh Can you excuse me? Shit-shit-shit-shit, shit-shit-shit-shit-shit [COOPER.]
A new poll shows the floundering Democratic presidential candidates all with 0% support.
- Hey, hey! - We did it! Congratulations, kids.
I wouldn't wish Hillary's fate upon anyone.
If you want to be Secretary of Transportation, you need to let Mommy give you a bath.
On the Republican side, concern that President Trump is leading the United States into a military quagmire in space has caused his poll numbers to slump.
Hey, guys what if Donald Trump becomes vulnerable again? I told a bunch of schoolchildren I was gonna cut off their faces with a meat slicer.
If Trump's unpopular and we're unpopular, who is America gonna vote for? Widespread opposition of the major-party candidates has reactivated the campaign of Starbucks CEO and nihilist sociopath Howard Schultz.
- Aaaaah! - Nooooo! [PRESIDENT TRUMP.]
I don't want to know.
Is it bad? It's fine, as long as the Chinese, Iranians, and North Koreans play nice.
[BEEPING.]
[CRUZ.]
Boom! Ha-ha! Felt that one in my tailbone! Looks like you're gonna need to send up some more weapons, Don! You guys look great! Where did you get all that stuff? Our friends Lockheed and Martin took us shopping! Unrelated to this.
No further questions, Your Honor.
How quickly can we blast nine more billion-dollar rockets into that powder keg in the sky? The president just launched more rockets into space an escalation that, history shows us, leads to an everlasting peace.
Just kidding.
It caused a five-nation space war.
Meanwhile, scientists warn that space debris is falling at deadly speeds, just like the President's poll numbers.
Great.
We just turned this into a three-way race.
I haven't felt this lousy since Patty Murray pantsed me on my first day in the Senate.
Throwing this race was a great idea, Amy.
- I don't like that mouth at all! - Whoa! - Hey, calm down! - De-escalate! [KNOCKING ON DOOR.]
Are you expecting someone? [CLINTONS.]
No.
[RATTLING.]
That's not someone.
That's some thing.
[FOOTSTEPS ECHOING.]
[THUNDER CRASHES.]
OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING [EXHALES SHARPLY.]
[CAT YOWLING.]
[THUNDER CRASHES.]
Daddy's home.
- Aaaah! - Noooo! Holy shit! It's him! Hillary, where do you keep your guns?! No guns, but I do have the nuclear football.
- Amy, get him! - I looked him in the eye! [SHAKILY.]
I can't move! [SCHULTZ.]
Behold the awesome power of a centrist who appeals to the 42% of Americans who identify as independent.
Those voters could be independent because they're far left or they're far right, you crazy-eyed bastard! Oh, yeah.
Huh.
Hm.
It doesn't matter.
By saturating Americans with Starbucks for decades, I've primed them to support a candidate who is just as physically nauseating and economically criminal as that terrible coffee.
Americans are readier than ever to get behind something that sucks.
They're ready for Howard Schultz.
Ha ha ha ha ha.
Ha ha ha ha ha.
Well, I'm gonna punch out for the day.
If you guys need me, I'll be just doing my thang.
Oh, and, uh, if you left your deck chairs outside, you might want to drag 'em in because it's really coming down today.
Sir, fiery metal chunks traveling at the speed of sound - are falling from space.
- Oh, really? Well, are you sure Earth isn't just going up into the chunks? I asked the same thing, but a guy with glasses explained that it's not.
I know, Pompeo.
Okay? You know why it's happening? Because you all spent so much time focusing on the Space Force details that you lost sight of the overall awesomeness! Sir, this is why you always need a backup plan.
I thought I banned the P-word! You know, launching a program that incites an international arms race in a once-peaceful frontier could've been fun! But you brainiacs ruined it! [PRESIDENT TRUMP.]
At least pizza will cheer me up.
- One slice of pepperoni, please.
- Not for you.
My boss is making me go up to the roof and clean up space junk thanks to your brainless bullshit.
Come on, man! I've had a rough day.
Just give me one? I'm gonna call the cops, my dude.
Take a hike.
Fine.
I'll go.
But only if you show me what the pepperonis look like before you chop 'em up.
I'll take that secret to my grave.
Now beat it before I kick your ass.
- [CRASH.]
- Ugh! Not again! Jackie, where's the broom?! Look, Howard, I respect what you've done with Starbucks.
No one drives their employees insane with Norah Jones music better than you.
But if you run, hell, you'll hand the presidency to Trump.
Joe, what are you talking about? I'm already the president.
What? "Instead of 'billionaire', I prefer you call me a 'person of means'.
President Howard Schultz"?! I'm too late! [GROWLING.]
[RUMBLING.]
[ALL SCREAM.]
[TODD.]
And in political news, space junk continues to kill thousands and President Trump's re-election chances.
Maybe mankind just wasn't meant to bring their mindless bloodlust to the heavens.
- [ECHOING.]
Yes, they are.
- John F.
Kennedy? You're Congressman Joe Kennedy III's great-uncle! What's that silver-tongued spitfire like? No time for chitchat.
I'm just killing time before I'm meeting the ghost of Jayne Mansfield on Mike Pence's desk.
When I announced we'd go to the Moon, I had no idea it was even possible.
I was so goofed up on pain pills that I just blurted it out, and, luckily, thousands of eggheads made it happen.
I wish Space Force was like that.
It is.
Just keep the faith.
Us privileged white sons of Nazi sympathizers need not concern ourselves with details, because no matter how great our errors, how harebrained our schemes, how depraved our predilections, those who serve beneath us will provide a nice, soft landing.
Is there a historical anecdote that illustrates your exact point? Chappaquiddick.
Look it up.
I had a dream last night Schultz ate our souls! - Me too! - Me too! We gotta stop him.
Don't ask me how.
I'm a vague-ideas guy.
We need someone smart, someone who went to Stanford, won a Rhodes scholarship, then attended Yale Law.
- Oh, God.
- Shut up.
This Schultz boob just jumped into the race with no policies.
If we want to go toe-to-hoof with him, we need someone equally thoughtless.
She's right.
Overthinking's what got us into this mess, and underthinking is gonna get us out.
Hmm.
Who do we know that never puts a single thought into anything they do? [CRASH.]
Wow! And then he just went home? I'm not perfect, but I'm not Ted Kennedy.
I've made Jayne wait long enough.
By the way, should you ever need the strongest barbiturates known to medical science, look behind the painting in the state dining room.
- [PHONE VIBRATES.]
- If that's Jackie, uh, tell her I'm fighting for civil rights or some crap.
Hello? Every one of 'em? And behind Howard Schultz's eyes, it's completely black.
He doesn't feel like you and me.
He's got acid for blood! Why would I team up with you guys to take him down? You really want to go Mano-a-Mano with someone who thought less about their campaign than you? Alright.
Follow my lead, even though I have the barest wisp of an idea where I'm going.
Space Force, yeah! Space Force! Space Force! [SCHULTZ.]
So each and every one of you is dropping out of the race and endorsing me? - Mm-hmm.
- Uh-huh.
I figured it would come to this, just not so soon.
How about some Starbucks to celebrate? How thoughtful.
Anyone else gonna partake? - Nope.
- No.
Okay.
[SLURPING.]
Ahh.
This was lovely.
I'll be back with my designers who specialize in interiors that, once you enter, you immediately want to leave.
Idiot! I put JFK's horse tranquilizers in that coffee! And as soon as you pass out, we're shooting you into space! - Whoo-hoo! - Take that, asshole! Why aren't you panicking? Starbucks coffee is so acidic that it neutralizes the effects of even the most dangerous barbiturates.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna have you arrested for conspiracy to be mean to a billionaire.
Don't you mean "person of means"? "Billionaire" is my word.
I can say it.
Okay, Trump.
What's your Plan B? Aww.
You thought I had a Plan A.
You're alright, Lizzy.
Well, I guess this is it for all of us.
If you guys want to take anything from the White House, I got a crowbar in my desk.
- Wait.
But what if we just - It's over, Beto.
Times like these, I feel more grateful than ever that I have a girlfriend.
- She doesn't exist! - Shut up! Take me to the sheriff's office.
No lollygagging.
Right away, future president.
Finally.
Someone gets it.
[PRESIDENT TRUMP.]
What the hell are we doing out here? The pawn shop closes in 45 minutes.
Sir, I knew you wouldn't have a backup plan to take down Howard Schultz, and Earth would fly off orbit into the sun if Americans lost faith in their doughy, white men.
So I came up with a plan myself.
Please direct your attention to the distance, where the hog-tied coffee magnate is loaded into a rocket headed for space in three, two, one! Blast off! - Whoo-hoo! - Spaaaace Foooorrrce! Please explode, please explode, please explode.
- Whoo! - Aww, it didn't explode! Not that I have a problem with someone being in a confined space indefinitely, but aren't we kind of leaving Schultz to die in space? Oh, he has enough water and gerbil pellets to last him well past the 2020 election.
Doesn't China, Iran, and North Korea have militarized spacecrafts up there? I read that in a French newspaper! Oh, yeah! But on the other hand, pretty big-ass explosion, right? - Yeah! - What a beautiful sight! [GRAHAM.]
Plus, you blew up a rocket.
And when a rocket explodes and you need more rockets, it's a beautiful thing.
You guys look so good.
[SCHULTZ.]
You can't kill Howard Schultz.
I was here before the world began.
Ha ha ha ha.
Ha.
We felt bad Space Force didn't work out because you're crazy dumb, so we got you this.
You know what? A cool sweatshirt is all I wanted the whole time.
We'll, uh, see you on the campaign trail? Yep! Until one of you wins, I declare the election invalid, and we settle this in the streets.
['80S-STYLE POP MUSIC PLAYS.]
Donald Trump is the president Donald Trump is the president Is Donald Trump the president? Yes, he is Yes, he is, we elected him president Is Donald Trump the president? Yes, he is We had a vote and elected him president Donald Trump is the president Donald Trump He is our president We made him president We did it Donald Trump is the president We elected Donald Trump Donald Trump is the president Donald Trump is the president Yeah Trump!
And now a message from the President of the United States.
My fellow Americans, I would like to address reports alleging that I was friends with billionaire convicted sexual predator Jeffrey Epstein - and attended his infamous parties.
- Sure, I told New York Magazine in 2002 - that Epstein is a terrific guy.
- But that was before I found out that I said later in the same sentence that he likes beautiful women on the younger side.
I knew I had to cut off our relationship right then and several years after there.
Now, I've brought someone who can confirm that we are very innocent.
Hey, everybody.
It's me, America's cold sore.
Every few years, I pop up and remind you of your bad choices in the nineties.
I have never been to Jeffrey Epstein's home on 71st Street between Fifth and Madison near Jody's Juice.
Try the strawberry.
It's delicious.
And why would I go to Epstein's home? I don't want to be reminded of the things I've seen there.
Let's talk about the so-called "Epstein Jet" on which Jeffy-Boy and his friends, - who know him as Jeffy-Boy - Jeffy-Boy! allegedly committed vile acts.
Sure, witnesses allege we were passengers, but so was Kevin Spacey.
I don't think this Boy Scout would let anything untoward happen up there.
The only reason I was on that jet 26 I mean, 4 times was it was the best deal on Kayak.
com And I promise I didn't smoke a cigarette in the bathroom.
Which is the only law in the sky, according to our attorney Alan Dershowitz.
Dershy-Boy! He litigates like his freedom depends on it.
[PRESIDENT TRUMP.]
And it does.
You know, Bill and I may disagree on healthcare - and criminal justice - Barely.
but we are unified against these all-but-undeniable accusations.
In the end, aren't we all just Americans accused of the most ghastly crime imaginable? And on an unrelated note, I am naming a new Deputy Attorney General Jeffrey Epstein.
I'm also pardoning him and having his mouth filled with cement.
Don't you crack, Jeffy-Boy! We're sending a rope and potato chips down that well! I promise! - Bill, you're my best friend! - And you're mine! We're gonna get through this together, little brother! I can't believe we almost let Hillary tear us apart! [NARRATOR.]
This has been a message from two Presidents of the United States.
[BIDEN.]
It's Joe's turn! [PRESIDENT TRUMP.]
There's not room for us both! Fifty years ago today, Buzz Aldrin and a wise-ass talking monkey threw on some scuba gear, boarded Apollo Creed, and shot up to the largest of all our planets the Moon.
Buzz took some funny pictures, and NASA left the monkey to die.
- The end.
- [APPLAUSE.]
- Wait! Wait! Wait! Shut up! - [APPLAUSE STOPS.]
- Sir, is everything - Shhh! - It's just - Shhhhhhhh! Holy shit! I forgot about Spppppaaaace Foooorrrrccce! Space Force! Space Force! Space Force! Space Force! We gotta do Space Force! What happened to Space Force?! You sort of went on an obstruction-of-justice bender, so we kicked it down the road.
Mike, you garage-door motor-brained moron! We could be blowing up stuff in space right now, and instead [FAINTLY.]
I'm commemorating this Kirk Douglas-looking-ass space clown! Give me four hours, and I'll have an update.
Cool.
Yeah.
Take your time.
It's not like I'm your boss or anything.
[PRESIDENT TRUMP.]
I'm so excited! Are you excited? I'm excited! Don't start.
I gotta pee.
- [DANCE MUSIC PLAYS.]
- It's starting! Forget it! I'll pee at halftime.
Here is your update on Space Force, an institution I fundamentally disagree with as a science skeptic, but no one listened when I explained that 17 times, so here we go.
Whoo-hoo! Space Force! Oh, man, I got to pee so bad.
I'm gonna pee in a cup! [PENCE.]
Next slide, please.
The Defense Department's legislative proposal outlines - a five-year rollout - Ah, geez.
beginning the start of fiscal year 2020.
The budget request is - Ugh.
- $72.
4 million 0.
07% of the annual - Ueeeghhh! - D.
O.
D.
budget.
Mikey, I asked for Star Wars, and you brought me Star Wars: The Book! I've read some Star Wars books.
They're actually pretty good.
Pompeo, you're so far out of your lane that you've slammed into a Roy Rogers.
Here are the questions I want answered.
Will the rockets have thick, red lasers? Will the astronauts be 500-pound nutjobs with buzz cuts? Can we all get sweatshirts that say "Space Force"? First, we need to lay the legislative and budgetary groundwork.
I'm so mad at you right now! Everyone, make sure Pence drinks this cup! "Groundwork".
What an asshole! [ANNOUNCER.]
Thank you all for attending the 2019 Iowa Democratic Party Hall of Fame Dinner.
See you at the Iowa Caucuses! What's the first thing you're gonna do when you're president? I'm gonna give a speech so lacking in substance that time freezes and I can check out everyone's underpants.
I'm gonna take off these wool socks.
Both my feet look like the potato nobody buys because it's started to sprout its own side potato.
I'm gonna call Al Franken and say, "Can you believe you're there and I'm here?" [WARREN.]
You all think I'm gonna do some Native American celebratory dance, but I won't.
My tribe values quiet reflection over revelry.
I'm gonna kick back and teach myself Welsh.
I'm gonna bring in a pig, tell my staff it's the mascot, let them pet it then jam an iron rod through its frickin' forehead! - Holy crap! - Jesus, Amy! [BIDEN.]
What is wrong with you? Ohh, so when a man slaughters a pig in front of his staff - No! - That's your defense?! - What about you, Cory? - Oh, thank you for asking.
- I'm gonna - I'm just messin' with you.
You're not gonna be president! - [LAUGHTER.]
- It's not funny! Good news is, one of us will absolutely beat Trump, and nothing will change that.
[COOPER.]
Good news for the White House tonight.
President Trump's approval rating is holding steady, and in key states, he's running even with many in the Democratic field.
Daddy! I heard you made Mike Pence drink pee! Did he try to wash your feet again? Mike hasn't done a minute of work on Space Force.
This isn't like figuring out which candy to keep in a steakhouse men's room where you really got to hunker down on the details.
It's a space mission.
I'll talk to him.
Which Equinox does he belong to again? Forget it.
It's just every time I try to do something cool like the wall or Muslim Ban some nerd has to come along and talk my ear off about whether it's actually possible, as if I care.
Ugh! Samesies.
I tried to turn Jared into Channing Tatum by taping human muscles to him, and some scientist was like, "That won't work.
" [BIDEN.]
Thanks for meeting with us on short notice.
We know you've got a lot of shade and clapback on your schedule.
Everyone in my bubble says Trump is doomed, but his poll numbers are steady.
What did you learn from your loss that can help us beat him? I didn't lose.
I won the popular vote and the presidency.
- Uhh - Uh, I-I Uh The 2020 campaign brought back some bad memories that she's coped with by breaking off into her own reality.
One time, I tried to wake her up, and she bit me in the Adam's apple! I gotta kick you out.
The "cabinet meeting" is starting soon, and I gotta put suits and ties on the cats.
[HILLARY.]
Bill, please remind the Secretary of Education to stop licking his asshole.
This is some burden, but I figure it's God punishing me for all the things I did and continue to do.
Secretary Fuzzy Wuzzy, I want boots on the ground in Turkmenistan yesterday! [LASERS ZAPPING, HEROIC MUSIC PLAYING.]
[ANNOUNCER.]
You're watching "Space Fighters: Thick Laser Edition.
" Hey, Mister P-r-r-resident! I heard from someone who has friends that you're giving up on Space Force.
Space Force is gonna be our most awesome quagmire-generating military branch yet! And we are not just saying that because the defense aeronautics industry digs us another subterranean wine cave every time we utter the word "rocket".
Rocket, rocket, rocket! You really think Space Force is worth more of my time than tricking Pompeo into eating a caterpillar? Being the president who launched Space Force would be pretty cool [TWINKLING, '80S PUMP-UP SONG PLAYS.]
Hey, aren't you the president who started a military branch that's in friggin' space? - Guilty! - Holy shit.
The pizza's on me, sir.
Hey, want to see what the pepperonis look like before we chop 'em up? Goddamn right I do! [TWINKLING.]
Gentlemen I'll reconsider.
Hoo-hoo-hoo! That's the spirit! Can I do a mission? I can't wait to find out what zero gravity does to my jowl meat! Blblblblblblb-oglglgl! Blblblblblblb! Ted Cr-u-u-u-u-uz! Last night, I had a dream that I won the nomination then lost all 50 states to Trump.
I couldn't get one senator's wife to hug me! I had the same dream.
Except for the last part.
- Me too.
- Yeah, except for that last part.
Yeah, no, definitely not that last part.
Fuck it.
I'm not letting that nightmare come true.
I'm throwing the race.
The presidency can eat my ass.
- You're dropping out? - No, you deaf shower fungus.
I'm sittin' on millions in donor cash.
I'm gonna Brewster's Millions this shit until there's not a nickel left.
It's not a bad idea.
I'm throwing my race, too.
- Me too.
- Me too.
Is anyone gonna try to win? - No.
- I don't know how to lose.
Just keep doing what you're doing.
The question is now who's gonna be the best worst candidate? Look at space.
So peaceful.
So boring.
Leave it to Pence to make deploying a sophisticated military apparatus in zero gravity sound complicated.
For some people, it is complicated, but you don't have to worry about that.
You're the guy who walks into that boardroom, says whatever the hell you want, and leaves the minimum-wage doctor nerds to figure it out.
You've thoughtlessly blurted out amazing ideas Trump Computer, Trump Milk, Trump Four-Legged Pleasure Doll.
Those didn't work, Eric, and the milk was sharp to the touch.
But this time is gonna be different.
Oh, really? How could you think that? Because I'm not thinking, Dad, and you shouldn't, either.
My fellow Americans, we choose to launch Space Force before the week is out, not because it's easy which it is, Mike not because aeronautic defense contractors overpay their Mar-a-Lago dues 400%, but because it's cool as hell! Because that goal will allow us to make sweet sweatshirts.
Because that challenge is one that will produce, if we're lucky, a big-ass explosion in zero gravity.
In conclusion Spaaace Foooorce! [APPLAUSE.]
As we all know, Pence's Space Force book report was a snoozer, so I made a version that covers the nitty-gritty but is still enjoyable.
Lights ['80S HAIR-BAND ROCK PLAYS.]
Huah! Huah! Space! Force! Space Force, yeah! Space Force, yeah! So, just do that.
I assume there aren't any questions.
Uhp, I see a few hands.
Bathroom's down the hall.
What were we supposed to gain from that? Space Force is awesome.
Next question.
Why did the rocket explode at the end? Because it's awesome.
Next question.
Do we have the budget for this? Do you have the budget for your shitty face?! Are there any cool questions? Unlike your casinos, if this fails, you can't convert space into an unlicensed pigeon sanctuary.
We need a backup plan.
Or at least a plan.
I'm gonna show you turds how wrong you are.
The following words are now forbidden "plan", "details", and "fully functional".
Got it? I'm Rachel Maddow, and my lunch order mentions the Teapot Dome scandal.
A strange day on the Democratic presidential campaign trail.
It appears as though the candidates are tanking their campaigns so none have to face Donald Trump in the general election.
Here are the highlights.
If I could, I'd do the whole Anita Hill thing over again the exact same way! I want you all to meet my mascot, Mr.
Oinky! As an African-American woman, I You know who gets a bad rap? Stalin! I'm gonna turn meter maids into mindless killing machines! Yes! If elected president, I will get blackout at my inauguration, hop in my minivan, and sideswipe the Washington Monument! My pick for vice president is the next chipped-tooth motherfucker I run into on the street.
Sir, you're about to be very happy, because we're here to look at the first prototypes for space-based weaponry! Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God! Is someone filming this?! Very funny, Bolton.
Now show me the real spaceship with plasma railguns, command bridge, and bumper sticker that says "My other ride is your wife.
" These are the weapons.
That part there emits high-powered microwaves and radio-frequency jammers.
They're small due to the payload capacities Blah, blah-blah, blah-blah, blah-blah, blah-blah! You all are really testing my faith in humanity's ability to slaughter each other in space.
[ANNOUNCER.]
Welcome to another 2020 presidential debate featuring the candidates from the Democratic Party.
I'm Anderson Cooper, and, no, I'm not.
The candidates are coming off a rough week but can hopefully redeem themselves tonight.
Mr.
Vice President, why should you be President of the United States? Tonight ain't about why you should vote for me a man who Obama chained to a radiator for eight years but why you should vote for someone else.
I don't know, let's say, overdue Medal of Honor recipient Pete Buttigieg! No, no, no.
Don't vote for me.
I'm just trying to get a job outside the Midwest.
This place sucks.
Vote for a true patriot my dear friend Amy Klobuchar! Fuck you! Don't vote for me.
I have a power drill under my desk in case an intern sneezes! Elizabeth Warren, on the other hand, is a goddamn saint.
[WARREN, DEMONIC VOICE.]
Lizzy's not here right now! I'm the Dark Proggo, fire prince of the night, swallower of souls, and the last thing children see before they die! Actually, I would make an excellent president, - and here's why - [AUDIENCE BOOING.]
[WOMAN.]
Shut up! You're the worst! [MONITOR BEEPING.]
What are we watching here? - Doctors performing surgery? - Wrong.
We're watching doctors not thinking.
Thinking gets in the way of your body doing what it innately knows how to do.
Yeah, I'm pretty sure they're thinking while doing surgery.
Maybe a better metaphor would be, uh, figure skating? Figure skaters have to think about every muscle in their body.
Space Force is like surgery simple.
We just jam a busty, scorpion-shaped space shuttle into a cannon and light the wick.
Can it be a regular shuttle with a curvaceous scorpion - painted on the side? - Ugh! You're making the biggest mistake of your life, but fine.
Space Force in five [ALL.]
Four, three, two, one! - Whoo-hoo! - Whoo-hoo! Here it goes! Why isn't it launching?! Because you just started counting down irregardless of the launch time.
[POMPEO.]
And that's when I knew I would never be able to buy off-the-rack socks again.
[ROCKETS FIRING.]
Spppaaaace Foooorrrce! [ALL CHEERING.]
Don't explode, don't explode, don't explode, don't explode.
It didn't explode! - [ALL CHEERING.]
- Ha-ha! Mission control assures me the rocket is dressed as a nun so no one suspects it's about to kill someone.
But this isn't just a victory for the good people at Lockheed Martin, Boeing, and the now-rejuvenated skull-shaped island market.
It's a victory for thoughtlessness.
Like the Iraq War or Obamacare website, from this moment forward, we will not think things through! Mr.
President, weren't both of those massive failures? Iraq? No, that was pr No, that was pretty bad.
That website, though N No, that That was bad, also.
Uh, oh, uh, uh Can you excuse me? Shit-shit-shit-shit, shit-shit-shit-shit-shit [COOPER.]
A new poll shows the floundering Democratic presidential candidates all with 0% support.
- Hey, hey! - We did it! Congratulations, kids.
I wouldn't wish Hillary's fate upon anyone.
If you want to be Secretary of Transportation, you need to let Mommy give you a bath.
On the Republican side, concern that President Trump is leading the United States into a military quagmire in space has caused his poll numbers to slump.
Hey, guys what if Donald Trump becomes vulnerable again? I told a bunch of schoolchildren I was gonna cut off their faces with a meat slicer.
If Trump's unpopular and we're unpopular, who is America gonna vote for? Widespread opposition of the major-party candidates has reactivated the campaign of Starbucks CEO and nihilist sociopath Howard Schultz.
- Aaaaah! - Nooooo! [PRESIDENT TRUMP.]
I don't want to know.
Is it bad? It's fine, as long as the Chinese, Iranians, and North Koreans play nice.
[BEEPING.]
[CRUZ.]
Boom! Ha-ha! Felt that one in my tailbone! Looks like you're gonna need to send up some more weapons, Don! You guys look great! Where did you get all that stuff? Our friends Lockheed and Martin took us shopping! Unrelated to this.
No further questions, Your Honor.
How quickly can we blast nine more billion-dollar rockets into that powder keg in the sky? The president just launched more rockets into space an escalation that, history shows us, leads to an everlasting peace.
Just kidding.
It caused a five-nation space war.
Meanwhile, scientists warn that space debris is falling at deadly speeds, just like the President's poll numbers.
Great.
We just turned this into a three-way race.
I haven't felt this lousy since Patty Murray pantsed me on my first day in the Senate.
Throwing this race was a great idea, Amy.
- I don't like that mouth at all! - Whoa! - Hey, calm down! - De-escalate! [KNOCKING ON DOOR.]
Are you expecting someone? [CLINTONS.]
No.
[RATTLING.]
That's not someone.
That's some thing.
[FOOTSTEPS ECHOING.]
[THUNDER CRASHES.]
OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING [EXHALES SHARPLY.]
[CAT YOWLING.]
[THUNDER CRASHES.]
Daddy's home.
- Aaaah! - Noooo! Holy shit! It's him! Hillary, where do you keep your guns?! No guns, but I do have the nuclear football.
- Amy, get him! - I looked him in the eye! [SHAKILY.]
I can't move! [SCHULTZ.]
Behold the awesome power of a centrist who appeals to the 42% of Americans who identify as independent.
Those voters could be independent because they're far left or they're far right, you crazy-eyed bastard! Oh, yeah.
Huh.
Hm.
It doesn't matter.
By saturating Americans with Starbucks for decades, I've primed them to support a candidate who is just as physically nauseating and economically criminal as that terrible coffee.
Americans are readier than ever to get behind something that sucks.
They're ready for Howard Schultz.
Ha ha ha ha ha.
Ha ha ha ha ha.
Well, I'm gonna punch out for the day.
If you guys need me, I'll be just doing my thang.
Oh, and, uh, if you left your deck chairs outside, you might want to drag 'em in because it's really coming down today.
Sir, fiery metal chunks traveling at the speed of sound - are falling from space.
- Oh, really? Well, are you sure Earth isn't just going up into the chunks? I asked the same thing, but a guy with glasses explained that it's not.
I know, Pompeo.
Okay? You know why it's happening? Because you all spent so much time focusing on the Space Force details that you lost sight of the overall awesomeness! Sir, this is why you always need a backup plan.
I thought I banned the P-word! You know, launching a program that incites an international arms race in a once-peaceful frontier could've been fun! But you brainiacs ruined it! [PRESIDENT TRUMP.]
At least pizza will cheer me up.
- One slice of pepperoni, please.
- Not for you.
My boss is making me go up to the roof and clean up space junk thanks to your brainless bullshit.
Come on, man! I've had a rough day.
Just give me one? I'm gonna call the cops, my dude.
Take a hike.
Fine.
I'll go.
But only if you show me what the pepperonis look like before you chop 'em up.
I'll take that secret to my grave.
Now beat it before I kick your ass.
- [CRASH.]
- Ugh! Not again! Jackie, where's the broom?! Look, Howard, I respect what you've done with Starbucks.
No one drives their employees insane with Norah Jones music better than you.
But if you run, hell, you'll hand the presidency to Trump.
Joe, what are you talking about? I'm already the president.
What? "Instead of 'billionaire', I prefer you call me a 'person of means'.
President Howard Schultz"?! I'm too late! [GROWLING.]
[RUMBLING.]
[ALL SCREAM.]
[TODD.]
And in political news, space junk continues to kill thousands and President Trump's re-election chances.
Maybe mankind just wasn't meant to bring their mindless bloodlust to the heavens.
- [ECHOING.]
Yes, they are.
- John F.
Kennedy? You're Congressman Joe Kennedy III's great-uncle! What's that silver-tongued spitfire like? No time for chitchat.
I'm just killing time before I'm meeting the ghost of Jayne Mansfield on Mike Pence's desk.
When I announced we'd go to the Moon, I had no idea it was even possible.
I was so goofed up on pain pills that I just blurted it out, and, luckily, thousands of eggheads made it happen.
I wish Space Force was like that.
It is.
Just keep the faith.
Us privileged white sons of Nazi sympathizers need not concern ourselves with details, because no matter how great our errors, how harebrained our schemes, how depraved our predilections, those who serve beneath us will provide a nice, soft landing.
Is there a historical anecdote that illustrates your exact point? Chappaquiddick.
Look it up.
I had a dream last night Schultz ate our souls! - Me too! - Me too! We gotta stop him.
Don't ask me how.
I'm a vague-ideas guy.
We need someone smart, someone who went to Stanford, won a Rhodes scholarship, then attended Yale Law.
- Oh, God.
- Shut up.
This Schultz boob just jumped into the race with no policies.
If we want to go toe-to-hoof with him, we need someone equally thoughtless.
She's right.
Overthinking's what got us into this mess, and underthinking is gonna get us out.
Hmm.
Who do we know that never puts a single thought into anything they do? [CRASH.]
Wow! And then he just went home? I'm not perfect, but I'm not Ted Kennedy.
I've made Jayne wait long enough.
By the way, should you ever need the strongest barbiturates known to medical science, look behind the painting in the state dining room.
- [PHONE VIBRATES.]
- If that's Jackie, uh, tell her I'm fighting for civil rights or some crap.
Hello? Every one of 'em? And behind Howard Schultz's eyes, it's completely black.
He doesn't feel like you and me.
He's got acid for blood! Why would I team up with you guys to take him down? You really want to go Mano-a-Mano with someone who thought less about their campaign than you? Alright.
Follow my lead, even though I have the barest wisp of an idea where I'm going.
Space Force, yeah! Space Force! Space Force! [SCHULTZ.]
So each and every one of you is dropping out of the race and endorsing me? - Mm-hmm.
- Uh-huh.
I figured it would come to this, just not so soon.
How about some Starbucks to celebrate? How thoughtful.
Anyone else gonna partake? - Nope.
- No.
Okay.
[SLURPING.]
Ahh.
This was lovely.
I'll be back with my designers who specialize in interiors that, once you enter, you immediately want to leave.
Idiot! I put JFK's horse tranquilizers in that coffee! And as soon as you pass out, we're shooting you into space! - Whoo-hoo! - Take that, asshole! Why aren't you panicking? Starbucks coffee is so acidic that it neutralizes the effects of even the most dangerous barbiturates.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna have you arrested for conspiracy to be mean to a billionaire.
Don't you mean "person of means"? "Billionaire" is my word.
I can say it.
Okay, Trump.
What's your Plan B? Aww.
You thought I had a Plan A.
You're alright, Lizzy.
Well, I guess this is it for all of us.
If you guys want to take anything from the White House, I got a crowbar in my desk.
- Wait.
But what if we just - It's over, Beto.
Times like these, I feel more grateful than ever that I have a girlfriend.
- She doesn't exist! - Shut up! Take me to the sheriff's office.
No lollygagging.
Right away, future president.
Finally.
Someone gets it.
[PRESIDENT TRUMP.]
What the hell are we doing out here? The pawn shop closes in 45 minutes.
Sir, I knew you wouldn't have a backup plan to take down Howard Schultz, and Earth would fly off orbit into the sun if Americans lost faith in their doughy, white men.
So I came up with a plan myself.
Please direct your attention to the distance, where the hog-tied coffee magnate is loaded into a rocket headed for space in three, two, one! Blast off! - Whoo-hoo! - Spaaaace Foooorrrce! Please explode, please explode, please explode.
- Whoo! - Aww, it didn't explode! Not that I have a problem with someone being in a confined space indefinitely, but aren't we kind of leaving Schultz to die in space? Oh, he has enough water and gerbil pellets to last him well past the 2020 election.
Doesn't China, Iran, and North Korea have militarized spacecrafts up there? I read that in a French newspaper! Oh, yeah! But on the other hand, pretty big-ass explosion, right? - Yeah! - What a beautiful sight! [GRAHAM.]
Plus, you blew up a rocket.
And when a rocket explodes and you need more rockets, it's a beautiful thing.
You guys look so good.
[SCHULTZ.]
You can't kill Howard Schultz.
I was here before the world began.
Ha ha ha ha.
Ha.
We felt bad Space Force didn't work out because you're crazy dumb, so we got you this.
You know what? A cool sweatshirt is all I wanted the whole time.
We'll, uh, see you on the campaign trail? Yep! Until one of you wins, I declare the election invalid, and we settle this in the streets.
['80S-STYLE POP MUSIC PLAYS.]
Donald Trump is the president Donald Trump is the president Is Donald Trump the president? Yes, he is Yes, he is, we elected him president Is Donald Trump the president? Yes, he is We had a vote and elected him president Donald Trump is the president Donald Trump He is our president We made him president We did it Donald Trump is the president We elected Donald Trump Donald Trump is the president Donald Trump is the president Yeah Trump!