Package Deal (2013) s02e10 Episode Script

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I finally found a good deal on a new set of golf clubs.
Awesome! Except that you don't golf.
Aw, yeah, but look at these things! I mean, carbon-fiber shaft, enlarged sweet-spot, inverted cones I don't know what any of that means.
And what's with all these other bags? Oh, well, I also needed sunglasses, so I picked up few pairs.
A few? There's gotta be at least a dozen pairs here.
Oh, the sun is everywhere, Danny.
Also, I wanted to reward myself after a grueling day of shopping, so I got a new tablet.
Wait, what happened to the one you bought last week? Somebody sneeze on it? Pfft! That old dinosaur didn't even have a front-facing camera.
I mean, who lives like that? Ryan, what's wrong? Wrong? Nothing nothing's wrong.
Why would you say that? Well, because every time you're stressed, you start shopping like a divorced dad on Christmas Eve.
That's ridiculous.
I am not stress-shopping.
Ahh.
These are kind of nice.
Oh, keep 'em.
I have six more pairs on order.
Fine.
I got another letter from Allison's lawyer.
Says I'm wasting her money.
She's trying to cut off my alimony again.
She may have a case.
Oh, she has a fantastic case! I mean, what if the judge sides with her? What if I get cut off? I still need a new watch, Danny! Yeah.
That one's hideous.
Let's go get some Rolexes.
Yeah! Ryan you're spending money because you're stressed you're going to be out of money.
You see the paradox here? No, Danny, I don't see the paradox here, because I am, as you know, a moron.
Okay, I'll tell you what.
I will represent you against Allison.
- Great! - But I'll only do it if you agree to go on a budget.
You're right.
I'll look at my finances right now.
You're shopping again, aren't you? How can I look at my finances on this stupid tablet? I need a new laptop! Nikki! You're supposed to be waiting on customers.
I am waiting for customers.
Oh you said "on" customers.
That's cute.
Where is everyone? They're all over at that new tea shop, across the road "Aunt Annie's Tea Kitchen.
" What does "Aunt Annie" have that I don't have? Mm, judging by their logo, granny glasses and a pretty good-sized pair of knockers.
You want me to go over there, check out the competition? We can't think of them as competition.
There's plenty of business for two tea shops.
Maybe in Victorian England.
Well, look at Starbucks! There's one on every corner, and they all do well.
That's because coffee is delicious and addictive, and tea is boring and tastes like sock-water.
I'll have a shot of tequila and Yeah, another shot of tequila.
Bad day? The worst.
My shop is dead and it's all because of that stupid new tea shop across the street.
Aunt Annie's? Everyone at work is talking about how they've never heard of it before.
You know what I would do if I ran that turkey of a store of yours? No.
And I don't care.
I would offer free iced-tea refills.
That's something Aunt Annie's doesn't offer.
You've been there, too? You hate tea! Not when it's served by a hot chick in a tartan mini-skirt.
That, and they have free WiFi.
I have WiFi! Yeah, but yours is slow, and only has a one-hour limit.
That's just not gonna cut it, what with today's larger porn files.
You know, Kim, those aren't bad ideas.
I mean, not the porn thing, but No way! Sheldon's not helping me with my business.
Yeah, that sounds like something I'm not gonna do.
Come on, Sheldon.
It couldn't hurt to just look at the place.
I mean, you did put "slimming sauna pants" on the map.
Well, that's true.
I mean, it was just a couple of pool floaties attached to a hemorrhoid pillow.
I don't need schemes.
I just need to offer good products at fair prices.
Oh, man, you really do need my help.
Okay, I made a spreadsheet of your expenses.
Now, here is what you spend every month.
And here's what you need to be spending.
Oh, dear God.
You're serious? Who can live on that? In some countries, a family of seven.
You need to cut back, Ryan.
I mean, how do you think I got that great loft? By getting low-level thugs acquitted on technicalities? Yes.
But I also make my lunch and eat at my desk.
I never buy gas on the weekend.
And I even charge my phone here in the office to save on electricity.
Oh, I get it.
You want me to be like you cheap! I am not cheap, Ryan.
I am fiscally responsible.
Let's look at some of your expenses.
For instance two cleaning ladies? Well, I like to straighten up before the cleaning lady comes.
So you have a cleaning lady for the cleaning lady? Well, when you say it like that, of course, it sounds like an extravagance! You can't afford to live like this, Ryan! You're not the King of Abu Dhabi! Of course I'm not Khalifa Bin Zayed Al Nahyan.
What is that? Oh, well, it's a Ahem.
Charity.
- Really? - Mm-hmm.
I've never heard of it.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
It's where you adopt a kid from, like, 1,000 miles away, so it fulfills my parental urge without me actually having to touch a child.
Look, the point is, Ryan, you need to make cutbacks.
Something's gotta go.
Fine.
You can get rid of the cleaning ladies.
They always just send their money back home anyways, so they obviously don't need it.
See, all these teapots are the same price.
You need to raise the price on one or two, make the rest look like bargains.
That seems like you're tricking people.
Well, thank you, Kim, I'm flattered you noticed.
I think Sheldon's onto something here, Kim.
It's like sitting beside an ugly chick at the bar so you look hotter.
Now.
Next up impulse buys.
'Kay? Why aren't you selling candies over by the cash? Uh, we have a global obesity problem.
I don't believe in candies.
Well, science has proven that they exist.
Now, what about these chocolate thingies right here? They'll do.
Well, those are sugar-free and very high in antioxidants.
It's like sticking your tongue on a battery.
Look, Kim, the time for playing nice is over.
Aunt Annie means business, okay? You gotta "release the kraken" on these guys.
Sheldon, I'm not one of your brothers.
You can't just pump me up by quoting Lord of the Rings.
Uh, it's Clash of the Titans.
So what are you gonna do here? Huh? You gonna invite the competition over for tea and make 'em your new B.
F.
F.
s? Well, as a matter of fact, yes.
She should be here any minute.
You really believe in all this stuff, don't you? That the world's a little fairy-dance and everyone's walking around hand-in-hand, pudding raining down from the sky? Hi.
I'm looking for Kim.
I'm Kim.
And you are? Dave Mathers.
Regional director, Aunt Annie's Tea Kitchen.
Oh, nice.
What is that? What a great space.
Friendly.
Relaxed.
Empty.
Just how I like my competition.
Well, my customers are on their way.
They're old.
They walk slow.
Anyway I wanted to welcome you to the neighborhood and I have a proposition what would you think about holding a tea fair together to promote both of our shops? I don't follow.
"Little Bo Peep" here would rather cooperate with you than compete against you.
Exactly.
Thanks, neighbor.
That sounds like a swell idea.
On second thought, I think we'd rather just ruin you.
Head office expects to dominate the market within the year.
You have a head office? Yeah.
Aunt Annie's Tea Kitchen is a subsidiary of "Manfred's Pork Renderings.
" You guys make a mean pig knuckle.
Thank you.
We're pretty proud of our dog food, too.
Why would a pork company make tea? Same reason we tear pigs to pieces.
It's profitable.
You have a nice day.
Release the kraken! I don't believe it.
That customer just bought three tins of my most expensive tea! Well, you can thank my new menu changes for that.
Oh.
"A percentage of each tea purchase is donated to saving the blue whales!" Aww, Sheldon, I love that.
Yeah, and we give ourselves hefty salaries as CEOs of the charity.
We make a killing.
Wait.
So you're telling me it's just a scam? What about the blue whales? Look, if you're the size of three school busses and you can't save yourself, you deserve to become extinct.
Oh.
Look at this.
Oolong.
An excellent choice.
Please have a "loose leaf" loyalty card.
Makes her feel like she's getting a deal, while we resell her email address to direct marketers for big bucks! Nikki, what happened to my relaxing "Eastern Bell" music? Oh, Sheldon had me change it to Eurobeat.
He says the tempo influences people to make impulsive decisions.
Hey, you.
You wanna get naked? Where did that come from? Oh, I'm sorry! Do you wanna get naked? Look, Kim.
This is what success feels like, huh? Don't run from it.
Let it wash all over you.
Where are you going? I'm going to the bank.
Nikki, I've told you a million times, do your banking on your lunch.
It's not for me, it's for the shop.
We need change.
All we have left are 20s.
Huh.
We need change? We've never needed change! Could I interest you in a loose leaf loyalty card? Don't forget to get his email Hi.
Excuse me.
Is this the Alliance Club? I didn't see a sign.
We have a saying at the Alliance Club.
"If you're worth knowing, you know we're here.
" So what is this, a country club? No.
The Alliance Club is a highly-exclusive urban oasis with a five-star restaurant, two bars and a full-service spa.
Well, you said a lot of words, but all I heard was "country club.
" Can I help you with something? I'm here to see my brother, Ryan White.
Oh.
I'm terribly sorry, but he's with his personal trainer right now.
Would you care to remove your tie and wait in the lounge? Remove my tie? We like to preserve a feeling of informality.
Complimentary cocktail and an amuse bouche.
Cocktail and a snack? I just want to speak to my brother.
Oh, my God.
Well, that tastes so good, I'm ashamed.
You know, I will have that cocktail.
Hey! What gives? Why are you ladies dressed? Why wouldn't we be dressed? Oh, no.
Oh, no-no-no-no-no! How long have you been staring at the word "tea" and not saw its full potential? You can't do this, Sheldon.
It's sexist! I'll say.
Where are the beefcakes in the banana hammocks? That's it.
You're taking this too far.
Too far? No, no, no.
We're just getting started.
I already hired a couple of homeless guys to start a trashcan fire in front of Annie's.
You know what? I'd rather be broke than do things your way.
I think you should go.
Wait a minute.
You're firing me? I'm not even getting paid! Well, I guess I'm getting my money's worth.
Fine.
I'm outta here.
Come on, ladies.
Let's go, huh? Move your T&A.
I, uh got a 50 for a lap-dance.
Danny.
Ryan Listen, I can explain.
Explain what? That you lied to me? You're mad.
Of course, I'm mad.
Why wouldn't you tell me about this? Because I knew you'd be mad at me for spending recklessly.
You're right.
This is a complete waste of money.
A little bit higher? Can I get you a drink, Dr.
White? The usual, Madeline.
"Dr.
White"? Would you excuse us, please? If you must know, the people here think I'm a globe-trotting heart surgeon with a weakness for European women and a penchant for racing thoroughbred horses.
I also own a hockey team.
Wow.
You've really thought this through.
Yeah, we're going to the play-offs this season.
One croque monsieur, with truffle fries.
Oh, and I hope you don't mind, sir, but we've taken the liberty of dry-cleaning your suit jacket.
Ryan, I'm sorry, but there's just no way around it.
You have got to get me a membership here! I'm all for crushing that Dave creep, but Sheldon crossed a line.
Don't feel bad.
Sheldon improved business, just like he said he would, and you got rid of him anyway.
Okay, feel bad.
So do you think I owe him an apology? No.
Or yes.
I don't know.
Just trying to keep this conversation going, 'cause you're buying the drinks.
But if you really want to apologize, here's your chance.
What the hell? He's with Dave? That bastard! You might want to leave that part out of your apology.
Afternoon, Levy.
How's the backswing? Well, you certainly seem to be settling in here.
Oh, Ryan, I cannot believe I used to eat all those crappy homemade sandwiches at my desk.
Well, now, Danny, I made a lot of those sandwiches.
My point is, it is time I tore a page outta your book.
I was being cheap.
Now, I work hard.
I deserve a little pampering.
Listen, about that.
Oh, they're playing Godfather on the roof tonight.
Now, I heard they have a copy with an alternate ending that only rich people are allowed to see.
Look, Danny, I have some bad news.
I know.
It's only an extra 10 minutes of Diane Keaton crying, but I still want to see it.
It's worse.
I submitted your application to the membership committee, and, well, they rejected it.
What? Why? Not sure.
Guess they have quotas.
Quotas? Too many "Dannys"? But that doesn't make sense.
Now, I could see if they had quotas for lawyers Right! Lawyers that was it.
Too many lawyers.
But wait.
I can I can still hang out here, right? On guest passes? See, that's the problem.
I only get 10 of those a year and we just used my last one.
So, what, I just I just leave now? No! No, no.
Of course not.
No.
You stay as long as you want.
Until 3:00.
I just had a half-day pass.
Sheldon! What the hell? Kim.
What a shock.
I didn't expect to see you here, where we hang out all the time.
So, what, you're friends with the competition now? We're not friends.
We're just trying to ensure your demise.
Sheldon has a ton of guerilla marketing ideas, a number of which turned out to be surprisingly legal.
I'm not talking to you, pig-assassin.
Sheldon, you've done a lot of dirty things, but this one really hurts! Sheldon, do you play an instrument? 'Cause I think this speech could use a little violin.
Yeah, well, you guys can laugh all you want! And? That's all I got.
You are pretty naive when it comes to business.
You're right.
Maybe I am naive, but at least I've got a heart.
Oh, well, I may not have a heart, but soon, I'll be rich enough to buy one on the black market.
Mr.
White? May I see your guest pass? Darn it! You know, I must have left that in my car.
Really? Okay, look.
I know how this works.
I am gonna put some money on the desk and turn around.
When I turn back, maybe there'll be a guest pass waiting for me.
If you like this place so much, why did you withdraw your membership application? Also $10? Seriously? I didn't withdraw my application.
Danny? What are you doing here? Oh, nothing.
Just finding out that my membership application was pulled by a so-called "Dr.
White.
" Would you please lower your voice? She's got a thing for surgeons and I'm about six weeks away from getting the nerve to ask her out.
You don't want me here! You're right.
I don't.
Why not? I'm your brother.
Exactly.
Exactly what? You're my brother! Exactly! Exactly what? I'm your What? Look, Danny.
I know you think I'm just some frivolous, neurotic divorce who's taken care of by his wife - You are! - Yes.
But not here! When I walk through those doors, I am a cool, successful doctor.
It's like my own private oasis! People actually respect me here.
I respect you.
I don't care if you're not a doctor.
Or that you can't even get close to a hospital without hyperventilating.
Thanks, man.
Look, if it means so much to you, keep the club membership.
It'll be our little secret.
You mean it? Sure.
We'll just find other areas to cut your spending.
I found a receipt for "hot-air balloon storage.
" Is that a misprint? Surprisingly, no.
Ah, Danny.
You don't know what this means to me.
You're the greatest son of a bitch! You told Kim about this place.
What Hey.
There you are.
Kim, how did you find me? Your "Find My Phone" password is "Danny.
" I always know where you are.
Oh.
Well, you're probably wondering what we're doing here.
Do you know what your brother did? Sheldon crapped all over my tea shop, and then went to work for Aunt Annie's.
Only after I increased her business, like, 1,000%.
Sheldon, how did you get here? Let me guess.
"Find My Phone?" No, I just followed Kim.
Funny story so Danny and I were looking for a model train store and got lost Yeah, yeah, whatever.
Sheldon stabbed me in the back! She threw me out of her shop after all I was trying to do was help.
Guys! Look, you can't keep running to me every time you have a fight.
You're grown-ups.
Figure this one out yourselves.
No, no, no.
I got nothing to say to you.
You obviously don't care about what I think or feel.
Wait.
Are you telling me that the only reason you went to go work for Aunt Annie's is because I made you feel bad? Well, I wouldn't have worded it like a little eight-year-old girl, but yeah! Why do you even care what I think? I thought I was just some dumb hippy who thinks the sky rains pudding.
You are.
But, you know, I guess the world needs pudding.
It does? Yeah.
Annoying, tasteless pudding without an ounce of business sense! Well I accept your olive branch.
Oh, no.
No, no.
That wasn't an olive branch.
Uh-uh! Olive branch accepted! Do you even know what an olive branch is? Well, looks like your secret is safe after all, Dr.
White.
I think it is.
Mrs.
Glass is choking! Oh, Dr.
White! Thank God, you're still here! Run! Goodbye, Alliance Club.
Goodbye, medical license.
Goodbye, timeshare yacht.
Well, Ryan, I did manage to secure your alimony.
Maybe you could study and actually become a real doctor.
Oh, yeah, blood, needles, people peeing into cups and handing them to me.
That sounds like my thing.
Well, Kim, you'll be happy to know that I choked on a tapioca ball down at Aunt Annie's.
Really? Oh, yeah.
It was a big scene.
Cleared the place out.
Wait a minute, Sheldon.
Did you pretend to choke on a bubble tea for me? No, Kim.
It was a real medical emergency, and if it wasn't for Dave's quick reflexes and CPR, I wouldn't be alive today.
And now I'm gonna sue him.