Perfect Strangers (1986) s02e10 Episode Script

It's true.
You can see yourself.
Did you make coffee? Make coffee? What do I look like, a percolator? Where do I come up with them? Of course I made coffee.
I know you can't even speak before you have your coffee.
Question: What is that on your face? Toilet paper.
Why would you put toilet paper on your face? I cut myself shaving.
Repeatedly.
There's no hot water.
I told Twinkacetti the hot water heater was acting up.
I even sent him a letter to complain.
Did you mention the sink too? What's wrong with the sink? - It don't work.
What? Well, it's not draining.
Just try turning on the garbage disposal.
No You don't want that.
- Just try.
Flick the switch.
Balki, turn on the garbage disposal.
I think I found the problem.
What is it? - It's the garbage disposal.
Don't worry, I'll fix the sink.
Balki, you don't have to fix anything.
- I don't? That's Twinkacetti's responsibility.
Who do you think fixed the doorbell? Me.
- What do you mean "me"? I don't mean you, I mean me.
I fixed the doorbell, I fixed the oven, and now I'm going to go fix the sink.
Balki, Twinkacetti should have repaired all those things.
Why should Mr.
Twinkacetti fix our sink? Because it's not our sink.
- Oh.
Whose sink is it? Twinkacetti is the landlord.
He owns the building and everything in it, including the kitchen sink.
Why do you think we pay rent? For the privilege of sleeping indoors without livestock? Balki, get off the boat and join the worid.
Hi, guys.
Jennifer.
Wow.
I just love those bold American fashions.
Balki, that's a towel.
Well, of course it is.
Don't be ridiculous.
Is it reversible? Well, I'd really like to stay and chat, but I need to use your shower.
Mine's broken again.
- Well, help yourself.
We only have cold water.
Can you believe this building? - Wish we could do something about this.
Well, I guess I'll just get started on that garbage disposal.
Wait a minute.
We'll get Twinkacetti to fix it.
We could band together.
If enough people wanna change something, they can.
We stopped a war, we got women the vote.
We came that close to getting daylight-savings time all year round.
But, cousin, Mr.
Twinkacetti is a landowner, and we're just lowly common peasants.
Balki, this is a democracy.
We're all created equally lowly and common.
We'll get all the tenants together, make out a list of complaints and present them to Twinkacetti.
He has to listen to us.
Count me in.
Oh, thanks for letting me use your shower.
Sure.
I need more coffee.
Let's keep our heads.
We've got to approach this in a civilized manner.
Susan? - I've been trying to get Twinkacetti to fix my ceiling for three years.
Dream on, the man's a rodent.
Does anyone else's living room tilt to the right? Yes, Balki? - Not a question, just a comment.
This is wonderful.
Here we are, a group of total strangers, brought together by a common cause in the pursuit of justice and the American way.
Well, thank you for sharing that.
Anything else? Yeah.
Who's gonna give this grievance list to Twinkacetti? Not me.
- We need a leader.
Cousin Larry can be the leader.
Larry, you'd be perfect.
Yes, Larry, you reek of leadership.
Really? Well, maybe I do reek a little.
Cousin, who's kidding who? You reek all the time.
All in favor of Cousin Larry, say bagda.
Bagda.
Well, okay.
I'll be the leader.
I'll type up the letter to Twinkacetti and send it to him.
Isn't he something? We have leases and Twinkacetti has got to live up to those leases.
Yeah.
- In a minute, Balki.
In fact, I think that we'll insist that he fix everything on our list.
You know, it is time that we Placed our orders for Tupperware.
Who would like the cold-cuts keeper? Just raise your hand.
One, two, three, four, five, six.
Oh, hello, Mr.
Twinkacetti.
Tupperware, huh? Well, actually, we're here because we have Grievances.
"Leaky roof, worn-out carpet, clogged disposal.
" You know, I really would like to fix these things.
You would? - Oh, yes, I I just have a cash flow problem.
Just this week, both grandmothers, they They went in for heart transplants.
Oh, please.
Oh, you poor, poor man.
And we think we have troubles.
Balki, must you be the póster child for the hopelessly naive? The man is lying.
He has no grandmothers.
He probably sold them.
You lied about your nanas? Look, you ingrates, you got no right meeting here like this.
Here's what I think of your list of grievances.
Let's get him.
Yeah! Please, Mrs.
Schalgelmilch.
People, you are turning into an ugly mob.
Well, not you, Jennifer.
We can still work within the system.
Cousin Larry's right.
We studied something like this in my citizenship class.
Listen to this man, he knows his history.
At the Boston Tea Party, the people are angry with King George because they pay him tax money, but he don't listen to them.
So they protest by they get together, and they dip his teabags in the filthy, dirty, harbor water.
And they don't pay the tax money.
What if we protest by get together and don't pay our rent money? What would you call that, Cousin Larry? Well, I'd call it a rent strike.
Cousin Larry calls a rent strike.
- No Yeah! Rent strike, rent strike, rent strike! - Okay, Appleton.
You don't know who you're dealing with here.
This democracy, I like it.
Rent strike, rent strike, rent strike! What's going on? It must be 3O degrees.
Twenty-five.
I checked.
Why is the furnace off? Why didn't my electric blanket work? Why are you cooking over a candle? These are easy questions.
We have no heat or electricity because Mr.
Twinkacetti turned them off.
How do you like your egg? Loose, I hope.
Twinkacetti is playing really dirty.
Nobody can survive like this.
Here, give me that.
You know, the trouble with you Americans is you can't take a little hardship.
You know, in Mypos, we lived with it constantly.
Take the Great Alfalfa Famine of '82.
Hungry sheep staring into space.
Hungry men staring back at them.
Mama asked me to help out by selling fig cakes on the street corner.
And we only have just the one road running through my village so I had to walk 5O miles to find a street corner.
And by the time I get there, I eat all my fig cakes.
Now there's true hardship.
No.
No, true hardship is listening to that story.
I'm gonna make some coffee.
That's what I need.
BALKl: Well, about that coffee.
Mr.
Twinkacetti also turned off the water, so you can't have that.
Oh, my God.
I have to have coffee to cope, to exist.
I need it to, uh To, uh What do you call that when you make up things in your mind? Think.
I can't think.
I know, I'll go to the coffee shop on the corner.
It's not open yet.
- Damn.
I have to have coffee.
I know, I'll make it with ginger ale.
Cousin, you can't heat it up.
All right, we'll make a fire.
We have no firewood.
We'll break up the furniture.
I don't think so.
Why not? Cousin, you're not going to burn the furniture to make a cup of coffee.
Cousin I think you've reached the end of the pier again.
You've got to get a grip on yourself.
You're right, you're right.
I've gotta get control.
I've gotta keep my wits.
Cream and sugar? Vinnie, this is Twinkie.
I wanna put a grand on Chocaholic to win in the fifth.
Yeah, of course I'm good for it.
You think you can handle this without coffee? I'm fine.
Let me at him.
Top of the morning, boys, did we all sleep warm and snugly? I sure did.
Mr.
Twinkacetti, in the middle of the night you turned off our Our, uh Our, uh The, you know - Water.
Water.
And our And our And our Electricity.
- Electricity.
And I am I am Larry Appleton.
- Larry Appleton, I know that.
It's everything else I don't know.
Did you boys come in here to give up? - Oh Hm? You stand over there.
- Yeah.
You know, in Mypos, we have a word for people like you.
You're a: Gee, take that back, please.
What is a rigorormorkatokous? It's a byproduct of swamp slime.
Mr.
Twinkacetti, you are playing really dirty.
But you cannot push us.
We have We have Is that fresh coffee I smell? Fresh hot coffee.
Have some, Appleton.
Special of the day.
Only 10 bucks a cup.
Ten dollars for a cup of coffee? That is outrageous.
Balki, lend me $5.
Cousin, get a grip on yourself.
You're going to pay $ 10 for a stupid beverage? Yes, and don't you ever call it stupid.
Here's for a half a cup.
That's good.
All right now, Twinkacetti What was I talking about? I noticed you turned off our heat, and our water, and And electricity.
- You think you're tough? You don't know what tough is.
This is tough.
I am tough.
In fact, I don't even need your stinking coffee.
You should see him after a second cup.
Ooh.
I can take whatever you can dish out.
In fact, we're not giving in until you'd fix everything on our list.
You heard that right.
You better start respecting Cousin Larry.
Oh, but I do, turnip.
I respect Cousin Larry just as much as I respect Cousin Moe and Cousin Curly.
Cousin, why you didn't introduce me to the rest of the family? I forgot.
All right, people, it's 7:OO.
Remember, we're trespassing.
Balki, get them moving.
Well, it's not exactly home, but it's warmer than my apartment.
I can't sleep on the floor anymore.
I'm getting a flat spot on my hair.
He's here.
It's Twinkacetti.
He's early.
Everybody hide.
Would you look at this? They left the lights on.
Even a chimpanzee could turn off lights, and be better company.
Freeze it.
Come out, come on.
Morning.
Lovely hair.
Hello.
Warm? Schalgelmilch.
- Rodent.
I know what you're going to say, Mr.
Twinkacetti, but this is all your fault.
If you didn't turn our heat off, we wouldn't sleep here.
I know it's my fault, and I'm sorry.
Oh, no, you're not gonna get away Hey, all men are brothers, right? Who is this man? Look, people, I would like to end our little disagreement.
You don't think I like to make people suffer, do you? Yeah.
Oh, now, that hurts.
I'm willing to make a few repairs if you're willing to pay the rent today.
Mr.
Twinkacetti, it's a friend for you, Mr.
Vinnie The Finger.
I'm not here, turnip.
He says: "I'm not here, turnip.
" Oh.
Well, okay.
Nice chatting with you, Mr.
The Finger.
Bye.
Vinnie says, he wants to take you fishing and to buy you a concrete vest.
Oh.
Nice man.
Oh.
Balki, Balki, that was his bookie.
He needs money.
Our rent money.
Yes.
We got him.
Yes, we got him.
Now, listen, people, this is more than a business.
My life is at stake.
Doesn't anyone care? That silence is like a nail in my heart.
Listen, slug, I want my front door fixed by tomorrow.
You got it, Schalgelmilch.
We want our places painted.
- Yeah.
And fumigated.
- Right, all right.
Okay, you got a deal.
All right.
BALKl: No, no, no.
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
People, listen, don't you see what's happening? We have not won.
He has not given us everything on the list.
If I give you everything on that list I won't have any more money for anything else.
What do you think? I just fell off the turnip truck? Well, I didn't.
I jumped off with my own two feet.
Now, Max, you said that the building needs a new washer and dryer.
Right.
TWINKACETTl: Uh Okay.
And, Susan, you need your ceiling fixed.
The whole thing? Okay.
- Mrs.
Schalgelmilch, your carpeting.
You're pushing me.
- I'm going to call Mr.
The Finger.
Okay, okay, okay, but that's it.
Well, I got what I wanted.
- Me too.
Now, get Norma Rae out of here.
No, wait.
There's more thing on the list.
We can fight.
We can hold out.
We can win.
Oh, some other time, kid, I gotta get to work.
Yeah, I gotta go look for a job.
Thanks for everything, Balki.
But we don't have everything.
What about remodeling the recreation room? Yeah.
- What about air conditioning? Air conditioning.
- What about the security system? Balki, it's over.
- Okay.
Hey, this is great.
Look: I can't see my breath.
The heat is on.
Balki, what are you doing? I must sit among the ashes.
No, don't sit among the ashes.
I am humiliated.
I make a fool of myself.
No, you didn't.
You made a lot of people very happy.
Come on.
I don't understand.
Why they are happy? We lose.
- We didn't lose.
Twinkacetti is gonna spend two months fixing this place up.
But we don't get everything on the list.
We never planned to get everything on the list.
Cousin, you say to Mr.
Twinkacetti that we will not quit until we get everything, and I want to do what you said.
That's called negotiating.
You ask for more than you want so you get what you need.
Then why don't you just ask for what you need? Because you won't get it.
- You're right, I don't get it.
Balki, you did a great job.
I did? - You did.
I did good? - You did great.
You got us more than we ever expected.
You're a very good negotiator.
You stood up to Twinkacetti.
I guess I did.
You were going to stop before we got a washer and dryer.
This building is very lucky to have Balki Bartokomous living here.
Really? - I know I'm better off.
Hi.
I just wanted to say thank you.
You were terrific.
Oh, well, you know, l - I was talking to Balki.
Right.
I knew that.
You were magnetic.
She called me a magnet.
You've got guts, Balki.
I like that in a refugee.
How about coming to my place for breakfast? Would you like that? Does a sheep like potato root? That means yes, you little lamb kebab.
Don't wait up.
I'm going to negotiate with her.