Robot Chicken s02e10 Episode Script

It's alive! One, two, three.
Paper beats face! One, two, three.
Rock punches nuts! One, two, three.
- Scissors in your anus.
- I hate this game.
Our Care Bear franchise is on the brink of collapse.
Corrupted by impure creatures that leach off our sunshine land.
I'm talking of course about the Care Bear Cousins.
Care Bear Cousins suck! I may be Love-A-Lot Bear, but I can hate a lot, too.
We can no longer ignore the elephant in the room.
Did I miss something? We must send them all to the Great Cloud Keeper in the sky.
Bedtime Bear.
Y'all know what time it is.
It's bedtime! And by bed, I mean ethnic, and by time, I mean cleansing.
Care-a-Lot! Care-a-Lot! - Care-a-lot! - Stop.
Famous character actor Don Cheadle.
You don't have to do this.
I've built a hotel where the Cousins can be safe.
Yeah, we can keep the corpses in there.
No, that's not what I meant at all.
I loved you in Swordfish, Mr.
Cheadle.
- Can I have your autograph? - OK.
I'm Lots-a-Laughs Bear and I've gathered y'all here today for a special, happy celebration.
If it's a special, happy celebration then why am I crapping a load in my drawers? We did it! We killed all the Care Bear Cousins! Hooray for murder! Now let us celebrate our genocide! Get your party on! Everyone, eat some rainbow! That's good rainbow.
It's the Great Cloud Keeper in the sky! Care Bears, I have watched your actions with great displeasure.
But we purified the land of Care-a-Lot.
For your dark and terrible deeds I shall turn Care-a-Lot into a dark and terrible place.
A hell on earth, I shall turn Care-a-Lot into New Jersey.
Hello, I'm New Jersey's Governor, Jon Corzine.
I hope you've enjoyed this reenactment of our State's proud history.
The Garden State.
Come get in on some of this rainbow.
Did you get it? Nice shoes, but they'd look much better in my pants.
Wait, I mean, are you from heaven? 'Cause I've got an erection.
Rob Schneider.
If he wasn't so handsome, I would stop seeing his movies.
- Don't you agree, little Heimlich? - Ya, papa.
Look out my papa! Papa! Papa! No! And punch and kick, and punch and kick, and punch and kick and jazz hands, and punch, and good.
Good, young Heimlich.
You are learning very fast.
- Are you ready to face your deepest fear? - Yeah.
- He's choking! - He's a goner, Heimlich.
Nein, he's practice.
Heimlich, that maneuver is the key to your greatness.
You are ready.
The Choker! His portions are always too big.
Heimlich, do the maneuver! Heimlich, how can we ever thank you? Mit bratwurst and beer.
And that is how I, Joel Schumacher, see it.
It's always sausage with you, isn't it? Mary had a little lamb.
Mary had a little lamb.
Mary had a little lamb.
Ricky, the doctors say the accident left you mute.
Do you know what that means? It means you can't talk no more! But just because you can't talk, don't mean you can't communicate.
Look what I got you.
You wear this everywhere you go.
Kick it over here, Hi, my name is Ricky.
Nice job on defense, Hi, my name is Ricky.
You suck.
You seriously fucking suck dude.
Ricky, the doctors say the accident left you mostly deaf.
Do you know what that means? I said do you know what that means? Well, anyway, this is just another challenge, huh, champo? I got you these hearing aids.
Nice hustle, Hello, I'm hearing impaired.
You kind of suck, Hello, I'm hearing impaired.
Ricky, the doctors say the accident affected your brain.
We don't really know what that means yet but I got you these googly eye glasses.
We won, Howdy, I have brain damage! Three cheers for Howdy, I have brain damage.
That was really something.
Which kid is yours? That fat Asian kid.
Oh, my God! Jeffrey, we're out of ice cream! Look, Potter, I taught the Sorting Hat a new trick.
Virgin! Looks like Potter is He Who Shall Not Be Laid.
Guess the monster Pubertus hasn't caught up with you yet.
Pubertus is just a myth, Malfoy.
Second base.
Class, today we shall be learning spells which give objects the property of wood.
Property of wood? That's happening to me right now.
Pubertus.
Professor Dumbledore, I think the monster Pubertus has cursed me.
- Yo.
- Who are you? - Harry, it's me.
Dumbledore.
- But Dumbledore isn't Listen I'm a different actor in every movie.
Here, this might aid you.
It was your dad's.
It's engraved.
"This handy stone fits in your palm, but only heat will turn it on.
" I know what turns me on.
Halle Berry in Swordfish.
DVD's pauses.
- Oh, no! - What is it, Ron? The monster Pubertus has cursed me, too.
He's even cursed Scabbers.
- All right, you can stop now.
- What are we going to do? - Let's ask Hagrid for help.
- Don't be ridiculous, Hermione.
We need to confront the terrible horror ourselves and potentially end up hospitalized like always.
All right, just finish.
Professor Snape, Harry and Ron have been cursed by the monster Pubertus.
Pubertus, eh? Let's discuss this further in my magical jacuzzi.
Barry Whitus, Candle Lightus, Girl Excitus.
¤ Get into my tub ¤ So, shall we play put the Sorting Hat on the Slytherin? Pedophilius Repelus! According to legend, Pubertus lives in this dungeon.
Harry, I'm scared.
You're always scared, you chicken shit.
I can't help it! I'm a scared, pimple-faced, red headed chicken shit virgin! Ron, shush.
Do you hear that noise? Pubertus! Hormones Controlus! "Only heat will turn it on.
" I must have to rub this stone.
It worked! Quickly, Harry, rub it out again! Harry, rub another one out! Quickly! I'm rubbing as hard as I can! The stone is getting all chaffed.
Harry, I forgot to explain.
The Rubbing Stone can only be used three times in a day.
Four, if you take a week off.
Then how do we defeat Pubertus? Man, you can't defeat Pubertus! He lives inside y'all.
Just as my own demon, Wandas Limpus prevents me from having meaningful relationships.