Samantha Who? s02e10 Episode Script

Being single is completely underrated.
You can use up all the hot water for long baths, Not share the popcorn And hog the remote to flip through 500 channels.
This is helpful if you have amnesia.
You can fill in decades of info In the time it takes your nail polish to dry.
Did you know that hitler had a mistress? What a jerk.
- History channel again? - Yeah.
I only caught the second half, But i think i pretty much got the gist.
Oh,look at this.
You can send coffee to the troops.
No.
Put it down.
Why? It's a very nice thing to do.
Yeah,i thought it was a nice thing,too, So i sent a pound of sumatra dark and a note And got a note back From captain randy holt saying thank you, And so i,just to be polite, e-Mailed back,"you're welcome," And then he e-Mailed me back, "what's up?" So now i feel like i'm cheating on chase and i led him on, And i'm a coffee tease.
"Coffee,teas.
" - See? The whole store knows! - Oh,come on.
Calm down.
You are not cheating on chase.
All right? He's just a lonely soldier who wants news from home.
You know,just keep it to, like,small talk,you know? Boring stuff, like,oh,you know what? Why don't you tell him that story you told me three times About your broken fridge hey.
Which i found thrilling, but i think in his day, It would be a nice break from all the excitement.
Hey,andrea Shh.
I'm on a date.
You and tony dane are still texting? - Come on.
When are you gonna meet him? - Bup.
Bup.
Look,i know he's a big basketball star and everything, But,you know, he should take the time-- - Bup.
Bah.
- Okay,why are you "bupping" me? Look,it's okay.
You know,just 'cause i'm not dating anyone Doesn't mean that you can't talk to me about your relationship.
That is exactly what it means.
Every time you're not dating someone and i am, You do everything you can to try and break us up.
Oh,come on.
I will never do Oh,and of course,i'm wrong.
I'm gonna go to the little girls'room.
I'll be right back.
You guys make a great couple.
- Mm-Hmm.
- Yeah.
Andrea must be really happy If she's gonna try and go off her meds again.
Whoa.
You work out,huh? Huh.
That'll be helpful when andrea's husband gets out of prison.
Seriously? You don't recognize her from her "film" career? No? All right,look,i know that used to happen,but i am - different now.
- different now.
- We know.
- Fine.
Whatever.
I will back off.
I just thought it would be a nice story to tell your kids, That mommy and daddy actually met once.
Look,we're trying to meet.
We're just very high-Powered people with very busy schedules.
Oh.
Yeah,but it kinda seems like he's the one who's always - Canceling on you-- - Bup.
Bup.
Bup.
Bup.
Bah.
Bah.
Bah.
I know.
proudly presents ·­Ò룺 Who? Season02 Episode10 All right,turn on the tube.
The game starts in five minutes.
What channel is it on? Todd? It's cameron.
I didn't hear from you.
I just called to see if you wanted to meet up some time.
Cameron? The dancer with the legs and the daddy issues.
What the hell,man? It's not my call.
I don't know.
Man,i'd be all over that.
And that girl at the deli? "Take a number.
Here's mine.
" They're dropping from trees out there.
What are you hanging around here for? - Hey,guys.
- Hey.
Hey.
Shut up.
Todd,come on.
What are you doing,man? Well,you know,we've been hanging out a lot lately--movies,dinners.
You know,maybe it'll grow from friends into something else.
Todd,listen to me.
You are quickly becoming gay roommate.
If you want it to turn into something, You gotta make her miss you.
- We live in the same apartment.
- Then get out.
Be less available.
All right? Sam is smart.
Why buy the bull when you can castrate it for free? - Wow.
That's--That's beautiful,man.
- Mm-Hmm.
Hey.
Hey,seth - You work for tony dane,right? - Towel boy.
Mock if you will,my friend, but if it weren't for me, he'd always be wet.
Yeah,well,you know, I don't like the way that he is treating andrea.
I mean,what--Why is he stringing her along? I mean,does he not like her or something? I mean,what is he afraid of commitment? Like,what's the deal? Well,i don't know.
I'll--I'll The next time we get our nails done.
Look,i need to talk to him,ok? - Why? - Because i owe her.
Look,i just need a way to get to him sethy.
So what,i just go in? This is what you wanted.
Now here is your press pass.
If you get caught or captured, i don't know you, Because believe it or not,it is possible for me to be demoted.
Really? Wow.
Okay.
Good game.
Good game.
Way to play.
Way to play.
Oh,i'm sorry about that.
Ooh,that's a whole lot of naked.
- That's a whole - how did u guys give up 20 unanswered points in the fourth quarter? We gotta come to play every night.
Anyone in this league can beat you any night of the week, Soyou gotta rely on your teammates.
Any more questions? Why do you keep canceling??? What paper are you with? I happen to be with,uh "Heinie" magazine.
Anyway,why do you keep canceling on her? What--What is it,are you a commitment phobe or a big fat liar? Which is it? I'm not canceling on her.
She's canceling on me.
Really? That's weird.
Hey,andrea.
- What did you do? - Me? Nothin'.
This and that.
- You? - Oh,me? Me? I got a text message from tony dane.
He said,"some crazy blonde came into my locker room And accused me of always canceling on you.
" That paris hilton.
God,she's everywhere.
You just had to get involved,didn't you? - I told you to leave it alone.
- Yeah,well,you know what? You also told me that he was canceling on you.
So you know what? You lied to me, And i--That's one of the sins.
Don't even! Why don't you want to see him? Because! Because it is perfect.
We text each other all the time.
We-We share things.
We never fight.
It is the best relationship i've ever had,And you just destroyed it.
I guess you managed to hear all that.
Some.
Mostly,i was writing a poem.
Ooh.
Blah.
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Hey.
I am completely afraid That a bug is gonna crawl down my throat when i'm asleep.
I saw that on the discovery channel Last night.
When did you start thinking that your life needed a narrator? Everyone is afraid of something,all right? Go out with tony.
You need more than a text relationship,andrea.
You deserve that.
- And tony likes you.
- No.
No.
he likes the stuff my phone says i say.
Okay? I mean, i could be this perfect person, And i plan every word, and i could spell-Check myself.
I mean,what if i meet him, and every word that just comes out of my mouth Is just misspelled? Well,if that's what you're worried about,i'll go with you.
I'll bring todd.
We can be like the ricardos and the mertzes The flintstones and the rubbles.
Yeah,i've been watching way too much tv.
Yes.
Mr.
Newly,hi.
I have a situation.
I've been writing to a soldier in iraq, And i may have mentioned in a letter That my refrigerator's broken.
Today this one showed up.
And if my boyfriend-- My real boyfriend,chase, Sees it at my place, he'll know i'm cheating.
Regina,it's for you! Uh Hey,todd,will you bring me my purse? Hey,is the man of the house at home? - I was getting this for samantha.
- Yeah,that's better.
Oh,um,before i forget,We are going out with andrea tomorrow night,okay? Hey,seth.
No.
- No? - No.
Not available.
Not even gonna say why.
Okay,well,i just thought You might wanna hang out with tony dane, But i guess i was wrong.
- Okay! Okay.
- Yay! 8:00.
This is you playing hard to get,huh? So far i've only seen "get.
" I'm hanging out with tony dane.
I can still ignore sam.
In fact,this way, She can see me ignore her.
It'll drive her nuts,huh? Up high! - Gay - Shut up.
Roommate.
This is in farsi.
I should have stopped writing captain randy.
Sam said it was okay, but now look the poor guy is sending me major appliances.
I mean,i-I have to get out of this.
It's tearing me apart.
I can't keep living two lives.
Honey,i don't think you're living one.
You gotta break up with this guy.
I can't break up with a soldier.
I have a "support the troops" sticker on my car.
Oh,then let me do it.
Please? I haven't broken up with anyone for so long.
It'll make me feel like a teenager.
No,it's my responsibility.
I'm--I'm just gonna go and--And do it now.
Fine.
Leave, but don't come back.
- Excuse me? - No.
Please don't Don't make this any harder than it needs to be.
We had our chance, but our chance came and went.
People change.
So just Just walk away And always remember the times that we had.
Oh! Oh! You are so hired.
Hello? Thirsty.
- Mm.
- My drink? Uh,you know, I-I forgot you were there - Ahem.
- You know what? I should go.
Yeah,i have a big tort complaint to prepare for, And you don't even know what that is, So you can't say i'm lying.
- Yeah.
- Here he comes.
You see? He hates me.
He doesn't.
Just breathe,okay? Andrea? Oh,it was definitely worth the wait.
High-Lo.
I mean to say "hi," And--And then i thought,"hello," And it came out like,"high-Lo.
" Let me start again.
High-Lo.
Now philly-- That's a tough town to play in.
Huh.
So are you two together or what? - Uh,well,we used to be,but now we just live together.
- Nope.
I'm alone.
Lone wolf.
I'm gonna go to the bathroom.
Yeah.
Oh,excuse me.
- Gay? - Trust me.
Yeah,well, he wasn't before he went.
He--He took the urinal right next to me, And then there was a look.
How does that make him gay? - And then there was a nod.
- Okay,a look and a nod.
- That's it? - And smile.
There was a look, a nod and a smile,sam.
The only thing missing was ice skates.
- Ice skates? - Well,figure skaters are gay,right? Look,i-I don't know.
This is not my scene.
Sam.
Sam,come here.
Do not say anything,all right? This is going really well, And i'm not gonna let anything screw it up.
Okay? Yeah? Tony just said the most amazing thing.
Go ahead.
Say it again.
- I just said i liked her shoes.
- No,no,no.
He said he liked my vintage lacroix shoes.
I mean,really,what kind of man notices something like that? Sam,thoughts? Look at her.
She likes him.
Maybe she can change him.
It's possible,you know.
They have camps for that.
I saw it on the bible channel.
- Look,just tell her.
- Tell her what? That she's in love with a gay man? I can't tell her that.
She's just gonna think that i'm sabotaging her relationship again.
Okay,so don't tell her.
She's in love with a gay man, todd.
How can i not tell her? She's gonna get hurt.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
You're right.
You're right.
I don't tell her.
I show her.
So if she sees it for herself, then she can't be mad at me,right? Thank you so much.
You are such a good friend.
Oh! Wait.
Friend? No,no,no, I'm not your Damn it.
Hmm? Like it? "Hey,look at me.
I'm a breakup artist.
" Nice stove.
I'm sorry.
He wrote and told me how hard it was for him over there,and i wanted to relate, Soi told him the pilot light on my stove kept going out.
You were supposed to be helping me out of this.
I couldn't do it.
I might be the only thing keeping him alive at night.
Who are you keeping alive at night? - My soldier.
- Oh,i'll break up with him.
I fire people all the time.
No problem.
But nobody buys my wife a stove.
Including you.
Damn right.
Look at it.
You begged for it.
Look at it.
Tony,you know,um,todd and i were--Were talking this morning About what our favorite characters On "sex and the city" were, And i was just curious what yours was.
You know,i've--I've never-- I've never seen "sex and the city.
" Mm-Hmm.
That's okay.
You know,let's put on some music,all right? Hey,tony,you can pick, 'cause you're--You're the guest.
Um,we have foo fighters, Metallica, "Mamma mia.
" Hey,what's your favorite musical,tony? I'm really not into musicals.
Oh,really? So we're gonna play it that way,huh? Uh,andrea,i need to get some more wine.
Will you help me open up a bottle? - Okay - good.
You guys have fun.
I like him.
Oh,me,too.
You know,i think we-- I think you should have sex with him.
- What? - Yeah,right now.
Just try.
And then ob-Observe what happens,you know? If he says he's not in the mood,then then you tell him to get in the mood or explain why not.
Okay? - That sounds kinda hot.
- Yeah,it is,kinda.
But i like him.
I really do.
I think i kinda want to take it slow with him.
Oh,my god.
Maybe some of the new u is rubbing off on me.
Ah.
Now? Oh,god.
What are you doing leaving me out there with him? - I'm a pleaser.
You know that.
- Look,??? - I need you to sleep with tony dane.
- Sorry? Well,we already know that he likes you, So we just need him to,like, hion you in front of her.
Oh,i know what we could do.
We could go in there.
We could--We could all start dancing,and then i-I'll switch, And then you can start dancing with tony - wait,wait,wait,wait.
- And i'll start dancing with-- You and i will switch with them.
- No.
No,no,no.
- Then you start dancing with him.
- Let's just open this up a little bit.
Let me just open this up.
- Will you just cut it out? - Put some oil on there because i think it needs to shimmer.
- Stop.
Stop it! What you doing? I'm not your toy, i'm not your pal,i'm not your girlfriend, and i'm not your gay roommate.
I'm here,okay? Right here.
And i guess that's the problem.
Drama queen,huh? Snap.
- Where's andrea? - Uh,bathroom.
Oh,good.
Then it's just the two of us.
All right,tony,come on.
You can be straight with me.
- I-I'm sorry.
That's a very poor choice of words.
- What you talking about? - Tony,i think you know.
- Do i? Tony,i know what happened in the men's room with todd,okay? And--And--And andrea is my best friend, And i'm not gonna stand by and let her get hurt.
Look,she's gonna understand, you know?I-I have admitted so many horrible things to her,And she's always forgiven me.
Not that being gay is horrible Or--Or needs to be forgiven or anything like that.
I actually think it's good.
I think it's--It's--Go,gays! So - Hey.
- Hey.
Uh,what's going on? Andrea,um This i't easy to say.
It's okay.
It's okay,tony.
It's all right.
Andrea,tony has something that he needs to tell you.
- Sam tried to hit on me.
- What?! Sam! No! No.
What? And i-I don't want to come between the two of you, But i think,you know, we should--We should just go.
I was not hitting on him.
I was not hitting on you.
I was--Why would i hit on him? He's gay! Yeah,you're gay.
He's gay.
There.
Oh,god,i said it.
I said it.
Whew.
Big weight lifted now.
Oh,honey,he is gay.
Oh,my god.
Honestly,sam, A new low,even for you.
- What? No.
- Mm! He's gay.
He was staring at todd's Maybe i do have some sort of pathological need to destroy all of her relationships.
You know,it's,like,i don't know if tony dane is gay.
I could be totally wrong.
My boyfriend in college was gay.
We didn't know it at the time.
I mean,he knew it, And all the members of the,you know, man alive choir,But i did not see it.
Yeah.
Now andrea hasn't called me back for two days.
Todd's avoiding me.
He leaves before i even get up.
Well,did you do something make him mad? Like ask him to oil up and seduce tony dane? Hmm.
No.
Just that.
Hi.
Hey,guys.
Hey.
- Guess who's gay.
- No one.
No one's gay, And anyone who says that they are Are just kidding themselves.
Tony dane.
Maybe not.
Maybe i'm just being narrow-Minded.
You know what? In europe, straight guys--They hold hands, They walk right on--They walk right on down the street.
No,he's gay.
He told me himself.
- He did? - Mm-Hmm.
You know that i was not trying to break you guys up.
Yes,and today we're leaking our relationship to the press.
Okay,i know that i'm the one with amnesia, But that still means when two guys love each other and they - mm-Hmm.
Yeah.
- No,look,this is all good.
Tony gets to have me on his arm, And i get paparazzi,press and private planes, And i get to see whoever i want in secret, So you know what,sam? You were right.
I need more out of a relationship--Fame.
Okay.
- Are you sure that this is what you want? - Yes.
Yes.
- Really? - Hey.
Bup.
It's just a little weird to have a guy who's just a friend.
It doesn't have to be.
I mean,look at me and todd.
No,it only works if one of you is gay.
Why? Because there's always one of you that wants something more than the other one.
Usually me.
Or todd.
Oh,god.
I am such an idiot.
Of course he was mad i was trying to put oil on him.
I mean,who wants to be treated like that? Chase.
He loves it??? Ew.
Bup-Bup.
Bup-Bup.
I saw this thing the discovery channel or something about the theory of matter, That matter exists in different forms.
I think the same thing applies to love.
Love is like liquid.
It can flow outward and bring life to a desert he's very charming.
You know,he's only on leave for a week.
Just show him a good time.
I can't show him a good time.
You show him a good time.
- Regina,it's for you! - Hey.
Love can be a gas-- Light as air and assuming the shape of its container I mean,it's crazy.
I have been so busy with other people's lives That i have paid no attention to what's happening in mine.
Like todd I mean,if he has feelings for me, We need to talk about that And about my feelings about his feelings for me Or if i have feelings for him and my feelings about that.
You know? So i'm just gonna open up some wine And settle in for a nice chat.
White wine and feelings-- He's a very lucky man.
Good night,miss newly.
Good night,frank.
Hey,todd? Hey.
Can we just talk about some-- Hi.
You there.
Hi.
Hi.
Sam,this is cameron.
We were just going out.
Yeah.
Okay,good.
Hi.
Th's--You'll like that.
Yeah.
And him.
You'll like him, 'cause he's not gay.
You wanted to talk? Hmm? Me? No.
I'm good.
Have fun.
Yeah.
Plus,i only got enough wine for one,so So yeah.
And like matter,love can't be created or destroyed.
It's always there, even if you can't see it, Even if it's right there in front of you.